IS TRAVERSE CITY SANTA'S SUMMER RETREAT?

The jurors are out they say,

As to where Santa summers his sleigh,

I think it's a pity,

If it's not Traverse City,

Where he could have a beautiful view of the bay.

JIM'S TAPEWORM AND SKINNY TRANSFORMER BRAG

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim,

In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim,

And, Big Jim got so skinny,

Shopped cloths stores for the "mini,"

Jim bragged which just made him seem dim.

WAITING FOR MY TRICKLE-DOWN

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise,

Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase,

For long, long before,

I'll get pink-slipped out the door,

Because trickle-down signs the end of my days.

MY NECK OF THE WOODS

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods,

We don't have much money and ain't got many goods,

And, everything we find that will crawl,

We eat or hang on the wall,

And, use the skin for our hats and our hoods.

I BUILT MY HOUSE WITH BORROWED NAILS

I built my house with borrowed nails,

I must of borrowed pails and pails,

Now, some want their nails back,

That will leave me with some shack,

And, it'll fall over with hard rains and the gales.

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

REVOLUTIONARY, NEW POLE BARN FLOOR

My pole barn had a brand new floor,

It was made of ice and nothing more,

It worked great most of the year,

But, when warm weather got here,

A tidal wave came out of the door.

A LINE IN THE SAND AND A BAD NOODLE TAN

I drew a line in the sand,

I did it with a stick in my hand,

I'm not sure what for?

Maybe I'm going to war,

I think my noodle got overly tanned. 

NEW BOOTS AND WORMS IN A CORNFIELD

In a cornfield I stood worried about what to eat,

When, my boots started sinking into a pile of corncrete,

I wretched I thought,

For those were new boots I had bought,

And, worms would surely eat through them to my feet.

THE EASTER BASKET BLUES

I got an Easter basket but, I do not have any shoes,

I can't use my basket for footwear because it did not come in twos,

My feet are too big to share,

And, my weight one basket won't bare,

I'll just wait until next Easter then, a second basket will bring good news. 

THE UNCLE JAY JAY RHYMES

My uncle Jay Jay,

Bleached his toupee,

Now his hair is all white,

Like his daddy Ray Ray,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Played his trumpet all day,

Then, went fishing at night,

Out on Grand Traverse Bay,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Once played in a band at night,

But, with the jazz flutist,

Had a fist fight,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Didn't like the sound of the flute,

For any woodwinds he did not give a hoot,

He said only a brass horn could give a good toot,

My uncle Jay Jay,

Left this world with the tide,

In the next world he's sitting all full of pride,

Making toot in a brass band of trumpets and slide.     

  

TOO PRETTY FOR A BIG CITY: A POSSUM'S STORY

There was a little possum we all knew as Begonia, 

Her actual name was a rhyme known as Sonja,

She did not like Traverse City,

Thought it too big for one so pretty,

So, she moved herself and her stuff to Benzonia.

A FLIPPING TUNA WITH TATERS

A giant tuna way out in the sea,

Swam up the river for me,

I hooked him in the lip,

Pulled him on shore in mid-flip, 

Now, I'll serve him with taters at tea.

BENNY BROKE AN EARLOBE

Benny broke an earlobe,

Now it's an ear flap,

Whoever heard of breaking an earlobe?

By wearing a too tight baseball cap.

CANKER CREAM II

Many people fell for the scheme,

Of trying to buy canker cream,

Buy, why should you try it,

Just go change things in your diet,

Save money and let your smile beam.

CANKER CREAM I

Poor Sam had a mouth full of cankers,

They were puffy and not pinchers or yankers,

The suave to make they go away,

Was much more than Sam's pay,

So, Sam got three loans from three different bankers. 

SUCKED DOWN ON THE ICE: A FISHERMAN'S TALE

When I was fishing out on the ice,

A thing happened that made me think twice,

For, up from the ice hole, 

Came a giant snake with a roll,

He sucked me down and his breath smelled like mice.

