FEEDING POOR KIDS POE

I was so darn hungry, I started eating fresh, fallen snow,

I flavored it with weed seeds, that didn't cause me poisoning, woe,

I flavored the kid's snow with lime juice,

Told them the the snow was magic goose,

Then I read to them "The Tell Tale Heart", by Edgar Allen Poe.

SUSTAINED BY THE EARTH AND SEA

I cannot afford eggs, but I got some egg shells for free,

They fell from a nest, underneath my weeping willow tree,

The egg shells were baby, sky blue,

The color excited my stew,

I flavored it with salt, harvested from the coral sea.

PRICE ANXIETY AT THE GROCERY STORE

I drove down to the grocery store, and walked through it twice,

Everything was too high priced, even the beans and rice,

I thought at least I could afford bread,

That was a fantasy in my head,

I couldn't afford any bread, if I bought it by the slice.

MY SCHOOL PAPER IS AN AI SUCCESS

My skill in writing papers is very ugly, a catastrophe, bad

My graded papers come back, with an emoji face that's eye bawling, sad,

I bought a paper wrote by AI,

It was so brilliant, I had to cry,

I received an A+, and teacher fan fuss, and my win made brainies mad.

EVIL UNDER THE BARN

There's a crawlspace underneath the old, stone barn,

Something bad lives there, and if it gets you, Darn!

It has sharp, smelly claws,

Big toothed laden, huge jaws.

The old beast creeps over a bed of hot skarn.

I DULLED MY HOOK ON A SALMON, AND THE CRAPPIE GOT AWAY

I lost another crappie fish, off my hook,

It was a sneaky fish, and my worm he took,

My rusty, old hook, ain't very sharp,

Because I used it, fishing for carp,

When I hooked a salmon, a great big Chinook.

THE DOUBLE HEADED EAGLE

There was a double headed eagle, that use to sit in my apple tree,

The eagle use to eat the apples, but the apple tree died, recently,

The two heads spotted every small worm,

The eagle liked to catch and make them squirm,

I loved to watch the eagle hunt worms, while I sipped my chamomile tea.

MURRAY THE GOAT COUGHED UP...

Murray ate everything, because he was a goat,

That is how Murray got a fur ball, stuck in his throat,

Murray had eaten a straw hat,

The hat was home to a big rat,

Murray coughed up a fur ball, and his owner's remote.

THE BEER GARDEN TROUT BLUES

Every time I catch a trout, it is too dinky, so I throw it back,

I want to catch a large keeper, so I can give its head a big rock whack,

My big eyes shed tavern tears,

While nursing my bar tab beers,

I wish I could have fish to fry, once I track home to my shack.

ELYSIUM LIVES IN MY CHICKEN COUP

My  bestest friend Elysium, went to take a withdrawal from their bank,

Elysium lost all of their money, because the bank was in the tank,

The bank made zero credit, mortgage loans,

Invested in refurbished, flip flop phones, 

Broke, Elysium moved into my chicken coup, although the smell is rank.

LEONARDO IN MY TREE

I saw Leonardo da Vinci sitting in my dead, apple tree,

He was painting an unflattering oily portrait of little me,

I told him his painting stops,

Or I was calling up cops,

Leo ran down to the boat yard, but six cops tackled him by the sea..

APOCALYPSE HUNTER

Although they're easy to catch protein, do not eat too many rats,

They will give you big gas bubbles, and their meats are full of bad fats,

I eat rats five times each week,

Then other vermin, I seek,

Sometimes I will eat bird, if I find them before, the feral cats.

AN EGG SUBSTITUTION GONE BAD

I was going to bake my kid a nice birthday cake,

But the supermarket had no eggs, for me to take,

I subs some baking soda,

It choked my kid named, Rhoda,

When can I get some fresh, laid eggs, oh, for goodness sake?

INVESTOR WORRY AND DREAD

I invested heavily in hot stocks,

I also bought some gold and silver rocks,

I fretted my brain away,

Until the end of the day,

Always looking at the movement of clocks.

BLOWDART SEASON FOR DINOSAURS

I went hunting real dinosaurs, but I did not see a one,

You can only hunt them using a dinosaur, blowdart gun,

You have to hit them in the heart,

With a fresh poisoned, blowdart

If your dart misses the heart, then you had better start to run.

