CHRISTMAS DAY LIMERICK

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day,
Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play,
After dinner and more,
Sleep with a loud snore,
And dream of summer fun on the bay.

BENNY THE ELF

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick,
After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick,
Rick lived in Atlanta,
A long ways from dear Santa,
In a week Benny was feeling homesick.

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 

THE POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Politicians must start thinking with clarity,
The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings,
Who, managed their people with austerity,
While, taking away all of  their things.

TIME TRAVEL CAN HURT

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years,

When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my childhood tears,

The pain was not just from falling,

But, the taunting voices calling,

Then, when I broke some bones the taunts roared into blissful cheers.

SANTA HAD AN EVIL BUSINESSMAN'S ID

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers,
If he felt that they were elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

BITERS MAKE ME HIDE

Upon my pond glide scary riders,

Many call them water spiders,

So, in my pond I won't sit,

Too afraid to be bit,

Instead, I'll go back up the beach with the hiders.

THE WATER PIPE AND BRAIN SAUSAGE

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree, 

My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me,

I destroyed my mind and my good soul,

Smoking a water pipe of charcoal,

I can no longer control the timing when I wee.

MY ONLINE CHRISTMAS DECLINE

I bought all of my Christmas online,

Even the dinner and wine,

The dinner arrived cold,

The wine cork taste was bold,

I'm now the host with host skills in decline.

ONE FOOT DONNY GOES TO RUSSIA

Donny played no golfing game, 

His missing foot was to blame,

Donny thought his foot was stolen,

When he misplaced it up his colon,

Although Donny had TV fame,

His colon fetish made him lame,

For fame in Russia he did aim,

Soon, they'll regret the day he came.

BIG DONNY MACHO

Donny thought he was a macho man,

Because he ate pasta from a can,

Donny was six times the weight,

Of any normal mate,

Donny thought each gawker was a fan.

RED BASEBALL HATS

I've decided to quit wearing baseball hats,

The red ones especially have major loser stats,

So, like granddad and aunt Cora,

I'll be wearing a fedora,

The fedora is often worn by the ultra styling cats.

THE POLITICS OF THE ELEPHANT

There was an elephant all large and fat,
The elephant knew where the peanuts were at,
It kissed the big rears,
Of the rich who inflict tears,
The elephant didn’t care as he ate where he sat.

THE WOODCUTTER FELLED A BIRCH ON A CHURCH

Willie the wood cutter cut down a big birch,
But, Willie felled the birch wrong, upon the neighborhood church,
The birch knocked off the bell,
On poor Willie it fell,
Willie found a heavenly cloud where he'll perch.

NO HOPS, DRINK POPS WITH NO TOPS

This year I had a failed crop of hops,

So, now all winter I drink shots and pops,

But, it's beer that I'll crave,

Until, I go to my grave,

I so miss those beer foamy tops.

Donny Did A Dirty Deed

Donny did a dirty deed,

When he lost his online feed,

He pardoned bandits that were his seed,

And, all his nasty friends he freed,

Donny was a dirty deeder,

He prized his thoughts and was no reader,

He acted like he was a weeder,

And, failed badly as fearless leader.

DONNY WET TO BED LAST NIGHT

Donny wet to bed last night,

Because his jammies were too tight,

They put on a squeeze,

He peed with ease,

Now,  Donny's bottom has diaper blight.

THE ANIMAL FARE MADE SCENTS

I went to the Fair and was taken aback by the vapors,

The smells weren't advertised by the pictures in papers,

So, I held my nose,

But, absorbed the scents in my clothes,

I washed my clothes then, had a salad with capers.

TWO SKUNKS MADE A NEST UNDER MY DECK LIMERICK

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck,
They had little babies and they were cute as all heck,
Though the smells did appall,
The skunks went away in the fall,
They were cute but my sinuses are a wreck.

ICE FISHING WAY OUT ON THE LAKE

I went ice fishing way out on the lake,
The blue gills were a pretty good take,
The gills flopped about with ease,
Until they started to freeze,
They were fine when I unthawed them on bake.

DONNY STOLE TEN BILLION BUCKS

Donny stole 10 billion bucks,💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰🤑

He loaded it onto pickup trucks,🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚

No one knows how,🤔

The money got to Moscow,🛫✈✈✈✈🛬

Where, it paid for tans and tummy tucks.🍊🐖

MY SKUNK NAMED AMADEUS

My gal and I had a skunk named Amadeus,
Whenever he’d see us he couldn’t help but to spray us,
We did nothing at all wrong,
To get a taste of his smelly bong,
Our pet skunk through our lives into chaos.

