MY BEST DATE LIMERICK

I like going to restaurants and dining alone,
That sets up the evening for a positive tone,
I spend half the money,
I think my jokes are all funny,
And don't waste time the next day on the phone.

I FOUND ME NO ICE

I went out ice fishing but, found me no ice,

I had a brisk swim and, I guess that was nice,

I dove deep for my gear,

I guess it's all here,

Next time I ice fish I'll think twice.

SCHNAPPS: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

Having a glass of schnapps for breakfast is a bad idea,

All it does is muddle the brain and gives one diarrhea,

But, how to stand everyday,

When gloom and doom be they,

And, the only friend I have at home is my pet named Chia.

DINNER FROM A BOTTLE

I picked up some bottles to get something to eat,

I was hoping to get maybe some meat for a treat,

But, I didn't get much coin,

Settled for animal groin,

Next time, I hope to afford the feet.

THE END OF ALL THINGS

I see a little bird fluttering it's wings,

It lands upon a branch and then, it sings and sings,

Happy is the bird this day,

Unknown, it's future that's on the way,

Unseen, the hawk that nears and nears, will bring the end to things.

RAINBOW OVER THE GARDEN SHED

Just outback of the old homestead,                 

A rainbow flew over my garden shed,

It didn't last long,

But, I wrote it a song,

That rattles round and round in my head.

NO ROOM FOR THE POOL TABLE

I put a pool table in my bedroom but, it did not fit,

I moved the pool table to the bathroom but, then no one could sit,

My pool table didn't fit the den,

So, I had to move it once again,

I called the local haulers now, it's in the garbage pit.

A GARDEN WEED IN A SNOW STORM

On my poor little trailer it snowed and it snowed,
Until the roof caved in and the walls outward bowed,
Of course, the lights went out,
Rescue was really in doubt,
So, like a garden weed I knew I was hoed.

THE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

Back to school is always rough,

It sounds easy on paper but, that's just fluff,

Buying cloths, kits and shoes,

Texting for wardrobe reviews,

By day one you've had enough.

TAXES AND GRIEVING

I paid in lots of income taxes but, none of it I will retrieve,

I hoped that maybe this time I would get a just reprieve,

But, instead I'll have to pay,

Or, all my stuff they'll take away,

And, if all my stuff they take away, in that future I will grieve.

THE ODD SCHOOL EDUCATION

I went to the odd school,

No desk or chair, we had a stool,

We never learned about sums,

Were taught reading was for bums,

The kids did nothing but, picked nose and drool.

REQUIEM FOR THE ORANGE

There once was a big old, orange critter,

He lost all his friends and became bitter,

He got thrown out of his house

With his kids and his spouse,

And, had his privileges cancelled by Twitter.

I WON'T UPSET THE PET BY WHAT I EAT

For my little goldfishy's sake,

I forgo eating all tuna stake,

He's comforted to see,

No fish ate by me,

He can't see the salmon in my bake.

THE DINER SERVED ME AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT

At the diner I ordered a turkey wing,

But, instead I got this UO thing,

It had beady eyes,

Was nibbling on my fries,

He said he was an alien on earth slumming.  

 

 *UO=Unidentified Object

THE PORTION WAS SO SMALL

I went to a restaurant and ordered fish for my suppy,

I paid $45.00. and they served me a guppy,

The fish portion was so small,

I gave the waiter a call,

He then, offered me an extra hush puppy.

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR

Donny thought he was smarter than the average bear,

He broke into cabins and did not care,

Then, he found a loaded gun

Played with it just for fun,

Now, Donny is no longer here nor there.

THIS PIRATE NEEDS A TOILET

I am a jolly pirate but, I've never put to sea,🌬⛵⚓💀

I like life onboard a pirate ship but, there is no place to pee,🚻🚽💩

So, I stay on the shore,🌉

Wave bye bye to the pirate corp,🗡🔪

I hope one day there'll be toilets then, it's a pirates life for me.🏝🗺🍍🐳🦀

DONNY LIKED TO DO THE TREASON

Donny liked to do the treason,

To stay in power was his reason,

He used his foul moods,

To excite stupid dudes,

Who think pale skin is in season.

GREEN PICKLE SLUSHIE

I found some pickles lying out in the snow,

They were dark colored and frozen so, I took them to go,

When the pickles thawed, they were mushy,

So, I made pickle slushie,

Boy, having my stomach pumped cost me some doe.

Pardon My Finch

I have a little finch that really roars,

It's flatulent wind blows open oak doors,

And, my finch does not care,

That it pollutes everyone's air,

The smell gives me nose bleeding sores.

DONNY THE GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THE SEA

I had a goldfish named Donny T.

He was as belligerent as he could be,

So, I replaced Donny with Joe,

And, where did Donny go?

He swims in the toilet in the dark yellow sea.

