THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

POOR NICK THE NEEDY GOT PEACE FROM THE GREEDY

Nick needed a minimum wage increase,

But, a Senate vote made Nick's hope suddenly cease,

Nick wanted to eat,

And, get a room with some heat,

At least the cold winter wind brought him peace.

I'M THE BOTTOM TO TEACHER'S CURVE

I am proud that teach says I always pull the low score,

Well, he grades on a curve so I sacrifice for the more,

When teacher's trick questions unnerve,

I collapse downward his curve,

Of course, many years I have crossed teacher's door.

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,

They wanted to borrow a car,

They were tossed on a plate,

By a lumberjack mate,

Then, bathed with syrup from a fresh opened jar.

NO LILLIES, NO LILLIES, JUST SNOW

No lillies, no lillies, just snow,

It seems only the snow banks can grow,

Will it ever be spring,

Or, just this winter hell thing,

I'm yearning for a thick lawn to mow.

BEES MADE ME AN ANGEL ( IN HELL)

I think I have greatly come to hate,😡

That my stars foretell a miserable fate,😳

I'll be bitten until made dead from alive,💀

By a million bees from a hive,😧

Then, it's the big lava lamp behind Hell's gate.😈🌋

FEELING FORTUNATE

Fortunes are many but, my coins are few,
I made some investment but, they were pee-ew,
But, through financial decline,
I still can make and drink wine,
Then, I can few fortunate too.

TUCKER THE ANGEL SAT IN THE APPLE TREE LIMERICK

Tucker the angel sat in the  apple tree,
He made music playing his ukulele,
He bumped an apple that fell,
Eve saw free food and thought swell,
Eve shared with Adam the fruit but, it wasn't free.

MORAL:  THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES, NOTHING IS FREE

WHEN THE WINDY WIND BLEW MY CHECKERS AWAY

I grabbed my checkerboard to play checkers with my friends down by the bay,

Then, while playing a windy wind blew up and tossed my checkers all away,

So, what did I do,

When the windy wind blew,

I went home for I had no reason to stay.

THE TWISTING TURTLE

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist,

He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist,

One of those swerving long-neckers, 

Making moves like Chubby Checkers,

All night long til the sun cuts the mist.

I ONCE BECAME SO PARANOID

I once became so paranoid,
That I stopped eating glue,
Because I thought it might contain,
A horse or two I knew,

I once became so paranoid,
I thought my goldfish might attack,
I was so afraid I wouldn't clean his jar,
And, found him lying on his back,    

I once became so paranoid,
I thought the sun would rise no more,
So, I bought ten thousand light bulbs,
And, cleaned out the light bulb store.

DONNY OF THE DIAPER, COMPLAINS

Donny likes to cruelly criticize,

Yet, hates reports of his small hand size,

Donny is chief amongst grippers,

While sitting in squishy diapers,

Blaming others for his showbiz demise.

MATH STINKS LIMERICK

Billy liked to play with math,
So much so he missed his bath,
And, although he did stink,
He did calc in a blink,
I'm jealous of his career path.  

ANOTHER WINTER WORK DAY (OR NOT)

I got up this morning and my coffee was cold,

My glazed doughnuts were glazed over with green mold,

My truck was froze and the battery dead,

So, I gave up and went back to bed,

Another winter work day put on hold.

SHORT ORDER COOK LIMERICK

The only job that I could book,

Was working part time as a short order cook,

Now, my burgers were crunchy,

My fries dry and bunchy,

But, my food's fine if you try not to look.

 

MY LITTLE GARBAGE PALS

All my little mice had nothing to eat,

After I took the garbage out to the street,

Then, all the mice disappeared,

And, my eyes got all teared,

I miss how the mice would lick on my feet.

THE MAHJONG EXCITEMENT LIMERICK

I went online to play to play a game of Mahjong,
The game was so exciting that I bit into my tongue,
Then I lost, what a disgrace,
And, out the side of my face,
My poor throbbing tongue sadly hung.

LOST LOVE

Within the shadow on the wall there were two eyes of blue,

No shadow I have ever dreamed had two eyes but, you,

So awkward, we look into the past,

And, remember love that did not last,

Knowing in our final dream that our lost love, we rue.

EDGAR IS MY VALENTINE

It was February 13 and I had a valentine to find,

So, I tried to be witty; I tried being kind,

I gave away money,

But, no one would be my honey,

So, it was with my cat Edgar I dined.

