A TIGER NEAR THE WOODS

I came upon a tiger lying near the village woods,

I asked him if he knew someone in the nearby hoods,

He said I should not feel a scare,

That he was just there for repair,

His lawn mower was getting fixed at Alfie's Garden Goods.  

THE GRAVY CRUNCH

I went to Gravy Jones's Locker for lunch,

There the gravys' so crusty it has a nice crunch,

And, when added to a roast beef,

Garnished with a bay leaf,

Well, there won't be leftovers for a later on munch.

NEW MOON, JUNE, BABOON, BROTHER-IN-LAW HAIKU

New moon, June, baboon,
Summer guest, brother-in-law,
Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

APPLE PIE FOR EASTER

I bought 21 apples to bake in my healthy apple pie,

I wanted ones with worms for the family's meat supply,

I'll use a dab of cinnamon and lots of grease and flour,

I'll use10 cups of sugar and that will give the family power,

So on the day of the Easter feast,

We'll be eating pie, not an oinking beast.

A Werewolf Ate My Peanut Butter

A werewolf ate my peanut butter; he licked it all out of my jar,

Then, he asked me for my jelly and I told him be had gone too far,

My little pint of jelly I was saving for a friend,

And, I was bound to save it although, it meant my mortal end,

I did not save my jelly and they found my body under my car,

At least what was left of it, packed in my jelly jar.

DON'T BOTHER WITH THE SANTA GIFT HELPLINE

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain!

Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain,

But, they were so terribly bold,

They put me on permanent hold,

Hammering "Jingle Bells" deep into my brain.  

I FLIP CAKES FOR BUNNY

 I flip pancakes for some money,
I top the cakes with eggs all runny,
And, later in the day,
I flip burgers for some pay,

Then, I head home to feed Miss Kitty and Bunny.

COLOSEUS: THE GIANT FISH THAT WALKS ON LAND

Out on the island of Mackinaw,
The strangest beast appeared,
Some say it was a two legged fish,
All Mackinawians saw it as weird,

It came up from the cold depths of Lake Michigan,
It was on a stormy November Eve,
The fairies had closed down for the winter again,
But, there were caretakers who could not leave,

Caretakers watched from the apartments,
As the lightning danced round in the sky,
A creature walked from the lake with garments,
Of seaweed hanging from it's head to it's thigh,

It's mass was that of a fish called a carp,
But, it had legs on each side of it's tail,
It bared large teeth looking for food to scarp,
The creature was large and could eat a whale,

It was named Colossus, it's eyes fixed like stone,
It's hunger to eat seemed so intense indeed,
It's razor sharp teeth could saw through any bone,
It's number one issue was it had to feed,

The caretakers first watched and then trembled,
As the creature chased down an orange cat,
Then, the caretakers quickly assembled,
They decided to fight and no one would scat,

The creature seemed attracted to light,
As it made it's way up to the hotel on a hill,
It was moving toward the Grand Hotel sight,
Where it could dine upon it's favorite kill,

The caretakers had devised a devious plan,
It was simple but if it worked it was good,
They'd chase it off with the roar of a cannon,
The Mackinaw Island would be at peace as it should,

The old cannon had been there for 300 years,
It took pride blasting enemies in war,
It was old but, when fired brought about tears,
It's cannon balls likely settled the score,

So, two young caretakers ran behind the thing,
They ran toward the beach of the Michigan sea,
They yelled, hollered and taunted with a sing,
The monster saw them and he couldn't let them flee,

The two legged monster fish pursued with a thrust,
He knew he could catch them with a jump and a pounce,
If he landed on top the caretaker would bust,
But, catching and eating is all that counts,

When the caretakers came to the end of the beach,
They knew that real soon there would be a big boom,
They turned toward the monster hearing a screech,
Behind fish monster it sounded like doom,

The fish monster wailed as he felt the heat burn,
He geared up fast toward the lake without any turn,
Everyone said as the monster swam out of sight,
"Come back next year fish and we'll give you a fight".

HERBIE THE FRYING OCTOPUS

An octopus swam like he could fly,

Through the water he swam like it was sky,

The octopus I named Herbie,

And, ran him in the Fish Derby,

He lost but made a splendid fish fry. 

