I LOST MY JOB ETC. LIMERICK

I lost my job, my car and, my home,
I'm kind of stuck with no where to roam,
I've moved in with my parents,
I'm here with forbearance,
I can't drink the stuff with the foam.

WITH NO SPINNER I'LL HAVE NO FISH FOR DINNER

I did not catch no fish for dinner,

For in the weeds I lost my spinner,

And, spinners bring joy,

To each fish girl and fish boy,

So, with no spinner I'm no winner.

THE LEANEST CHICKEN SANDWICH IS NOT AS GOOD AS BEAN

I ate a chicken sandwich guaranteed to be lean,

But, there wasn't any chicken for the sandwich bun was clean, 

And, I was in a daze,

Because, there was no mayonnaise,

So, next time I want some protein I'll order a sandwich made from bean. 

DOWN CAME THE OLD WHITE PINE LIMERICK

Down came the old white pine,

After a lightning bolt broke its spine,

Now, I'll use the branches and splinters,

For hearth fires in future winters,

And, leave the needles so the critters to dine.

I JUST MADE THIS TWEET

I just made this tweet,

I just made this twitter,

I commented on someone's poor hygiene,

Then, their response was bitter.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED OUT OF TUNE

A band played way out of tune,
They played from midnight until noon,
And, they could not keep a beat,
Even tapping their feet,
I wish they would quit really soon.

DRIVER'S EYE EXAM HAIKU

Driver’s exam, eyes,
Letters, blur, blur, gone, can't see,
No see, no drive, Failed!

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

IT'S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win,
I'm being visited by a houseful of kin,
They devoured all my steaks,
Leaving me to eat just pancakes,
And, they drank all of my beer, wine, bourbon and gin.

NO PAY NO STAY

Your rent you must always pay,
If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away,
Like my parents would always say,
“Remember son, no pay no stay.”

JASON WAS THE LIMERICK KING

Jason was the limerick king,
He could rhyme about anything,
He was good with the rhyme,
But his time was a crime,
So he never had any bling.

JASON TRIED TO WRITE MUSIC VERSE

Jason tried to write music verse,
But, each revision sounded worse,
His love unrequited,
Got no one excited,
He became a registered nurse.

62517

HAROLD THE THESPIAN

Harold was a thespian,
He wrote the thespian news,
In order to right something that sounded good,
Harold really hit the hard booze,

So many actors were really bad,
Harold could not hide his humor,
They gave so much that it was sad,
That their acting was a cancer tumor,

Their timing was way off,
Their sincerity was not true,
They sounded best when someone would cough,
They were terrible and all but, they knew.

LIONS NEED ME

Woods, full of lions,
Stalking, drooling, pining me,
Feelings, needed, me.

THE YELLOWED COWBOY HAT OF TEXAS

I decided to go to the Western Bar,
I walked because it was not too far,
My white cowboy hat had yellowed,
So, passersby bellowed,
My western look wasn't quite par.

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because, of hot apps downloaded in May.

HEADLESS BODIES AND SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

In Grand Traverse Bay there are sharks who will bite,
So, onto your arms and your legs hold on tight,
And, best guard your head,
If sharks eat that you're dead,
And, headless bodies fill tourists with fright.

I GOT A CRICKET

I got a cricket beneath my old bed,
I got it's chirping in my throbbing head,
So, I took a look,
To smack him with a book,
Out the window the cricket done fled.

HOLIDAY CRISIS

Everyone has left town for a holiday bash,

It's off to the lake for a tan and a splash,

And, the prices I'm told,

Reflect a weekend oversold,

So, there's a crisis of credit and cash,

I STEADIED MY JIG TO EAT FISH LIKE A PIG

I went fishing out on the waves so big,

I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig,

And, did I hook a whopper,

A real surface flopper,

Then, that night I ate fish like a pig.

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

POISED TO BE A WINNER

I am poised to be a winner if, no one else shows up,

I will run the mighty hometown dash and take home the winner's cup,

For although I know I'm slow,

If no one else shows up at go,

I will be attended by my fans tonight at the local brew and sup.

MY SPACESHIP DIDN'T MAKE AND NEITHER DID I

My spaceship didn't get into outer space,

Instead, it crashed upon it's face,

I would have cried,

But, of course I died,

In the angel's choir I sing base.

THE TENOR PIG THAT MADE IT BIG

I gave my pig a real fair choice,
Become a ham or use his voice,
His tenor voice was brilliant,
Really opera resilient,
Now, his ride is a custom Rolls Royce. 

MY SALMON FISHING DAY

Salmon fishing, cold,
Leaky waders, wet socks, POW!!!
Run over, boat, OUCH!!!

GREGG USED A PENCIL TO CLEAN OUT HIS NOSE

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose,
It was a poor choice and caused him great woes,
Though he used the eraser end,
It got stuck in the nose bend,
His humiliation just grows and grows.

 

SPACE MONKEY JUSTICE

A space monkey landed on my old car,
He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar,
He barred his mean teeth,
He bit my little brother named Keith,
So, the space monkey got town justice with feathers and tar.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.

