MY BEST FRIEND PARANOIA

Paranoia is my best friend,
It protects me from dangers that lie around every bend,
For round each bend I just know,
The boogeyman's planing me woe,
My friend says "run away to defend."

QUEST FOR DUST

I went to get some pixie dust but, could not find a pixie,

Some said I should look up north, others said I should whistle Dixie,

So, I went out west instead,

Looked along a stream that glaciers fed, 

Alas, there was no pixie dust,

Just some gold and silver crust,

It seems my trip was one big bust,

So, I give up, I guess I must.

I CAN'T READ: I'M ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is just my speed,

I just wish maybe, I had learned to read,

The pictures draw my attention,

But, I'm often lacking comprehension,

So, imagination fills my comprehension need. 

FIGS, RIGS AND BIG BUCK DEER

Amy liked to munch on figs,
While driving along in real big rigs,
Once she dropped her fig on the floor,
Then went reaching for some more,

Out jumped a big buck deer,
That caused Amy to try to veer,
She missed the buck but could not steer,
She may still eat figs, just not around here.

I PRETEND AT THE SKI LODGE

I dodged trees as I skied down the hill,

Pretending Olympic historians would find me a thrill,

And, my pretend crowd,

Was shouting so loud,

The Olympic committee paid my lodge bill.

TIME IN A THROTTLE

If I could put time in a throttle,

I'd set my spaceship to lightspeed and cruise,

At lightspeed I don't scare,

For I'm a tired old bear,

I'd go to the back of my spaceship and snooze.

  

THE CATFISH ODE IN C MINOR

The catfish has great fortitude,

And, just a bit of an attitude,

The catfish is not dainty,

Bottom feeding on stuff tainty,

A free roamer with a land catitude.

My Planet Far Beyond

I come from a planet far beyond your yellow star, the sun,

It's the planet of toys where all just play and have great fun,

While my people all love slacking,

Your people are fun, lacking,

And, you manage your relations with a gun.

A LESSON IN GRAVITY THANKS TO MY SWEET TOOTH

I went to the dentist to fix a cavity,

He blamed my lack of judgment and my sweet tooth depravity,

But, I have no other treats,

Except, for my sweet candy sweets,

When the dentist chair collapsed I blamed it on gravity.

BIG FOOT VAMPIRE SUCKS BLOOD TILL THEY'RE DEAD

Connor the vampire made big media news,

It was,discovered he wore size 35 shoes,

But, after a bite on the neck,

No one gave a heck,

For they were down with the blood sucker blues.

THE UNIVERSE DREAMS

As we master connections through entanglement schemes,

With connected tissues that have no wires or beams,

With understanding or not,

We live out the plot,

Forever as the universe dreams,

We've found the alpha and omega at last,

Unified space and tme; present, future and past,

And, in this reality we face,

What defines our place?

Well, we're more audience and not the stars in the cast.

COLLECTING COINS FOR UTILITY BILLS

When I was young at numismatics I was a wonder,

I went through pocket change looking for rare coins to plunder,

Alas, I grew up and those thrills,

Ended with utility bills,

Which ravaged my collection asunder.

The Rare Bird

I'm a rare bird because I like to learn,

Not to make money; I have no ambition to earn,

I do think it's vital,

I receive the teacher title,

Then, my knowledge from you folks, I'll return.

I CHASED OFF A,POACHER AND SHARED A BEER WITH MY BEAR

I caught a bad guy way out back,

He was poaching deer near his lean-to shack,

So, I gave him a scare,

By calling in a big bear,

He ran off and left his beer in a sack.

TODAY I'M THE BIRTHDAY BOY

Today, I'm the big birthday boy,

I'll make tacos to give my belly joy,

A brownie I'll bake,

For my birthday cake,

For my present, I won't eat any soy.

I LOVE THE OLD APPLE TREE

Made poor by my bills, I would never be free,

I worked in a store and ate only lint tea,

Then, I married a real outsider,

But, a real steady provider,

One catch, I married an old apple tree.

DILLY THE SCRATCHY CAT

My cat Dilly shows me love with his scratches,

That's why I keep around some extra eye patches,

And, Dilly my friend, 

Will scratch my end to end,

The scratch on my foot and my face are matches. 

