ED THE CHRISTMAS HAM

My favorite little pig is Ed,
He has these big brown eyes,
But, when it comes to a Christmas ham,
He'll have a big surprise.

I MADE A CHEESE-BALL WITHOUT CHEESE

I made a holiday cheese-ball without cheese,
Because, dairy makes my kinfolk wheeze,
But, the sawdust and dust,
Gave my cheese-ball a crust,
I guess some people you just cannot please.

BEVERLY MADE A RASPBERRY PIE LIMERICK

Beverly made a pretty raspberry pie,
It had a great smile yet, only one eye,
But, before you could sneeze,
She made an eye patch out of cheese,
Now her pie looks like the pirate Captain Bly,

DAVID THE YOUNG MAN OF DREAD

David was a young man of dread,
He was always unhappy in his head,
He looked down and not up,
Like some sad little pup,
While blue skies hid dark clouds in their stead.

CELL PHONE HAIKU

Cell phone, static noise,
Sister's birthday, call dropped twice,
Communication?

I WONDER WHERE MY TOOLS ALL WENT

I wonder where my tools all went,

Did the neighbor bring back the ones I lent?

Did someone find my tools had quite an appeal,

And, take the time to just out-and-out steal?

Was it my cousin or brother?

Or, maybe grandmother?

If I didn't need tools it wouldn't be such a big deal.

A LITTLE LIE TO MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT MY HOME

I'm afraid I told my girlfriend a little fib,
When I bragged about my fabulous crib,
She was taken aback,
With my tar papered shack,
And, jabbed her elbow right into my rib.   

THE HEALTH CARE FRAUD LIMERICK

Jim's doctor does claims for fraudulent health care,
The doctor makes loads of money and Jim is aware,
For Jim fakes a heart attack,
And gets a hefty kickback,
You see there's lots of government money to share.  

THE UNSEEN DEER LIMERICK

There was a deer that was completely unseen,
He was hiding in branches real thick and real green,
To the hunters despair,
They saw no deer there,
At deer camp the hunters drank and went mean.

THE FISH IN MY YARD LIMERICK

I had a fish in my yard,
He went and ate my swiss chard,
He was such a savage, 
He ate all of my cabbage,
He brags about it everywhere like a bard.   

MY TURKEY MABEL WON'T BE SERVED ON MY TABLE

My turkey Mabel looked really nice,

Prancing around and pecking lice,

So, my turkey Mabel,

Won't be served on my table,

The restaurant paid a great price.

 

THE DASHSHUND DAN LIMERICK

Poor Dachshund Dan,
He wanted to walk like a man,
But, when he walked on two legs,
It was like he was moving stiff pegs,
And, he was stumbling around when he ran.

MY CHICKENS ARE MOVING REAL SLOW

My chickens are moving so slow,
They blame the cold and the snow,
But, if the cold they can't beat,
I guess they're ready to eat,
Tomorrow I'll let them all know.

THERE IS A REASON HAIKU

There is a reason,
Born, live, save life, make life, be,
No terms, just worms, see.

A SILLY SUPER HERO LIMERICK

Ironman, Batman and, Superman one day,
Went fishing for perch far out on the bay,
Ironman became rust,
Batman turned to dust,
While Superman slept all the way.

THERE WAS AN OLD BISON NAMED JOE

There was old bison named Joe,
He stepped on farmer Jacks little toe,
Joe said he was sorry,
But, Jack brought round his lorry,
Now off to the market they go.

THE ROTTEN FIGS LIMERICK

The figs I ate were rotten,
That's why they were cheaply gotten,
So, when at a store,
Don't buy like you're poor,
Or, on the floor you will be vomit blot'en.  

PEABODY SMITH

Peabody Smith sat on a hill,
He was drinking his brandy,
And having a thrill,

Peabody looked out on his city with delight,
Then the mosquitoes swarmed him,
They started to bite,

He threw off his jigger and ran away,
The mosquitoes kept swarming,
They found Peabody next day,

A coroner happened to be handy, 
He said Peabody lost every last drop of blood,
Filling the mosquitoes with brandy.

WOE UNTO MY ALARM CLOCK

My alarm clock made a horrible tone
It chilled me all the way to the bone,
I found a big rock,
I smashed-up the clock,
But, the tone came from my cellular phone,

MR. PIB AND HIS TIME MACHINE

Mr. Pib owned a broken time machine,
Only into the future it found it’s scene,
Pib could not go back in time,
So, he aged from his prime,
Pib got revenge with a crowbar and ball-peen.  

