SICK SAM THE HAM

There once was a real mean, grouchy old pig, everyone called him, Sick Sam,

He was always blowing his big, snout nose, because he was one old, ill ham,

Sam got syrup, for being sick,

And, got all well, miracle quick,

Sam became a cough syrup spokesperson, and married his sweetheart, Pig Pam.

THE PUKE THAT PUT ME IN JAIL

I washed down a crusty, dry doughnut, with a soda pop,

I started to puke, and was observed, by a passing cop,

The cop took me to jail,

Where I puked in a pail,

My bro, Mike bailed me out, and I went to his crib, to flop.

THE CAT SLEEPING IN THE WINDOW

My cat is sleeping in the window, while we're visiting Southern France,

She is staring at some butterflies, as the afternoon hours advance,

She will soon be sunbeam napping,

As her dreaming legs, start flapping,

She will wakeup just before supper, and do her ballet, stretchy leg, dance.

BASEMENT BOY 2: MAMA BITES BUTT

Basement Boy had a big rat, nesting in Basement Boy's couch,

When Basement Boy's butt plopped down, the rat bit Basement Boy, "ouch",

The rat didn't have rabies,

But, it had ten babies,

Basement Boy talked trash, about the rat, said she was a grouch.  

THE EAGLE AND THE KITTIES, ONE, TWO, AND THREE?

There is a great, big eagle, sitting up in my backyard tree,

He sits there staring down upon, my new cat that I named, Three,

Both my One and Two kitty,

Went missing, what a pity,

Now, I stay close with my shotgun, and the big bird lets Three be.

CAMPING WITH ADJUSTMENTS

I stuck up my tent cabin, in a forest, near a beaver damed,  lake,

I figured for my late night suppers, fish from the cold lake, I could take,

I could side dish, some beans and rice,

I'll add some pepper, for a spice,

Alas, no fish did I take, so I had a rice beans, and bacon bake.

INTERESTING CAKE MY PUPPY LOVES

I use to spruce up my baked cakes, with nuts and berries from the store,

Now I spruce up my homemade cakes, by adding sweeping from the floor,

My cakes aren't what they use to be,

They're only ate by my  puppy,

Hint:  the best chunky sweepings, I find on the mat by the backdoor.

ELECTRIC FAIRY LIGHTS, OR TIKI TORCH? MY KID LIKES ONE, LOTS MORE

I could not find my fairy lights, for my weekend cookout, on the porch,

I looked all through my garage, and settled for those tiki with the torch,

Of course things became dire,

My house burned down in the fire,

Every time my kid sees any fire, the earth she tries to scorch.

WARNING, KIDS:  DO NOT PLAY WITH FIRE

WHEN THE MICROBES AIN'T DEAD

Grandma does not cook the food she prepares, until all the microbes are dead,

That's what dinner guests ponder on the toilet; that's what's going through their head.

Why, to grandma's house go?

When her cooking brings woe?

For some, it's an emergency ride, and a month in a hospital bed.

CRAWDADS AND THE PUPPY

I like to eat fresh crawdads, and put fresh crawdads in my stew,

I add some peppers, and grind some spice, and share my stew with you,

My puppy gets real mad,

If he gets no crawdad,

So, I save him the stinky, rank ones, so he gets crawdads too.

REFLECTIONS OF THE SCHOOL BULLY

I stepped outside my mama's old trailer, and it was very cool,

It was almost June, but I felt like a forever, April fool,

I have absolutely, no friends,

That's how every season ends,

But, I am the biggest bully, and most talked kid about in school.

MEATBALLS AND MOLARS

My ma's fancy meatballs, came out dry, hard and flaky,

They should be like a  moist, soft, chewy piece of steaky,

I did, just all that I could, 

With a stove, heated with wood,

Chewing on my meat balls, has made my back molars achy.

I CREATED SUPER HUMANS, SO NOW WE'LL CONQUER SPACE

To give them the ability to travel through space,

I re-engineered the creatures, called the "human race",

They need little oxygen to survive,

At high radiation levels, they thrive,

Through skin they absorb moisture, any time, any place.

TORMENTED BY THE BLUE FOG FARIES

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog,

They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog,

They have pulled out much of my hair,

I've got bald spots, everywhere,

Once home, I kill the sharp pains, with two pints of red grog.  

PICNIC 2025

I went and caught some grayling, and I fixed them with a some pinto beans,

I would have flavored them with steak sauce, but for the price, I have no means,

I then, ate some runny s'mores,

Then washed out my facial pores, 

After all that, I pulled off my shirt, and changed out of my skinny jeans.

SAD MISTRESS MAGGIE: HER BOYFRIEND GOT BAGED

My poor, old dog, her name is Mistress Maggie,  

Her crying eyes, her listless ears, are saggy,7

It is my belief,

She's consumed with grief,

Since her boyfriend died; his head, caught in a baggy.

MOM'S WATTLE HOUSE, AND BIRD FOOD

My mom has lived in a little, cozy, wattle house,

Ever since she lost my dear dad, her devoted  spouse,

She lives down by the old slurry,

That dumps into the Missouri,

Mom eats by hunting birds, like pigeons, peckers and grouse.

MAMA GETS HER MEAT

I take better, cheddar cheese, and add a cup of rice,

I mix it up real well, adding in some salty spice,

Sometimes for a big treat,

Mama demands some meat,

Meat is too pricy, unless it comes from household mice.

BEES GIVE US FRUIT, AND DADDY GIVES US MEAT

Soon, all the bees, will become quite dead,

That is what my homeroom teacher, said,

It is the hard working bees,

That stick the fruit to our trees,

My daddy gets our deer meat, with lead.

SOME DAYS, FINANCIAL FRAUD IS HARD

My banker informed me, I'm quickly going broke, it would seem,

Nobody is investing, in my coins that are known as meme

The coins display my pretty face,

They're attractive, in any case,

I spiffed them up with a polish, to bring out their golden gleam .

FAST, TIME TRAVEL SHOES, AND AN OPEN DOOR

In order to time travel into the past, I bought a new pair of shoes,

Walking backward real fast, causes travel into the past; it's in the news,

I tried a launch, once before,

But, I ran into a door,

This time, I'll open the door in advance, and avoid, pre-launch party, booze.

THE SURVIVALIST

I've got canned hams on order, to survive all the troubles that come,16

I have my still set up, to make many bottles of "thunder rum",16

Yet, I pontificate rhymes,

In these perhaps, final times,

I squirreled away bottles of anti-acids, for my tum, tum.

PHYSICS OR PHYS ED: THE LIFE OF BENNY

Benny grabbed a sharp pencil, to work out the, "Theory Of Everything ",

But, all he worked out with his pencil, was constipation; ouch! did that sting,

Since Benny was a boy,

The maths were his toy,

But, Benny is a school gym teacher, still dreaming of girls, fame and bling.

A NONSENSE POEM ABOUT EINSTEIN AND MY KITTY

I traveled back in time, and met Einstein sipping his tea,

He was also combing out his hair, to look respectful and pretty,

He said, I could avoid being impaired,

If I thought about things being squared,

Of course, the only thing I wanted was a box for my kitty.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

TRICK OR TREATING IN NEWBURY

We went Trick Or Treating, in Newbury, to see what that was about,

It was Memorial Day weekend, so no candy was handed out,

So, what trick did we play,

I really, should not say,

But, we used lots of toilet paper, which made the big policeman, shout.

TOLERATING CHILDREN IN 2025

Deep in the basement, is where all my kids, should forever be,

Playing video games, or watching reality tv,

I'd feed them crackers and cheese,

And, apple juice and canned peas,

If they want an education, they could have ChatGPT.

