DENNY ATE TOO MANY

Denny ate so many tomatoes, his mouth was full of canker sores,

He ate so many dried prunes, that every bowel movement, it pours,

He ate too many onions, as well,

Caused an armpit issue, you could tell,

Denny, who had too many, had a girth issue, getting through narrow doors.

NURSE POUCHIE

My little terrier, has a very kind, pouchIe brain,

He brings me my fluffy slippers, and drags to me my cane,

I lost my teeth to decay,

He chews all my food, hooray!

I depend on Pouchie; nurse care is so hard to obtain.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This has always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus, I found vamps riding the high wires.

 

HARD TIMES = PANTRY FOODS FOR CHRISTMAS GIFTS

My favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a big box of macaroni and cheese,

My second favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a can of unsalted sweet peas,

Green beans give me gas,

On asparagus, I'll pass,

Give me a jar of bread and butter pickles this year; that gift will certainly appease.

THE ADVENTURE OF RIM TIM TIN

I shopped, and  bought a little metal, fishing boat, and I named it Rim Tim Tin,

It was made of tin can-like aluminium, and the aluminium was thin,

I went out in the boat with my dog,

We ran over a floating pine log

The aluminum buckled, my dog chuckled, and the water came rushing in.

MY SISTER HUNTS FOR OUR HOLIDAY FEAST

Christmas is coming, instead of goose, we are going to eat rat,

My sister has a BB gun, and she knows where the rats are at,

By day, they're under the floor,

They are sleeping; hear them snore?

At night the rats go where they want, since they frightened away the cat.

I SLEPT WITH MY MR. TUTTLE DOLL

My mama laid me down to sleep, with my Mr. Tuttle doll,

Mr. Tuttle was a dead pet rat, stuffed by my Auntie Moll,

We grew up as jobless, poor,

Couldn't afford stuff from a store,

So, we stuffed our pet animals, like nanna, with Pappy Sol.

I HOMEMADE A FRIEND

I sewed a bunch of dead body parts together, because I needed a friend,

I did not add any legs, so they wouldn't runaway, should my big mouth, offend,

The monster needed food to eat,

I gave it nuts and a raw beet,

The monster had a big cry, because tap dance classes, it would never attend.

BIG BOX STORE SANTA GOES HO, HO, HO

Down to the bus stop, he would go,

Big box store Santa, Ho, Ho Ho,

He had no reign deer,

He was full of beer,

So, when he talked to kiddies, his speech was slurred and slow.

REGULATING LIMERICKS FOR FUN AND PROFIT

So they do not insult any sovereign, independent nation,

My limericks that are eclectic and dumb, need some regulation,10

I agree, don't you?

I'll quit saying, "pooh",

But, if I don't warn of space invaders, we'll suffer termination.17

DILLY AND DOUG, THE EXTERMINATOR GUYS

Everywhere I looked in my house, I found a big bug,

I called in the bug exterminators, Dilly & Doug,

They covered my house with a plastic dome,

They filled the dome with poisons, gas and foam,

Then they drained off the poison, and deep cleaned my carpet rug.

BACKSEAT BABY DELIVERY ON WHEELS

My sister had a baby in the back of a self-driving, rental car,

I am telling you right now, this story you will find, is really bizarre,

Sis and baby boy are fine,

But, my sister did a whine,

She was charged by the car rental company, at delivery room par.

WHAT A BUY, A++ PIE

I was told the economy is A+,

I suppressed at the grocery store, a cuss,

I had not the means,

To buy a can of sardines,

There was a discounted pie, it looked like puss.

RAVE OVER THE GRAVE: MY NEPHEW IS A GHOUL

I wish my teenage nephew would quit his bad habit, and go to high school,

Instead, he digs up body parts in cemeteries, because he's a ghoul,

He and his friends love every grave,

Every Friday,  they party, rave,

When I was young, I avoided graveyards, because they were not very cool.

I CAN'T TALK TO STRANGE PEOPLE ONLINE, ANYMORE

I was forced off of social media, because I am too young,

I'm afraid to play outside, because on my swing I might get hung,

I might be attacked by bats,

Or eaten by some cougar cats,

All the strangers I meet online, are people I feel safe, among.

