A DEAD PIG THAT SMOKED A CIG

I went on an archaeological dig,

I thought I found a Mummy but just found a pig,

He was wrapped up in fine linen,

And the pig was a grinin'

While smoking a hand rolled big cig.
 

AEROBICS WITH EMILY

Emily signed up to take an aerobics class,

But, the time there seemed it would never pass,

So, for an after-class treat,

Emily went out to eat,

And added a bit more to her mass.

SWIMMING ON THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING

It is the first day of spring and I'd like to go swimming,
But, the lake is froze over so my prospects are dimming,
A cold front is moving in,
So. there is no way I can win,
Except on my ice boat wind skimming.

Fashion Duck went swimming on the first day of spring,
But, it was really cold and he  was froze wing to wing,
He was soon on the very brink,
Of being an iced duck that would sink,
To stay afloat he shed his wallet and his bling.

Old George always went swimming on springs very first day,
He liked to swim clear across the great Sutton's Bay,
But, it was way too cold out this year,
He didn't make it halfway past the pier,
He should be thawed out in the late part of May.

IT IS ST. PATRICKS DAY WAY UP IN CANADA

It is St. Patrick's Day way up in Canada,
When big foot monsters dye themselves green,
Then parade with their kilts and their bagpipes,
And, select a big foot St. Patrick's Day Queen,

It is St. Patrick's day way up in Canada,
When all the leprechauns run far, far away,
Because for the big foots way up in Canada,
Leprechauns, are the main course on St. Patrick's Day.

DAN THE UNWELCOMED

Dan is unwelcome when he shows up at my door,

He raids my liquor cabinet til my liquor's no more,

So, I keep only wine and beer,

Now, Dan won't show up here,

Dan now spends his time at his liquor store.
 

WILLIE PLAYED BASKETBALL

Willie played basketball,
Even though, he was just five feet tall,
He'd go out on the court,
And, was a really good sport,
Although, he never touched the ball at all.

Willie played basketball,
He was short but, gave it his all,
And, nobody cared,
No laughter was spared,
When, poor Willie from the court crawled.
 Willie played basketball,
He was short but, had lots of gall,
Willie tried tripping tall guys.
But, what a surprise,
His efforts received a foul call.

I'M CELEBRATING MARCH FIRST BY EATING

It is finally March the first,

I have filled up on pop and bratwurst,

But, I will find the means,

For some back bacon and beans,

Add sauerkraut and I just might burst.

 

THE YEAR OF THE SNAKE LIMERICKS

PHIL FEARS THE CRITTER OF THE YEAR

Phil fears the year of the snake,
Those critters make him shake and quake,
Bring back the year of the rat,
Phil swings a mean baseball bat,
But, he's not so good with a rake.

　

WHY DO SNAKES HAVE THEIR OWN YEAR?

Why do snakes get a year to themselves?
Gnomes don't and neither do elves,
And, a whole can of Deet,
Won't keep snakes off my feet,
Or, from sleeping on my vanity shelves.

　

DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE BAD MAN

My Wall Street broker was a very bad man,

He stole all my money then, off to Aruba he ran,

Now surrounded by the sea,

He is completly safe from me,

But, for complaining the government put me in the can.

STINKY FISHING

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But, the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And, that’s where my fish catch should stay.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,

I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods,

Down one road a bear growled,

Down the other a wolf howled,

And, down each road laid lots of empty red, riding hoods.

WHAT A RELATIONSHIP

Jen and I fought a world war,

So, I got up and walked out the door,

Then, we each had a good cry,

Thought we'd have a new try,

So, I came back and we fought some more.

 

IT'S NEWS YEARS EVE AND MY GIRL MARY

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary,
Ran off with some dude she called Barry,
Even my pup ran off with some mutt,
Leaving me watching a documentary on the life of king Tut,

I’m so very glad that this year,
Has reached its imminent demise,
I shed not a single tear,
I hope next year I’ll be wise,

No girlfriends for me,
No pets for me anymore,
I’ll cherish the time I am free,
While only myself I’ll adore.

