THE THEFT OF MY ONLINE DEVICE

I do not think it very nice,

That someone stole my online device,

Now, all know my contacts I.D.'s,

From the A's to the Z's,

And, all my friends have all been trolled twice.

TO MY PATRONS AS i RETIRE

If you have some problem then,

Come and visit me, 

For, somewhere in my short stories, poems and limericks,

I might have some comfort there for thee.

TEN TO THE POWER OF NINETY-NINE

Dim-bulb Davis and his gang of ten,

Thought a good fight would prove they were men,

So, after a day of drinking whiskey and wine,

They stood up to a gang numbering ninety plus nine,

Dim-bulb's gang was destroyed showing the finality of Zen.

IN THE CRAWLSPACE I MADE A CRAWL

In the crawlspace I made a crawl,

That's where I found my best haul,

I found some old toys,

That brought me back ancient joys,

Of siblings and each possession brawl.

A TALE OF TWO BERRIES

In the garden there was a lonely blackberry vine,

It found a vine of raspberries and there was an intertwine,

The resulting affair,

Caused new generations to bear,

Raspblackberries which made an exquisite wine. 

THE BLUE ANGELS OVER GRAND TRAVERSE BAY LIMERICK

Over Grand Traverse Bay they did fly,

The Blue Angels way up in the sky,

And, although they make one proud and happy,

Their stunts can make your shorts crappy,

It's sad to see them go but, bye bye. 

I'LL HAVE MY FIREWORKS

I have so little change in my back pants pocket,

I cannot buy a fireworks rocket,

From my job I had to resign,

My credit's in decline,

For fireworks I sold my wife's antique locket.

MICHIGAN THE MITTEN

While at the kitchen table sitin',

Methinks Michigan is just one big mitten, 

But, there's no fingers to count,

For a five finger discount,

So, I guess you'll get what you're gettin'.  

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK II

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Everyone with a cell phone,

And, Gorgon was bold,

She turned some to gold,

If they ate an ice cream cone.

GOALS IN THE MIST

Everyone wakes up with the purpose "to do,"

Things done before and things that are new,

And, we all make a list,

Goals in the mist,

But, when counted our achievements are few.

THE BAKER'S LIMITS

Four cakes are the most that I'll bake in a day,

I can bake twelve dozen donuts before I have to play,

I can knead ten loaves of bread,

Before my arms feel like lead,

And, with eight pastries I've filled up my display. 

THE BULGING DRIVEWAY

My concrete driveway is not at all flat,

In the middle it bulges up fat,

And, the ends are so thin,

About as thick as a pin,

They crumbled with just a foot pat.

ODE TO THE FOOD CHAIN ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROAD

Over there on the far side of the road,

There's a fish, two crawdads, a snake and a toad,

The crawdads are in the fish's belly,

In the toad's guts the fish gets smelly,

And, the toad's in the snake's jaws went the ode.

 

REMEMBERING MOM

Painting, pottery,

Rock garden, lily, iris,

My mom was once here.

THE TYPEWRITER BLUES LIMERICK

I'd take a typewriter over a computer if I could choose,

A typewriter's a delicate instrument I hated to loose,

But, along came the tech,

So, I said what the heck,

Now, I pine for my typewriter with blues. 

A LITTLE GORGON LIMERICK

Little Gorgon turned to stone,

Every singing baritone,

And, every soprano,

Backed up by piano,

Sang like bangs on a xylophone.

THE VENISON MAN

I have venison in my freezer, 

I have venison on my grill,

I've dried venison,

I've canned venison,

I've powdered venison and made a pill,

I eat venison for breakfast,

I eat venison for lunch,

I eat venison for supper,

And, the funny meal called a brunch,

I give venison to my friends,

I give venison to people I hate,

I give venison away at Christmas,

I serve venison on a first date,

My life revolves around venison,

I spend all day hunting deer in the woods,

At night I peruse Lord Tennyson,

Snacking on venison mixed with dry goods.

ROUGH TETHERBALLER

If tether-ball were an Olympic sport,

Then on TV I'd be on report,

For I always win,

I'd kick tall guys in the shin,

The rest? I'd ply them with French port.   