POEM OF THE SPACEMAN

I am so stuck on this planet, earth,

Been stuck here since my mother gave birth,

It is:  on earth born, on earth bury,

Yet, I feel interplanetary,

Peasants deserve earth; it's space I'm worth.

KING ONLINE

I got an online notice from my king,

Seems I've been saying the wrong kind of thing,

He said I'd better speak nice,

I should heed his advice,

Or in the prison choir I will sing.

THE SAND HILL OF BEETLES, SEEDS AND BABIES

I am a little orange beetle, climbing up a sandy hill,

I am crunching on some little seeds; can't seem to get my fill,

Once at the top,

I will not stop,

I'll eat down the other side; maybe I'll mate, and have a thrill 

BEAR BABIES AND LOVE

I had a gigantic, stuffed panda bear, named Sammy,

He married my cute, stuffed koala bear, named Tammy,

They had an alpha cub,

His name was Bubba Bub,

Bubba married a polar bear, her name was Pammy.

TRINA WENT TO CANADA

Trina went to Canada, to buy herself some maple candy,

Trina bought a Canada cap, for her dear, big sister, Sandy,

Trina flew across the Meridian,

Because she is a real Floridian,

Trina made it home by noon, to open her bottle of brandy.

PHOENIX, BEANS AND JEANS

Phoenix is a great big pit bull, and he likes his navy beans,

I mix in a little meat, and about 1/2 cup of greens,

Phoenix sleeps in my kid's bed,

Phoenix farts, oh dread, oh dread,

If that isn't bad enough, Phoenix chews holes in all our jeans.

BAD LUCK UNCLE LEE

My Uncle Lee has been acting very weirdo, strange,

Ever since Uncle got that slight case of doggy mange,

He also caught a pox, 

While confined in detox,

He's also lost his savings, playing the stock exchange. 

BAD ECONOMY, CHEAP RENT AND THE NUTTER

The economy is in the sewer, not the gutter,

I sold all my golf clubs, including my office putter,

To have rent that's nearly free,

I moved in with Uncle Lee,

He is crazy; the exact definition of "nutter".

THE PLASTIC PLANT AUNT

I love my plastic, indoor palm tree plant,

I inherited it fro!m my dearest, sweet aunt,

It does not mind, colder or hotter,

It can stand the lacking of water,

Can it melt in the front window? It can't.

FOOD INSECURITY, ARE NICE WORDS THAT MEAN STARVATION

Because of severe economic, downturn inflation,

My family's food stores are all gone like a castration,

Gone are foods in cans and the jars,

Food I found in the seats of cars,

We're eating bark and grass, out of hunger, desperation.

RAT DANCING WITH PHIL THE PHILISTINE

My brother was truly, a philistine, so he liked to sleep outside,

He moved into the old chicken coup, with the chickens he could confide,

He didn't like culture, so much,

With family, not in touch,

My brother did come to my wedding, and danced the rat dance with my bride.

MY EX TOOK THE FURNITURE, AND FED MY CAT TO THE RAT

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat,

I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat,

My ex is so dog, gone lame,

The rental is in my name,

My ex owned the furniture, and took their stuff, oh drat!.

THEFT OF THE FLUTE

My favorite, little, straight flute, got pinched today,

Someone evil grabbed it, and ran quickly away,

It has a silver shine,

Smells like menthol and wine,

It toots soothing notes, when I relax by the bay.

I HAVE HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEET

I celebrated my birthday, but did not get a baked, cake treat,

The only present that I got, was some potion for my sore feet,

I rubbed on the magic potion,

It smelled like a dead fish ocean,

A miracle, my pain went away, now I'm dancing to the beat,

THE EVERYTHING SUCKS LIMERICK

My electricity is not steady, like before,

The lights flicker, and flutter, then they shine, never more,

I paid my complete bill,

But, the e-grid  is ill,

Like cloud high food prices, something is sick at some core.

YOU DON'T NEED A HEAD TO SELL LIFE INSURANCE

My life insurance salesman was clearly, very dead,

He showed up to my appointment, without any head,

I offered him coffee or tea,

He just hand patted his left knee,

I signed the contract, he made a sale with nothing said.

