TODAY IN CANADA IT'S EASTER MONDAY

Today in Canada it's Easter Monday,
Down here in the states we only have Sunday,
So, with kind of a scoff,
I called in sick with a cough,
And, made today my errands to run day.

INVESTING IS NOT GOOD SOMETIMES LIMERICK

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

EVIL TWIN LIMERICK

My evil twin was born today,
On April 3rd near the month of May,
To my family he is a blight,
He is our evil black knight,
And, he's in my mirror to stay.

RANDY THE EASTER RAT

Randy was a big tongued Easter rat,
He painted Easter eggs with his tongue so fat,
He made colored stripes of beauty,
Painting eggs he thought a duty,
The Easter Bunny gave Randy a pat.

THE OGRE WITH THE STASH OF CASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak around,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The Thief would run off with a whiplash.

THERE WAS A TUBER NAMED TAYLOR

There was a young tuber named Taylor,
He fancied himself quite the sailor,
His inner tube got a hole,
Then, he lost his atoll,
He sank while trying to bail her.

MY LITTLE CHERRY TREE JUST DIED

My little cherry tree just died,
Although I fondled it and treated it with pride,
Some say it died diseased with scale,
Or from someone’s pee on it's tail,
Homemade  wine on my tree I relied.

I WENT SNOWBOARDING AND RAN OUT OF SNOW

I went snowboarding and ran out of snow,

I then started plunging to the earth far below,

Looks like my snowboard season is done,

I've completely run out of fun,

Coming back next season I don't know.

HOW TO MAKE LIMERICK PIE

In order to make limerick pie,
You must kiss a tadpole on the eye,
There’s rhyme but, no reason,
They are for the ear pleasin’
It’s stupid so just don’t ask why?

THERE ONCE WAS A LIMERICK WRITER NAMED ROY LIMERICK

There once was a limerick writer named Roy,
He thought he was a real limerick boy,
But, the odd topics he chose,
Along with nonsensical prose,
Gave no one any laughter or insight or joy.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN OUT ON MY STOOP

There was a leprechaun out on my stoop,
The little guy sat all in a droop,
For his gold came up missing,
While a girl he was kissing,
It seems the kiss was just a big dupe.

THE IDES OF MARCH WITH A NEW MOON

It's the Ides of March with a new moon,
Don't be shived by Brutus the goon,
Caesar wasn't too bright,
His bud wasn't tight,
Caesars luck ran out really soon.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME ON THE MORROW LIMERICK

The Ides of March come on the morrow,
They bring to us such benign sorrow,
There is no direct threat,
Nor warnings just yet,
We just fear every day called tomorrow.

THE NEW DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME LIMERICK

                                             
                                               There be nothing quite so dangerous and mean,
                                              As when Daylight Savings Time began in 1918,
                                              No one thought it would really matter,
                                              Giving temporal brain cells a scatter,
                                              The changeover is psychologically unclean.

"Senate Sergeant at Arms Charles Higgins turns forward the Ohio Clock for the first Daylight Saving Time, while Senators LOOK ON, SENATE HISTORICA OFFICE1918" Above courtesy U.S. Senate website.

THE EIGHTH OF MARCH BRINGS US A FULL MOON LIMERICK

The eighth of March brings us a full moon,
I’d look but I’d miss my cartoon,
It’s not I don’t care,
But, it’s Sponge Bob and he’s square,
Priorities set my agenda till noon.

A LIMERICK PIE

A limerick pie is nothing more,
Than, stringing words together for,
A little fun,
Maybe a pun,
Or, some wisdom at the core.

MARCH IS THE MONTH WHERE WINTER BECOMES SPRING?

March is the month where winter becomes spring?
Wow, somebody's brain has had a bit of denting,
So how is it warm?
When all it does is snow storm,
Please, forgive my sarcastic venting.

 

TODAY WE ALL TAKE A LEAP

Today is the day we all take a leap,
We have to when the snow is knee deep,
Leap years make winters so long,
Adding a winter day is just wrong,
All I can say is Bleep!, Bleep!, Bleep!, Bleep!!!

TOMORROW IS A LEAP YEAR DAY

Tomorrow is a Leap Year day,
Where I leap I cannot say,
Maybe in my apartment I will stay,
It’s supposed to snow almost until May.

SANDY WAS A SICK DRUNKEN GIRL WHO DONE WELL

There once was a bad girl named Sandy,
She liked to mix her beer, scotch and brandy,
But, she was always a  sicky,
All the boys  thought she was icky,
She was thin so she married an old billionaire named Andy.

SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN NOT TO TWITTER

Some people are not born to twitter,
Because their thoughts are always bitter,
And, to no ones surprise,
Many who twitter tell lies,
Like the ecology ones who leave litter.

THE MONSTER RAT LIMERICK 2

A monster rat grabbed on my knee,
I had to struggle to get free,
He ate all my cheese,
He's loaded with fleas,
I wish the rat would let me be.

THE SINGING WEASEL

There was a weasel named Willie Hark,
He couldn't weasel but, sang like a lark,
He wouldn't hunt prey,
He would croon all day,
His pantry then looked really stark.

THERE WAS A MAN NAMED HOWARD HEARD

There was a bad man named Howard Heard,
A witch turned him into parrot Bird,
 He ate bird seed all day,
Then at night he would say,
I'm a parrot who can speak any word.

I WISH MY VALENTINE WOULD STAY HOME AND SNOOZE

On Valentines Day I’m singing the blues,
For my valentine drank way too much booze,
She is running down the street,
It’s like a last year repeat,
I wish she’d stay home and just snooze.

MY VALENTINE WRECKED MY CAR

My valentine wrecked my new car,
That will cost her, her candy and star,
So, the candy is for me,
Her star I’ll let be,
As long as she buys my drinks at the bar.

WAYLAND THE ELF KING IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

MY CHEATIE, SWEETIE IS TWEETIE

I thought you were my valentine, sweetie,
But, I guess you’ve been lately real cheatie,
Last week it was Frank,
Yesterday it was Hank,
All the internet knows cause you’re tweetie.

BASIL LOVED BURGANDY

Basil really loved Burgundy,
That is the wine and not the color,
But, for his birthday he got a can of paint,
It wasn’t even burgundy but kind of a yellar.

NEW MOON FEBRUARY 2012 LIMERICK

The new moon in February 2012,
Tells the psychics to put the month on the shelve,
It may be a great year,
But, February’s days are not dear,
These days should be flushed through the septic tank valve.

MY PA, STEP MA AND MY FAMILY ROOTS

My pa’s name was Old Clyde Foots,
His third wife Karen was quite the toots,
They had an all male litter of nine,
This to me was just fine,
For even half brothers still have family roots.

WHEN I SEE THE HURRICANE

When I see the hurricane,
I run away, I flee,
I do not like the hurricane,
Because drowning is not for me,

There are those who watch in awe,
The gales, the lightning, the rain,
But, I just fear being blown out to sea,
By the nasty hurricane,

So, call me a coward as I run away,
And though  your words cause me some pain,
I know that  I'll be around another day,
To run away  from  another hurricane.

THERE WERE TWO BAR MAIDS NAMED CHRISTINA

There were two bar maids named Christina,

When not serving drinks they played the concertina,

But, their music was so sad,

When finished playing everyone was glad,

For their intonation were like a wounded hyena,  

 

TURTLE SOUP SUBSTITUTE

I could not find a turtle for my turtle soup,
So, I went out to see what crawled on my front stoop,
I found a green lizard,
A snake with a gizzard,
And, four bugs with antennae that hoop.

GROUND HOG OR DOG DAY? LIMERICK

I could not find a ground hog,
So, I disguised up my dog,
But, the people from around,
Recognized my old hound,
Groundhogs Day went over like a log.

THE FIRST OF FEBRUARY BRINGS A NEW SEASON

The first of February brings a new season,
I say this without any rhyme or real reason,
The wind is cold when it blows,
Full of ice and heavy snows,
The big bad weather makes me feel like a meson.

THE LEGEND OF BRAN

I was the one sent to fight the great war,
Against the gargoyles and demons and monsters of yore,
I called upon the great forest trees,
They beat my enemies to their knees,
The universe continues as it had been before.

CRAZY JEANIE THE LIMERICK

Crazy Jeanie was a tether-ball queen,
She could beat any boy or girl because she was mean,
She’d pound the ball into the kid’s face,
Then, laugh and yell “Ace”,
Now, she rules as a college athletic school dean.

RALPHIE SWORE HE'D STAY OFF THE DRINK LIMERICK

Ralphie swore that he’d stay off the drink,
It would have gone well except for his girlfriend Ann Klink,
She was not real nice,
And, with a bottle of spiced rum she’d entice,
Ralphie ended up vomiting all night in the sink.

WHILE MARTY WAS DRIVING HIS ROADSTER LIMERICK

While Marty was driving his roadster,
He swerved to miss an old toadster,
He ran right into a tree,
The crash smashed-up his knee,
The hospital is where Marty takes abodester.

A NEW MOON THE TWENTY-THIRD LIMERICK

There's a new moon on the twenty-third,
It's so dark because the new moon occured,
I can't see my toes,
That's the least of my woes,
I opened my mouth I swallowed some bird.

