I SPEAK FEW WORDS AND UNDERSTAND FEWER

I speak few words and understand almost none,

I like animal speech because it is more fun,

Growling and biting,

Are just more exciting,

Especially, when it makes people run.

COPING WITH YOUR HYGIENE

When everyone offers you a breath mint,

While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint, 

And, being gifted with bar soap,

Means that you need to cope,

And, your hygiene goes beyond just a hint.

DONNY IS IN BAD SHAPE

Donny got athletes foot disease,

But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze,

Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse,

A family curse,

His bowels might move or, sometimes just tease.

VELCRO: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun,

But, they are not for everyone,

Some like long strings,

Such personal things,

But, they'll send you on a trip when you run.

OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.

WHERE DID THE PETS COME FROM?

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild,

My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild, 

My pet snake slithered up from the swamp one night,

My fox came from the hen house of farmer Dwight,

My rat I found out back one day where the chicken bones are piled.  

GETTING YOUR HEAD CLEAR

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush,

It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush,

Control that fear,

Your goal is clear,

Just remember when you're done to flush.

MY HOME COOKING SECRETS

If you cook something that no one will eat,

Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit,

If there's time to change "reject" to "devour,"

Then, deep fat fry the stuff after dipping in four,

There's always a way to make crap food a treat.

KEEP INTERNAL ORGANS FROM LIGHTENING STRIKES

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad,

It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad,

My bladder emptied real fast,

I felt better at last,

I joined my late grandma, passed aunt and dead dad.

ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S FACE🎨

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕

It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰

If they'd only stay quiet,🐷🔇

They wouldn't incite constant riot,🎃

And, might join what is called "human race."👴👐🚽

THE KING WHO DOES NOT SHARE

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer, 

And, on planet mars all beer is dear,

So it's back to the earth,

Where I started at birth,

Where spirits are as plentiful as corn ear.

HOW I GOT OUT OF MY TIMESHARE

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout,

But, never a bear I found there about,

But, a cougar made me dead

When, he bit off my head,

O.K., from my timeshare I finally got out.

I FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE FLOOR

 I found a dollar on the floor,

The one I lost the day before,

I had accused my roommate of stealing,

Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,

And, started a name calling war. 

THE PRESIDENT IS CRAZY SO I TEST HIS I.Q.

If I sum some sums each day,

I receive a stipends, a little pay,

And what sums do I do,

Well, I grade a test for I.Q.,

For presidents with minds that aren't quite O.K.

I INQUIRED THEN I WAS ACQUIRED

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard,

It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard,"

I inquired with a call,

I was met by policemen Et. Al,

I spend most of my days playing ball in the yard.

MY OVERHEATED WORKOUT TURNED COLD

During my workout I got way overheated,

So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated,

My shirt was drenched, solid wet,

I ripped it off, now I regret,

My belly is cold and my back likewise treated.

I PORT WINE DINE ON A TIC-TOC PINE

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰

When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱

My tic-toc was smashed,💔

When my roof caved and crashed,🏚

Now, I drink outdoors the cheapest port wine.🍷

WHY I CHAW

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores,

It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores,

So, why do I chew?

Well, I look cooler than you,

And, that opens up those opportunity doors.

I FLEW TO CORNING AND DIED

On today's dark wicked, heated morning,

The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning,

Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here,

He broke my body that I loved dear,

And, moved my bod from Detroit to Corning.

MY TENTATIVE JOB MAKES ME PART OF THE MOB

I have a tentative job,

As a hit-man for a notorious mob,

I won't feel too sad,

For I'll be after the bad,

Who, from gangsters they're attempting to rob.

THE PICKLE SAGA

And the pickle kept on growing,

Numb pickle brain remained unknowing,

After a quick peel,

It became my meal,

I saved some seeds for future sowing.

COPING WITH COVID BLUES

I hear nothing but bad news,

I have the Covid virus blues,

I can only cope, 

By voting out the dope,

With the orange face and short twit fuse.

I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Some days I just have to get sleep,

So, my pretty face I can keep,

Everyone pines,

To lose facial lines,

And, late nights cause face lines to creep.

I CHEATED TO GO TO SCHOOL

I got into college but I had to cheat,

I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat,

I gained lots of knowledge,

While in barber college,

And, the dean had plenty to eat. 

