PEABODY SMITH

Peabody Smith sat on a hill,
He was drinking his brandy,
And having a thrill,

Peabody looked out on his city with delight,
Then the mosquitoes swarmed him,
They started to bite,

He threw off his jigger and ran away,
The mosquitoes kept swarming,
They found Peabody next day,

A coroner happened to be handy, 
He said Peabody lost every last drop of blood,
Filling the mosquitoes with brandy.

WOE UNTO MY ALARM CLOCK

My alarm clock made a horrible tone
It chilled me all the way to the bone,
I found a big rock,
I smashed-up the clock,
But, the tone came from my cellular phone,

MR. PIB AND HIS TIME MACHINE

Mr. Pib owned a broken time machine,
Only into the future it found it’s scene,
Pib could not go back in time,
So, he aged from his prime,
Pib got revenge with a crowbar and ball-peen.  

TIM AND HIS TREASURE

Tim found a really large treasure,
He hid it again for good measure,
His brother named Steve,
He just loved to thieve,
Would steal it just for the pleasure.

OCTOBER THE 4TH AND MY ROBOT NAMED DOUG

It's October the fourth and "oh my,"
My robot named Doug went bye, bye,
Doug went completely insane,
Then, he got on a plane,
And, married an old VCR in Hawaii.

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SARAH

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

MARTA'S WICKED WHIRLIGIG,

Martha's wicked whirligig,
It was so fast, so big,
It spun way to fast,
Then, went flying at last,
And, made bacon out of Maribel's pig.

IT'S THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER

It's the first of September,
It's so cold that I'll remember,
No food in the yard,
And, in the house just some lard,
But, the cockroaches deep-fried are quite tender.

MR. MEADE WAS AN INSTRUMENTAL STAR

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star,
He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar,
He played in Chicago and New Orleans,
And, in Japan and the Philippines,
From a poor small town he really went far.

THE NO-SEE- EM FLIES

Jon was attacked by the no-see-em flies,
When attacked in mass everyone dies,
Poor Jon fell asunder,
By the no-see-em plunder,
He never could say his goodbyes.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

THE NANNY LIMERICK

My nanny sailed away on a ship,
Her nanny job she decided to flip,
And, as to my kids,
She gave them all goodbye bids,
But, she wanted a job that was hip.

THE MONEY VAMPIRE

My banker has a desperate desire,
To be a real life money vampire,
On my credit he sucks,
Charges big interest bucks,
And, my bank fees are going much higher.

NASTY TWEET FOR THE EX LIMERICK

Randy's ex-wife sent him a real nasty tweet,
She said she left him because of his stinky feet,
Randy blamed the wet weather,
And, cheap imported leather,
But, it was foot fungus combined with the heat.
 

CAROLINE WAS THE LIGHT ON THE BAY

Caroline was the light on the bay,
When she left the light faded away,
I promised that I would change,
But, my voice was out of range,
Now my heart breaks with each passing day.

JUNIOR EXPLORED HIS ID

Junior decided to explore his id,
But, found out his id was really a a squid,
So, Junior swam out to the sea,
To eat fish and be free,
And, do whatever all squids always did.

MY BOSS MR. WENDELL

Wendell was a wild weird wart,
With whopping wicked ways,
He cried over each labor cost report,
And, rewarded workers with false praise.

And, if workers asked for a raise,
Wendell would really weep,
Then, he’d replace those workers Ono, dos, tress,
Well, Wendell was a creep.

TONY RIDES HIS PIG LIMERICK

Tony liked to ride his pig,
Out to the yearly truffles dig,
But, the pig wouldn't use his snout,
Until he had a pint of good stout,
And, a hand-rolled menthol-flavored brown cig.    

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE LIMERICK

Bye, bye heat wave with the new falling rain, 
But, the lightning strike has caused me so much pain, 
I know that I’m not dead,
Cause I feel pain in my head, I can’t afford a hospital bed, 
So, I’ll drink some homemade hooch instead.

IT'S 2015 AND THE LAST DAY OF JULY

It's 2015 and the last day of July,
I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly,
He out flies my flyswatter,
So, my anger grow hotter,
Oh, why can't this fly simply die.

