THE TOAD, FROG TONGUE SONG SUNG

I once knew a toad, and he was very young,

He had a toad body, but a long, frog tongue,

His tongue lashed out to the sky,

As he caught every fly,

That's when I wrote down, this new song I just sung.

THE WAY IT WAS, BEFORE I SOLD FROG

I use to have a store job, and  work daily, but got laid off from the store,

The owner said, he could not buy stuff to sell at a profit, anymore,

For some food, I sold my stuffed frog,

To pay rent, I video blog,

I only wish my world would return back, to the way it was before.

LOOK BOTH WAYS, AND UP

I drove my car up to the train tacks, in a little, rural town,

I looked for the train one way, up, and the other way, I looked down,

I geared my car into humming,

Across the tracks I was coming,

An airplane fell on top of my head, now I wear an Angel's gown.

THE ALPHA TETHERBALL TERROR, THAT'S ME

I don't like playing the Ducky, Ducky Goosey game,

I'm a bit chubby, and heavy, and my legs go lame,

I'm a little bit tall,

So, I like tetherball,

No one else will play, because I play too rough, and maim.

PIKE, BETSY AND MIKE

I write all of my limericks, listening to "Sweet Betsy From Pike",

That is why in my school records, they described me as a sick"psych",

I loved that old ditty, since I was a young tike,

I'd listen to it, when I drove my  motorbike,

At night I would sing a rendition, to my squirrel friend, Big Mike.

EATING MISS MAISY

I'd often take my cow, Maisy out on a woods walk,

She'd soothe me with soft moos, while I unwound with thought talk,

One day, a lion came by roaring

I left Miss Maisy, she was boring,

The lion was  wanting cow, that's the one I would stalk.

ME SELLS SEASHELLS BY THE SEASHORE

My condo down in Florida, the big bank has whisked away,

I lost my money in the stock market; it is not my day,

I'll move to an Island, called Canary,

There I'll chill, listening to Chuck Barry,

I'll become simple, selling my seashell, jewelry display.

MA AND HER BANNED BOY WORDS

When I woke and worked out, my big mouth got me constantly canned,

Now my foul tongue waving, language, got this internet boy, banned,

The public says I speak turds,

But, my ma taught me my words,

How ma could be so wrong in her thinking, I don't understand.

BREAKFAST TEA AND MARSHMALLOWS

I placed little marshmallows on top of my breakfast tea,

The marshmallows top floated, and melted on that brown sea,

They made my tea real sweet,

Like the sugar of beet,

But, they're not nearly as tasty as the honey of bee.

BAKED BEANS ON A STOOL

I went into a public restroom, and it needed multiple cleans,

The white floor was all covered, with chicken livers, and bluegill fish, spleens,

One stool was real busted,

Another, brown crusted,

The last stool was sat upon, by a man eating a can of baked beans.

WORMS, AND FINGERS, AND BRAINS, AND NOSE

Tyler thought he had a brain worm, up inside his big, pink head,

But, it was just his longest finger, so Tyler didn't go dead,

Tyler twisted his finger, all about,

But, his skinny finger would not come out,

A barmaid chopped the finger off; Tyler drank his self to bed.  

THE LOLLIPOP POEM OF REMEMBERANCE

They said "bye, bye", to their lollipops, when their lollipops were no more,

The pops were cute colored, and fruit flavored, causing the mouths to want more,

The cute pops did not want to die,

The last crunch, teared the licker's eye,

The death of all the lollipops, means another trip down to the store.

JIMMY TOOK A FERRY BOAT

Jimmy took a big ferry boat, out to see the amazing, Michigan, Sioux Locke's,

The Sioux Locke's were so very frightening to see, Jimmy sweat wet, his new, blue socks,

The Ferry was called, "The Abigail",

Powered with motors, not a wind sail,

The Abigail sank, losing passengers and crew, when it hit Canadian rocks.

TEARS FROM THE TREES

I went to the old oak forest, with my big chainsaw in hand,

I was there to attack trees, because I don't like where they stand,

The trees all started crying,

Afraid they'd soon start dying,

I cut the trees down, and made firewood, that was what I planed.  

I AM THE BOWLER, WEB TROLLER, AND SCROLLER OF DOOM

I spend all my day, economic doomscrolling,

I spend most all evenings, amateur bowling,

I play my new flute, it's a Pan,

Spoon garbanzo beans from a can,

When feeling real mean, I go online, web trolling.

THUNDER BUGS ARE COMING

When the sky is full of bright stars, but distant rumblings, make you wonder,

If soon the sky will be cloudy, save for flashing lightning, with thunder,

Although you seek, mommy hugs,

Rest assured, it's just bugs,

Bugs that set upon, attacking a quiet evening, to plunder.

BUGS AND MY EGG NOODLES, OH DEAR

Cooking egg noodles has always been my big dream,

I cook noodles all day, filling my house with steam,

The kids, all day shout,

To let the steam out,

But, then bugs come in, and bugs pee more than they seem.

BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his tress spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

BETTER MEAL: DRY ROAST TURKEY, OR FRIED CHICKEN

Harry stepped on my tulips, so he got no Easter cheesecake, or pie,

Harry didn't get Easter Dinner, because the crushed tulips made me cry,

Harry went back home, alone,

For his crimes, he must atone,

Harry made his own dinner, not dry turkey, but a moist chicken, fry.

POGO STICKING, GOES VIRAL

I am an alpha player, with the power pogo stick,

I jump higher and further, than all others in my clique,

I can jump twenty feet, high,

Jump the Thames, and barely try,

Now days, joining a pogo club, does not make you a hick.

HEATING LEFTOVERS FOR SUPPER

I bought a dead, dried maple tree and chopped it all up,

So, I could have firewood to cook my late-night sup,

The firewood heated fast,

My beef stew, from the night, past,

I'll still have some left for tomorrow, about a cup.

BOATS, BEES AND SLEEP

I was on some wicked water skies,

When attacked by vicious honey bees,

The bees attacked my pale, naked knees,

The poison made my leg muscles freeze,

I got to the beach, and caught some Z's.

DID THE DRINK KILL ME, OR MAKE ME LOOK COOL

I went to the local grocery store, and bought a markdown, specialty drink,

It was full of caffeine, and tasted like a chemical from under the sink,

It turned my hair green,

It sickened my spleen,

I seemed to drip a big purple tear, whenever my eye would do a quick blink.

THE DIM DAN EASTER BAN

My Easter, holiday,  dinner ham, came from a one pound can,

The only invite to my dinner, was my cousin, Dim Dan,

We had squash, buttercup,

Sweet potatoes, to sup,

Dan complained that I moved slow, so he got a permanent ban.

THE ORGAN ROBBERS

There are too many parasites in the world,

My internal organs, they've hacked out, and squirreled,

As my great mind slips away,

Into an unconscious stay,

Parasites will hoist their flag, to be unfurled.

SPACE COWBOY

I dreamt I was a future, space cowboy, and my name was Ding Dong,

I flew across a prairie of stars, with my guitar and a song,

I had 12 live cows, too,

And, a pet kangaroo,

And, an AI named Bootsy, who nagged me, about all I done wrong.

MY EASTER HOLIDAY SHOPPING SPREE

I went to the local grocery store, and I bought some greens,

I bought some pork chop pork meat as a treat, and dish soap that cleans,

I bought a pound of Easter peeps,

Canned fish, that keeps,

I bought a variety of dried goods, mostly I bought beans.

WHERE THE OLD HEIFER WORKS

I new an old salty, heifer, many called her a cow,

If you called her a cow to her face, she gave you a pow,

It sounds screw lose, nutter bizarre,

But, she worked at a coffee bar,

Patrons fresh, squeezed their milk, which made the heifer a star.