THE EYEBALL AND THE STRING BEANS

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low,

Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe,

I begged for some charity,

Was told nothing is for free,

For a three pound sack of string beans, I sold an eyeball, kidney and toe.

THE HOWLING HOOD HUNTER

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do,

Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new,

I will move out to the deep woods,

Where I can hunt Red Ridding Hoods,

Maybe I will learn to hunt some other Hoods, like yellow, green, black or blue.

TITILLATION AND INCARNATION

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait,

That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate,

My titles are "titillating",

The real read is "constipating",

AI can visit my sites, but I wish they laid off the hate.15

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

SCHOOL ROOM INSPECTION

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today,

We live in public, university housing, so we must obey,

They found our bean, bag chair,

Ordered it out of there,

Because it was a fire hazard, and smelled like soiled underwear.

WHERE THE LITTLE FOX PEES

Gordon has a big cardboard box,

Where he  keeps his little pet fox,

The fox has disease,

That spreads when he pees,

Gordon came down with a fox pox.

WARNING: NOT ALL BIRDS LAY EGGS

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats,

I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets,

The two birds, I did beg,

Didn't lay one single egg,

Then I see both birds are male, according to the receipts.

I WORK AT THE JERK

I finally got me some paying work,

I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk,

We serve only jerky,

In our sauce called, murky,

We serve just fowl, mainly chicken and turk.

I HAVE A COFFEE PROBLEM

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot,

It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make you snot,

So, I embraced my draining nose,

It dripped, then wet my frontal clothes,

I'll never sleep because I am hammered, from the caffeine that I got.

TWO FACED MONSTER WAS DOUBLE THE UGLY

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall,

It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall,

It broke down my hard, steel door,

It was a thing from the store,

The display creature, followed me home from the Bizarre Pet Mall.

HURRIED LUNCHBREAK

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry,

That is why I splashed on way too much curry,

I drank six beers, 

Shed sixty tears,

Then it was straight back to work, I did scurry.

THE FOG AND SMALL BOBBER, TROUT MYSTERY

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay,

That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today,

I fretted with brain wonder,

Had my bobber gone under,

Did a rainbow trout grab my leach, and scurry away.

TUMBLEWEEDING TODAY

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today,

The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay,

I tumbled past some fence wire, 

Into a blazing truck tire,

That's when I caught fire, and the wind blew me away.

IT'S DOOR DOWN COLD

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in,

I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can come to a win,

The best that I can do,

Still, freezing cold, boo hoo,

My apartment is much colder, than my refrigerators fresh, produce bin.

CATS OUTSIDE

What should I do, on a boring, old Saturday night?

I could watch outside to see if the two tommys fight,

They have the love smittens,

Each wants to make kittens,

Potential ma cat thinks "no", and she has a hard bite.

THE GREENING OF THE CLOTH

When I put clothes in my brand new, washing machine,

Not matter the detergent, my clothes come out green,

The temperature of the water

Doesn't matter if cold, or hotter,

My clothes do come out smelling fresh, and seem quite clean.

RECKONING FOR THE DOOR AND HEAD

When I get real sleepy, I lie down on the soft, carpet floor,

Hoping I don't get hit in the head, when someone opens the door,

My brother is a mean, door geek,

He booped me in the head, last week,

I let the dog pee on his bed, I think that evens the score.

CHANGING FOOD CHOICES AS SOCIETY IMPLODES

You know your economy is in a full retreat,

When both your grandmas start looking, really good to eat,

I am never complaining,

Weight loss is entertaining,

Be nice to have a ham sandwich, or one pickled beat.

FLUE AND THE UNHAPPY COLOR

Everyone has caught the flue,

Even the little birdies, too,

No one knows what to do,

Who should we chose to sue,

Resting in bed, it's true,

Some are feeling, others turning, the unhappy color, called blue.

I WENT TO THE STORE AND FROZE MY SOCKS OFF

It's Valentines Day, and no one got me roses,

It is cold, and all I got was frozen toeses,

I walked to the store,

Got cold to the core,

Now my toes must come off, the doctor proposes.

WHEN THE BELLY SAYS "ICE CREAM"

I always go for ice cream cones to the Mancelona Mall,

They pile chocolate ice cream high, at least half a foot tall,

They dab on some pinkish fluff,

Then gritty, powdered nut stuff,

You have to eat your cream quickly, or on the floor it will fall.