HENRY LIKED BEING A FEASTER ON EASTER

Henry was quite the feaster,
He looked forward to dinner on Easter,
Instead of turkey or ham,
He'd rather eat Spam,
Spam was his favorite farm beaster.

THE MAID KILLED THE EGGS

My house was so dirty I hired a maid,

The first thing she did, she bug sprayed and bug sprayed,

She killed all the bugs,

In my linens and rugs,

And, the eggs in the fridge the bugs laid.

 

WINTER STARS HAIKU

Winter stars, cold, bright,
Aloof, heavens lamps, Angels,
Watching ants freeze.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and without my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left me hurt and lame.

I WENT OUT DIGGING TRUFFLES

I went out digging truffles underneath a big pine tree,

I don't know what a truffle is so I picked what I could see,

I found a bug, a can and snake,

A bottle cap and partial rake,

I wonder which one of my items a pricey truffle be.

The Bear Got Mad

I came upon a big bear face to face,

I got scared and sprayed him with some bear mace,

Then, the bear got mad,

And, I got sad,

Cause, he scattered my innards all over the place.

DENTIST BE KIND

I went to the dentist but, he wouldn't let me in,

He said I was too poor and that was a sin,

I said I had a toothache,

He replied "that's a tough break,"

Then, he recommended using pliers and gin.

DON'T BE A CHEARY DEARY

In far North Michigan we know there is no hope,

With long winters we depend on beer and poker to cope,

So don't try to cheer us with song,

We'll just take it wrong,

And, you'll be labeled for life as a dope.

Spider Bites

There were spiders climbing up the stair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders under the silverware,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders in my curly hair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders in the underwear,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders roam across my lair,

Spider bites, spider bites,

Spiders come out when I off the lights,

Spider bites, spider bites

I'd use some spray but, they have rights,

Spider bites, spider bites,

So, I made them friends and now were tights,

Except for Harold, he still bites.

I CURE THE BLUES

When I'm having a bad day and feeling unhap,

I do the same as what did my old pap,

I binge eat till I'm sick,

Till I'll burst with one prick,

Then, for days I'll do nothing but nap.

TEA AND COOKIES AND BEAR🏡

I was sleeping in my recliner chair,💺

When I got visited by the bear,🐻

He brewed some tea, ☕

Enough for me,🤓

I offered cookies but, for them he didn't care.🍪🍪🍪

DONNY THE CROOK CURLED UP WITH A BOOK

Donny curled up with a book,

He couldn't read but at the pictures he'd look,

Now, old Donny is retired,

Most say he was fired,

Donny the illiterate is also a crook,

When Donny had his big job at the top,

He filled his pockets with loot non-stop,

And, if a meeting you sought,

With a bribe, time you bought,

But, at the end his crime bubble went pop.

COMBAT FINGER RISING

While taunts and giggles come from their foes,

Some have terrors of the nose,

As boogers fall out and stain their cloths,

The finger rises in combat pose,

To dig out those that cause such woes.

FIRST SPRING SUNDAY IN CORNING

Although early red skies forecast a warning,

The sun shined brightly this Sunday morning,

And, the robins that paired,

Built nests so, they cared,

On this first spring Sunday in Corning.

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT MISSED SPORTS EVENT

I thought I'd watch some hockey

But, I passed out drinking sake,

It was real late on my tic tocky,

So, I poured some scotch on some cold rocky,

Then, played some recordings of Sebastian Bachy.

SPRING SNOW AND THE PRIMROSE

I wondered where all of my primroses went,

They were under the snow some demon had sent,

Perhaps under my toes,

I crushed my yellow primrose,

Spring snow gives me reason to vent.

MY CHIN HURTS AND I SMELL, ALLEGEDLY

I think I hurt my little chin,

When I got smacked by the 1st violin,

Little Edith Bower,

Told me to shower,

And, if I didn't quit sticking she'd hit me again.

THERE WAS A CRAWDAD NAMED CLAUD

There once was a crawdad named Claude,
His claws were overly broad,
If you gave him one inch,
That's just what he'd pinch,
And, off that inch his claw sawed.

THE SPRING OF DECAY

Spring is here and there's mold on my bread,

The flies are breeding, maggots are fat and well fed,

My food all rots away,

It's all in a state of decay,

At least the food I found under my bed.

