FROM COD TO SOD

I am universally known as a fish, cod,

A fisherman caught me with a hook, line and rod,

Now, I'm a cod on a bun,

It is not very much fun,

After digestion, I'll fertilize some grass, sod.

GONDOLIER

I dreamt I was a real gondolier, a gondolier says I, 

I'd sing a song as I pushed along, of love and lullaby,

I made a million gondo trips,

And, paid exclusively from tips,

I know I'll be remembered, because I was a gondola pushing guy,

SOCIAL MEDIA AI TECHIES DO THEIR BEST WORK ON THE TOILET

There are thousands of "lonely", "pretty girls", who want to follow me on the former, Twitter,

They must be awfully lonely, with no self-esteem, because I am vicious, mean and bitter,

Alas, the girls are AI,

Purposed for to corporate spy,

No doubt, these fictions are created by some ambitious tech lad, while sitting on a shitter.

TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE PILLS, OR YOU'LL END UP DEAD LIKE ME

First thing, I forgot to take my morning blood pressure pills,

I ended up cold dead, because of just mundane, life thrills,

A morning fight with my mate,

My subway train was real late,

At my job review, my boss said, I lacked critical skills,

THE CHORUS WITH BADGER BORIS

There once was a badger, he was called Boris,

He sang lead tenor in the forest chorus,

Big Uncle, Bird Buck

Sang baritone duck,

Bass vocals provided by the bull, Taurus.  

I HAVE THE RABIES, SO THIS DOG IS DONE

The kids all have measles, and they have to stay home,

Even poor, old grandpa has spots on his chrome dome,

Most of their doctors, say,

The spots will go away,

But, not so, the dog rabies, that make my lips foam.

DR. DAY AND MR. KNIGHT

I caught severe whooping cough, while sailing out on the bay,

I went to get a prescription from old Dr. Day,

He referred me to Mr. Knight,

Mr. Knight did not seem too bright,

But, Knight prescribed sucking cheese balls, and my cough went away.

6000 POSTS ON LIMERICKS AND STUFF BY LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

I HAVE PUBLISHED 6000 POSTS ON THIS SITE

Thank you for visiting me and making this site an international success.  

I would also like to acknowledge some of my pseudonym names:  Tim Colin, Ted Colin, Mike Colin, Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel and Gerrard. 

Enjoy browsing on this site and others I have created.  My sites are all free to read and browse.  You do not need a subscription to access any posts.  Feel free to use "search" to quickly locate a subject that interests you.

Again, I thank everyone who has over the years, visited this site.  I would not have kept publishing these many years, if it were not for your visitations.

Chum's Corners Townie

I went to the town of Chum's Corners, it is my less than three, <3

It's where I buy my cookies and milk, for my afternoon tea,

Did the pinball arcade,

Sharpened the chainsaw blade,

 Nice day for me and townie ilk, except my sting from that bee. 

PETS IN THE POOL

My piranha pets that I keep in my pool, needed desperately to eat,

I invited over my neighbor to swim; he was loaded with fatty meat,

The big neighbor jumped into the pool,

With the voracious piranha school,

My pets striped the man's bones of fatty meat, from his bald head to his little feet.

PARKER LIKED OYSTERS AND CLAIMS, BUT SNAILS WERE LESS CONFUSING

At the beach, sometimes Parker picked up oysters, sometimes Parker picked up clams,

Sometimes Parker noticed Davids, sometimes parker noticed Pams,

Parker didn't know what to do,

So, Parker said, "toot a loo",

Then Parker went up the beach to pick up snails, all of them were Sams. 

THERE BE SCABIES HERE

My little brother had itchy scabies, they were thick as they could be

I told my brother to stay away, and keep his scabies off of me,

If only took a few,

Now, I'm infected too,

Our mean, crazy sister got away from us by climbing up a tree.

I GUESS I HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME

I guess I have no one to blame,

I missed out at my one chance for fame,

For I rescued a treed kitty,

Said the paper of the city,

But,

 they neglected to correctly spell my name.

32822

I THANK MY BANK LIMERICK

I went to the bank to modify my home loan,
I was offered an ink pen, a coffee, a scone,
Although, many papers I signed,
A few weeks later I'd find,
My interest rate and my debts had both grown.

31822

FINGER STUBS AND MY RECKONING WITH CHOPIN

Chopin cut off all my fingers because of the noise I made,

He said no amount of his lessons would give my talent aid,

Now, with just my 10 finger stubs,

I work at the gym giving rubs,

I fixed Chopin; the last lesson he gave me, I never paid.

