MICHIGAN YETI HAIKU

Michigan Yeti,
Fowl smelling, ill tempered too,
Careful, you are food.

THE HOUSE OF BEARS LIMERICK

 It was dark as I eased down the stairs,

It was scary as I looked out for bears,

I went to the fridge for a snack,

Then, the bears made their attack,

Now,  the food in my fridge is all theirs.

LEONARD EATS MAGNESIUM

Leonard loves magnesium and that's just what he eats,

But, when Leonard eats magnesium he soils his good sheets,

Leonard goes to the laundromat to wash away his soils,

But, then everyone else after him are left with Lenny's spoils,

Now, what if Leonard someday chooses to get married?

Well, perhaps Leonard's diet may have to be more varied,

And, in case anyone thinks that my story is too cruel,

Just remember that dear Leonard might be swimming in your pool. 

OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,

The souls of innocents he take,

He feeds on flesh and never cake,

Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,

A giant snapper bigger than a barn,

His tail is as long,

As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,

And, fishermen too,

Though many have seen him,

Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,

To Skegemog Lake,

Just to see if Old Skeggy,

Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,

Those who scoff in scoff tone,

Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,

From skin to the bone.

 

LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,

Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then, celebrate with a rave.

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

JULIE THE RATTLESNAKE LIMERICK

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs,
She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs,
She was once stuck in quicksand all the way,
But, the animals saved her on that day,
Then, Julie gave all the animals kisses and hugs.

WARTS AND PORK BACON

There was a wart, and it would not die,

It was growing on Lenny's left thigh,

The wart grew real big,

Then out hatched a pig,

Then Lenny had bacon to fry.

IT'S WARM UP IN JEB'S NOSE

There were some little creepy crawlers that lived between Jeb's toes,

When it got really cold out, some of the creepy crawlers froze,

They climbed clear up Jeb's legs, and back,

Then toward Jeb's face, they launched an attack,

And when the cold winds blew again, they warmed up in Jebies nose.

TROMBONE SUZIE

Trombone Suzie was in the college marching band,

Trombone Suzie marched across college football land,

When Trombone Suzie played,

Her school spirit was displayed,

On all social media, Suzie got fanned and fanned.

THE KILLER PUMPKIN AND THE MINNOWS

I saw a giant pumpkin, eating a fisherman, by the sea,

The fisherman had a minnow bucket, so I set the minnows free,

I decided to roast the pumpkin, thought it'd taste good with my tea,

But, all I had to flavor the pumpkin, was a half jar of suspect ghee,

I should of kept the minnows, because they might have been tasty. 

LAVA MONSTER HAIKU

LAVA MONSTER I
Lava monster roars,
Scares small children, big men,
Rock burns, cells make steam.

LAVA MONSTER II
Burnt feet, face, backside,
Hot, run, run from Earth’s orange blood,
Deadly, curious.

SQUIRREL PROOFED AND FREEZING

I squirrel proofed my bird feeder and made the squirrels mad,

They smashed up my solar panels, and smashed them up real bad,

Now I have no heat inside,

I'm freezing, but have my pride,

But, the birds shared the feed with the squirrels, that makes me sad.

THE ELF HUNTED MONSTER, BECAUSE HE ADMIRES THE HORNS

The minor monster made a slight moan as he mourns,

For an elf cut off the monster's favorite horns,

The elf had done bad,

But horns made him glad,

The main wall in his cottage, the horns will adorn.

OUTSMARTED BY THE SQUIRRELS, AGAIN AND AGAIN

I went out to check my berry tree, but all the berries had died,

The squirrels took all the good ones, and left the ones with worms inside,

I wanted berries that were blue,

I did not know what to do,

I went down to the fruit market, but the squirrels had been there too.

MAY THE DEAD CONCH REST IN PEACE

While looking for socks, I found me a conch shell under the bed,

Not sure how long it's been there, but I think the conch is long dead,

So I named its ghost, Freddy,

Hoped that death found it ready,

I promised to polish the shell up, and paint it barny red.