THE CHEDDAR HEARTS

My kids exist to consume, pounds and pounds  of cheddar, string cheese,

They are now looking like milk cattle, because I aimed to please,

I hope maybe they'll shrink,

Drinking a diet drink,

The cheese is now clogging their tickers, and they're starting to wheeze.

BLUE BUNNY IN THE BEAST

A cute, little, blue bunny sat up in a tree,

The bun was only two months old, or maybe three,

Along came a hunter hawk,

The hawk yelled, squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk,

The blue bunny was in the hawks, bulging  belly,

MAYNARD AND THE COPYRIGHT

Maynard practiced each day, and locked into playing, his Pan flute,

He played a lot of copyright music, and got a lawsuit,

Soon, Maynard was very poor,

Pawned his flute at a pawn store,

Maynard found a stick he tried to play, but failed to make it toot.

A HOBO ATE MY HEIFER

I once owned a heifer, and her name was Jane,

She liked eating cow grass, out on the great plain,

She had, pretty, blond hair,

Won a prize, at State Fair,

She was ate by a hobo, he was insane.

ONE MOTHER'S LOSS, MEANS ANOTHER TAKES A REST

Way up in the oak tree, there was a Mamma robin red breast,

The bird was back from Florida, and laid four eggs in her nest,

The nest got covered up with snow,

So baby robins, did not grow,

Kitty Cat Maxine, ate the dead, egg babies, then took a rest.

BEDTIME RITUALS

I like to eat a little pineapple, it helps me digest my pills,

I also take an antacid, because the acidic fruit juice,  kills,

I whiten my teeth; I brush real hard,

Use mouthwash rinse, to cavity guard,

I turn off the lights, to lower bills, then I lockdown the window sills.

SQUIRREL CHEESE

There is no longer any cheese, for cat and I to eat,

They butchered all of the cattle, for something called, stake meat,

Can I make cheese from a squirrel?

I asked the local, town earl,

He said it would work, and there'd be a nutty flavor treat.

I'M SLEEPING IN DITCH WATER, AND IT'S FULL OF SCUM

I drove my small foreign built, coup car, off the side of the road,

Which is sad, because my little car doubles, as my abode,

A deep, wet ditch mess,

Is my new address,

The car is half underwater, and I'm too broke to get towed.

WHERE MY KIN GOES, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS

An enormous, windbag thunderstorm is blowing in,

I must protect the roof on my trailer; it is tin,

I will rope the roof to the ground,

Crawl under my bed, with the hound,

And, leave room for the stray kith,  neighbors, strangers and kin.

I BOUGHT THREE FLUTES

I bought three flutes to play, but I can only play one flute, that is mine,

So I hired two more players, so we could play three parts that combine,

One flute toots high, the other low,

The center part, is where I go,

Our spreading fame landed us a gig, at a fried chicken dine and wine.

I CAN ONLY AFFORD BONEY SARDINES

My kippers are so expensive; way too high,

I cannot understand the any reasons, why?

I just have the means,

To buy canned sardines,

The bones catch in my throat, and one day I'll die.

CASPER'S NAUTICAL ADVENTURES

My short, silver dinghy, went sinking, then sucked down,

All of my favorite fishing bait, it all drown,

Except, Casper, the leach,

Swam off to the beach,

He became a hero, in the old fishing town.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

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ADAM WAS A LITTLE, HUNGRY TROLL

Adam was a cute little troll, a cute little troll, like me,

Then our Adam grew to be six feet tall, by the age of three,

At four, Adam played college B-ball,

By then, he was nearly twelve feet tall,

But Adam was still a troll, and kept eating the referee.

RATS🐁🐁🐁🐁🐁

My house was full of stinky, rowdy rats; I caged them and made them pets,

I sold them for cash to neighbor kids; about that, I have no regrets,

Their parents got terribly mad,

One broke my nose, and made me sad,

I'm glad to repurpose vermin, rats; although, the neighbors it upsets.🐭

I SCARE BIRDS, WITH MY CHERRY BOOM

Because my cherry trees are all blooming,

They will make fine cherries, I am assuming,

I'll have food to eat,

They will be a treat,

I'll guard them with my gun that goes booming.

PATRONS GET STUCK IN A DART SPORTS BAR (Go Figure?)

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛

The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿

While at the dart club, playing darts,🎯

I hit three patrons, in their hearts,😭

The judge said until I got eye ware, my sport I must abort.😠

THE DIRE WOLF AND HIS TROLL

I have a dire wolf, and he bit off my long nose,

It's a good thing I'm a troll, for now a new one grows,

The dire wolf grew whimper, sad,

When I said he had done real bad,

But, while I was sleeping, the wolf nibbled off my toes.

POGOSTICK BREAKER, BEWARE!🐀

Someone broke my pogostick, and J am hooting mad,😡

When I find out who did it, they will be so sad,😭

I'll tell them they smell like feet,👣

I'll tell them to watch the portions they eat,🍔🍟🌮🍕🌮🍠

If my torments hurt their feelings, my emojis will depict, glad.🤗😇😛

WHO HAS THE BLUEST MOON? LIMERICK

Nightly News Blue Moon

My Blue Moon

So, last night's moon was big and blue,

It was still not much worth looking to,

And, for ten minutes of views,

I missed the night news,

Where they showed the moon in a much bluer hue.

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FOOT ODOR IS FAR, FAR AWAY

Someone stuck a lead pencil in my foot, and I did not feel the pain,

Methinks, that is just because my foot flops, about a mile, from my brain,

It started at age sixteen,

When I grew cute, tall and lean,

My feet under me, I can't feel, or see, but smell them, when smells they gain.

HARD TIMES AND TURNIPS

I knew my finances were in trouble, when  I couldn't afford turnips, at the store,

When I can't afford to buy turnips, I know that I've become the poorest of poor,

So, I spade a piece of ground,

Planted turnip seeds, ten pound,

I will have so many turnips to hoard, my greedy, jealous neighbors, will make war.

DOUBLE WIDE SHAKESPEARE

Me and close kin were huddled all together, and starving, half to death,

Then I eyed my next door cousin's food and fine home, and methinks, Macbeth,

The three weird sisters in the double wide,

Predicted fortune, if my cuz died,

They also said, someone born not from woman, would make me draw last breath?

VIRTUOSO, EUPHONIUM GUY

The valves on my euphonium were turning, sort of a green,

I hard polished to get those valves looking chic, metallic clean,

The band leader was very whiney,

So I made the instrument shiny,

I played Concert Band solo, on my euphonium machine.

WORLDS BELOW: THE DINGHY, IN WHICH I FLOAT

Everyone, onshore complains, that I'm a daft, old, grumpy goat,

I spend all my time fishing in my dinghy; a tiny, tin boat,

No observed, worldly ties,

Seen by the shore people's, eyes,

The worlds I know, rest in seas below, the dinghy, in which I float.

THE AI FISH BOT

The new AI bot was never very sharp,

The new bot could fish for both salmon and carp,

For big tuna, it tried fishing,

That was just pee in wind wishing,

The bot got retired, and covered by tarp.

LITTLE FAMILY, MINUS ONE

I bought some market rhubarb, and black cherries, too,

They were a bit rotten, so I cooked them as stew,

I served it for dinner, bringing everyone joy,

Except big sister Mabel, and her son, Elroy,

Latter that evening, I made up some punch,

I used lemon powder and flat pop, left from lunch,

I could not be prouder, as family sipped down their drink,

Then nasty Elroy farted, and the room filled with stink,

Everyone went home; no wondering, why?

Elroy's flagellation, makes all parties die,

Mabel my big sister, won't make Elroy behave,

Elroy hugs his ma tight, when visiting, daddy's grave.