POOR LITTLE MOLLY WET TO BED LIMERICK

Poor little Molly wet to bed,
She was embarrassed so enough said,
Then, when she became a teen,
She was a beauty queen,
She said “embarrassment is all in the head”.

WHAT THE WINTER SOLSTICE MEANS TO ME

It’s the Winter Solstice and I’m so happy,
The days are short and the nights cold and crappy,
Today I froze off my nose,
My fingers and toes,
My body is peeling and scrappy.

THE TWO CHICKENS TALK LIMERICK

This morning I heard two chickens squawk,
Then, their squawking seemed to turn to talk,
But, what did they say?
Was it goodnight or good day?
I don’t know because they were speaking in hawk.

TOE JAM JEFF

Jeff lives off the fat of the land,
In his old job he was summarily canned,
He made macaroni with bows,
With the jams from his toes,
But, some of his jams were loaded with sand.

WOOD CLOCK FALLS DOWN HAIKU

Wall clock falls down, crash, Splintered wood, glass chards, big mess,
Replaced, clock, plastic.

TAKE TIME TO CASTIGATE THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE LIMERICK

Take time to castigate the ones that you love,
Don’t give them a hand just give them a shove,
Blame them for you troubles,
For the real estate market bubbles,
Your loved ones are in the way of your reward up above.

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It’s Friday the Thirteenth today,
I think that in bed I will stay,
My truck will not start,
I fell on a lawn jart,
And, I was pecked in the head by a jay.

THERE WAS A BITTER MAN

There was a man, who was so vehemently bitter,
He attacked all in family over the media called twitter,
He attacked his cousin the monk,
Said his car-dealer uncle sold junk,
He even said his sister was a poor baby sitter.

I CAN'T REMEMBER ALL THE BOOKS THAT I'VE READ LIMERICK

I can’t remember all the books that I’ve read,
All the movies I’ve seen or the foods that I’ve fed,
All I know is that tomorrow,
Be it joyful or full of sorrow,
My experiences are the guides and so I’m led.l

A NORTH POLE ELF NAMED HANES LIMERICK

There was a North Pole elf named Haynes,
He was in charge of the candy canes,
When the canes would not bend,
And were straight end to end,
He'd eat them though they gave him gas pains.

COME THE GREAT POST APOCALYPSE OF 2012

Come the great post apocalypse of 2012,
I’ll get my meals ready to eat dinners off the shelve,
I will survive many years,
Though I’ll cry many tears,
So, into the past I must resolve not to delve.

2012 WILL SOON BE REVEALED

Soon 2012 will be revealed,
Then, we will know if our fate is sealed,
Should we have fun?
Or, should we run?
Or, will our infirmities be healed.

MY PRESENT FROM SANTA WEIGHED FIFTY POUNDS LIMERICK

My present from Santa weighed nearly fifty pounds,

I figured it was a TV with audio that surrounds,

I opened my present fast to reach my goal,

But, it was just a huge lump of coal,

I guess my naughtiness has been way out of bounds.

 

I WENT TO SELL MY STOCKS ON CHRISTMAS DAY

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day,
For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay,
But, Wall Street was closed,
I was totally hosed,
I’d better skip town right away.

MY MOM HAD A PORCELAIN PIG

My mom had a porcelain pig,
I knocked it on the floor,
When it flew into a million pieces,
Mom through me out the door,

 I then wandered without a home,
My finances were broke,
 I tried to live at the Astrodome,
 The police sent me to the poke,

 I finally found a place to stay,
I was meant all along for jail,
Everyone finds their place someday,
If they cannot raise the bail. ,

I NEED SANTA TO TAKE ME DOWN SOUTH

I'm sitting in the house during a winter storm,
My heats been shut off so I'm not keeping warm,
Oh, Santa bring your sleigh,
And take me far away,
Take me far south where the temperatures are norm.

WHAT LOVING MONEY GOT JILL

Jill loved money so,
Sold stock in a bogus firm,
Owns an island now.

OH TURKEY DAY

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
I think we have a problem,
Though Halloween is far away,
My turkey is haunted by a goblin,

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
My turkey would not get done,
No matter what the instructions say,
My turkey jumped up for a run,

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day,
I guess you shouldn’t cook a live bird,
No matter if fresh turkey is the fad of the day,
The turkey just might have the last word.

SARAH THE LEPRECHAUN

I knew a leprechaun named Sarah,
She lived in the attic of her aunt Clara,
Oatmeal cookies she sold,
Made a big pot of gold,
So, she bought a diamond tiara.