THE HOARD OF HALLOWEEN

I do not give out the trick or treats,

Just go away you kids, move your feets,

Winter grows near,

Candy grows dear,

With long winter months, I got to eats.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

WILLIE THE WEASAL WARRIOR LIMERICK

Willie was a weasel warrior,
He read Huck Finn, but not Tom Sawyer,
He liked to play hearts,
And, occasionally darts,
At night he'd sing on his foyer.

I SELL MEALS IN KALKASKA

I opened a store to sell people a quick lunch,

I sold cake, sandwiches and ice cold lemon punch,

It was downtown Kalkaska,

Not the one in Nebraska,

I'll Soon be selling coffee and Bismarcks for brunch.

THE CHIPMUNK AND THE NOSE RING

I lost my gold nose ring when it fell on the floor,

Stolen by a chipmunk, because I left open the door,

Chipmunks are such thieves,

They hide booty in my eaves,

I should steal their black walnuts, to even the score.

MY HONEY MAKES HONEY FOR MY TOAST

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me,

Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree,

Their hair got thin and fuzzy,

They started sounding buzzy,

Then low and behold, they turned into a bee.

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME LIMERICK

My psychic told me not to fly,
If I did she said I would surely die,
So, I did not roam,
I stayed at home,
I was hit by a meteor from the sky.

MY HOME AND MY BOAT: ONE DON'T STAND, ONE DON'T FLOAT

The big rain storm hit so hard that my boat went sinkin',

My house collapsed down the hill, like the logs of Lincoln,

It rained over 10 inches today,

And, with the tidal wave off the bay,

I hope my insurer has a check, that it's inkin'.

SMELLY SOCKS TURTLE, AND CLOCKS

There was an old turtle and he fixed antique clocks,

He charged a big price for fixing real old tick tocks.

With mine, I paid on time,

Each week, paid him a dime,

And promised to darn his old nasty, smelly socks.

TONY GROWS WHISKERS

Tony started growing whiskers at the age of forty-four,

Tony didn't know what to do, he hadn't had whiskers before,

Pulling whiskers gave Tony pain,

It was driving him quite insane,

Luckily, his ma came home with a razor from the store.

SAMMY PAINTS HIS BODY

Sammy painted all his toe nails, and he painted them all pink,

Then on his face he tattooed a birdie, and used a light blue ink,

And Sammy tattooed a kangaroo on the back of each bun cheek,

Then Sammy cut out two holes in his jeans so, friends could have a peek.

MISSY WENT UP, UP AND AWAY

Missy the sunfish, swam with her babies in the bay,

They ate little purple snails, they dug out of the clay,

Then a fisherman's hook,

Mama Missy, it took,

The babies cried, as Missy was pulled up and away.

A SMOKER FIXES GAS LEAKS: WHAT COULD GO WRONG

My banana nut bread has been abruptly paused,

My cooking stove went out, and it was gas leak caused,

The gas leak fixer fella,

Smoked cigs, his nails were yella,

He lit a cigarette, now he's bandaged and gaused.

GRANDMA VS. DINOSAUR

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far,

When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car,

Grandma used her big straw broom,

It was the dinosaurs doom,

Now his bones decorate grandma's coffee bar.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This had always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus is where vamps ride the high wires.

 

THE ITCH

The doctor put a patch on top of my eye,

Because I would itch it until I would cry,

Then I itched the top of my head,

Until my hair turned bright red,

The doctor told me to stop, or I'd die.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOTHING

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree,

All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me,

I don't even understand, the signal that gets boxed in my tv,

Can't comprehend why in algebra, they use the letters x, y and z,

And the biggest mystery of all; why do English Folk drink tea.

MY LITTLE RED GOAT

My favorite pet was a little red goat,

The only thing that she would eat was red coat,

She would eat mink, wool or leather,

But she would never taste pleather,

Pleather gave her bubble gas, and she would bloat,

WHAT LURKS BETWEEN THE TOES

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose,

While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes,

The surgeon removed a tick,

And a big green pogo stick,

And a fifty foot, green garden hose.

TOENAILS-HAIKU

TOENAILS

Toenails, hard, long, gray,
Clippers, dull, tear, pull, pinch, shriek,
Toenails, short, jagged.

