SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July,
Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa, "why?"
Next day Santa woke up atop the Mar's rover,
His deer were on earth munching on some green clover,
Santa couldn't remember his adventure because he didn't want to try.

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Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw,
Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa,
But, he did not express any charm,
When I sliced off his arm,
I got a spanking and my bottom is still raw.

COUSIN FARMER

He feeds them beans,

And, turnip greens,

Although my cousin is just a farmer,

Among the ladies he's quite a charmer,

Until roasting farm animal spleens.

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

Quoting poets or a special psalm,

I can't find words for my precious mom,

Although, she's been gone more than a year,

On Mother's Day, I shed the tear,

 And, through it saw her standing near. 

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard,

He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard,

I didn't chase the lynx away,

In fact, I hoped he would stay,

He's a goose eater and my garden guard.

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

Today I invented anti-gravity,

I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity,

I just drove along and hit ice,

The saucer rotation was nice,

The cliff though, was bad angel depravity. 

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie,

It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye,

If I am to prosper and live,

Please, a pie piece to me give,

Or, my will to live will just wither and die.

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

What fish do I eat tonight?

My goldfish is hanging with blight,

My swordfish is floating,

In some post mortem coating,

And, my guppy lerches to the right. 

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes,

The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes,

I barely walked up a hill,

And, found a rattlesnake kill,

Thick boots, not sandals are what this trip takes.

APRIL FOOL'S AND THE FISH FACED ROBBERS

I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank,
They loaded their guns and went into a bank,
Then, when they were done looting,
They came out of the bank shooting,
April Fool's, I drove their tank into the lake where it sank.

THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all,

It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball,

I lost my job in a band,

I live mouth to hand,

I need a tambourine repairman to call. 

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm?

What's in my blood that did this fella harm?

Was it the 10-year-old champagne?

Or, the 12-year-old candy cane?

My blood is toxic so, I feel some alarm.

FARM DATES

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big,

I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig,

I told them I would not date,

I already had a mate,

I'm a trucker and I married my rig.

THE GAS GIANT PART III

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt,

He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt, 

In the thirty-fifth century felt is very rare,

Anyone who controls the market could treat people most unfair,

I've promised all the giant's victims a piece of his cankered pelt.

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away,

As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day,

Although in Murphy's grave his flesh did melt,

Beside his wife, the pretty Celt,

He longed for the place his ancestor's dwelt,

Where his heart would forever stay.  

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed,

In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted,

The giant doesn't need a spacecraft for lightspeed to pass,

Lightspeed he achieves by release of noxious gas,

Warning:  if you breathe his molecules you'll soon be deemed dimwitted.

I PRAY FOR THE VOLE

There was a vole under the snow,

He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow,

I tried forgiving thoughts but, my thoughts at best,

Labeled the vole a nasty pest,

I do pray that the vole finds eternal rest.

I FROZE MY NOSE

I froze my nose,

Then, off it goes,

My new nose is steel,

No sunburn, no peal,

 I still snore when I doze.

WITH NO DEATH STICKS IN THE QUIVER, IT'S FAST DOWN THE RIVER

My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver,

I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver,

Along comes a buck with a large rack on his head,

It is all pointy points so, methinks I'll be dead,

The beast stabs at me in my kidney, heart and liver,

I step backwards and fall into the Manistee River,

Fast down the river my limp body works its way,

Until, it rests in a hole beneath wood, stones and clay.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME THIS WAY

The Ides Of March come this way,

With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey,

They have long memories, my wives,

 I fear their long knives,

For like Caesar, I'll become a fillet.

PLASTIC BEADS FOR MY NEEDS

I am an investor in plastic beads,

They are the savings for my future needs,

I know my investment is sound,

For they weigh up by the pound,

Soon, I can buy me a shop that sells meads. 

NINE WERE WOLVES AND TEN WERE PIGS

Nine were wolves and ten were pigs,

Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs,

The wolves made their call,

The pigs could only bawl,

The wolves finished the night eating pork stuffed figs.

 

A RIDE ON THE PRISE

I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise,

The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes,

I then threw up my spaghetti,

Thought I saw a mama yeti,

And, I blacked out before I entered Earth's skies.

