I LOST MY ELECTION LIMERICK

I lost my election to be mayor of the vill,

If I hadn't voted my vote total would be nill,

Now, I've known my family all my life,

But, they back-stabbed me like my wife, 

I think they voted for my opponent for the thrill.

THE SPOOKY UNIVERSE AND ME

I knew a physics professor a long time ago,

He stuck an idea in my head that has started to glow,

He said the universe acted all spooky,

So, I thought then, he was kooky,

But, at a distance I observed now, I know.

THE BAD BEES

I am the killer of many bad bees,

When they bite on the backside of my knobby knees,

They rip flesh by the inch,

So, I give them a pinch,

And, they bite harder as I give them a squeeze.

 

DONNY RUE

You would think that Donny would forever rue,

Everything that he did, done, do,

But, his universe is alt,

He gives others the fault,

So, to bring reality to Donny, you sue.

MY PLACE IN THE CHICKEN WORLD

I built my chickens a chicken koop,

It was a place to eat, a place to poop,

And, beneath their legs,

They'd lay those eggs,

My reward for the chicken life loop.

JANUARY TWO: SNOWMOBILE

It's January Two and the sun ain't yet shinning,

I fed some peanuts to the squirrels so, the squirrels are all dining,

Now, I'll race from shore to shore,

And, for my snowmobile encore,

I'll keep racing on the lake till, the ice sheet starts declining.

IT'S JANUARY AND I AM A BEAR LIMERICK

It is now January "09",
The full moon looks like blood wine,
I really don't care,
Because I am a bear,
I going to sleep and feeling just fine.

NEW YEARS EVE LIMERICK

On New Year's Eve we all love to go out,

We drink and eat with gusto and shout,

At midnight we chug the mug,

Give our loved one a hug,

And, make promises we won't keep, no doubt.

MAKE A BAD YEAR SHORTER

It was awful I couldn't wait for 2020 to end,

I hoped that out of mercy the time rulers would bend,

And make the year shorter,

Maybe by one half or a quarter,

But, all 365 days were drawn out to their end.

THE WHAT I DON'T KNOW LIMERICK

I don't know a pair of ducks from a paradox,

I can't tell a pair of dogs from a couple of fox,

But, one thing is clear,

If you spill one drop of my beer,

Then, I'll mess you up like I'm a bubonic pox.

MY DAD'S TALE

My dad was born with a prehensile tail,

He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail,

But, he was attacked by some bees,

Who pollinated the trees,

And boy did dad let out a big wail. 

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

SALMON AND LEMONADE

Vonnie made some lemonade,

To go with Charlie's salmon,

And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade,

But, Charlie's salmon was not mammon,

The salmon flavor was just not plain strong,

It had a flavor that was just plain wrong,

And, the fish was covered with a white fuzzy,

Even the flies wouldn't give it a buzzy,

Now, although lemonade and salmon was the dinner proposal,

The main course ended up down the garbage disposal,

So, to go with the lemonade what was there to eat?

Well, a basket of tater tots became the main treat.

MAKE PEACE WITH THE FAT, DOC

Eat much smaller portions and the fat will melt away,

That is what my doctor said and it's what mommy use to  say,

But, I like to mega eat and social dine,

And, a full belly makes a sad world fine,

So, my doc should just make peace with that cause, the fat is here to stay.

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SO SERIOUS

On Facebook I was trolled and trolled all Christmas day,

So, I cancelled my account to Twitter parley,

On Twitter I got a restricted account,

I guess I was sassy to an excessive amount,

I then went to Parlor and was banned right away.

I AIN'T A GOOD GIRL OR GOOD BOY

It's the day after Christmas and I've broken all my toys,

I guess I ain't one of those good girls or good boys,

So, I took my gift called a sweater,

And, made it much better,

I made a bag I filled with Almond Joys.

THE CHRISTMAS BEAR

Over there I saw the Christmas Bear,
He roared and gave me quite a scare,
I petted his head,
He knocked me down dead,
Petting the Christmas bear was an error.

HOW CHRISTMAS CAROLS COME TO BE

When the sky is cold and gray,
And summer seems so far away,
Snowflakes twinkle, a light display,
Then the mind begins to play,

Imagining a childhood tune,
Back in days that passed too soon,
Mother hummed it on christmas day,
While she set the table with display,

Soon some others would chime in,
Adding words with a Christmas spin,
Aunts and uncles and other kin,
Let their hearts speak out from deep within,

The house broke out with joyous song
And all the people sang along,
My sister pounded the piano keys,
New versus arrived with incredible ease,

Finally, the singing had to cease,
As we sat down for our meal of peace,
The food was really grand to eat,
But, being with loved ones is hard to beat,

The mind remembers the joyous past,
Those are the moments we want to last,
Such inspiration came to me,
How Christmas carols come to be.

CHRISTMAS DAY LIMERICK

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day,
Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play,
After dinner and more,
Sleep with a loud snore,
And dream of summer fun on the bay.