CY THE LITTLE FISH MEETS GYM

Gym caught a little fish, the fish called himself Cy,

Cy flipped and flopped, he begged, said he didn't want to die,

Gym said, "oh that is nice",

Then added some tart spice, 

And, dropped Cy into the fry pan to fry.

WHAT MARTIANS WANT

I bought a large stretch of real estate on planet Mars,

I opened a dealership to sell electric cars,

The Martians would not buy,

Claimed the prices were high,

So I closed down, then opened some disco tech bars.  

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

LICK STAMPS GET CRAMPS LIMERICK

Mr. B has belly cramps,
He thinks he got them licking stamps,
The stamps were already sticky,
With glue that tastes icky,
Now, near to the restroom he camps.

 

BIG FOOT HUNTING IN MICHIGAN

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Turned out to be a tree.

Big foot hunting in Michigan,
Hard to hunt, hard to see,
Shot at one once,
Got my brother-in-law in the knee.

WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

I DIDN'T BRING HOME A PAYCHECK, BUT I BROUGHT HOME BEDBUGS INSTEAD

I brought home little bedbugs in my shoes,

They will bite you all over, if they choose,

If you have some blood,

They'll make you their bud,

And the red spots, will proclaim the bad news.

THE FOREST WENT QUIET

My neighbors love their poacher pie,
But when the squirrels all disappeared, it made me cry,
So because of my neighbors' diet,
The forest went real quiet,
And I no longer saw things that could swim, or run or fly.

THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

UNDER THE LAVA LAMP AFTER I DIED

When you die you're supposed to walk into the light,

I tried that, but it was too hot and too bright,

So, I made me a camp,

By a real lava lamp,

Then, some ghouls stopped by for a bite.

LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR

My neighbor weaponized my shovel, and attacked some small ants,

The ants were little red biters, and ran up my neighbor's pants,

Like a bloody, daft fool,

He jumped into my pool,

After my neighbor's rescue, I lectured him on cans and can'ts.  

I LOVE TO DO MY LAUNDERING

I love to go a pondering, when I am full of wrath,

Sometimes I go a wandering, down a muddy path,

Sometimes I climb a steep hill,

Or, A mountain for a thrill,

Sometimes I do my laundering, then I take my bath.

SCUZZ NEEDS A JOB TWO

Sharp as a pencil that I was,

I'm a real hard worker with all I does,

But, I ain't been hired so what's the buzz?

I got no good grammar so, they calls me Scuzz,

Now, I can't read no good and barely write,

But, if we goes to the bar I can fight, 

I ain't got no teeth but, my jaw bone bite,

And, what a grip and I holds on tight,

Of course, I just really need a job,

'fore turns my muscles to belly blob,

I knowed now I should a stayed in school,

Alas, without much learning the world is cruel.

 

THE SQUIRE

When my noble knight's life came to expire,💀

I took his place by my rights as his squire,👑

I beheaded fire breathed dragons with my sword,🗡🐉

Received golden coins for my reward,💰

And, old sods sang me praise in drunken choir.  🎶🎶🎶🍺🍺🍺

SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

IT LURKS BEHIND THE CORN

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn,

We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born,

But an evil, magic spell,

Cast by a rouge witch, named Dell,

Carved the Jack-O-Lantern, that hunts before the morn.

WHAT STICKS IT ALL TOGETHER

My latest four cheese homemade pizza, lies in the garbage bin,

Everyone said it was a vile thing, that wreaks of sin,

I made the pizza from stew,

Of course, I had to use glue,

At least it held together, so I give my effort a win.

ORLANDO BASEBALL

Orlando loved playing the outdoor sport of baseball,

He could make the bases, because he was lean and tall,

He shocked all the umpires faces,

When he made 1st base in 2 paces,

Some said Orlando playing, was not fair at all.

MY PSYCHIC GAVE ME A PREDICTION

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped and I’m still not alright.

BARN OWL BEAU AND THE BANSHE

In Freeland, there once was a barn owl, named Beau,

In the hen house, Beau saw a banshee named Coe,

Coe had an egg thieving plot,

But the barn owl, thought not,

So Beau bit off a banshe nose and big toe.

