PAM SAW A PIZZA FACE DOWN IN THE STREET-Limerick

Pam saw a pizza face down in the street,
She figured the Pizza was still good to eat,
She didn't mind the bugs,
Or, slimy old slugs,
She got so sick she couldn't stand on her feet.

PICKERS FOUND THE LEPRECHAUN'S GOLD

The poor little Leprechaun was feeling real bad,
For he lost all of his gold and that was so sad,
Then, while watching the antique show Pickers,
He soiled his knickers,
For his gold was the best pick that they had.

 
 
The poor antique show pickers are feeling real bad,
They found the Leprechaun's gold and he got real mad,
They got a pain-in-the-back curse,
And, what was even much worse,
The gold was not solid just clad. 

 

CHEERS TO GRANDMA FLOSSIE HELEN MURPHY ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

They came in ships from across the sea,
They joined into my family tree,
From County Cork on the Irish Isle,
They brought to America their Irish style,

And, every year I raise a glass,
To the Irish ghosts of kin I pass,
So, to Grandma Murphy I say cheers,
And, God willing I will for many years.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF MARCHING BAND

Because my trumpet made an awful tone,

I was forced to play the sousaphone,

Because I ate too much starch,

My body wouldn't march, 

Now I sit in the bleachers alone.

THE IDES OF MARCH: A TIME TO FEAR

The Ides Of March is a time to fear,
The warming weather skunks my beer,
The softening of the swampy land,
Prepares great traps of quickened sand,

I do not embrace the Ides as dear,
They come each month year after year,
And, on the Ides I am a sleeper,
Thus, I avoid dear Caesar's reaper.

WHAT TO DO ON THE IDES

What to to in March on the Ides?

Unlike Caesar, one runs and one hides,

But, some on this date,

Drink up and celebrate,

That is, if you're lucky at picking best sides.

HILDA BAKED A PIN CHERRY PIE

Hilda baked a pin cherry pie,
She forgot sugar and the tartness makes me cry,
And, if I eat more than one piece,
I fear I'll give up life's lease,
When, my face puckers so tight that I die.

10 AND/OR 8 AVENGED CASESAR

Caesar had a really bad day

He was a war hero but became a fillet,

For the Cleopatra affair,

Gave the Roman Senate a scare,

But, Augustus made the assassins all pay.

THE RETURN OF THE ROBIN RED BREAST

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying,

I was quite tempted and imagined him frying,

Alas, the better angels in me,

Said, "let the red-breasted be free,"

I was appalled, watching the little worms dying.

MOMMA AND I EAT PIE AND THE KIDS EAT BEANS

I feed my family pineapple with pork and beans,

It feeds the little ones through the teens,

But, momma and I,

We eat fruit pie,

So, we're a couple of fats while the kids are all leans.

031321

HOW'S DONNY DOING NOW?

Donny went swimming and got covered with scabs,

Then be foamed at the mouth because he also had rabs,

So, Donny was shoved in the car,

Driven to the ER,

And, was quarantined because of the crabs.

ANGELS HARKING

The dog next door is always barking,

The lark in the tree is always larking,

My parking brakes stay lit after parking,

My leaky marker is always marking,

Those harking angels won't stop harking,

All this sends my brain cells arching.

PHYLLIS HAD A PURPLE PONEY

My wife Phyllis had a purple pony,
It ate and ate all day,
It gave affections that were phony,
When She gave a cooing bray,

I did not like the purple pony,
I did not like her at all,
It ate well while we ate baloney,
And, it kicked down our best stall,

It cost so much to keep the purple pony beast,
We had no money on which to live,
We lived with famine while the monster had feast,
There was no more that I could give,

So, we mortgaged up the farm,
And, spent every cent we could earn,
Just to feed that awful pony,
She ate like we had money to burn,

Finally, I had had enough,
And left my wife and her purple mare,
I had lost my farm and all my stuff,
And, that purple pony did not care.

FREE TEA WARNING

John liked to turn plants in his yard into tea,

Unfortunately, one plant was poison ivy,

John's eyeballs swelled tight,

His skin was all blight,

His core temperature reached one hundred and three.

MY SNOWMAN GOT BURNT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

I know it's kind of a terrible thing,

But, I burnt my snowman on the first day of spring,

Our relationship is over,

Until, November or October,

I did recover our friendship gold bling. 

MY WARDROBE WAS A ROYAL CRIME

Wearing royal colors got me into court,

I was told my body would soon be a head short,

I got down on my knees,

But, despite all my pleas,

My head became a kicking ball sport.

MY INTERVIEW WITH A PRINCE

I wanted to interview a queen,

But, she said my rag mag was too mean,

But, a prince gave me time

And, confessed to a crime,

That I couldn't repeat without being obscene.

THE LION EATS TONIGHT

The lion eats tonight,

Because the path in the jungle was tight,

I got caught between trees,

Which gave the lion jollies, 

He laughed as he took his first bite.

