WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

DUCKS IN A CAN: A WAREHOUSE GHOST STORY

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks,

Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks,

But, in the cans I was stacking

The ducks started quaking,

I guess, being a duck crammed in a can really sucks.🦆

HOW A LOOSER CAN BE A WINNER AT POOL

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool,

I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool,

While an opponent leaned forward to shooty, 

Jimmy grabbed wallet booty, 

So, Jimmy the looser was really quite cool.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

THE SHALLOW HOLE OUTHOUSE

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole,

Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul,

But, I was celebrated by kin,

When one of the little ones fell in,

And, was pulled out with a cane fishing pole.

I WENT TO LONDON TO COOK FOR THE QUEEN

I went to London to cook for the queen,
She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean,
And, she said my rock bass,
Added a real touch of class,
Yet, my root-crops looked a trifle obscene.

THE PANCAKE GARDEN

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow,

But, soon after planting it started to snow,

Then, I cringed up my toes,

For I know that it froze,

And, pancakes in the fall, I won't know.

A CRUSH ON SPRINGY FLOWERS

When the springy spring flowers flower,

Then we get a big snow shower,

The frosty frost shows off it's power,

And, little petals fade and cower,

Crushed beneath the shower tower.

ODE TO THE LEPRECORN-Strange Creature Limerick

There was a creature called the leprecorn,
It was the strangest creature ever born,
A unicorn body it had,
With Leprechaun head mean and mad,
In the middle of the head was a horn.

The leprecorn liked to dance in the woods,
It guarded its gold and the rest of it's goods,
If you came to steal,
He'd give you a deal,
It was a horn in the rump for all hoods.

The leprecorn was the son of McMurry,
When the corn was born all said not to worry,
"He'd outgrow his strange look"'
"If fifty years it took",
Now it's been ninety-five what's the hurry.
,

THE BUBBLE BATH CURE

When trees start growing between your toes,

And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose,

And, your skin is so dry,

Like crust on a pie,

A bubble bath will end most of your woes.

FALSE TEETH IN A JAR

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar,

To avoid damage during my fight at the bar,

But, bad luck comes as it must,

My jarred teeth got a bust,

And, scattered from the dance floor to the car. 

DILL PICKLES NASTY GAS

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas,
It takes so long for it to pass,
It takes more than one day,
That’s too long most say,
From the mouth to the end of his mass.

GRANNY FIXED UP DOGS AND CATS

At granny's house I got real squirmy

Because granny practiced taxidermy,

She did mostly pet cats and dogs,

Most pets turned out hard as logs,

When the dermy didn't take the critters went wormy.

MIRACLE ON 94TH STREET

In the rain and churning sleet,

I walked and walked until I was beat,

Then, a miracle on 94th Street,

A little diner where I could eat,

It was the most uncomfortable seat,

By a window, there was no heat,

Soon, fully frozen were my feet,

Next, I froze to death with no establishment greet,

I was cremated, a nice warm treat,

They spread my ashes in a field of wheat.

A FISH NAMED HARRY

A fish named Harry grew too big for his pond,
So, he made a wish to a witch with a wand,
To make the pond grow,
Then, Harry could swim deep below,
But, the lake was too salty so Harry felt conned.

MULTIVERSE THEORY PREDICTS ALTERNATIVE NEWS

Many say that I make up fake news,

But, it's just an alternative universe I choose,

It's not better or worse,

It's called the multiverse,

I just choose the verse that echoes my views. 

WHEN THE PRICE OF TOILET PAPER IS JUST TOO HIGH

All the people are oh so pensive,

Because toilet paper is so expensive,

The financial frustration,

Has caused herd constipation,

With flagellation being offensive.

MARTY ATE A LITTLE LAMB

Marty ate a little lamb,

It's fleece was white like snow,

But, when you fry lamb in the pan,

Hopefully, the fleece color you won't know. 

