COFFEE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee,

All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, free,

We were town proud, and full of joy,

We gave off airs of townie coy,

Coffee prices blew up; the diner closed; through the window, the ends I see.

GIRLFRIEND, NIGHTMARE AND THE GARGOYLE FELLA

I was having a nightmare about this gargoyle, fella,

He was flirting with my new girlfriend, her name was Bella,

I ordered him to go away,

Then, he bit my arms off, touche,

So, I got a different, new girlfriend, her name was Stella.

MEAT AFFORDABILITY.

I went to buy some fresh, lean beef, but the price was just too high,

I went to buy some deli ham, but the pig price made me cry.

I wanted to buy some fresh fish,

The high price belated my wish,

I tried to buy some turkey, but my credit card said "DENY".  

SWAG BAG AND POLICE DRAG

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag,

The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely rich, and "swag",

But, the free stuff was so cheap, cheap,

The shoppers dumped it in a heap,

And, substituted electronic stuff, then riot cops did a cuff and drag.

I CAUSED THE GREAT TINKER TIRE FIRE OF 1988

I love to tinker with a stove pot, or a fry pan,

I patch up their big and small holes, as best as I can,

I tinkered a tire,

But, it caught on fire,

Now, on tinkering tires, there's a government ban.

THE SEARCH FOR THE FOREST THROUGH THE TREES

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found,

All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more trees, and lumpy, squishy ground,

I did lose my way,

Was lost for a day,

Next time I look for the forest through the trees, I'll bring along my hunting hound.

I RIDE THE WILD BEAR

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear,

Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair,

I rode the bear to mum's,

Stoped at a store for gums,

I rode the bear at a steady trot, so mums neighbors, he wouldn't scare.

BLOWING SNOW, AND KIN IN THE TIN

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in,

It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was made of tin,

We got more wind blow,

And, in blew more snow

The family is not doing  bad, but we're still missing a couple of kin.

THE BLOWER WITH THE CLOGGED CHUTE

The chute on my brand new snowblower was not shooting any snow,

That was in spite of my snowblower having a good grinding blow,

Ice was caught in the chute,

And, with a kick of my boot,

The chunk of ice cleared the blower, and crashed the car windshield, oh, woe.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS", FROM SANTA CLAUS

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job,

He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,

I had to clean out the reindeer stalls,

Much poop on the floor, more on the walls,

When I finished I asked Santa for food; he said, "eat the poop", oh, sob!

TOILET THRUSTING FOR BLING

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring,

It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything,

Granted, the ring was way too small,

Should have bought for a big and tall,

I might have to buy a cheap replacement; I can't afford more nice bling.

I RIDE BEAR

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear,

I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square,

At the store, while I was inside,

A guy tried stealing my ride,

The bear ate the guys body, methinks that was just, fair.

I ONLY HAVE THREE FINGERS

You know, I only have three fingers; I only have three toes,

I come from the distant, planet Mars, and that's just how it goes,

We are born, just a small stone,

Then we branch out into bone,

We phase into a rough, tough, hard bod, that's how we beat our foes.

SANTA AND THE FRIED FROG LEG CHRISTMAS

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog, 

The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog,

Some people always scoff,

To take a frog leg off,

Mrs. Claus cuts off the frog legs, then throws the bodies to the dog.

FOOD WOULD TASTE BETTER IF I MADE MORE MONEY

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale,

After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail,

The poor food choices I take,

Based on the wages, I make,

If rich; I'd settle my belly with a pint of ale.

CALL OF THE WEREWOLF

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes,

The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken werewolf souls,

The woods went darker, the sky grew bright,

A full moon lantern was the only light,

I started my venture into the night, hunting victims, to play out their roles.

THE WIFE AND KIDS CAN EAT BUGS, I'M OUT OF HERE (BAD DADDY)

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand,

They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch within their hand,

I cannot take this anymore,

Having a family that's poor,

I'm going to quietly get in the car, and drive off to the promised land.

I'M LEARNING AN ADVANCED SKILL, SO I CAN MAKE THE BIG BUCKS

There is a much better job in my sight,

I just have to learn how to read and write,

I just learned my ABCs,

Next, I'll learn my DEFGs,

I take my time; wife says I'm just not bright.