TUNA FISH DEODORANT, YES IT IS A THING

I went to.visit my friend, Tuna Fish, and it set off my nose alarm,

A tuna needs deodorant under each fin, like a human does, each arm,

More stinky, became the still water,

As the temperature grew hotter,

Soon it smelled less like a tuna home, and more like a tuna farm.

RELAXING IN MY TINY, NEW HOME

I built a tiny blue house; it was way, way up on a hill,

I could afford only one window, and just one windowsill, 

I enjoyed my new hut,

I consumed a doughnut,

I watched YouTube, went to bed early, taking one purple pill.

THE BAD BEHAVIOR OF TINKER

I once knew a vampire, named Tinker,

Tinker was quite a mean, big, bad stinker,

He was not a dear,

He bit me on the ear,

I told Santa; yes, I am a finker.

COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, PUSSY CAT

Christmas is coming, I cannot find my pussy cat,

I fear she was scared away by a wretched, fruit bat,

I know she will come on back,

When she misses my old shack,

And, misses the caned tuna, she shares with her friend, Rat.

GETTING WHAT'S COMING AT THE END OF SPACE AND TIME

Jim was sitting on the rooftop of his house, watching his planet get destroyed,

Jim suddenly found his wee, little self, floating around in a star lit void,

A frog ghost appeared,

Said Jim ate his legs, he heared,

Frog got revenge at the end of time and space, by exciting Jim's hemorrhoid.

EEK AND ZEEK, PEEK AND SEEK

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek,

When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek,

The girls thought the peek was a stare,

So did local Constable Robare,

Now, Zeek and Eek,  the President's pardon they seek.   

KNOWING WHEN FAMILY LOVES A MEAL

On the way home from my work, I bought taters, five pounds,

I like my fried taters, and share them with my four hounds,

They love fried potaters,

More than fried tomaters,

I know they love a meal, by their burp and farting sounds.

BLEAK HOUSE HOLIDAY MEAL

Suddenly, our Christmas dinner is looking quite bleak this year,

We can't afford our eggnog, or even ice cream and root beer,

There is not gonna be meat,

Just bread and gravy, we'll heat,

By singing Christmas Carols, we'll pretend the good time are here.

THE BAT ENTANGLEMENT THEORY.

I am the that little bat that hides behind your bedroom closet door,

I come out at night, and play in your pretty hair, when you start to snore,

Playing in hair is lots of good fun,

Of course, I'm gone by the rising sun,

Sometimes, I bite and scratch the scalp a little, that's why your scalp is sore.

SANTA ATE MY EDIBLE PET

I bought a fat goose and I named him Christmas, so now he is our Christmas goose,

Each morning I kick him out of the kid's bed, and in the backyard, he runs loose,

Christmas tried to run away,

By hiding in Santa's sleigh,

Santa took Christmas to the North Pole, and roasted Christmas in candy cane juice.

PIRATES OF THE GREAT LAKES

Don't walk along the Lake Michigan coast,

Where buried gold treasure is found, the most,

A treasure hunt there, don't try it,

An evil spirit stands by it,

Captain Jean Vien is that merciless ghost.

Pirate Jean Vien, guards many golden treasures,

Treasures people desire to fulfill they're pleasures,

But, the treasures have a price,

So, don't let them entice,

The price is your soul, slowly taken in measures.

TINKERER OF BLOOD

I work fixing pots and pans, through the night,

J cannot take the bright of the daylight,

I am the living dead,

Called, The Vampire Fred,

I'll fix your pots and pans, for a blood lite.

I SNAG A LOT

I went fishing in a river, and all I caught were snags,

So, when I went home with my buddy, he had the big brags,

He caught ten fish, all keepers,

Using lures he called "creepers",

I helped him clean his fish, and seal them in quart freezer bags.

NIGHT TINKER COURT AND THE LIVNG DEAD

I use to be a tinker, and I did tinkering for pay,

I would tinker all night long, and then would sleep, most all the day,

Someone told the town squire,

That I was a vampire,

Now I'm in a jail, but in tinker court, I will have my say.

LIVING FOR FREE UNDER A TREE

I took to living under a big apple tree,

I paid absolutely no rent, I thought it free,

But, it was in someone's front yard,

They had a hound dog as a guard,

I paid the hound dog my biscuit, to let me be.

