MY FEELINGS ON DRINKING SNOW WATER

I drank snow water and it was so cold,

My throat froze and I was not sold,

I want my water hotter,

Save the cold for an otter,

My drink makes me feel I'm too bold.

 

I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.

OBEY THE LAW OR YOU WILL BE SPLAYED

In Midland they have an old saying,

In Clare it's a law worth obeying,

Don't eat any old Christmas wreath,

For it will green up your teeth,

And, your entrails will feel like their splaying. 

PRESCRIPTION SPILLS ADD TO MY BILLS

Because of frequent spills,

I ran out of my prescription pills,

When I asked to replace,

My insurance said "face,"

So, replacement costs are one more of my bills.

THE SPARROW'S NUMBER WAS UP

For the sparrow it was up, his number,

He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber,

His life had past,

So brief, so fast,

One dead bird sitting on dead lumber,

THE NETHERWORLD ONLINE

I found the nether world online,

A place where pop and chips recline,

It's a place to slumber,

With re-attributed lumber,

Where my firebox becomes  the place I hang wine.

THE ONLINE DOC

Bobby was not well attended,

When he broke his arm it barely mended,

The doc's degree they say,

The doc won on eBay,

"Highest bid," the doc defended.

AN ICE FISHERMAN'S REVENGE

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake,
He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take,
But, he would not share,
So, to make it all fair,
I locked him in my shanty and turned the stove up to bake.

NO CALENDAR NEW YEAR

It's January One and it is the worst,

The new year has begun and it's already the first,

Auld Lang Syne we have sang,

And, I have no calendar to hang,

Soon, the vein in my forehead shall burst.

 

POOR PLANNING ON MY NEW YEAR'S EVE

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve,

Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve,

And, deep the motor went humming,

Be there till second coming,

Perhaps insurance will grant me reprieve.

MERMAID IN A CAN OR PSYCHOLOGY 101

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch,

I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much,

So, tuna fish at my house is under a family ban,

But, we all chow down on what I've renamed "Mermaid In A Can." 

GEORGE WAITED TO SEE THE NEW YEAR

George waited to see the New Year,
He drank fifty cans of light beer,
To the bathroom he went,
He stayed in there 'till Lent,
So he misssed all the fun and the cheer.

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

CANNING TOMATOES HAIKU

Canning tomatoes,
Big mess on counter and floor,
Spoiled, belly ache.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

MY PRETTY PET PIG

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken,
When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon,
I fed her a lunch,
It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”,
She wonders why her heart had been achin’.

THE MIXED METAPHOR OPINIONS

Once I was a young belligerent fool,

My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool,

I was a well meaning gent,

But, my opinions were  too bent,

To make them a real useful tool.

   

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

THE FISH BAIT WHITTLER

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle,
Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle,
Now, some think I should do more,
Than wasting hours times four,
But, I think carving wastes my time very little.

HENRY'S RUBBER CRAWLERS

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers,
They work really well behind fishing traulers,
Just tie on the harness for the worm,
Watch him wiggle and squirm,
Some worms are just natural brawlers.

MY COMPUTER IS SLOWING WAY DOWN

My computer is slowing way down,
My smile is now a stiff frown,
Could  it be  a virus today?
Or, the net's slow with E-bay?
I'm going  to bed after I put on my gown.

THE CATFISH WAS A GAS AT MY PARTY

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party,

We played clue and that catfish was a smarty,

He always knew which weapon and room,

And thus, the murderer he could assume,

Too bad he ate bean dip and got farty.

BANKERS THEE

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee,
What will you guys take from me?
You took my money,
You took my house,
You even took my kids and spouse.

GUIDE TO BEING A LADIES MAN LIMERICK

If a guy over ladies wants power,

Then, at least once a day he should shower,

And, to remove a romantic despair,

A guy should well wash his hair,

And, fart only once every hour.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

CORRINE THE MERMAID IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay,
She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away,
She swims free like a trout,
But, watches all about,
I'd like to meet and greet her one day.

CHIPMUNK VS SQURREL SHOPPIING PHILOSOPHY

The squirrel went to a regular store,
The chipmunk shopped online,
The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer,
The squirrel sampled fine cheese and wine.

THERE ONCE WAS A CROCODILE NAMED LARRY LIMERICK 1

There once was a crocodile named Larry,
He was the only crock that was hairy,
His fangs were real long,
His claws sharp and strong,
He certainly looked very scary.

THE ROAD MOST TAKEN

If you take the road most taken,
You’ll bring home a lot of bacon,
Take the road that’s not,
You won’t have a pot,
Then, with your family you will be forsaken.

DANNY HATED BOOKS

Danny hated books,
Reading hurt his head too much,
Became Senator.

LARRY THE CROCODILE LIMERICK 2

Larry the crocodile owns a bank,
He swims all day in his deluxe fish tank,
If your payments are late,
Then, you will surely be ate,
It's a fate with a really low rank.