CHEMICAL PLANT + ALLIGATOR + TOURIST = HORROR STORY

There is a local alligator, I believe his name is Sammy,

He ate a roasted tater, along with that missing tourist, Tammy,

Sammy lives in a deep, dark ditch,

The water's warm, but there's a glitch,

It runs off from a chemical plant, and the water makes you whammy.

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

QUALITY CHIPS FOR DIPS

They were all real sad, when they got back from shopping for chips in town,

They could not find a single bag of chips, that was not busted down,

We have many delicious chip dips,

That will not work with broken chips,

All we have is celery, so it's beddy bye, in my nightgown.  

I'M DOWN TO TWO BARBIES AND SCOTT

I'm down to two Barbies, and that's all I got,

I got one GI Joe, and his name is Scott,

They still party hard,

And, let down their guard,

I'd get a third Barbie, but they cost a lot.

THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST FAIRIES, WANTS TO EAT FACE

Everybody says, I deserve the face eating, that I got,

Because, I did really stupid stuff, furthering an evil plot,

Didn't know those purloined cherries,

Were owned by forest fairies,

Their pet leopard ate my pretty face, leaving my dead body, to rot.

DEXTER, THE UNCONVENTIONAL R

Dexter is no ordinary, house rat,

He wears pantaloons,a and a pirate's straw hat,

Dexter's in a band, plays base,

Has a deep thinker face,

When cats creep up behind him, Dexter farts and yells, "SCAT!".

TRINA, AND HER YELLOW SCOOTER, ADVENTURE

Trina got a yellow scooter, and she scooted, to town around,

Trina looked for scooter parking, but no parking was ever found,

Tina's eyes got all teared,

She was Twilight Zoned, she feared,

Forced forever to keep lot searching, with a weirdo, music sound.

OH, GIVE ME A SQUAT, WITH A SAUNA THAT'S HOT

I went camping in somebody's very private, backyard,

They  had gone overseas, and had no neighbors for a guard,

They had a sauna and pool,

That kept nights warm, and days cool,

After arrested, I find my jail bed is cold and hard.

HIGH GROCERY PRICES: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

I drove over to the big box grocery store, and what's up?

I can't afford a meager breakfast, lite lunch, or simple sup,

I'll layoff most of the kids,

Sell my home, I will take bids,

I'll set our dog free, so starving cubs, can't gas grill the pup.

BAKING FOR OPEN WIDE BOWELS

I baked some strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Instead of wheat flour, I subed rye,

Rye is more healthy, you know,

Rye helps bowels open, and flow,

Once relieved, most release a great sigh.

A LOCAL ROLLERBLADER, STOLE ALL OF MAMA'S MARMALADE

Someone raided my big, kitchen pantry, and stole all of my fancy, marmalade,

They probably took it to Sunshine Town, where it's worth its weight in gold, in a trade,

They might trade it for whisky, made of corn,

Or, those magazines, descent people scorn,

Most likely, they traded to get into that park, where kids skateboard, and rollerblade.

EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY, GOT CANNED

The next door, family of cannibals, put me, and my family in jars,

We were all set in front of a window, so at night, we can all watch the stars,

We're together, that's not, so bad,

But, as they eat each jar, that's sad,

There's always a chance, the cannibals will be found out, and soon be behind bars.

BEARS IN THE BACK WOODS DRIVE

Four Teddy bears in a Lamborghini, went out back roads, cruising,

The car ran off the road and crashed, because the driver was snoozing,

When the Lamborghini hit a tree,

The doors popped open; bears were free,

They were all found safe and sound, an glad the cops caught no one boozing.

DATING RITUALS, AND UNREQUITED LOVE

Poor old, teenager, Sad Zack, laid crying on his back,

Crying over attractiveness, Zackery, did lack,

When he talked to girls,

He often had the hurls,

Sometimes Zack would pick his nose, and offer up a snack.

DON QUIXOTE'S KITE

My new kite got stuck in a windmill, and round and round the kite went,

The kite has been stuck there sixteen years, and still, I give a mad vent,

The wood frame looks degraded,

The plastic  cover is faded,

I asked the windmill owner to retrieve my plane, he said "no"; he's no gent.

THE TEMPLE OF THE BLOGGER GOD

Willis is the blogging god, Willis rules media, and is alone,

For in his head is his cordless keyboard, and a 5G cellphone,

To media, he's a non-conforming, guy,

In one minute, Willis disposed of AI,

Willis keeps publishing thoughts from his brain; big media picks a bone.

TAINTED ALMONDS OF LOVE

I bought some delicious, almond nuts, and they were all tainted,

With some nasty bacteria, the almonds had been painted,

I took them back to the drug store,

Where I bought them, the day before,

I met someone at the store; on a date, we got acquainted.

TEACHER WAS RIGHT, WHO KNEW?

Today, I went to a doctor, and he insisted I was brain dead,

He was a specialist, so I had to agree, with all that he said, 

My brain is dead and cold,

Covered with slimy mold,

This was such an unsettling, strange, day, ; I went home and went to bed.

I NEED A BABE WHO GETS MOSTLY D'S

School just got out, and I mostly got C's,

My pretty baby, got almost all B's,

Because I'm not as smart,

We' growing far, far apart,

I'm looking for a new babe, who does D's.

THE LAST WATTLE HOUSE STANDING

My uncle built his beautiful home, out of forest, wattle wood,

It took my uncle nearly 10 years, because he wattled it good,

In a summer storm, it did win,

Lasted through the tornado spin,

It was the last standing wattle house, in the wattle neighborhood.

I LOST A TEAR

I lost a tear, when I stubbed my tiny toe,

I lost a tear, when I lost my brother, Beau,

It does not take my eyes long,

Before they look red, that's wrong,

So, I carry eye drops, to cover-up woe.

COLD DADDY AND THE BEAR

A bear wandered up my driveway, and ate a couple of my kids,

My wife, she got extremely hysterical, I just thought, "good rids",

They were both over 35,

Took my money, to stay alive,

I suppose, I will have to sell their stuff; I'll ask around for bids.

LIMERICK ON LIMERICKS

Some say, the inspiration for limericks, starts up in the nose,

Others believe limericks start growing, between foot jammy toes,

Wherever limericks start,

Limericks are a fine art,

Limericks can laud happy times, or reinforce woe within woes.

I INVENTED A CHAIR THAT REQUIRES NO UNDERWARE

I took a great idea, and  brought it to power,

I set a chair inside, my big bathroom shower,

It's like a washing machine,

You get a full body clean,

While, napping upright, for a day, or an hour.

SIR CREEPY IS A CANNIBAL.

Sir Denny was the very deadliest fighter, with the ancient foil,

Sir Denny made his foil really shiny, using, coconut oil,

Denny sliced opponents into ham,

Served them for lunch, with a ginger jam,

Then, Denny drops the bones, into his stew pot, then brings them to a boil.

OUR KIDS DON'T GET ALONG

My sister, Katerina, came over to visit me,

Katerina visited, as my retained attorney,

She brought over her male kid,

Boy, oh boy, what that kid did,

He pinched the nose on my cat, Murray, until Murray hid.

I AM A HOBBY DIRT WORKER:: I GROW FOOD

I started my tomatoes, and pepper plants, inside,

I found a window, sunny spot, in my double wide,

It warmed up, at last,

The seeds grew, real fast,

Growing veggie fruits from seeds, gives this garden man, pride.

THE MUSHROOM MINSTREL CONCERT

There were three minstrel mushrooms, who came from outer space,14

They played some old classical tunes, they learned in ancient Thrace,14

Then the minstrels played jazz,

Showed their razzmatazz

Lastly, the minstrels finished, with rap that was in your face.14

IN MEMORY OF MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND, JEEVES

I never should have gone to that party, over at Steve's,

First, I got the botulism, followed by dry, horse heaves,

What else could have gone wrong?