A WITCHES CURSE AND MY CAR PASSED GAS

A witch put a curse on my transportation,

I cut her off; she followed me to the gas station,

And, when I put in gas,

To the ground it would pass,

Then, I lit up like the birthday of our nation. 

FIRE WEST

I drove my van out West to see the big fires,

I was doing real good till the heat melted my tires,

There was no turning around,

So, I took off across the ground,

But, got caught then, I burned up in some briars.

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

THE MONKEY IN THE CAGE LIMERICK

There was a monkey in a cage,
His incarceration filled him with rage,
If you wanted his scoop,
He’d throw at you some poop,
Interpretation: he hates this age.

VAPING AND THE MULTIVERSE DON'T MIX

A creature came from the multiverse and it was really bad,

It's secretions dissolved things like my brother, mom, and dad,

Their demise led me to almost escape,

But, I had to stop and vape,

My mom said vaping was habit forming but, I learned too late, so sad.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,

I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,

With my ratio of lost weight,

I've confirmed an end date, 

Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

The First Frost This Fall

On this chilled, frosty morning my red car has turned white,

My bright, beautiful garden has died overnight,

I look on with despair,

Then, decide I don't really care,

I'm climbing back into my bed to sleep tight.

LIFE BEYOND THE ROAD CONES

Way up north in Michigan beyond where the highway ends with cones,

The snow is so damn deep, it's beyond all habitable zones,

That's where I built my cabin; up on Iceberg Bay,

Where even bugs and vermin will never try to stay,

Of course, it's where trees will never grow,

So, no firewood juts through the snow,

And, a nice warm fire is really rare,

Since, all there is to burn is your own hair,

For your food you must ice fish,

There are only carp but, they fulfill my wish,

Carp are the only food upon my dish,

A price that I pay to live in far, north Mich.

To the big cities I will never flee,

I'd rather freeze and starve and embrace misery,

In the cities you are restricted where you crap and pee,

But, there's no restrictions beyond the road cones and that's called free.

No Coffee Grounds So, I'll Make Job Hunting Rounds

Oh where, oh where did my coffee grounds go?

I couldn't buy new coffee because I ran out of doe,

I need coffee before I go earn some cash,

So, I looked for grounds in the sink and in the trash,

Alas, at work I'll be fired when, I'm caught moving slow.

THE GAS GIANT

I went to a planet just made up of gas,

It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass,

I followed after the foe,

But, turned around and didn't go,

What if the giant left me a planet with mass?

TROLL FEED

Trolls thrive where humans keep their tombs,

Trolls eat on humans time exhumbs,

 For mortal bones,

Aren't held by stones,

For weather cast them out their wombs.

THE EARLY, EARLY FROST

A chill came down from the north

It froze my melons at noon August 4th,

And, all of my corn,

Had frostbite by next morn,

So, no food in my freezer I'll storeth.

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,

And, if he tried to ignore it, the run would drip down on his clothes,

Robbie finally, gave no care,

Hoping his date was unaware,

Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

REVENGE OF THE DAMNED

A beaver put up a dam,

It flooded just where I am,

Because of what he did,

It cost me many a quid,
But, some dynamite gave his dam a bam!!!

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THE LEAGUE OF ONE EYES

I play darts in the league of One Eyes,

None of us are too good; that's no surprise,

We have piercings galore,

Each game we bleed sore,

But, we're happy if nobody dies.

WHEN THE WIND BLEW MY ROADKILL

When the wind blew up the street,

It dried my roadkill, made it tough meat,

Might been bear, might been turkey,

It was hard chewing jerky,

But, the road tar made it sweet.  

SOMEONE HIT MY GARBAGE CAN TONIGHT

Someone hit my garbage can earlier tonight,

The can ruptured, the bags split and, the contents became blight,

Now, I had taken to rest,

Decided patience was best,

And, by morn my garbage had blown out of sight.

THE NIGHT BEFORE MORN

I turned my dark, night backyard into day,

With my sodium light display,

And, with my gas grill before the morn,

I toasted wieners and roasted corn,

Then, I got out my trumpet and blew that horn.