VINCENT PLAYED THE SAXOPHONE

Vincent played the saxophone,
He was completely deaf to tone,
He sounded like Jazz,
But, had no pizzazz,
For pay they would throw him a bone.

82821

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

5218

MASTERS OF THE CHEAT: WINNERS IN THE NEW ORDER

No good jobs, no work, no money to survive,

It is tough finding the stuff to stay alive,

But, while my honest soul grieves,

Neighbors rejoice, being thieves,

They spent their lives learning skills to cheat and kanive.

PRETTY ANGEL IN THE SCARECROW

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn,

When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn,

I saw corn bent over, none were straight,

A coming storm, foretold my fate,

A spinning cloud roared through the cornfield, making this scarecrow, unborn.  

42624

THE DRINKING SONG

I drank a soda pop, and was inspired, then I wrote some rhymes,

I sniffed an empty whiskey bottle, then wrote about crimes,

I drank an old, skunky beer,

And, wrote about hunting deer,

I drank a bottle of French wine, and I talked about my French times.

I THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT

I thought I was important, but  according to YouTube, I guess I'm not,

I am not as important as a small pool of blown, green eyed, dimpled snot,

Snot got 1 million likes; snot got 10 million views,

I got zero likes, and my views were in the 2's,

Snot lives in a mansion; I squat in a tent on a dead Kmart, back lot.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

52425

DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But, I couldn't see them looking sad,

So, I gave them lots of money, and sent them to the grocery store.

102122

THE SCIENCE PERSON WHO DISAPPEARED

I think that it's mysterious, diabolical and weird,

I only took one science class, and completely disappeared,

I do not know where I'm at

But, there is this talking cat,

He told me I had polio, at least that is what he heared. 

IN MY DREAM I AI FLY

If I could think like a humanoid AI,

I would be a much wealthier, well dressed guy,

I'd create me a honey,

I'd give my honey money,

We'd eat lobster and around the world we'd fly.

NO PLACE TO BUY FOOD, JUST LAWYERS

I was really happy when I moved to the zip code that ended in 67,

There was a 7-11 store, right next door, so I felt like I was in heaven,

I use to buy my liquor and more,

At the old 7-11 store,

Last month they closed the store, and put in a law office, LEVIN, KEVIN AND BEVIN.

THE VAMPIRE DRINKS ON HOLIDAYS

The ginger boy was frightened, his hair turned from red to gray,

For he saw a wretched vampire, on St. Crispness Day,

The boy watched his sister,

Get a vampire neck twister,

After the vampire drank her blood, he just flew away.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

9823

THE BOUNTIFUL LIFE OF TOILET FLIES

The Flies stay in the bathroom, looking for something good to eat,

The flies smell sweetness in the toilet, and on the toilet seat,

And, under the toilet seat ring,

A feast befitting a fly king,

There's enough for his loyal minions, to feast upon the treat.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance they did rule.

2725

MY KITTY CAT IS BRAT?

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat,

Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat,

At the kitty store,

I bought my cat, Thor,

Thor was so happy, because I bought him a kitty hat.

62924

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

8122

THE LOSER: I NEGOTIATED MY OWN RAISE

I once worked at a tourist diner, way down by the bay,

Tourists didn't tip very well, and I got very low pay,

So, the owner I would always bug,

Until, he gave me a coffee mug,

He let me drink free coffee, that's how he got me to stay.

THE GRISLY BEAR TRACKER

I went hunting and in the snow, I saw tracks so big, it was insane,

I was terribly shocked, and popped a massive vein in my hunter brain,

I knew right then and right there,

I'd be hunting grisly bear,

I stood there many minutes longer, then got hit by a choo choo train.

DEEP DITCH FISHING

In great lakes and great oceans fishermen find their riches,

But, I find my best fishing along roads with deep ditches,

Among the cattails are the muckers,

Those tasty crawdads and blood suckers,

Of course, you must beware so none get into your britches. 

92222

  

APOCALYPSE: GOOD NEIGHBORS OR FOOD INSECURITY

When dad use to go out hunting,  neighbors went missing, but our freezer was full of meat,

Mom spent very little at the grocery store, but we always had plenty to eat.

One day the police came,

Mom and dad had gained fame,

They were both famous for their YouTube channels that showed how to prepare exotic meat.