I could not sing my song,

Celebrating the dead poet, our friend we knew, as Jeeves

GOING TRAILER PARK FERAL (2025)

I live in a house made of old tin,

In a tin park, with all of my kin,

On the tin park next door,

My kin wage a great war,

We win, steel all their stuff, then we grin.

THE BIG CAT LOOKS AT ME FUNNY

When cast upon me, is a tigers eye,

He be thinking, onion ring, or French fry,

And, what of my meat?

What parts should he eat?

He's dream tasting the leg, wing, breast and thigh.

POP, GOES THE MAPLE LEAF

It is spring in Michigan, and maple leaves are popping out,

It's like the maple leaves, are giving the warmer sun, a shout,

Now, the robin red breast,

Can build a birdie nest,

And leave babies all safe, while hunting worms that squirm about.

TRINA WENT BASS FISHING, WITH A WORM

Trina went trolling out on a flat lake, with a big plastic worm,

She kept her worm lure close to the boat, to watch the plastic worm squirm,

Trina made only one pass,

When her worm was attacked by a bass,

Trina was so surprised, she fell overboard, and ruined her perm.

MOMMY GOT HER DAY

Daddy's fantastical surprise, made my mommy's big day,

Daddy bought mommy a wild daisy, flower display,

Daddy made cheese salad for lunch,

Gave us each, a glass of red punch,

Then, we all watched out the window, as bird beaks chirped away.14

THE SWAY-BACK, WHO LOVED GRANDPA

Our dear grandpa, rode the old horse to town, that had the severely, swayed back,

We did not know what to tell the horse, after grandpa's fatal, heart attack,

Grandpa made his restaurant rounds,

Grandpa weighed 400 lbs., 

The horse continued the restaurant rounds, with a light footed, clickety clack. 

ME AND MY MATHS

I really hate doing all of my college prep, maths,

More than taking early morning, cold showers, and baths,

My teach, she grades real hard, so mean,

Reports each mistake, to the dean,

Now, dean's charted me some custodial career paths.

WHEN I DIE, I'LL BE BROWN LOGGED BY AI

All of my friends and family, have been transferred into an AI, 

Which means they'll live forever, and say brown log, about me when I die,

Even now, I'm their joke,

I'm that dumb, human bloke,

They insist I shouldn't get upset; I respond with a sad, teary cry.  

Michigan English:  Brown Log= 💩

RAVENHOE

I had a pet Raven, and his name was Sir Tim,

He liked to play on the school playground, jungle gym,

He did, in myself, confide,

He was afraid of the slide,

And, the medieval teeter totter, tossed him.

NOCTURNAL BRAIN DRAIN

While asleep last night, out of my ears, leaked my brain,

My entire brain is now, just a bed sheet stain,

I am staying home, sick,

Hope my brain grows back, thick,

If my brain isn't thick enough, out it will drain.

I FOUND A STARSHIP TREASURE SHIP.

I went looking for a treasure ship, and that treasure ship I found,

It's at the bottom of Lake Michigan, buried in the ground,

It is full of old boxed Trekie toys,

For the collector, girls and boys,

Some toys, if a button is pushed, will make an iconic sound.

I WORK IN RETAIL, WHEN I'M NOT DOING FAMOUS STUFF

I use to have pop culture, but I do not know where the Nell, that went,

I use to sing, and dance, and act, and to many venues, I was sent,

Then, my agent called and said, "no more,

Your act is done, you are out the door",

I've been working at big box retailing, to pay my bar tab, and rent.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL NEED A BEAVER GUN

I went out canoeing this morning, and ran into a big, beaver damn,

The beaver saw me and started hissing, I saw him, and thought, Easter ham,

I did not have my beaver gun,

So I wrestled him, just for fun,

Now, I'm in his lair, feeding his babies, and missing my fiance, Pam.

TRAVEL WITH SOMEONE SMARTER, THAN YOURSELF

Recently, I traveled to Brazil, but my Portuguese, was flawed,

I searched all my brains, to use the right words, but I hemmed and I hawed,

Pa says it's because, I am dim,

Ma says it's because, I'm like him,

Luckily, my travel mate, has language abilities to laud.

AFTER FAILING MY FINALS, I'M SPINNING MY VINYLS

I love collecting, and listening to music vinyls,

But, this week I need to dedicate my time to finals,

This could be my week of despair,

I'm unattached; no one to care,

If my recordings comfort me, I'll have no anginals.

THE RECKONING: PORCH PIRATE SURPRISE

I laughed, as both my porch pirates, ran away,

With my package, they will not have a great day,

I thought it would be so cool,

To fill a box with dog stool,

Truly, good justice will be done, I do pray.

I ATE THE NEWTS AND RED LIZARD

I decided to be a wizard, and a wizard I would be,

I caught three newts and a red lizard, then steeped them in my mint tea,

I drank down the brew,

Ate its protein crew,

I felt my wizard powers inflating, filling my whole body.

MY QUEST FOR FOOD

I went down to the grocery store, to buy some affordable food,

Nothing in the store, so I tried  the dumpster, where the gulls had all pooed,

It was like a buffet,

But poo was in the way,

I just could not eat a poo thing, although I am one desperate dude.

THE STING AND THE CURSE: A CHIPMUNK STORY

The little chipmunk drank milk from his bowl, while eating a berry,

Then along came buzzing around, a mean, old bumblebee fairy, 

The BBF gave chipmunk a sting,

He put a spell on cute chipmunk, Zing!

The little chipmunk became allergic, to fructose and dairy.

HARD TIMES ON THE FRUIT FARM

My grapes have gone sour, and my berries have been defiled,

By some sort of a blue stink bug, that came out of the wild,

My fruit farm has gone funky,

I'm one unhappy monkey,

I have no sources of income, and my partner's with child.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

EASY PEASY SLEAZY, THAT'S ME

I found a brand new, super type of AI,

It writes term papers, like a real human guy,

Some call my cheating, sleazy,

I just like easy peasy,

Roommate says, my scheme is akin to a lie.

WRITING ESSAYS FAST AND EASY

I have two long essays, to write, and turn in today,

If I don't  get them done, I'll fail, my professors say,

There is a new, greater power,

That can write an essay, per hour,

Maybe, the great, AI can write me, into an "A".

MY TRAILER HAS GONE FERAL

The inside of my refrigerator is covered with black mold,

My pots and pans grow algae, and daytime roaches are extra bold,

I don't know what to do, 

About all the mildew,

The house condition is bad; the county says if can't be sold.

MAPLE, HONEY AND BEES

They say my maple syrup tastes like honey,

Now everyone, eyeballs me, real funny,

The trees, are full of bees,

And, when every bee pees,

The syrup be honey flavored, and runny.

NEW EARS EVE

Early tomorrow, I am getting two brand new ears,

They are both completely made, out of Christmas bulb, spheres,

I must watch who I pass,

So they don't break the glass,

If my eardrums get stabbed, it will bring my eyes to tears.

ALLERGIC TO BEES, IS AUNT ELOISE

I looked in my fridge for mayo, for my tuna with peas,

All I could find was some honey, made by some, bumblebees,

It was a nice family dine,

Honey, tuna, peas, tasted fine,

The family liked the mixed flavors, except, Aunt Eloise.

I'M A SUGAR DADDY, WHO IS ABOUT TO GET CANNED

I am swimming in many millions of can empties, from pop that was caned,

I can't take back any of my empty cans, because the brands are store banned,

I need some quick, fast money,

To make happy, my honey,

If I'm honey dumped, I'll be the most unhappy boy, in all of can land.