GEORGIA BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN

Georgia burned her house all up,
Because she used a paper cup,
For a cheap ashtray,
A paper cup didn’t pay,
Now she has nowhere to sup.

ODE TO GRANDMA MABEL

It was great to sit at the dinner table,
Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel,
Her entrees were prophetic,
Of the beef roast tasting poetic, 
And, cherry pies most touted in fable.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD THIS SPRING

They were coming up the rivers to bed,
I had one big one take the hook,
On fishing he wrote the book,
He got away, I got wet, enough said.

THE WATER-SKI TRIP

My wife said our water-ski trip was the worst,
I then felt so bad that I thought I would burst,
I said it was sunny,
She said it’s not funny,
Taking her water-skiing on February first.

UNCLE JOE HAUNTS: A LIMERICK

Uncle Joe went fishing with a knife,
He missed the fish and ended his own life,
Now he haunts in the water,
In the guise of an otter,
With his otter children and wife.

A VAMPIRE PHASE? A LIMERICK

There once was a vampire named Maze,
She went on a blood sucking craze,
Her mom went to a shrink,
She asked "What do you think?"
He said, "Maze was just in a phase".

MABEL THE MUSKRAT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN LIMERICK

Mabel the muskrat stunk to high heaven,
She smelled worse than a skunk by seven times seven,
She couldn‘t find any mate,
So, she married really late,
She tied the knot at the old age of eleven.

TOBIAS WILLIS NICOLAS SHORT

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Was once chief council to the mighty king's court,

But, he engaged the king in intellectual sport,

Then, off to the war front he had to report,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Led his troops on a charge that he had to abort,

"Coward" they called him back at the fort,

"It was an unattainable win" was Short's own retort,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Sentenced to die in some foreign port,

Then, shot by some soldiers that gave him escort,

While, Short clutched a picture of his mother Dort. 

A STARFISH NAMED ZEB

There was a young starfish named Zed,
Each evening he wet to bed,
His bed was not dry,
So, poor Zed would cry,
Then, blamed his pet catfish named Ted.

EACH JULY UPON THE FIRST

Each July upon the first, 
That's when the fireworks begin to burst,
It's just three days away,
From the official firework's display,
And, early booms are definitely the worst.

A RATTLESNAKE WAS ON MY DECK

A rattlesnake was on my deck,
It was really hotter than heck,
He asked me for a beer,
I said I had none here,
He bit me now I am a wreck.

MY MEDS, FEDS AND PRISON BEDS LIMERICK

I forgot to take my meds,
When I made my taxes out for the feds,
Then, the feds got real mean,
Said my statement's unclean,
Now, in prison I'll be making my beds.

A MUSHROOM GAVE ME A "WANTS MORE" ATTACK

I found a mushroom near my shack,
It was growing juicy and black,
It tasted great,
That sealed my fate,
To suffer a "Wants More" attack.

KAREN THE POPLAR TREE

There was a poplar tree named Karen,
For her looks it was not worth starin',
When the lumberjack came round,
Karen was cut right down,
As firewood Karen is flarin'.

THE DANCE FOR ROMANCE LIMERICK

To find someone to share romance,
Bently liked to do a dance,
He did a polka-twist,
With bent Egyptian wrists,
And, finished off with a rooster prance.

I had a robot I named Wizard,
He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard,
He had a big boil,
Which burst to leak oil,
Which sprayed from his robotic gizzard.

A BROKEN WRISTA FOR A VIEW OF A VISTA

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista,
Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista,
Well, downward I fell,
Got klonked in the bell,
And, broke my leg, my back and, my wrista.

THE FORTUNE COOKIE BLUES

I have the fortune cookie blues,
Because my cookie gave me bad news,
At my upcoming weddin'
There will be Armageddon,
When my in-laws drink too much booze.

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HAZEL THE POLITE COW

Hazel was a very polite cow,
She would courtesy if the bull would bow,
She would always moo “Hi!”
When strangers walked by,
She was nice in the here and the now.

I'M GLAD MAY IS OVER

Well, I can't lament the month of May,
I'm just glad the month has gone away,
The kids both got sick,
My wife left me for some chick,
And, my boss gave me a big cut in pay.