HOW TO BE A NEWS SHOW STAR

If you want people to hear you sing,

Then, you sing only lyrics that are right of wing,

You'll be a famous star,

Invited to parlor par,

And, your coffers will be filling ding, ding, ding.

THE AFTER DINNER ONLINE NEWS SHOW

Every evening after I sup,

I go online and make stuff up,

It's my beer induced views,

Millions call it the news,

Others say, I'm a crazy, dumb pup.

I WENT INTO THE PARLOR BUT, NO ONE WAS THERE

I went into the parlor but, no one was there,

I said what I could but, no one was aware,

I felt desperately beat,

Like a bird who couldn't tweet,

Now, all my grandiose dreams will all end in despair.

As I Perch

As I sit perched in my tin, wheeled villa,

Looking down from atop my hilla,

Onto a highway all curvy derby

Along comes prancing a deer named Herbie,

I fear he's had my pickles and my dilla,

Laying waste to my garden like the Hun Attila.

THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,

It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,

So, with no toast to fill,

My stomach went ill,

Then, all day at my job I did coast.

DIAMONDS ARE A BOYS WORST FRIEND

Although they all say it don't matter,

You can tell when ladies meet and they chatter,

It's high priced diamonds they demand,

Which poor boys can't understand,

For diamonds don't make the wallet grow fatter.

Age, Old, Tired, Teeth

I see you've turned 32,

And, your old soul's feeling blue,

Every workday you rue,

No energy to do,

But, you still got some teeth so, at least you can chew.

A GOLD FISH NAMED BUCKY

There was a goldfish name of Bucky,
At the casino he was nothing but, lucky,
Every pull came up cherries,
No bananas of berries,
He swam his winnings back home to Kentucky.

I HAD A PIG NAMED PAUL

I had a pig named Paul,
He lived with the horses in a stall,
He wouldn't live with the pigs,
He did not like their digs,
Paul was not very piggy at all.

JOB ENDS AND THE MONEY QUEST

My job ended on the fourth of May,

I didn't have the rent money and they wouldn't let me stay,

So, I've sold all my pots and my pans,

Have been collecting bottles and cans,

But, I got locked out of my apartment today.

NO BIG FISH TO FISH

No big fish in the lake so, I'm not fishing,

Too much algae so, no fish fry dishing,

Now, in my free time I mow lawn,

Fertilize it at break of dawn,

But, it's time threading worms I be wishing.

April June Bugs

In April I went looking for the bugs of June,

I know it's early but, the weather's opportune,

With this strange global warm,

New seasons take form,

I take bugs now for the desert comes soon..

MY BANKER OWNS A SNOT MACHINE

When I go to see my banker,
He is snoty never mean,
That's because my banker owns,
A delux snot machine,

He tells me that my account is low,
And, I do not save a lot,
He tells me if I'd save some more,
He'd give me some free snot,

I told him to keep my money,
If, he would bother me no more,
Life is just so very short,
Snot's not worth living for.

I AM SPARTACUS, NOT

I dreamt I was a gladiator back in ancient Rome,

My chest was exposed, as was my lack of muscle tone,

Of course, I noticed that my sword,

Was made of thin cardboard,

Then, I felt the Roman spear through my belly and backbone.

ENTER MY WORK DOMAIN

When you enter there you have to stoop,🐫

Of course, it is a chicken koop,🐤🐤🐤🐤

No chickens even 5'4",🐥🐥🐥🐥

So, it is a much shorter door,🐾🐈

STOP! Don't touch the floor because it's poop.🐔🐓🐔🐔🐔🐣🐣🐣🍳

I'M PREPARED FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (EOW)

I've prepared for the end of the world,

My surrender flags I have unfurled,

I have quantities of stash,

Of root beer and corn hash,

And, a still complex that will leave my hair curled.

A TIGER NEAR THE WOODS

I came upon a tiger lying near the village woods,

I asked him if he knew someone in the nearby hoods,

He said I should not feel a scare,

That he was just there for repair,

His lawn mower was getting fixed at Alfie's Garden Goods.  