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

SNEAKY SNAKES AND GERD

Two rattlesnakes snuck up on a bird,

They thought their soft rattles, were not heard,

Then along came a hound pup,

He ate those snakes for his sup,

But got sick from heartburn, caused by gerd.

FREDDY BROKE A LITTLE BONE

Poor Freddy broke his little bone, down in his little knee,

And he could not get it fixed, he couldn't pay the doctor's fee,

Freddy went to bed,

With a headache in his head,

For if his bone didn't get fixed, he'd become an amputee. 

ALICE IS HOME FOR HALLOWEEN

There once was a old wicked witch, named Alice,

She once lived in an old wicked witch palace,

The walls were made from bones,

Painted in dark orange tones,

It was once a coffee bar, down in Dallas.

THE CANARY AND THE RAVEN, A CAUTIONARY TALE

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary,

He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry,

The canary birds worked together,

Netted my raven in bad weather,

Then they roasted and ate him in a scene that was real scary. 

I'M A DENTAL TECH

I had to find a pair of pliers, because my tooth was throbbing,

I already tried a string, in a technique I call doorknobing,

My tethered tooth did not slightly budge,

But, my doorknob feel apart, oh fudge,

Then there was horrific pain, screaming and great sobbing. 

THE FANCY PET DUDE

I bought a fancy pet dog, and bought him fancy pet food,

I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude,

I chum with fancy pet owner friends,

It's a class of pretends,

Pretending a dog's business isn't crude.

POLLIWOG, TO EAT OR PLAY FETCH WITH? THAT IS THE QUESTION

I walked on down to the pond, and there met Mr. Prince Charming,

He had invested his nest eggs into Polliwog farming,

It was just a terrible deal,

Polliwogs have no pet appeal,

As human food, they might look o.k., but their smells are alarming.

THE E-SCOOTER THAT SCOOTED

My mean e-scooter ran far, far away,

And, left me laying in the road today,

He went so scary fast,

Left me wearing a cast,

I'm gonna sue, he vows he'll never pay.

MEAT, THE IN-LAWS

Henry had a wolverine, he raised it from a small pup,

Now Henry cannot feed the critters 24 hour sup,

So I took the critter off Henry's hands,

Set it free on my northern lands,

I told my in-laws they could camp for free, if they should come up.

LOSING MONEY THE OLD FASHION WAY: INVEST IT

My stock portfolio got down so low,
It had no further down it could go,
I added money hoping my portfolio would grow,
Where the money went my broker didn’t know,

I decided to invest in real estate,
But, when I entered the market it was too late,
Then, the banks all raised their interest rate,
I lost all my investment so, real estate I just hate,

I tried to hedge my money by buying gold,
But, as soon as I bought everyone else sold and sold,
My intentions were good and strategy bold,
Yet, my investment went south and I felt really cold,

I tried safe investing by buying up bonds and t-bills,
But, soon I found my safe portfolio was full of real ills,
My stomach felt like porcupine quills,
Now I’m broke and picking up bottles for my business thrills.

MY EYEBALLS ARE FUZZY, AND MY LIGHTS ARE BEE BUZZY

My light bulbs have some kind of bad disease,

They flicker on and off, an eyeball tease,

When off, it is scary,

When on, I'm just weary,

And, my lights are always buzzing, like bees.

JERKS

Wherever I travel, there are only mean jerks,

From my family at home, to the all store clerks,

I would just stay in bed,

But, I need to get fed,

I guess being real cruel are common human quirks.

THE DELIVERY SNAIL

I decided to buy a new front door,

But, it's too far to the nearest door store,

I bought a door through the mail,

It was delivered by snail,

And boy, was that little snail feeling soar.

FREDDY HAD VISITORS FROM SPACE

A small space shuttle landed in front of Freddy,

The craft landed behind the old crab apple tree,

Two little green creatures,

Who had no facial features,

Picked the apples, then sampled Fred's hair, blood and pee. 

THERE ONCE WAS A POLAR BEAR NAMED LARRY

There was a polar bear named Larry,
He was fat and slow and harry,
He once caught a seal,
But, when it started to squeal,
Larry dropped it because it was scary.

DEALING WITH PARASITES

In order to get them to act nice,

George made a deal with his little lice,

They could live in his beard,

It wouldn't get shaved or sheared,

And, George would bathe each year, only twice.