Beware Michigan Winters

Michigan winters can't be taken with ease,

If you decide for a nap, you've decided to freeze

When winds blow down from aloft,

Internal organs won't stay soft,

And, there's no escape with arthritic knees.

MY LITTLE DOG LEE

I had a feisty Pomeranian named Little Dog Lee,

He would bite down on my pant cuffs and not let them be,

But, when I offered him bacon,

His real desire would awaken,

After that he'd let my pant cuffs hang free.

WINTER SETTLES IN

Winter months have settled in,

Subzero temps make my blue skin,

I know good folk would say I sin,

I warm myself with homemade gin,

The methanol gives me death's grin,

I now rest with the demons, mostly kin.

LEADFOOT PENNY GOT CAUGHT

Penny traveled down the road too fast,
And, became a part of the criminal caste,
So, she got a big fine,
But, Penny didn't whine,
For she violated many times in the past.

CANNED CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP WITH NO CHICKEN IN IT MAKE PEOPLE SICK?

There are many noodles in my chicken noodle soup,

But, I see not a piece of chicken in any soup scoop,

Yet, I hear soup gurgles in soup filled bellies,

Fellow soup eaters have tainted soup belly yellies,

I fear a cumming bathroom blitz with this troop.   

   

ODE TO MY WOODEN SHOES

When I'm hungry I can always chew,

On my left or right wooden shoe,

When things get really tense,

I have a club for defense,

My shoes get attention from more than a few.

GRANDPA PONG BONG

I went to the Care Home to bring Grandad his bong,👴

He insisted I stay and play a few games of Pong,📺

Gramps was a champ at that game,🏆

Got a trophy, methinks "lame,"🙄

You'd think he'd move on to Space Invaders or Kong.👽🐵

SPACE LASER 2021

QANON built a laser in space, 

They built it at a record pace,

They're space laser wasn't first,

But, it was the worst,

It's recoil smacked the moon in the face.

THE ICE SHANTY

An ice shanty sat out on the lake,
Where fishermen fish for perch and splake,
The winter winds stopped,
The ice shanty dropped,
Now it's a home for the fish to take.

I CHANGED MY BUSINESS PARTNERS

I decided to change out my business chums,
Because, I couldn't understand their sums,
But, how you choose,
Is why you loose,
I thank goodness for the charity of mums.

WHAT BECAME OF MY SAUSAGE LINKS

I made bean and pepper pork sausage links,

But, my brother-in-laws were both nasty finks,

They ate ten sausages apiece,

Then passed gas like two geese,

And, said that my sausage just stinks.

 

JIMMY LIKED TO EAT HIS PASTRY

Jimmy liked to eat his pastry,
Once he ate it way too hasty,
He got a belly ache,
And gaseous outtake,
The burps were not all that tasty.

MY CAR IS RUSTY OR PIXIE-DUSTY

My car is sprinkled all with rust,
But, the kids all call it pixie-dust,
Well, the engine is magic,
If magic is tragic,
And, getting somewhere not a must.

THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

POOR NICK THE NEEDY GOT PEACE FROM THE GREEDY

Nick needed a minimum wage increase,

But, a Senate vote made Nick's hope suddenly cease,

Nick wanted to eat,

And, get a room with some heat,

At least the cold winter wind brought him peace.

I'M THE BOTTOM TO TEACHER'S CURVE

I am proud that teach says I always pull the low score,

Well, he grades on a curve so I sacrifice for the more,

When teacher's trick questions unnerve,

I collapse downward his curve,

Of course, many years I have crossed teacher's door.

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,

They wanted to borrow a car,

They were tossed on a plate,

By a lumberjack mate,

Then, bathed with syrup from a fresh opened jar.

NO LILLIES, NO LILLIES, JUST SNOW

No lillies, no lillies, just snow,

It seems only the snow banks can grow,

Will it ever be spring,

Or, just this winter hell thing,

I'm yearning for a thick lawn to mow.

BEES MADE ME AN ANGEL ( IN HELL)

I think I have greatly come to hate,😡

That my stars foretell a miserable fate,😳

I'll be bitten until made dead from alive,💀

By a million bees from a hive,😧

Then, it's the big lava lamp behind Hell's gate.😈🌋

FEELING FORTUNATE

Fortunes are many but, my coins are few,
I made some investment but, they were pee-ew,
But, through financial decline,
I still can make and drink wine,
Then, I can few fortunate too.

TUCKER THE ANGEL SAT IN THE APPLE TREE LIMERICK

Tucker the angel sat in the  apple tree,
He made music playing his ukulele,
He bumped an apple that fell,
Eve saw free food and thought swell,
Eve shared with Adam the fruit but, it wasn't free.

MORAL:  THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES, NOTHING IS FREE

WHEN THE WINDY WIND BLEW MY CHECKERS AWAY

I grabbed my checkerboard to play checkers with my friends down by the bay,

Then, while playing a windy wind blew up and tossed my checkers all away,

So, what did I do,

When the windy wind blew,

I went home for I had no reason to stay.