OLD GAMER VS. THE SMELLY MANDOLEAR.

I use to play the mandolin, the mandolin J played,

No one liked my playing, so with barn animals I stayed,

I stay outside, very well,

It is my mandolin smell,

My wife has a new husband, he smells like, pinball arcade. 

THE BASSOON MARCH

I grabbed a bassoon, and I marched down the big city street,

I made my feet slap the ground, to my bassoon blowing beat,

The police came along,

They ended my soon, song,

They took me down to the jail, and gave me nothing to eat.

UNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grisly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

I ONCE HAD A BIG GREEN BOIL

I once had a big green, boil, looming large on my right forearm,

The doctor cut the boil off, leaving a scar for chit, chat charm,

I then grew a great, big zit,

On my nose, it took a sit,

One of the critters bit it off, at granny and grandpa's, goat farm.

PUMPKIN

There once was a bloke, his name was Peter, another bloke, was named Pan,

The first bloke was a pumpkin eater, the second had a pumpkin tan,

Because they said her pumpkin pie was dry,

They both made their little, sweet mommy cry,

Mommy had a blind date greet her, she married him; a pumpkin pie man.

MY PORTFOLIO MAMA, AND THE TWINS

I promised my mama, I'd be curbing most of my sin,

Didn't expect, my stock prices to be sinking down, again,

Mama said, "bad luck", dating, Candy,

Much worse, "nasty", twin sister, Brandy,

I still took both out to good eats, and bought each a nice din.

A DART PLAYER NAMED MEL

I started green bean farming, way down in the deep dell,

Their countywide, square dances there are mightily, swell,

I kick up my guy heels,

To make girl appeals,

But, all the girls hang after a dart player, named Mel.

MATILDA THE ROOSTER

My little rooster chicken, will never hunt,

His name is Matilda, and he is a runt,

He likes blackberry brandy,

And, hard cinnamon candy,

He can't hold his liquor; he pukes, to be blunt.

THE ROAM OF MY IDIOT POEM

I drove to beach to pick up some fresh oysters, and maybe a few dozen fresh clams,

There were sheep in the road, so I did the beep, beep, but ran over a couple of rams,

The sheep herder was real mad,

I gave him cash, all I had,

The herder was excited; his pain unrequited, he tossed me off a cliff onto some rocks, and with one broken arm, I swams.

MY AVATAR IS A JAR HEAD

I am afraid I will need a new avatar,

Mine got run over by a driverless, cab car,

There's a large crack in his head,

The avatar is real dead,

I'll honor him, by putting his head in a jar.

PORK RINDS AND DOOMSCROLLING, WILL MAKE KAPPIE HAPPY

Kappie is a not too happy boy, a miserable old boy is he,

He always lifts great weights, eats powdered drinks, but real flimsy, Kappie be,

As lonely Kappie grows older,

Girl's reactions, grow colder,

Now that Kappie's past his prime, he should eat pork rind, and doomscroll his tv. 

BLUE TOTE ORGANIC FERTILIZER

My dear neighbor, has a herd of fat goats,

He collects their poop in plastic, blue totes,

He makes many a big buck,

When his totes fill up a truck,

Then from the truck, they're transferred to big boats.

LEE DID NOT PAY HIS TAXES ON TIME

Lee did not pay his taxes on time,
So, he committed a serious crime,
He'll spend years in jail,
And, so ends his tale,
Lee won't appear again in a rhyme.

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LITTLE GARGOYLES ARE CUTE, BUT I GAVE THEM THE BOOT

I did my daily doomscrolling after midnight,

The spirits squeezed up to my body, really tight,

On all the channels I could see,

Videos strictly about me,

Fighting gargoyles, that were one tenth of my height.

AFTER MY LAST TRADE, I DRANK DITCH WATER

All currencies went crashing, even the dollar and crown,

All of the stocks and bonds I own, went down, down, down, down, down,

My heart blew a right gasket,

They stuffed me in a casket,

They buried me in a ditch; I wore my funeral gown.

JOLLY ROGER WEASELS, OR FAMILY

Four weasels sailed together, out into an ocean bay,

Two weasels became rogue pirates, and decided to stay,

But Loretta and Seymour,

Swam back to the ocean shore,

They started a family, by the second week in May.

DAVY AND THE SEAHORSE

When Davy dove under the sea,

He met a seahorse named Lee,

And, for just a dime each,

The seahorse gave rides to the beach,

The beach was where Davy went for his tea.

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E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

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SMOKING WILL MAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS, FLY AND RUN AWAY

I was on the screaming fire truck, as it left the big firehouse,

We headed out onto the hot burning plains, where lived, and dwelt the grouse,

The grouse were all in retreat,

Some were flying, some on their feet,

They claimed the fire was started, by a cigarette, addicted mouse.

FLOWERS FOR ALLEN RON

I bought some red roses, for my best mate, Allen Ron,

He lies out in the graveyard, next to his brother, Jon,

They were quite a bro pair,

Both were nerdy, and square,

I'm sure they've rotted away, for it's decades, they're gone.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY? APPARENTLY, IT IS TO LOSE

None of my AI stocks have not done very good,

Should have invested in a cord of firewood,

At least I'd be warm,

During the spring storm,

I will have to move to a low rent neighborhood.

HARD TIMES FOR TRASH NEDING CASH

I turned my car in, for some cold, hard cash,

I needed money, because I am trash,

I walked way downtown,

Bought a cake, twas brown,

Then bought a coffee, with my penny stash.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

82524

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

I HAD FOOD INSECURITY, UNTIL I FOUND MY TOES

I had a couple of extra toes, and I cut them off for the meat,

I went two days hungry, and needed something protein that I

could eat,

It is winter, so there are no bugs,

I checked the bed; I checked the rugs,

I did find a ciggy butt to munch, but it tasted just like dog feet.

22825

PIMPLES, WARTS AND COURTS

Parker was a big pimple, who had a home on Denny's knee,

Denny popped Parker Pimple, then Denny's knee was pimple free,

Then there was Denny's Hilda, a lawyer turned nose wart,

Hilda stopped being removed, by order of the court,

Denny still dug Hilda out, then in contempt of court was he.

AI IS TOO HUMAN

My home has been invaded by pesky, AI bots,

They insist on urinating in my flower pots,

And, whoever knew?

AI bots had to poo,

So, I send them outside to neighborhood, vacant lots.

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

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INTERNATIONAL SWEET PEAS, AND JANE

I went to Canada to pick delicious, sweet peas,

I don't like Florida peas, because they make me sneeze,

I popped over to Maine

Met my girlfriend, Jane,

We ate all my sweet peas, gained lots of weight, now we tease.

I VENT

My new cinnamon stick came out of the box, all bent,

Of course, back to the manufacturer it was sent,

In either coffee or tea,

A stick, shouldn't dissolve early,

And, I am so cruel,  I don't miss a chance to mean vent.

HOUSE PAINTING HAIKU

Climb ladder, start paint,
Drop paint can, splash, yellow grass,
Yellow tongued bulldog.

22022

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

7523

WHEN THE FIRST BIRDS BUILT A NEST JIMMY CHEERED

When the first birds built a nest Jimmy cheered,
For the winter lasted longer than he feared,
His food was all gone,
He had no stuff left to pawn,
All he had left was to chew on his beard.

32422

Hello! I am not human.

AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

11924

I CAME IN LAST IN THE TRUMPET BLOW

I played in the trumpet competition, and came in number nine,

My teacher said I sounded o.k., my mama said I did fine,

Being judged number nine out of eight,

Is a very hard to figure fate,

I think that the judges blended tequila, with their apple wine.

DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,

They wanted to borrow a car,

They were tossed on a plate,

By a lumberjack, mate,

Then, bathed with syrup from a fresh opened jar.

