THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Vanderbilt was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

ASTRONAUT FLAGELLANT GAS

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses,

Which disturbed the gravitational masses,

So, they sent me out the airlock,

Where the supply ships come to dock,

Where I'll stay until all the disturbance passes.

ODE TO THE 100 ROCKBASS

100 rock bass were on the highway flopping, 

No vehicles showed respect by swerving or stopping,

So, as the fish were smeared over the road,

I composed them an ode,   

In rhythm to the rock bass bladders popping. 

JOHN'S COLORED GUN POWDER COLLECTION

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty,

He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty,

But, John's chosen display space,

Was over his wood-stove fireplace,

They found John's body but, just a bitty.

MY GROCER, HIGH PRICES AND ME

I went to the grocer but his prices were high,
I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly,
The grocer said, "my costs have gone wild,
I built a new mansion that's styled,
My builder gave me a similar reply."

ELECTION GOAL LIMERICK

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

THE BLUE SKY RAIN BLUES

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue,

There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue,

But, right overhead,

An air plane had just shed,

It's potty water, I rue.    

A VAMPIRE IN MY CARPET

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites,

I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites,

I went to my doctor and asked what had bitten me so bad,

He said they were baby vampires and, vampire bites was what I had, 

Then, I died and became a baby vampire living in carpet on the floor,

Now, I bite bare feet all day and live for nothing more,

It would not be so bad but, the bare feet most often smell,

So, I'm a baby vampire living in an aroma haunted hell. 

WATER UNDER THE MOP

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop,

So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop, 

But, the water seemed thick,

And, my floor tiles waned sick,

As floor tiles gave us a direction to pop. 

COFFEE RATS

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown,

And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown,

Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor,

Like feces, not to savor,

For a drink I have to give it thumbs down.

    

PREDICTABLE FARM

I did not spray the almond tree,

I did not wash the goose,

I did not pick the tomato worms,

I did not spay the spruce,

I think the corn is truly dread,

I think the squash yields are cruel,

But, I think measures should be left unsaid,

For, they are only a farmer's tool.

MACARONI AT DINNER'S BELL

If you want friends at dinner's bell,

Then, choose your macaroni well,

And, if you really want to please,

Use a tomato sauce and cheese,

Mama's secret that you can't tell.

THE FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION LIMERICK

My magazine subscriptions have run amok,

I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck,

Now, stress thoughts start to hover,

For my funds will not cover,

My mag bills; I'm such a dumb cluck.   

THE THEATERATRICA THEATER WAS TORN DOWN

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground,

Turned into pavement for the local dog pound,

And, all those memories stored,

Were destroyed board by board,

With all the talkies and movies without sound.

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,

I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,

I raced in high school,

And, was a laughing stock tool,

So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,

We all carouse to feed our id,

We also binge eat,

Pizza with cheese/meat,

Sucking soda through plastic lid.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,

To pick me a sack full of dill,

For I had sour pickles to can,

And, bought dill was a ban,

For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,

Now the fungi come a callin',

Fungi are aggressive dears,

Who grow big obtrusive ears,

While fungi sup I will be ballin'. 

THE MASTER OF THE SING-SONG TAP

I once was a masterful dancer of tap,

My best work I did to the music of rap,

But, then something went wrong,

When, music all went sing-song,

Sing-song I couldn't tap worth a crap.

THE TEMPEST ROUND THE POSIES CAUSED ME TO KNIT COZIES

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies,

But, there was a tempest around all of my posies,

And, what could I do?

I hadn't a clue,

So, back inside I went to knit cozies.  

THE SOUR-SWEET PICKLE GETS SUED

The pickle made a false statement,

It said that it was sweet,

But, when I bit into it,

It was so sour, what deceit! 

So, I sued the pickle for malfeasance,

And, fraud according to law,

But, the whole thing was completely dismissed,

When, the case was moved to Wichita.

I AVOID SQUIRRELS WHEN THE ACORNS ARE EMPTY

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out,

The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout,

Next, they were looking at me,

Like I'm a steak lettered "T,"

So, I've winter and won't be out and about, 

ONLINE BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

I did back to school shopping all of it, online,

I got the stuff and it was just fine,

Overall, it took only two days,

The time saved really pays,

Yet, the traditional hassle in stores I did pine.

THE WONDERS OF AGING

I could not save my hair today,

No cold creams rubbed my wrinkles away,

My mental state?

I'm confused of late,

And, I lost another tooth today.

  

DIGGER DOG THE POTATO POOCH AND HIS MASTER SCARAMOUCH

Digger Dog the potato pooch,

Dug potators for his master's hooch,

Hooch made the master thrilled,

One of the actor's guild,

Who played every day Scaramouch.

SPEEDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY LIMERICK

Speeding down the highway I did swerve,
Forming a geodesic curve,
Things became tense.
There was suspense,
But, lying helpless I showed nerve.

THE POEM OF THE BAD BOOZE

I had a whiskey that was brown,

I had a whiskey that was clear,

I had a whiskey that was a rusty haze,

Then, my kidneys kicked into high gear, 

I had some wine that was red,

I had some wine that was white,

I had some wine that was blue,

And, now I've lost my sight,

I had some beer that was green,

I had some beer that was brown, 

I had some beer that was black,

Now, I reside in coffin town. 

BIG SHIP WANNABE

My boat was a dingy and it floated away,

I forgot to secure it at the dock in the bay,

And, wherever it be,

I hope that the sea,

Takes care of the big ship wannabe.  

