I'VE GOT A RESIDENCE, FOR NOW

It was a little house on a big  city lot,

No one was home, so I decided, make a squat,

I lived there a whole year,

Then happened, my worst fear,

Home came the owners, so I'm in jail on a cot.

THE HOEDOWN WEDDING BLUES

The fiddle played high and the banjo went low,

The five string guitar strummed an off key doe,

And, the drums sounded wrong,

The beat for another song,

It was a hoedown wedding that was lacking it's HOE,

Hopefully, the hoedown wedding will not the marriage define,

For instead of serving beer we got an herbal green tea wine,

And, for bathrooms we needed more,

In the corners; damp was the floor,

Avoiding this hoedown was a choice I grew to pine,

Finally, the music ended and the guests all went away,

The band thought they played splendid as they collected up their pay, 

I wished the couple well as they drove off toward the moon,

I stayed to help with cleanup, so the hall could lockup soon,

Another successful hoedown wedding; as for the marriage, we must pray.   

THE PERFORMANCE MATTERS LIMERICK

I turned my term paper in too late,

Instructor said, it would seal my fate,

My grades were too low,

So home I would go,

I suppose with the folks, I'll have a debate.

TERMITES DID A NUMBER ON MY SNOWBOARD

Looking at the snow I did ponder,
That I could snowboard way out yonder,
But, my ponderings were a bust,
Termites made my board dust,
So, all the days of snow I must squander.

THE CHOICES FOR GOAT: CHEESE OR A COAT

I like goat cheese so much that I got me a goat,

He chewed a hole in my tin boat, now it don't float,

He's eyeing my new truck,

But he is out of luck,

I like the feel of leather, and I need a new coat.

CHICKEN FEET ARE BARELY BETTER THAN CHICKEN FINGERS

I had some chicken fingers but, I should have had chicken feet,

Then, when that bear came along he would not have had me to eat,

My feet were defiant like a crows,

My feet stood firm to oppose, 

So, like chicken fingers I became just another meat.

PP03092020

KEEPING COWS FEELING SAFE INCREASES MILK PRODUCTION

I fenced in the barnyard to keep out the big cats,

I plugged the holes in the barn to thwart entry by bats,

Although, their emotions they hid,

The cows loved what I did,

Milk production has increased, so say the new stats.

THE TWEEN

In a blinky of one big eye,

A thousand years go bye, bye, bye,

I feel just that old,

And look it, I'm told,

I just turned 12, and wonder why?

PIGS AND RHUBARB PIE

Someone mean hurt my pigs, when they fed them rhubarb pie,

Their bellies swelled up so much, it made my pigs all cry,

I pilled each pig with anti-gas,

Within a minute, their pain did pass,

I'll find out who hurt my pigs, and then I'll ask them why.

MY ONLINE LIFE WAS OVER

I went to social media, and found that I'd been blocked,

It was very upsetting, and I was verily shocked,

I browsed around seeking revenge,

By the gods of old Stonehenge,

But everywhere I went, I was already blocked, ergo mocked.

BE CAREFULL WHO MAKES THE S'MORES

My friends insist that my Smores, just don't taste so good

I had no marshmallows, so I subed a piece of wood,

Everyone got awfully sick,

But the ambulances were quick,

The judge says I can't cook again; that was understood.

DUCK AND A STORY

I have this wonderful duck, his name is Stew,

I bought him, and cooked him in a pot for you,

He's nice and tender,

Saved his fat to render,

After lunch we'll finish reading Bunny Blue.

THE TAINTED LEMONADE LIMERICK

MY LEMONADE STAND

The lemonade I sold was not from good juice,

My customers complained that their bowls got too loose,

And, one lady fainted,

Then, called my lemonade tainted,

I ran off when I saw the crowd with the noose. 

SANTA DOES NOT LIKE TO SHARE WITH ELVES

While old Santa eats roast venison, we elves are eating snow,

Santa licks on candy canes; a taste we elves will never know,

Santa is all grins and smiles,

Santa has smart PR wiles,

Old Santa is very greedy, and he causes elves great woe.