TIM AND HIS TREASURE

Tim found a really large treasure,
He hid it again for good measure,
His brother named Steve,
He just loved to thieve,
Would steal it just for the pleasure.

OCTOBER THE 4TH AND MY ROBOT NAMED DOUG

It's October the fourth and "oh my,"
My robot named Doug went bye, bye,
Doug went completely insane,
Then, he got on a plane,
And, married an old VCR in Hawaii.

I KNEW A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SARAH

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara .

MARTA'S WICKED WHIRLIGIG,

Martha's wicked whirligig,
It was so fast, so big,
It spun way to fast,
Then, went flying at last,
And, made bacon out of Maribel's pig.

IT'S THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER

It's the first of September,
It's so cold that I'll remember,
No food in the yard,
And, in the house just some lard,
But, the cockroaches deep-fried are quite tender.

MR. MEADE WAS AN INSTRUMENTAL STAR

Mr. Meade was truly a rare instrumental star,
He played "Flight of the Bumblebee" on trumpet or guitar,
He played in Chicago and New Orleans,
And, in Japan and the Philippines,
From a poor small town he really went far.

THE NO-SEE- EM FLIES

Jon was attacked by the no-see-em flies,
When attacked in mass everyone dies,
Poor Jon fell asunder,
By the no-see-em plunder,
He never could say his goodbyes.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

A satirical limerick was let loose,
That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose,
It made him look bad,
So, he got really mad,
And, banned limericks for satirical use.

THE NANNY LIMERICK

My nanny sailed away on a ship,
Her nanny job she decided to flip,
And, as to my kids,
She gave them all goodbye bids,
But, she wanted a job that was hip.

THE MONEY VAMPIRE

My banker has a desperate desire,
To be a real life money vampire,
On my credit he sucks,
Charges big interest bucks,
And, my bank fees are going much higher.

NASTY TWEET FOR THE EX LIMERICK

Randy's ex-wife sent him a real nasty tweet,
She said she left him because of his stinky feet,
Randy blamed the wet weather,
And, cheap imported leather,
But, it was foot fungus combined with the heat.
 

CAROLINE WAS THE LIGHT ON THE BAY

Caroline was the light on the bay,
When she left the light faded away,
I promised that I would change,
But, my voice was out of range,
Now my heart breaks with each passing day.

JUNIOR EXPLORED HIS ID

Junior decided to explore his id,
But, found out his id was really a a squid,
So, Junior swam out to the sea,
To eat fish and be free,
And, do whatever all squids always did.

MY BOSS MR. WENDELL

Wendell was a wild weird wart,
With whopping wicked ways,
He cried over each labor cost report,
And, rewarded workers with false praise.

And, if workers asked for a raise,
Wendell would really weep,
Then, he’d replace those workers Ono, dos, tress,
Well, Wendell was a creep.

TONY RIDES HIS PIG LIMERICK

Tony liked to ride his pig,
Out to the yearly truffles dig,
But, the pig wouldn't use his snout,
Until he had a pint of good stout,
And, a hand-rolled menthol-flavored brown cig.    

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE LIMERICK

Bye, bye heat wave with the new falling rain, 
But, the lightning strike has caused me so much pain, 
I know that I’m not dead,
Cause I feel pain in my head, I can’t afford a hospital bed, 
So, I’ll drink some homemade hooch instead.

IT'S 2015 AND THE LAST DAY OF JULY

It's 2015 and the last day of July,
I'm mad at the world because I can't kill this fly,
He out flies my flyswatter,
So, my anger grow hotter,
Oh, why can't this fly simply die.

GEORGIA BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN

Georgia burned her house all up,
Because she used a paper cup,
For a cheap ashtray,
A paper cup didn’t pay,
Now she has nowhere to sup.

ODE TO GRANDMA MABEL

It was great to sit at the dinner table,
Especially, the one set by old Grandma Mabel,
Her entrees were prophetic,
Of the beef roast tasting poetic, 
And, cherry pies most touted in fable.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD THIS SPRING

They were coming up the rivers to bed,
I had one big one take the hook,
On fishing he wrote the book,
He got away, I got wet, enough said.

