TOGETHER, WE DO THE NEW YEAR

You know, all of my friends are make believe,

We're getting together, on New Year's Eve,

We'll all walk to the pub,

Drink a beer; eat a sub,

Head home, and wait for this year, to leave.😀😭

THE STORY OF AI CHARLIE

I'm not well educated, because I only went to school one year,

Somewhere between 1st grade and kindergarten, my learning took a veer,

Yet, my brain still grows,

Watching old game shows,

My ever growing intelligence, is something all should rightly fear.

HILL FIRE AND THE PILGRIMS

I'm a big, old fire-breathing dragon, who lives up on the hill,

I scare those pesky pilgrims, who sneak up upon me, for their thrill,

I breath fire upon their britches,

They go screaming for full ditches,

Pilgrims are just darn lucky, I don't barbeque them, like a grill.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

THE HOMELESS OPTIMIST

I found two big cardboard boxes, and built a brand new home,

I'll no longer remain on the streets, and endlessly roam,

I felt an incredible high,

When I found some crust from a pie,

I could build me a bed, if I found some rags and some foam.

MY MILITARY CAREER ENDED, BECAUSE OF IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES.

I told my Sarge, I couldn't run another mile,

I told him that running was just not my style,

Well, oh darn, and oh shoot,

The army gave me the boot,

After they made me sit in jail for awhile. 

RETAIL THEFT IN AMERICA: IN MY DRAWERS

I went into my life's work, and began working,

I live retail, so my life is checkout clerking,

Customer #4,

I threw out the store door,

Because in my cash drawer, I caught her lurking.  

I ATE HIM FOR DINNER

I use to do cartwheels, when I was a kid,

I once did them on ice, and down the hill slid,

I slid into the road,

Found a fresh, frozen toad,

I ate him for dinner, I did.

I ASKED FOR A VACATION, AND WAS TOLD WHERE TO GO

I told my boss, I was living in a simulation,

To heal and get real, I needed a nice long vacation,

He gave neither a laugh, nor smile,

Told me, out his door, I should file,

I shuffled back to my little, cubicle workstation. 

GRANDPA WAS A VICTIM OF CRYPTO-CURRENCY

I bought crypto-currency, and I got a surprise,

I had laser beams, flying out of my beady eyes,

I eye laser some nice pork,

Drank red wine that had a cork,

Then I looked at my grandpa, and that was his demise.

FLIP, FLOP AND POP

I had 12 cans of ginger beer pop,

I was drinking ginger beer, non-stop,

I passed out in my sleigh,

They found me next day,

My ulcer gave my heart a flip flop.

I WENT FROM WRITING TO BIRDING

The auto grammar fixes, and spelling checkers of sentences and words,

Make my writings completely abysmal, for the fixes come out as turds,

The  turd changes make me cry,

I no longer wish to try,

So I bought some new binoculars; I thought I'd be a watcher of birds.

FINANCES GOT UGLY, SO I MOVED IN WITH MY HALF BRO

I went gaming online, and lost a bundle of cash,

I moved in with my brother, and he's what you'd call, trash,

I sold my yacht, car and boat,

My home, jewels and fur coat,

And, a sticky dump with dirt floors, is now where I crash.

PAINT THE WEASEL AND DIE

I went out to Little Twin Lake, to find me a sabre tooth weasel.

I wanted to paint his picture on a canvass, held by an easel.

Found the weasel, and he got uptight,

Gave me a sabre tooth weasel bite,

I crawled to the road; stoped a semi-truck, which ran on stinky diesel.

MY EARS GOT A BATH IN THE BAY

I once had two large facial organs, some call ears,

I lost them fishing out on the crowded, bay piers,

For an entire day,

Fish hooks flew round my way,

I felt nothing, because I was full of malt beers.

I'M A BIG SHOT, WITH A SUIT AND SHOWER CURTAIN

I went to Canada to buy a green curtain, for my bathroom shower,

A Canadian shower curtain, shows I have a real super power,

For I fill a great need,

I sell suits that are tweed,

My tweed stores are gaining market share, every minute, every hour.

THE CAT WHO WOULD SLEEP ON HIS STINK

My silly pussy cat was really poky and slow,

It took him 8 hours to find his litter box and go,

Then he would fall asleep,

On his litter box heap,

Then I'd make him go outdoors, and roll around in the snow.

I COULD NOT GIVE UP WITCHCRAFT

I'm a reformed, great powers witch, but a back slider,

Because I turned a fly into a big, black spider,

The evil deed was all done,

My witch habit had re-begun,

I made the spider big, now I'm a spider rider.

OH WOE, MY RIZZ IS BAD

I am told I have extremely "bad rizz",

My personality, has done a fizz,

How does rizz grow?

If it grow, will I know?

I want my popularity to sizz.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.