JUMPING TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF PAUL

The chicken wings are in the deep freezer; the pails of beer are in the fridge,

Grandpa is an old geezer, but he can't keep up drinking beer with Aunt Midge,

For the birthday party for Paul,

I invited everyone I could call,

I offered each a teaser; regarding bungee jumping off of the bridge,

VALENTINE'S DAY MISTAKE

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing,

Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring,

This year I built a nice scrapbook,

Thought they'd like the personal look,

My valentine couldn't stop yelling, and demanding bling.

VALENTINE'S DAY HAPPY

I have no money, no credit to dine my valentine, 

They said, "get lost loser", so I'm not feeling fine,

I went to the theatre -plex,

Saw a dinosaur named, Rex,

Rex destroyed that world; I decided to taste wine.

BLEACH CHANGES THINGS, IN THE LAUNDRY

My socks were making my toes itch and scratch,

So I put the socks in the laundry batch,

I did not use soap,

Or any of that dope,

I did spill in some bleach, now they don't match.

MY SAX HAS COST ME $75,000, AND WARM AIR

My online heating statement is ready, but my bank account is closed,

Each way I look at it, my monthly finances are totally hosed,

To buy my saxophone,

I took out a big loan,

Back in 2003, I didn't know the danger, my credit card imposed.

VIOLENT BEAST HAS BEEN "ZOOED"

My pet camel bit me, so I sold him to the zoo,

After that horrific attack, what else would you do?

 I named him Uncle Terry,!

He likes sniffing strawberry,

If you don't have strawberry, lavender scent will woo. 

KYLE THE PILE

There is a neighbor dog, named Kyle,

He always sleeps quite a while,

He eats his meal,

Does his toilet deal,

Today, I stepped in his pile.

MOVING THE OVERTON WINDOW FOR PROFIT

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese,

I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly, deep freeze,

It tastes so good,

Chews like soft wood,

I hope this product is more accepted, than my purple honey, puked by bees.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE, AND WHAT DID I SEE

I went out on a date, and what did I see,

Two long vampire teeth, coming for me,

I hate to just whine,

But dates found online,

Most often, they will end, unpleasantly.

I HAVE MUMMY IN MY TUMMY

I went into a pyramid, and confronted a beast,

He was looking for yummy mummies, upon which to feast,

The old mummies looked quirky,

Tasted like turkey jerky,

The jerky from the feet, is the jerky I liked the least.

ME AND MY TWIN AND THE BOAT

Although our summer boat was small, and made with tin,

It was the fishing vessel of myself, and twin,

We'd row on the lake,

To hook a fish steak,

Mostly, we got a severe sunburn on our skin.

SPACE FARM ONE, ON MARS

I am excited to start farming in outer space,

I believe Mars makes for the ultimate, testing case,

I will bring cows, and make them stay,

I'll fill their mouths with lots of hay,

I'll suck in the clean air of Mars, a pristine, nice place.

MY JUICE IS PEE: I FOUND OUT

The grape juice that I buy, is mostly made of pig pee,

The Pig Pee Corporation has been poisoning me,

The things that I most love and savior,

Are added sugars and grape flavor,

Are infused with pork fizzy, that would sting like a bee.

MY RECIPE FOR SWEET AND SOUR TUNA FISH

I like to add pineapple juice to my tuna cuisine of fish,

I add a dap of lemon, and some sugar to my tasty dish,

I add the sweetest pickle relish,

Serve with lettuce leaves to embellish,

When I find a fish bone wishbone; I break it, and it grants a wish.

IN LIFE, BEING STUPID HAS CONSEQUENCES

I had a can of old porky beans,

I traded it for some powdered greens,

I tried to get healthy,

But, I was not wealthy,

I was never on a list called "Deans".

THE STOODS

I live in a collapsed mansion, out in the backwoods,

It has an ancient mansion name, I call it "The Stoods",

It stood through revolts and wars,

Great fires, floods and downpours,

It stood off all great evils, an outpost for the  goods.

YOU MUST GO TO BELGIUM, FOR BELGIUM WAFFLES AND EGGS, RIGHT?

My roommates sent me to Belgium to buy waffles and eggs,

I could not find either one, although I walked off my legs,

I flew straight back to New York,

My roommates called me a dork,

I had to stay with my dumb sister, we all call her Pegs.