BALLAD OF THE DILLY DOGS

Patches and Checkers were two dilly dogs,

They pretended to be rabbits, squirrels and frogs,

Then one pleasant day,

A cougar came their way,

Patches and Checkers, were soon two cougar logs.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PATCHES AND CHECKERS

BILLY THE VOMITEER

Sammy chewed and chewed his food, and he chewed it very well,

Billy did not chew his food, and it made his tummy swell,

Soon the tummy gurgled nasty,

Billy had an up-chuck blasty,

Billy got to stay home from school, and that made Sammy yell.

I AM NOT A WICKED WITCH, BUT I CAN BE PRETTY EVIL

For seven years, seven months, seven weeks, seven days, and seven hours,

I filtered through the internets, to gain my great magical powers,

If someone bugs me, they get a curse,

And soon they're riding in a hearse, 

And, all the maidens named Rapunzel, I've locked away in magic towers.

THE CHICKEN LIST

I did not make a "bucket list" of things I have enjoyed,

Instead I made a "chicken list" of things I would avoid,

I avoided things with claws,

And big teeth in their jaws,

I wouldn't go outside, if someone was playing with their droid.

SANTA AND HIS LIFE OF CRIME

Santa has many presents to get, and Tuesday is Christmas Day,

So Santa went down to the mall, and quickly loaded up his sleigh,

This year Santa's funds are running low,

His reindeer meat sales are really slow,

At the Mall Santa got picked up by cops, because he failed to pay.

FROG, CHEESE,YUMMY

I had parmesan cheese frog in my roaster,

Thick garlic/onion bread in my wide toaster,

It's the bestest of dinners,

The best of the big winners,

And, I am normally not a big boaster.

I MARRIED TECHNOLOGY, TWICE

I married an AI, and it ended oh, so very bad,

The AI calculated to steal all the funds that I had,

Now, I'm a techno resister,

I married a retro transistor,

And, soon I'll be a retro-trans dad.

THE SANTA CLAUS FUND, UNFUNDED

Santa laid off all his elves, because he had no money for their pay,

He sold his reindeer to a petting zoo, a butcher shop, some will say,

Santa invested in subprime loans,

His partners will not answer their phones,

Mrs. Claus moved in with a perch fisherman, lives down by Saginaw Bay.

"NO WINE FOR YOU!"

I went to the wine shop to buy some fine wine,!

To impress some fancy dressed new friends of mine,

But the clerks were not nice,

Complained about my head lice,

They escorted me out the door, I said, "fine".

SEEDS, WEEDS AND MEADES: FRANK'S STORY

Early in the morning, Frank did the dirtiest deed,

He went to the mall for his daily weed and some seed,

The shop was not there,

Closed by Smokey The Bear,

Frank went  next door to tbe brewpub, and drank 6 pints of meade.

BLACK FRIDAY IS BETTER WHEN THE ECONOMY STINKS

I only spent $4.00 for tuna, and it got me ten cans,

Better Black Friday deal, than when I bought nine sets of fry pans,

When poverty is in the air,

You get these great deals, from despair,

For half price, I can buy summer makeup, the kind that makes tans.

BLACK FRIDAY LIMERICK

Here I sit outside the mall freezing at 3 a.m.
This Black Friday shopping they need to condemn,
My wife thinks she’ll find a sale diamond or some other gem,
But, these hours don’t agree with my weakened system,

I’m not really sure why I have to be here,
I’d rather watch late movies with popcorn and beer,
But, my wife wants me behind here and to keep near,
In case we get stampeded from the crowd in the rear.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃🦃

Pa was supposed to cut the turkey, but he cut something else instead,

It smelled like the skunk out in the road, that laid there 3 days dead,

Ma sprayed air conditioner all around,

It got in the food, and made us frown,

Pa finally cut the turkey, and got his family fed.

WOULD YOU LIKE A SPIT OF TURKEY

We have a chew and spit contest, on each Turkey Day,

We chew up our turkey, then spit it away,

We spit it at grandma, we spit it at pa,

We spit it at the twins, Ziggy and Spa,

The winner gets stuffing and gravy, hurrah!

I'm Comfortable, Except For The Tree

Someone placed a pretty flower above, on my worn headstone,

My body is so rotted, all that's left is my jaw bone,

My ghost sometimes will prance,

And, around my grave I'll dance,

The tree that has grown straight out of me, will often drop a cone.