WHY CAN'T I SELL MY STOCKS ON CHRISTMAS DAY?

I went to sell my stocks on Christmas Day,
For I needed to buy presents and no way to pay,
But, Wall Street was closed down,
My family was coming to town,
So, I skipped out of town to L.A.

THE SATIRICAL LIMERICK

The limerick man wrote a limerick in jail,
It was about the high cost of bail,
The judge read it twice,
Raised the bail up thrice,
So, the limerick man still sits on his tail.

MY ONLINE DATE

Karen was a zombie pain,
Because she bit into my brain,
Maybe she tried to flirt,
But, her bite really hurt,
Finding love online is insane.

THE NOVEMBER IDES HAIKU

November Ides? Gee!
Ides? Celebrate? Fear? Party?
Day off? Relax? Great!

OF KITES AND KINGS

The reign of kings and dictates of the state,
Their engine speaks without review of choice,
The masses, millions,live from fate to fate,
Their cries are silenced by the nobler voice.

The technocrats, the learned contemplate,
Their, marbled halls and golden domes so grand,
Their seaside towns where they can recreate,
And, celebrate the powers in their hand.

The millions work and let their leaders play;
No land, no strength, no powers can they sight;
The rich man's clout shall rule beyond today;
The poor mans luck goes crashing like a kite.

The kings by choice, they soar above the ground,
By winds and strings the kites drift ever down.

NOW THAT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME HAS ENDED

Now that Daylight Savings Time has ended,


Getting a game of golf in gets me winded,

I use to make my holes last and last,

But, darkness comes so I play fast.

WHEN SANTA'S JOB IS DONE LIMERICK

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe,
He had just opened up a can of fresh tripe,
His job was now over,
Until the end of October,
But, Mrs. Claus could work; she could type.

A SALMON TEASE NAMED LOUISE

There was a big salmon named Louise,
She swam by the pier for a fisherman's tease,
The baits were never taken,
Until I tried on some bacon,
With lemon I consumed her with ease.

LARRY PLAYED THE HARPSICHORD

Larry played the Harpsichord,
He played it like an English Lord,
He played it his way,
So dull and so gray,
Everyone in the room got board.

THE BANKER NAMED MEL

There once was a banker named Mel,
He was known as the banker from hell,
He stole lots of money,
And thought it was funny,
He retired and lives very well.

THERE WAS A CONGRESSWOMAN NAMED BELLE

There was a Congresswoman named Belle,
She had plenty of favors to sell,
Lobbyists built her a house,
Gave a good job to her spouse,
Now Belle is set up for life quite well.

THE DINGY DONKEY POLITICAL LIMERICK

The dingy donkey had its say,
It kicked and he-hawed until we gave it it’s way,
Now we have to starve,
So steak the donkey can carve,
And serve to elephants and donkeys that pay.

A LIMERICK MADE A BANKER LOOK BAD

A limerick made a banker look bad,
But, the banker got even not mad,
He took the Limerick man’s house,
Bankrupted his spouse,
Now, the Limerick man’s homeless and sad.

THE TALL SHIP SARAH SUE PART I

There was a tall ship named Sarah Sue,
It set sail upon the Great Lakes true,
It carried copper and gold,
And silver I'm told,
It rolled on the waves white and blue.

THE EMPIRE CALLED ROME LIMERICK

There once was an empire called Rome,
It was far, Far East of our home,
It was an empire,
Then it caught on fire,
It melted like it was Styrofoam.

GENEVA AND THE BLUE JAY

A blue jay pecked at Geneva's head,
She swiped at him but, he had fled,
Geneva yelled at that jay,
Things no one should say,
So, back again he came to make a swoop,
He didn't peck her head but left some soup.

BE A WINNER AND GET SOME NOSE HAIRS LIMERICK

George was mad because he could not grow nose hair,
Unlike his wife and his friends his inner nose was just bare,
But, George’s brain got a blood rush,
So, George cut off the bristles of his tooth brush,
George’s nose is real picky but George does not care.

