I TOOK THE TOOTH FAIRY TO COURT

I lost my tooth and the tooth fairy gave me only a dime,

The tooth had a gold cap so, the fairy committed a crime,

So, I took the tooth fairy to court,

The judge ruled that my tooth came up short,

 It was discounted because it was covered all in grime. 

FOREVER VILIFIED BY A PHOTO

In photos, why do thin people always stand next to me?

They make me look huge since, I have their girth times three,

I'm in a food hog position,

Causing them malnutrition,

At least that's what generations will see.

MEAN DON'T CUT IT WITH THE REEPER

I should of been my brother's keeper,

Told this was I by Grim The Reeper,

I was terrible mean,

Too late to come clean,

I'll be real uncomfortable when I'm a sleeper.

I WENT TO THE GROCERY AT THE END OF MARCH

I went to the grocery store at the end of March,

All I could afford was a small box of starch,

But, I'm glad it was present,

To feed this starving peasant,

I just need a pop or I'll parch.

YEARBOOK

I went to my senior yearbook but, that was a bust,

All of the pages had turned into dust,

Of course it might be a win,

For I never fit in,

I got by, got my diploma but, just.

CREAM CORN AND YAM: HAPPY EASTER TO SAM

I can't go to the store for an Easter ham,

My main menu item is an expired canned yam,

But, I will not morn, 

I found a can of cream corn,

Which I'll share with my mouse guest named Sam.

STUFF FROM THE EASTER BUNNY

I dreamed the Easter Bunny brought me three cans of peas,

He brought me three cans of corn and cough drops for disease,

But, he brought me no candy,

Just a stuffed chicken named Andy,

And, a jar of honey manufactured by bees.

THE CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY TREAT

A large chocolate Easter bunny went hopping down the street,

Starving little children watched with want for food to eat,

So, I journeyed out my door, 

 With my golf club I named "Four,"

 And, all the little children had a chocolate Easter treat.

MY DUSTY EASTER EGGS

The eggs I have are powered to dust,

For Easter I'll use them I suppose,  I must,

There's no fresh eggs or fresh bacon,

From the store shelves they've been taken,

My Easter breakfast this year is a bust.

I DECLARE SNOW FORT INDEPENDENCE

I declare my independence with my snow fort nation,

Anyone who attacks will get a snowball ration,

This ain't any gag,

I've got a snow fort flag,

I'm piling ammunition for a long duration.

A VAMPIRE FINDS THE LIGHT

After living forever under a vampire curse,

I decided to escape to a multiverse,

Through a portal I made my run,

Found a verse with only sun,

I tried to escape to  a brand new verse,

Now, things have become much, much worse.

THE FAMILY BULLY PICKS WHAT'S ON THE BIG SCREEN

When the family is all home the tensions rise and rise,

And, as time wears on there's a good humor demise,

At the end there are no more votes,

On where the remote control floats,

Brute force wins in the end, no surprise.

I WENT FISHING FOR STEELHEAD IN THE WEE EARLY SPRING

I went fishing for steelhead in the wee early spring, 

With a hook-line, the capture is a spiritual thing,

A steely will lunge round logs and rocks,

A fight lasts many ticks and tocks,

The fillets so delicious; what satisfaction they bring.

TEA WITH THE WRONG TASTE

That tea just tasted so wrong,

It wasn't brewed even that strong,

Of course I knew it was old,

When I scraped off the mold,

It's a barff night; I won't be waiting too long.

BASKETBALL ON THE MOON

I went to the moon and built a basketball court,   

I love to dunk baskets but, on earth I'm too short,

Of course, my shots are too long,

When I play moon based pingpong,

However, on the moon pingpong ain't much of a sport.

MY BACON, APPLE, CINNAMON, CHEEZY PIE

I kept my baking powder very dry,

So, I could bake my Apple pie,

I use apples, cinnamon and cheese,

I bake at 350 degrees,

And, pile on bacon to the sky.

I PINE AND PINE FOR MY TREE

I pine and pine for my tree,

It was an oak that disease made soul free,

But, I loved it the most,

And, I yearn for its ghost,

To comfort and stand over me.

DOG GONE UNICORN WILL BE MY HASH BROWNS RUIN

I just saw a unicorn skipping across the farm,

He went trespassing through my potato patch and did my taters harm,

The taters became hash,

And, only fries get me big cash,

Next time I'll get that unicorn when he trips my new alarm.

BE KIND, BEARS

I went out to the chicken coop and what beasts did I find,

Two great big bears and they were unkind.

They ate my rooster named Joe,

And, my favorite hen, Flo,

Then, upon my shocked face they did dine.