THE LIGHTNING STRIKE AND MY WHEELS

There was a blasted lightning strike,

It blew apart my motorbike,

I didn't at all care, 

I had one to spare,

It has three wheels, and called a trike.

I'M DONE DECORATING FOR THE SEASON

I found my plastic poinsettia for the winter holiday,

I thought it would be a real colorful display,

I stuck it in my front yard,

With a gargoyle guard,

To scare the Halloween vandals away.

THE YETI AND THE BANNANA

I looked out my train window, and saw a big yeti suit,

I think it was a guy, but it ran when the train went, "TOOT",

It ran into a chicken coup,

Could not see it, oh gosh, darn poop,

Out it came with a beer can, eating a banana fruit.

WHAT I'VE DONE SENCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics two,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like yew,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

From my burgers grease is dripping,

At the fast food place I'm burger flipping,

It's been my lifelong career,

Due to my counselor steer,

And, the teachers I spent my time ripping.

I RAISED THREE PIGS NAMED JASON

I raised three pigs named Jason,
They spent all their time horse-racing.
One day they went bold,
Their houses they sold,
They lost big while their pony was pacing.

The Jason’s were three brash little pigs,
They lived in really comfortable digs,
But, they bet all their money,
On a pony named Sony,
Now, they’re street vendors selling whiskey and cigs.

THE PIT AND THE SPIT

I decided to eat us a big peach,

Now, a peach has a big pit, my pa teach,

When my tooth made a hit,

I knew it be the pit,

I licked it dry, and spit it out of my reach.

THE FORTY TOOT SALUTE TO THE DRAGONFLY FOOTBALL TEAM

Forty toots on my toot toot,

Is the Dragonfly salute,

It's good when marching in a band,

Or, playing from a rising stand,

I show the team I give a hoot.

WHAT DIED IN PHIL'S PIE HOLE?

Phil had the most awful, smelly pie hole,

Like someone didn't flush a full bathroom bowel,

His love said, "no kiss",

"Would rather drink, dog piss",

The bad stink came from deep down in Phil's soul.

"THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH"

Phil became a landlord to make money, and it's aces,

He crams a lot of people into little tiny places,

Phil decided, what the heck,

He takes tenants whole paycheck,

Phil smiles, taking checks from those little starving faces.

I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT

I went to see the King of Pudding, and the King first had me jailed,

Because I did not like his puddings, the King next had me impaled, 

I appealed to his big boss,

She was the Queen of Mustard Sauce,

But before the Queen could act, all my internal organs failed.

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

There was a warped weeping willow tree, and it weeped, and weeped away,

It weeped spring, summer and fall, and cried icicles on Christmas Day,

It's parents were cut for firewood,

That made the willow cry real good,

Then the willow was cut for lumber, built a home for Mr. Gray. 

YETI, YETI IN THE WOODS

Yeti, Yeti in the woods,
You broke in my cabin and ate my canned goods,
You are just one evil dude,
Because you stole my favorite food,

I love my tuna from the sea,
I work hard to have it just for me,
I'd gladly give you my musk rat pelt,
If I could have my tuna melt.
,

MENU FOR MY DINNER PARTY

There's nothing more nutritious than burnt beans and raw fishes,

Everyone loves it:  guests lick clean their own dishes,

Then a desert of ice cream and tripe,

But the tripe must be ripe,

Finally, the fish bones may be broke granting wishes.

FRIDAY THE 13TH, BROWNIES AND "DIE DAY"

It is the evil number 13, on a Friday,

In the scary movies, it is known as the "die day",

You all better beware,

Get too much of a scare,

The back of undies, will have a big brownie pie day.

HALLOWEEN CANDY STORE

It's a real full moon,
And Halloween soon,
The trick and treaters,
Are candy over eaters,

 Making the candy store sales balloon.

I GOT MY CANDY BARS, BRING ON HALLOWEEN

I bought twenty-six pounds of candy bars for my Halloween,

I'm not sharing any of them, because I'm greedy and mean,

I am no silly fool,

My candy bars, stay cool,

I don't want the chocolate ones to melt, and make a messy scene.