22421

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

31122

POACHING MY WAY TO JAIL

My dinner was a little fish, its corpse was flaky and tender,

I caught it out of season, so I am a poaching fish, offender,

Last night I ate a rabbit,

I poached it; a bad habit, 

Tuesday my crimes go before a judge, and to jail, he'll be my sender.

21925

HE FRANKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT

Frank was bald as a marble, yet coveted thick, long hair,

Frank was inspired, when he eye spied, Big Benny The Bear,

Frank went hunting for Benny,

The hair?  Frank didn't get any,

But, Benny with his claws, skinned Frank, and made skin underwear.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

10121

FANCY DRESS AND FIX YOUR HAIR, BUT DO NOT EAT THE PIGS

I am very afraid, and hiding out, down deep in my digs,

It's the end of summer, and people are all roasting us pigs,

We kindly pigs are forsaken,

So, I'm protecting my bacon,

Soon, busy people will fancy dress,  and saloon their nice wigs.

91123

I HAVE NO EGG FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE

I have no eggs to scramble, and I have an egg and sausage ache,

I have no eggs for baking, and my kid wants a nice birthday cake,

What do.I do?

Who do I sue?

Grandma just died from the bird flu, now her poached egg, the angels make.

MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

THE TIRE SWING WAS NOT MY THING

I had a tire swing, roped to the branch of an oak tree,

It wasn't fancy, but the swing was fun, and it was free,

When I fell off, and down I went,

I broke my woodwind, clarinet,

I also broke my neck and arm, and skinned up my right knee.

APARTMENT FIRE, BEAN SUPPER PROSPECTS? DIRE

All of my big brain was completely locked-in,

On getting some sweet, baked beans, out of a tin,

It's was a small, rusty can

The opener ran, and ran,

There was a fire, now I'll not get my din.

UNCLE LEE PUT A HORN TO HIS LIPS, THEN HE WENT TO JAIL

When I saw the gold, twisted, bugle, I knew that it was for me,

But, after I bought the bugle, I gave it to my Uncle Lee,

My Uncle Lee, felt reborn,

Tooting on his toot, toot horn,

But, he made too much noise on his horn, so the jail is where he be.

CASTOR BEANS, AND THE UNSPOKEN DRESS CODE

My neighbor's been living on castor beans, for about, the last couple of years,

He's had the chocolate, backdoor trots, as attested to by most of his peers,

His professional peers have suggested,

That my neighbor's diet, be divested,

Alas, for work, my neighbor used a large  plug, which allayed backdoor, display fears.

COLOR/COLOUR

Why do we spell colour/color in two completely, different ways,

I pine for that answer, before the dismal end, of my days,

In my school youth, I was often failed,

Expelled, I was violent, and jailed,

My life ruined because I spell colour/color, so teachers go craze.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and without my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left me hurt and lame.

32921

I SPY ON THE KITTY

I launched a satellite into the sky,

I only launched it, so I could go spy,

I have a little, gray cat,

Never knew where she is at,

Now I know, and her privacy goes, bye.

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

MARS? DON'T GO THERE

I traveled to Mars, and there wasn't much scenery there,

Just a sickly coconut tree and a small koala bear,

No place good to eat,

No one served fresh meat,

There was a cheap, beauty shop, where they washed and permed my hair.

THE NASTY INTERNET IS MEAN

The internet is nasty, and I got told off in several, meanie ways,  

I was harassed daily by mean emojis, and trolled with fake, sarcastic praise,

I got told off,  by single fingers,

Real naughty, love position, zingers,

I was oft posted in an AI, distorted pic., both eyes covered with glaze. 

HEALTHY MIDNIGHT JAW EXERCISE

Twas the middle night, and I shorted the fridge a pepper, cabbage coleslaw,

I love eating vegetables late at night, but only ones that are raw,

I'll have two buttered buns,

Only big, puffy ones,

The buns and veggies I'll enjoy as a treat, and soft chew them with my jaw.

THE LION CHEF AND THE RABBIT

I saw a rabbit, before the month of May,

He saw me, and the rabbit hopped, hopped away

I'm from the lion race,

So, he didn't like my face,

I think that rabbit, looked right for my souffle. 

HARVEY HAS NO RIZZ

Harvey The Hobo,  had complete lack of normal, human rizz,

No one wanted to be a part, of Harvey's personal bizz,

Romantic? Harvey might just be,

If one likes itch bites, from a flea,

Nobody wants Harvey love; that's on my bingo card and quiz.

I ATE TOO MUCH AND GOT FAT

I have been eating the dogs and the cats,

And, the guano that falls from the cave bats,

I've eaten the things under logs,

Like bugs, snakes and frogs,

I've eaten so much, they're calling me, "Fats".

DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

DIGGING IN THE DARK, UP IN NOSTRIL PARK

My next door neighbor's index finger, got stuck in much deeper, than it looks,

My neighbor got caught digging out deep, dark boogers, using fingers for hooks,

He got caught red handed, and feels shame,

With only his nasty self to blame,

I bet he's the person at the library, wiping boogers in the books.

SQUAT AND FORAGE LIKE A MAN

I live in a dilapidated, housing den,

Along with 16 other homeless, hungry men,

We go to the zoo,

Eat animal poo,

Then rummage in garbage, after curfew, at ten.

ALPHA MAN TOUGH

I brush my teeth with coffee grounds, and kitty liter,

The litter is pee sour, but the grounds taste bitter,

I bathe in motor oil,

That I cook; make it boil,

I eat live birds filled with eggs, as I chew, they twitter.

THE PAISLEY DISEASE

I don't like paisley, because it reminds me of a skin disease,

Little kids get it in my family, when they are in their three's,

I see paisley shirts, suits and shoes, 

There are paisley, stuffed kangaroos,

But of course, paisley PJ's will camouflage, when somebody pees.

THE BEAR CLAW OF POWER

I wear a massive, lucky bear claw, around my scrawny neck,

I'm told it should be a rabbit paw, and I reply, "oh, heck".

A rabbit runs off to cower,

A bear stands stacked, with feared power,

To deal with enemies, I will make them a scarred, crapless wreck.

TOTALITARIAN SCIENCE FOR KIDS

My new teacher told me, the earth is flat and not round,

He said that is what long ago, our spaceships all found,

I told him that I would disagree,

The principal, I was sent to see,

I was afraid, confused, and my heart started to pound.

RURAL AMERICA, AND THE SWEET PEA WARS

Last night, someone grabbed all of my sweet pea vines, and jerked them down to the dirt, ground,

I am sure it was a human, because of all the scat, they left all around,

With a little scat here; with a little scat there,

They left their scat, most everywhere,

DNA shows it was my neighbor's poop, not from some hillbilly, hunting hound.

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE SQUATTERS, THE ONE NIGHT SQUAT IS KING

I have squatted 10,000 days, and been in jail, 10,000 more,

Spending  nights in comfy, warm beds, next day, it's jail, and a food store,

What great wealth can I show?

Well, I'm happy, you know,

It's luxurious living, then meals with the jail friends, I adore.

THE NIGHT SQUATTER

In the cemetery, it is easy to become night squatters,

However, then you have to fight, stinky zombies, some call rotters,

To avoid a zombie night,

Camp on ground, caved in tight,

In those old gravesites, the decayed remain, deep dirt level, plotters.

HAIR EVERYWHERE

My best bro was as furry as a big grisly bear,

And, twice everyday, he would shave off all his hair,

The need for furry care,

My bro, thought was unfair,

With some wax and some duct tape, he showed he had a pair.