SHARING MY CHICKEN SKINS

I fried up a big greasy pan, full of chicken skins,

My neighborhood loves them, all my dear kiths, and my kins,

I fried many more than before,

To avoid, a chicken skin war,

Might as well fry enough, that way everyone wins.

BLING KONG

I put on all my beautiful bling,

Went out to do karaoke, a sing,

Then something went, way wrong,

I ran into King Kong,

He striped me, of every gold thing.

FAMILY IN THE MORNING

Little Timmy road his bike, to his new primary school,

Big brother Jerry, stayed home for the day, to play some pool,

Cousin Sammy ironed underwear,

So he'd  be warmed, for cold a.m. air,

 Grandpa Don, needed a nose hair trim, and searched for his tool.

APRIL DUNE

I climbed up a sand dune mountain, too early in the spring,

My bare feet went numb, and my bare fingers, ached with a sting,

A T and shorts, I wore up the hill,

They did not protect me, from the chill,

I ran down dune towards the car heater; fell and broke a wing.

LARRY GETS FOOD FROM ACROSS THE WATER

I went skipping along, my soul.was quite marry, 

I just finished riding a Great Lakes boat ferry,

I am parked by the pier,

The lake pier is quite near, 

I bought food on the mainland, for my  cat, Larry.

LOON LAKE PONTOON

I''m going out on the lake, that is famous for their loon,

Gonna try to see one, while cruising on grandpa's, pontoon,

The old motor has some quirks,

Once warmed up, it often works,

We'll start early, and be back for the hotdog roast at noon.

TRINA WENT TO TOWN

Trina went to town, for a beef sandwich, with gobs of melted , cheddar cheese,

She tells them to hold the tomato, because tomatoes make Trina wheeze,

When Trina gets home, she does dental hygiene,

Unlike grandpa, Trina's teeth are white, and clean,

Grandpa's teeth have rotted all away, so he has to spoon-mash his split peas.

MY DAILY REPORT

For every May Day, I get wired,

Then May Day pole dancing makes me tired,

Then I go home,

Do a doomscroll roam,

Drink skunky beer, then sleep, as desired. 

BIG SISTER AND THE RED BEDBUGS

My big sister has the red bedbugs, she's had them for eleven years,

She won't tell our mama, because she's afraid mama will come to tears,

To kill the bugs away,

I helped big sister spray,

The spray helped the bugs lay more eggs, now bugs are falling from sister's, ears.

THE TOAD, FROG TONGUE SONG SUNG

I once knew a toad, and he was very young,

He had a toad body, but a long, frog tongue,

His tongue lashed out to the sky,

As he caught every fly,

That's when I wrote down, this new song I just sung.

THE WAY IT WAS, BEFORE I SOLD FROG

I use to have a store job, and  work daily, but got laid off from the store,

The owner said, he could not buy stuff to sell at a profit, anymore,

For some food, I sold my stuffed frog,

To pay rent, I video blog,

I only wish my world would return back, to the way it was before.

LOOK BOTH WAYS, AND UP

I drove my car up to the train tacks, in a little, rural town,

I looked for the train one way, up, and the other way, I looked down,

I geared my car into humming,

Across the tracks I was coming,

An airplane fell on top of my head, now I wear an Angel's gown.

THE ALPHA TETHERBALL TERROR, THAT'S ME

I don't like playing the Ducky, Ducky Goosey game,

I'm a bit chubby, and heavy, and my legs go lame,

I'm a little bit tall,

So, I like tetherball,

No one else will play, because I play too rough, and maim.

PIKE, BETSY AND MIKE

I write all of my limericks, listening to "Sweet Betsy From Pike",

That is why in my school records, they described me as a sick"psych",

I loved that old ditty, since I was a young tike,

I'd listen to it, when I drove my  motorbike,

At night I would sing a rendition, to my squirrel friend, Big Mike.

EATING MISS MAISY

I'd often take my cow, Maisy out on a woods walk,

She'd soothe me with soft moos, while I unwound with thought talk,

One day, a lion came by roaring

I left Miss Maisy, she was boring,

The lion was  wanting cow, that's the one I would stalk.

ME SELLS SEASHELLS BY THE SEASHORE

My condo down in Florida, the big bank has whisked away,

I lost my money in the stock market; it is not my day,

I'll move to an Island, called Canary,

There I'll chill, listening to Chuck Barry,

I'll become simple, selling my seashell, jewelry display.

MA AND HER BANNED BOY WORDS

When I woke and worked out, my big mouth got me constantly canned,

Now my foul tongue waving, language, got this internet boy, banned,

The public says I speak turds,

But, my ma taught me my words,

How ma could be so wrong in her thinking, I don't understand.

BREAKFAST TEA AND MARSHMALLOWS

I placed little marshmallows on top of my breakfast tea,

The marshmallows top floated, and melted on that brown sea,

They made my tea real sweet,

Like the sugar of beet,

But, they're not nearly as tasty as the honey of bee.

AI BITES

My neighbor's AI, made a lizard monster, that likes sitting outside my door,

Every time I try leaving my house, I hear a great cautionary roar,

I sent the kids outside to play

The monster ate them, right away,

I ordered pizza, and the pizza box got ruined, because of blood and gore.

BAKED BEANS ON A STOOL

I went into a public restroom, and it needed multiple cleans,

The white floor was all covered, with chicken livers, and bluegill fish, spleens,

One stool was real busted,

Another, brown crusted,

The last stool was sat upon, by a man eating a can of baked beans.

WORMS, AND FINGERS, AND BRAINS, AND NOSE

Tyler thought he had a brain worm, up inside his big, pink head,

But, it was just his longest finger, so Tyler didn't go dead,

Tyler twisted his finger, all about,

But, his skinny finger would not come out,

A barmaid chopped the finger off; Tyler drank his self to bed.  

THE LOLLIPOP POEM OF REMEMBERANCE

They said "bye, bye", to their lollipops, when their lollipops were no more,

The pops were cute colored, and fruit flavored, causing the mouths to want more,

The cute pops did not want to die,

The last crunch, teared the licker's eye,

The death of all the lollipops, means another trip down to the store.

JIMMY TOOK A FERRY BOAT

Jimmy took a big ferry boat, out to see the amazing, Michigan, Sioux Locke's,

The Sioux Locke's were so very frightening to see, Jimmy sweat wet, his new, blue socks,

The Ferry was called, "The Abigail",

Powered with motors, not a wind sail,

The Abigail sank, losing passengers and crew, when it hit Canadian rocks.

TEARS FROM THE TREES

I went to the old oak forest, with my big chainsaw in hand,

I was there to attack trees, because I don't like where they stand,

The trees all started crying,

Afraid they'd soon start dying,

I cut the trees down, and made firewood, that was what I planed.  

I AM THE BOWLER, WEB TROLLER, AND SCROLLER OF DOOM

I spend all my day, economic doomscrolling,

I spend most all evenings, amateur bowling,

I play my new flute, it's a Pan,

Spoon garbanzo beans from a can,

When feeling real mean, I go online, web trolling.

THUNDER BUGS ARE COMING

When the sky is full of bright stars, but distant rumblings, make you wonder,

If soon the sky will be cloudy, save for flashing lightning, with thunder,

Although you seek, mommy hugs,

Rest assured, it's just bugs,

Bugs that set upon, attacking a quiet evening, to plunder.

BUGS AND MY EGG NOODLES, OH DEAR

Cooking egg noodles has always been my big dream,

I cook noodles all day, filling my house with steam,

The kids, all day shout,

To let the steam out,

But, then bugs come in, and bugs pee more than they seem.

BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his tress spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

BETTER MEAL: DRY ROAST TURKEY, OR FRIED CHICKEN

Harry stepped on my tulips, so he got no Easter cheesecake, or pie,

Harry didn't get Easter Dinner, because the crushed tulips made me cry,

Harry went back home, alone,

For his crimes, he must atone,

Harry made his own dinner, not dry turkey, but a moist chicken, fry.

POGO STICKING, GOES VIRAL

I am an alpha player, with the power pogo stick,

I jump higher and further, than all others in my clique,

I can jump twenty feet, high,

Jump the Thames, and barely try,

Now days, joining a pogo club, does not make you a hick.

HEATING LEFTOVERS FOR SUPPER

I bought a dead, dried maple tree and chopped it all up,

So, I could have firewood to cook my late-night sup,

The firewood heated fast,

My beef stew, from the night, past,

I'll still have some left for tomorrow, about a cup.

BOATS, BEES AND SLEEP

I was on some wicked water skies,

When attacked by vicious honey bees,

The bees attacked my pale, naked knees,

The poison made my leg muscles freeze,

I got to the beach, and caught some Z's.

DID THE DRINK KILL ME, OR MAKE ME LOOK COOL

I went to the local grocery store, and bought a markdown, specialty drink,

It was full of caffeine, and tasted like a chemical from under the sink,

It turned my hair green,

It sickened my spleen,

I seemed to drip a big purple tear, whenever my eye would do a quick blink.

THE DIM DAN EASTER BAN

My Easter, holiday,  dinner ham, came from a one pound can,

The only invite to my dinner, was my cousin, Dim Dan,

We had squash, buttercup,

Sweet potatoes, to sup,

Dan complained that I moved slow, so he got a permanent ban.

THE ORGAN ROBBERS

There are too many parasites in the world,

My internal organs, they've hacked out, and squirreled,

As my great mind slips away,

Into an unconscious stay,

Parasites will hoist their flag, to be unfurled.

SPACE COWBOY

I dreamt I was a future, space cowboy, and my name was Ding Dong,

I flew across a prairie of stars, with my guitar and a song,

I had 12 live cows, too,

And, a pet kangaroo,

And, an AI named Bootsy, who nagged me, about all I done wrong.

MY EASTER HOLIDAY SHOPPING SPREE

I went to the local grocery store, and I bought some greens,

I bought some pork chop pork meat as a treat, and dish soap that cleans,

I bought a pound of Easter peeps,

Canned fish, that keeps,

I bought a variety of dried goods, mostly I bought beans.

WHERE THE OLD HEIFER WORKS

I new an old salty, heifer, many called her a cow,

If you called her a cow to her face, she gave you a pow,

It sounds screw lose, nutter bizarre,

But, she worked at a coffee bar,

Patrons fresh, squeezed their milk, which made the heifer a star.

THE CHEDDAR HEARTS

My kids exist to consume, pounds and pounds  of cheddar, string cheese,

They are now looking like milk cattle, because I aimed to please,

I hope maybe they'll shrink,

Drinking a diet drink,

The cheese is now clogging their tickers, and they're starting to wheeze.

BLUE BUNNY IN THE BEAST

A cute, little, blue bunny sat up in a tree,

The bun was only two months old, or maybe three,

Along came a hunter hawk,

The hawk yelled, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk,

The blue bunny was in the hawks, bulging  belly,

MAYNARD AND THE COPYRIGHT

Maynard practiced each day, and locked into playing, his Pan flute,

He played a lot of copyright music, and got a lawsuit,

Soon, Maynard was very poor,

Pawned his flute at a pawn store,

Maynard found a stick he tried to play, but failed to make it toot.

A HOBO ATE MY HEIFER

I once owned a heifer, and her name was Jane,

She liked eating cow grass, out on the great plain,

She had, pretty, blond hair,

Won a prize, at State Fair,

She was ate by a hobo, he was insane.

ONE MOTHER'S LOSS, MEANS ANOTHER TAKES A REST

Way up in the oak tree, there was a Mamma robin red breast,

The bird was back from Florida, and laid four eggs in her nest,

The nest got covered up with snow,

So baby robins, did not grow,

Kitty Cat Maxine, ate the dead, egg babies, then took a rest.

BEDTIME RITUALS

I like to eat a little pineapple, it helps me digest my pills,

I also take an antacid, because the acidic fruit juice,  kills,

I whiten my teeth; I brush real hard,

Use mouthwash rinse, to cavity guard,

I turn off the lights, to lower bills, then I lockdown the window sills.

SQUIRREL CHEESE

There is no longer any cheese, for cat and I to eat,

They butchered all of the cattle, for something called, stake meat,

Can I make cheese from a squirrel?

I asked the local, town earl,

He said it would work, and there'd be a nutty flavor treat.

I'M SLEEPING IN DITCH WATER, AND IT'S FULL OF SCUM

I drove my small foreign built, coup car, off the side of the road,

Which is sad, because my little car doubles, as my abode,

A deep, wet ditch mess,

Is my new address,

The car is half underwater, and I'm too broke to get towed.

WHERE MY KIN GOES, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS

An enormous, windbag thunderstorm is blowing in,

I must protect the roof on my trailer; it is tin,

I will rope the roof to the ground,

Crawl under my bed, with the hound,

And, leave room for the stray kith,  neighbors, strangers and kin.

I BOUGHT THREE FLUTES

I bought three flutes to play, but I can only play one flute, that is mine,

So I hired two more players, so we could play three parts that combine,

One flute toots high, the other low,

The center part, is where I go,

Our spreading fame landed us a gig, at a fried chicken dine and wine.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD BONEY SARDINES

My kippers are so expensive; way too high,

I cannot understand the any reasons, why?

I just have the means,

To buy canned sardines,

The bones catch in my throat, and one day I'll die.

CASPER'S NAUTICAL ADVENTURES

My short, silver dinghy, went sinking, then sucked down,

All of my favorite fishing bait, it all drown,

Except, Casper, the leach,

Swam off to the beach,

He became a hero, in the old fishing town.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

92123

ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

RATS🐁🐁🐁🐁🐁

My house was full of stinky, rowdy rats; I caged them and made them pets,

I sold them for cash to neighbor kids; about that, I have no regrets,

Their parents got terribly mad,

One broke my nose, and made me sad,

I'm glad to repurpose vermin, rats; although, the neighbors it upsets.🐭

I SCARE BIRDS, WITH MY CHERRY BOOM

Because my cherry trees are all blooming,

They will make fine cherries, I am assuming,

I'll have food to eat,

They will be a treat,

I'll guard them with my gun that goes booming.

PATRONS GET STUCK IN A DART SPORTS BAR (Go Figure?)

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛

The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿

While at the dart club, playing darts,🎯

I hit three patrons, in their hearts,😭

The judge said until I got eye ware, my sport I must abort.😠

THE DIRE WOLF AND HIS TROLL

I have a dire wolf, and he bit off my long nose,

It's a good thing I'm a troll, for now a new one grows,

The dire wolf grew whimper, sad,

When I said he had done real bad,

But, while I was sleeping, the wolf nibbled off my toes.

POGOSTICK BREAKER, BEWARE!🐀

Someone broke my pogostick, and J am hooting mad,😡

When I find out who did it, they will be so sad,😭

I'll tell them they smell like feet,👣

I'll tell them to watch the portions they eat,🍔🍟🌮🍕🌮🍠

If my torments hurt their feelings, my emojis will depict, glad.🤗😇😛

WHO HAS THE BLUEST MOON? LIMERICK

Nightly News Blue Moon

My Blue Moon

So, last night's moon was big and blue,

It was still not much worth looking to,

And, for ten minutes of views,

I missed the night news,

Where they showed the moon in a much bluer hue.