WHEN THE MASKED TROOPS CAME INTO MY TOWN

Masked troops marched into my town,

All decked out in camouflage brown,

They beat me in the head,

And left me for dead,

I lived but don't know my up from my down.

THE BLINKING ROSE

I wonder what the rose is thinking? 

While on the wall it rests while blinking,

Just what did it see?

Will it voice secrets on me?

 "Stay quiet rose or bath water you're drinking."

STRANGE RAINBOW

A strange rainbow went over the hill,

Night is breaking across my little vill,

I see the daylight conclude,

Pushy, the night asserts, rude,

I dream and lean on the sil.

THE MAN IN THE HIGH REEF

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef,

Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief,

One day he came to town,

And, paid with British crown,

He bought some tea and crumpets and stole a side of beef.

FOR FIVE DAYS I'M WEAK

For five days each week

It's survival money I seek,

For a store family elite,

The peasants I beat,

Selling tires I know will soon leak.

DON'T PIT SPIT IN MICHIGAN

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda,

I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba soda,

From the dog, I got bit,

The policeman's eyes became red lit,

Now, I'm doing hard time in the prison in Oscoda.

SQUIRREL STATUE

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar,

By my friends at my after work bar,

They didn't understand Karl Sagan,

Their minds turned more toward pagan,

Except for the designated driver of the car.

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG SET SAIL

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail,

Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail,

So, you let others hold the bag,

And, they give you a bad tag,

Still, freedom is a just reward when you fail.

I KICKED THEM DOWN WHEN THE VIRUS CAME ROUND (EXCEPT FOR MOM)

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker,

So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker,

I kicked sister, I kicked dad,

I kicked brother:  I done bad,

I couldn't kick mom cause she kicked quicker.

2×4 MAKES DREAMY WORLD FOR MY BLOG

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,

 Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon,

My dream gravity is bent,

So, uphill my ride went,

My brain went  blank the rest of the day so, that's all I'll do for bloggon.

 

PARANOID PRESIDENT AND HIS DROID

The president of the paranoid,

Who think science is something to avoid,

The president is so annoyed,

For science is his hemmoroid,

Roid tissue removed by his V.P. droid.

BOSS, DOS AND WORKING AT A LOSS

I tolerate my workmates and my boss,

I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS,

And, just like the other school teachers,
I tolerate the evil kid creatures,

I just wish my wages weren't a financial loss.

IF U FOLLOW A 🐴 2 WATER MAKE SURE U GET THERE 🏆

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊

The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅

I looked both north and south,👆👇

No other water for my mouth,👄

The horse knew he had unnerved me for he gave me an eyewink.🐴

THE PROBLEM WITH STATUES

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer,

He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer,

Kids will now see the statue and ask,

What set my coz to stone?  What task?

Was it paved roads or, when he hit that poor mommy deer?

BANNED

My social media has all been banned,🚳

In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜

I say mean stuff too much,👹

I'm out of touch,🐨

Just another job where I've been canned.😒

THE NEW SOCIAL DISTANCE DISTANCE

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet,

From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat,

Twenty social distances to get mail,

Eighteen to the garbage pail,

I think the "social distance" distance is really kind of neat.

THE PRESS, THE PEOPLE AND GOVERNMENT

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think folks want government destroyed by ending it's function,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

BUGS COME FOR MY SLAUGHTER

As the woods becomes dry bugs get thirsty mean,

And, I'm looked upon as a thirst quenching canteen,

So, bugs come for my slaughter,

To drink dry all my water,

Then, the dry meat from my bones worms will clean.

BEE BLING

I went outside to look for a lost ring,💍

Then, the bumblebees began to sting,🔥

The ring wasn't real gold,🏅

Just gold paint I was told,👻

Still, the bees fought to keep their one piece of bling.🛩

THE SINKING TOILET TELLS A TALE

When your toilet sinks through your trailers floor,🚽

When there's no money for food from a store,🏬

And, if no heat you discern,😨

Unless, the woodstove will burn,🔥

Then, by gosh you might just be poor.🏚

SCRAPE FROM THE CAPE

I had for my lunch a big plate of fresh scrape,

I found the scrape on the highway down by the cape,

I should have ate at the bar,

The scrape tasted of twigs, leaves, and, tar,

But, maybe I poisoned within me the worm they call tape.