WHY SPRING CLEANING?

There are bugs in the carpet and nasty wasps on the wing,

Spider webs are so many that moving air makes them sing,

The dust is so thick,

Every breath makes me sick,

That's why I clean house every spring.

OPERATIONAL TIME TRAVEL

There's no question that I travel through time,

In the natural order it isn't a crime,

But, the direction I travel seems set in stone,

I can't travel to see skin put back on a bone,

Dinosaur bones I can see rebuilt up to the sky,

But, I can only imagine how they could live and or die,

It seems the direction of time takes me only one way,

I can move towards tomorrow but not yesterday,

You see I have often traveled from what did to what does,

But, I have never traversed from what's now to what was. 

I REPORTED MY SNOWMAN MISSING

My snowman is missing and nobody cares,

He may have been eaten by cougars or bears,

I reported that he disappeared,

The officer said it wasn't weird,

"Many snowmen are giving friends scares." 

PAM SAW A PIZZA FACE DOWN IN THE STREET-Limerick

Pam saw a pizza face down in the street,
She figured the Pizza was still good to eat,
She didn't mind the bugs,
Or, slimy old slugs,
She got so sick she couldn't stand on her feet.

PICKERS FOUND THE LEPRECHAUN'S GOLD

The poor little Leprechaun was feeling real bad,
For he lost all of his gold and that was so sad,
Then, while watching the antique show Pickers,
He soiled his knickers,
For his gold was the best pick that they had.

 
 
The poor antique show pickers are feeling real bad,
They found the Leprechaun's gold and he got real mad,
They got a pain-in-the-back curse,
And, what was even much worse,
The gold was not solid just clad. 

 

CHEERS TO GRANDMA FLOSSIE HELEN MURPHY ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

They came in ships from across the sea,
They joined into my family tree,
From County Cork on the Irish Isle,
They brought to America their Irish style,

And, every year I raise a glass,
To the Irish ghosts of kin I pass,
So, to Grandma Murphy I say cheers,
And, God willing I will for many years.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF MARCHING BAND

Because my trumpet made an awful tone,

I was forced to play the sousaphone,

Because I ate too much starch,

My body wouldn't march, 

Now I sit in the bleachers alone.

THE IDES OF MARCH: A TIME TO FEAR

The Ides Of March is a time to fear,
The warming weather skunks my beer,
The softening of the swampy land,
Prepares great traps of quickened sand,

I do not embrace the Ides as dear,
They come each month year after year,
And, on the Ides I am a sleeper,
Thus, I avoid dear Caesar's reaper.

WHAT TO DO ON THE IDES

What to to in March on the Ides?

Unlike Caesar, one runs and one hides,

But, some on this date,

Drink up and celebrate,

That is, if you're lucky at picking best sides.

HILDA BAKED A PIN CHERRY PIE

Hilda baked a pin cherry pie,
She forgot sugar and the tartness makes me cry,
And, if I eat more than one piece,
I fear I'll give up life's lease,
When, my face puckers so tight that I die.

10 AND/OR 8 AVENGED CASESAR

Caesar had a really bad day

He was a war hero but became a fillet,

For the Cleopatra affair,

Gave the Roman Senate a scare,

But, Augustus made the assassins all pay.

THE RETURN OF THE ROBIN RED BREAST

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying,

I was quite tempted and imagined him frying,

Alas, the better angels in me,

Said, "let the red-breasted be free,"

I was appalled, watching the little worms dying.

MOMMA AND I EAT PIE AND THE KIDS EAT BEANS

I feed my family pineapple with pork and beans,

It feeds the little ones through the teens,

But, momma and I,

We eat fruit pie,

So, we're a couple of fats while the kids are all leans.

031321

HOW'S DONNY DOING NOW?

Donny went swimming and got covered with scabs,

Then be foamed at the mouth because he also had rabs,

So, Donny was shoved in the car,

Driven to the ER,

And, was quarantined because of the crabs.

ANGELS HARKING

The dog next door is always barking,

The lark in the tree is always larking,

My parking brakes stay lit after parking,

My leaky marker is always marking,

Those harking angels won't stop harking,

All this sends my brain cells arching.