VICTORIAN BLED

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled",

In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead,

The blood spirits had evil desires,

So, the blood was let out into fires,

The movie was really gory and stupid; that is enough, said.

MAMMA DID CRY, THEN BUBBA WENT BYE (HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2025)🦃 🍕

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie,

Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my mama cry,

I would really like to say,

It was the happiest day,

But, Uncle Bubba had a big, hissy fit, so we threw him outside and said goodbye.

THE SPECIAL NOODLE CHEF, MAKES HIS NOODLES ROAR!!!

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store,

I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more,

They must be drained, slightly under done,

Overcook them, and they are no darn fun,

I drench my noodles with bacon grease, and paprika makes them roar!!!

THE BRAIN, YURT, RAIN LIMERICK

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain,

I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein,

It just hurt and it just hurt,

I took a nap in my yurt,

My yurt blew away, and down came snow, ice and rain.

ANYBODY HEARD ABOUT THE SHELL FISH LAW?

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat,

I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat,

Surprised, I got a hale of stones,

Breaking both blood vessels and bones,

Finally, it stopped when my heart wouldn't beat, beat.

ONE HOLIDAY (TURKEY AND HAM, THEN WE ALL SCRAM)

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day,

We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play,

Most like to go ski,

But, that's not for me,

I like riding on my Ski-Doo, unless a tree's in the way.

I MOUTHED OFF AT A SANDWICH AND POP SHOP

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop,

It was gonna be just a one place, one stop,

The bathrooms, they stunk,

Like a roadkill skunk,

I complained to the owner, he called a cop.

JAIL FOOD, YUCK! BAR FOOD, YUMMY!

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail,

Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail,

Yesterday, it was potatoes,

Today it was red tomatoes,

I'll now park on a barstool, and consume only ale.  

BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.but

OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER COMES FROM THE ECONOMIC BOOM!!!

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee,

There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the leg, for me,

We did carve a withered, Halloween gourd,

Split two potatoes, that I could afford

We were all thankful for the economic boom, that somehow, no one can see.

KID WILL VENT WHEN NO PRESENTS SENT

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14

Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14

Why were there all those empty shelves?

Tariffs were placed on Santa's elves,

With kids wanting toys, and Christmas morning they'll be venty.14

I SHOP DISCRETELY FOR DISCOUNTS, AND MAINTAIN MY RANK IN SOCIAL CLASS

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store,

I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!",

I bought some fake toenails, 

A box of colored face veils, 

I was quick to go checkout, so people wouldn't think me, poor.

CHRISTMAS PAST, REMEMBERED BY A MAN

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long,

I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong,

I would've lounged around with the old wife,

But she was always busy with a sharp knife,

It's  Christmas in '79, when the world was not quite, so wrong.

REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

BIG SPLAT AND THE COYOTE

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess,

I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress,

I made an enormous, gross splat,

Like when my windshield hit that bat,

Will someone find me before the coyote?  Take a guess.

THE HEADLESS NIGHT TERROR

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red,

He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head,

I said, "please, Mr. Ghost, go away,

I just cannot take this, today,"

The ghost lifted his ax; a voice filled the room, "I'm taking your head, hooray!"

COMPARISON TEA

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair,

Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear,

Chamomile is social,

Lemon tea, emotional,

I think I'll stick with green tea; the color I died my hair.

TOILET FLOWERS

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers,
They grew well after all the rain showers,
They were such a bouquet,
I just let them stay,

My toilet is artwork that towers.

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HOW TO BUY LOTS OF CHRISTMAS CANDY, CHEAP!

I shop for my Christmas candy, when I go to rummage and yard sales,

I only buy the real quality stuff, not sucked on by bugs or snails.

I do not worry about germs,

And, ignore the tiny worms,

Candy is so high in stores, but for less than a dollar, I buy pails.

BFB AND DROOL

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school,

The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool,

First, Drool did his bad thing,

He drooled on my left wing,

Then BFB busted my right wing; methinks my casts were cool.

DEER CAMP 2022

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls,

And, Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles,

And, Frederick The Peasant,

Thought he got a pheasant

But it was a skunk; not one of our goals.

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OH THE TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE, WHEN JUICY FLIES WE COULD RETRIEVE

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed,

He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed,

Greedy for the big, fat, flies,

Ones with eyeballs, full of eyes,

Sneed would suck out the juice from the flies; I couldn't watch the deed.