I ORDERED ONLINE AND I AIN'T DOING FINE

I stayed in place and ordered all of my stuff online,

I emptied the boxes that came now, there's nowhere to dine,

And,

My living room is filling,

I just hope providence is willing,

To save me a spot to drink wine.

DOES ANYONE HAVE CLEAN UNDERWARE?

Does anyone have clean underware?

Or, are they all soiled because TP is rare?

Of course it's best not roam,

But, just stay to home,

Where your friends and your family won't care?

I'M A DREAMER NOT A LOOSER limerick

Although I might be a poor choice chooser,

And, some would define my state to be looser,

But, I must protest,

Because I'm on a quest,

A dream quest so, I'm a snoozer.

I OVER SHELTERED IN PLACE

I was ordered to "shelter in place,"

Then, they cut the utilities at my shelter base,

So, there I quietly stayed,

For about a dcade,

When I left no one knew my old face.

ALONG CAME THE GRIZZLY BEAR

I had lots of pumpkins and bosc pears,

So, I fed them to the local bears,

Then, this grizzly comes along,

It ate the local bears; that's wrong!

Then, the grizzly ate my mule and mares. 

WHAT THE RAIN BROUGHT

The rain fell down on the road,

It froze: all wrecks were eventually towed,

Deep ditches I feared,

When the bottoms I neared,

I feared worse the repair bills I owed.

  

WHAT'S CORN GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I am in love but, I know scorn,

I am ignored like the never born,

Truly I must say,

Love hurts in that special way,

Like lacking teeth to chew up corn.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREE CORN IN THE SNOW

Four ears of corn stuck out of the snow,

Two turkeys took it for a free eat & go,

But, the corn was just bait,

Owned by an eagle and mate,

In wait to unleash talon woe.

PREDICTIONS

Tuesday, there will be record cold

Wednesday, there will be plague,

Thursday, that's when the stock's are sold,

Friday's outlook is still quite vague.

Saturday, we all eat pie,

Sunday, no one gives a hoot,

Monday, we'll ask great spirit why?

Tuesday, "Taps"we''ll toot, toot, toot.

IT'S WHAT'S IN THE SYRUP THAT COUNTS WITH PANCAKES

I eat lots of pancakes which keeps me well fed,

I ran out of maple syrup so I used cough syrup instead,

The flavor made it a different dine,

It was like pancakes and wine,

I passed out and I awoke, wet to bed. 

VELCRO QUICK

I bought some shoes with Velcro stick,

It makes securing footwear so very quick,

Those long complicated shoelaces,

Would put me through my paces,

And, getting a bow to stay tied was some trick.

WHAT FELL IN THE TREES STAYS IN THE TREES

Nobody knows what fell in the trees,

But, they say that my uncle crawled out on his knees,

Was there an alien race?

From deep outer space?

Or, did my uncle urinate on some bees?

READ CAUTIOUSLY OR DEVINE EXPLANATION

Hiding in the woods dark green,

Down below the forest spleen,

Central music from the pond of frogs,

Instinctively, the choir sings from island logs,

Of their alien world of in between.

THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY: MY WORST FEAR CAME TRUE

I went to the Michigan primary and found my worst fear,

I was in line behind Santa, his sleigh, elves and, deer,

The elves and deer had big fight,

Over which candidate was right,

And, Santa's pipe made my eyes ache and tear.

MY PRETZEL PAST

In my pretzel past, I was an overeater,
I ate pretzel snacks with a pop, 1.5 liter,
With all the pretzels I ate,
I gained plenty of weight,
So, on planes I occupied a two-seater.

DON'T FORGET THE SPRAY ON DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY

Daylight savings means workers lose one morning hour,

Most manage a breakfast but have no time for a shower,

So, I just embrace,

The smells of my working place,

And, use can spray with the scent of a flower.

PUMPKIN SUP, NOT!

I spied a pumpkin underneath a dead pine tree,

There was no one around so, I figured it was free,

I imagined it would be my sup,

It could feed my kids and pup,

Then, along comes a bear who claimed the orange meat was for he.

I WENT TO THE MOON TO PRACTICE

I went to the moon where I could find a great vacant land,

Where the neighbors couldn't complain when I pretend I'm in band,

Where I can make a big tone,

On my terror trombone,

And, the police don't take me off to be canned.

THE IDES OF MARCH COMETH THEN, COMETH REVENGE

The Idea of March cometh soon in the year,

That's when dear Brutus gifted Caesar a tear,

Because he thought Caesar was wrong,

Brutus joined the stab along,

But, Brutus cringed seeing Caesar's heir carried a spear.

GOAT CHEESE AND MY PRIMARY EXPECTATIONS

I went to the primary to cast my vote,

There I learned my candidate was no longer afloat,

So, I voted with a snore,

Glad I found the exit door,

Then, I went home and made cheese with the goat.