MY NEIGHBORS ARE PIRATES AND RUN REALLY FAST

Evil porch pirates are at it, frustrating, insane

They're a clog in a toilet that will never down drain,

They grab a box, (a bad habit),

Then, run like scared jacky rabbit

They steal my last suppers, causing me bad belly pain.

APOCALYPSE: 6-7 DAYS LATER

6-7 days into the apocalypse, people will change,

People across the earth will mutate into puss monsters, real strange,

The puss monsters are infected souls,

Oozing puss out through their body holes,

Oozing puss monsters always seem to stop, after a case of mange. 

APOCALYPSE: THE PAPER CHASE

We must mass hoard things to survive an apocalypse death, and survive the odors that are foul,

That means one item must be massively stored, and I'm not talking about the common, paper towel,

I have this one thing inside my head,

Poor hygiene is worse than being dead,

One needs many sheets of toilet paper, to clean up that which is festooned, by a stressed out bowel,

MY SUCCESSFUL UNCLE HOBNOBBER

Uncle Lee needed money, so he took a part-time, pizza delivery job,

Uncle delivered a pizza in Kalamazoo, to a billionaire, named Bob,

Bob said, "dear friend, Lee",

" I will set you free,"

Bob gave my uncle his own pizza place, so that with millionaires he could hobnob.

APOCALYPSE: THE REQUEST FOR AIR

I am preparing for the apocalypse end,

If you are too, then I have made a brand, new friend,

I have some bottled air,

But, I have none to spare,

If you need some, for another friend you must send.

I AM BADGER EDIBLE

I'm glad that badger did not rip off both of my hands, that way I can still feed my chickens,

Too bad that old badger tore up both of my legs; the right leg, it still hurts like the dickens,

The wolverine is much meaner,

But, he cuts through your bones cleaner,

I stay plump by frying my birds in bacon grease, or that badger would of had slim pickin's

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

51322

HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf, so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy me a stogy.

6621

DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

61621

AI TOOK AWAY EVERYTHING, THEN I LOST MY MIND

I was singing in the living room, and felt like a rising concert star,

But, my home is being foreclosed on, and the mean bank repossessed my car,

I was replaced by AI at the junkyard,

Seems the boss put his faith in a robot guard,

I was sad, but went nuts and started concert singing; minds are so bizarre.

WOODSTOVE MELTED PLASTIC FAN, AND MY SHACK BURNED.

My fan got hot and caught on fire,

It was atop my woodstove, which caused the dire,

My melted, plastic fan,

Made great flames and I ran,

My shack was nearly all paid off, now I can't retire.

81622

THE HAPPY MEAN MEMER

I am not a real blogger, I just play one on the internets,

I use to do many blogs, from picture painting to grooming pets,

I use to make some doe,

But, the rules changed, oh woe,

Now, I leave mean memes on other channels, that makes my happy grow.

 

THE BAT AND THE TOY PIANO MAKE BLING

There is a little bat that likes to loudly sing,

After eating some bugs, he will do his sing thing,

He will belt out in soprano,

While I play on my toy piano,

Since we've been on YouTube, we've been showered with bling.

BAD NEIGHBORS GOT TO EAT

All my neighbors are cannibals, and I don't like how they're looking at me,

I try to look unattractive; I don't bathe, so I smell very stinky,

Some neighbors drool over pretty feet,

Others, eyeballs they see as a treat,

When grandpa came visiting, a neighbor bit gramps on his extra wide seat.

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboards delete,
The lines vanished, complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

21822

GRANDMA'S SICK CHRISTMAS BATHROOM HUMOR

Each year to grandma's we all converge,

To set upon our annual family purge,

For eating turkey not done,

Is our little family fun,

Except, add some more bathrooms, we urge.

112421

SENIOR TEETER TOTTER PROFITS

I purchased some adult teetertotters, to rent out to seniors who want thrills,

They can bounce each other fast up and crash down, without stirring up their health ills,

I watch old seniors play,

Every single day,

Once in a while, a senior dies or gets hurt, but the rents pay all of my bills.

QUIGLEY'S FAMILY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE

Quigley's family came from outer space,
They lacked human components like feet and face,
But, the world was fooled,
For the kids were home schooled,
While, the Quigleys dined on the human race.

121920

THE BAND CALLED PARENT TORMENT

Penny played the clarinet,
Phyllis beat the drum,
Patty tooted her french horn,
Mom and dad drank coke and rum. 