THE WATER-SKI TRIP

My wife said our water-ski trip was the worst,
I then felt so bad that I thought I would burst,
I said it was sunny,
She said it’s not funny,
Taking her water-skiing on February first.

UNCLE JOE HAUNTS: A LIMERICK

Uncle Joe went fishing with a knife,
He missed the fish and ended his own life,
Now he haunts in the water,
In the guise of an otter,
With his otter children and wife.

A VAMPIRE PHASE? A LIMERICK

There once was a vampire named Maze,
She went on a blood sucking craze,
Her mom went to a shrink,
She asked "What do you think?"
He said, "Maze was just in a phase".

MABEL THE MUSKRAT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN LIMERICK

Mabel the muskrat stunk to high heaven,
She smelled worse than a skunk by seven times seven,
She couldn‘t find any mate,
So, she married really late,
She tied the knot at the old age of eleven.

TOBIAS WILLIS NICOLAS SHORT

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Was once chief council to the mighty king's court,

But, he engaged the king in intellectual sport,

Then, off to the war front he had to report,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Led his troops on a charge that he had to abort,

"Coward" they called him back at the fort,

"It was an unattainable win" was Short's own retort,

Tobias Willis Nicolas Short,

Sentenced to die in some foreign port,

Then, shot by some soldiers that gave him escort,

While, Short clutched a picture of his mother Dort. 

A STARFISH NAMED ZEB

There was a young starfish named Zed,
Each evening he wet to bed,
His bed was not dry,
So, poor Zed would cry,
Then, blamed his pet catfish named Ted.

EACH JULY UPON THE FIRST

Each July upon the first, 
That's when the fireworks begin to burst,
It's just three days away,
From the official firework's display,
And, early booms are definitely the worst.

A RATTLESNAKE WAS ON MY DECK

A rattlesnake was on my deck,
It was really hotter than heck,
He asked me for a beer,
I said I had none here,
He bit me now I am a wreck.

MY MEDS, FEDS AND PRISON BEDS LIMERICK

I forgot to take my meds,
When I made my taxes out for the feds,
Then, the feds got real mean,
Said my statement's unclean,
Now, in prison I'll be making my beds.

A MUSHROOM GAVE ME A "WANTS MORE" ATTACK

I found a mushroom near my shack,
It was growing juicy and black,
It tasted great,
That sealed my fate,
To suffer a "Wants More" attack.

KAREN THE POPLAR TREE

There was a poplar tree named Karen,
For her looks it was not worth starin',
When the lumberjack came round,
Karen was cut right down,
As firewood Karen is flarin'.

THE DANCE FOR ROMANCE LIMERICK

To find someone to share romance,
Bently liked to do a dance,
He did a polka-twist,
With bent Egyptian wrists,
And, finished off with a rooster prance.

I had a robot I named Wizard,
He was a sentient, eight foot long lizard,
He had a big boil,
Which burst to leak oil,
Which sprayed from his robotic gizzard.

A BROKEN WRISTA FOR A VIEW OF A VISTA

I went out on a ledge to view a beautiful vista,
Then, got shoved off the ledge by my meanie sista,
Well, downward I fell,
Got klonked in the bell,
And, broke my leg, my back and, my wrista.

THE FORTUNE COOKIE BLUES

I have the fortune cookie blues,
Because my cookie gave me bad news,
At my upcoming weddin'
There will be Armageddon,
When my in-laws drink too much booze.

6815
 

HAZEL THE POLITE COW

Hazel was a very polite cow,
She would courtesy if the bull would bow,
She would always moo “Hi!”
When strangers walked by,
She was nice in the here and the now.

I'M GLAD MAY IS OVER

Well, I can't lament the month of May,
I'm just glad the month has gone away,
The kids both got sick,
My wife left me for some chick,
And, my boss gave me a big cut in pay.

TODAY IS MEMORIAL DAY

Today is Memorial Day,

So, let's remember those left in the past,

And, thank them in our quiet thoughts,

For legacies they built to last.

MY KITTY HAD A SQUEAKY TOY

My kitty had a squeaky toy,
Shaped like a mouse it brought great joy,
On the morn of each day,
Squeaky mouse got such play,
By afternoon it would really annoy.

THE COMPUTER SCREEN HAIKU

Computer screen bright,
Eyes dry,red,hard to read screen,
Read screen,now nap time.