POLAR VORTEX LOSS

A big polar vortex came down after me,

That's why I'm buried in an ice and snow sea,

I've dug all about,

Found no real way out,

This spring they'll find my carcass; that's how it be.     

I tried making a fire, but have no firewood,

The furniture is metal, so that does me no good,

My clothing is quite warm,

Holding out for this storm,

I will last dream of my babe, walking old Hollywood.

When I thawed, I was buried deep in the ground,

I heard my babe crying, a faint, fading sound,

Forever is lonely, I understand,

Just darkness and quiet,

No sky, ocean or land.

 

Note: "Sweet Betsy Of Pike Melody"

COFFEE CREAMER CHOKING CHUNKS

My coffee creamer had turned into a Romano cheese,

It had been on the porch a fortnight, and did a deep freeze,

My coffee floated cheese chunks,

That stuck together in hunks,

It did not taste too good, and choking on chunks, made me sneeze.

SCHRODINGER'S CAT UNBOXED

My friend Schrodinger, could not find his son's, dead cat,

It was not in the box, where it should of been at,

The mystery did grow,

Then we spied my son, Moe,

With a cat tail hanging from his mouth, what a brat.

HEALTHCARE FOR CHICKENS

I had a pet rooster, too bad he got head lice,

I pulled out his feathers, and in fat, fried him twice,

I killed off his bugs,

The kids gave me hugs,

We ate that pet chicken, and he tasted real nice.

GAMMA GRANDMA AND THE MONKEYS PAW

My monkey's unearthly armpits, smell like bananas,

Not like chunk, diced onions, emanating from nana's,

My monkey's little paw,

Reminds me of grandma,

Her skin is so wrinkled, from sunbathing in gammas.

BLEEDING OUT A CRICKET HOLE

I was hunting bugs for my dinner, something good to cook,

I stepped on an empty cricket shell, and that's all it took,

The shell cut, so wide and deep,

No tear fluids, could I keep,

I feared blood seeping through the gash, and so I could not look.

THE SUPERBOWL SUNDAY RECKONING

I was watching the Superbowl and eating cheese balls,

I  violently disagreed with all the ref calls,

Many cheese balls started flying,

The screen had cheese pieces drying,

Then peanut butter on crackers, I launched at the walls.😡

WHEN I ASKED THE JUDGE FOR BAIL

When I asked the judge for bail, the judge said he would deny,

He said I could not defend, the bad things that I did try,

I did have a witness to depose,

But, no deposing the mean judge chose,

Now it's off to the electric chair, where my brains will fry.

MY DAISY GOES AWAY

I had a beautiful, pet log, its name was Daisy,

I'd sit on it, and talk to it, like I was crazy,

Then one frosty, and sunny day,

A logger, took Daisy away,

I would have used her for firewood, but I'm lazy.

I'D EAT THE DOG'S AND CATS, BUT THE NEIGHBORS BEAT ME TO THEM

Prices are way high, and I can't shop for beer,

All of the good stuff, they cannot sell it here,

Can't afford chicken legs,

Forget about any eggs,

When I see a dead rat, I call that meat dear.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY

I invested in some stocks, and that felt crazy, nice,

I never quite realized, I was just rolling fixed dice,

I lost all of my money,

Got divorced from Sweet Honey,

The only foods I can afford, are split peas and rice.

ARNIE RENTS HIS TENT, BUSINESS

Arnie went to the park, and pitched a big tent,

He made himself rich by charging folks, a rent,

To avoid a police warning,

Armies tent came down by morning,

All the patrons thought the tent was heaven sent.

TRINA IS RAT DANCING FOR YOUTUBE CLICKS

Trina likes to Rat Dance where it's a dark and dismal, rural,

Sometimes with a dancing mink, and sometimes a dancing squirrel,

When Trina gets home,

Her mouth fills with foam,

When bit by her dancing friends, Trina gets sick, and has to hurl. 

HUMANS NEED THEIR HEAD REDESIGNED

The human face and head are shaped, so weird,😶

They're ugly, in the open, they get jeered,👎

An alien face,👍

One born in outer space,🌟

Is a lot prettier, so I have heared.👽

CARTER THE ROCKETEER, SWEET DREAMS OLD CHAP

Carter got a degree in rockets, so he could sail them into the sky,

Carter used only dynamite for fuel, and it propelled the pieces, high,

Carter dreamed his pieces would reach Mars,

Then maybe pass by some distant stars,

When dear Carter's fuel blew him away, the coroner wondered, how and why?