DONNY'S BAKING WAS SO BAD

Donny's Christmas cookies tasted like a toilet that would not flush,

Donny said that all complainers should just shut their traps and hush,

Donny made a Christmas cake,

That made all bellies really ache,

Donny said his bad baking was because he had to rush.

THE FURNACE

My furnace does not keep me warm,
It dies when there is a snow storm,
It's not so fun,
When your heater don't run,
And, on your nose the icicles form.

OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW IN WINTER

My bedroom window was left open all day,

The winter snows poured inward that way,

So, with two feet of snow,

My bedroom was no place to go,

The couch near the fireplace was a nice stay.

ALIENS RE-FABRICATED MY BRAINS

There was a pair of alien probes,

They attached themselves to my earlobes

Then, they re-fabricated my brain,

Leaving me legally insane,

While they hung as just plain silver globes.

DONNY SEEKS JOY BY EVIL DEEDS

Donny wanted all the toys,

So, he bullied all the girls and boys,

And, if a kid said no deal,

Donny simply would steal

Evil deeds were Donny's great joys.

DONNY DAZE

Donny loved to gather money,

It was the only way he could find a honey,

For, he had no hair,

Bad underwear,

And, down his leg dripped something runny.

DONNY AND HIS COUNTERFEIT DREAM

While counterfeiting or, dollar making,

Donny dreamed of trips he thought worth taking,

And, the cars and mansions he'd buy,

With his dollars that lie,

But, when the cops came Donny was shaking.

WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

MY JERKY CHRISTMAS DINNER

My little pet bear ate my Christmas ham, without shame,

I left the smokehouse door open so, I guess I'm to blame,

Now, Christmas dinner will feature jerky,

Made from leftover Thanksgiving turkey,

And, the last time I served jerky nobody came,    

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

SANTA HAS BAD HABBITS

Santa ate too many herbal cookies,

Santa drank too much ice beer,

Santa went to jail, 

That's why Santa isn't here.

Santa has some reindeer,

Santa feeds his reindeer grass,

All day they just play video games,

While sitting on their mass.

I BOUGHT A BUDA ON FRIDAY TO BRING ME SOME LUCK

There were great deals on Black Friday but, I had no funds to pay,

I had not been working since, the third week of May,

I broke open my penny jar,

Found four dimes in the car,

I could then buy a small Buda made out of red clay.

THE SILENT MOVIE MOGUL

Wilbur Royce Rice,

Was the movie Mogul of his time,

He began his career in film,

With a camera and a dime,

A silent world Rice screened,

Of great empires now dust,

The Egyptians, the Romans,

The Greek gods with a bust,

He dabbled in baubles,

Invested in dreams,

Created film stories,

With heart-string pulling themes,

A film studio he built,

He was a "genius" they declared,

The awards kept coming,

And, a great fortune he fared,

Then, silent movies,

All went away,

But, Wilbur Royce Rice,

Had an ankle of clay,

He was stubborn all knew,

And, he couldn't change with the bunch,

So, the new era in film,

Took poor Wilbur out with one punch,

Alas, the bauble market blew up,

The dream investments, just schemes,

 And, all the filmed stories,

Went rot like paper reams,

Wilbur was broke without his camera or dime,

He could have come back if he wasn't old and had time,

And, the pictures changed more, from the old black and white,

To movies with color that Wilbur disparaged as blight,

So, what gain a man with great talent without range?

Just the title of has-been and epitaph "Would Not Change," 

A DUNG BEETLE NAMED BARB

There was a dung beetle named Barb,
Her diet was really high carb,
She did not feel well,
She burst through her shell,
For dress she must find some new garb.

Barb was a dung beetle that ate all day,
She chowed down cow dung mixed with some clay,
She ran out in the sun,
Then, stopped and couldn't run,
Barb baked into a statue that day.

DONNY WAITS TO GO: A TIME TRAVELING TALE

Donny liked to time travel back to an autocratic nation,

And, often when Donny time traveled, he'd suffer constipation,

Donny went to 50's North Korea,

There he suffered diarrhea,

Donny waits to escape to Russia with anticipation.

MY TRACTOR MADE A RINK AND THEN TOOK A DEEP SINK

I drove my tractor out on the lake to snow blow some ice,

I thought an ice rink for the kids would be really nice,

I watched my rink grow with the blow, 

Until, the ice gave way and down I go,

So, my tractor paid the ultimate price  

Turkey Day Dinner With A Surprise

For Turkey Day I ate canned pig,

With a bottle of port and a menthol cig,

And, the big surprise,

I found some old French fries,

They were in the coach and I had to dig.

