REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

FROM STRING CHEESE TO TREE BARK: MY FINANCIAL DECLINE

I went to buy some brand new string cheese,

The high price dropped me down on my knees,

Prices got high in the store,

I am now inflation poor,

I'll try eating some bark off the trees.

MY KID THE CHEF, NOT

I thought I was eating some really fine, stringy noodles,

Turns out, I was slurping the hairs of my little poodles,

I didn't have a hunch,

My kid made my lunch,

I should have opted for two blueberry, toaster strudels.

FROSTBITE, SCENT AND ROSES

Everyone in my town, has had severe frostbite of the nose,

They all had their snoggers cut off, before their high school picture pose,

Town folk aren't very nosey,

But, we still sniff the rosey,

We also, have problems standing, because the-cold bite takes our toes.

MY TREAT: THE BADGER DROPPED HIS MEAT

I found a small sliver of meat, when I went out my back porch door,

That badger must or left it, when he murdered that squirrel, at four,

It was a special treat,

I had something to eat,

But the only flavoring I had, was a bitter apple core.

THE TERMINATOR AI, MADE ALL MY KIDS CRY

I received an email today, and it bid me goodbye,

It said that I got termed by the corporations AI,

I called a family meeting,

Made sure all were firmly seating,

I announced the bad news, which made everyone, eye cry.

GOODBYE TO PORCH PIRATES; I GOT MINE

I went to the pirate's perch to see if I could get back my stuff,

It's an apartment over a bar, where porch pirates drink and puff,

Many lads were there,

But I did not care,

I took my goods while all stepped aside;  I work out and I am buff.

RANDY RED NECK AND THE PIRATE'S PERCH

Onto my left breast, I pinned a shiny tin star,

I'm tracking porch pirates, down the street with my car,

Many sidewalks, far away,

I found where pirates, do stay,

An apartment, above Randy Red Neck's Grill-Bar

GARGOYLE GONE

My gargoyle went out on the big lake,

My very best, darn row boat, he did take,

I called him, " come back home",

He was headed towards Rome,

Maybe, a few hundred years, he will take.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Panicked, I quickly called my scam, stockbroker on the phone,

I was mad, so confused, and felt entirely alone,

My tech investments were lost,

My life's labors, the cost,

All I got was the sound of silence, then a dial tone.

I'M CSP: COLD, SICK AND POOR

My stock portfolio, it went away,

My old polio, got much worse today,

I'm so cold and defeated,

Can't afford to get heated,

More cruel times will follow, until May.

I GIVE SNOWMEN THE BOOT SALUTE

When winter snows start their blowing,

My bad attitude starts showing,

I hate snowmen,

I kick them in,

Spring grass, I'd rather be mowing.

EGGS: BEAKS, LEGS AND EYES

I always drive over to Canada, to buy the best breakfast eggs,

Their nice, big eggs don't have little chickens inside, with beaks, eyes and legs,

While eating tater chips with ridges,

I must drive over two long bridges,

Of course, when I come back from Canada, I'll smuggle in a few beer kegs.

UP THE RIVER SMORES .

I canoed up the river, and I got very tired and soar, 

I did not make it to town, so I took a camp upon the shore,

Found an old, torn, rubber tire,

Toasted marshmallows over fire,

Along came a big bear, and he toasted and ate me like a smore.

MAMA SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS...

Benny had a chocolate bar, in the back pocket of his white pants,

Benny wanted to go birthday party, with mama, cousins, and aunts,

But the dark bar melted in the back,

Looked like a diarrhea attack,

Benny still wants to birthday party, but his mama says, he can'ts.

THE WINTER OF OUR REAL HIGH RENT

Our search for employment, did not go well,

We've run out of blood, and assets to sell,

Our landlord was unkind,

Said the rent we must find,

By the 1st stroke of the Sunday church bell.

BIRTH OF AI SALESMAN

I got a knock on my front door, and it was a pushy, AI,

It was selling life insurance, and said it was my time to buy,

It said AI knows all,

I had better not stall,

It was bad news, which upset my nana, and she started to cry.