THE JOHN VIEN TOOTHPICK LEGEND

Old John Vien cut the timber down,

On his eighty acres,

He floated the logs down the stream,

To find some timber takers,

John Vien hopped among the logs,

With a stick to clear logs that cram,

All went well until the water stopped,

At a beaver's big log jam,

Now, John Vien's timber float,

Was ending as the logs crammed tight,

But, John Vien had on his river boat,

A load of dynamite,

The dynamite blew up the dam real good,

But, the logs were now splinters in the air,

That's how John Vien started his toothpick business,

And became a millionaire.

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.

I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

I HIBERNATE BUT I'D RATHER HEAD SOUTH

As Mr. Winter opened his mouth,
Many tweeters flew to the South,
But, when I felt the cold air,
I was a hibernating bear,
Still, I envy critters that are heading douth.

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

2017 ON THE NEGATIVE HAIKU

New Year's Day, Big Deal,

Horizon Bleak, Sunshine Rare,

Year Of The Bed Bug!

MY COMPUTER SCREEN PROBLEM

 My computer screen obscured my view,
Through the window in the door,
I moved my computer screen so my view was true,
Then, my screen crashed upon the floor.

DON'T BLOG BAD FACTS ABOUT SANTA

There were some bloggers on the net,

Who found some facts that many regret,

Regarding a violent Santa Claus,

Who got divorced for just cause,

Now, all Santa's fans are upset. 

MY CRANBERRY WINE HAS GONE BAD

My cranberry wine has gone bad,
It was never too good but it had...
A pungent aroma,
And, it could deliver a coma,
Overall, it wasn't too bad.

THE MAILMAN AND MY BIRTHDAY MONEY

My grandma said my birthday money was sent directly in the mail,
But, the mailman confessed to stealing it now, he's locked up in the jail,
But, without grandma's money,
My birthday's not sunny,
And, I have no Xbox to play after this tale.

THE ICE FESTIVAL DID NOT GO WELL

The "Ice Festival" did not go well this year,
I fell through the ice and spilled a whole pint of beer,
The water was ice cold,
And, I'm just getting too old,
I'd prefer "Summerfest" 12 months of the year.

YETTI SPAGHETTI MEATBALLS: A MICHIGAN RECEIPE

Danny Dill was a real restaurateur,
He had found an angle; a meat lover’s lure,
Danny Dill hunted the Michigan Yetti,
Then, made Yetti meatballs for his spaghetti,
To Yetti clans Danny Dill was a Cur.

I WAS WATCHING THE NORTHERN STAR

I was watching the northern star,
Unfortunately, I was driving my car,
I hit some black ice,
My car spun round thrice,
I ended up in the same lane at par.

IT'S THE TIME OF THE YEAR...

It's the time of the year when Santa goes "Ho,Ho",
It's also the time when my snow-blower won't blow,
I'm stuck in the house,
With the kids, dog and, spouse,
I'm just hoping that Santa will show.

THE WALNUT SILLY RHYME

My eyes grew tired,
My eyes went shut,
My shell was cracked,
I am a walnut,

I have no eyes,
At least none to see,
I'm a tasty treat,
Oh, woe is me.

BIG BUCK DEER HUNTING-HAIKU

Big buck deer hunting,
Cold, wet, slimy stumps, nose runs,
No see, no shoot, DRAT!

AN ELECTION OR TRICK OR TREAT

An election is like questioning Trick or Treat,

Maybe none of the candy is fit to eat,

And, no matter which kind you pick,

Chances are you'll get sick,

Fancy wrappers are covered with deceit. 

FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE ALL IN THE TANK

Financial markets are all in the tank,
We have all those fraudsters to thank,
Of course, I'm not too bold,
I sold off and bought gold,
And, burned through all my cash in the bank.

MY FISH WENT FLYING

I put my fish up for sale,
While it was still flopping around in the pail,
But, I didn't get a buyer,
Just one very high flyer,
An eagle stole my fish by the tail,

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Fly Biter was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

MY ROSES WERE NOT SO TOUGH

Although they survived the summer covered with blight,
I'm afraid all my roses got frozen last night,
I was so sure they were tough,
And, would survive the weather when rough,
 But, my roses gave up to the cold with no fight.

THE LIMERICK OF THE NASTY TWEETER

When Ron reads tweets about him he gets really mad,
Because, the tweeters who tweet about him tweet him really bad,
But, Ron tweets tweets all the day,
And, has nasty things to say,
If Ron would stop tweeting so much I'd be glad.

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

DRIED BLUEGILL FONDUE

I caught some fish with gills of blue,
I dried and dipped them in fondue,
But, they caused many moans,
Because they were full of bones,
And, their insides were all goo.

THE MUFFLER (FROM RUST TO DUST)

While in my car I heard the worst darn sound,
When my muffler fell and hit the ground,
My muffler had melted to rust,
And, was now mostly just dust,
At least that's all that I found.

GETTING A CLEAR TV SIGNAL

My cable picture is pixeled,

My dish picture's all haze,                

My antennae big booster,          

Boosted my TV with a blaze,

Now, after all of my trouble,

My house lies out in burnt rubble,

It’s a reality show that my neighbors may gaze.

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because, of hot apps downloaded in May.

WHAT'S UNDER THE DOCK?

I went to pull in my boat dock,
I didn't need it cause my boat was in hock,
But, upon wading into the water,
My right foot grew painfully hotter,
For a shark had bit my foot off and sock.

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or, when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.