FOR WHOM IT IS DEAR, THE 2020 LEAP YEAR

Long and cold are the February nights that comprise this 2020 Leap Year,
And, adamantly we extol our rights to greet the 29th day with a jeer!
Why make a month in the winter last one extra day?
For winter brings sickness and hunger and scarce light to make pay,
Oh great and the powerful, what lost profits do ye fear?
If the 29th of February would just disappear?





a

A FAREWELL TO MY BACON-WRAPED CHEESE-STUFFED POTATO

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food,

Less, I should become an unhealthy dude,

My bacon-cheese potato,

Is replaced by a salad with grape tomato,

Now I'll live much longer but, I'll be in a crapy mood.

I MARRIED THE OLD FISH FROM THE SEA

I married an old fish who came from the sea,
He was a jolly old fish but, smelly was he,
Perfumes and deodorants didn't take,
I swear they're all fake,
He does smell a bit better when he drinks ginger tea.

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig,

Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,

 Tomorrow I'll awaken with hardly any sleep,

And, I hope at work I do o.k. so, my job I just might keep,  

I think it is incredible each day that I survive,

Until, I drop dead at work and am declared an unalive,

Of course, there are the medicines I take for my aches and pains,

 These meds have scrambled up my guts and eaten away my brains,

To live to be a pensioner I think is real naive,

For all the decades I have worked, not one penny I'll receive,

I have no riches to pass on to my son when he gets big,

But, I'm sure it will fit him so, I bequeath to him my wig.

FROM COLLEGE: LETTER TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND

Deary, deary, deary, dear,

The worst has happened so, I fear,

I met another because you're not here,

I know you love me and you will tear,

Deary, deary, deary, dear,

At school my social life made me wrong stear,

I met a girl who brings me great cheer,

She washes my feet and cleans each ear,

Oh deary, deary, deary, dear,

I guess goodby for at least this year,

Think on me often although, we're not near,

I know your sad but, you still have beer. 

SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July,
Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa, "why?"
Next day Santa woke up atop the Mar's rover,
His deer were on earth munching on some green clover,
Santa couldn't remember his adventure because he didn't want to try.

666

Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw,
Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa,
But, he did not express any charm,
When I sliced off his arm,
I got a spanking and my bottom is still raw.

COUSIN FARMER

He feeds them beans,

And, turnip greens,

Although my cousin is just a farmer,

Among the ladies he's quite a charmer,

Until roasting farm animal spleens.

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

Quoting poets or a special psalm,

I can't find words for my precious mom,

Although, she's been gone more than a year,

On Mother's Day, I shed the tear,

 And, through it saw her standing near. 

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard,

He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard,

I didn't chase the lynx away,

In fact, I hoped he would stay,

He's a goose eater and my garden guard.

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

Today I invented anti-gravity,

I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity,

I just drove along and hit ice,

The saucer rotation was nice,

The cliff though, was bad angel depravity. 

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie,

It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye,

If I am to prosper and live,

Please, a pie piece to me give,

Or, my will to live will just wither and die.

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

What fish do I eat tonight?

My goldfish is hanging with blight,

My swordfish is floating,

In some post mortem coating,

And, my guppy lerches to the right. 

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes,

The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes,

I barely walked up a hill,

And, found a rattlesnake kill,

Thick boots, not sandals are what this trip takes.

APRIL FOOL'S AND THE FISH FACED ROBBERS

I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank,
They loaded their guns and went into a bank,
Then, when they were done looting,
They came out of the bank shooting,
April Fool's, I drove their tank into the lake where it sank.

THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all,

It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball,

I lost my job in a band,

I live mouth to hand,

I need a tambourine repairman to call. 

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm?

What's in my blood that did this fella harm?

Was it the 10-year-old champagne?

Or, the 12-year-old candy cane?

My blood is toxic so, I feel some alarm.

FARM DATES

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big,

I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig,

I told them I would not date,

I already had a mate,

I'm a trucker and I married my rig.

THE GAS GIANT PART III

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt,

He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt, 

In the thirty-fifth century felt is very rare,

Anyone who controls the market could treat people most unfair,

I've promised all the giant's victims a piece of his cankered pelt.

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away,

As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day,

Although in Murphy's grave his flesh did melt,

Beside his wife, the pretty Celt,

He longed for the place his ancestor's dwelt,

Where his heart would forever stay.  

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed,

In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted,

The giant doesn't need a spacecraft for lightspeed to pass,

Lightspeed he achieves by release of noxious gas,

Warning:  if you breathe his molecules you'll soon be deemed dimwitted.