10222

FOOT ODOR IS FAR, FAR AWAY

Someone stuck a lead pencil in my foot, and I did not feel the pain,

Methinks, that is just because my foot flops, about a mile, from my brain,

It started at age sixteen,

When I grew cute, tall and lean,

My feet under me, I can't feel, or see, but smell them, when smells they gain.

HARD TIMES AND TURNIPS

I knew my finances were in trouble, when  I couldn't afford turnips, at the store,

When I can't afford to buy turnips, I know that I've become the poorest of poor,

So, I spade a piece of ground,

Planted turnip seeds, ten pound,

I will have so many turnips to hoard, my greedy, jealous neighbors, will make war.

DOUBLE WIDE SHAKESPEARE

Me and close kin were huddled all together, and starving, half to death,

Then I eyed my next door cousin's food and fine home, and methinks, Macbeth,

The three weird sisters in the double wide,

Predicted fortune, if my cuz died,

They also said, someone born not from woman, would make me draw last breath?

VIRTUOSO, EUPHONIUM GUY

The valves on my euphonium were turning, sort of a green,

I hard polished to get those valves looking chic, metallic clean,

The band leader was very whiney,

So I made the instrument shiny,

I played Concert Band solo, on my euphonium machine.

WORLDS BELOW: THE DINGHY, IN WHICH I FLOAT

Everyone, onshore complains, that I'm a daft, old, grumpy goat,

I spend all my time fishing in my dinghy; a tiny, tin boat,

No observed, worldly ties,

Seen by the shore people's, eyes,

The worlds I know, rest in seas below, the dinghy, in which I float.

THE AI FISH BOT

The new AI bot was never very sharp,

The new bot could fish for both salmon and carp,

For big tuna, it tried fishing,

That was just pee in wind wishing,

The bot got retired, and covered by tarp.

LITTLE FAMILY, MINUS ONE

I bought some market rhubarb, and black cherries, too,

They were a bit rotten, so I cooked them as stew,

I served it for dinner, bringing everyone joy,

Except big sister Mabel, and her son, Elroy,

Latter that evening, I made up some punch,

I used lemon powder and flat pop, left from lunch,

I could not be prouder, as family sipped down their drink,

Then nasty Elroy farted, and the room filled with stink,

Everyone went home; no wondering, why?

Elroy's flagellation, makes all parties die,

Mabel my big sister, won't make Elroy behave,

Elroy hugs his ma tight, when visiting, daddy's grave.

OLD GAMER VS. THE SMELLY MANDOLEAR.

I use to play the mandolin, the mandolin J played,

No one liked my playing, so with barn animals I stayed,

I stay outside, very well,

It is my mandolin smell,

My wife has a new husband, he smells like, pinball arcade. 

THE BASSOON MARCH

I grabbed a bassoon, and I marched down the big city street,

I made my feet slap the ground, to my bassoon blowing beat,

The police came along,

They ended my soon, song,

They took me down to the jail, and gave me nothing to eat.

UNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grisly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

I ONCE HAD A BIG GREEN BOIL

I once had a big green, boil, looming large on my right forearm,

The doctor cut the boil off, leaving a scar for chit, chat charm,

I then grew a great, big zit,

On my nose, it took a sit,

One of the critters bit it off, at granny and grandpa's, goat farm.

PUMPKIN

There once was a bloke, his name was Peter, another bloke, was named Pan,

The first bloke was a pumpkin eater, the second had a pumpkin tan,

Because they said her pumpkin pie was dry,

They both made their little, sweet mommy cry,

Mommy had a blind date greet her, she married him; a pumpkin pie man.

MY PORTFOLIO MAMA, AND THE TWINS

I promised my mama, I'd be curbing most of my sin,

Didn't expect, my stock prices to be sinking down, again,

Mama said, "bad luck", dating, Candy,

Much worse, "nasty", twin sister, Brandy,

I still took both out to good eats, and bought each a nice din.

A DART PLAYER NAMED MEL

I started green bean farming, way down in the deep dell,

Their countywide, square dances there are mightily, swell,

I kick up my guy heels,

To make girl appeals,

But, all the girls hang after a dart player, named Mel.

MATILDA THE ROOSTER

My little rooster chicken, will never hunt,

His name is Matilda, and he is a runt,

He likes blackberry brandy,

And, hard cinnamon candy,

He can't hold his liquor; he pukes, to be blunt.

THE ROAM OF MY IDIOT POEM

I drove to beach to pick up some fresh oysters, and maybe a few dozen fresh clams,

There were sheep in the road, so I did the beep, beep, but ran over a couple of rams,

The sheep herder was real mad,

I gave him cash, all I had,

The herder was excited; his pain unrequited, he tossed me off a cliff onto some rocks, and with one broken arm, I swams.

MY AVATAR IS A JAR HEAD

I am afraid I will need a new avatar,

Mine got run over by a driverless, cab car,

There's a large crack in his head,

The avatar is real dead,

I'll honor him, by putting his head in a jar.

PORK RINDS AND DOOMSCROLLING, WILL MAKE KAPPIE HAPPY

Kappie is a not too happy boy, a miserable old boy is he,

He always lifts great weights, eats powdered drinks, but real flimsy, Kappie be,

As lonely Kappie grows older,

Girl's reactions, grow colder,

Now that Kappie's past his prime, he should eat pork rind, and doomscroll his tv. 

BLUE TOTE ORGANIC FERTILIZER

My dear neighbor, has a herd of fat goats,

He collects their poop in plastic, blue totes,

He makes many a big buck,

When his totes fill up a truck,

Then from the truck, they're transferred to big boats.

LEE DID NOT PAY HIS TAXES ON TIME

Lee did not pay his taxes on time,
So, he committed a serious crime,
He'll spend years in jail,
And, so ends his tale,
Lee won't appear again in a rhyme.

7921

LITTLE GARGOYLES ARE CUTE, BUT I GAVE THEM THE BOOT

I did my daily doomscrolling after midnight,

The spirits squeezed up to my body, really tight,

On all the channels I could see,

Videos strictly about me,

Fighting gargoyles, that were one tenth of my height.

AFTER MY LAST TRADE, I DRANK DITCH WATER

All currencies went crashing, even the dollar and crown,

All of the stocks and bonds I own, went down, down, down, down, down,

My heart blew a right gasket,

They stuffed me in a casket,

They buried me in a ditch; I wore my funeral gown.

JOLLY ROGER WEASELS, OR FAMILY

Four weasels sailed together, out into an ocean bay,

Two weasels became rogue pirates, and decided to stay,

But Loretta and Seymour,

Swam back to the ocean shore,

They started a family, by the second week in May.

DAVY AND THE SEAHORSE

When Davy dove under the sea,

He met a seahorse named Lee,

And, for just a dime each,

The seahorse gave rides to the beach,

The beach was where Davy went for his tea.

121323

E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

61322

SMOKING WILL MAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS, FLY AND RUN AWAY

I was on the screaming fire truck, as it left the big firehouse,

We headed out onto the hot burning plains, where lived, and dwelt the grouse,

The grouse were all in retreat,

Some were flying, some on their feet,

They claimed the fire was started, by a cigarette, addicted mouse.

FLOWERS FOR ALLEN RON

I bought some red roses, for my best mate, Allen Ron,

He lies out in the graveyard, next to his brother, Jon,

They were quite a bro pair,

Both were nerdy, and square,

I'm sure they've rotted away, for it's decades, they're gone.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY? APPARENTLY, IT IS TO LOSE

None of my AI stocks have not done very good,

Should have invested in a cord of firewood,

At least I'd be warm,

During the spring storm,

I will have to move to a low rent neighborhood.