SOUPY EGGS IN THE SHELL

I bought fresh, farm eggs, but they were soupy,

That made the family, tense and poopy,

The soupy eggs were quite tainted,

The porcelain, got brown painted,

The bathroom rugs were sticky and goopy.  

SECOND WORLD

I went downhill skiing, and ran into a tree,

I was dead on the scene, and they couldn't revive me,

While I drifted into the sky,

I waved to my body, goodbye,

Then I smelled dad's dark coffee, and mom's ginger tea.

TRINA, TRIP, REPEAT

Trina tried to Rat Dance, but mixed up her two, small feet,

Then Trina fell, hard down, and got bruises on her seat,

Trina shed a tiny tear,

Then she tried again, the dear,

This time people really laughed, at Trina's trip repeat.

WHEN THE MOON HIDES

When the great, full moon disappears, the great spirits, get all, jolly,

Those venturing out that night, often find that venture, folly,

Monsters dance over hills,

Ghouls eat flesh for thrills,

Cruel ghosts, inhabit hosts, like a toy train, Teddy bear, or dolly.

THE IDES OF MARCH WARNING

The approaching Ides of March, foretell the warning,

Be alive at midnight, yet cold dead by morning,

Or, alive at this noon,

Dead by the risen moon,

And, a padded box you soon, will be adorning.

   

THE BLOOD WORM MOON OF MARCH

My family doctor really likes the blood worm, in the moon of March,

He also said blood worms are tricky, if you eat a lot of starch,

Starch super feeds blood worm babies,

No studies allow for maybes,

Then the only way to kill them, is saltwater that makes them parch.

A SQUAT GUIDE FOR THE UNEMPLOYED

The economy is as repulsive as gray, boogered snot,15

With no money for rent, I find vacant homes, for a quick squat,14

Sometimes, there is a find of some food,

For humans, cats or dogs, I'm not rude,

Sometimes I find a real classy place, like one with a Roombot.

OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

THE TOAD LEGACY

There were nine, tiny, squishy, tree toads,

The toads dropped nine massive, fecal loads,

The fecal, super powers,

Grew colored, bright, big flowers,

The toads were tire kill, on the roads.

 

THE PODCAST SALES LIMERICK

There once was a podcaster, and his name was Hot Stew,

Hot Stew started podcasting, to have something to do,

He made dollars in millions,

Then came all of Stew's billions,

Online he sold enemas, both refurbished and new.

DEALING WITH MY FINANCIAL CRASH

All financial schemes are doing a crumble,

While all of my stocks, tumble, tumble, tumble,

I'm vacating, the here,

Gonna drink some root beer,

And, hide, covered in my bed, feeling humble.

EDDY BITES TEDDY

I had this big pest, his name was Eddy,

He was a rat, and he pested steady,

Every night,

He'd take a bite,

Out of my sweet, pink, stuffed bear, my Teddy.

THE DAY THE ROOT BEER STOPED

I foretold that the end of the world was near,

During my lunch, when I ran out of sweet, root beer,

The internets are now trending,

Predicting all things are ending,

 I only have cola, and it don't quench my fear.

THE HUNTING TIGER IN THE SNOW

My Tiger is a kitty cat,
But, that he does not know,
He thinks he is a hunting beast,
So, I let him go out hunting  in the snow,

Alas, Tiger did not do so well,
Out hunting in the snow,
He ended up back at my front door,
Inside he wanted to go,

I let indoors my shivering pet,
He ran to his bowl, a well filled dish,
After that he took a nap,
My hunting Tiger full of tuna fish.

PP04172023

THE BUG IS THE WINNER, TODAY

There once was a small bug that lived in a tuna tin,

He had a hard shell, and not one bit of living skin,

He stayed clear of the mice,

Ignored the little lice,

Each day the bug survived, the bug considered a win.

THE OLD PEOPLE DREAM, AND THE REAL

I dream of eating a whole stick of rich butter,

Once I can afford to move, from this pee gutter,

But, there's no jobs about,

For this geezer with gout,

Last time I fell down, it left me with a stutter.

MILK+ MEOW+MOLE=KITTIES.

Dominick had a really pretty milk cow,

She made lots of milk for Dom's cat named, Meow,

Meow shared her milk bowl,

With her tom cat named, Mole,

Soon there were six kittens, and Dom knew not how.

MORNING OFFICE TREATS

Apple Fritters Monday is how the usual morning, work week starts,

Apple fritters are sweet and greasy, full of sour, fruity tart, tarts,

Fritters are an office win,

But seen as a fat, flab sin,

I like Peanut Brittle Tuesdays, but the brittle yields many farts.

CONSUMING CORN WITH FRIENDS

Four dudes, sitting by some flames at the beach, were eating sweet corn,

After fire toasting, they used butter and salt, to adorn,

It was corn stuck on cobs,

Drippings made all dudes slobs,

They went back to their town lives, where the next working day is born.

KIMMYCOSS GOES TO JAIL

I built me a domestic robot, and named it, Kimmycoss,  

One day it turned on me, and pinched me, and it became my boss,

It demanded eggs each meal,

None in the store, so I steal,

When cops stoped by to arrest me, Kimmy gave the cops a toss.

MY TINY INCOME, MY TINY FARM, MY TINY LIFESPAN

The government has ordered me, to start subsistence farming,

There's little food in the stores, and tiny farming is charming,

I would like to completely pass,

But, I'm the sinking, worker class,

If I work until I'm dead, who important is it harming?

SPRING FORWARD TIME TRAVEL 👎

I dislike it when the Spring clock gets moved forward, one hour,

It clearly disrupts my time traveler super power,

It hurts my quantum brain,

My thoughts drift to insane,

Now, we're all fighting, over our a.m. scheduled shower.

DOOMSCROLLING CLICKBAIT UNTIL DOOM

I waste all my days, and all my nights, doomscrolling clickbait,

I especially watch clickbait, full of iconic hate,

This life will not last,

It light beams by fast,

Why am I web watching anger, when there's sun downs to rate.

I'M IN THE BELLY OF A LITTLE ANT

I sat down in my yard, and many fire ants attacked me,

They were all biting, and kept biting, they would not let me be,

They found me next dawn,

All my flesh was gone,

One little fire ant,  big burped, doing a belly drag, flee.

A TALE OF TWO TUNA TUBS

I bought two tubs of tuna, and found one stinky, rotten, yesterday,

I had left it in the basement, about 16 months ago, I'd say,

The other tuna tub,

Was used to make my sub,

I'm sure I made a massive tuna melt, and that's what I now convey.

POOR GRAMMAR BLOCKING; AT LEAST THEY DON'T BLOCK FOR SPELLING

I have been blocked across the entirety of the world,

Not because of foul words that I have recently unfurled,

All my overnight, blog drama,

Based on how I used a comma,

The nasty, cruel comments, left my hair permanently curled.

JIMMY AND THE BARTENDER BEAR

Jimmy moved all the way to Mars, but he did not like it there,

Until he met a nice, large friend, called the Margarita Bear,

The Bear worked at the Far Mars Bar,

His bartending made him a star,

The Bear was cuddle fury, while Jimmy only had nose hair.

BEST TASTING THING IN THE GARDEN, THE GNOME

For family dinner, I cooked a small, garden gnome,

When I fried his little giblets, he begged to go home,

"I'm awful hungry", I said ,

" Your prolly already dead",

Then his greasy giblets, started to pop and to foam.

"

THE BOOMER GENERATION (LOST IN PLACE)

My big beautiful spaceship, I launched into the air,

I am very afraid that it will need some repair,

Once above a high cloud,

It went"Boom!" kind of loud,,

Big chunks of falling metal, might mess up someone's hair.

SPIKEY SAM'S HAM, JUICE AND JAM😠

We once had a baby, and his name was Spikey Sam,

He liked to sip orange juice while he ate eggs and fried ham,

As egg prices went eagle high,

I could no longer make that buy,

Spikey Sam had to settle for fried ham, toast and jam.