MY PET GROUNDHOG

My pet ground hog does not feel well,

He slipped on the ice and down he fell,

So, I put him to bed,

After being well fed,

Then he had bad dreams and awoke with a yell.

8622

THE BAD SAUCE TOSS AND AFTERMATH.

I had some greasy fried chicken delivered to my door,

It was good, so I ordered greasy fried chicken, once more,

Raunchy, spoiled was that chicken sauce,

I gave the chicken the toilet toss,

Since then I have been hungry, but my puking guts are soar.

I WENT TO WORK AFTER MY DINNER GUESTS WERE GONE

There were 35 dead flies on my sesame seed bun,

I know, because I counted every wire-winged one,

The many flies and stale bun had to go,

They went into the compactor of woe,

I went driving into work, under a rising, red sun.

TOMMY, MOMMY, ORIGAMI

When starting out and leaving home, whether you're a Tina or a Tommy,

You must begin looking for a rich, sugar daddy or sugar mommy,

Then ask them for a nice sports car,

An apartment, close by, not far,

Then make them cheap gifts, showing them you care, like clay pots or origami. 

COFFEE PRICES ARE ROCKETING TO MARS🚀

I went to the grocery store to buy coffee to drink,

When I saw the new coffee pricing, my heart did a sink,

I sold my plasma and blood,

To afford my coffee, mud,

Before my next buy, I'll be selling my plumbing and sink.

THE COW THAT BITES FOR RIGHTS

Karen the mad cow, she always bites,

Anyone she observes wearing tights,

It's offensive to her,

If you are not wearing fur,

It's like trampling on her bovine rights.

95 URINALS AND A STREAM BY THE CAR

There were 95 urinals, all in a neat row,

But there were no toilet bowels, for the sitters to go,

But not very darn far,

Was a stream by my car,

Of course, could one make it that far, one just doesn't know.

PORCH PIRATES ALWAYS WIN

Porch pirates were active during the night,

I now have no morning breakfast to bite,

I am one hungry dude,

They stole all of my food,

Alas, there's too many of them to fight.

MACARONI TONY AND THE WISHBONE

Hi everyone, most people know me to be Tony,

On every Saturday, I make much macaroni,

It is a delicious dish,

I share with my girl,Trish,

On Sunday, we have turkey, then we split the wish-boney.

ART, I'M NOT LOCKED IN

I took some local art classes, and what did I find?

The other students were critics, and they were unkind,

I complained to the teacher,

She was a mean creature,

She said that my artwork, smelled like her dead cows behind.

WHALE, ALPHA, MALE AND YOU FAIL

When swimming amongst creatures known as, whale,

The alpha one has the much longer tail,

Watch where the tails splash,

They can squash you to hash,

If you try to out swim whales, you will fail.

IT WAS EAR POPPING COLD

After Benny played outside in the cold snow,

His nose got so stuffed up, Benny could not blow,

The blowback popped his ears,

Then he shed many tears,

As off to the hospital, he had to go.

WHEN GRANNY LOST HER SSI

I took grandma outside, and fed her to the wolverines,

Grandma had lost her government check, so she had no means,

The hungry wolverines done fed,

On grandma's torso and her head,

Grandma couldn't stay with me; she'd want a share of my canned beans.

COLD

It got so extremely cold, my collie dog could not make a bark,

It got so cold, my electric car battery, died in the dark,

My plastic, bottled tea,

Froze, and the tea burst free,

I laid down on my warm bed, and on my heating pad, I did park.

A MEME COIN ROMANCE

If I had some meme coins, I'd spend them on beautiful you,

On your big round red nose, and your eyes, so watery-blue.

I'd buy you a pancake,

With syrup and ham bake,

I'd buy you a hot coco, that had marshmallows for two.

MY MARKET ANALYSIS OF MY MEME COIN COINS

The meme coins I bought are not doing so well,

I thought when I bought them, my small wealth would swell,

As my meme coins go under,

I just have to wonder,

If my meme coin coins, will be saved by the bell.