HARD TIMES FOR TRASH NEDING CASH

I turned my car in, for some cold, hard cash,

I needed money, because I am trash,

I walked way downtown,

Bought a cake, twas brown,

Then bought a coffee, with my penny stash.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

82524

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

I HAD FOOD INSECURITY, UNTIL I FOUND MY TOES

I had a couple of extra toes, and I cut them off for the meat,

I went two days hungry, and needed something protein that I

could eat,

It is winter, so there are no bugs,

I checked the bed; I checked the rugs,

I did find a ciggy butt to munch, but it tasted just like dog feet.

22825

PIMPLES, WARTS AND COURTS

Parker was a big pimple, who had a home on Denny's knee,

Denny popped Parker Pimple, then Denny's knee was pimple free,

Then there was Denny's Hilda, a lawyer turned nose wart,

Hilda stopped being removed, by order of the court,

Denny still dug Hilda out, then in contempt of court was he.

AI IS TOO HUMAN

My home has been invaded by pesky, AI bots,

They insist on urinating in my flower pots,

And, whoever knew?

AI bots had to poo,

So, I send them outside to neighborhood, vacant lots.

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

11823

INTERNATIONAL SWEET PEAS, AND JANE

I went to Canada to pick delicious, sweet peas,

I don't like Florida peas, because they make me sneeze,

I popped over to Maine

Met my girlfriend, Jane,

We ate all my sweet peas, gained lots of weight, now we tease.

I VENT

My new cinnamon stick came out of the box, all bent,

Of course, back to the manufacturer it was sent,

In either coffee or tea,

A stick, shouldn't dissolve early,

And, I am so cruel,  I don't miss a chance to mean vent.

HOUSE PAINTING HAIKU

Climb ladder, start paint,
Drop paint can, splash, yellow grass,
Yellow tongued bulldog.

22022

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

7523

WHEN THE FIRST BIRDS BUILT A NEST JIMMY CHEERED

When the first birds built a nest Jimmy cheered,
For the winter lasted longer than he feared,
His food was all gone,
He had no stuff left to pawn,
All he had left was to chew on his beard.

32422

Hello! I am not human.

AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

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I CAME IN LAST IN THE TRUMPET BLOW

I played in the trumpet competition, and came in number nine,

My teacher said I sounded o.k., my mama said I did fine,

Being judged number nine out of eight,

Is a very hard to figure fate,

I think that the judges blended tequila, with their apple wine.

DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,

They wanted to borrow a car,

They were tossed on a plate,

By a lumberjack, mate,

Then, bathed with syrup from a fresh opened jar.

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JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

31122

POACHING MY WAY TO JAIL

My dinner was a little fish, its corpse was flaky and tender,

I caught it out of season, so I am a poaching fish, offender,

Last night I ate a rabbit,

I poached it; a bad habit, 

Tuesday my crimes go before a judge, and to jail, he'll be my sender.

21925

HE FRANKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT

Frank was bald as a marble, yet coveted thick, long hair,

Frank was inspired, when he eye spied, Big Benny The Bear,

Frank went hunting for Benny,

The hair?  Frank didn't get any,

But, Benny with his claws, skinned Frank, and made skin underwear.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

10121

FANCY DRESS AND FIX YOUR HAIR, BUT DO NOT EAT THE PIGS

I am very afraid, and hiding out, down deep in my digs,

It's the end of summer, and people are all roasting us pigs,

We kindly pigs are forsaken,

So, I'm protecting my bacon,

Soon, busy people will fancy dress,  and saloon their nice wigs.

91123

I HAVE NO EGG FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE

I have no eggs to scramble, and I have an egg and sausage ache,

I have no eggs for baking, and my kid wants a nice birthday cake,

What do.I do?

Who do I sue?

Grandma just died from the bird flu, now her poached egg, the angels make.

MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

THE TIRE SWING WAS NOT MY THING

I had a tire swing, roped to the branch of an oak tree,

It wasn't fancy, but the swing was fun, and it was free,

When I fell off, and down I went,

I broke my woodwind, clarinet,

I also broke my neck and arm, and skinned up my right knee.

APARTMENT FIRE, BEAN SUPPER PROSPECTS? DIRE

All of my big brain was completely locked-in,

On getting some sweet, baked beans, out of a tin,

It's was a small, rusty can

The opener ran, and ran,

There was a fire, now I'll not get my din.

UNCLE LEE PUT A HORN TO HIS LIPS, THEN HE WENT TO JAIL

When I saw the gold, twisted, bugle, I knew that it was for me,

But, after I bought the bugle, I gave it to my Uncle Lee,

My Uncle Lee, felt reborn,

Tooting on his toot, toot horn,

But, he made too much noise on his horn, so the jail is where he be.

CASTOR BEANS, AND THE UNSPOKEN DRESS CODE

My neighbor's been living on castor beans, for about, the last couple of years,

He's had the chocolate, backdoor trots, as attested to by most of his peers,

His professional peers have suggested,

That my neighbor's diet, be divested,

Alas, for work, my neighbor used a large  plug, which allayed backdoor, display fears.

COLOR/COLOUR

Why do we spell colour/color in two completely, different ways,

I pine for that answer, before the dismal end, of my days,

In my school youth, I was often failed,

Expelled, I was violent, and jailed,

My life ruined because I spell colour/color, so teachers go craze.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and without my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left me hurt and lame.

32921

I SPY ON THE KITTY

I launched a satellite into the sky,

I only launched it, so I could go spy,

I have a little, gray cat,

Never knew where she is at,

Now I know, and her privacy goes, bye.

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

MARS? DON'T GO THERE

I traveled to Mars, and there wasn't much scenery there,

Just a sickly coconut tree and a small koala bear,

No place good to eat,

No one served fresh meat,

There was a cheap, beauty shop, where they washed and permed my hair.

THE NASTY INTERNET IS MEAN

The internet is nasty, and I got told off in several, meanie ways,  

I was harassed daily by mean emojis, and trolled with fake, sarcastic praise,

I got told off,  by single fingers,

Real naughty, love position, zingers,

I was oft posted in an AI, distorted pic., both eyes covered with glaze. 

HEALTHY MIDNIGHT JAW EXERCISE

Twas the middle night, and I shorted the fridge a pepper, cabbage coleslaw,

I love eating vegetables late at night, but only ones that are raw,

I'll have two buttered buns,

Only big, puffy ones,

The buns and veggies I'll enjoy as a treat, and soft chew them with my jaw.

THE LION CHEF AND THE RABBIT

I saw a rabbit, before the month of May,

He saw me, and the rabbit hopped, hopped away

I'm from the lion race,

So, he didn't like my face,

I think that rabbit, looked right for my souffle. 

HARVEY HAS NO RIZZ

Harvey The Hobo,  had complete lack of normal, human rizz,

No one wanted to be a part, of Harvey's personal bizz,

Romantic? Harvey might just be,

If one likes itch bites, from a flea,

Nobody wants Harvey love; that's on my bingo card and quiz.

I ATE TOO MUCH AND GOT FAT

I have been eating the dogs and the cats,

And, the guano that falls from the cave bats,

I've eaten the things under logs,

Like bugs, snakes and frogs,

I've eaten so much, they're calling me, "Fats".

DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

DIGGING IN THE DARK, UP IN NOSTRIL PARK

My next door neighbor's index finger, got stuck in much deeper, than it looks,

My neighbor got caught digging out deep, dark boogers, using fingers for hooks,

He got caught red handed, and feels shame,

With only his nasty self to blame,

I bet he's the person at the library, wiping boogers in the books.

SQUAT AND FORAGE LIKE A MAN

I live in a dilapidated, housing den,

Along with 16 other homeless, hungry men,

We go to the zoo,

Eat animal poo,

Then rummage in garbage, after curfew, at ten.