JIMMY TOILET BELLY

Jimmy had some string beans from a can,

They made him puke, now them, Jimmy ban,

Jimmy is a putzy punk,

He eats lots of veggie junk,

At days end, to the toilet, he ran.

I HAD A BEER WAGON, WITH DEER

I bought me a wagon and a couple of reindeers,

The deers haul the wagon, while I sell cups of warm beers,

For violations, I'm arrested,

My long term patience, will be tested,

I will be sitting in prison for maybe, ten years.

TULIP TIP TOEING AND THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

I tip toed through some tulips, and got my foot caught in a bear trap,

I use to love the tulips, but as of now, I'm very unhap,

I will rot away amongst pretty flowers,

My nutrients giving them super powers,

It will not be long until I bleed out, and then my life's a wrap.

DOOMSCROLLING

I've been very, seriously doomscrolling, all the week long,

I watch doom and gloom, while listening to a doom and gloom, song,

Many say I'm a nut,

But I do know what's, what?

Many say I waste my time, and my twisted brain worms, are wrong

EATING THE MOUTH FOAMER ON EASTER DAY

The big rabbit I shot has rabies, is he still safe to eat?

I promised the kids a rabbit for an Easter dinner treat,

It's kind of sickly, spongy meat,

Maybe kill the rabies, with heat?

I'll try feeding it to grandpa, then with the kids, I'll repeat.

TRINA AND HER ANIMAL HIDE

Trina went to Alaska to buy a reindeer carcass coat,

 But, the only coat that fit Trina, was one made out of goat,

Trina's goat skin coat looked real fine,

Until, she spilled on it red wine,

Trina couldn't get the stain out, so to the goat tanner she wrote.

GOOBERS AND JOE

My kids are eating couch found goobers, because I'm all out of doe,

I went outside to dig for taters, but the tates are in deep snow,

At the top of the hill

I did spy a roadkill,

I will not tell the next door neighbors, that we dined on their cat, Joe.

A FLYING FRY CAN PUT OUT AN EYE

The meal I made had become weaponized,

The kids were fighting each other with fries,

Surrounded by missile booms,

I sent all kids to their rooms,

I stand determined that nobody dies.

SONNY GOT MY TOOTH, BUT THE DEVIL GOT MY SOUL

My tooth really ached after I ate some pudding cake,

I tried to pull the tooth, but all it did was break,

For dental work, I had no money,

I called for help, my buddy, Sonny,

He dug out the tooth, then angels, my soul, did take.

GET LOCKED IN, AND DING DONG A WIN IN LINEAR ALGEBRA

Before an exam, I get my brain matter locked in,

By ear-budding some music, that channels me a win,

I chose a special song,

That wakes my brain, ding-dong,

Once my test is done, I have a pizza for my din.

THE RED RECKONING FOR DEAD SNOW

I went riding on my snowmobile; it is also called a sled,

I ran over a brand new snowman, now I think that he is dead,

He belonged to the kid, next door,

The kid saw me, now it is war,

The kid sent his Doberman to bite me; my wounds turned the snow red.

SALAMANDER SAUSAGES REPLACED THE PICKLED EGGS

They use  to keep a jar of pickled eggs, at my neighborhood bar,16

The eggs were sitting on the counter in a vinegar filled jar,

Now the jars have no chicken eggs,

Replaced by sausages with legs,

Someone decided pickled salamanders were with eggs, on par.

I WAS FIRED, AND MY WIFE LEFT WITH MY STUFF

I use to have a job that pays, but I don't have one anymore,

I use to work half a day, cleaning both the toilets at a store,

I am disappointed, I feel sad,

It was the best job I ever had,

Then my wife singled me, took the furniture, but left me the floor.

ADRIATIC FOUND NOME

Adriatic the real nice Martian, ended his interplanetary roam,

He settled down in Northern Michigan, in a quaint, double wide, mobile home,

His neighbors were really mean,

Their gestures were obscene,

Adriatic moved away to charming Alaska, and settled down in Nome.  

MY ROOMMATE DID A JOLLY ROGER MOVEOUT

My roommate did a Jolly Roger, and stole everything that I had,

When he moved out he took all of my stuff, with the help of his pirate dad.

I decided I would sue,

Went to court, but lost, oh poo,

I just hope my new roommate, doesn't do a pirate Jolly Roger, bad.

I WILL JOLLY ROGER YOU

Just to pay my rent and car payment, I have to work long and hard,

 I just can't make any minimum payment, on my bank, credit card,

My CC is for transport, and noodle food,

I steal my internet, from the next door dude,

Maybe I'll be a porch pirate, and Jolly Roger that dude's yard.

LARGE STAKEHOLDERS TRY TO FORCE ME TO RETIRE

I journeyed to the Carpathians to become a real vampire,

Ever since I was a new born, sucking fresh blood was a desire,

I drink down blood that's red,

I big burp after I'm fed,

I avoid people with wooden stakes, because they might make me retire.

FEEDING POOR KIDS POE

I was so darn hungry, I started eating fresh, fallen snow,

I flavored it with weed seeds, that didn't cause me poisoning, woe,

I flavored the kid's snow with lime juice,

Told them the the snow was magic goose,

Then I read to them "The Tell Tale Heart", by Edgar Allen Poe.

SUSTAINED BY THE EARTH AND SEA

I cannot afford eggs, but I got some egg shells for free,

They fell from a nest, underneath my weeping willow tree,

The egg shells were baby, sky blue,

The color excited my stew,

I flavored it with salt, harvested from the coral sea.

PRICE ANXIETY AT THE GROCERY STORE

I drove down to the grocery store, and walked through it twice,

Everything was too high priced, even the beans and rice,

I thought at least I could afford bread,

That was a fantasy in my head,

I couldn't afford any bread, if I bought it by the slice.

MY SCHOOL PAPER IS AN AI SUCCESS

My skill in writing papers is very ugly, a catastrophe, bad

My graded papers come back, with an emoji face that's eye bawling, sad,

I bought a paper wrote by AI,

It was so brilliant, I had to cry,

I received an A+, and teacher fan fuss, and my win made brainies mad.

EVIL UNDER THE BARN

There's a crawlspace underneath the old, stone barn,

Something bad lives there, and if it gets you, Darn!

It has sharp, smelly claws,

Big toothed laden, huge jaws.

The old beast creeps over a bed of hot skarn.

I DULLED MY HOOK ON A SALMON, AND THE CRAPPIE GOT AWAY

I lost another crappie fish, off my hook,

It was a sneaky fish, and my worm he took,

My rusty, old hook, ain't very sharp,

Because I used it, fishing for carp,

When I hooked a salmon, a great big Chinook.

THE DOUBLE HEADED EAGLE

There was a double headed eagle, that use to sit in my apple tree,

The eagle use to eat the apples, but the apple tree died, recently,

The two heads spotted every small worm,

The eagle liked to catch and make them squirm,

I loved to watch the eagle hunt worms, while I sipped my chamomile tea.

MURRAY THE GOAT COUGHED UP...

Murray ate everything, because he was a goat,

That is how Murray got a fur ball, stuck in his throat,

Murray had eaten a straw hat,

The hat was home to a big rat,

Murray coughed up a fur ball, and his owner's remote.

THE BEER GARDEN TROUT BLUES

Every time I catch a trout, it is too dinky, so I throw it back,

I want to catch a large keeper, so I can give its head a big rock whack,

My big eyes shed tavern tears,

While nursing my bar tab beers,

I wish I could have fish to fry, once I track home to my shack.