ON FRIDAY, ROTTEN FISH FILLS THE MORGUE

I went to a fast food place, for a fish between buns with a pop and fries,

I hung out there on Fridays to be with the local gals and local guys,

But, the fish had a awkward smell,

The stinky, should've been a tell,

We we're ghosted that day, seems when you eat stinky fish, everyone dies.

TOILET DOWN

My neighbor sat on my bathroom toilet, and the toilet fell through the floor,

My neighbor is threatening a lawsuit, for a million dollars, or more,

My neighbor weighs near 400 lbs,

He sinks when he walks on any grounds,

My attorney said settle, sell my house, and accept being lawsuit poor.

SETTING JIMMY FREE

Jimmy the itty, bitty lizard is so sad, you see,

He lives alone in my restored, antique cabinetry,

He eats spiders and fruit flies,

Turns them into white, poop pies

I should take Jimmy outside, and toss him into a tree.

SHACKING UP FOR THE WINTER, OR FAMILY TIES IN THE RURALS

I bought a shack down in the holler,

I moved in and spread out my squalor,

I decided to let in,

The rest of my kith and kin,

Some cousins must wear a dog collar.

BAD ROBOT AND THE BANANAS

A robot stole my packed, full grocery cart; it was full of bananas,

I was taking them to the nursing home, to feed the grandpas and nanas,

For the bananas, I had paid,

Cannot buy more, without some aid,

You just cannot go anywhere; robots have all turned into piranhas.

CAT VILLAIN

My grey cat is a villain, a villain is he,

He shredded my curtains, and dropped pee in my tea,

Teasing my pretty koi, 

Brings my cat villain joy,

I wouldn't keep the cat, but for my kid, Little Lee.

SCHOOL SALISBURY STEAK OR STARVE

I went to the grocery store to buy just one pound of ground beef,

I looked at all the high beef prices, and said, "oh, good greedy grief",

I couldn't afford any meat,

I bought bananas to eat,

I told the kids to rely on school lunches, and eat, eat, eat, eat.

FLYING MONKEY, HAIR THIEF

Along came a big flying monkey, and he flew off with my toupee,

I'll never see that fake hair again, because the monk flew far away,

My new hairline I fear,

Sits just north of my ear,

Oh, those big, bad, nasty, flying monkeys; may they find much woe, one day.

I EAT NO PEACHES

I was hungry for peaches, so I went to the grocery store,

The store didn't have any peaches, because they were needed for war,

I did not know what that meant,

I gave the manager, my vent,

My big vent made me very tired, so I went home for a snore.

CHRISTMAS CANDY 2024

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year,

Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?  

When I went to buy some more,

I found the prices, did soar,

I tried an old candy cane; they're still good to stir beer.

THEY DON'T HATCH OUT ALL GROWNUP

I inherited a dinosaur egg; it was really old,

The old egg has been in my family, since a time untold,

Yesterday, a saur popped out,

The kids and spouse all gave a shout,

They named the dino Spanky, because he acted two years old.

A PENNY SAVED IS A WASTE OF TIME

I gathered my pennies; took them to the bank, and they weren't worth a thing,

The bank stoped exchanging currency for pennies, sometime, late last spring,

With a million pennies, I am stuck,

I am completely out of good luck,

Too bad the copper pennies weren't made of gold, I'd melt them into bling.

ODE TO THE PENNY AND THE STARFISH

The last penny I own, I threw into the sea,

To sink to the starfish, to keep its company,

The dollar is the new penny,

I do not have very many,

Inflation is so bad, it stinks to be a me.

I SHOWED UNCLE JOE, THE DOE I GOT WITH MY BOW

I went to the cemetery to visit Uncle Joe,

His tiny headstone was all covered with new fallen snow,

Both of my hands were gloved,

One gave the snow a shove,

I showed Joe a pic of my big deer, no points, its a doe.

MONKEY BRAIN INSANE.

There was a brain eating monkey that entered my ear,

The monkey is small, but he's eating my brains, I fear

My big eyeballs twitch and twirl,

Makes my stomach want to hurl,

Maybe a cure for Monkey Brain, will come yet this year.