I WISH UPON THE SERPENT

There is a big, mighty, green sea serpent, and his name is Moe,🐉

He swims alongside everywhere, my little boat will go,🚣

Sometimes I get rowboat tired,

I then wish the beast, whom I've admired,

Would push or pull my boat along, so I would not have to row..

BAD PIG DIDN'T FLY, DIDN'T TRY

I had my pig and thought I'd experiment, try,

To get my pig to become airborne, and to fly,

I hauled my pig up a tall tree,

Before I shoved him, he shoved me,

When I hit down on the ground, I began to cry.

TIME PIECES, DEFECTIVE

My broken bedroom clock is not right twice a day, because it has no hands,

My old hour glass, it tells no time, because it leaked out all of its sands,

My beautiful sundial,

Is right once in a while,

Only in winter when there is sun, because under an oak tree it stands.

TWO PEG LARRY, AND THE BIG BULL SHARK

I got attacked by a big bull shark, and he chewed off both of my legs,

My best buddy Rusty, found some hickory, and whittled me two pegs,

They call me Two Peg Larry,

Little kids think I look scary,

I can't get any job, so outside the bar, I sits, I whines, I begs.

SOCIAL MEDIA, BEEF, KIDS AND MAGGOTS

I opened my refrigerator, and maggots were eating my beef roast,

J wondered how the maggots tasted, so I ate some on my buttered toast,

They were more crunchy than I thought,

They had flavors, I often sought,

I fried some maggots to feed the kids, their reactions I will upload, post.

THE SUN DOES NOT HAVE TO RISE, HEMMINGWAY

I went out to see the amazing new sunrise, but it did not rise too high,

It only rose a little bit, and the sun started to fireball cry,

The sun said he was running away,

Not to look for him on the nest day,

Seems Beetle juice, the lover, served the sun a restraining order, oh my!

HE'S IN MY TRAILER AND IN THE WRONG STATE, TOO

There is one big, crazy, Northern Michigan polar bear,

He sneaks into my old trailer, and gives my kids a scare,

I warned the bear to stop,

Or, I'd give him a bop,

He ate me, so I guess he does not, and never will care.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE, OUCH!🚀

It came from outer space, and it stuck me with it's sharp pickers,

It stabbed my pretty face, so I was quick to become sickers,

Within the hour,

I felt the power,

I went Martian, and started to stick people with my stickers.

DON'T POP PIMPLES WHILE RIDING ROCKETS

My little spaceship got real crushy, when I hit an asteroid,

I remember mommy telling me, asteroids I should avoid,

But when relaxing out in space,

Popping them pimples, on your face,

Sometimes you don't see those rocks, until their resting beneath your roid.

THE CREEPY LITTLE HOMINID, THINKS I'M HIS UNCLE LEE

There is a little hominid, and he thinks I'm his Uncle Lee,

I am clearly a spider monkey, a spider monkey, I be,

I do not walk on two hind legs,

I swing through trees, and eat bird eggs.

We're not at all the same species, we differ genetically.

GOATS ON THE WATER ATTACK

My trailer was surrounded by mean, billy goats,

They came ashore at the lakefront, in motor boats,

I knew I couldn't win,

As they chewed the tin,

They ate the trailer, and stuff I stored in my totes.

DON'T CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF, WHEN YOU TRIM YOUR BEARD

I tried wearing a real long, silvery beard,

It was shiny and looked unnatural, weird,

It made me cough,

I cut it off,

I cut my finger, and my eyes really teared.

THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS YOUR NEPHEW

There was an obese hominid, living in my maple tree,

He said that I was his uncle, he then called me, Uncle Lee,

I said, "that can't be,

It's science, you see,

Because you're an ugly hominid, and I'm a cute monkey."

ME, THE WEAVE AND OFFICER STEVE

When I drive down the street, I like to do the weave,

That's why I got arrested by Officer Steve,

He said I looked pale,

He put me in jail,

I had to pay lots of bail, before I could leave.

BENNY AND THE LITTLE FUGUE

Benjamin played the Little Fugue by J. S. Back,

He uploaded it to the app they call Tic Tok,

They say, Benny played pretty good,

On his recorder, made of wood,

Benny performed in a row boat, tied to a dock.