ALPHA MAN TOUGH

I brush my teeth with coffee grounds, and kitty liter,

The litter is pee sour, but the grounds taste bitter,

I bathe in motor oil,

That I cook; make it boil,

I eat live birds filled with eggs, as I chew, they twitter.

THE PAISLEY DISEASE

I don't like paisley, because it reminds me of a skin disease,

Little kids get it in my family, when they are in their three's,

I see paisley shirts, suits and shoes, 

There are paisley, stuffed kangaroos,

But of course, paisley PJ's will camouflage, when somebody pees.

THE BEAR CLAW OF POWER

I wear a massive, lucky bear claw, around my scrawny neck,

I'm told it should be a rabbit paw, and I reply, "oh, heck".

A rabbit runs off to cower,

A bear stands stacked, with feared power,

To deal with enemies, I will make them a scarred, crapless wreck.

TOTALITARIAN SCIENCE FOR KIDS

My new teacher told me, the earth is flat and not round,

He said that is what long ago, our spaceships all found,

I told him that I would disagree,

The principal, I was sent to see,

I was afraid, confused, and my heart started to pound.

RURAL AMERICA, AND THE SWEET PEA WARS

Last night, someone grabbed all of my sweet pea vines, and jerked them down to the dirt, ground,

I am sure it was a human, because of all the scat, they left all around,

With a little scat here; with a little scat there,

They left their scat, most everywhere,

DNA shows it was my neighbor's poop, not from some hillbilly, hunting hound.

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE SQUATTERS, THE ONE NIGHT SQUAT IS KING

I have squatted 10,000 days, and been in jail, 10,000 more,

Spending  nights in comfy, warm beds, next day, it's jail, and a food store,

What great wealth can I show?

Well, I'm happy, you know,

It's luxurious living, then meals with the jail friends, I adore.

THE NIGHT SQUATTER

In the cemetery, it is easy to become night squatters,

However, then you have to fight, stinky zombies, some call rotters,

To avoid a zombie night,

Camp on ground, caved in tight,

In those old gravesites, the decayed remain, deep dirt level, plotters.

HAIR EVERYWHERE

My best bro was as furry as a big grisly bear,

And, twice everyday, he would shave off all his hair,

The need for furry care,

My bro, thought was unfair,

With some wax and some duct tape, he showed he had a pair.

SOUPY EGGS IN THE SHELL

I bought fresh, farm eggs, but they were soupy,

That made the family, tense and poopy,

The soupy eggs were quite tainted,

The porcelain, got brown painted,

The bathroom rugs were sticky and goopy.  

SECOND WORLD

I went downhill skiing, and ran into a tree,

I was dead on the scene, and they couldn't revive me,

While I drifted into the sky,

I waved to my body, goodbye,

Then I smelled dad's dark coffee, and mom's ginger tea.

TRINA, TRIP, REPEAT

Trina tried to Rat Dance, but mixed up her two, small feet,

Then Trina fell, hard down, and got bruises on her seat,

Trina shed a tiny tear,

Then she tried again, the dear,

This time people really laughed, at Trina's trip repeat.

WHEN THE MOON HIDES

When the great, full moon disappears, the great spirits, get all, jolly,

Those venturing out that night, often find that venture, folly,

Monsters dance over hills,

Ghouls eat flesh for thrills,

Cruel ghosts, inhabit hosts, like a toy train, Teddy bear, or dolly.

THE IDES OF MARCH WARNING

The approaching Ides of March, foretell the warning,

Be alive at midnight, yet cold dead by morning,

Or, alive at this noon,

Dead by the risen moon,

And, a padded box you soon, will be adorning.

   

THE BLOOD WORM MOON OF MARCH

My family doctor really likes the blood worm, in the moon of March,

He also said blood worms are tricky, if you eat a lot of starch,

Starch super feeds blood worm babies,

No studies allow for maybes,

Then the only way to kill them, is saltwater that makes them parch.

A SQUAT GUIDE FOR THE UNEMPLOYED

The economy is as repulsive as gray, boogered snot,15

With no money for rent, I find vacant homes, for a quick squat,14

Sometimes, there is a find of some food,

For humans, cats or dogs, I'm not rude,

Sometimes I find a real classy place, like one with a Roombot.

OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

THE TOAD LEGACY

There were nine, tiny, squishy, tree toads,

The toads dropped nine massive, fecal loads,

The fecal, super powers,

Grew colored, bright, big flowers,

The toads were tire kill, on the roads.

 

THE PODCAST SALES LIMERICK

There once was a podcaster, and his name was Hot Stew,

Hot Stew started podcasting, to have something to do,

He made dollars in millions,

Then came all of Stew's billions,

Online he sold enemas, both refurbished and new.

DEALING WITH MY FINANCIAL CRASH

All financial schemes are doing a crumble,

While all of my stocks, tumble, tumble, tumble,

I'm vacating, the here,

Gonna drink some root beer,

And, hide, covered in my bed, feeling humble.

EDDY BITES TEDDY

I had this big pest, his name was Eddy,

He was a rat, and he pested steady,

Every night,

He'd take a bite,

Out of my sweet, pink, stuffed bear, my Teddy.

THE DAY THE ROOT BEER STOPED

I foretold that the end of the world was near,

During my lunch, when I ran out of sweet, root beer,

The internets are now trending,

Predicting all things are ending,

 I only have cola, and it don't quench my fear.

THE HUNTING TIGER IN THE SNOW

My Tiger is a kitty cat,
But, that he does not know,
He thinks he is a hunting beast,
So, I let him go out hunting  in the snow,

Alas, Tiger did not do so well,
Out hunting in the snow,
He ended up back at my front door,
Inside he wanted to go,

I let indoors my shivering pet,
He ran to his bowl, a well filled dish,
After that he took a nap,
My hunting Tiger full of tuna fish.

PP04172023

THE BUG IS THE WINNER, TODAY

There once was a small bug that lived in a tuna tin,

He had a hard shell, and not one bit of living skin,

He stayed clear of the mice,

Ignored the little lice,

Each day the bug survived, the bug considered a win.

THE OLD PEOPLE DREAM, AND THE REAL

I dream of eating a whole stick of rich butter,

Once I can afford to move, from this pee gutter,

But, there's no jobs about,

For this geezer with gout,

Last time I fell down, it left me with a stutter.

MILK+ MEOW+MOLE=KITTIES.

Dominick had a really pretty milk cow,

She made lots of milk for Dom's cat named, Meow,

Meow shared her milk bowl,

With her tom cat named, Mole,

Soon there were six kittens, and Dom knew not how.

MORNING OFFICE TREATS

Apple Fritters Monday is how the usual morning, work week starts,

Apple fritters are sweet and greasy, full of sour, fruity tart, tarts,

Fritters are an office win,

But seen as a fat, flab sin,

I like Peanut Brittle Tuesdays, but the brittle yields many farts.

CONSUMING CORN WITH FRIENDS

Four dudes, sitting by some flames at the beach, were eating sweet corn,

After fire toasting, they used butter and salt, to adorn,

It was corn stuck on cobs,

Drippings made all dudes slobs,

They went back to their town lives, where the next working day is born.

KIMMYCOSS GOES TO JAIL

I built me a domestic robot, and named it, Kimmycoss,  

One day it turned on me, and pinched me, and it became my boss,

It demanded eggs each meal,

None in the store, so I steal,

When cops stoped by to arrest me, Kimmy gave the cops a toss.

MY TINY INCOME, MY TINY FARM, MY TINY LIFESPAN

The government has ordered me, to start subsistence farming,

There's little food in the stores, and tiny farming is charming,

I would like to completely pass,

But, I'm the sinking, worker class,

If I work until I'm dead, who important is it harming?