PROGNOSIS GRIM TREE TRIMMER

I climbed up into a tree that needed a trim,

It would have been fine if I had been slim

But, so frail was the tree, 

It fell over on me,

The doc said my prognosis was grim.😳

1. 
   

FOOD, RENT, FREEZE: CAPITALIZM ON MY KNEES

The high prices for groceries is appalling,🧀🍖🍗🍅🍻🍩🍕

I need those prices to start falling,📉

From email I hear voices,📬💻📲

Demanding I make choices,🎰🎲🃏

With bills and rent I just can't keep on stalling.🚽⏳

ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNDERWARE BEAR

I caught a great big bear,🐻

Trying on my underware,👙

Usually, I would not care,🖖

But, his big bottom made a tear,〰〽〰

I'll have to buy me a new pair.🍐

I PICK THE UNIVERSE OF THE YOUNG

Another universe I found this day,

Where all are young and young they'll stay,

I've become a resident of that ageless verse,

And, I've said goodbye to the age-death curse,

I know many think it morally wrong,

They celebrate lifes end with a teary song,

They may etch our symbols on some stones,

Then, let us rot or burn our bones,

For many can't admit the obvious truth,

That being old ain't as good as having youth,

Call me crazy, call me sick,

But, eternal youth is what I pick,

THE VERY HAPPIEST CHUMS

Many people now days don't want to learn,🎓

They don't see how learning can help them to earn,💰

They're the very happiest chums,🗿🚬🚽

If they can read a bit and do sums,🔰➕

And, have wood in their woodstove to burn.🔥

THEY FOUGHT, THEIR FRIENDS AND I'M OUT

My kitty and rabbit  got into a big fight,🐈🐇

My rabbit bested kitty but the rabbit got a bite,😿

As oft these fights end,💐

They play nice friend with friend,💘

I'm the odd-out while they've become tight.😒

ME NEW PET LIVES IN THE WOODS

Such happy days I had with me dog, pet,

When she passed, thought I, another I'd get,

I could afford only a squirrel,

I called his name Earl,

He still lives in the woods where we met.

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WHAT THE LANDLORD SAID

The landlord said I must pay to stay,

Or, I should have to move away,

But, if I'm not mistaken,

My rent dollars were taken,

By the casino on Grand Traverse Bay.

I BATHED IN THE POOL

I broke a community rule,🙀

When I took my bath in the pool,👎

I soaped up with a sponge,🚦

Washed it off with a plunge,💦

People said I was clean but not cool.🏊

WHEN THE VIRUS INFECTS THE CAT THEN, NINE LIVES JUST AIN'T ALL THAT

There was a virus going around and I didn't care,😽

I'm a cat and have nine lives to spare,😺

Then, the virus I got,🙀

And, nine lives I had not,😿

I was cremated so, well I didn't fare.😾

WHY I WEAR AN EYE PATCH

I had no extra eyes to spare,🙈

So, I went to a doctor to fix my eye tear,👣👁

The doc sewed my eye up tight,✂〰

Asked if I'd been in a fight,🌪🌪

I said, "No, I room with a lion and bear."🦁 🐻

EATING FROASTED DOUGHNUTS LEADS TO A BIG PROBLEM IN LATE SPRING

I trusted in my frosted doughnuts to keep me very slim,🍩

But, my waist has grown much larger and, I workout at the gym,🏋

Maybe water sports will be the thing,🤽🏄

To bring my weight down yet this spring,🏊🚣

But, my chance of wearing my old swimsuit is looking very dim.😒

SNAKE, LEAVE THAT TOAD ALONE

There was a small toad in my garden of clay,🐸🍄

He was chewing on bugs as he went on his way,🐞

Then, along came a vicious snake,🐍

That I chased away with my rake,👩‍🌾👉

The toad thanked me and bid me good day.🌄

I GOT ME SOME PUDDING: HOW ABOUT YOU?

I went protesting down the street,👣🗽

I didn't go far until I got beat,🌟🌟🌟

A baton in my face,😁🚔🚓

Put me in my place,🚑🏥

Now, hospital pudding is my treat.🍚

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY HAIRCUT AND THE NEWS

There is so much going on in the news,☣☢💉📉🔥🌪🚀🗽💀👹

What to watch is so hard to choose,📺

With no haircut I'm hairy,👦💈

Like the news I look scary,👿

But, I've got yeast and can make lots of booze.😜🍸🍷🍹🍺