TODAY IS MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day,

So, let's remember those left in the past,

And, thank them in our quiet thoughts,

For legacies they built to last.

MY KITTY HAD A SQUEAKY TOY

My kitty had a squeaky toy,
Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy,
On the morn of each day,
Squeaky mouse got such play,
By afternoon it would really annoy.

THE COMPUTER SCREEN HAIKU

Computer screen bright,
Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen,
Read screen,now nap time.

A SWAN NAMED SANDY

There once was a big swam named Sandy.
She liked drinking apricot brandy,
She went out on the bay,
Drank her brandy all day,
Then, slept where she found it was handy.

JIM ATE SOME TAINTED SALMON

Jim ate some salmon that his ex-wife had canned,
Tainted with bacteria, it should have been banned,
Jim had the heaves and the squats,
The gray tears and red snots,
He ached in every bone and each gland.

MABEL COOKED FOR HER PET MOUSE

Mabel made a dish of fresh grouse,
She made it for her little pet mouse,
The mouse would not eat the dish,
He preferred to eat only fish,
So, Mabel went fishing for the louse.

WHAT FLOATS IN MY SOUP

What floats in my soup I must say?

Have a beak, a stinger and toupee,

I think that I'll stop,

With what floats on top,

And, let what lies below simply lay.  

I'M THROUGH BECAUSE MY TAXES ARE DUE

Today my income taxes are all due,

I can't pay them so, I guess I am through,

For my savings expired,

When my broker retired,

He left the country and I can't even sue,

 

MY INCOME I NEED TO UPGRADE (FOR TAX PURPOSES)

My income I need to upgrade,
Or, the IRS will be making a raid,
For, my income is small,
And, my tax liability tall,
I wonder how they expect to get paid.

MY INCOME TAX SHORTFALL

My tax forms are due soon this year,
But, cash for taxes well, it just ain't here,
I divorced my spouse,
Sold my business and house,
Still, I'm  coming up way short I fear. 

CAMELOT

There once was a kingdom called Camelot,
A greasy spoon diner about marks the spot,
They once had a king,
Who just liked to sing,
He died poor and he didn't have a pot.

FISHING ON THIN ICE

I went fishing on thin ice on the river,
The ice gave way and I froze my toes and my liver,
Now, everything is fine,
Though, my liver can't take wine,
But, a glass of whisky does ward off the shiver.

WHEN AT THE GREEN LIGHT I DID LINGER LIMERICK

When at the green light I did linger,
The driver behind gave me the finger,
When I stepped on the gas,
The finger-driver did pass,
Yelling insults for his final zinger.

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THE POLTERGIEST

There once was a really poor poltergeist,
Who thought he'd pull off a casino heist,
But, since his body was unreal,
He couldn't grab much, less steal,
Being dead just zapped all his fiest.

THE END OF FEBRUARY LIMERICK

The end of February has come at last,
It's ranked in a very low caste,
Not a favorite month that you'd pick,
Unless your mind is real sick,
And, Don't remember warm months in the past.

LITTLE PA MURPHY HAD COWS ON HIS RANGE

Little Pa Murphy had cows on his range,
That had all come down with a bad case of mange,
The steaks were laid bare,
As the cows lost their hair,
The bare cows looked utterly strange.

I LOVE TO BUY CANDY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

I love to buy candy on Valentine's Day,
I eat it myself and don't give it away,
When calories bring such despair,
It would be selfish to share,
So, I'll unselfishly eat candy and pay.

I'M A LONELY VALENTINE

St. Valentine's day comes up year after year,
But, not once on that date I'm with one who is dear,
But, maybe sometime,
When, I'm long past my prime,
I'll sit not alone with my beer.

A HICKORY NUT LIMERICK

A hickory nut fell out of a tree,
It bounced off my head and pieced through my knee,
The doctor said well,
You have a thick skull,
But, soft in the knee bone I see.

MY EYE PECKING PET CHICKEN GETS FOILED LIMERICK

My pet chicken liked to peck at my eyes,
And, his pecking gave me so many cries,
Now, I give him no passes,
I wear safety glasses,
He's foiled but, he always tries.