12821

VENISON IN SPACE: AN ACCIDENT AT LIGHT SPEED

I flew my flying saucer up into space, leaving the earth far down below,

I had a head on collision, at the speed of light with Santa's sleigh, Oh No!

All of Santa's reindeer got really hurt,

I killed the friendly fat one, they called Bert,

When Santa said he was going to sue me, I told Santa where he could go.

LEGEND OF THE BOOGER BOGGY BEAR

In Michigan's woods, there's a creature that will eat you, before you scare,

This creature was named by early settlers, as the Booger Boggy Bear, 

Many hikers hike while humming,

Not seeing the brute is coming,

The bear seems drawn to humming, his dropped boogers is the sign he was there.

I AM A QUANTUM FIELD WITH NO JOB

According to the internets, I am made up of a quantum field array,

Well, my quantum field got real sick of my old boss, so it quit my job, today,

It will be at home, watching YouTube, with no job,

It will binge eat, and drink, like a fat, quantum slob,

I hope my quantum field finds a way, to lie itself into a job with pay.

BERT AND THE FALLEN ANGELS CHOIR

I saw some falling angels, and they looked like they got real hurt,

They fell from way up high, and hit the rocks, gravel and dirt,

I do not know what the angels did so wrong,

Maybe they sang wrong notes in an angel song,

I went out and met their leader; he said his name was Bert.

I MUST GO, BECAUSE AI SAYS IT'S SO

My intellectual world has all gone awry,

I cannot use my degrees to trade for some hot pie,

When young, I should have learned a trade

Not tech skills, I'd have to upgrade,

I don't have work or food; been replaced by an AI.

MARTIAN DENTISTRY PULLS TEETH

Per the fine print in my corporate, medical, dental , PPO plan,

My PPO plan covers dental, only done by a Martian, named Stan,

Now, Martians have no teeth at all,

Stan pulled mine out, that made me bawl,

But, at least my company has instituted a total smiling ban.

MY QUANTUM FIELD GETS MARRIED

I asked someone to marry me, so we could mix our quantum fields,

If we mix ourselves, our quantum fields, who knows what our mixing yields?

Maybe children who birdie fly?

Maybe they'll have strength, like Popeye?

Maybe they will be bulletproof, and they can act as human shields.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

51722

THE MEME OF FEAR

I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,

Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,

But, I am not going there,

I fear the meme of the bear,

With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams. 

100224

I DELIGHT WHEN MY FRIENDS FIGHT, OVER WATER

I like to find the hottest peppers online, to eat,

I share them with friends; their reactions, my selfish treat,

As their aching mouths grow forever hotter,

So too, their desperation for water,

I set out one small bottle, and watch them kick and beat.

THE HOOD OF HORRORS

I had been in the hospital, in stroke recovery, healing my dome,

Then, into the neighborhood of horrors, I moved to a quiet, new home,

There were no real humans there,

Just demons, everywhere,

They're always trying to get in at night, working crowbars, while drooling foam.

THE PURSUIT OF UNHAPPINESS

On the weekends, I and my wife go separate ways,

She goes shopping, I hit the bar to live in a haze,

It has been like this for many years,

She bleeds my wallet, my eyes bleed tears,

I make big checks with my overtime, that's why she stays.

YOUR FOOD TASTES GREAT, I AGREE, BUT IT OUGHT TO BE FREE

I came from another universe that was far away

J love the taste of your bacon, that is why here, I stay,

I love your hot chicken wings,

And, your other hot, saucy things,

Great food, but wherever I go, someone insists I pay. 

MY FAIRY FAYE TALE

I went down to Alabama, to meet my Fairy Faye,

She was so dog gone pretty that I married her in May

She had a dog named Quincy Cones, his thoughts were rather dark,

He would much rather bite you first, before he'd bark, bark, bark, bark,bark,

Fairy Faye had a mommy, her daddy was long dead,

But, he would often haunt her, that's why she wet to bed,

Dead daddy played the fiddle, in life that was his thing,

In death he plays the fiddle, while demons dance and sometimes sing,

Fairy Faye and I grew old,

We had no babies, no kids hold,

Fairy Faye died, and I buried her bones,

Beside her ma, and pa and Quincy Cones.

THE WEREWOLF WITH THE HAIRY PALMS

 Handsome Jimmy woke up, and both of his long, soft palms were all hairy,

It was the night of the werewolf, when by moon light, Jimmy turns scary,

He howled at the full moon,

Knew he'd be dining soon,

Jimmy had to pick from his three best friends, Marry, Carrie or Larry.