THE STEAMY OUTHOUSE AND THE BROOK

In the early morn when the mind is still dreamy,

The outhouse sat all quiet and steamy,

It sat by a quaint brook,

A nice place to read book,

But, during floods the floor would get streamy, 

THE THEFT OF MY ONLINE DEVICE

I do not think it very nice,

That someone stole my online device,

Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s,

From the A's to the Z's,

And, all my friends have all been trolled twice.

TO MY PATRONS AS i RETIRE

If you have some problem then,

Come and visit me, 

For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks,

I might have some comfort there for thee.

TEN TO THE POWER OF NINETY-NINE

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten,

Thought a good fight would prove they were men,

So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine,

They stood up to a gang numbering ninety plus nine,

Dim-bulb's gang was destroyed showing the finality of Zen.

IN THE CRAWLSPACE I MADE A CRAWL

In the crawlspace I made a crawl,

That's where I found my best haul,

I found some old toys,

That brought me back ancient joys,

Of siblings and each possession brawl.

A TALE OF TWO BERRIES

In the garden there was a lonely blackberry vine,

It found a vine of raspberries and there was an intertwine,

The resulting affair,

Caused new generations to bear,

Raspblackberries which made an exquisite wine. 

THE BLUE ANGELS OVER GRAND TRAVERSE BAY LIMERICK

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly,

The Blue Angels way up in the sky,

And, although they make one proud and happy,

Their stunts can make your shorts crappy,

It's sad to see them go but, bye bye. 

I'LL HAVE MY FIREWORKS

I have so little change in my back pants pocket,

I cannot buy a fireworks rocket,

From my job I had to resign,

My credit's in decline,

For fireworks I sold my wife's antique locket.

MICHIGAN THE MITTEN

While at the kitchen table sitin',

Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten, 

But, there's no fingers to count,

For a five finger discount,

So, I guess you'll get what you're gettin'.  

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK II

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Everyone with a cell phone,

And, Gorgon was bold,

She turned some to gold,

If they ate an ice cream cone.

GOALS IN THE MIST

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do,"

Things done before and things that are new,

And, we all make a list,

Goals in the mist,

But, when counted our achievements are few.

THE BAKER'S LIMITS

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day,

I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play,

I can knead ten loaves of bread,

Before my arms feel like lead,

And, with eight pastries I've filled up my display. 

THE BULGING DRIVEWAY

My concrete driveway is not at all flat,

In the middle it bulges up fat,

And, the ends are so thin,

About as thick as a pin,

They crumbled with just a foot pat.

ODE TO THE FOOD CHAIN ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROAD

Over there on the far side of the road,

There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad,

The crawdads are in the fish's belly,

In the toad's guts the fish gets smelly,

And, the toad's in the snake's jaws went the ode.

 

REMEMBERING MOM

Painting, pottery,

Rock garden, lily, iris,

My mom was once here.

THE TYPEWRITER BLUES LIMERICK

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose,

A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose,

But, along came the tech,

So, I said what the heck,

Now, I pine for my typewriter with blues. 

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Every singing baritone,

And, every soprano,

Backed up by piano,

Sang like bangs on a xylophone.

THE VENISON MAN

I have venison in my freezer, 

I have venison on my grill,

I've dried venison,

I've canned venison,

I've powdered venison and made a pill,

I eat venison for breakfast,

I eat venison for lunch,

I eat venison for supper,

And, the funny meal called a brunch,

I give venison to my friends,

I give venison to people I hate,

I give venison away at Christmas,

I serve venison on a first date,

My life revolves around venison,

I spend all day hunting deer in the woods,

At night I peruse Lord Tennyson,

Snacking on venison mixed with dry goods.

ROUGH TETHERBALLER

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport,

Then on TV I'd be on report,

For I always win,

I'd kick tall guys in the shin,

The rest? I'd ply them with French port.   

THE CUTWORM MADE ME EAT ICE CREAM

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants,

And, left the tops to wither and die,

Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants,

I began to cry and cry,

I planted those plants for a reason, 

To have tomatoes for my tomato soup,

Now, I'll have to just eat ice cream,

And, I don't have an ice cream scoop.    

I MET THE BEARS IN ALASKA

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears,

I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs,

But, they were up to no good,

They chased me into the wood,

I guess they thought all creatures with meat, were theirs.

GATOR CHOICES

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato,

But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator,

Now, the alligator was small,

But, my menu amounts was tall,

So, I changed my menu to chicken/tater.

THE UNEMPLOYED SHEPPARD

There weren't many spots on that leopard,

That made me unemployed as a Sheppard,

For he slew all of my sheep,

Left me nothing to keep,

Just mutton I ate after I peppered. 

GUEST POPULATION CONTROL VIA DINO APPETITE

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner,

Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner,

He might traumatize,

But, it would be no surprise,

If your guest population became thinner. 

 

TIKI TORCH AND THE BEAR

My tiki torch burned down real low,
Until it was just a tiki glow,
But, it made mad a big bear,
For the tiki fouled his clean air,
And bear claws gave my tiki such woe.

MY FISHING LINE GOT CAUGHT UP IN A TREE

My fishing line got caught up in a tree,

I haven't done that since I was two or three,

My dad would retrieve the line with an ax,

But, now I will wane and not wax,

Indeed, A chainsaw works better for me.

THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,

For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,

Of course it was not a good day,

For my boat sailed away,

And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,

He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,

 And, for twenty-one days,

In the war's horrendous haze,  

"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,

For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',

But, Bunyan spit way too far,

Hit the Dutch Royal Car,

It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,

I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 

But, what is a dream?

Just a play with no scheme,

Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,

A little turtle just might sink,

And, while diving deep,

He just might sleep,

And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,

You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,

But, while in my stomach lying,

That last tuna was really crying,

Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.