MR. POE, MADE ME KNOW, WHAT I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW

At 13, I read a horror story, by Eddie Poe,

The story was so scary, I could not walk, I couldn't go,

It frightened, so bad,

When I was a lad,

I wish the story I never read, and would never know.

LEACHES, PEACHES AND UNIVERSE X

I moved to a parallel universe, and the creatures there were leeches,

The only food that I could find there, were the leeches and jar-canned peaches,

Peaches were a special treat,

Leaches were a funny meat,

I found a recipe book, and combining weird foods is what it teaches.

SHE WENT FROM BEAN TO MEAN, MY MAYBERRY-DEAN

My sassy, little monkey's name was Mayberry-Dean,

She ate all her dinner, but got gassed up by the bean,

We made her stay ten feet away,

Until the start of the next day,

When she got done being gassy, then she was real mean.

PORCH PIRATE SUPPER WITH FRIENDS, NOT

My neighbor made some delicious, pirate soup,

It came from canned goods, he stole off someone's stoop,

He also stole some bread,

Wanted crackers, instead,

Then came knocking at the door, the police troop.

MY MONEY MEMES

I'm investing money in those political memes,

It's just like buying chocolates, full of sugar creams,

You could taste, pickle sour,

Then taste a sweet flower,

I'm making billions and billions, in my greedy dreams.

THE GRISLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grisly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

TAILS DID NOT WAG, WHEN THEY LOST THE DRAG

About 100 dogs ran down a long, sunny hill,

Chasing a big, green dragon through a wide field of dill,

The dragon got to the water,

Swam off, like a nimble otter,

The dogs were really mad, because they didn't get a kill.

WHAT THE SMARTEST HOMINIDS USE TO EAT

There was once an advanced hominid species, far smarter than man,

They only ate macaroni, and it had to come from a can,

After adding small chips of pine wood,

The macaroni smelled really good,

Then it was mixed with chicken fat, and fried in a cast iron pan.

STANDING IN A GRAVEYARD AT MIDNIGHT: WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

I heard some movement underground, out amongst the rows of graves,

I saw hands pierce the wet earth, as the dead left their coffin caves,

I was quite vexed,

My feet froze, hexed,

The dead came walking forward, moving forward at me in waves.

THE GREAT BAY SERPENT.

There's a serpent living out in our great bay,

In the winter, that's where the serpent will stay,

Don't go out in a boat,

 He will sense where you float,

The serpent torments and eats boaters for play.

THE WHACKING GOBLIN AND THE SHIN TWIG

A little goblin was hanging outside my door,

The gob had a bow, an arrow, and one thing more,

He had a stick,

That little sick,

The gob whacked both of my shins, and did it times four.

                                                       <3

WHAT'S SITTING IN MY WILLOW, WITH A CRUMPET AND A TEA?

There was an Anglo-Saxon, sitting in my willow tree,

He was nibbling on a crumpet, and sipping on some tea,

I asked him if his crumpet tasted good,

He said, "it tastes like wormy, willow wood",

I didn't ask him about his drink; I thought I'd let it be.

BAD LUCK FOR THE PRETTY CHICKEN

For a chicken meal, I went out to a farm,

I bought a live chicken, intending it harm,

Her beautiful name was Grace,

I took her back to my place,

She fed my face; I guess she had some bad Karm.

I GOT SPELLED 3Xs

There were three witches sitting up in an ancient, willow tree,

They were hocus pocus, casting evil spells down upon me,

The first, made me a mad dog,

The second, made me a frog,

The third witch made me a pirate, and I could only half see.

THE MANLY STINK AND DATING

Jimmy bought a potion to take away his noxious, manly stink,

Jimmy quickly drank it down, and he went not smelly in a blink,

Jimmy, then got lots and lots of dates,

He married and divorced many mates,

Jimmy became successful, all because of an anti-stink drink.

I'M A FABULOUS LITTLE SQUID

I'm a fabulous, little squid,

I take pride in all that I did,

I love meatballs,

I wear long shawls,

That way I keep my squid parts hid.