THE ROOSTER ON THE MENU, NOT

The eagles raided my hen house and they raided it really bad,

They took all my hens away and I was oh, so sad,

Then, I had a morale booster,

For along came the rooster,

His meat was tough, he got rejected, I'm glad.

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,

I found a rock that had a humanoid face,

The face chomped down on my port side,

I could have easily died,

But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,

There's bacteria on my floor,

There's bacteria on my doorknob,

So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,

Nor, walk anywhere in my place,

I just hop around on the furniture,

And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,

And doctors, it's everyone,

But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,

From mayo I let sit out in the sun.

   

THE TURTLE IN MY BASEMENT

I saw a giant turtle crawling across the snow,

I knew that he would freeze to death,

Because, there were only snowy places to go,

I asked him inside to sit with me,

I gave him a cookie and some chamomile tea,

The tea made him talkative and he said his name was Lee,

He told me a squirrel had dug open his hole,

He couldn't reheat it because he ran out of coal,

So, I let him stay in the basement and in the spring he could stroll.

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in all my teeth,

If my frostbite lasts much longer, I'll earn an R.I.P. wreath,

The cold, howling winds sing a song,

I think a dirge; I hope I'm wrong,

Is my grave a snow drift that I'll soon be underneath?  

TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL OR NOT TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL?

Should I go ice fishing or watch the great football game?
My team is not playing and that is so lame,
But, if it is ice fishing I choose?
If it's thin ice I lose,
Besides, football's exciting and what's in a name?

HUNGER HAIKU

Starve, Desperation,
Canned cheese, crackers, candy bar,
Filling, heartburn, sick.

JIMMY'S WINTER COOKOUT

Jimmy's winter cookout big time failed,

When his frightened guests hastily bailed,

You see, Jimmy lit a tire,

For his cookout fire,

And, across the yard the fire sailed.

FISHING ON ICE ISLAND

I went ice fishing one sunny spring day,
I walked out on the ice on the bay,
But, when I turned around,
I was deep water bound,
My ice island and I floated away.

I TRIPPED MY ROBOT NAMED SAM

My new robot's name is Sam,
He made me a breakfast with raw eggs and fried ham,
But, the silverware wasn't clean,
And, I became rather mean,
When, I tripped Sam and he fell over, bam!

RABIES, RED ROIDS AND LIP BOILS

I set up a shop that sold only snake oils,

I claimed they cured rabies, red roids and, lip boils,

But, the authorities, they care,

Said, "there's no real science there,"

So, in the state prison laundry I toils.

LITTLE NORM ROGGAN RODE HIS TOBOGGAN

Little Norm Roggan,
Rode his toboggan,
Down the hill,
With limited skill,
And, hit poor Mr. Quill on the noggin.

DONNY BUILT A SNOW FORT TO KEEP AWAY THE FEDS

Donny built a snow fort on his golf course,

Where'd he get funds, some say Russia was the source,

Donny was fearing all the Feds,

And, years in prison beds,

Donny wasted his voice lying so, by his trial he was horse.

THE WEATHERING CHICKENS

The chickens will weather any storm,

They do so because that is their norm,

The hens stay together,

Holding on feather to feather,

While rosters are in another dorm.

TWO WOLVERINES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two wolverines walked into a hunter's bar,

They were looking for meat to vacuum pack in a jar,

Although, the hunters were many,

The wolverines didn't take any,

Saying the hunters smelled like old socks and cigar.

FLIPPER THE PIG

THE CULTURAL PIG

Flipper the pig was an odd sort of swine,

He never drank spirits except for French wine,

He listened to Bach,

And easy-listening rock,

While, he complained of pig culture decline.

 

UNREQUITED LOVE RESOLVED

Unrequited love is a real positive,

You'll find you're unloved and you still have to live,

But, there will come a day,

When, someone can't turn away,

For a pet goldfish has much love to give.

MY GARDEN IN THE MAIL

I got some seed that came in the mail, 

Now, I can grow me some peppers and kale,

I'll grow onions and toes,

Pickles and poes,

All with fert that comes from the tail.

MY BEST DATE LIMERICK

I like going to restaurants and dining alone,
That sets up the evening for a positive tone,
I spend half the money,
I think my jokes are all funny,
And don't waste time the next day on the phone.

I FOUND ME NO ICE

I went out ice fishing but, found me no ice,

I had a brisk swim and, I guess that was nice,

I dove deep for my gear,

I guess it's all here,

Next time I ice fish I'll think twice.