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T EAT IT

My little brother is psychotic, bad,

He picked his nose at the store, nasty lad,

Brother wiped boogs from his nose, 

Across his newly, cleaned clothes,

That embarrassed to tears, both mom and dad.

TRINA AND THE WHOPPER WOOLY

Trina got some brand new, pink shoes that fit her tiny, little feet,

Mom packed Trina a sack lunch, so she could stuff her small face and eat,

Trina had a bully,

Her name, Whopper Wooly,

Trina gave Wooly her lunch each day,  to avoid a whopper, beat.

TRINA AND THE FIZZY DRINK

My big sister, Trina, wanted me to get her a fizzy drink,

I just scooped up some soapy water, from the bottom of the sink,

She sipped some fizzy, and well,

The sink bottom, I now dwell,

The worst thing is the garbage disposal,  it makes a big, loud clink.

2525

I'M THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME, FISHES

Tammy let everyone know that she was a G.O.A.T

The greatest of all time, at sailing a sailing boat,

Her jealous brother, Doug,

Pulled her big, sailboat plug,

Tammy sank down to Poseidon, and that's all she wrote.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR THE BEDBUGS WILL GET YOU!

Sammy had little, baby bedbugs maturing in his nose,

All the neighbors would get bedbugs, upon a Sammy expose,

Sammy spread bedbugs near and far,

He drove them around, in his car,

When Sammy died from bedbug bites, they spread through Sammy's used clothes.

I ENTERTAIN WITH MY LIPS

I was up on the main stage, showing off my whistling ways,

I whistle real good, and at major concert venues, it pays,

I whistled, "Sweet Mary From Pike",

That's a tune, they usually like,

This audience was grumpy, because of technical delays.

WORT PICKERS SUBJECT TO FINES AND JAIL

Jimmy picked at his oozing, purple, hairy wart,

That got him arrested, and a day in night court,

Jimmy flubbed his  case,

His defense, no base,

Jimmy went to jail, under a police escort.

CLAY CROCKING THE STEW

I read one cooking book every day,

Mostly, on cooking in pots made of clay,

When I crock cook my stew,

I will share some with you,

The best meat for the crock stew, is blue jay.

TRINA TRIED TO RAT DANCE

Trina tried to do the Rat Dance, with her little sister Sue,

They danced too close together, and knocked each other black and blue,

The sisters were hurt and sad,

Mommy was not at all mad,

Mommy showed them how to Rat Dance, and the Rat Dance she did rule.

RAT DANCE, I TRIED

I watched a rat dance; figured it was too much for me,

There was too much fast movement, and sort of silly,

I gave it a real try,

Broke my hip, bruised my thigh,

I had a big rat crash, and it was a dilly.

MY SHOE GARDEN

I had a cabbage, growing in my tennis shoe,

That a cabbage could grow there, I just never knew,

It started crowding my toes,

I picked it, and had it froze,

In the deep freezer, I'll save the cabbage for stew.

BLOODSHOT: A VAMPIRE LIMERICK

Late at night, something scratched at my window, while I laid in bed,

I ignored it for a while, then it was scratching on my head,

It was a vampire rousing my veins,

He drank the blood headed into my brains,

Everyone at work next day, said my eyes were bloodshot red.

IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND WEEVIL

The weevil in my veggie garden, is eating off the leaves,

He eats the fleshy greens, and across the many plants, he weaves,

He's fast at work,

That little jerk,

He thinks he is really smart, because he knows it's me, he peeves.

THE BIG RACCOON ATE SUPPER

The raccoon and I knew that the near future would reveal,

Which one of us would become the other's evening meal,

I through hard fists in the fight,

The raccoon did scratch and bite,

After supper, the racoon said I was tender, like veal.

LOSING IT AT THE GYM

My buddy ate two pounds of tasty, dried plum,

I told my buddy, he should only eat some,

It was at the local town gym,

My bud lost all foods, within him,

Buddy got banned for spreading poop like a bum.