THE GRAVY CRUNCH

I went to Gravy Jones's Locker for lunch,

There the gravys' so crusty it has a nice crunch,

And, when added to a roast beef,

Garnished with a bay leaf,

Well, there won't be leftovers for a later on munch.

NEW MOON, JUNE, BABOON, BROTHER-IN-LAW HAIKU

New moon, June, baboon,
Summer guest, brother-in-law,
Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

APPLE PIE FOR EASTER

I bought 21 apples to bake in my healthy apple pie,

I wanted ones with worms for the family's meat supply,

I'll use a dab of cinnamon and lots of grease and flour,

I'll use10 cups of sugar and that will give the family power,

So on the day of the Easter feast,

We'll be eating pie, not an oinking beast.

A Werewolf Ate My Peanut Butter

A werewolf ate my peanut butter; he licked it all out of my jar,

Then, he asked me for my jelly and I told him be had gone too far,

My little pint of jelly I was saving for a friend,

And, I was bound to save it although, it meant my mortal end,

I did not save my jelly and they found my body under my car,

At least what was left of it, packed in my jelly jar.

DON'T BOTHER WITH THE SANTA GIFT HELPLINE

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain!

Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain,

But, they were so terribly bold,

They put me on permanent hold,

Hammering "Jingle Bells" deep into my brain.  

I FLIP CAKES FOR BUNNY

 I flip pancakes for some money,
I top the cakes with eggs all runny,
And, later in the day,
I flip burgers for some pay,

Then, I head home to feed Miss Kitty and Bunny.

COLOSEUS: THE GIANT FISH THAT WALKS ON LAND

Out on the island of Mackinaw,
The strangest beast appeared,
Some say it was a two legged fish,
All Mackinawians saw it as weird,

It came up from the cold depths of Lake Michigan,
It was on a stormy November Eve,
The fairies had closed down for the winter again,
But, there were caretakers who could not leave,

Caretakers watched from the apartments,
As the lightning danced round in the sky,
A creature walked from the lake with garments,
Of seaweed hanging from it's head to it's thigh,

It's mass was that of a fish called a carp,
But, it had legs on each side of it's tail,
It bared large teeth looking for food to scarp,
The creature was large and could eat a whale,

It was named Colossus, it's eyes fixed like stone,
It's hunger to eat seemed so intense indeed,
It's razor sharp teeth could saw through any bone,
It's number one issue was it had to feed,

The caretakers first watched and then trembled,
As the creature chased down an orange cat,
Then, the caretakers quickly assembled,
They decided to fight and no one would scat,

The creature seemed attracted to light,
As it made it's way up to the hotel on a hill,
It was moving toward the Grand Hotel sight,
Where it could dine upon it's favorite kill,

The caretakers had devised a devious plan,
It was simple but if it worked it was good,
They'd chase it off with the roar of a cannon,
The Mackinaw Island would be at peace as it should,

The old cannon had been there for 300 years,
It took pride blasting enemies in war,
It was old but, when fired brought about tears,
It's cannon balls likely settled the score,

So, two young caretakers ran behind the thing,
They ran toward the beach of the Michigan sea,
They yelled, hollered and taunted with a sing,
The monster saw them and he couldn't let them flee,

The two legged monster fish pursued with a thrust,
He knew he could catch them with a jump and a pounce,
If he landed on top the caretaker would bust,
But, catching and eating is all that counts,

When the caretakers came to the end of the beach,
They knew that real soon there would be a big boom,
They turned toward the monster hearing a screech,
Behind fish monster it sounded like doom,

The fish monster wailed as he felt the heat burn,
He geared up fast toward the lake without any turn,
Everyone said as the monster swam out of sight,
"Come back next year fish and we'll give you a fight".