COFFEE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee,

All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, free,

We were town proud, and full of joy,

We gave off airs of townie coy,

Coffee prices blew up; the diner closed; through the window, the ends I see.

GIRLFRIEND, NIGHTMARE AND THE GARGOYLE FELLA

I was having a nightmare about this gargoyle, fella,

He was flirting with my new girlfriend, her name was Bella,

I ordered him to go away,

Then, he bit my arms off, touche,

So, I got a different, new girlfriend, her name was Stella.

MEAT AFFORDABILITY.

I went to buy some fresh, lean beef, but the price was just too high,

I went to buy some deli ham, but the pig price made me cry.

I wanted to buy some fresh fish,

The high price belated my wish,

I tried to buy some turkey, but my credit card said "DENY".  

SWAG BAG AND POLICE DRAG

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag,

The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely rich, and "swag",

But, the free stuff was so cheap, cheap,

The shoppers dumped it in a heap,

And, substituted electronic stuff, then riot cops did a cuff and drag.

I CAUSED THE GREAT TINKER TIRE FIRE OF 1988

I love to tinker with a stove pot, or a fry pan,

I patch up their big and small holes, as best as I can,

I tinkered a tire,

But, it caught on fire,

Now, on tinkering tires, there's a government ban.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

I RIDE THE WILD BEAR

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear,

Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair,

I rode the bear to mum's,

Stoped at a store for gums,

I rode the bear at a steady trot, so mums neighbors, he wouldn't scare.

A POEM FOR MOM

A POEM FOR MOM
100 YEARS
BORN DECEMBER 2, 1925

I wish, wish you were here,
My mom, my friend, my dear,
Friends grow up and go away,
Girls come, but never stay,
I wish, wish you were here,

Mom always knew best,
Knowing peers care, most in jest,
Friends and lovers by night betray,
Mom stands stoic in the day,
I wish, wish you were here,

Now, there's no one casting a light,
I must spend my time in the blackness of night,
While billions of hearts surge,
Their beating melody, my dirge,
I wish mom, I wish you were here.

 LEIGH COLLIN BRANDT

BLOWING SNOW, AND KIN IN THE TIN

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in,

It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was made of tin,

We got more wind blow,

And, in blew more snow

The family is not doing  bad, but we're still missing a couple of kin.

THE BLOWER WITH THE CLOGGED CHUTE

The chute on my brand new snowblower was not shooting any snow,

That was in spite of my snowblower having a good grinding blow,

Ice was caught in the chute,

And, with a kick of my boot,

The chunk of ice cleared the blower, and crashed the car windshield, oh, woe.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS", FROM SANTA CLAUS

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job,

He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,

I had to clean out the reindeer stalls,

Much poop on the floor, more on the walls,

When I finished I asked Santa for food; he said, "eat the poop", oh, sob!

TOILET THRUSTING FOR BLING

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring,

It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything,

Granted, the ring was way too small,

Should have bought for a big and tall,

I might have to buy a cheap replacement; I can't afford more nice bling.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

I ONLY HAVE THREE FINGERS

You know, I only have three fingers; I only have three toes,

I come from the distant, planet Mars, and that's just how it goes,

We are born, just a small stone,

Then we branch out into bone,

We phase into a rough, tough, hard bod, that's how we beat our foes.

SANTA AND THE FRIED FROG LEG CHRISTMAS

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog, 

The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog,

Some people always scoff,

To take a frog leg off,

Mrs. Claus cuts off the frog legs, then throws the bodies to the dog.

FOOD WOULD TASTE BETTER IF I MADE MORE MONEY

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale,

After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail,

The poor food choices I take,

Based on the wages, I make,

If rich; I'd settle my belly with a pint of ale.

CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

THE WIFE AND KIDS CAN EAT BUGS, I'M OUT OF HERE (BAD DADDY)

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand,

They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch within their hand,

I cannot take this anymore,

Having a family that's poor,

I'm going to quietly get in the car, and drive off to the promised land.

I'M LEARNING AN ADVANCED SKILL, SO I CAN MAKE THE BIG BUCKS

There is a much better job in my sight,

I just have to learn how to read and write,

I just learned my ABCs,

Next, I'll learn my DEFGs,

I take my time; wife says I'm just not bright.