UNDER THE WEATHER SORE THROAT

I bought me some throat lounges but, my throat is still sore,

It feels like some elf gave my throat a tear and a tore,

I wish the weather would get better,

Instead, of colder and wetter,

So, I'm feeling under the weather and more.

BARD'S GOT A CONCRETE MUSHROOM SONG

The concrete mushroom in my yard,

Gave inspiration to the local bard,

But, it seems awful wrong,

For a concrete mushroom song,

When finding tasty mushrooms is hard. 

EYE ON SOUSE

When Miller stopped at the Biergarten House,

He tarried there instead of going home to his spouse,

Which made his lonely spouse sob,

Till, she got a biergarten job,

Now, the spouse keeps an eye on her souse.  

PLANT CLOSURES AND THE PURLOINED TOILET PAPER

The plant shut down and Dan was sent out the door,

He purloined some bath tissue to even the score,

But, he was caught with his booty,

And, the police got real shooty,

Now, Dan is worm food and he'll be nothing more. 

THE ROOM IN MY WALLET

There's lots of wiggle room in my wallet,

I'm broke and don't know what else to call it,

But, I'm soon to get pay,

Then, I'll have a good day,

And, I and my friends can go mall it. 

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Many people believe that their lives are a mess,

To the fairies of failure they kneel to and confess,

Of course, all the silver and gold,

Are success symbols oversold, 

When, food and a warm place to sleep is success

THE PEARL DIVING DOG NAMED SAM

My little dog named Sam,

Diving for pearls he swam,

But, no oysters, no pearls,

Still, he got attention from girls,

"He's my dog," I'd say like a ham.

WINE, BEER AND THE SINUS BAD CHEER

My sinuses are on the decline,

I drank wine which makes them not fine,

But, when I drink beer,

My sinuses are of raw cheer,

So, with alcohol I no longer dine.

UP INTO MY EARS

When my eyes let go some tears,

Before me a tissue box soon appears,
But, the tissue the box wouldn't let go,

And, with a full nose to blow,

An explosion went up into my ears.

THE CHICKEN THAT WOULD NOT FLY

That chicken just won't fly,

It's wings are clipped and it's about to fry,

And, when it's breast is frying done,

I have some mayonnaise on a bun,

Then, under some bacon and tomato it will lie.

MY FEELINGS ON DRINKING SNOW WATER

I drank snow water and it was so cold,

My throat froze and I was not sold,

I want my water hotter,

Save the cold for an otter,

My drink makes me feel I'm too bold.

 

I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.

OBEY THE LAW OR YOU WILL BE SPLAYED

In Midland they have an old saying,

In Clare it's a law worth obeying,

Don't eat any old Christmas wreath,

For it will green up your teeth,

And, your entrails will feel like their splaying. 

PRESCRIPTION SPILLS ADD TO MY BILLS

Because of frequent spills,

I ran out of my prescription pills,

When I asked to replace,

My insurance said "face,"

So, replacement costs are one more of my bills.

THE SPARROW'S NUMBER WAS UP

For the sparrow it was up, his number,

He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber,

His life had past,

So brief, so fast,

One dead bird sitting on dead lumber,

THE NETHERWORLD ONLINE

I found the nether world online,

A place where pop and chips recline,

It's a place to slumber,

With re-attributed lumber,

Where my firebox becomes  the place I hang wine.

THE ONLINE DOC

Bobby was not well attended,

When he broke his arm it barely mended,

The doc's degree they say,

The doc won on eBay,

"Highest bid," the doc defended.

AN ICE FISHERMAN'S REVENGE

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake,
He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take,
But, he would not share,
So, to make it all fair,
I locked him in my shanty and turned the stove up to bake.

NO CALENDAR NEW YEAR

It's January One and it is the worst,

The new year has begun and it's already the first,

Auld Lang Syne we have sang,

And, I have no calendar to hang,

Soon, the vein in my forehead shall burst.

