HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy him a stogy.

MY HIGH SCHOOL HALFTIME MARCHING BAND

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game,

The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame,

Yet, out on the field,

Even in rain they didn't yield,

And, the marching band at half-time earned their fame.

Some marchers swerved to the left,
Some swerved to the right,
Some lines stretched out,
Some lines got tight,

And, all through the drenching rain,
Their lips and fingers were either numb or in pain,
But, the marchers knew dedication would not be forgot,
For their final formation was a big tater tot.

JUNE FIRST QUARTER MOON LIMERICK

In June there was a first quarter moon,
My cell new phone went dead way too soon,
I would not say it was bad luck,
But, I got hit by a truck,
My car looks like a deflated balloon.

PHIL THE FARMER-Limerick

Phil the farmer really likes his lunch,
He eats ham and, cheese and, cherry punch,
His teeth have gone bad,
And, he lost them, so sad,
He can't eat anything that goes crunch.

MY COMPUTER HAD A BAD DAY

My computer had a really bad day,

My spilled coffee made my Windows go away,

My computer made a scene,

By giving me a blank screen,

I got it fixed but, boy did I pay.

DANCING DON THE POLKA DANCE KING

Dancing Don was the great polka dance king,
He danced the polka at every wing ding,
But, one day he fell,
And, gave out a yell,
Now, his leg has a cast and his arm has a sling.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

INSTANT COFFEE AND ICE CREAM BAR STARS

Way out among the distant stars,

I've heard they eat nothing but, ice cream bars,

If I could get some dough,

To those stars, I would go,

Bringing lots of instant coffee in jars.

DRAT! I'M NOT A NUGGET

I tested my dogs DNA and found out he is a cat,

I tested my kitties DNA and found out she is a bat

So then, I tested my own,

I found out I'm just a limestone,

I had hoped I was a gold nugget so, drat! 

IGOR HATED THE FIRST OF JUNE

Igor hated the first day of June,
That's the day his marriage went out of tune,
But, by the first of July,
Igor celebrated on high,
With his new wife on their honeymoon.

HUBA DUBA DO NOT

The couple spent all their time watching the HUB,

Eating pork rinds and becoming real tub,

To live through just what you sees,

Is one easy please,

But, no calories burned, that's the rub.

WHEN I DRIVE BRING A CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR

The traffic is bad on the road,

I swerved to avoid crushing a toad,

I then side swiped a truck,

Veered i to a ditch full of muck,

Then, my passenger's bowels passed a load.

THE BAT

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch,
He came out when down went the daylight torch,
He’d eat bugs all the night,
Then at first light,
He would hide before he could scorch.

A bat left droppings all over my porch boards,
His droppings were many; he ate insects in hoards,
I chased him away,
But, by the end of the day,
He came back and shrieked in hideous chords.

I HAD A BUG UPON MY TOE LIMERICK

I had a bug upon my toe,
He bit it firm and caused me woe,
I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly,
It made me itch until I thought I'd die,
But, the bug on my toe laid eggs to let grow.

MY PLANE NOT FLY HAIKU

Plane not fly, weather,
Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee,
Bathroom break, missed plane.

PICKUP RELIABILITY

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin',

It takes you so far but, that's not for certain,

It has starts and stops,

It booms, farts and, pops,

If you needs be someplace, you're hurtin',

BE A LIGHTNING ROD AT DORM

To get attention while away at dorm,

Play tetherball during a lightning storm,

It's brave to risk your bod,

Playing round a lightening rod,

Of course, if there's a strike it'll change your form.

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,

Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,

Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

ALWAYS FOLLOW A LEADER IF, THEY HAVE MEAT

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat,

Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat,

Or, Even if it's veggie stew,

That smells just like a stomach flu,

At least it would taste better than, some roadkill on the street.

HOPING FOR AN OINTMENT

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal,
After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel,
So, to the doctor I go,
With peeled hands for the show,
Hoping for an ointment that will heal.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

The Sunday Sports News

The Sunday paper read is sad,

All my local teams have endings, bad,

But, they will survive,

And, next season thrive,

When this season's over, I'll be glad.

THE MEMORIAL DAY TURKEY LIMERICK

My plumpest turkey was named Steve,

He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve,

Not too much to brag,

But, he saluted the flag,

On Memorial Day morning and eve.
 

THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO IT

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied,

He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide,

 The devil asked me a favor,

He wanted a new ice cream flavor,

He wanted the taste of sulfur and knewt eyes deep fat fried.