VICTORIAN BLED

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled",

In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead,

The blood spirits had evil desires,

So, the blood was let out into fires,

The movie was really gory and stupid; that is enough, said.

MAMMA DID CRY, THEN BUBBA WENT BYE (HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2025)🦃 🍕

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie,

Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my mama cry,

I would really like to say,

It was the happiest day,

But, Uncle Bubba had a big, hissy fit, so we threw him outside and said goodbye.

THE SPECIAL NOODLE CHEF, MAKES HIS NOODLES ROAR!!!

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store,

I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more,

They must be drained, slightly under done,

Overcook them, and they are no darn fun,

I drench my noodles with bacon grease, and paprika makes them roar!!!

THE BRAIN, YURT, RAIN LIMERICK

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain,

I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein,

It just hurt and it just hurt,

I took a nap in my yurt,

My yurt blew away, and down came snow, ice and rain.

ANYBODY HEARD ABOUT THE SHELL FISH LAW?

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat,

I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat,

Surprised, I got a hale of stones,

Breaking both blood vessels and bones,

Finally, it stopped when my heart wouldn't beat, beat.

ONE HOLIDAY (TURKEY AND HAM, THEN WE ALL SCRAM)

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day,

We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play,

Most like to go ski,

But, that's not for me,

I like riding on my Ski-Doo, unless a tree's in the way.

I MOUTHED OFF AT A SANDWICH AND POP SHOP

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop,

It was gonna be just a one place, one stop,

The bathrooms, they stunk,

Like a roadkill skunk,

I complained to the owner, he called a cop.

JAIL FOOD, YUCK! BAR FOOD, YUMMY!

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail,

Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail,

Yesterday, it was potatoes,

Today it was red tomatoes,

I'll now park on a barstool, and consume only ale.  

BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.but

OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER COMES FROM THE ECONOMIC BOOM!!!

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee,

There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the leg, for me,

We did carve a withered, Halloween gourd,

Split two potatoes, that I could afford

We were all thankful for the economic boom, that somehow, no one can see.

KID WILL VENT WHEN NO PRESENTS SENT

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14

Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14

Why were there all those empty shelves?

Tariffs were placed on Santa's elves,

With kids wanting toys, and Christmas morning they'll be venty.14

I SHOP DISCRETELY FOR DISCOUNTS, AND MAINTAIN MY RANK IN SOCIAL CLASS

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store,

I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!",

I bought some fake toenails, 

A box of colored face veils, 

I was quick to go checkout, so people wouldn't think me, poor.

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.

THE HEADLESS NIGHT TERROR

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red,

He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head,

I said, "please, Mr. Ghost, go away,

I just cannot take this, today,"

The ghost lifted his ax; a voice filled the room, "I'm taking your head, hooray!"

COMPARISON TEA

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair,

Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear,

Chamomile is social,

Lemon tea, emotional,

I think I'll stick with green tea; the color I died my hair.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

51322

HOW TO BUY LOTS OF CHRISTMAS CANDY, CHEAP!

I shop for my Christmas candy, when I go to rummage and yard sales,

I only buy the real quality stuff, not sucked on by bugs or snails.

I do not worry about germs,

And, ignore the tiny worms,

Candy is so high in stores, but for less than a dollar, I buy pails.

BFB AND DROOL

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school,

The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool,

First, Drool did his bad thing,

He drooled on my left wing,

Then BFB busted my right wing; methinks my casts were cool.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And, Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And, Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

112122

OH THE TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN JUICY FLIES WE COULD RETRIEVE

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed,

He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed,

Greedy for the big, fat, flies,

Ones with eyeballs, full of eyes,

Sneed would suck out the juice from the flies; I couldn't watch the deed.

ON FRIDAY, ROTTEN FISH FILLS THE MORGUE

I went to a fast food place, for a fish between buns with a pop and fries,

I hung out there on Fridays to be with the local gals and local guys,

But, the fish had a awkward smell,

The stinky, should've been a tell,

We we're ghosted that day, seems when you eat stinky fish, everyone dies.

TOILET DOWN

My neighbor sat on my bathroom toilet, and the toilet fell through the floor,

My neighbor is threatening a lawsuit, for a million dollars, or more,

My neighbor weighs near 400 lbs,

He sinks when he walks on any grounds,

My attorney said settle, sell my house, and accept being lawsuit poor.