THE LIFESTYLES OF THE WORKING POOR

My kid got a cheap kite for May Day, I can't afford a drone,

Money is really tight, I can barely afford a cell phone,

These are real bad, economic days,

There are lots of jobs, but nothing pays,

If the kids don't get jobs after school, we'll all be skin and bone.

IT'S LATE STAGE CAPITALISM, FOR ME

I was competing with the restaurant, located across the road,

Their specialty was deep fat fried crawdads, my specialty was raw toad,

The crawdad restaurant got a five star,⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

I lost my my home, restaurant and car

I'm squatting in a dumpster, until they dump it with Wednesday's load.

PLAIN FISH OR FISH DIPPED

I went out to sea in a little, tiny, sailboat ship,

I made friends with a nice, chatty dolphin, his name was Flip,

We always ate fresh fish,

From the same plastic dish,

The dolphin ate his plain, but I preferred an onion dip.

I DID NOT KNOW BEARS ATE FRUIT FOR DESERT

I was real hungry, when I caught a baby chipmunk in my baby chipmunk snare,

The baby chipmunk begged me not to eat him; his little body, I did a spare,

Along came a grisly bear,

He grabbed me by my hair,

I begged him not to eat me, but he feasted on my body, then enjoyed a pear.

THE CLOWN WITH GINGIVITIS

The happy fat clown had gingivitis,
His smile could no longer delight us,
He was fired today,
Given no severance pay,
On the way out, he tried to bite us.

9322

MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

22623

CURSE OF THE FLY

I am a big, fat, ugly house fly, I fly around inside your house,

I spread many infectious diseases, between you, your kids and spouse,

I spread diarrhea and the itch,

And, brain diseases that make you twitch,

You wouldn't believe the stuff I spread, from that dead critter you found, called mouse.

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them I kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

102323

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
For she's the queen of fair game wreckers.

62622

 

OYSTERS OR CLAMS, LIONS OR RAMS

Randy went to a restaurant, but did not know if he liked oysters or clams,

Randy ordered both, ate half of each, then bagged the rest to take to best bud, Sam's,

Randy had been very confused that day,

His rabbit and gerbil had run away,

Randy could not pick which football team to bet on; choice was Lions or the Rams.

DUMPSTER DIVING FOR FOOD? I EAT IN THE BAR

I walked into a bar serving free, salty popcorn, but nothing else to eat,

The free popcorn was served to all embalmed patrons, so they could drive down the street,

I didn't buy a single drink,

But, I acted drunk as stink,

Nice dinner; the salty popcorn tasted much better than any dumpster meat.

LIVE AT THE COUNTRY OF THE BLIND BAR, GRILL & TAKE-OUT

I went to the "Country of the Blind," where the one-eyed man, he sings,

But, he didn't sing for nothing, and you had to pay with blings,

So, all my golden jewelry including my piercings and my rings,

I gladly turned it over, and the one-eyed man sings things,

The one eyed-man sings country western, while on tiny bells he dings,

Lastly, the one -eyed man walked off stage, and on his bag of gold, he clings.

112921

 

THE FOOD POISONING LIMERICK

My jar of pickles was suspiciously fizzy,
I ate just one pickle and became really dizzy,
I became violently ill, 
From that pickle with dill,
And, made the emergency room awfully busy. 

31617

BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.

112525

THE ARTIST WITH MOOD

Hannibal came from Hamtramck,
His paintings are moody, dynamic,
He's been spray painting clowns,
All angry with frowns,
He stopped taking his meds now he's manic.

72423

CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

9924

QUANTUM TUNNELING: POOR HARRY

When quantum tunneling, we take pride,

Through solid walls, like magic, we slide,

Except Harry; he got stuck; he died,

What we could retrieve, we did not hide,

It was closed casket, for what was inside.

SAGA OF THE NINETY-NINE MINNOWS

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea,
Then along came a shark, and then there were three,
Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam back toward the shore,
Then, along came a bass, and he ate one more,
The last two little minnows decided to date,
They made ninety-nine minnows, and I caught them for

 bait. 

111223

MOMMY AND DADDY: BAD GRACES

I foolishly told mama she was looking grandma, old,

She ratted me out to daddy, who gave  me a daddy scold,

That put small puddles in both my eyes,

So, a make up plan, I did devise,

I claimed I had a bad disease, a wheeze and sniffles cold.