NOBILITY, WORMS AND SQUIRMS

Oh, the noble chicken reigns, over the bugs and worms,

And, all creatures in the chicken coup, with the chicken, come to terms,

For the chicken, it can eat ya,

In a battle, it will defeat ya,

But, then here comes the fox, and in it's mouth the chicken squirms.

THE MOTORBIKE PIKE AND THE BEAR

Herman was a northern pike,
He rode around on a motorbike,
When the wind dried his scales,
Into a ditch Herman bails,
Where he was ate by a bear named, Big Mike.

 

A PACK OF COYOTE ALMOST CHEWED MY BONES

I went to the woods to find animal skulls, for props on Trick Or Treat,

I forgot the woods  has lots of coyote, and bones they like to eat,

I ran into a pack of those dogs,

They knocked me down, by piled logs,

I almost was their next meal, but I grabbed a stick, and gave them a beat.

A BIG CAT BOUNCE

A great big snow tiger, chased frightened Santa in his sleigh,

The reindeer team had been drinking, and could not fly away,

When the big snow tiger pounced,

Off Santa's belly he bounced,

Into a train and Santa sang "Na, Na,Na, Na, Hey, Hey...".

RABIES AND THE SNOWMAN

My snowman has rabies and he is unkind,

He threw snow in my face and made my eyes blind,

He had him some chew,

Spit tobacco on my shoe,

He bit me so now, I have rabies I find.

I BOUGHT PROPERTY TO HUNT ON

I signed a purchase agreement, and bought a tiny, country lot,

All it has for a bathroom is a deer blind, and a two quart pot,

There is no place to sleep,

Except under the stars, or in my jeep,

I did find a roadkill deer, I'd eat it, but it's got some rot.

MY WATCHING THE NORTHERN STAR DEFENCE

I was watching the northern star,
Unfortunately, I was driving my car,
I hit some black ice,
My car spun round thrice,
I ended up in the same lane at par.

A BUG HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST A TIGHT TOAD AND A SNAKE

A bug and a snake got into a fight,

The snake slid away because that bug could bite,

Then, from off the road,

Hoped a bug eating toad,

He ate the bug for the toad and the snake were real tight.

THERE WAS A DOBERMAN NAMED SKIMP

There once was a Doberman named Skimp,
He could climb up trees just like a chimp,
He once fell down,
Upon a Greyhound,
Now Skimp climbs up trees with a gimp.

Skimp was a Doberman that went to high school,
He was  excelled at math and could swim,
He was the best at math and made algebra cool,
At swim meets he'd always win.

A PSYCHIC'S PRIDE IN MEDIOCRITY

Misty couldn't spell psychiatry,
So, a psychic she would be,
Her predictions that came true,
Numbered less than a few,
But, she was proud of mediocrity.

THE DEBT CEILING WORRY POEM

Many Americans worry about a "Debt Ceiling"'

I wonder what, where, and why,

For when I look up from where I stand,

I can see only the sky. 

TO SAVE DINNER ADD CHERRIES AND TUNA FISH

I wanted to make a great dinner like is served at the Ritz,

I went to the store and acquired gravy and fresh grits,

 My cooked grits turned out chunky,

The gravy smelled kind of funky,

So, I mixed in some tuna fish and sweet cherries without pits.

   

I SPILLED MY SODA IN MY GOLDFISH TANK, AND MY GOLDFISH, HE DONE DIED

I cried and cried when my goldfish died, because I spilled my soda pop,

In criminal court, I was fair tried, after being arrested by the goldfish cop,

With my pet I won't grow old,

I'm celled in prison, alone, cold,

I am guilty I must confide, because the tank had no pop, stop, top.

Fred's Last Wish

There was a voice echoing in my brainy head,

Turned out it was actually, my dead pet guppy, Fred,

He told me he had just one wish,

That I would never eat a fish,

So all my cans of tuna went to my bulldog, Zed.

THE ACETAMINOPHEN BLUES

I ordered acetaminophen, and got it in the mail,

I took acetaminophen, drove my car, and went to jail,

They said I was intoxicated,

By some numbers I was rated,

I'll be spending the weekend here, because I have no funds to make the bail.