HERBIE THE FRYING OCTOPUS

An octopus swam like he could fly,

Through the water he swam like it was sky,

The octopus I named Herbie,

And, ran him in the Fish Derby,

He lost but made a splendid fish fry. 

HENRY LIKED BEING A FEASTER ON EASTER

Henry was quite the feaster,
He looked forward to dinner on Easter,
Instead of turkey or ham,
He'd rather eat Spam,
Spam was his favorite farm beaster.

THE MAID KILLED THE EGGS

My house was so dirty I hired a maid,

The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed,

She killed all the bugs,

In my linens and rugs,

And, the eggs in the fridge the bugs laid.

 

WINTER STARS HAIKU

Winter stars, cold, bright,
Aloof, heavens lamps, Angels,
Watching ants freeze.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and without my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left me hurt and lame.

I WENT OUT DIGGING TRUFFLES

I went out digging truffles underneath a big pine tree,

I don't know what a truffle is so I picked what I could see,

I found a bug, a can and snake,

A bottle cap and partial rake,

I wonder which one of my items a pricey truffle be.

The Bear Got Mad

I came upon a big bear face to face,

I got scared and sprayed him with some bear mace,

Then, the bear got mad,

And, I got sad,

Cause, he scattered my innards all over the place.

DENTIST BE KIND

I went to the dentist but, he wouldn't let me in,

He said I was too poor and that was a sin,

I said I had a toothache,

He replied "that's a tough break,"

Then, he recommended using pliers and gin.

DON'T BE A CHEARY DEARY

In far North Michigan we know there is no hope,

With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope,

So don't try to cheer us with song,

We'll just take it wrong,

And, you'll be labeled for life as a dope.

Spider Bites

There were spiders climbing up the stair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders under the silverware,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders in my curly hair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders in the underwear,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders roam across my lair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders come out when I off the lights,

Spider bites, spider bites

I'd use some spray but, they have rights,

Spider bites, spider bites,

So, I made them friends and now were tights,

Except for Harold, he still bites.

I CURE THE BLUES

When I'm having a bad day and feeling unhap,

I do the same as what did my old pap,

I binge eat till I'm sick,

Till I'll burst with one prick,

Then, for days I'll do nothing but nap.

TEA AND COOKIES AND BEAR🏡

I was sleeping in my recliner chair,💺

When I got visited by the bear,🐻

He brewed some tea, ☕

Enough for me,🤓

I offered cookies but, for them he didn't care.🍪🍪🍪

DONNY THE CROOK CURLED UP WITH A BOOK

Donny curled up with a book,

He couldn't read but at the pictures he'd look,

Now, old Donny is retired,

Most say he was fired,

Donny the illiterate is also a crook,

When Donny had his big job at the top,

He filled his pockets with loot non-stop,

And, if a meeting you sought,

With a bribe, time you bought,

But, at the end his crime bubble went pop.

COMBAT FINGER RISING

While taunts and giggles come from their foes,

Some have terrors of the nose,

As boogers fall out and stain their cloths,

The finger rises in combat pose,

To dig out those that cause such woes.

FIRST SPRING SUNDAY IN CORNING

Although early red skies forecast a warning,

The sun shined brightly this Sunday morning,

And, the robins that paired,

Built nests so, they cared,

On this first spring Sunday in Corning.

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT MISSED SPORTS EVENT

I thought I'd watch some hockey

But, I passed out drinking sake,

It was real late on my tic tocky,

So, I poured some scotch on some cold rocky,

Then, played some recordings of Sebastian Bachy.

SPRING SNOW AND THE PRIMROSE

I wondered where all of my primroses went,

They were under the snow some demon had sent,

Perhaps under my toes,

I crushed my yellow primrose,

Spring snow gives me reason to vent.

MY CHIN HURTS AND I SMELL, ALLEGEDLY

I think I hurt my little chin,

When I got smacked by the 1st violin,

Little Edith Bower,

Told me to shower,

And, if I didn't quit sticking she'd hit me again.