SETTING JIMMY FREE

Jimmy the itty, bitty lizard is so sad, you see,

He lives alone in my restored, antique cabinetry,

He eats spiders and fruit flies,

Turns them into white, poop pies

I should take Jimmy outside, and toss him into a tree.

SHACKING UP FOR THE WINTER, OR FAMILY TIES IN THE RURALS

I bought a shack down in the holler,

I moved in and spread out my squalor,

I decided to let in,

The rest of my kith and kin,

Some cousins must wear a dog collar.

BAD ROBOT AND THE BANANAS

A robot stole my packed, full grocery cart; it was full of bananas,

I was taking them to the nursing home, to feed the grandpas and nanas,

For the bananas, I had paid,

Cannot buy more, without some aid,

You just cannot go anywhere; robots have all turned into piranhas.

CAT VILLAIN

My grey cat is a villain, a villain is he,

He shredded my curtains, and dropped pee in my tea,

Teasing my pretty koi, 

Brings my cat villain joy,

I wouldn't keep the cat, but for my kid, Little Lee.

SCHOOL SALISBURY STEAK OR STARVE

I went to the grocery store to buy just one pound of ground beef,

I looked at all the high beef prices, and said, "oh, good greedy grief",

I couldn't afford any meat,

I bought bananas to eat,

I told the kids to rely on school lunches, and eat, eat, eat, eat.

FLYING MONKEY, HAIR THIEF

Along came a big flying monkey, and he flew off with my toupee,

I'll never see that fake hair again, because the monk flew far away,

My new hairline I fear,

Sits just north of my ear,

Oh, those big, bad, nasty, flying monkeys; may they find much woe, one day.

I EAT NO PEACHES

I was hungry for peaches, so I went to the grocery store,

The store didn't have any peaches, because they were needed for war,

I did not know what that meant,

I gave the manager, my vent,

My big vent made me very tired, so I went home for a snore.

CHRISTMAS CANDY 2024

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year,

Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?  

When I went to buy some more,

I found the prices, did soar,

I tried an old candy cane; they're still good to stir beer.

THEY DON'T HATCH OUT ALL GROWNUP

I inherited a dinosaur egg; it was really old,

The old egg has been in my family, since a time untold,

Yesterday, a saur popped out,

The kids and spouse all gave a shout,

They named the dino Spanky, because he acted two years old.

A PENNY SAVED IS A WASTE OF TIME

I gathered my pennies; took them to the bank, and they weren't worth a thing,

The bank stoped exchanging currency for pennies, sometime, late last spring,

With a million pennies, I am stuck,

I am completely out of good luck,

Too bad the copper pennies weren't made of gold, I'd melt them into bling.

ODE TO THE PENNY AND THE STARFISH

The last penny I own, I threw into the sea,

To sink to the starfish, to keep its company,

The dollar is the new penny,

I do not have very many,

Inflation is so bad, it stinks to be a me.

I SHOWED UNCLE JOE, THE DOE I GOT WITH MY BOW

I went to the cemetery to visit Uncle Joe,

His tiny headstone was all covered with new fallen snow,

Both of my hands were gloved,

One gave the snow a shove,

I showed Joe a pic of my big deer, no points, its a doe.

MONKEY BRAIN INSANE.

There was a brain eating monkey that entered my ear,

The monkey is small, but he's eating my brains, I fear

My big eyeballs twitch and twirl,

Makes my stomach want to hurl,

Maybe a cure for Monkey Brain, will come yet this year.

IF YOUR LIFE STINKS, BLAME THE GNOMES

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year,

No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer,

Wow, our dinner menu is to please,

It's macaroni and yellow cheese,

My present is a stick, that garden gnomes will soon fear.

I EYEBALL VOLLEYBALL

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea,

The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to me,

I hopped upon his sea saddle,

He swam, I didn't have to paddle,

He swam me to a team finals volleyball beach; seems they needed a referee.

BIG BUCK, SON OF THE DEER HUNTER

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer,

I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear,

A hunter shot me,

And, food I did be,

Now, I'm the Hunter's son, and deer season is near.