Be a winner and get some nose hairs,
They are pretty in gray or,  brown  or, black pairs,
Don't pull them out with your tweezers,
Let them grow in full like an old geezer's,
People will gawk wishing your nose hairs were theirs.

THERE WAS A SKUNK NAMED AMADEUS

Amadeus the skunk left a stink in the air,
Everyone hated it but, he did not care,
One day when he was alone,
Amadeus began to grown,
He longed for a friend that just was not there.

CHARLIE THE ANT

Charlie was a little ant,
He brought his queen ant sugar,
Once he made a big mistake,
And, brought his queen a bogger.

THE AUTUMNAL EQUINOX

The Autumnal Equinox,
Is it time to play with the clocks?
No, I guess we must wait,
For a new future date,
The confusion should be cursed with a pox.

I have a major motorcycle,
It’s called a Marley 101,
It does not really go any place,
It just looks like I’m having fun,

I have never gotten it even started,
I never heard its majestic engine purr,
But, after coming home late from the beer garden,
It’s sight is a beautiful though silent blur,

Someday soon I’ll be a humming,
Down the street on my Marley 101,
Then the jealousy of other guys,
Will make a backdrop as the girls come.

SEPTEMBER IDES LIMERICK

The Ides of September are here,
This brings us something to fear,
Our gardens grow old,
The wind brings the cold,
The frost makes our nose runny clear.

VETERANS DAY

Today we honor our military vets,
As we have our homes, cars and TV sets,
For their sacrifice we all have a better life,
Without the tyranny and strife,
As our children wait to be passengers to mars,
They are  resting on our hero’s shoulders,
For in protecting the stripes and stars,
We will one day visit those distant boulders.

I FELT SOMETHING SQUISHY BETWEEN MY TOES LIMERICK

Something squished between my toes,
And, then a scent rose up my nose,
The dog from next door,
Soiled on my deck floor,
What’s more, I couldn’t find my hose.

THE LIGHT SABER NAMED LARRY

There was a light saber named Larry,
He married a phase blaster named Sherry,
When they had a son,
He was the top gun,
He had a blast and a great lazar parry.

MY ROOMMATE'S GIRLFRIEND DESTROYED THE EARTH

Although this day was very bright and quite sunny,
I did not find the day to end up very nice,
Because my bad roommate who found it profoundly funny,
Informed me he had infected our apartment with insecticide resistant lice,

He said his latest girlfriend,
Who worked as a biogenetics engineer?
Created a creature that would bring about mans end,
It was a louse prototype that the military found queer,

Now, the creature had escaped its military masters,
But, it had not gone all around the planet earth,
Instead, it came home with its developer’s boyfriend,
And, his roommate’s bodily fluids would nurse the lice after birth,

Now here we lie just all a bleeding,
Our bodily fluids the lice are drinking away,
I know my demise to the lice is proceeding,
Like a 2012 Louse Armageddon Day.

THERE ONCE WAS A NATION NAMED ROME

There once was a nation called Rome,
It was far, Far East of our home,
It was an empire,
Then it caught on fire,
It melted like cheap Styrofoam.

THE LIGHT SABER NAMED LARRY

There was a light saber named Larry,
He married a phase blaster named Carrie,
When they had a son,
He was the top gun,
He had a blast and a great laser parry.

SISSY WROTE A LOVE SONG-LIMERICK

Sissy Wong wrote a love song but she just could not sing,
Sissy tried to sell her song and sang it on the wing,
So Sissy took on a partner,
In the voice of Tammy Gartner,
When Tammy's voice sang the register would ring.

IT IS ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY

It’s Administrative Professionals Day,
It’s cake and coffee to ease the brain,
A management speech from Mr. J.,
He always stares at the clock like he’s insane,

Of course Mildred thinks that she’s the boss,
She’s jealous of Mr. J’s favorite Jane,
Because a month earlier Mr. J gave Mildred the toss,
Mildred blames Jane for causing her pain.