I SPEAK FEW WORDS AND UNDERSTAND FEWER

I speak few words and understand almost none,

I like animal speech because it is more fun,

Growling and biting,

Are just more exciting,

Especially, when it makes people run.

COPING WITH YOUR HYGIENE

When everyone offers you a breath mint,

While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint, 

And, being gifted with bar soap,

Means that you need to cope,

And, your hygiene goes beyond just a hint.

DONNY IS IN BAD SHAPE

Donny got athletes foot disease,

But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze,

Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse,

A family curse,

His bowels might move or, sometimes just tease.

VELCRO: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun,

But, they are not for everyone,

Some like long strings,

Such personal things,

But, they'll send you on a trip when you run.

OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.

WHERE DID THE PETS COME FROM?

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild,

My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild, 

My pet snake slithered up from the swamp one night,

My fox came from the hen house of farmer Dwight,

My rat I found out back one day where the chicken bones are piled.  

GETTING YOUR HEAD CLEAR

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush,

It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush,

Control that fear,

Your goal is clear,

Just remember when you're done to flush.

MY HOME COOKING SECRETS

If you cook something that no one will eat,

Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit,

If there's time to change "reject" to "devour,"

Then, deep fat fry the stuff after dipping in four,

There's always a way to make crap food a treat.

KEEP INTERNAL ORGANS FROM LIGHTENING STRIKES

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad,

It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad,

My bladder emptied real fast,

I felt better at last,

I joined my late grandma, passed aunt and dead dad.

ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S FACE🎨

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕

It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰

If they'd only stay quiet,🐷🔇

They wouldn't incite constant riot,🎃

And, might join what is called "human race."👴👐🚽

THE KING WHO DOES NOT SHARE

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer, 

And, on planet mars all beer is dear,

So it's back to the earth,

Where I started at birth,

Where spirits are as plentiful as corn ear.

HOW I GOT OUT OF MY TIMESHARE

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout,

But, never a bear I found there about,

But, a cougar made me dead

When, he bit off my head,

O.K., from my timeshare I finally got out.

I FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE FLOOR

 I found a dollar on the floor,

The one I lost the day before,

I had accused my roommate of stealing,

Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,

And, started a name calling war. 

THE PRESIDENT IS CRAZY SO I TEST HIS I.Q.

If I sum some sums each day,

I receive a stipends, a little pay,

And what sums do I do,

Well, I grade a test for I.Q.,

For presidents with minds that aren't quite O.K.

I INQUIRED THEN I WAS ACQUIRED

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard,

It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard,"

I inquired with a call,

I was met by policemen Et. Al,

I spend most of my days playing ball in the yard.

MY OVERHEATED WORKOUT TURNED COLD

During my workout I got way overheated,

So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated,

My shirt was drenched, solid wet,

I ripped it off, now I regret,

My belly is cold and my back likewise treated.

I PORT WINE DINE ON A TIC-TOC PINE

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰

When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱

My tic-toc was smashed,💔

When my roof caved and crashed,🏚

Now, I drink outdoors the cheapest port wine.🍷

WHY I CHAW

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores,

It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores,

So, why do I chew?

Well, I look cooler than you,

And, that opens up those opportunity doors.

I FLEW TO CORNING AND DIED

On today's dark wicked, heated morning,

The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning,

Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here,

He broke my body that I loved dear,

And, moved my bod from Detroit to Corning.

MY TENTATIVE JOB MAKES ME PART OF THE MOB

I have a tentative job,

As a hit-man for a notorious mob,

I won't feel too sad,

For I'll be after the bad,

Who, from gangsters they're attempting to rob.

THE PICKLE SAGA

And the pickle kept on growing,

Numb pickle brain remained unknowing,

After a quick peel,

It became my meal,

I saved some seeds for future sowing.

COPING WITH COVID BLUES

I hear nothing but bad news,

I have the Covid virus blues,

I can only cope, 

By voting out the dope,

With the orange face and short twit fuse.

I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Some days I just have to get sleep,

So, my pretty face I can keep,

Everyone pines,

To lose facial lines,

And, late nights cause face lines to creep.

I CHEATED TO GO TO SCHOOL

I got into college but I had to cheat,

I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat,

I gained lots of knowledge,

While in barber college,

And, the dean had plenty to eat.