SCHNAPPS: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

Having a glass of schnapps for breakfast is a bad idea,

All it does is muddle the brain and gives one diarrhea,

But, how to stand everyday,

When gloom and doom be they,

And, the only friend I have at home is my pet named Chia.

DINNER FROM A BOTTLE

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat,

I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat,

But, I didn't get much coin,

Settled for animal groin,

Next time, I hope to afford the feet.

THE END OF ALL THINGS

I see a little bird fluttering it's wings,

It lands upon a branch and then, it sings and sings,

Happy is the bird this day,

Unknown, it's future that's on the way,

Unseen, the hawk that nears and nears, will bring the end to things.

RAINBOW OVER THE GARDEN SHED

Just outback of the old homestead,                 

A rainbow flew over my garden shed,

It didn't last long,

But, I wrote it a song,

That rattles round and round in my head.

NO ROOM FOR THE POOL TABLE

I put a pool table in my bedroom but, it did not fit,

I moved the pool table to the bathroom but, then no one could sit,

My pool table didn't fit the den,

So, I had to move it once again,

I called the local haulers now, it's in the garbage pit.

A GARDEN WEED IN A SNOW STORM

On my poor little trailer it snowed and it snowed,
Until the roof caved in and the walls outward bowed,
Of course, the lights went out,
Rescue was really in doubt,
So, like a garden weed I knew I was hoed.

THE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

Back to school is always rough,

It sounds easy on paper but, that's just fluff,

Buying cloths, kits and shoes,

Texting for wardrobe reviews,

By day one you've had enough.

TAXES AND GRIEVING

I paid in lots of income taxes but, none of it I will retrieve,

I hoped that maybe this time I would get a just reprieve,

But, instead I'll have to pay,

Or, all my stuff they'll take away,

And, if all my stuff they take away, in that future I will grieve.

THE ODD SCHOOL EDUCATION

I went to the odd school,

No desk or chair, we had a stool,

We never learned about sums,

Were taught reading was for bums,

The kids did nothing but, picked nose and drool.

REQUIEM FOR THE ORANGE

There once was a big old, orange critter,

He lost all his friends and became bitter,

He got thrown out of his house

With his kids and his spouse,

And, had his privileges cancelled by Twitter.

I WON'T UPSET THE PET BY WHAT I EAT

For my little goldfishy's sake,

I forgo eating all tuna stake,

He's comforted to see,

No fish ate by me,

He can't see the salmon in my bake.

THE DINER SERVED ME AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing,

But, instead I got this UO thing,

It had beady eyes,

Was nibbling on my fries,

He said he was an alien on earth slumming.  

 

 *UO=Unidentified Object

THE PORTION WAS SO SMALL

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy,

I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy,

The fish portion was so small,

I gave the waiter a call,

He then, offered me an extra hush puppy.

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear,

He broke into cabins and did not care,

Then, he found a loaded gun

Played with it just for fun,

Now, Donny is no longer here nor there.

THIS PIRATE NEEDS A TOILET

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀

I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩

So, I stay on the shore,🌉

Wave bye bye to the pirate corp,🗡🔪

I hope one day there'll be toilets then, it's a pirates life for me.🏝🗺🍍🐳🦀

DONNY LIKED TO DO THE TREASON

Donny liked to do the treason,

To stay in power was his reason,

He used his foul moods,

To excite stupid dudes,

Who think pale skin is in season.

GREEN PICKLE SLUSHIE

I found some pickles lying out in the snow,

They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go,

When the pickles thawed, they were mushy,

So, I made pickle slushie,

Boy, having my stomach pumped cost me some doe.

Pardon My Finch

I have a little finch that really roars,

It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors,

And, my finch does not care,

That it pollutes everyone's air,

The smell gives me nose bleeding sores.

DONNY THE GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THE SEA

I had a goldfish named Donny T.

He was as belligerent as he could be,

So, I replaced Donny with Joe,

And, where did Donny go?

He swims in the toilet in the dark yellow sea.

A HOLE, A DUMP AND A VOWEL

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel,
All lived in the very same hole,
Then, along came a bear,
Who sat down on their lair,
And, took a dump and the hole space he stole.

POWDERED CHICKEN NUGGETS

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets,

They were frightful I must say,

In fact, I don't see why such a recipie,

Was ever shown the light of day,

I bought them at a deep-fat fried store,

They were so cheap I had to buy more and more,

But, there is one thing that gives my taste buds some peace,

The nuggets aren't bad heavily salted and dripping with grease.