AI MEANS COFFEE MAKER GOODBYE

I upgraded my coffee maker so it now has AI,

If the coffee tastes bad I can ask the coffee maker"why?"

Then, one sobering day,

My coffee maker ran away.

Moving in with another coffee drinker guy. 

TWO STRAWBERRIES WALKED INTO A BAR

Two strawberries walked into a bar for some rye,

A man with a bag of rhubarb gave them the eye,

The man then rolled out some dough,

The strawberries did not want to go,

But, they ended up in a strawberry-rhubarb pie.

THE FEBRUARY BRIGHT LIGHT

On the last day of February I saw something yellow and bright,

Then, a voice beyond the grave said, "walk into the light,"

 The voice I didn't know,

But, I was ready to go,

Then, I got hit by a car now, it's night.

TWO DEER WALKED INTO A BAR

Two deer walked into a bar,

They wondered who owned the red car,

It had run down their bud Jack,

The driver didn't even look back,

The deer carried feathers and tar.

I DREAM NO SNOW BUT, WHAT WILL I REAP?

I dream of long, long ago,

When I was not buried in all this snow,

When the sun gave off a warm, golden glow,

And, heating my home didn't take all my dough,

 I long for the world when the weather was better,

I cursed those hot days now, I'm a regretter,

Those days I did not wear sweater upon sweater,

And, worry my kitty may freeze because he's a bed wetter.

So it goes as I am freezing,

And, every breath I tend toward wheezing,

With a bronchial cough and sinus sneezing,

I greatly fear the grim reaper is teasing.  

AN ANGEL PLAYING IN THE SNOW

I thought I saw an angel out playing in the snow,

Alas, it was just a neighbor trying to get his blower to blow,

I'd loan him my snow shovel,

But, the snow caved in my hovel,

Now, everything I ever owned was drifted down below.

WINTER LEGEND OF THE SUN

People talk about a hot star called the sun,

It's just a legend told to children for fun,

For the gale winds full of snow,

Is all that we know,

Winter is our season; only one.

 

A VOLE IN THE HOLE

A little vole climbed into my ear hole and ate my brains like candy,

After the feast, that little beast relaxed with a fine glass of brandy,

As a brain lacking sinner,

I think only of dinner,

Although, for some reason all I eat seems quite sandy.

TIGHT PAIN

Poor old Mitchel lacked in brights,

That's why he wore too tight his tights,

Fed to his brain,

Was constant pain,

Worse than his gig playing knights.  

A BACKWOODS HELLO

In the backwoods the language of gunfire go,

If a bullet hits you it means one thing; a miss means hello,

Don't bother to run,

For every cos has a gun, 

And, while in their crosshairs you'll be moving too slow.

MY BANDCAMP DAYS WHEN I WAS 8 YEAR OLD

I went to band camp and got spanked on the rear,

It was because I didn't know Brahms'  birthday was near,

Then, I got a hot shower scaldi,

Because, I misinterpreted Vivaldi,

And, my Bach chamber music brought tear. 

THE FUTURIST

I don't think there is any truth hidden deep within a dream,

Nor do I think future signs ride through space on a sunbeam,

I don't believe in ghostly boards,

Nor seeking truth in wind blown chords,

Those who do the selling, divine a fortune from these schemes.   

CHRISTMAS TOYS ARE ALL BROKE BUT, MY BIRTHDAY COMES NEXT

It's been only six days and I've broken up all my toys,

I guess I should not have been on Santa's list of good boys,

Now, my birthday comes next,

I've sent my wish list via text,

Reminding how my good virtues spread joys.

SKILLS VS. BILLS

I went to a school to get me some skills,

But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills,

Now, it's worse than before,

I am even more poor,

And, can't afford my prescribed psycho pills.  

THE PONTOON VIKING

On my pontoon boat I went raiding with Vikings,

We plundered Russia, and England and France,

Now to the rough life I've taken the likings,

I drink mead with the vikings and dance,

My pontoon boat goes a bit faster,

Than the viking ships that are rowed across the seas,

But  sometimes I fear a disaster,

When I can't find my one set of keys,

We all get a share of the plunder,

But I'm never amongst the first ones on the shore,

Those that are receive spears, arrows then, hear thunder,

When, they awake in Valhalla with Thor,   

Of course my income is not very steady,

In truth, my pickings have always been lame,

But I'm keeping my pontoon gassed and ready,

To rejoin the viking plunderers' game.