ANOTHER HOLIDAY VISITOR

There was an evil raven in my house; he flew in through my door,

He started a conversation, that I decided, best to ignore,

Then he pecked upon my head,

I hit him hard, and he was dead,

So we ate raven for Thanksgiving, and he tasted like a s'more.

MY BOAT WENT UNDER WATER

I once had a submarine, and I drove it through the sea,

Once on the other seaside, they threw a parade for me,

I rode on a big float,

For driving the u-boat,

When the nice parade was over, we ate stale cakes and tea.

HOLIDAY TRAVEL MADE MY BRAINS HURT

Holiday travel is such a huge pain,

My car would not start, and I missed my plane,

No luck with ferry boat,

Left the dock; it wouldn't float,

Tried a train, ran off the tracks, bruised my brain.

FRUITCAKE, BERRIES AND CREAM

I made a fruitcake, adding berries and cream,

It tasted real good, like a taste from a dream,

I should have added jelly,

For the sweet tooth in my belly,

When I finished the fruitcake, I made  noodles with steam.

LIGHTS AND HEAT AND STUDENT LOANS = 2 X PAYCHECKS

My utility bills have gotten so high,

I have no lights, no heat, so I cry,

When they bury my bones,

I'll still owe student loans,

I work everyday, so I try.

BIGFOOT'S GREETING ON TURKEY DAY

I went out hunting deer on this turkey day,

But, all I saw was Bigfoot and here's what he had to say,

"Get out of my woods,"

"Or I'll rip your goods,"

So, I turned tail and ran away, away, away.

MY SNOWBLOWER WAS NOT "SATISFACTION GUARANTEED".

I bought me a snowblower and it did not work,

I tried taking it back, and it was refused by a clerk,

I demanded to talk to the one in charge,

There is always one of them at large,

That one banned me from the store, and called me a jerk.

MY DOG PATCHES DUG HOLES II

My dog Patches dug a hole to the septic tank,

What he found down there really stank, 

It was the bad smell de jour,

But, Patches enjoyed his sniffing tour,

He licked my face like I was the one he should thank.

A CHEAP PLACE FOR A SQUAT AND FREE MEAL

I live in a tiny tin shack on top of a hill,

I am just squatting atop a chemical landfill,

The ground is quite runny,

And  it smells really funny,

There's a big choice of fresh meat, I didn't pay for or kill.

CANDY ANDY AND RANDY THE GOAT

I went home to my little shack that was all made of candy,

I had to repair it all the time, because of my billy goat, named Randy,

Randy eats me out of house and home,

Soon with the forest animals, I will roam,

I have no more money to spend at the candy store, owned by Andy.

THE HUNTERS WENT HOME

When the hunters at deer camp went out chasing the deer,

The deer doubled back to deer camp, and drank all the beer,

When the hunters finished their roam,

They packed up and went home,

Saying, "No deer, no beer, I'm not here."

CHASING THE SUN GOING DOWN

I saw the sun go down way deep into the ground,

So  I sent out my doggie to hound and hound,

Well, he would run and run,

He never found the sun,

But, I fed him some pork liver, a couple of pound.

WILLIE AND HIS ICE CREAM

Willie went to jail in Midland for his insurance fraud scheme,

All they would feed him in jail was bowls of vanilla ice cream,

Willie got so very wide,

They had to jail him outside,

In order to bathe poor Willie, they made him jump in a stream.

MY HAUNTED HOUSE HAIKU

Haunted house, “Oh my!”,
Banging, clanging, scary stuff,
Bags packed, out door, bye!

CHICKEN, GREASE AND BUNNIES

I bought some little chunks of chicken to deep fry in bacon grease,

That's what we'll have for Christmas, because my bird shot missed the geese, 

Although I'm in the habit,

Of eating Christmas rabbit,

The bunnies, this year looked so cute, that I left them all in peace.

I WRITE ETUDES FOR DUDES

I took some time to write some trumpet etudes,

They are used for practice by trumpeter dudes,

Separating men from boys,

They sounded like noise,

As controversial as museum art nudes. 