PETER POTATO ROTS

There is this big bad potato, his real name is Pete,

He stinks so darn bad, he's never been chosen to eat,

He is out of the potato bin,

Potato stink, is a tater sin,

Someone gave Pete the heave-ho, now he rots near the street.

MY WORLD OF WORMS

I have worms growing in my old, mushy brains,

I have worms growing in my clogged-up  heart veins,

Some tape worms from the deli,

Made a home in my belly,

I do not worry about any weight gains.

MY PARTNER AND I CONQUERED SPACE, AND RAISED MOO

We once built a space rocket, it was shaped like a shoe,

Didn't look aerodynamic, but it fly, flown and flew,

We burned it straight to Mars,

Sold electronic cars,

Then we bought us a ranch, and raised those cows that go moo.  

THE WE WALLOP WINKY

I would very often get a wallop, alongside my head,

It's the Winky family language, no words are ever said,

All is quiet as a cold, dead mouse,

In my Grandma Winky's little house,

It is where we're born, and we live, and wallop, until we're dead.

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THE BRAIN WORM TWIST

There's a big, juicy brain worm, twisting around in my head,

The kids saw it in my ear, that is when the kids all fled,

I have an anti-brain worm power,

I just have to suck on something sour,

I'll eat a dill pickle, and the worm will twist until dead.

FILLED MY SOUFFLE WITH CHERRIES, ONE SUNNY DAY

I walked down to the berry store, on one sunny day,

I needed fresh cranberries to spruce up my souffle,

They were out of cranberries,

I bought some pit filled cherries,

Once my cherries got pitted, I walked home, straight away.

TRINA AND THE POPSICLE LADY

Trina went outside, and stood in the sub-zero snowstorm,

Trina wouldn't stay inside, because she said it was too warm,

Trina forgot she was old,

Didn't know the hot from the cold,

Trina froze like a popsicle, a mid-winter storm norm.

THE UGLY, ALPHA RODENT

There is a big ugly, alpha mouse,

He's the biggest mouse inside my house,

He consumed my dried berries,

Sucked the pits from my cherries,

Lately, he has been dating my spouse.

THE CLERK WENT BOBBER FISHING

There is no stuff on the shelves at the store where I work,

Which has made very unemployed, this hourly clerk,

It's a cross-border fling,

Some tariff bling thing,

I'm going bass fishing, maybe my bobber will jerk.

THE UP 25% LIMERICK

What is this with costs going up 25%?

That is what the landlord said, he's jacking up my rent,

I can't afford the grocery store,

My kids lick their dinners off the floor,

They lick, and lick, and lick, with their tiny tongues all bent.

NEW HEAD CHIP AND A NEW NAME

When they found me, my eyes were soulless, and I was pronounced dead.

They screwed a silicon, wafer chip, deep into my brain-head,

Before I died, I was named Ernie,

But now that I'm back from my journey,

I forgot the before, I entered deaths door, now I'm called Zed.

THE OLD BAG AND THE PIPES

There once was an old piper who lived down the street,

He'd play old Scottish songs for some mead and some meat,

The piper played loud,

And old grandma Dowd,

Took out her hammer, and gave his pipe bag a beat.

SHE SLAUGHTERED HER MAN, AND DIED IN THE CAN

I once new this person, her name was Kittles Wainwright,

She worked doing trapeze flights, at the circus all night,

She fell from the sky,

Killed the ringleader guy,

She died in a prison from an infected bug bite.

I HAD TO EAT CROW, EGG

I went down to the meat market, and what was missing there?

There was a shortage of eggs to feed to my Teddy Bear,

When I got back to the house,

My Teddy Bear, my sweet spouse,

Had raided a crows nest, and served the eggs runny and rare.

GROUNDHOGS, AIN'T JUST FOR WEATHER PREDICTING

I parboil ground hog,  to make them nice and tender,

I eat too much ground hog, that is why I ain't too slender,

I deliver the ground hog meals,

To old people, from my own wheels,

For those who can't chew, I grind ground hog in a blender.

PHIL, THE GROUNDHOG IS DEAD

The chunky groundhog was attacked by a hawk,

As the big hawk ate him, she went squawk, squawk, Squawk,

His real name in life, was Phil,

He took a blood pressure pill,

I'll miss his never, ever ending, small talk.