THE CUTWORM MADE ME EAT ICE CREAM

A cutworm cut off my tomato plants,

And, left the tops to wither and die,

Then, when I saw my dead tomato plants,

I began to cry and cry,

I planted those plants for a reason, 

To have tomatoes for my tomato soup,

Now, I'll have to just eat ice cream,

And, I don't have an ice cream scoop.    

I MET THE BEARS IN ALASKA

I went to Alaska to meet with the bears,

I stood up beside them for lacking, were chairs,

But, they were up to no good,

They chased me into the wood,

I guess they thought all creatures with meat, were theirs.

GATOR CHOICES

I wanted to retrieve a new red potato,

But, when I lunged downy my hand I drew up an alligator,

Now, the alligator was small,

But, my menu amounts was tall,

So, I changed my menu to chicken/tater.

THE UNEMPLOYED SHEPPARD

There weren't many spots on that leopard,

That made me unemployed as a Sheppard,

For he slew all of my sheep,

Left me nothing to keep,

Just mutton I ate after I peppered. 

GUEST POPULATION CONTROL VIA DINO APPETITE

If you find that among upscale socialites you're not a winner,

Then, invite a tyrannosaur to dinner,

He might traumatize,

But, it would be no surprise,

If your guest population became thinner. 

 

TIKI TORCH AND THE BEAR

My tiki torch burned down real low,
Until it was just a tiki glow,
But, it made mad a big bear,
For the tiki fouled his clean air,
And bear claws gave my tiki such woe.

MY FISHING LINE GOT CAUGHT UP IN A TREE

My fishing line got caught up in a tree,

I haven't done that since I was two or three,

My dad would retrieve the line with an ax,

But, now I will wane and not wax,

Indeed, A chainsaw works better for me.

THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,

For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,

Of course it was not a good day,

For my boat sailed away,

And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,

He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,

 And, for twenty-one days,

In the war's horrendous haze,  

"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,

For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',

But, Bunyan spit way too far,

Hit the Dutch Royal Car,

It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,

I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 

But, what is a dream?

Just a play with no scheme,

Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,

A little turtle just might sink,

And, while diving deep,

He just might sleep,

And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,

You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,

But, while in my stomach lying,

That last tuna was really crying,

Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.

 

OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY

As they gaze out their outhouse portal,

Many people dream of being immortal,

But, a firm rap on the door,

And, you wish you could stay more,

And, knowing your place in the world makes you chortle.

ANTIQUE UNDERGARMENTS FOR SALE

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers,

Buying up twelfth century knickers,

But, pickers should curtail,

Their penchant for resale,

Or, display black plague warnings on stickers.

THE TAXIDERMIST LIMERICK

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy,

He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy,

Some thought he was nuts,

Because he cooked up the guts,

And, made sausage that was hot and real squirmy.  

ROOMS IN THE MIST

Wanting more like Oliver Twist

I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list,

But, no mushrooms, so sad, 

I guess the soil's gone real bad,

Still, I'll keep hunting mushrooms in the early morn mist. 

JIM'S NEW ABODE

Jim is very poor at driving down the road,

He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad,

Jim swerved into the other lane,

Where a semi caused him pain,

Then, a hospital became Jimmy's new abode. 

MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICK

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day,

More than flowers for mothers in May,

For all we conceive,

And, all we achieve,

We celebrate those who created the way.

THE WATER WONDER KIN

As I was walking in the rain,

On the sidewalk white and plain,

The water ran into the drain,

And, I thought that it was just insane,

All that water around my feet,

Draining in rivers down the street, 

Could be sent to places with bone dry heat,

Then, I forgot such thoughts for it was time to eat.  

MA'S DAY IN THE BACKWOODS

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day,

But, that's no time for ma to play,

Her family has got to eat,

So, prepare the mince meat,

With side pork and greens pulled from clay.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

ELVES IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

THE ELEVATION OF FEET

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing,

Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing,

Of course I'm a big winier,

But, my feet fit well the recliner,

So, off the floor my feet I'm chairing.

LOCKLIEL SHOULD NOT PLAY TRUMPET

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour,

The more that he played the less his money shower,

And, one wonderful day,

The police took Lockliel away,

Then, silence was testimony to his power. 