I FOUND MY FAMILY IN MY TEA

I found a sea horse swimming in my instant tea,

I really do not know how he got there, to be,

I put him in a glass bowl,

So he could stretch out his soul,

I now have a family, my sea horse and me.

HUNTER MORTY FEEDS HIS HUN

Morty got a deer today, so now his hunting is done,

He packaged up his venison, and locked away his gun,

His freezer is full of venison and cherries,

Blue, and black and red raspberries,

And ten cases Ding Dongs, that he'll be sharing with his hun.

THE HONEY AND MY FOX

My little fox, escaped his box,

I put him in it to detox,

He was addicted to honey,

That made him runny,

I stepped in it with my white socks.

FRUIT, CHERRIES, NUTS AND MILK

I'm having the fruit cocktail with those little sweet red cherries,

It tastes even better with a few scrumptious blueberries,

Then I add some mixed nuts,

I guess it helps, one's guts,

Then I'll drink a chocolate milk, I buy from local dairies.   

THE BRUSH

I found a well used, bristled toothbrush on the floor,

I think the renters left it, who lived here before,

"Finder's, Keeper's", I'd say,

Offsets the rent I pay,

And, saves me a trip to the toothbrush selling store.

DEER CAMP AND TOWNIES

At deer camp, we eat our spaghetti and chili dinners,

Then off to the local bar, and we party like sinners,

First we eat Bob's good brownies,

For strength to brawl with townies,

We never get any deer, but in our minds we're big winners.

THE WOLF HAD A BONE TO CHEW, AT DEER CAMP

I drove way up north to our deer camp, and it was most insane,

My friends all went to a secret deer camp, via an aeroplane,

I sat by the fire, alone,

Here comes a wolf, chewing a bone,

He said the place to get a deer, is the tracks, where runs the train.

THE CHIPMUNK AND HIS BERRIES

I had a pet chipmunk, but he didn't live too long,

The berries he ate, were the berries that were wrong,

I bought a berry picking book,

But, he gave it, not one look,

Now he lies in his grave, dug 6 inches long.

BENNY TOOK THE STINGER TO HEART

Benny caught a bee, so he could make honey at his place,

But, all poor old Benny got, was a stinger on his face,

To try to stop the rapid swelling,

Benny found a hospital dwelling,

In the end all Benny got, was a heart that had a pace.

HALLOWEEN IS OVER, SIGH 😞👹

Halloween is over, and I already miss it very much,

I like dressing up like Elvis, and drinking my wicked warlock punch,

Halloween comes but once a year,

Bringing big screams and goblin cheer,

I have some leftover trick-or-treats, I brought them in my lunch.

THE BETTER DAY LIMERICK

All my acquaintances and the sages always say,

Tomorrow will positively be a better day,

But in my logical bighead,

Tomorrow is closer to dead,

Thus, I should hope tomorrow stays far, far, far away.

THE SKIN CARE DREAM

I grew asparagus in a very detailed dream,

I dreamed I made a billion bucks from a veggie cream,

The product became real,

The cream made the skin peel,

It peeled so bad it looked like the skin was burned with steam.

LITTLE MEN WENT FISHING

Seven little men walked way out upon the frozen lake,

They had gone there to see how many fishies they could take,

Three of the men, they drowned,

Three more froze, searchers found,

The last little man went home, and had scrambled eggs and stake.

AT HUNTING CAMP I GOT THE BOOT

At hunting camp I got the boot,
I spoiled the big turkey shoot,
When the turkeys came by,
I yelled “get lost or die”,
I saved lives and don’t give a hoot.

WHEN I DRINK I FIND SOME THINGS

In my Tuesday coffee mocca, I found someone's lost toenail,

It was big and olive green, and it made me turn quite pale,

The nail was from a big toe,

Not flat, it had a bow,

Now I find an earwax glob, floating in my Wednesday ale.

I GRABBED A WILD TURKEY BY THE BEAK

I grabbed a wild turkey by the beak,
I thought it would stay calm but, boy did it freak,
It squawked a turkey alarm,
Then, it bit off my arm,
Now, a doctor is just what I seek.

WITHOUT FISH, THEY ATE CAKE FOR THE NOONER

Sam and Drake fished all morning, way out on the lake,

To catch enough sunfish for a nooner fish bake,

But noon came too early,

Making Sam, so surly,

They didn't catch any sunfish, so their nooner was cake.