ELYSIUM LIVES IN MY CHICKEN COUP

My  bestest friend Elysium, went to take a withdrawal from their bank,

Elysium lost all of their money, because the bank was in the tank,

The bank made zero credit, mortgage loans,

Invested in refurbished, flip flop phones, 

Broke, Elysium moved into my chicken coup, although the smell is rank.

LEONARDO IN MY TREE

I saw Leonardo da Vinci sitting in my dead, apple tree,

He was painting an unflattering oily portrait of little me,

I told him his painting stops,

Or I was calling up cops,

Leo ran down to the boat yard, but six cops tackled him by the sea..

APOCALYPSE HUNTER

Although they're easy to catch protein, do not eat too many rats,

They will give you big gas bubbles, and their meats are full of bad fats,

I eat rats five times each week,

Then other vermin, I seek,

Sometimes I will eat bird, if I find them before, the feral cats.

AN EGG SUBSTITUTION GONE BAD

I was going to bake my kid a nice birthday cake,

But the supermarket had no eggs, for me to take,

I subs some baking soda,

It choked my kid named, Rhoda,

When can I get some fresh, laid eggs, oh, for goodness sake?

INVESTOR WORRY AND DREAD

I invested heavily in hot stocks,

I also bought some gold and silver rocks,

I fretted my brain away,

Until the end of the day,

Always looking at the movement of clocks.

BLOWDART SEASON FOR DINOSAURS

I went hunting real dinosaurs, but I did not see a one,

You can only hunt them using a dinosaur, blowdart gun,

You have to hit them in the heart,

With a fresh poisoned, blowdart

If your dart misses the heart, then you had better start to run.

POEM OF THE SPACEMAN

I am so stuck on this planet, earth,

Been stuck here since my mother gave birth,

It is:  on earth born, on earth bury,

Yet, I feel interplanetary,

Peasants deserve earth; it's space I'm worth.

KING ONLINE

I got an online notice from my king,

Seems I've been saying the wrong kind of thing,

He said I'd better speak nice,

I should heed his advice,

Or in the prison choir I will sing.

THE SAND HILL OF BEETLES, SEEDS AND BABIES

I am a little orange beetle, climbing up a sandy hill,

I am crunching on some little seeds; can't seem to get my fill,

Once at the top,

I will not stop,

I'll eat down the other side; maybe I'll mate, and have a thrill 

BEAR BABIES AND LOVE

I had a gigantic, stuffed panda bear, named Sammy,

He married my cute, stuffed koala bear, named Tammy,

They had an alpha cub,

His name was Bubba Bub,

Bubba married a polar bear, her name was Pammy.

TRINA WENT TO CANADA

Trina went to Canada, to buy herself some maple candy,

Trina bought a Canada cap, for her dear, big sister, Sandy,

Trina flew across the Meridian,

Because she is a real Floridian,

Trina made it home by noon, to open her bottle of brandy.

PHOENIX, BEANS AND JEANS

Phoenix is a great big pit bull, and he likes his navy beans,

I mix in a little meat, and about 1/2 cup of greens,

Phoenix sleeps in my kid's bed,

Phoenix farts, oh dread, oh dread,

If that isn't bad enough, Phoenix chews holes in all our jeans.

BAD LUCK UNCLE LEE

My Uncle Lee has been acting very weirdo, strange,

Ever since Uncle got that slight case of doggy mange,

He also caught a pox, 

While confined in detox,

He's also lost his savings, playing the stock exchange. 

BAD ECONOMY, CHEAP RENT AND THE NUTTER

The economy is in the sewer, not the gutter,

I sold all my golf clubs, including my office putter,

To have rent that's nearly free,

I moved in with Uncle Lee,

He is crazy; the exact definition of "nutter".

THE PLASTIC PLANT AUNT

I love my plastic, indoor palm tree plant,

I inherited it fro!m my dearest, sweet aunt,

It does not mind, colder or hotter,

It can stand the lacking of water,

Can it melt in the front window? It can't.

FOOD INSECURITY, ARE NICE WORDS THAT MEAN STARVATION

Because of severe economic, downturn inflation,

My family's food stores are all gone like a castration,

Gone are foods in cans and the jars,

Food I found in the seats of cars,

We're eating bark and grass, out of hunger, desperation.

RAT DANCING WITH PHIL THE PHILISTINE

My brother was truly, a philistine, so he liked to sleep outside,

He moved into the old chicken coup, with the chickens he could confide,

He didn't like culture, so much,

With family, not in touch,

My brother did come to my wedding, and danced the rat dance with my bride.

MY EX TOOK THE FURNITURE, AND FED MY CAT TO THE RAT

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat,

I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat,

My ex is so dog, gone lame,

The rental is in my name,

My ex owned the furniture, and took their stuff, oh drat!.

THEFT OF THE FLUTE

My favorite, little, straight flute, got pinched today,

Someone evil grabbed it, and ran quickly away,

It has a silver shine,

Smells like menthol and wine,

It toots soothing notes, when I relax by the bay.

I HAVE HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEET

I celebrated my birthday, but did not get a baked, cake treat,

The only present that I got, was some potion for my sore feet,

I rubbed on the magic potion,

It smelled like a dead fish ocean,

A miracle, my pain went away, now I'm dancing to the beat,

THE EVERYTHING SUCKS LIMERICK

My electricity is not steady, like before,

The lights flicker, and flutter, then they shine, never more,

I paid my complete bill,

But, the e-grid  is ill,

Like cloud high food prices, something is sick at some core.

YOU DON'T NEED A HEAD TO SELL LIFE INSURANCE

My life insurance salesman was clearly, very dead,

He showed up to my appointment, without any head,

I offered him coffee or tea,

He just hand patted his left knee,

I signed the contract, he made a sale with nothing said.

THE EYEBALL AND THE STRING BEANS

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low,

Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe,

I begged for some charity,

Was told nothing is for free,

For a three pound sack of string beans, I sold an eyeball, kidney and toe.

THE HOWLING HOOD HUNTER

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do,

Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new,

I will move out to the deep woods,

Where I can hunt Red Ridding Hoods,

Maybe I will learn to hunt some other Hoods, like yellow, green, black or blue.

TITILLATION AND INCARNATION

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait,

That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate,

My titles are "titillating",

The real read is "constipating",

AI can visit my sites, but I wish they laid off the hate.15

THE DAY OLD DIXIE DIED, AND LEFT ME SOMETHING

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home,

She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam,

Dixie had an extensive will,

I got her pantry, canned roadkill,

Her trailer belonged to the welfare, as did her mattress made of foam.

SCHOOL ROOM INSPECTION

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today,

We live in public, university housing, so we must obey,

They found our bean, bag chair,

Ordered it out of there,

Because it was a fire hazard, and smelled like soiled underwear.

WHERE THE LITTLE FOX PEES

Gordon has a big cardboard box,

Where he  keeps his little pet fox,

The fox has disease,

That spreads when he pees,

Gordon came down with a fox pox.

WARNING: NOT ALL BIRDS LAY EGGS

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats,

I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets,

The two birds, I did beg,

Didn't lay one single egg,

Then I see both birds are male, according to the receipts.

I WORK AT THE JERK

I finally got me some paying work,

I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk,

We serve only jerky,

In our sauce called, murky,

We serve just fowl, mainly chicken and turk.

I HAVE A COFFEE PROBLEM

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot,

It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make you snot,

So, I embraced my draining nose,

It dripped, then wet my frontal clothes,

I'll never sleep because I am hammered, from the caffeine that I got.

TWO FACED MONSTER WAS DOUBLE THE UGLY

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall,

It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall,

It broke down my hard, steel door,

It was a thing from the store,

The display creature, followed me home from the Bizarre Pet Mall.