A HOLE, A DUMP AND A VOWEL

A weasel, a skunk and a vowel,
All lived in the very same hole,
Then, along came a bear,
Who sat down on their lair,
And, took a dump and the hole space he stole.

POWDERED CHICKEN NUGGETS

I ate some chicken powdered nuggets,

They were frightful I must say,

In fact, I don't see why such a recipie,

Was ever shown the light of day,

I bought them at a deep-fat fried store,

They were so cheap I had to buy more and more,

But, there is one thing that gives my taste buds some peace,

The nuggets aren't bad heavily salted and dripping with grease.

THE DAY OF SEDITION

I went into the parlor to listen to some Bach,

I then ordered dinner when, I noticed the tic-tok,

The TV talked sedition,

As I consumed my noon nutrition,

After I was done eating, I went online and sold my stock.

NEW MOON ON FIRST OF JUNE WARNING

Never start the month of June,
When you start with a new moon,
Change the calander right away,
You had best move the day,
Or bad things will happen real soon.

SOMEONE WAS MAKING LOVE IN MY OUTHOUSE

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

Don't know who it was cause I wasn't there,

Could of been a weasle, could have been a skunk,

Then again, it could of been a bear,

Someone was making love in my outhouse,

I know cause the gossip's all around,

Don't know who just started all the rumors,

Got a hunch it might be that old bluetick hound,

Guess I'll have to ask my next door neighbor,

Maybe I'll ask my darling wifey too,

They're always out fixing up the outhouse,

I guess their painting the interior blue.

ZOMBIES COMING

When I saw the zombies coming,

Then, my heart began drumming,

There were so many I quit summing,

And, all I heard was corpses humming,

I knew it was a zombie day,

Most days are in the month of May,

I led the zombies into a pool of clay,

They got stuck so, that's where they'll stay,

I wouldn't be surprised come June,

If the zombies died out by the first full moon,

The full moon in June can't come too soon,

Then, I'll write a zombie poem and zombie tune.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOBERS GONE?

Where have all the peanuts gone?

There's none to shuck when the night bleeds dawn,

There are none in a jar,

Or, under the seats of my car,

Did someone trade raising goobers for green lawn?

My Pandemic Struggles

The pandemic took me from riches to rags

I was cran-coloring pictures on crayon colored on bags,

And, my love ran off with some bloke,

Took my hard candy and Coke,

Now, I'm just tweeting all day with hashtags. 

HEALTHY EATS

Better eat your spinach and better eat your peas,

So, you don't come down with a pandemic disease,

Better eat your eggs and cheese,

So, you don't puke and wheeze,

But, eating beans makes a stinky breeze.

UNCLE RUSSEL HAD A CAT

Uncle Russel had a cat,
The cat ate oatmeal from a hat,
The cat liked to share,
With his best friend Bear,
And, Bear was just a sewer rat.

DECISION REGARDING STUCK

In my driveway of ice and clay,

My little car got stuck today,🚙

I have no road service so, there it stay,

At least until the month of May,

That's when the ice will melt away,

And, the ground firms and tires obey,

Backup, go forward, either is o.k.,🔄

But, I don't like the long delay,

I might want to travel, who can say?

I've decided right now, out of pocket I'll pay.💰💰💰💰💰

I LOST MY ELECTION LIMERICK

I lost my election to be mayor of the vill,

If I hadn't voted my vote total would be nill,

Now, I've known my family all my life,

But, they back-stabbed me like my wife, 

I think they voted for my opponent for the thrill.

THE SPOOKY UNIVERSE AND ME

I knew a physics professor a long time ago,

He stuck an idea in my head that has started to glow,

He said the universe acted all spooky,

So, I thought then, he was kooky,

But, at a distance I observed now, I know.

THE BAD BEES

I am the killer of many bad bees,

When they bite on the backside of my knobby knees,

They rip flesh by the inch,

So, I give them a pinch,

And, they bite harder as I give them a squeeze.

 

DONNY RUE

You would think that Donny would forever rue,

Everything that he did, done, do,

But, his universe is alt,

He gives others the fault,

So, to bring reality to Donny, you sue.

MY PLACE IN THE CHICKEN WORLD

I built my chickens a chicken koop,

It was a place to eat, a place to poop,

And, beneath their legs,

They'd lay those eggs,

My reward for the chicken life loop.

JANUARY TWO: SNOWMOBILE

It's January Two and the sun ain't yet shinning,

I fed some peanuts to the squirrels so, the squirrels are all dining,

Now, I'll race from shore to shore,

And, for my snowmobile encore,

I'll keep racing on the lake till, the ice sheet starts declining.

IT'S JANUARY AND I AM A BEAR LIMERICK

It is now January "09",
The full moon looks like blood wine,
I really don't care,
Because I am a bear,
I going to sleep and feeling just fine.

