IT'S 2015 AND THE LAST DAY OF JULY

It's 2015 and the last day of July,
I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly,
He out flies my flyswatter,
So, my anger grow hotter,
Oh, why can't this fly simply die.

GEORGIA BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN

Georgia burned her house all up,
Because she used a paper cup,
For a cheap ashtray,
A paper cup didn’t pay,
Now she has nowhere to sup.

ODE TO GRANDMA MABEL

It was great to sit at the dinner table,
Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel,
Her entrees were prophetic,
Of the beef roast tasting poetic, 
And, cherry pies most touted in fable.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD THIS SPRING

They were coming up the rivers to bed,
I had one big one take the hook,
On fishing he wrote the book,
He got away, I got wet, enough said.

THE WATER-SKI TRIP

My wife said our water-ski trip was the worst,
I then felt so bad that I thought I would burst,
I said it was sunny,
She said it’s not funny,
Taking her water-skiing on February first.

UNCLE JOE HAUNTS: A LIMERICK

Uncle Joe went fishing with a knife,
He missed the fish and ended his own life,
Now he haunts in the water,
In the guise of an otter,
With his otter children and wife.

A VAMPIRE PHASE? A LIMERICK

There once was a vampire named Maze,
She went on a blood sucking craze,
Her mom went to a shrink,
She asked "What do you think?"
He said, "Maze was just in a phase".

MABEL THE MUSKRAT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN LIMERICK

Mabel the muskrat stunk to high heaven,
She smelled worse than a skunk by seven times seven,
She couldn‘t find any mate,
So, she married really late,
She tied the knot at the old age of eleven.

TOBIAS WILLIS NICOLAS SHORT

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Was once chief council to the mighty king's court,

But, he engaged the king in intellectual sport,

Then, off to the war front he had to report,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Led his troops on a charge that he had to abort,

"Coward" they called him back at the fort,

"It was an unattainable win" was Short's own retort,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Sentenced to die in some foreign port,

Then, shot by some soldiers that gave him escort,

While, Short clutched a picture of his mother Dort. 

A STARFISH NAMED ZEB

There was a young starfish named Zed,
Each evening he wet to bed,
His bed was not dry,
So, poor Zed would cry,
Then, blamed his pet catfish named Ted.

EACH JULY UPON THE FIRST

Each July upon the first, 
That's when the fireworks begin to burst,
It's just three days away,
From the official firework's display,
And, early booms are definitely the worst.

A RATTLESNAKE WAS ON MY DECK

A rattlesnake was on my deck,
It was really hotter than heck,
He asked me for a beer,
I said I had none here,
He bit me now I am a wreck.

MY MEDS, FEDS AND PRISON BEDS LIMERICK

I forgot to take my meds,
When I made my taxes out for the feds,
Then, the feds got real mean,
Said my statement's unclean,
Now, in prison I'll be making my beds.

A MUSHROOM GAVE ME A "WANTS MORE" ATTACK

I found a mushroom near my shack,
It was growing juicy and black,
It tasted great,
That sealed my fate,
To suffer a "Wants More" attack.

KAREN THE POPLAR TREE

There was a poplar tree named Karen,
For her looks it was not worth starin',
When the lumberjack came round,
Karen was cut right down,
As firewood Karen is flarin'.

THE DANCE FOR ROMANCE LIMERICK

To find someone to share romance,
Bently liked to do a dance,
He did a polka-twist,
With bent Egyptian wrists,
And, finished off with a rooster prance.

I had a robot I named Wizard,
He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard,
He had a big boil,
Which burst to leak oil,
Which sprayed from his robotic gizzard.

A BROKEN WRISTA FOR A VIEW OF A VISTA

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista,
Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista,
Well, downward I fell,
Got klonked in the bell,
And, broke my leg, my back and, my wrista.

THE FORTUNE COOKIE BLUES

I have the fortune cookie blues,
Because my cookie gave me bad news,
At my upcoming weddin'
There will be Armageddon,
When my in-laws drink too much booze.

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HAZEL THE POLITE COW

Hazel was a very polite cow,
She would courtesy if the bull would bow,
She would always moo “Hi!”
When strangers walked by,
She was nice in the here and the now.

I'M GLAD MAY IS OVER

Well, I can't lament the month of May,
I'm just glad the month has gone away,
The kids both got sick,
My wife left me for some chick,
And, my boss gave me a big cut in pay.

TODAY IS MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day,

So, let's remember those left in the past,

And, thank them in our quiet thoughts,

For legacies they built to last.

MY KITTY HAD A SQUEAKY TOY

My kitty had a squeaky toy,
Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy,
On the morn of each day,
Squeaky mouse got such play,
By afternoon it would really annoy.

THE COMPUTER SCREEN HAIKU

Computer screen bright,
Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen,
Read screen,now nap time.

A SWAN NAMED SANDY

There once was a big swam named Sandy.
She liked drinking apricot brandy,
She went out on the bay,
Drank her brandy all day,
Then, slept where she found it was handy.

JIM ATE SOME TAINTED SALMON

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned,
Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned,
Jim had the heaves and the squats,
The gray tears and red snots,
He ached in every bone and each gland.