BENNY THE ELF

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick,
After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick,
Rick lived in Atlanta,
A long ways from dear Santa,
In a week Benny was feeling homesick.

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 

THE POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Politicians must start thinking with clarity,
The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings,
Who, managed their people with austerity,
While, taking away all of  their things.

TIME TRAVEL CAN HURT

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years,

When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my childhood tears,

The pain was not just from falling,

But, the taunting voices calling,

Then, when I broke some bones the taunts roared into blissful cheers.

SANTA HAD AN EVIL BUSINESSMAN'S ID

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers,
If he felt that they were elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

BITERS MAKE ME HIDE

Upon my pond glide scary riders,

Many call them water spiders,

So, in my pond I won't sit,

Too afraid to be bit,

Instead, I'll go back up the beach with the hiders.

THE WATER PIPE AND BRAIN SAUSAGE

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree, 

My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me,

I destroyed my mind and my good soul,

Smoking a water pipe of charcoal,

I can no longer control the timing when I wee.

MY ONLINE CHRISTMAS DECLINE

I bought all of my Christmas online,

Even the dinner and wine,

The dinner arrived cold,

The wine cork taste was bold,

I'm now the host with host skills in decline.

ONE FOOT DONNY GOES TO RUSSIA

Donny played no golfing game, 

His missing foot was to blame,

Donny thought his foot was stolen,

When he misplaced it up his colon,

Although Donny had TV fame,

His colon fetish made him lame,

For fame in Russia he did aim,

Soon, they'll regret the day he came.

BIG DONNY MACHO

Donny thought he was a macho man,

Because he ate pasta from a can,

Donny was six times the weight,

Of any normal mate,

Donny thought each gawker was a fan.

RED BASEBALL HATS

I've decided to quit wearing baseball hats,

The red ones especially have major loser stats,

So, like granddad and aunt Cora,

I'll be wearing a fedora,

The fedora is often worn by the ultra styling cats.

THE POLITICS OF THE ELEPHANT

There was an elephant all large and fat,
The elephant knew where the peanuts were at,
It kissed the big rears,
Of the rich who inflict tears,
The elephant didn’t care as he ate where he sat.

THE WOODCUTTER FELLED A BIRCH ON A CHURCH

Willie the wood cutter cut down a big birch,
But, Willie felled the birch wrong, upon the neighborhood church,
The birch knocked off the bell,
On poor Willie it fell,
Willie found a heavenly cloud where he'll perch.

NO HOPS, DRINK POPS WITH NO TOPS

This year I had a failed crop of hops,

So, now all winter I drink shots and pops,

But, it's beer that I'll crave,

Until, I go to my grave,

I so miss those beer foamy tops.

Donny Did A Dirty Deed

Donny did a dirty deed,

When he lost his online feed,

He pardoned bandits that were his seed,

And, all his nasty friends he freed,

Donny was a dirty deeder,

He prized his thoughts and was no reader,

He acted like he was a weeder,

And, failed badly as fearless leader.

DONNY WET TO BED LAST NIGHT

Donny wet to bed last night,

Because his jammies were too tight,

They put on a squeeze,

He peed with ease,

Now,  Donny's bottom has diaper blight.

THE ANIMAL FARE MADE SCENTS

I went to the Fair and was taken aback by the vapors,

The smells weren't advertised by the pictures in papers,

So, I held my nose,

But, absorbed the scents in my clothes,

I washed my clothes then, had a salad with capers.

TWO SKUNKS MADE A NEST UNDER MY DECK LIMERICK

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck,
They had little babies and they were cute as all heck,
Though the smells did appall,
The skunks went away in the fall,
They were cute but my sinuses are a wreck.

ICE FISHING WAY OUT ON THE LAKE

I went ice fishing way out on the lake,
The blue gills were a pretty good take,
The gills flopped about with ease,
Until they started to freeze,
They were fine when I unthawed them on bake.

DONNY STOLE TEN BILLION BUCKS

Donny stole 10 billion bucks,💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰🤑

He loaded it onto pickup trucks,🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚

No one knows how,🤔

The money got to Moscow,🛫✈✈✈✈🛬

Where, it paid for tans and tummy tucks.🍊🐖

MY SKUNK NAMED AMADEUS

My gal and I had a skunk named Amadeus,
Whenever he’d see us he couldn’t help but to spray us,
We did nothing at all wrong,
To get a taste of his smelly bong,
Our pet skunk through our lives into chaos.

DONNY'S BAKING WAS SO BAD

Donny's Christmas cookies tasted like a toilet that would not flush,

Donny said that all complainers should just shut their traps and hush,

Donny made a Christmas cake,

That made all bellies really ache,

Donny said his bad baking was because he had to rush.

THE FURNACE

My furnace does not keep me warm,
It dies when there is a snow storm,
It's not so fun,
When your heater don't run,
And, on your nose the icicles form.

OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW IN WINTER

My bedroom window was left open all day,

The winter snows poured inward that way,

So, with two feet of snow,

My bedroom was no place to go,

The couch near the fireplace was a nice stay.

ALIENS RE-FABRICATED MY BRAINS

There was a pair of alien probes,

They attached themselves to my earlobes

Then, they re-fabricated my brain,

Leaving me legally insane,

While they hung as just plain silver globes.

DONNY SEEKS JOY BY EVIL DEEDS

Donny wanted all the toys,

So, he bullied all the girls and boys,

And, if a kid said no deal,

Donny simply would steal

Evil deeds were Donny's great joys.

DONNY DAZE

Donny loved to gather money,

It was the only way he could find a honey,

For, he had no hair,

Bad underwear,

And, down his leg dripped something runny.

DONNY AND HIS COUNTERFEIT DREAM

While counterfeiting or, dollar making,

Donny dreamed of trips he thought worth taking,

And, the cars and mansions he'd buy,

With his dollars that lie,

But, when the cops came Donny was shaking.

WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

MY JERKY CHRISTMAS DINNER

My little pet bear ate my Christmas ham, without shame,

I left the smokehouse door open so, I guess I'm to blame,

Now, Christmas dinner will feature jerky,

Made from leftover Thanksgiving turkey,

And, the last time I served jerky nobody came,    

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

SANTA HAS BAD HABBITS

Santa ate too many herbal cookies,

Santa drank too much ice beer,

Santa went to jail, 

That's why Santa isn't here.

Santa has some reindeer,

Santa feeds his reindeer grass,

All day they just play video games,

While sitting on their mass.

I BOUGHT A BUDA ON FRIDAY TO BRING ME SOME LUCK

There were great deals on Black Friday but, I had no funds to pay,

I had not been working since, the third week of May,

I broke open my penny jar,

Found four dimes in the car,

I could then buy a small Buda made out of red clay.

THE SILENT MOVIE MOGUL

Wilbur Royce Rice,

Was the movie Mogul of his time,

He began his career in film,

With a camera and a dime,

A silent world Rice screened,

Of great empires now dust,

The Egyptians, the Romans,

The Greek gods with a bust,

He dabbled in baubles,

Invested in dreams,

Created film stories,

With heart-string pulling themes,

A film studio he built,

He was a "genius" they declared,

The awards kept coming,

And, a great fortune he fared,

Then, silent movies,

All went away,

But, Wilbur Royce Rice,

Had an ankle of clay,

He was stubborn all knew,

And, he couldn't change with the bunch,

So, the new era in film,

Took poor Wilbur out with one punch,

Alas, the bauble market blew up,

The dream investments, just schemes,

 And, all the filmed stories,

Went rot like paper reams,

Wilbur was broke without his camera or dime,

He could have come back if he wasn't old and had time,

And, the pictures changed more, from the old black and white,

To movies with color that Wilbur disparaged as blight,

So, what gain a man with great talent without range?

Just the title of has-been and epitaph "Would Not Change," 

A DUNG BEETLE NAMED BARB

There was a dung beetle named Barb,
Her diet was really high carb,
She did not feel well,
She burst through her shell,
For dress she must find some new garb.

Barb was a dung beetle that ate all day,
She chowed down cow dung mixed with some clay,
She ran out in the sun,
Then, stopped and couldn't run,
Barb baked into a statue that day.

DONNY WAITS TO GO: A TIME TRAVELING TALE

Donny liked to time travel back to an autocratic nation,

And, often when Donny time traveled, he'd suffer constipation,

Donny went to 50's North Korea,

There he suffered diarrhea,

Donny waits to escape to Russia with anticipation.

MY TRACTOR MADE A RINK AND THEN TOOK A DEEP SINK

I drove my tractor out on the lake to snow blow some ice,

I thought an ice rink for the kids would be really nice,

I watched my rink grow with the blow, 

Until, the ice gave way and down I go,

So, my tractor paid the ultimate price  

Turkey Day Dinner With A Surprise

For Turkey Day I ate canned pig,

With a bottle of port and a menthol cig,

And, the big surprise,

I found some old French fries,

They were in the coach and I had to dig.

I CARVED THE TURKEY

Because of Covid  I could not turkey shop via, a roam,😷

So, I carved my Thanksgiving beast from Dow Styrofoam,🦃

It did not bake but, caught fire,🔥

Burned like a rubber tire,💥♨

Now, I've no turkey, no dinner no home.🏚

PRUNE JUICE AND THE TURKEY BALLOON

I was to serve a non-meat turkey at Thanksgiving noon,

But, the turkey I baked was a turkey balloon,

Well, that's in the past,

So, after the blast,

We all got loose with some juice made with prune.

TURKEY IN A TREE

Turkey, turkey way up in the tall tree,

Please come down; be dinner for me,

I'll invite over friends,

We'll eat your odds and ends,

I'll stuff your butt with breading; you'll taste real good, you'll see.