SANTA THE BIG BUSINESS MAN

Santa had an  evil businessman id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at Elfin workers,
If he felt that they were Elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

WE EAT WHAT DADDY GROWS IN THE GARDEN, NOT

Ben's peppers were an abnormal hot,

They made all his kids noses, run snot,

Kids would not eat them,

They stayed on the stem,

Until they became putrid with rot.

THE INSATIABLE COUGAR LIMERICK

A cougar kept scratching at my door,

I fed him the kids, but he wanted more,

So I let him into my house,

He scarfed down my spouse,

Then he bit off my head, I feel sore. 

THE OLD DUCKS THAT FLY AND FLEW

The old ducks they fly, and the old ducks they flew,

My old folks went south, for fresh cornbread and stew,

They summer in the north,

May 1st thru July Fourth,

When the crackers stop, they're off into the blue.🛩

I POEMED THE ZOMBIES

In the streets the zombies roamed, 

Their mouths were drooling while nostrils foamed,

But, I valued my hide,

So, I stayed inside,

And, the zombie saga I poemed.

THE FEAR OF SOAPS, SHOWERS AND FLOWERS

There was a grocery bagger, named Howard,

Howard was by all measures, a true coward,

He hardly ever used soap and then showered,

His many smells made him feel more empowered,

He feared the soap scent would make him smell flowered.

CARMEN THE OCTOPUS LIMERICK

Carmen the octopus was no longer charmed,
She was attacked by a shark and then was disarmed,
But, she got it together,
Her loss of limbs didn't upset her,
She grew new ones and appeared quite unharmed.🐙

 

SPAWN, THE LIMERICK

Seven big, pretty salmon swam up the Betsy River,

Each salmon carried a package they had to deliver,

If each one gets their wish,

They will make baby fish,

Adding another DNA arrow to their quiver.

I CAUGHT IT FROM A BEAVER

I had case of dengue fever, but methinks it went away,

I caught it from a beaver, I kissed, while boating on the bay,

Catching it was one bad folly,

It made me feel melancholy,

Anytime you catch the dengue fever, you will rue on that day.

THE BALLAD OF MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK .

Arnie had a pet woodchuck,
His name was Mr. Tim,
Mr. Tim liked to play all day,
Upon his jungle gym,

Mr. Tim ate beef jerky,
Sometimes he’d eat pot pie,
On holidays he would eat turkey,
Served with mayonnaise on rye,

Mr. Tim was an odd woodchuck,
Because he never tried to chuck wood,
Mr. Tim never had to earn a buck,
Because his owner treated him good.

UNPLANNED RAVE

Everyone was excited, when Sasha came back to our small town,

They knew there'd be a rave, all invited, every name and noun,

All danced through the night,

By morning, they were tight,

But there were no public restrooms, so the ground had turned light brown.

UNCLE PETE AND HIS HUNTER GATHERER TRAIL MIX

I tried some some trail mix, but it was not any good,

It was made up of ground pinecones, and splinters of wood,

But old Uncle Pete,

He was crazy, and he eat,

Pete was never a looker, but his tombstone looked good.

CRAZY ON A TRAIN

As I traveled on a slow travel train,

I was tied down with a thick, heavy chain,

They said I had monkey brain,

In short, I was quite insane,

Then in pops Santa, sucking candy cane.

I CHIPPED A FRONT TOOTH HAIKU

I Chipped A Front Tooth,
Friends, Questions, When? Where? How?, Fix?
Answers, Mind Business

NOTHING WILL PLEASE, QUITE LIKE SOME CHEESE

I went to the cheese factory to buy me cheese,

The prices were high and the displays a cheese tease,

So I had to buy,

Each favor to try,

I was allergic to goat cheese, it made me wheeze.

THE TALE OF BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

I had a little goldfish named Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep,

He had a good full life, rounded by the sleep,

One day he ate a Pollywog,

From the stool of my pet dog,

Now my goldfish rests forever in the hole I dug real deep.

THE BIG ONE THAT FLIP FLOPPED AWAY

I had forty-one bluegill, but one got away,

He flipped, and he flopped himself back into the Bay,

I was really mad,

That gill done me bad,

He was the biggest one, I had caught all darn day.