THE TWISTING TURTLE

There's a snapping turtle who does the twist,

He stands on hind legs while each front leg makes a fist,

One of those swerving long-neckers, 

Making moves like Chubby Checkers,

All night long til the sun cuts the mist.

I ONCE BECAME SO PARANOID

I once became so paranoid,
That I stopped eating glue,
Because I thought it might contain,
A horse or two I knew,

I once became so paranoid,
I thought my goldfish might attack,
I was so afraid I wouldn't clean his jar,
And, found him lying on his back,    

I once became so paranoid,
I thought the sun would rise no more,
So, I bought ten thousand light bulbs,
And, cleaned out the light bulb store.

DONNY OF THE DIAPER, COMPLAINS

Donny likes to cruelly criticize,

Yet, hates reports of his small hand size,

Donny is chief amongst grippers,

While sitting in squishy diapers,

Blaming others for his showbiz demise.

MATH STINKS LIMERICK

Billy liked to play with math,
So much so he missed his bath,
And, although he did stink,
He did calc in a blink,
I'm jealous of his career path.  

ANOTHER WINTER WORK DAY (OR NOT)

I got up this morning and my coffee was cold,

My glazed doughnuts were glazed over with green mold,

My truck was froze and the battery dead,

So, I gave up and went back to bed,

Another winter work day put on hold.

SHORT ORDER COOK LIMERICK

The only job that I could book,

Was working part time as a short order cook,

Now, my burgers were crunchy,

My fries dry and bunchy,

But, my food's fine if you try not to look.

 

MY LITTLE GARBAGE PALS

All my little mice had nothing to eat,

After I took the garbage out to the street,

Then, all the mice disappeared,

And, my eyes got all teared,

I miss how the mice would lick on my feet.

THE MAHJONG EXCITEMENT LIMERICK

I went online to play to play a game of Mahjong,
The game was so exciting that I bit into my tongue,
Then I lost, what a disgrace,
And, out the side of my face,
My poor throbbing tongue sadly hung.

LOST LOVE

Within the shadow on the wall there were two eyes of blue,

No shadow I have ever dreamed had two eyes but, you,

So awkward, we look into the past,

And, remember love that did not last,

Knowing in our final dream that our lost love, we rue.

EDGAR IS MY VALENTINE

It was February 13 and I had a valentine to find,

So, I tried to be witty; I tried being kind,

I gave away money,

But, no one would be my honey,

So, it was with my cat Edgar I dined.

THE ROOSTER ON THE MENU, NOT

The eagles raided my hen house and they raided it really bad,

They took all my hens away and I was oh, so sad,

Then, I had a morale booster,

For along came the rooster,

His meat was tough, he got rejected, I'm glad.

I ESCAPED THE FACE ROCK

While I was tripping around in deep space,

I found a rock that had a humanoid face,

The face chomped down on my port side,

I could have easily died,

But, I got away with a spray of space mace.

MAYO MADE ME MAD

There's bacteria in my refrigerator,

There's bacteria on my floor,

There's bacteria on my doorknob,

So, I don't go out the door,

I keep no food in my refrigerator,

Nor, walk anywhere in my place,

I just hop around on the furniture,

And, eat bugs to fill my face,

Now, some would claim I'm insane,

And doctors, it's everyone,

But, I once suffered great bacterial pain,

From mayo I let sit out in the sun.

   

THE TURTLE IN MY BASEMENT

I saw a giant turtle crawling across the snow,

I knew that he would freeze to death,

Because, there were only snowy places to go,

I asked him inside to sit with me,

I gave him a cookie and some chamomile tea,

The tea made him talkative and he said his name was Lee,

He told me a squirrel had dug open his hole,

He couldn't reheat it because he ran out of coal,

So, I let him stay in the basement and in the spring he could stroll.

A SNOW DAY IN MICHIGAN

The cold blowing air puts an ache in all my teeth,

If my frostbite lasts much longer, I'll earn an R.I.P. wreath,

The cold, howling winds sing a song,

I think a dirge; I hope I'm wrong,

Is my grave a snow drift that I'll soon be underneath?  

TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL OR NOT TO BE WATCHING FOOTBALL?

Should I go ice fishing or watch the great football game?
My team is not playing and that is so lame,
But, if it is ice fishing I choose?
If it's thin ice I lose,
Besides, football's exciting and what's in a name?

HUNGER HAIKU

Starve, Desperation,
Canned cheese, crackers, candy bar,
Filling, heartburn, sick.

JIMMY'S WINTER COOKOUT

Jimmy's winter cookout big time failed,

When his frightened guests hastily bailed,

You see, Jimmy lit a tire,

For his cookout fire,

And, across the yard the fire sailed.

FISHING ON ICE ISLAND

I went ice fishing one sunny spring day,
I walked out on the ice on the bay,
But, when I turned around,
I was deep water bound,
My ice island and I floated away.

I TRIPPED MY ROBOT NAMED SAM

My new robot's name is Sam,
He made me a breakfast with raw eggs and fried ham,
But, the silverware wasn't clean,
And, I became rather mean,
When, I tripped Sam and he fell over, bam!