THE RESTRICTED PENNY

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street,

People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat,

I give them a big, giant grin,

Tell them, I'm spending it on sin,

Watching their persnickety reactions, is one joyful, great treat.

I REPURPOSED THE MICE IN MY HOUSE

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury,

I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always in a hurry,

So, I caught the mice with a quickie,

Rodent traps with a side that's sticky,

I cleaned out the bones and guts, then took the furs to a coat maker, named Murray.  .

ATTACK OF THE SNOUT FLIES

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out,

They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about,

I whacked them with the fly swatter,

When they pooped in my tea potter,

Several big flies attacked me, by flying up my snout.

LITTLE BOX HOME LIVING

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent,

So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent,

But, I found a nice box downtown,

Into that, I will settle down,

I'll build a fire inside, after I punch out a vent.

THE MACAROON MOON

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon,

I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon,

I found one that was pretty,

The moon was itty bitty,

My family all moved there, and baked two types of macaroon.

I STAND STRAIGHT UP, BUT DIZZY

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill,

Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill,

I go hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe,

Then my potatoes grow,

Sometimes I get dizzy, until I take my heart pill.

FACE VS THE MAPLE TREE

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree,

I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history,

In the hospital bed, I bled,

From the gaping holes in my head,

I hope that I heal fast, so back to biking I will be.

MY CHICKEN AND THE TWO LITTLE EGGS

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham,

The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam,

They had cereal with sugar,

The youngest one, picked a booger,

I ate the eggs and ham, with toast dripping with blackberry jam.

SOME CALL HIM A THIEF, I CALL HIM A WITCH

Bling, Bong, I do fear, the real wicked witch is named, Ned,

He got his powers from his big, bad daddy called, Fred,

Ned will steal frozen meats,

From markets that sell eats,

Ned squats in people's homes, sleeping in the softest bed..

IN NATURE, SIZE MATTERS

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told,

It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold,

Cold hurts the face, and ears, and icy little paws,

It favors those with talons, teeth and sharpened claws,

I'm a bear napping in my cave, and on that life I'm sold.

I'M AN EGGHEAD WHO SCOOPS POOP FOR A LIVING

When I was admired as a scholar,

I never made one single whole dollar,

My mind was prepared,

Yet, nobody cared,

I'm paid to walk dogs leashed to a collar.

I TENT AND HAVE NEVER CAVED

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave,

That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave,

But, no cave have I been,

I do tent, now and then,

Ben said I should use the brain cells, that nature had gave.

PEAR PREJUDICE

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week,

So, it was off to the store, to pear seek,

Well, seekers beware,

There were no pears there,

I heard one clerk say, "another pear freak".

SAFE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING WITH MA AND BERT

I build myself a small, livable yurt,

Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt,

My yurt blows far away,

It sinks out in the bay,

I move home with mom, and stepdad named, Bert.

SLEEPY ROGER AND THE RAT

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat,

That is the composition of my dumb cat,

His name is Old Sleepy Roger,

He's an activity dodger,

The last time he moved, he was bit by a rat.

His last move was when he was bit by a rat.

I USE TO VISIT SIDNEY, AT THE DOLLAR STORE IN MICHIGAN-MID

I use to go to a dollar store, when I was a little kid,

I had a much older brother who worked there, he was named, Sid,

Sid was married to Raydean,

They had kids, Bill and Maureen,

They all lived in a  tent in a park, and that is what they did.

I HAVE NO JOB, SO I'LL SQUAT

Because the airlines operate on a massive delay,

I missed a meeting and got a big reduction in pay,

In fact, I was  fired,

That wasn't desired,

With no paycheck for rent; I'll find a nice squat, where I'll stay.

MOTH MAN VAMPIRES BITE

I always felt the biggest danger from the moths,12

Was their desire to consume many of my cloths,12

It seems moths have blood desires,8

Months are ravenous vampires,8

We will now provide moths with foamy, red, blood broths.

THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY DINNER AND PUKE

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho!

Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel woe, woe, woe!

The Thanksgiving belly ache,

When we vomit pie and cake,

Ma's turkey is always so darn raw, but she says, we should chew real slow, slow, slow!

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING BRAINLESS

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain,

Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane,

My brain cells died one by one,

Because I stared at the sun,

But, without many brain cells, I feel no guilt, no hate, no pain.