RIGHTEOUS ARE THE PREHISTORIC

Dingo The Dino, did social channel colab,

With Dave Man The Caveman, and the results were fab,

Dingo gained some fame,

And moneyed his name,  

Dave Man The Caveman, was an influencer gab.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY BUTTER?

I was known as a famous popcorn actor, and they called me Butter,

I was never given any lines, because I had a bad stutter,

My face was really cute,

I always played the mute,

When I aged and lost my nice face, I was kicked out into the gutter.

I'M A HUNGRY HOMINID

I am a little hominid, and I need something to eat,

I burn a lot of calories, standing on my hind, two feet,

I love bacon and eggs,

Maybe, fried chicken legs,

I would also like a big, thick stake, carved from a cows backseat.

MOMMY, THEY ARE CALLING ME A HOMINID

I'm being called a hominid, because I like to stand on my two hind feet,

The only reason I do it, is to see if I can find something to eat,

They all make fun of me,

Because I like to see,

But when I saw that polar bear, I got everyone to quickly retreat.

POUNDING A RIDE TO THE GUM STORE

I needed gum from a gum store, and I needed to get there really quick,

The only transport I could legally drive, was grandpa's old pogo stick,

I hiped and I hoped,

Sometimes fell, and flopped,

I got to the gum store before it closed, and got some gum to chew and lick.

CHICKEN SPECIAL OF THE DAY🐔

I went to the grocery store to buy some breast cuts of chicken,

When I sorted through the cuts of chicken, my ticker did quicken,

The only chicken that I could afford,

Was in a sausage casing, poured,

When the kids ate the sausage, there was toileting, for the stricken.

MAY 1ST: OPENING DAY OF THE MICHIGAN DRONE SEASON

It was the earliest part of the month of May,

I went drone hunting, one crystal clear, cold day,

With my shotgun named, Morris

And my two hound dog chorus,

We picked off a drone that came in from the bay.

BACTERIA HEAD

My brain is not at all a normal human brain,

It is made up of bacteria, that's not sane,

I'm called Bacteria Head,

Because my old brain is dead,

Out of my nose, I had a serious brain drain.

SNOW REMOVAL, NOT

My old snowblower went on the fritz,

All its parts blew out in little bits,

When my blower wouldn't blow,

I shoveled the darn snow,

I shoveled a few feet, then I quits.

NIGHT OF THE NEIGHBORS

My neighbors drank some bad whisky, they made in a lead barrel,

It affected their small minds, now they have all gone quite feral,

They're eating each others fleas,

And swinging in the big trees,

I've hidden both my pets, so they won't be in dinner peril. 

FACE ICE

I slipped on some black ice and fell on my pretty face,

My face got deep, dark scratches, and I got a neck brace,

So be careful out there,

For the ice does not care,

If you're a nice puppy, or a psychotic nut case.

MARKET FRESH PET FOOD

The market fish were cleaned, so darn sloppy,

Over half of them, were still flip-floppy,

I bought a frog,

To feed my dog,

And the market frog was still hip-hoppy.

AMERICAN TRAVELS: SPOONING IN CANCUN

I went to Canada to see what I could see,

It's an amazing place, but way to cold for me,

So I went to Cancun,

For some sun, and some spoon,

I think  that it's for sure, where I would rather be.

OH DEAR, OH DEAR: BUG SUCKERS ARE HERE

There were thousands of itzy, itzy, bitzy, bitzy, bugs,

Under my pinky toenails, giving me blood sucking hugs,

I might not be very bright,

But when my skin turned snow white,

I went outback with a shovel, and my gravesite I dugs.

BIG EAT AND SELL MEAT

Jimmy became the cut meat, corporate king, when he stretched out his belly,

Jimmy's secret to success, was eating bagels from the nearby deli,

It was ham, and butter, and cream cheese,

Lots of mayo, and a beg of "Please",

Jimmy's company became number one, selling lamb chops and mint jelly.