I WENT TO THE DINER FOR BREAKFAST

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon,

But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken,

It seems every breakfast was free,

For those who got there before me,

A nightmare from which I wish I'd awaken.

A FISH THAT DON'T FLOP CAN MAKE INTERNAL ORGANS ALL STOP

I found a fish up on the shore,

Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore,

So, I fried him in a vat,

Greased him up with bacon fat,

But, in a few hours he made my innards feel soar.

MY PLASTIC SIDING HAIKU

Wind, Siding,house stripped,
Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,
 Mess, insurance? HA!

THE AFTER WORLD

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot,

Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot,

So, you move out to the woods

With cases of canned and dry goods,

And, try to get by growing pot.

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,

They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,

The smell was not appealing,

Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,

Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

WHAT YOU DON'T DO WITH BLEACH

I went to polish my best table's top,
It was stained with coffee and red soda pop,
I wish someone would teach,
You don't polish with bleach,
Or, at least someone would have yelled at me "STOP!"

MR. MITCHELL'S CUPCAKES LIMERICK

Mitchell and his cousin owned a lot of land,
So, they opened up a big box cup cake stand,
Mitchell sold only a few dozen,
But, between him and his cousin,
They each developed a diabetic gland.

I GOT BIG PROBLEMS

A penny for your thoughts but, a dollar if you don't share,✋

I have my own problems and, they're too much to bear,🐻

My toaster don't work,😱

My boyfriend's a jerk,🤹

He bought me an apple and, I wanted a pear.🍐

MY COW NAMED MOSES

I owned a cow named Moses,
Instead of hooves she had big toeses,
I could not keep them clean,
She got really mean,
So, I picked her a bunch of roses.

THE TOMATO PLANT FROST LIMERICK

I cannot begin to figure the cost,

For my tomato garden was destroyed by frost,

Some say they tire of my rants,

That I should have covered my plants,

True but, I've already worked to the point of exhaust.

I FORGOT TO PACK STUFF

Can I borrow your toothbrush because, I left mine home,

I'm afraid I'll need to use it while, I'm visiting your dome,

Don't fret, I have no disease,

Unless, you count STDs,

And, I must borrow your shaver and foam

I Horde Gas

I horde and store gas in plastic sandwich bags,

It's safe cause I wrap the bags in paper towels and old rags,

When I have spent my last bill,

And, when my mobile home has it's fill,

The floor on my trailer, it sags

A PINCHY OF HERBS FOR BLURBS

Sometimes my sauces I disturbs,

By adding just a pinchy of herbs,

I simmer my sauces well,

Till they're all bubbly and swell,

And, my family gassy family makes blurbs and more blurbs.

MR. ROBIN REMEMBERED

Mr. Robin had a broken wing,
But, he'd still tell jokes and act and sing,
He did his best, 
For us chicks in the nest,
He'll be remembered for doing that thing.

MY HOUSING HIGH

Housing prices are incredibly high,

So, I sold mine to give leisure a try,

But, after the mortgage and closing cost,

Instead of a profit, I lost,

Now, that I'm homeless and bankrupt, I cry.

THE WEBSITE TROLLS

My website is visited by trolls,
I fear they have nefarious goals,
When a sentence I complete,
If they don't like it they'll delete,
They must be from the dark web of souls.

I WENT DOWN TO THE DEVIL

I went to the devil to make me this deal,

I loved one that back for me, had nadda feel,

The devil told me my prime,

Was lost too long in time,

He said, "No looks, no money, get real."

I AM WHAT I AM BECAUSE OF MY MA AND PA

I am so lucky to have my ma and pa,

They raised me on coffee and tobacco chaw,

Although, my teeth were all black,

And, my chaw spit caught me flack,

I became the town marshal and law.

BUGS FOR BREAKFAST (Breakfast of Trampions)

On my heart my tummy tugs,

I was so hungry, I ate bugs,

But, a tummy that begs,

Shouldn't eat bugs with long legs,

I got hospitalized and some hugs.

WHY BOTHER WITH FLOWERS

All my flowers just died in their rows,

Every time I'm done planting it freezes and snows,

Of course, the freezing will be done,

By the August last Sun,

Alas, by the Ides of September the frosty wind  blows.

NOBODY TELLS ME

Nobody told me electricity can arc,

Or, that a dog will bite before giving a bark,

Nobody told me I could drown in deep water,

Or, boil my brains in a bath I made hotter,

Or, I should turn on my lights when I drive after dark.