PHYLLIS HAD A PURPLE PONEY

My wife Phyllis had a purple pony,
It ate and ate all day,
It gave affections that were phony,
When She gave a cooing bray,

I did not like the purple pony,
I did not like her at all,
It ate well while we ate baloney,
And, it kicked down our best stall,

It cost so much to keep the purple pony beast,
We had no money on which to live,
We lived with famine while the monster had feast,
There was no more that I could give,

So, we mortgaged up the farm,
And, spent every cent we could earn,
Just to feed that awful pony,
She ate like we had money to burn,

Finally, I had had enough,
And left my wife and her purple mare,
I had lost my farm and all my stuff,
And, that purple pony did not care.

FREE TEA WARNING

John liked to turn plants in his yard into tea,

Unfortunately, one plant was poison ivy,

John's eyeballs swelled tight,

His skin was all blight,

His core temperature reached one hundred and three.

MY SNOWMAN GOT BURNT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

I know it's kind of a terrible thing,

But, I burnt my snowman on the first day of spring,

Our relationship is over,

Until, November or October,

I did recover our friendship gold bling. 

MY WARDROBE WAS A ROYAL CRIME

Wearing royal colors got me into court,

I was told my body would soon be a head short,

I got down on my knees,

But, despite all my pleas,

My head became a kicking ball sport.

MY INTERVIEW WITH A PRINCE

I wanted to interview a queen,

But, she said my rag mag was too mean,

But, a prince gave me time

And, confessed to a crime,

That I couldn't repeat without being obscene.

THE LION EATS TONIGHT

The lion eats tonight,

Because the path in the jungle was tight,

I got caught between trees,

Which gave the lion jollies, 

He laughed as he took his first bite.

Beware Michigan Winters

Michigan winters can't be taken with ease,

If you decide for a nap, you've decided to freeze

When winds blow down from aloft,

Internal organs won't stay soft,

And, there's no escape with arthritic knees.

MY LITTLE DOG LEE

I had a feisty Pomeranian named Little Dog Lee,

He would bite down on my pant cuffs and not let them be,

But, when I offered him bacon,

His real desire would awaken,

After that he'd let my pant cuffs hang free.

WINTER SETTLES IN

Winter months have settled in,

Subzero temps make my blue skin,

I know good folk would say I sin,

I warm myself with homemade gin,

The methanol gives me death's grin,

I now rest with the demons, mostly kin.

LEADFOOT PENNY GOT CAUGHT

Penny traveled down the road too fast,
And, became a part of the criminal caste,
So, she got a big fine,
But, Penny didn't whine,
For she violated many times in the past.

CANNED CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP WITH NO CHICKEN IN IT MAKE PEOPLE SICK?

There are many noodles in my chicken noodle soup,

But, I see not a piece of chicken in any soup scoop,

Yet, I hear soup gurgles in soup filled bellies,

Fellow soup eaters have tainted soup belly yellies,

I fear a cumming bathroom blitz with this troop.   

   

ODE TO MY WOODEN SHOES

When I'm hungry I can always chew,

On my left or right wooden shoe,

When things get really tense,

I have a club for defense,

My shoes get attention from more than a few.

GRANDPA PONG BONG

I went to the Care Home to bring Grandad his bong,👴

He insisted I stay and play a few games of Pong,📺

Gramps was a champ at that game,🏆

Got a trophy, methinks "lame,"🙄

You'd think he'd move on to Space Invaders or Kong.👽🐵

SPACE LASER 2021

QANON built a laser in space, 

They built it at a record pace,

They're space laser wasn't first,

But, it was the worst,

It's recoil smacked the moon in the face.

THE ICE SHANTY

An ice shanty sat out on the lake,
Where fishermen fish for perch and splake,
The winter winds stopped,
The ice shanty dropped,
Now it's a home for the fish to take.

I CHANGED MY BUSINESS PARTNERS

I decided to change out my business chums,
Because, I couldn't understand their sums,
But, how you choose,
Is why you loose,
I thank goodness for the charity of mums.

WHAT BECAME OF MY SAUSAGE LINKS

I made bean and pepper pork sausage links,

But, my brother-in-laws were both nasty finks,

They ate ten sausages apiece,

Then passed gas like two geese,

And, said that my sausage just stinks.