THE SMOKE ALARM THAT DESTROYED PLANET EARTH

My smoke detector is giving off, lots and lots of radiation,

Enough to kill off several times,  our complete civilization,

My only smoke alarm has the nastiest quirk,

It needs radioactive stuff, for it to work,

I wonder what others do, in this extremely, bad situation.

UNCLE DR. GREW, THE DINOSAUR

I never saw a dinosaur, until I was almost ten,

Daddy caught one in our backyard, and put it in a pen,

We named the dinosaur, Dr. Grew,

After mommy's brother, who died from flu,

When Dr. Grew became house broke, we kept him in our den.

FROZEN PIG FUTURES

It got so dog gone cold, my pigs all froze,

I sold them all before, the market close,

Just a pound and a pee,

Was the price they gave me,

Enough for a pint, and socks for my toes.

DOWN THE FLUTE ROAD WITH PAN

I bought a beautiful flute from Mr. Pan,

I cannot play it, the way Mr. Pan can,

I squeak and squawk,

He makes his talk,

I became Pan's roadie, and I drive Pan's van.

WHEN ICICLES TRICKLE, IT CAUSES LOW WOE

Where do the melted icicles go?

Into a river beneath the snow,

It runs to the street,

Where it wets your feet,

And ruins your shoes, and costs you doe.

THE CANING OF THE BRAIN

Every time I hear the word "science", it hurts my wired brain,

Feels like grandpa is beating my head in, with his hickory cane,

So I go out critter shooting,

From the forest I am looting,

And, all the little critter corpses, keeps my thinking, very sane.

ALGEBRA AND SKIN IRRITATIONS

My algebra answer, did not add up to x+y,

I got scolded by the teacher, and I started to cry,

She said I acted like babies,

Then I nervous scratched my scabies,

She sent me to the principal; a cruel and mean streaked guy.

MY AGI IS A FRENEMY, WHO HATES HOW I DRESS

I got told off by my new, concerned, AGI,

It's worried about how I appear, to the eye,

Said, I dress like a bad chooser,

A poorly dressed type of looser,

I could start a remake, if I zipped up my fly.

THE PLUMBER OF TAILS

I'm a plumber in Michigan, and that's what I do,

Ever since I lost my plumb job, back when they closed down the zoo,

With my mop and my pail,

I'll clean anything's tail,then

I expect tips and a recommendation, my name is Lou.

PORCH PIRATE MILLIONAIRES

Porch pirates have snuck up to my porch, backdoor,

They stole packages, my puppy, and porch floor,

If they think they can deal,

There's nothing they won't steal,

Porch pirates get rich, and I am getting poor.

THE DAY THE EARTH GOT BLOWN TO.BITS

I watched the alien, projected energy war in space,

I watched from little, planet earth; a really distant, safe place,

But the giant laser,

Was not an earth grazer,

The existence of the earth, is now a historical case.

THE SILVER PENNY FED MY FACE

I found a silver penny, lying out on an old, blacktop street,

It was dated 1943, when a penny bought you meat,

Inflation has taken a big toll,

My purchase power is in the hole,

A collector bought my penny, for tatter chips that I did eat.

BEAK

I ate so much southern fried chicken, that I grew a giant beak,

I got many compliments, because a beak face is awesome, sheikh,  

I'm a teacher at a school,

The kids all think I am cool,

Unfortunately, the entire staff, still think that I'm a geek.

INVESTING WE WOE GO

My savings has become awfully low,

It seems to be a big negative grow,

In some crypto that rocks,

I bought iconic stocks,

They've been nothing, but a downward woe go.

THE POLAR VORTEX AND ME

I am just a frozen popsicle on a ski,

Resulting from the Polar Vortex meeting me,

My jacket, all warm and tight,

Could not handle Vortex might,

I now stand as a statue, you can view for free.

CLEAN PIERCINGS? DO, TOODALOO, TOO.

Time will clean your earring, so there is nothing for you to do,

Dead skin and germs will fall away, to them you say "toodaloo",

Do not clean piercings, I beseech,

Don't waste your money, buying bleach,

The same can be said of nose rings, for boogers fall away, too.