I WENT LOOKING FOR SANTA

I went out West to visit Santa,

But, Santa was not there,

I went back East to visit Santa,

I couldn't find a Santa hair,

I went down South to visit Santa,

"No Santa down here," I was told,

I did not go up North to visit Santa,

Because up there it's just too cold.  

I'M GONNA BE COOL IN LIVERPOOL

The solar eclipse is coming; the goose pooped in my hat,

And, I was rejected by every single college frat,

I think I will drop out of school,

And trip over to Liverpool,

I heard that in Old England, is where all the actions at.

A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON NAMED BOB

A fire breathing dragon named bob,
Would only eat corn on the cob,
What he liked most?
Was to give it a toast,
Then scarf the corn down like a slob.

ROSEY NOSEY FROZEN TOESY

I went outside for recess, and froze my nosey,

Now, everyone says it's a red glowing rosey,

When I walked school to home,

I went on a town roam,

That's when I froze my big tosey.

I WENT LOOKING FOR ROADKILL AND BECAME THE GAME

I walked down the highway to get me a thrill,

To find me some roadkill to cook on my grill,

In the far lane I found meat,

But, my quest became incomplete,

When I took a joyride on a Ford pickup's front grill. 

I ACCOMPANIED WITH MY TOOTER

I was lying around the hotel, and Diego rang,

He wanted me to do some tooting trumpet while he sang,

I of course replied, "yes, yes"',

The display was a success,

I brought a firecracker, so we ended going, BANG!

HE ATE ANKLE AND GOT PAINTED

There was a strange maniac, who lived under Chester's stuffed couch,

When Chester sat down, he bit Chester's heel, and Chester cried, "Ouch!"

Chester got his paintball gun,

That maniac took a run,

The maniac got painted pretty; the neighbors would vouch.

GOURD OF THE EYES

I bought a big gourd for the holidays, it was full of guys,

They were ugly, little gnarly bugs, with great big bulging eyes,

The bugs attacked, and devoured me,

Except in my brain, they raised larvae,

Hoping their baby gnarly bugs, would eat brains and turn out wise. 

SANTA WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Elves make a tasty, magic beer,

That Santa over intakes, I fear,

He slammed a mountain, with his sleigh,

Broke all the new toys, made that day,

Now, Santa is missing, oh dear.

THE PENGUIN AND HIS PIGS

We were once bestest friends, the penguin and I,

I'd lift him up, and he'd pretend he could fly,

Then he ran off with my sweetie,

Far away to Tahiti,

Last I heard, they were raising pigs in Dubai.

THE PENGUIN AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE

There once was a penguin, his name was Charlie,

He wasn't my friend, he stole my Harley,

He stole my babe too,

On my porch, thru poo,

He brews nasty beer, too cheap to buy barley.

THE HALLOWEEN GHOST-FISH

I ate for dinner a Halloween ghost-fish,

It had flavor, but it had no nutrish,

Although, it tasted like salmon,

It did not ease my famine,

But, my cat still licked clean my fish dish.

SONNY DUG MARS

Old Sonny went to mars to dig in the soil,

Everyone called him a crazy old moil,

But he found in his ditch,

The stuff that makes all men rich,

His ditch filled up with grade A crude oil.

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

THE SHINY, PRETTY THING I KILLED

I observed a shinny, pretty flower,

I feared a big, ugly bug might devour,

So I got some bug spray,

And, I sprayed away,

The flower was dead, within an hour.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK STAIRS

A little green warlock, lived at the top of my stairs,

He refused to go outside, because of the big bears,

I said just cast a spell,

Send the bears off to dwell,

To a land where there's plenty of fish, honey, and pears.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse. 

BARRY THE BLUE BOOMERANG WENT WHERE

Barry the blue boomerang, flew fast through the hot air,

He'd fly out just so far, then headed back to one square,

Then along came a strong breeze, 

A bit of a steering tease,

That turned into a tornado, and Barry went where?

THE OLD LADY, THE KIDS, THE SHOE AND THE WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, and he owned a small shoe,

He rented it to an old lady with kids, quite a few,

The kids had some great fun,

By the time they were done,

The shoe was destroyed, and the little warlock had to sue.