IF YOUR LIFE STINKS, BLAME THE GNOMES

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year,

No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer,

Wow, our dinner menu is to please,

It's macaroni and yellow cheese,

My present is a stick, that garden gnomes will soon fear.

I EYEBALL VOLLEYBALL

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea,

The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to me,

I hopped upon his sea saddle,

He swam, I didn't have to paddle,

He swam me to a team finals volleyball beach; seems they needed a referee.

BIG BUCK, SON OF THE DEER HUNTER

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer,

I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear,

A hunter shot me,

And, food I did be,

Now, I'm the Hunter's son, and deer season is near.

THE RESTRICTED PENNY

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street,

People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat,

I give them a big, giant grin,

Tell them, I'm spending it on sin,

Watching their persnickety reactions, is one joyful, great treat.

I REPURPOSED THE MICE IN MY HOUSE

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury,

I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always in a hurry,

So, I caught the mice with a quickie,

Rodent traps with a side that's sticky,

I cleaned out the bones and guts, then took the furs to a coat maker, named Murray.  .

ATTACK OF THE SNOUT FLIES

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out,

They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about,

I whacked them with the fly swatter,

When they pooped in my tea potter,

Several big flies attacked me, by flying up my snout.

LITTLE BOX HOME LIVING

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent,

So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent,

But, I found a nice box downtown,

Into that, I will settle down,

I'll build a fire inside, after I punch out a vent.

THE MACAROON MOON

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon,

I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon,

I found one that was pretty,

The moon was itty bitty,

My family all moved there, and baked two types of macaroon.

I STAND STRAIGHT UP, BUT DIZZY

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill,

Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill,

I go hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe,

Then my potatoes grow,

Sometimes I get dizzy, until I take my heart pill.

FACE VS THE MAPLE TREE

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree,

I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history,

In the hospital bed, I bled,

From the gaping holes in my head,

I hope that I heal fast, so back to biking I will be.

MY CHICKEN AND THE TWO LITTLE EGGS

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham,

The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam,

They had cereal with sugar,

The youngest one, picked a booger,

I ate the eggs and ham, with toast dripping with blackberry jam.

IN NATURE, SIZE MATTERS

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told,

It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold,

Cold hurts the face, and ears, and icy little paws,

It favors those with talons, teeth and sharpened claws,

I'm a bear napping in my cave, and on that life I'm sold.

I'M AN EGGHEAD WHO SCOOPS POOP FOR A LIVING

When I was admired as a scholar,

I never made one single whole dollar,

My mind was prepared,

Yet, nobody cared,

I'm paid to walk dogs leashed to a collar.

I TENT AND HAVE NEVER CAVED

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave,

That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave,

But, no cave have I been,

I do tent, now and then,

Ben said I should use the brain cells, that nature had gave.

PEAR PREJUDICE

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week,

So, it was off to the store, to pear seek,

Well, seekers beware,

There were no pears there,

I heard one clerk say, "another pear freak".

SAFE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING WITH MA AND BERT

I build myself a small, livable yurt,

Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt,

My yurt blows far away,

It sinks out in the bay,

I move home with mom, and stepdad named, Bert.

SLEEPY ROGER AND THE RAT

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat,

That is the composition of my dumb cat,

His name is Old Sleepy Roger,

He's an activity dodger,

The last time he moved, he was bit by a rat.

His last move was when he was bit by a rat.

I USE TO VISIT SIDNEY, AT THE DOLLAR STORE IN MICHIGAN-MID

I use to go to a dollar store, when I was a little kid,

I had a much older brother who worked there, he was named, Sid,

Sid was married to Raydean,

They had kids, Bill and Maureen,

They all lived in a  tent in a park, and that is what they did.

I HAVE NO JOB, SO I'LL SQUAT

Because the airlines operate on a massive delay,

I missed a meeting and got a big reduction in pay,

In fact, I was  fired,

That wasn't desired,

With no paycheck for rent; I'll find a nice squat, where I'll stay.

MOTH MAN VAMPIRES BITE

I always felt the biggest danger from the moths,12

Was their desire to consume many of my cloths,12

It seems moths have blood desires,8

Months are ravenous vampires,8

We will now provide moths with foamy, red, blood broths.

THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY DINNER AND PUKE

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho!

Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel woe, woe, woe!

The Thanksgiving belly ache,

When we vomit pie and cake,

Ma's turkey is always so darn raw, but she says, we should chew real slow, slow, slow!

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING BRAINLESS

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain,

Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane,

My brain cells died one by one,

Because I stared at the sun,

But, without many brain cells, I feel no guilt, no hate, no pain.

CAREER DEATH OF A FOOD BLOGGER

There was a constant blogger, who blogged about preparing his every meal,

He thought if he blogged his meal details, he'd receive lots of click-bait appeal,

That blogger wasn't bright,

But he was very right,

His Meal Blog made him popular, until the day he cooked that baby seal.

THE JAZZ BAND

I rocked out with tones on my electric guitar,

In a jazz band that played at a hillbilly bar,

We had a great base,

His solos were ace,

Our drummer was so poor, he lived under my car.

WITH TONE AND CONE, I WON FIRST BONE

I auditioned for the local orchestra, to play 1st chair trombone,

I played a song called "Om Papa", with my bone muted by a mute cone,

It took a little while, 

For my " Om Papa" style,

To captivate the judges, with my interpretation, style and tone.

AFTER LOSING MY ELECTION, I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE

I lost the house election, now I must leave my home to go sleep,

I was accused of teasing the new dog; I got labeled, a creep,

The 5 kids named me, Daniel

I am a Cocker Spaniel,

All of the kids voted me out to the doghouse, where I will weep.

TEETH BITE, BUT A WREATH SUCKS

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth,

The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith,

Gramps had a date dinner,

With a rich widow winner,

But, instead of flowers, he gave her a vine, heart shaped wreath.

NO JOB = NO HOME = GROCERY CART LIFE

This sad morning, my old rusty, purple pickup would not start,

My vehicle turned over once, then the engine blew apart,

I was so late for my job,

Was fired by my boss, Bob,

Real soon, I'll be pushing a reliable grocery cart.

I AM BOSS CHEF

I made me some spaghetti and dumped in a can of sauce,

Into this mixture, my special meatballs, I gave a toss,

It tasted so good,

The best in my hood,

My brilliant cooking, shows that in the kitchen, I am boss.

PLYWOOD IN SPACE

I built a giant spaceship in outer space, all out of plywood,

It traveled between planets just ace, but the reentry was no good,

So, my investment of sweat and cash,

All turned into a flame and then ash,

I have understood, my nauts and I fell on my old neighborhood.

GRANDMA'S GOOD GRUB

Trina had a hunger urge, so she went to Lucky Street,

Trina wanted to buy some sweet candy, and dead, red meat,

The candy was old and stale,

The only meat, a pig tail,

So, Trina went on to Grandma's, who had good grub to eat.

CHAOS AND THE JUDGE

I tried to create some chaos, because that's the popular thing to do,

I went to a pharmacy lab, and released the rats, and the monkeys too,

I did not make it too far,

Ended up in a cop car,

My mean judge, had a chaos grudge; I got 20 years, now my crimes, I rue.

THE TATTOO

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue,

I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo,

Its in the middle of my forehead,

And, I gave it a human name, Fred,

I showed the kids, and they started laughing, I cried, boohoo.

I CRUNCH PASTA

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch,

I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch,

I use to have a few more teeth,

Until that fight with cousin Keith,

All I have left are a few back teeth, because Keith knows how to punch.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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FAILED GARDENER, FAMILY REJECT

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead,

Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head,

Where did the spring and summer go?

Did something change in my time flow?

I fear my family will leave me; I've no food to keep them fed.

NO JOB, NO FOOD, BUT I CAN NAP

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued,

I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food,

There was no food today,

I walked down to the bay,

I took a long nap to get me into a more positive mood.

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

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I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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MY HOLIDAY ECONOMIC COLLASPE

I cannot afford Halloween candy,

I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy,

Thanksgiving?  I won't eat,

Can't afford bread or meat,

My economy, it's sure a dandy.

MY TOOTHBRUSH JUST BECAME SELF-AWARE

I guess my toothbrush has just become self-aware,

An electric shock gave me a cardiac scare,

I reached for the plug,

Gave the chord a tug,

When I use my shaver, I'm going to beware.

TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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I CHANGED NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER HALLOWEEN

I went out trick-or-treating, to the big homes of the rich in my hood,

I figured that because they were rich, they would give me something real good,

But, their doors all stayed closed,

The police came, I was hosed,

I was called a thief, got 6-7 years; my intent was misunderstood.

HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

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MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

I had a little spaceship,

But, It did not travel far,

It launched sideways thirty feet,

And, was run over by a car,

My space travels were never great,

I never made it to distant stars,

My trek across this universe,

Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

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THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores, ice cream bars.

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RED ROOSTER RIDING WITH SPIKE

There was a nice, young lady, who rode a red bike,

She had a pretty red rooster; she called him Spike,

Spike rode the bike handlebars, 

While crowing at reddish cars,

Spike never saw a red car that he didn't dislike.

LICK THE CHALKBOARD NICE AND CLEAN

People have no meat and people have no gruel,

Kids lick chalk off the blackboard, for lunch at school,

This is a real poor town,

Unless, you wear the crown,

You live in a mansion with an indoor pool.

I DRANK CHAMOMILE TEA AND GOT A BELLY ACHE

I was fluttering around like a dizzy, busy bee,

Then I fell into a glass cup of hot chamomile tea,

I started to cook and drown,

But, as I was sinking down,

Two fingers pinched and pulled me out, then squished the guts from me.

THE FATHER OF ALL PUMPKINS

The Father of All Pumpkins

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

The father of all pumpkins came into my store,

And said my pumpkin selection was awfully poor,

He said he didn't want to be mean,

But it was Halloween,

And the little witches and goblins want more.

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SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

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INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

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THE TURTLE AND MY ORAL HYGIENE

I have a pet snapping turtle, named Miss Jeanie Cross,

If I don't feed her enough potatoes, Jean goes boss,

She bosses me out the door,

Jean bosses me in the store,

Jean goes ballistic on me, when I brush and don't floss.

A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING

Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,

It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,

Donny didn't get bites that day,

He paddled down to the bay,

He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.

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MELVIN MARTIN: THE PIG THONG SONG

Every single First of May,
It's Melvin Martins Day,
Melvin Martin was a pig,
That pulled Santa in his sleigh.

Melvin Martin was a silly song,
It was sang on May 1st all day long,
Martin was a silly pig,
He ate too much and got too big,
So, he burst apart his tiny thong.

If you think of Melvin Martin in a thong,
Such thoughts will bother you just all day long,
He only wore such a thing to play ping pong,
Melvin Martin in a thong is really wrong.

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WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal, then they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

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BAD ALPHA MONKEY

I have a pet alpha monkey, and he ate all my bread,

He ate all my food proteins too, so soon I will be dead,

Alpha monkey can almost fly, 

Chasing tree squirrels, in the sky,

I hope alpha boa swallows old, alpha monkey's head.

IT STORMED ALL DAY

It rained and stormed all day, 
The kids couldn't get out and play, 
They tore up the house,
 Drove off my spouse,
 Now all alone with the monsters I stay.

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MY SOLAR LAMP AND THE GRIZZLY BEAR, LIMERICK

I dropped my solar lamp into the lake, while forest camping, 

Now I fear the inner wires will need major revamping,

In the dark tent, my body, I lay,

Hoping for a quick, sun rising day,

Because I fear a grizzly bear, is outside my tent, stamping.

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THE GINGERBREAD AQUARIUM

Ron built an aquarium out of gingerbread,
It didn't hold water and his fish are all dead,
It may not be too soon,
To say Ron's mind's out of tune,
Ron thought the bread would keep his little fish fed.

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DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

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HALLOWEEN HAIKU

Tricks, treats, nature change,

Candy, costumes, leaf bare trees,

Party, summer's wake.

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OBVIOUS CHOICE: CANDY BARS OR ELECTRIC CARS

I'm shooting a world killing missile to Mars,

To blast it into one trillion, sweet candy bars,

With tasty bars to eat,

I'll quit overpriced meat,

I may make the guy mad, who sells battery cars.

I'VE BEEN BANISHED FROM SOCIAL MEDIA, WHO CARES

I was banned from Twitter for saying fake stuff,

Like the moon is pudding and Mars is just made of fluff,

So, for such political wars,

My enemies have evened scores,

So, I'll go on to live on the rough.

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