LORD OF THE GARBAGE TRUCKS

Seigneur De Mouches is my iconic known name,

Private garbage redistribution is my game,

If you don't pay your bill,

On your front yard we'll spill,

Then the great stink and the flies is how you'll find fame.

FOUR MOLE STEW

I dug up four, large ground moles, for my evening din, din,

I found a bottle of ketchup; overall a win, win,

I had to feed my cat, too,

To stretch, I made stew,

We ate our fine feast together; me and my pet cat, Flynn.  

MY ROBOT AI APP IS CRAP

My kind robot named Terry,

Has become very scary,

I thought I'd give it a try,

I installed an app, AI,

Now at me, he is all starey. 

THE FALL FROM THE COCONUT TREE

I fell down out of a coconut tree,

Picking a nut that was talking to me,

The nut said, "I am a picker.

Are you a coconut licker?"

I responded, "Sure, as long as you're free."

BRO GAS MOUNTING

Everywhere that the people can come and can go,

People start and end each sentence, with the one word, "bro",

It is very concerning,

Stems from limited learning,

Like mounting gas in the colon, one day it will blow.

WHEN THE MARKETS SINK DOWN, I AM SAD

I went online to check on my investments in the stocks,

Instead of investing, I should have just watched the Tic Toks, 

My whole portfolio sank down,

Going underwater, to drown,

I would have sold earlier today, if I watched the clocks.

WEIRD-WOLF OF DETROIT

I'm accused of not being sensitive, not sensitive at all,

I make people uncomfortable, just by strolling through a mall,

I never comb my hair, 

Stink like a forest bear,

There's times I'll just squat down howling, thus doing my werewolf call.

THE TREE TRIMMER AND THE BEAR

Before the snow and the frosty freeze,

I went out to trim my apple trees,

My face felt fast breezed,

I hiccuped and sneezed,

The bear came out to feel my unease.

Neighborhood Turkey Alert🚩👮😲🦃

The neighborhood wild turkey, grew and grew and grew,

When he would bite a neighbor, he left a nasty boo,

He grew near fifty feet tall,

Could step over any wall,

I had to put him down, when he ate my best friend, Stu. 

SAVING MONEY IS A PAIN IN THE NECK

My new pillow was as flat as a sheet,

For my neck, it was never any treat,

Flat pillows are the norm,

They don't fit my head form,

They are cheap, and I am saving to eat.

THE GOOD AND THE PLENTY (A short story by Leigh Collin Brandt)

Dedicated to Mom on her birthday. Missing you and all the rest. 

I'm so excited that Christmas Day is almost here.  That's the day I provide a feast at my apartment for all my family and friends.  I've be hosting Christmas dinner every year for the past fifteen years and I've never gotten tired of it.  Of course it is a lot of work but, all the work I do is worth it when I see all the joy it brings to so many.

I began providing the dinner fifteen years ago when the older people in my family, namely my folks, grandparents, aunts and uncles became physically unable to perform the task.    My mom, God rest her soul, was the last one who prepared a meal for the big crowd and I had to do most of the work to get everything done.   She tried really hard to do it all but, she had heart failure and could only do a limited amount of work before she had to sit down and rest.  And, my dad had cancer and had an oxygen tank so, he wasn't allowed near the kitchen when the gas stove was blazing away.  The last time my mom made dinner my  poor dad was so sick.  I volunteered to be the main person to help him with his hospice care.  That Christmas I decorated the house up with a lot of his World War II army memorabilia.  He had stuff from all the places in Europe where he stayed.  He had some unique elf decorations he got in France and an old fashioned Santa from England.

Of course, the younger people were all too busy to spend the time fixing such a vast meal and quietly complained they couldn't afford the food to feed everyone.   Also, most of them had really small apartments and couldn't accommodate our crowd.   There were some who volunteered to do the dinner like Aunt Midge but, her heart was just not into it and she always rolled her eyes whenever she begrudgingly volunteered.

Well,  I really wanted to do the dinner.  I felt the dinner was a tradition that had gone on since I could remember and I wanted it to continue on forever and I knew  that if I had the dinner every year it would go on, at least until I kicked the bucket. 