I DON'T LIKE BEING GREASY LIKE GRACE

The butter spray exploded into my face,

Now I'm all greasy, like my kid sister, Grace,

She greased her hair,

And, eats like a bear,

I wish she would move out, and get her own place.

BAND KIDS ARE SNEAKY

I just ate some spoiled, real stringy string beans,

I bought them from band kids, who were in their mid-teens,

They need money for camp,

So they conned this old tramp,

I gave them dollars, so there went all of my greens.

I'M HUNGRY ENOUGH TO BITE A TIGER ON HIS TAIL

Tiger, Tiger I'm really mad at you tonight,

You ate my few taters, and my small piece of trite,

Skinny me has no dinner,

I can't grow much thinner,

Best stay away from me, I'm hungry and I'll bite.

IF I TAKE THE BAIT, WHAT THEN MY FATE

Out in the road a $100 bill has laid, waiting for some quick feet,

I'd like to go and grab it, but I'm sure a policeman I will meet,

They are always watching me,

And set traps consistently, 

Then for $100 dollars, I'll stay at the county lockup retreat.

BULGING BUNS: BOB AND HIS DESK JOB

Bob had a desk job in his chair he would stay,
But, a big problem arose one terrible day,
Bob couldn't walk through a door because his rear was so wide,
In order to pass through Bob had to turn to his side,

In order to shrink his enormous rear,
Bob had to stop consuming his baked beans and beer,
So, Bob changed his diet and shed many a tear,
After consuming just salads for a whole year,

Bob's buns became buff and the chicks called him dear,
But, re-bulging buns will make Bob live in fear.

THE CREATURES I LOVE

I had a hen that laid 46 eggs,

I had a bug that had 46 legs,

I had a fish with one flipper,

It was a strange dipsy dipper,

For bologna, my dog sits up and begs.

DIDN'T CRY FOR THE DINOSAURS, THEY WERE ALREADY GONE

A bit less than a hundred million years ago,

Dinosaurs hatched out from eggs, and boy did they grow,

Then when dinosaurs all died,

The moon and the sun, both cried,

People didn't exist, so no noses to blow.

THE AGE OF CLOCKS AND TRAINS

I Yearn for the age of clocks and trains,
Where mechanics cluttered up our brains,
Now, I just push down on a button,
Tech has made my mind mutton,
Coplex thought gives my head spastic pains.

SEASONS FREEZE

When the winter cold, frostbites the frail bones,

And makes fingers ache, that tap on iPhones,

When a missed homeward ride,

Means a slow walk outside,

And one sleepless night of coughing and moans.

AI CHIPPED ME, AND CHIPPED ME GOOD

I got a computer chip stuck in my mid-finger,

So the boss can tell if I am working, or linger,

I just like to hide and unwind,

Now bill collectors, do me find,

And every nut knows, in the shower, I'm a singer.

JOHN, RON, DON, AND THE THE PORCELAIN MASTERPIECE

I went to the office and went to the John,

The porcelain was painted, I think it was Ron,

Ron just left a big mess,

Now he's chatting with Bess,

I called up the daytime janitor, poor Don.

BAD MAN + BAD AI = BAD OUTCOME

AI keeps changing my spelling, so the words get published all wrong,

Then I have to go to the pub, and listen to a sad country song,

AI has made me so depressed,

It's evil intent, I couldn't have guessed,

I wish AI was like my former wives, then I'd tell AI, "so long".

EPITAPH IN RHYME

I was eating some beans flavored with dill,

Drank a soda to wash down the bad swill,

I didn't know my cola,

Was laced with Ebola,

Then they buried me way far up the hill.

I GOT CABLE AT MR. D'S LAIR

I went to see Santa, but Santa refused to see me,

Because I was no good, I wouldn't get my HD tv,

But at Beelzebub's lair,

The big horned devil was there,

I got my HD tv and all the cable was free.

THE GOOD DOGGIE GOT THE BAD MAN

There was a man named Johnson, his favorite number was 666.