 

POOR PLANNING ON MY NEW YEAR'S EVE

I had poor planning on my New Year's Eve,

Thin ice lost me my sled on Little Lake Steve,

And, deep the motor went humming,

Be there till second coming,

Perhaps insurance will grant me reprieve.

MERMAID IN A CAN OR PSYCHOLOGY 101

I like tuna fish but, the family will not touch,

I say it's the perfect fish but, they say the fish taste is too much,

So, tuna fish at my house is under a family ban,

But, we all chow down on what I've renamed "Mermaid In A Can." 

GEORGE WAITED TO SEE THE NEW YEAR

George waited to see the New Year,
He drank fifty cans of light beer,
To the bathroom he went,
He stayed in there 'till Lent,
So he misssed all the fun and the cheer.

A BAD LIMERICK

I made a limerick up last week,
Its rhymes were solid but rhythms weak,
It wasn’t funny,
Or sad or sunny,
And, its wisdom you would not seek.

CANNING TOMATOES HAIKU

Canning tomatoes,
Big mess on counter and floor,
Spoiled, belly ache.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED TOO LOUD

There was a band that played too loud,
They were really bad but, quite proud,
They could not rap,
Nor rhythm tap,
They could never did draw a big crowd.

MY PRETTY PET PIG

My pretty pet pig felt so forsaken,
When her boyfriend was sold for back bacon,
I fed her a lunch,
It was bacon,” crunch, crunch”,
She wonders why her heart had been achin’.

THE MIXED METAPHOR OPINIONS

Once I was a young belligerent fool,

My refrigerant filled veins I thought were cool,

I was a well meaning gent,

But, my opinions were  too bent,

To make them a real useful tool.

   

TOTAL MICHIGAN SEASONS : 2.1

In Michigan you don't get much fall,
Fall is hardly a season at all,
Fall is just a small splinter,
Between summer and winter,
And, the spring season we don't get at all.

SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

THE FISH BAIT WHITTLER

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle,
Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle,
Now, some think I should do more,
Than wasting hours times four,
But, I think carving wastes my time very little.

HENRY'S RUBBER CRAWLERS

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers,
They work really well behind fishing traulers,
Just tie on the harness for the worm,
Watch him wiggle and squirm,
Some worms are just natural brawlers.

MY COMPUTER IS SLOWING WAY DOWN

My computer is slowing way down,
My smile is now a stiff frown,
Could  it be  a virus today?
Or, the net's slow with E-bay?
I'm going  to bed after I put on my gown.

THE CATFISH WAS A GAS AT MY PARTY

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party,

We played clue and that catfish was a smarty,

He always knew which weapon and room,

And thus, the murderer he could assume,

Too bad he ate bean dip and got farty.

BANKERS THEE

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee,
What will you guys take from me?
You took my money,
You took my house,
You even took my kids and spouse.

GUIDE TO BEING A LADIES MAN LIMERICK

If a guy over ladies wants power,

Then, at least once a day he should shower,

And, to remove a romantic despair,

A guy should well wash his hair,

And, fart only once every hour.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

CORRINE THE MERMAID IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay,
She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away,
She swims free like a trout,
But, watches all about,
I'd like to meet and greet her one day.

CHIPMUNK VS SQURREL SHOPPIING PHILOSOPHY

The squirrel went to a regular store,
The chipmunk shopped online,
The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer,
The squirrel sampled fine cheese and wine.

THERE ONCE WAS A CROCODILE NAMED LARRY LIMERICK 1

There once was a crocodile named Larry,
He was the only crock that was hairy,
His fangs were real long,
His claws sharp and strong,
He certainly looked very scary.

THE ROAD MOST TAKEN

If you take the road most taken,
You’ll bring home a lot of bacon,
Take the road that’s not,
You won’t have a pot,
Then, with your family you will be forsaken.