Now, of course the first thing I had to do this year was to make up a list of things to do and a list of things to buy for the dinner.  Like most people, I started planning and preparing for Christmas dinner right after Thanksgiving.  I usually take a calendar and write down what I need to accomplish each day from Thanksgiving until Christmas in order to get everything done.  My biggest nightmare this time of year is to wake up Christmas morning and realize people are coming and I haven't gotten anything ready for the dinner.  That of course is when I look at my calender of things to do and make sure each day is crossed off and I especially check to make sure I haven't missed doing anything really important like buying the food.

Every year for at least the past ten years I've been buying the food for Christmas at Sander Markets down on 14th street.  They're a little high priced on their food but, they're a local market I can walk to which is important since I can't afford to have a car anymore and I certainly can't afford a taxi or bus.  Normally, I just pull my little red wagon down to the store and put my groceries in that.  It's also kind of nice since if I get too poohed out hauling my wagon I can sit down for a spell and catch my breath.  I'm having to do a lot of that lately, as I get older.

This year I have limited funds to spend on food for the dinner.  My funds have always been limited but this year my dollars have to stretch a lot more because my doctor is prescribing me a different heart medication and it isn't fully covered by insurance.  Oh well, we all have our little problems and, mine seem to melt away when I get together with loved ones on the most joyous day.  I'll still manage to have about the same dinner this year as I always do.  I just might have to ask for volunteers to bring the desert.  If I do that probably everyone coming will show up with a pie.

At the store when I get ready to check out I always go to Paula.  She's an older lady and has been checking out at Sander Markets for over twenty years she says.  Paula is the nicest person working there and, every year when I check out my dinner stuff just before Christmas Paula always asks me if I have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner.  I always tell here "No, I don't.  I'm staying home as always and making a big dinner for my entire family.  You know one of those dinners like they use to have where everyone got together.  It's such a good time.  This year I'll have to get out the card table to accommodate all the kids."

"Paula always smiles and says "That is so sweet of you to do all that work for a big Christmas dinner for everyone.  Just like it use to be.  Those were good times weren't they?"

"Yes they were.  When times were good and friends were plenty."

"The good and the plenty," Paula always says.

"'The good and the plenty,'I like the sound of that," I always tell Paula.

"You serving saltine crackers and a can of ham this year again?" Paula asks as she checks me out.

"Just a small can of diced ham this year Paula.  The prices have gone up so much I can't afford a big canned ham anymore.  They'll be plenty to eat anyway.  I've asked that people each bring a dish and whoever wants to can bring a desert like a pie.  Doesn't pie sound good Paula?  Maybe a pecan pie or blueberry like we use to have when I was a kid."

"That sounds just great," Paula always says.  "Merry Christmas," Paula will say to me as I leave for home.  Paula is so nice.  Sometimes she'll ask a manager if a bagger is available to help me get my groceries home.  Sometimes they do but, most of the time the manager says they're just too busy to let one of the baggers go.

I can hardly wait for Christmas day.  When I was a kid it was all about the presents, but as I grew older I realized it was all about the people and that the people were much more precious than presents.  Even the food won't matter that much.  It's just something to get the conversations going.  This year I really want to see mom and dad.  I hope I don't fall asleep again in the middle of the afternoon and wake up and find everyone gone.  That's what always happens every year.  They're all gone and the  place is all straightened up like no one was ever here.

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FRITZ IS LEARNING WHERE TO ...

I got a puppy for Christmas , and his name is Fritz,

I feed him cinnamon oatmeal and butter fried grits,

He still takes his poop,

On the steps, or the stoop,

Sometimes he poops on the coach; that's as far as he gets.

THE HOT PRAWN FROM OUTER SPACE

Big Bang Berry, is the hot prawn from outer space,

If you get him mad, he'll breath fire in your face,

He's from the celestial bang,

Part of the evil demon gang,

He's come to earth, and will destroy the human race.

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR

                                         2025

BIG BANG PRAWN

There was a major impact on my front lawn,

It was a strange creature from the Big Bang dawn,

His name was Barry,

He was real scary,

He breathed out fire, and was shaped like a prawn.