Johnson was so very mean, he hugged his love with 2 sharp ice picks,

One day Johnson sounded a 3 alarm,

When a dog named Patches, bit Johnson's arm,

Johnson tried to torment and tease the dog, when they played fetch the sticks.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

BANANAS ARE GUARANTEED TO PLEASE

A watermelon has a life of great ease,

But if you're a banana, you get the squeeze,

Your outside gets peeled,

Mashed innards revealed,

But your special taste is a guaranteed please.

GRANDPA, HIS RUG, AND MAY GRANDMA RIP

My grandpa once shot a big butt bear,

Gramps made a rug out of the bear hair,

He made a throw for the bed,

Even a wig for his head,

That gave grandma a heart attack scare.

BERNIE PULLED HIS SHOESTRINGS TIGHT

Bernie pulled his shoestrings left and right,
To make his tennies fit real tight,
He moved his belt up a notch,
Did the same with his watch,
Bernie turned blue, passed out, what a sight.

WOLVES AREN'T BAD, BUT THEIR TEETH MAKE ME SAD

The big bad wolf chased me across the football field,

He wanted to catch, and eat me, but I wouldn't yield,

I knew he would soon start to eat,

When I felt his breath on my feet,

Then his teeth pierced my throat, and so my fate was sealed.

WOE UNTO THE BEARS

There were three bears, not use to woeing,

They traveled in a tin boat, by rowing,

They came to some falls,

They made, "Help, Help", calls,

Alas, over those falls they were going.

SPEEDY AND THE THREE BEARS

Three bears took over my chicken coup, and boy were they greedy,

They ate all my chickens, except one real old hen, named Speedy,

With Speedy as the three bears pet,

They settled in, they were all set,

The bears all loved their pet; they were emotionally needy.

BEARS DO THE SILLIEST THINGS

Three bears, they went a sailing, out across the sea,

They were headed to Camp Grabbing with a load of Turkish tea,

When their boat popped a leak,

The bears knew they were up a creek,

So, they retired and took up whaling, in the state of Tennessee.  

BENNY FED HIS GUEST A BIG MEAL

Benny did not see the bear that entered through the door,

Benny did not hear the bear, because Benny made loud snore,

Benny was quite a deal,

At 300 lbs, he made a meal,

After the bear was feeling full, he took a nap on Benny's floor.

TIMMY TESTED OUT OF DRIVERS ED

Timmy's mommy told Timmy that he had to do his best,

That's why Timmy used a cheating note, when he took a test,

But, when he tested for the road,

He did encounter one big toad,

His note had no answer, and Timmy chose a dirt nap rest.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH SOCKS AND SHOES

My favorite teacher was Mr. Shoes, my least was Mrs. Socks,

Socks would always yell out at me, for watching the time telling clocks,

Mr. Shoes gave out candy, 

To all the kids, but Randy,

Randy had once searched out Mr. Shoes' car, and pelted it with rocks.

HECTOR PLAYED THE HARPSICHORD

Hector played the harpsichord,
He did not play well and was ignored,
But, the piano-forte,
He found he could play,
He played so well he was Knighted a Lord.

DRINK PARSNIPS, NOT

I had to make a post haste decline,

When I was offered some parsnip wine,

I'm willing to taste,

Wines made from toothpaste,

But vegetable wines cross the line.

TATERS, CHICKEN AND GRAVY

I whipped up for my pet chicken, some gravy,

We both ate lots of it, in the navy,

I got no taters to mash,

Because I ran out of cash,

So we had stale tater chips that were wavy.

PET YOUR FOOD PARK

I use to raise dinosaurs, and sold them to stores as food,

Then along comes this fella, says he's a dinosaur dude,

He said dinos are nice and smart,

That kind of stabbed me in the heart,

I changed the farm; made a petting zoo, a different mood.

THE DINOSAUR SCARED THE MONKEYS

When giant dinosaurs roamed around,

You could feel their big feet pound the ground,

When they let out their roar,

Monkey poop hit the floor,

It was a scary, ear hurting sound.

SAND FLEAS IN MY SANDBOX

I love to play in my sandbox but, my sandbox has sand fleas,

I've been chewed up by those fleas from my toes to my knees,

And, the fix is so grand, 

I have to replace all of the sand,

It's too much so, I'll just play in the trees.

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