CAREER DEATH OF A FOOD BLOGGER

There was a constant blogger, who blogged about preparing his every meal,

He thought if he blogged his meal details, he'd receive lots of click-bait appeal,

That blogger wasn't bright,

But he was very right,

His Meal Blog made him popular, until the day he cooked that baby seal.

THE JAZZ BAND

I rocked out with tones on my electric guitar,

In a jazz band that played at a hillbilly bar,

We had a great base,

His solos were ace,

Our drummer was so poor, he lived under my car.

WITH TONE AND CONE, I WON FIRST BONE

I auditioned for the local orchestra, to play 1st chair trombone,

I played a song called "Om Papa", with my bone muted by a mute cone,

It took a little while, 

For my " Om Papa" style,

To captivate the judges, with my interpretation, style and tone.

AFTER LOSING MY ELECTION, I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE

I lost the house election, now I must leave my home to go sleep,

I was accused of teasing the new dog; I got labeled, a creep,

The 5 kids named me, Daniel

I am a Cocker Spaniel,

All of the kids voted me out to the doghouse, where I will weep.

TEETH BITE, BUT A WREATH SUCKS

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth,

The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith,

Gramps had a date dinner,

With a rich widow winner,

But, instead of flowers, he gave her a vine, heart shaped wreath.

NO JOB = NO HOME = GROCERY CART LIFE

This sad morning, my old rusty, purple pickup would not start,

My vehicle turned over once, then the engine blew apart,

I was so late for my job,

Was fired by my boss, Bob,

Real soon, I'll be pushing a reliable grocery cart.

I AM BOSS CHEF

I made me some spaghetti and dumped in a can of sauce,

Into this mixture, my special meatballs, I gave a toss,

It tasted so good,

The best in my hood,

My brilliant cooking, shows that in the kitchen, I am boss.

PLYWOOD IN SPACE

I built a giant spaceship in outer space, all out of plywood,

It traveled between planets just ace, but the reentry was no good,

So, my investment of sweat and cash,

All turned into a flame and then ash,

I have understood, my nauts and I fell on my old neighborhood.

GRANDMA'S GOOD GRUB

Trina had a hunger urge, so she went to Lucky Street,

Trina wanted to buy some sweet candy, and dead, red meat,

The candy was old and stale,

The only meat, a pig tail,

So, Trina went on to Grandma's, who had good grub to eat.

CHAOS AND THE JUDGE

I tried to create some chaos, because that's the popular thing to do,

I went to a pharmacy lab, and released the rats, and the monkeys too,

I did not make it too far,

Ended up in a cop car,

My mean judge, had a chaos grudge; I got 20 years, now my crimes, I rue.

THE TATTOO

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue,

I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo,

Its in the middle of my forehead,

And, I gave it a human name, Fred,

I showed the kids, and they started laughing, I cried, boohoo.

I CRUNCH PASTA

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch,

I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch,

I use to have a few more teeth,

Until that fight with cousin Keith,

All I have left are a few back teeth, because Keith knows how to punch.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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FAILED GARDENER, FAMILY REJECT

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead,

Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head,

Where did the spring and summer go?

Did something change in my time flow?

I fear my family will leave me; I've no food to keep them fed.

NO JOB, NO FOOD, BUT I CAN NAP

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued,

I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food,

There was no food today,

I walked down to the bay,

I took a long nap to get me into a more positive mood.

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

42822

I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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MY HOLIDAY ECONOMIC COLLASPE

I cannot afford Halloween candy,

I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy,

Thanksgiving?  I won't eat,

Can't afford bread or meat,

My economy, it's sure a dandy.

MY TOOTHBRUSH JUST BECAME SELF-AWARE

I guess my toothbrush has just become self-aware,

An electric shock gave me a cardiac scare,

I reached for the plug,

Gave the chord a tug,

When I use my shaver, I'm going to beware.

TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

102322 

I CHANGED NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER HALLOWEEN

I went out trick-or-treating, to the big homes of the rich in my hood,

I figured that because they were rich, they would give me something real good,

But, their doors all stayed closed,

The police came, I was hosed,

I was called a thief, got 6-7 years; my intent was misunderstood.