GENERATIONS NO DOUGH

The days are long,

The nights are short,

So, my late nights out,

I must abort,

Working long hours,

Can't get ahead,

What the man don't steal,

I must send to the fed,

I have no vacations,

I have low pay,

While my rich, rich boss,

Lives on holiday,

My parents were poor,

No money to blow,

So, ad infinitum,

Generations, no dough.

PEPPY THE ANTIQUE PICKER LIMERICK

Peppy was a popular picker of antique coins and clothes,
She did not have to see a top pick; she could smell it with her nose,
But, something went really funny,
When Peppy thought she smelled old money,
Because, the smell came from the big toe jams in between her toes.

THE TWIT WHO WRIT THE SKIT

I be the twit who writ the skit,

About the possum who liked to knit,

I thought it had an Emmy's gold glow,

As a series TV show,

Alas, I found no network who liked the bit.

SAVANNAH TOO SMART

Savannah was just too smart,
She was segregated apart,
She had such a yearn,
To be too stupid to learn,
And to laugh when one throws a lawn jart.

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.

IVAN THE BEAR LIKES FISH

There was a grizzly bear named Ivan,
In the river he'd go a diving,
He'd make a wish,
Dive for a fish,
A fish dinner he was a striving.

BUNNY BLUE WAS MY FAVORITE BOOK

Bunny Blue was my favorite book,

My mom would read it in the window nook,

And, every single word,

I memorized as I heard,

With each page where my eyes took a look.

MY CRITIQUE OF DINERS

I read all the silly little signs,

At the places where I dines,

I also notice the sticky tables,

And, the toilet monsters born from fables,

But, all ends well with beers and wines. 

THE ONLINE CREEPY CRAWLERS

Everywhere online I go,

The creepy crawlers think they know,

My wants good and bad,

They target with ad,

To get a click to make some dough.

TEQUILA AND THE ECLIPSE

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse,

The walk was really hard on my hips,

And, Old Sol was unkind,

For my stares made me blind,

Or, was it the tequila that passed over my lips.

TOO LATE FOR THE TIN TOY SOLDIERS

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust,

I had left them outside for years to just rust,

I cleaned them one day,

And, the rust crust went away,

As my tin soldiers all crumbled to dust. 

MY GIRLFRIEND PICKS HER NOSE HAIKU

Girlfriend picks her nose,
Not happy with what I see,
She has job, ignore.

PAPA CRAIG MITCHELL MIXED HIS COFFEE AND TEA

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea,
He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee,
Many thought he was insane,
Some disease of the brain,
But, Papa Craig Mitchell still lives at age 93.

MY BANKER TOLD ME TO BUY REAL ESTATE LIMERICK

My banker told me to buy real estate,
I lost my shirt by the closing date,
My broker said buy stocks,
Then, stocks hit the rocks,
I guess being broke is just my fate.

I LOST MY JOB ETC. LIMERICK

I lost my job, my car and, my home,
I'm kind of stuck with no where to roam,
I've moved in with my parents,
I'm here with forbearance,
I can't drink the stuff with the foam.

WITH NO SPINNER I'LL HAVE NO FISH FOR DINNER

I did not catch no fish for dinner,

For in the weeds I lost my spinner,

And, spinners bring joy,

To each fish girl and fish boy,

So, with no spinner I'm no winner.

THE LEANEST CHICKEN SANDWICH IS NOT AS GOOD AS BEAN

I ate a chicken sandwich guaranteed to be lean,

But, there wasn't any chicken for the sandwich bun was clean, 

And, I was in a daze,

Because, there was no mayonnaise,

So, next time I want some protein I'll order a sandwich made from bean. 

DOWN CAME THE OLD WHITE PINE LIMERICK

Down came the old white pine,

After a lightning bolt broke its spine,

Now, I'll use the branches and splinters,

For hearth fires in future winters,

And, leave the needles so the critters to dine.

I JUST MADE THIS TWEET

I just made this tweet,

I just made this twitter,

I commented on someone's poor hygiene,

Then, their response was bitter.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED OUT OF TUNE

A band played way out of tune,
They played from midnight until noon,
And, they could not keep a beat,
Even tapping their feet,
I wish they would quit really soon.

DRIVER'S EYE EXAM HAIKU

Driver’s exam, eyes,
Letters, blur, blur, gone, can't see,
No see, no drive, Failed!

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

IT'S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win,
I'm being visited by a houseful of kin,
They devoured all my steaks,
Leaving me to eat just pancakes,
And, they drank all of my beer, wine, bourbon and gin.

NO PAY NO STAY

Your rent you must always pay,
If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away,
Like my parents would always say,
“Remember son, no pay no stay.”

JASON WAS THE LIMERICK KING

Jason was the limerick king,
He could rhyme about anything,
He was good with the rhyme,
But his time was a crime,
So he never had any bling.

JASON TRIED TO WRITE MUSIC VERSE

Jason tried to write music verse,
But, each revision sounded worse,
His love unrequited,
Got no one excited,
He became a registered nurse.

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