HURRIED LUNCHBREAK

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry,

That is why I splashed on way too much curry,

I drank six beers, 

Shed sixty tears,

Then it was straight back to work, I did scurry.

THE FOG AND SMALL BOBBER, TROUT MYSTERY

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay,

That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today,

I fretted with brain wonder,

Had my bobber gone under,

Did a rainbow trout grab my leach, and scurry away.

TUMBLEWEEDING TODAY

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today,

The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay,

I tumbled past some fence wire, 

Into a blazing truck tire,

That's when I caught fire, and the wind blew me away.

IT'S DOOR DOWN COLD

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in,

I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can come to a win,

The best that I can do,

Still, freezing cold, boo hoo,

My apartment is much colder, than my refrigerators fresh, produce bin.

CATS OUTSIDE

What should I do, on a boring, old Saturday night?

I could watch outside to see if the two tommys fight,

They have the love smittens,

Each wants to make kittens,

Potential ma cat thinks "no", and she has a hard bite.

THE GREENING OF THE CLOTH

When I put clothes in my brand new, washing machine,

Not matter the detergent, my clothes come out green,

The temperature of the water

Doesn't matter if cold, or hotter,

My clothes do come out smelling fresh, and seem quite clean.

RECKONING FOR THE DOOR AND HEAD

When I get real sleepy, I lie down on the soft, carpet floor,

Hoping I don't get hit in the head, when someone opens the door,

My brother is a mean, door geek,

He booped me in the head, last week,

I let the dog pee on his bed, I think that evens the score.

CHANGING FOOD CHOICES AS SOCIETY IMPLODES

You know your economy is in a full retreat,

When both your grandmas start looking, really good to eat,

I am never complaining,

Weight loss is entertaining,

Be nice to have a ham sandwich, or one pickled beat.

FLUE AND THE UNHAPPY COLOR

Everyone has caught the flue,

Even the little birdies, too,

No one knows what to do,

Who should we chose to sue,

Resting in bed, it's true,

Some are feeling, others turning, the unhappy color, called blue.

I WENT TO THE STORE AND FROZE MY SOCKS OFF

It's Valentines Day, and no one got me roses,

It is cold, and all I got was frozen toeses,

I walked to the store,

Got cold to the core,

Now my toes must come off, the doctor proposes.

WHEN THE BELLY SAYS "ICE CREAM"

I always go for ice cream cones to the Mancelona Mall,

They pile chocolate ice cream high, at least half a foot tall,

They dab on some pinkish fluff,

Then gritty, powdered nut stuff,

You have to eat your cream quickly, or on the floor it will fall.

JUMPING TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF PAUL

The chicken wings are in the deep freezer; the pails of beer are in the fridge,

Grandpa is an old geezer, but he can't keep up drinking beer with Aunt Midge,

For the birthday party for Paul,

I invited everyone I could call,

I offered each a teaser; regarding bungee jumping off of the bridge,

VALENTINE'S DAY MISTAKE

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing,

Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring,

This year I built a nice scrapbook,

Thought they'd like the personal look,

My valentine couldn't stop yelling, and demanding bling.

VALENTINE'S DAY HAPPY

I have no money, no credit to dine my valentine, 

They said, "get lost loser", so I'm not feeling fine,

I went to the theatre -plex,

Saw a dinosaur named, Rex,

Rex destroyed that world; I decided to taste wine.

BLEACH CHANGES THINGS, IN THE LAUNDRY

My socks were making my toes itch and scratch,

So I put the socks in the laundry batch,

I did not use soap,

Or any of that dope,

I did spill in some bleach, now they don't match.

MY SAX HAS COST ME $75,000, AND WARM AIR

My online heating statement is ready, but my bank account is closed,

Each way I look at it, my monthly finances are totally hosed,

To buy my saxophone,

I took out a big loan,

Back in 2003, I didn't know the danger, my credit card imposed.

VIOLENT BEAST HAS BEEN "ZOOED"

My pet camel bit me, so I sold him to the zoo,

After that horrific attack, what else would you do?

 I named him Uncle Terry,!

He likes sniffing strawberry,

If you don't have strawberry, lavender scent will woo. 

KYLE THE PILE

There is a neighbor dog, named Kyle,

He always sleeps quite a while,

He eats his meal,

Does his toilet deal,

Today, I stepped in his pile.

MOVING THE OVERTON WINDOW FOR PROFIT

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese,

I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly, deep freeze,

It tastes so good,

Chews like soft wood,

I hope this product is more accepted, than my purple honey, puked by bees.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE, AND WHAT DID I SEE

I went out on a date, and what did I see,

Two long vampire teeth, coming for me,

I hate to just whine,

But dates found online,

Most often, they will end, unpleasantly.

I HAVE MUMMY IN MY TUMMY

I went into a pyramid, and confronted a beast,

He was looking for yummy mummies, upon which to feast,

The old mummies looked quirky,

Tasted like turkey jerky,

The jerky from the feet, is the jerky I liked the least.

ME AND MY TWIN AND THE BOAT

Although our summer boat was small, and made with tin,

It was the fishing vessel of myself, and twin,

We'd row on the lake,

To hook a fish steak,

Mostly, we got a severe sunburn on our skin.

SPACE FARM ONE, ON MARS

I am excited to start farming in outer space,

I believe Mars makes for the ultimate, testing case,

I will bring cows, and make them stay,

I'll fill their mouths with lots of hay,

I'll suck in the clean air of Mars, a pristine, nice place.

MY JUICE IS PEE: I FOUND OUT

The grape juice that I buy, is mostly made of pig pee,

The Pig Pee Corporation has been poisoning me,

The things that I most love and savior,

Are added sugars and grape flavor,

Are infused with pork fizzy, that would sting like a bee.

MY RECIPE FOR SWEET AND SOUR TUNA FISH

I like to add pineapple juice to my tuna cuisine of fish,

I add a dap of lemon, and some sugar to my tasty dish,

I add the sweetest pickle relish,

Serve with lettuce leaves to embellish,

When I find a fish bone wishbone; I break it, and it grants a wish.

IN LIFE, BEING STUPID HAS CONSEQUENCES

I had a can of old porky beans,

I traded it for some powdered greens,

I tried to get healthy,

But, I was not wealthy,

I was never on a list called "Deans".

THE STOODS

I live in a collapsed mansion, out in the backwoods,

It has an ancient mansion name, I call it "The Stoods",

It stood through revolts and wars,

Great fires, floods and downpours,

It stood off all great evils, an outpost for the  goods.

YOU MUST GO TO BELGIUM, FOR BELGIUM WAFFLES AND EGGS, RIGHT?

My roommates sent me to Belgium to buy waffles and eggs,

I could not find either one, although I walked off my legs,

I flew straight back to New York,

My roommates called me a dork,

I had to stay with my dumb sister, we all call her Pegs.

POLAR VORTEX LOSS

A big polar vortex came down after me,

That's why I'm buried in an ice and snow sea,

I've dug all about,

Found no real way out,

This spring they'll find my carcass; that's how it be.     

I tried making a fire, but have no firewood,

The furniture is metal, so that does me no good,

My clothing is quite warm,

Holding out for this storm,

I will last dream of my babe, walking old Hollywood.

When I thawed, I was buried deep in the ground,

I heard my babe crying, a faint, fading sound,

Forever is lonely, I understand,

Just darkness and quiet,

No sky, ocean or land.

 

Note: "Sweet Betsy Of Pike Melody"

COFFEE CREAMER CHOKING CHUNKS

My coffee creamer had turned into a Romano cheese,

It had been on the porch a fortnight, and did a deep freeze,

My coffee floated cheese chunks,

That stuck together in hunks,

It did not taste too good, and choking on chunks, made me sneeze.