MABEL COOKED FOR HER PET MOUSE

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse,
She made it for her little pet mouse,
The mouse would not eat the dish,
He preferred to eat only fish,
So, Mabel went fishing for the louse.

WHAT FLOATS IN MY SOUP

What floats in my soup I must say?

Have a beak, a stinger and toupee,

I think that I'll stop,

With what floats on top,

And, let what lies below simply lay.  

I'M THROUGH BECAUSE MY TAXES ARE DUE

Today my income taxes are all due,

I can't pay them so, I guess I am through,

For my savings expired,

When my broker retired,

He left the country and I can't even sue,

 

MY INCOME I NEED TO UPGRADE (FOR TAX PURPOSES)

My income I need to upgrade,
Or, the IRS will be making a raid,
For, my income is small,
And, my tax liability tall,
I wonder how they expect to get paid.

MY INCOME TAX SHORTFALL

My tax forms are due soon this year,
But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here,
I divorced my spouse,
Sold my business and house,
Still, I'm  coming up way short I fear. 

CAMELOT

There once was a kingdom called Camelot,
A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot,
They once had a king,
Who just liked to sing,
He died poor and he didn't have a pot.

FISHING ON THIN ICE

I went fishing on thin ice on the river,
The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver,
Now, everything is fine,
Though, my liver can't take wine,
But, a glass of whisky does ward off the shiver.

WHEN AT THE GREEN LIGHT I DID LINGER LIMERICK

When at the green light I did linger,
The driver behind gave me the finger,
When I stepped on the gas,
The finger-driver did pass,
Yelling insults for his final zinger.

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THE POLTERGIEST

There once was a really poor poltergeist,
Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist,
But, since his body was unreal,
He couldn't grab much, less steal,
Being dead just zapped all his fiest.

THE END OF FEBRUARY LIMERICK

The end of February has come at last,
It's ranked in a very low caste,
Not a favorite month that you'd pick,
Unless your mind is real sick,
And, Don't remember warm months in the past.

LITTLE PA MURPHY HAD COWS ON HIS RANGE

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range,
That had all come down with a bad case of mange,
The steaks were laid bare,
As the cows lost their hair,
The bare cows looked utterly strange.

I LOVE TO BUY CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day,
I eat it myself and don't give it away,
When calories bring such despair,
It would be selfish to share,
So, I'll unselfishly eat candy and pay.

I'M A LONELY VALENTINE

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year,
But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear,
But, maybe sometime,
When, I'm long past my prime,
I'll sit not alone with my beer.

A HICKORY NUT LIMERICK

A hickory nut fell out of a tree,
It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee,
The doctor said well,
You have a thick skull,
But, soft in the knee bone I see.

MY EYE PECKING PET CHICKEN GETS FOILED LIMERICK

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes,
And, his pecking gave me so many cries,
Now, I give him no passes,
I wear safety glasses,
He's foiled but, he always tries.

LYNN THE WALRUS LOVED FISH

Lynn was a walrus, whose taste buds loved fish,
From morning till night eating fish was her wish,
Then, one day she ate steak,
Chicken dipped for a bake,
Now, Lynn just loves to eat any meat dish.

THE GREEN GOBLIN NAMED SNOOKI BEAR

There was a green goblin named Snooki Bear,
He liked to give the village a scare,
Then, a leprechaun named O'Malley,
Fought Snooki Bear in an alley,
And, pulled out all of the goblin's nose hair. 

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP HAIKU

Chicken noodle soup,
More chicken,noodles, less oup,
Hard to find good soup.

VINCENT THE BARTENDER LIMERICKS

Vincent the bartender didn't think so clear,
He used a recipe to poor a cheap beer,
Instead of tapping a beer keg,
He mixed bourbon and nutmeg,
The popularity soon made bourbon real dear.

Vincent the bartender just lost his job,
His drinks were too strong said the boss-owner Bob,
Thus, the profits were low,
Vincent just had to go,
Weaker drinks made the customers sob.

THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED LITTLE LARRY

There once was a pig named Little Larry,
He was a bachelor because his nostrils were hairy,
No discriminating pig gal,
Would make Little Larry even a pal,
So, he shaved his nostrils so he didn't look so scary.

MY DOG CRUSTY (RUSTY)

My dog Crusty,
Once named Rusty,
Will misbehave,
So, he won't bathe,
At best my dog smells musty.

MOOSE GILLIES BREWED BEER

Moose Gillies had a happy New Year,
He had consumed his own bathtub, brewed beer,
But, he brewed it with haste,
So, it had a strange taste,
Shampoo was what it tasted most near.

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THE YETI PILE OF SCAT

In my garden there was a pile of scat,
I first thought is was the work of my cat,
Then, standing there was a yeti,
Which made the pile seem  petty,
The yeti smiled and gave my bald head a pat.

GEORGE CELEBRATED THE NEW YEAR TOO MUCH

George celebrated the New Year,
By drinking way, way too much beer,
He got so sick that he thought he'd die,
Meanwhile the months days would fly by,
He's not sober and February is near.

I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,
Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,
So, I just thought it was best,
To lay my pogo to rest,
Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.