PEACH TREE THROUGH THE FLOOR

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards,

I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords,

For the peaches were sweet,

And, I had no money to eat,

At times providence has it's own rewards.

JIM WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING ON THE 9TH OF MAY

Jim went trick-or-treating, 
On the 9th of May,
He didn't get any candy,
But, he got a 90 day jail stay,

It was not very funny,
When the neighbors called the cops,
Because Jim was dressed like a Playboy Bunny,
And, his breath just wreaked with hops,

The judge didn't care that it was all for candy,
Instead, he just slowly shook his head,
He said Jim was a real "Jim Dandy,"
And, in county lock-up he'd make his bed,

The days each passed like they were years,
And, Jim yearned for candy more and more,
But, the next time he wouldn't trick-or-treat,
Deciding, he'd just take it from a store.

SPIT-PLAY WITH FOUR

They put phlegm in my coffee so, I could not stay,

If you spit in my coffee, I go away,

The waiter was a jerk,

And, I was so late for work,

At four, I'm out of work and we'll continue our play.

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day or, two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar. 

LIVE

Live this life the best you can for it's all you're going to get,

And, all the reverends who tell you different, 

Are just perverts full of shit.

THE ALIEN TOOTHACHE

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity,

By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,  

And, in the space-time of my brain,

I felt space alien pain,

The goober is Earth's defense by depravity.

DON'T TRUST BEARS CAUGHT BENEATH A TREE

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree,
I got behind him and pushed the big bear free,
I thought I made a new friend,
But, where did I end?
In the bear's belly; where else would I be?

RILEY'S HIDDEN RAINBOW

Riley hid his rainbow just off his reading room,

Dreading dear dad discover thus, demanding Riley's doom,

Cased within calm closets care,

Riley's rainbow rested there,

Until, the future world came, Boom!

THE NEIGHBORLY HILLS

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes,

They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes,

In my neighborhood,

Most are proud they're no good,

So, I never accept gifts of cookies or cakes.

MY HAMSTER IN SPACE

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day,
Next day, he got revenge in his own way,
When I gave my fella a little hand stroke,
His sharp teeth gave my hand a really deep poke,

Blood spurted and spurted all over the floor,
All over the doorknob as I rushed out the door,
I grabbed my cell phone and the ambulance came quick,
Then, it was off to the hospital; the sight of blood made me sick,

Luckily, the bleeding was quickly stopped,
A single small bandage covered the vein that was popped,
After a week in the hospital I was all healed,
The little scab under the bandage was easily peeled,

At home my hamster had taken over my house,
He chased off the dog and ate my pet grouse,
He ripped up my newspapers and made a nest in my bed,
Increasing I wished that my hamster was dead,

Of course, I decided to serve up revenge that was ice cold,
I developed a plan that was clever and bold,
To this hamster I was especially nice,
I spoke in soft words and bought him toys so high priced,

Then, when the hamster thought I'd  not seek retribution,
It was time for my plan to achieve institution,
Of course sweet revenge is what I sought and I got,
For I volunteered my hamster to be a deep space astronaut.

MY WOODSTOVE HAS GONE KAPUT

My woodstove has gone kaput,
It’s rusted out and backed up with soot,
There was so much smoke in the house,
All the carpeting is deloused,
And, I’m freezing from my head to my foot.

THE RED STRAWBERRY ANTS

I went and planted a strawberry jar,
Full of strawberry plants,
But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe,
I found the strawberries all full of red ants,

My strawberry jar was a real disappoint,
And, so were my strawberry plants,
Now, the ants are running amok in my joint,
And, they bite me neath the cuffs of my pants.

I WISH I WAS A COWBOY

I wish I was a cowboy then, I'd ride on into town,

I'd get myself some bacon, and some flour and, ground round,

I'd sit out on a moon lit night,

And, watch the twinkling buggies bite,

Listening to the sound of the rocker-siding pound.

THE OLD MAN AND THE CAVE

There was an old man who did not like to shave,

He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave,

But, when his campfire started to smoke,

The old man started to choke,

So, he cancelled his plans for a rave. 

I ALWAYS WEAR MY COVID MASK JUST TO TICK EM OFF

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go,

Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow,

I wave to all but, do not linger,

Their return wave is just one finger,

Maybe we'll be friends again to celebrate Ho, Ho, Ho.