 

 

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Vanderbilt was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

ASTRONAUT FLAGELLANT GAS

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses,

Which disturbed the gravitational masses,

So, they sent me out the airlock,

Where the supply ships come to dock,

Where I'll stay until all the disturbance passes.

ODE TO THE 100 ROCKBASS

100 rock bass were on the highway flopping, 

No vehicles showed respect by swerving or stopping,

So, as the fish were smeared over the road,

I composed them an ode,   

In rhythm to the rock bass bladders popping. 

JOHN'S COLORED GUN POWDER COLLECTION

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty,

He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty,

But, John's chosen display space,

Was over his wood-stove fireplace,

They found John's body but, just a bitty.

MY GROCER, HIGH PRICES AND ME

I went to the grocer but his prices were high,
I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly,
The grocer said, "my costs have gone wild,
I built a new mansion that's styled,
My builder gave me a similar reply."

ELECTION GOAL LIMERICK

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

THE BLUE SKY RAIN BLUES

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue,

There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue,

But, right overhead,

An air plane had just shed,

It's potty water, I rue.    

A VAMPIRE IN MY CARPET

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites,

I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites,

I went to my doctor and asked what had bitten me so bad,

He said they were baby vampires and, vampire bites was what I had, 

Then, I died and became a baby vampire living in carpet on the floor,

Now, I bite bare feet all day and live for nothing more,

It would not be so bad but, the bare feet most often smell,

So, I'm a baby vampire living in an aroma haunted hell. 

WATER UNDER THE MOP

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop,

So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop, 

But, the water seemed thick,

And, my floor tiles waned sick,

As floor tiles gave us a direction to pop. 

COFFEE RATS

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown,

And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown,

Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor,

Like feces, not to savor,

For a drink I have to give it thumbs down.

    

PREDICTABLE FARM

I did not spray the almond tree,

I did not wash the goose,

I did not pick the tomato worms,

I did not spay the spruce,

I think the corn is truly dread,

I think the squash yields are cruel,

But, I think measures should be left unsaid,

For, they are only a farmer's tool.

MACARONI AT DINNER'S BELL

If you want friends at dinner's bell,

Then, choose your macaroni well,

And, if you really want to please,

Use a tomato sauce and cheese,

Mama's secret that you can't tell.

THE FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION LIMERICK

My magazine subscriptions have run amok,

I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck,

Now, stress thoughts start to hover,

For my funds will not cover,

My mag bills; I'm such a dumb cluck.   

THE THEATERATRICA THEATER WAS TORN DOWN

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground,

Turned into pavement for the local dog pound,

And, all those memories stored,

Were destroyed board by board,

With all the talkies and movies without sound.

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,

I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,

I raced in high school,

And, was a laughing stock tool,

So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,

We all carouse to feed our id,

We also binge eat,

Pizza with cheese/meat,

Sucking soda through plastic lid.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,

To pick me a sack full of dill,

For I had sour pickles to can,

And, bought dill was a ban,

For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,

Now the fungi come a callin',

Fungi are aggressive dears,

Who grow big obtrusive ears,

While fungi sup I will be ballin'. 

THE MASTER OF THE SING-SONG TAP

I once was a masterful dancer of tap,

My best work I did to the music of rap,

But, then something went wrong,

When, music all went sing-song,

Sing-song I couldn't tap worth a crap.

THE TEMPEST ROUND THE POSIES CAUSED ME TO KNIT COZIES

I went out into my garden to pick some rosies,

But, there was a tempest around all of my posies,

And, what could I do?

I hadn't a clue,

So, back inside I went to knit cozies.  

THE SOUR-SWEET PICKLE GETS SUED

The pickle made a false statement,

It said that it was sweet,

But, when I bit into it,

It was so sour, what deceit! 

So, I sued the pickle for malfeasance,

And, fraud according to law,

But, the whole thing was completely dismissed,

When, the case was moved to Wichita.

I AVOID SQUIRRELS WHEN THE ACORNS ARE EMPTY

My acorns were empty; they've all rotted out,

The squirrels were hungry and I have with them no clout,

Next, they were looking at me,

Like I'm a steak lettered "T,"

So, I've winter and won't be out and about,