TWO MILLION DOLLARS: TWO CLOCKS AND ONE DOG

I painted a picture of two old clocks and one dog,

It was quite a bit off, because I had too much grog,

In fact, the dog looked like ma,

The clocks like pa and grandpa,

It sold for two million, I call the painting, "Grog Fog".

SOMETIMES OYSTERS, SOMETIMES CLAMS

Freem likes to make his choices; sometimes Freem likes oysters; sometimes Freem likes clams,

Every Friday there's a yummy seafood party, at The House Of Sam's,

Sam's is an eatery treat,

They have shellfish, no red meat,

For the big, rare, red meats, crossover the street to the nightclub called Bam Bam's.

THE BAD HUBBY BLUES

My wife said I was a bad hubby, and she gave me the boot,

My wife said, it was my drinking, that was the problem, the root

She took the keys to the car,

I had to walk to the bar,

Where I consumed so many sweet bitters, I didn't give a hoot.

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So, I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

1223

BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

112623

SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And, four cheese macaroni,

And, a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

12323

A DRAGON NAMED BILL

There was a dragon named Bill,
His roar would give all a chill,
But, when he would tire,
He’d loose all of his fire,
Then, he’d stand there perfectly still.

5623

DEATH, SOLD BY A SALESMAN

I am getting married to my big, pregnant, college sweetheart, Maggie in May,

I am doing it, because her daddy gave me a job, working in the day,

To make stinking rich your widowed wife,

I'll sell you insurance on your life,

If my sales career takes off, I'll buy a family sized condo, on the bay.

MY GENTLE TENDER FOOT AND I

My gentle, tender foot and I,

Loved to go up, up, up, and fly,

We flew a round balloon,

That rose like a full moon,

One day, we crashed hard, but didn't die.

41724

CONTAMINATED GROCERIES, NOW MY CLOTHES MIGHT FIT

Bugs have laid eggs in my food, because my windows have no screens,

That is why I have those maggots, swimming in my pork and beans,

There is a fuzzy worm,

He's chewing my wheat germ,

Maybe I should just diet, at least I'll fit my skinny jeans.

8624

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

52225

YOUR MAMA SAID THERE WOULD BE DAYS LIKE THIS

I went into the deep, dark web, and did some doomscrolling, and boy did I find the doom,

So, I bought more bottled water, and aluminum foiled my whole bedroom, 

I worked out the kinks,

In my solar power links,

I hope I get the iodide pills I ordered, before the first big, bad bomb goes Boom!

GEORGE WENT FISHING WITH SOME LEECHES-Limerick

George went fishing with some leeches,
Baited them like daddy teaches,
George got a bite,
But, didn't hold on tight,
Tonight He's eating peaches.

91222

MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad, sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

101621

SHE BE MY DINOSAUR

My dinosaur, she ran away,

To the park, where she could play,

She drank some pond water,

Sat on the teeter-totter,

Then, slid down the slide; rest of day.

32523

THE CHESS BET IN THE HOOD

I found an old chess board, and some chess pieces; enough to make a set,

I setup the game in my hood, and played anyone who'd make a bet,

I took their cash, and made so much money,

When people lost, their eyes went tear runny,

Some got real mad and said to me, they were sorry we had ever met.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

112723

FINDING LOVE AND REVENGE IN THE POOL

I use to have a social problem, because I liked to drool at school, 

Once you are flagged as a drooler, other kids do not think you are cool,

I went to therapy,

Didn't do much good, you see,

At school, I fell in love with a drooler, while both drooling in the spool.

TODDLER TRINA GOES SNIFFING

I dreamed that Trina with her little pug nose,

Went outside for sniffing, and she found a small primrose

Inside, Trina sniffed the carpet on the stairs,

She sniffed grandpa's gross, long, ear hole hairs,

Then she found our bluetick hound, and sniffed between his toes.

APOCOLYPSE COW

I was sleeping on the ground, when awakened by an apocalypse cow,

It was trampling on me, and my internal organs were bleeding out, ow,

I have been killed by a lowly, old cow, I fear,

Not a raging bull; nor a cantankerous steer,

After my bones were all busted, I was eaten by a glutinous sow.

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

101421

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS

It's the holiday known as "April Fools",

It's the day they close down all the schools,

Daddy locks up his power tools,

Mommy reminds us of house rules,

But puppy, he just farts and drools.

THE FADING CLONES

It is for my great species, uber humiliating,

I am a clone suffering from replicative fading,

Soon, our species will be no more,

Just dying tissues on the floor,

If we weren't cloned in a beaker, we'd be planet invading.