NEW YEARS EVE LIMERICK

On New Year's Eve we all love to go out,

We drink and eat with gusto and shout,

At midnight we chug the mug,

Give our loved one a hug,

And, make promises we won't keep, no doubt.

MAKE A BAD YEAR SHORTER

It was awful I couldn't wait for 2020 to end,

I hoped that out of mercy the time rulers would bend,

And make the year shorter,

Maybe by one half or a quarter,

But, all 365 days were drawn out to their end.

THE WHAT I DON'T KNOW LIMERICK

I don't know a pair of ducks from a paradox,

I can't tell a pair of dogs from a couple of fox,

But, one thing is clear,

If you spill one drop of my beer,

Then, I'll mess you up like I'm a bubonic pox.

MY DAD'S TALE

My dad was born with a prehensile tail,

He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail,

But, he was attacked by some bees,

Who pollinated the trees,

And boy did dad let out a big wail. 

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

SALMON AND LEMONADE

Vonnie made some lemonade,

To go with Charlie's salmon,

And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade,

But, Charlie's salmon was not mammon,

The salmon flavor was just not plain strong,

It had a flavor that was just plain wrong,

And, the fish was covered with a white fuzzy,

Even the flies wouldn't give it a buzzy,

Now, although lemonade and salmon was the dinner proposal,

The main course ended up down the garbage disposal,

So, to go with the lemonade what was there to eat?

Well, a basket of tater tots became the main treat.

MAKE PEACE WITH THE FAT, DOC

Eat much smaller portions and the fat will melt away,

That is what my doctor said and it's what mommy use to  say,

But, I like to mega eat and social dine,

And, a full belly makes a sad world fine,

So, my doc should just make peace with that cause, the fat is here to stay.

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SO SERIOUS

On Facebook I was trolled and trolled all Christmas day,

So, I cancelled my account to Twitter parley,

On Twitter I got a restricted account,

I guess I was sassy to an excessive amount,

I then went to Parlor and was banned right away.

I AIN'T A GOOD GIRL OR GOOD BOY

It's the day after Christmas and I've broken all my toys,

I guess I ain't one of those good girls or good boys,

So, I took my gift called a sweater,

And, made it much better,

I made a bag I filled with Almond Joys.

THE CHRISTMAS BEAR

Over there I saw the Christmas Bear,
He roared and gave me quite a scare,
I petted his head,
He knocked me down dead,
Petting the Christmas bear was an error.

HOW CHRISTMAS CAROLS COME TO BE

When the sky is cold and gray,
And summer seems so far away,
Snowflakes twinkle, a light display,
Then the mind begins to play,

Imagining a childhood tune,
Back in days that passed too soon,
Mother hummed it on christmas day,
While she set the table with display,

Soon some others would chime in,
Adding words with a Christmas spin,
Aunts and uncles and other kin,
Let their hearts speak out from deep within,

The house broke out with joyous song
And all the people sang along,
My sister pounded the piano keys,
New versus arrived with incredible ease,

Finally, the singing had to cease,
As we sat down for our meal of peace,
The food was really grand to eat,
But, being with loved ones is hard to beat,

The mind remembers the joyous past,
Those are the moments we want to last,
Such inspiration came to me,
How Christmas carols come to be.

CHRISTMAS DAY LIMERICK

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day,
Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play,
After dinner and more,
Sleep with a loud snore,
And dream of summer fun on the bay.

BENNY THE ELF

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick,
After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick,
Rick lived in Atlanta,
A long ways from dear Santa,
In a week Benny was feeling homesick.

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 

THE POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Politicians must start thinking with clarity,
The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings,
Who, managed their people with austerity,
While, taking away all of  their things.

TIME TRAVEL CAN HURT

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years,

When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my childhood tears,

The pain was not just from falling,

But, the taunting voices calling,

Then, when I broke some bones the taunts roared into blissful cheers.

SANTA HAD AN EVIL BUSINESSMAN'S ID

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers,
If he felt that they were elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

BITERS MAKE ME HIDE

Upon my pond glide scary riders,

Many call them water spiders,

So, in my pond I won't sit,

Too afraid to be bit,

Instead, I'll go back up the beach with the hiders.

THE WATER PIPE AND BRAIN SAUSAGE

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree, 

My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me,

I destroyed my mind and my good soul,

Smoking a water pipe of charcoal,

I can no longer control the timing when I wee.

MY ONLINE CHRISTMAS DECLINE

I bought all of my Christmas online,

Even the dinner and wine,

The dinner arrived cold,

The wine cork taste was bold,

I'm now the host with host skills in decline.

ONE FOOT DONNY GOES TO RUSSIA

Donny played no golfing game, 

His missing foot was to blame,

Donny thought his foot was stolen,

When he misplaced it up his colon,

Although Donny had TV fame,

His colon fetish made him lame,

For fame in Russia he did aim,

Soon, they'll regret the day he came.