It’s Administrative Professionals Day,
Our kind has a soap opera on every floor,
At least were compensated with better pay,
Then, the guy greeting you down at the door.

JIMMY BUILT HIS HOUSE OUT OF WATTLES LIMERICK

Jimmy built his house out of wattles,
He decorated the indoors with old pop bottles,
But, the wind blew really, really hard,
The house and bottles blew all over the yard,
The snobby neighbors gave Jimmy some throttles.

IT''S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH AND THERES A FULL MOON

It is Friday the 13th and we have a new moon,
My Aunt Belinda is showing up soon,
She’s nothing to dread,
Unless she brings her dog Fred,
He likes to dig till my yard is a dune.

TODAY IN CANADA IT'S EASTER MONDAY

Today in Canada it's Easter Monday,
Down here in the states we only have Sunday,
So, with kind of a scoff,
I called in sick with a cough,
And, made today my errands to run day.

INVESTING IS NOT GOOD SOMETIMES LIMERICK

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

EVIL TWIN LIMERICK

My evil twin was born today,
On April 3rd near the month of May,
To my family he is a blight,
He is our evil black knight,
And, he's in my mirror to stay.

RANDY THE EASTER RAT

Randy was a big tongued Easter rat,
He painted Easter eggs with his tongue so fat,
He made colored stripes of beauty,
Painting eggs he thought a duty,
The Easter Bunny gave Randy a pat.

THE OGRE WITH THE STASH OF CASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak around,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The Thief would run off with a whiplash.

THERE WAS A TUBER NAMED TAYLOR

There was a young tuber named Taylor,
He fancied himself quite the sailor,
His inner tube got a hole,
Then, he lost his atoll,
He sank while trying to bail her.

MY LITTLE CHERRY TREE JUST DIED

My little cherry tree just died,
Although I fondled it and treated it with pride,
Some say it died diseased with scale,
Or from someone’s pee on it's tail,
Homemade  wine on my tree I relied.

I WENT SNOWBOARDING AND RAN OUT OF SNOW

I went snowboarding and ran out of snow,

I then started plunging to the earth far below,

Looks like my snowboard season is done,

I've completely run out of fun,

Coming back next season I don't know.

HOW TO MAKE LIMERICK PIE

In order to make limerick pie,
You must kiss a tadpole on the eye,
There’s rhyme but, no reason,
They are for the ear pleasin’
It’s stupid so just don’t ask why?

THERE ONCE WAS A LIMERICK WRITER NAMED ROY LIMERICK

There once was a limerick writer named Roy,
He thought he was a real limerick boy,
But, the odd topics he chose,
Along with nonsensical prose,
Gave no one any laughter or insight or joy.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN OUT ON MY STOOP

There was a leprechaun out on my stoop,
The little guy sat all in a droop,
For his gold came up missing,
While a girl he was kissing,
It seems the kiss was just a big dupe.

THE IDES OF MARCH WITH A NEW MOON

It's the Ides of March with a new moon,
Don't be shived by Brutus the goon,
Caesar wasn't too bright,
His bud wasn't tight,
Caesars luck ran out really soon.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME ON THE MORROW LIMERICK

The Ides of March come on the morrow,
They bring to us such benign sorrow,
There is no direct threat,
Nor warnings just yet,
We just fear every day called tomorrow.

THE NEW DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME LIMERICK

                                             
                                               There be nothing quite so dangerous and mean,
                                              As when Daylight Savings Time began in 1918,
                                              No one thought it would really matter,
                                              Giving temporal brain cells a scatter,
                                              The changeover is psychologically unclean.

"Senate Sergeant at Arms Charles Higgins turns forward the Ohio Clock for the first Daylight Saving Time, while Senators LOOK ON, SENATE HISTORICA OFFICE1918" Above courtesy U.S. Senate website.

THE EIGHTH OF MARCH BRINGS US A FULL MOON LIMERICK

The eighth of March brings us a full moon,
I’d look but I’d miss my cartoon,
It’s not I don’t care,
But, it’s Sponge Bob and he’s square,
Priorities set my agenda till noon.