I CARVED THE TURKEY

Because of Covid  I could not turkey shop via, a roam,😷

So, I carved my Thanksgiving beast from Dow Styrofoam,🦃

It did not bake but, caught fire,🔥

Burned like a rubber tire,💥♨

Now, I've no turkey, no dinner no home.🏚

PRUNE JUICE AND THE TURKEY BALLOON

I was to serve a non-meat turkey at Thanksgiving noon,

But, the turkey I baked was a turkey balloon,

Well, that's in the past,

So, after the blast,

We all got loose with some juice made with prune.

TURKEY IN A TREE

Turkey, turkey way up in the tall tree,

Please come down; be dinner for me,

I'll invite over friends,

We'll eat your odds and ends,

I'll stuff your butt with breading; you'll taste real good, you'll see.

DINNER WITH THE FLYING MONKEYS

There were three flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West,

They were just three flying monkeys but, they were the wicked Witch's best,

They sliced me up and ate me raw,

Never thought I be ended by a monkey's paw,

They saved my liver per the Witch's request.

P.S.

Too bad for all of them, I failed my rabies test.

The Deceit That Cost Me Toes

There was a volcano down the street

It burnt my shoelaces; burnt off my feet,

Because when the lava flows,

If you don't run you lose toes,

Donald said things were fine but, that was a deceit.

Artificial Turkey Meat

I'm eating artificial meat,

It tastes like turkey; at least the feet,

It chews like gum,

That's been shared with some,

And, the smell is like a condemned toilet seat.

CLEANING TEETH APPOINTMENT HAIKU

APPOINTMENT NOTICE,
WAITING ROOM, WAITING, CLEAN, PAIN
CHECKOUT, BILL, SHOCK, PAIN

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KIDNEY CAKE

I ate at a friend's place and they served kidney cake,

It did not taste good so, my compliments were all fake,

Then, after a quick toilet puke,

I gave no rebuke,

But, not one extra serving I'd take.

WHERE STARS SHOULD NEVER BE

I am pondering on a web of stars where, I don't think stars should ever be,

They're inside my kitchen oven within some fourth dimension reality,

They came from my exploding fruitcake,

Which I tried to mix-n-bake,

I should have only used one egg instead, my brain suggested three.

my 

THE EMPEROR OF BEANS RULES ALL

There is no greater power than the Emperor of Beans,

He has turned the heads and soiled the beds of emperors, kings and queen,

No one can cleanly pass,

His unstable gas,

If that's what the Emperor deems.

BE CAREFUL CUTTING DOWN TREES

I went outside and cut down a tree,

I did it wrong and it fell on me,

So, now I slouch,

With eternal ouch,

And, drink only chamomile herb tea.

NEEDS AND MAKE BELIEVE

In the real world we need to find: warmth, water, food, shelter and some form of carnal happiness.

Everything else is just a world of make believe.

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT WORMS (IN MY SOUP)

I complained about a worm in my soup,
It squirmed around in a loop,
It was not spaghetti,
And, I don't think I'm petty,
For, at the bottom of the bowl was a group.

A Wine Maker Without A Critic

Salamander Sally liked parsnips on toast,

She also like parsnips  cooked with a beef roast,

But, her parsnip wine,

Was not rated as fine,

She attacked the poor critic and made him a ghost.

The Stinky, Pinky Popular Drinky

Popular is the new fad drink,

That is poured out in fluorescent pink,

But, you have to drink fast,

Or, the aftertaste will last,

And, for a week your breath will just stink.

AT THE END OF THE WORLD

At the end of the world I moved into a box,

I ran out of beer so, I was forced to detox,

Detox made me ache and cry,

So, when a zombie came by,

I let it bite me to numb me with pox.

THE BEAR VOTE

I decided to try to vote today,

Past armed guards claiming they have the last say,

The gunnies gave me no scare,

For I brought along my pet bear,

The gunnies soon cleared out of my way.

ARMAGEDDON MAKES MY LIMERICKS CRY

We all looked up into a pale blue sky,

And saw Armageddon on the fly,

The great fireball did not tarry,

To make my earth a cemetery,

No where to hide so, I guess we die.

Armageddon in the November fall,

So, the holidays won't come at all,

And me, the plague did not kill,

I Stayed home with my grill,

Now, my cruel earth dies by a sky fireball.

THE LIMERICK OF SOMEONE

Someone ate some pork chops and beans,

Someone ate some big leafy greens,

Someone ate some more,

Someone barfed some on the floor,

Someone feels sorry for someone who comes and cleans.

ARNIE THE GOLDFISH AND HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL

Arnie the goldfish was sitting in jail,
He was arrested for exposing his tail,
Benny the fisherman liked Arnie a bunch,
He decided to have Arnie the goldfish for lunch,
Benny the fisherman put up Arnie's bail.

I Was Abused On Social Media

Somebody just called me a "Bot,"

It's a term I'm familiar with, not,

I felt some abuse,

From the word's negative use,

So, I called my name caller a "Snot."