BATTERY ACID DONE ME HARM

Battery acid does great harm,

It burned a scar across my arm,

It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek,

What relief did I seek?,

Of course water scored,

After an intake I out poured,

And, the aftertaste was most vial,

I would not recommend a trial,

So, when battery acid leaks I've learned,

Dilute the acid or worsen what's burned,

Of course I've embellished so, saith the cynic,

Yet, I have proof in my bills from the Mayo Clinic.

THE PARENTS OF A TV FLY

We're the parents of a TV fly,

When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry,

We're afraid he'll be a rotter,

After a hit with a fly swatter,

It's much safer crossing a toilet or a pie.

BINGE EATING MY DEPRESSION AWAY

I've ceased watching all cooking shows,

Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows,

I sold cooking utensils so dear,

It made my depression severe,

So, I binge ate myself out of my cloths.

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.

TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE MOUSE

I think that I will quit wearing my hat,

Because, that's where the mice keep leaving their scat,

But, there is just a wrinkle,

For, my cat loves to tinkle,

And, I've taught him where the mouse beds are at. 

I TOOK A WRONG TRAIL AND ENDED UP WITH A WHALE

I took a walk in the forest but, took the wrong trail, 

Then, I heard something howl then swished it's big tail,

I looked toward a giant dead stump,

Then, my heart started to pump,

As I gazed at a killer land whale.

I WENT TO LAREDO FOR SOUP

I went to Laredo to find me some soup,

I heard they had cows that were deep in their scoop,

For I seek fertilizer,

I like the wet stuff cause I'm wiser,

For moisture's real scarce to mix with dry poop. 

THE COLORS OF TEETH AND BACK

If your teeth are green and black,

Keep your mouth shut to avoid attack,

From those having teeth whitey white,

Who brush for a  cavity fight,

But, have green hair from scalp to back. 

MY UMBRELLA SAILED BEFORE IT RAINED, SNOWED AND THEN HAILED

My umbrella failed,

When a tornado came along my umb sailed,

Not wanting to up-flow,

I let my umb go,

Then it rained, then snowed and then hailed.   

THE SPILL AND THE MINCE MEAT PIE FLY

I spilled tomato juice on my mince meat pie,

It dis-flavored the mince meat and I thought I would die,

And, my mince meat pie ala mode,

Tasted like feet of dead toad,

So, to the trash my pie took a fly.

THE BEARER OF THE JAGGED STEAK KNIFE

My steak knives are so incredibly dull,

The fat on my steaks my knives will not cull,

 My steaks tremble with terror,

For I'm the jagged knife bearer,

My knives give steaks something they can all mull.

PILLOWS AND FOR WHOM THE CLOCK TICKS

Sometimes pillows are way to soft,

Sometimes they are hard as a rock,

Sometimes pillows slip off the bed in my loft,

While all night I count the ticks of the clock,

IS TRAVERSE CITY SANTA'S SUMMER RETREAT?

The jurors are out they say,

As to where Santa summers his sleigh,

I think it's a pity,

If it's not Traverse City,

Where he could have a beautiful view of the bay.

JIM'S TAPEWORM AND SKINNY TRANSFORMER BRAG

No one ate nearly as much as Big Jim,

In his gut a tapeworm was taking  a swim,

And, Big Jim got so skinny,

Shopped cloths stores for the "mini,"

Jim bragged which just made him seem dim.

WAITING FOR MY TRICKLE-DOWN

I'm waiting for my trickle-down raise,

Although, my boss says a raise would be out of phase,

For long, long before,

I'll get pink-slipped out the door,

Because trickle-down signs the end of my days.

MY NECK OF THE WOODS

We don't have much fancy in my neck of the woods,

We don't have much money and ain't got many goods,

And, everything we find that will crawl,

We eat or hang on the wall,

And, use the skin for our hats and our hoods.

I BUILT MY HOUSE WITH BORROWED NAILS

I built my house with borrowed nails,

I must of borrowed pails and pails,

Now, some want their nails back,

That will leave me with some shack,

And, it'll fall over with hard rains and the gales.