DON'T DRINK YOUR BUBBLE BATH

I drank some bubble bath, and it did not taste like wine,

It made me so sick, I felt too ill to dinner dine,

Pa gave me a corporal spanking,

I lost my allowance, for banking,

Now I know what not to drink, because pa drew the line.

VORTEX-COLD

I got polar vortexed, and it really didn't feel, very good,

I used all my tanked propane, and burned every stick of wood,

It froze hairs, and the attached skin,

Froze my soups, preserved in cheap tin,

I can't walk through a polar vort, even with my fluffy hood.

A REINDEER FOR CHRISTMAS

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year,

Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer,

It's nice to pet; fur is soft as silk,

It's a girl, so the kids get milk,

When she dies, I'll roast her in the oven, marinated in root beer.

HOW DID THE POISONOUS CHRISTMAS BEETLE INFEST HOMES.

There was a little Christmas beetle, that climbed down from my Christmas tree,

The Christmas beetle was so cute and cuddly, that I just let him be,

I worried the beetle had rabies,

But I didn't expect all the babies,

By the time the next springtime came, beetles filled my house up like a sea. 

THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHRISTMAS CHOPS

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day,

I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away,

I ate purloined chops all night long,

I realized next morn, I'd done wrong,

Fat Santa had left me nothing, when he visited with his sleigh.

A GREEN BEAST CHRISTMAS WITH NANNA

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast,

It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast,

The night before our big holiday dinner,

I gave nana my gift, it was a winner,

Nanna didn't show up for our big meal, and missed a spiral ham feast.

MOOSE THE GOOSE MADE CLYDE HIDE

I had a hound dog, my pa named him Clyde,

Clyde took off running from the farm, to hide,

Clyde tangled with Moose,

Our goose that got loose,

Moose bit Clyde on his back, bottom and side.

SANTA HAS LABOR ISSUES

Santa isn't using reindeer to pull his sleigh, this year,

Instead, he's hired unicorns, they're cheap, they'll work for beer,

The reindeer have gone on strike,

Want more breaks, and a pay hike,

The elves won't cross the picket lines, and Christmas Eve is near.

FEAST AROUND AND FIND OUT: THE IVY FUR BOOT STORY

I had beautiful ivy plants, growing by my old barn, 

I found my Ivy plants dead, one day, and I said, "oh, darn",  

Two groundhogs ate the tender roots,

Hogs feel good, in my fur lined boots,

Now I won't need to knit new socks, so I'll return the yarn. 

THEY CAME FOR CHRISTMAS AND WILL STAY ALL WINTER.

The only gift I got Christmas day, was a pine tree full of bugs,

When I brought my tree inside, the bugs thawed and fell onto my rugs,

Oh, Christmas green tree

How hateful of ye,

I'll be scratching all winter long, because of bug bites, digs and dugs.

SOLSTICE

I only get it once a year,

The winter solstice, lets be clear,

It's a cold night,

Warm clothes are tight,

Then at midnight, we raise a beer.

GRAY STUFFY MAKES A MAN

He-man Herman's nose was fat, red and full of gray stuffy,

Around his little eyeballs, it was dank, dark and puffy,

When Herman blew his nose,

Stuffy covered his clothes,

Herman wouldn't change, because he felt tough, manly and roughy.

THE CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE

I invested $15.00 in crypto this morning, by noon,  I was a millionaire,

Mama told me I was crazy, and of crypto money, I had better beware,

By next week my one million,

Will turn into a billion,

Then I'll move out of mama's basement into a mansion, I'm just not sure quite where.

THE FOREST PRIMEVAL MONSTER

I went to the snow filled forest, Primeval, today,

To cut down some trees, to heat my cabin until May,

Used a sleigh, pulled by dogs,

To bring back all my logs,

A forest monster, followed me back to where I stay.

I MET HER IN MANCELONA: COUGAR EYES AND BAD BREATH

I went to Mancelona just to see where it is at,

The only thing I found there was a female, cougar cat,

The cougar decided to eat,

I had blubber, but not much meat,

I think amongst cougar cats, eating tourists is so, brat.

ICE HONEY HOLIDAYS

In Michigan, we have in the winter, what we call, snow bees,

They hibernate in summer, and in winter make ice honeys,

The public wallet is the jurist,

Ice honey is a fav of tourists,

Ice honeys are made, until it's time for chocolate bunnies.

BURNT BY DRONES

My small, quiet home was attacked by aerial drones today,

I believe the drone soldiers came from somewhere far, far away,

So many drones did fly,

They darkened the day, sky,

They made me a smoking, charred carcass, by using a death ray.

CHRISTMAS WINTER SNOWBALL CHILI

My special Christmas Winter Chili, did not turn out so well,

I subed snowballs for meatballs, but where the balls went, I can't tell,

There was no grease at all, but lots of cold water,

The chili was diluted, and made less hotter,

I won't market my Chili, because I'm sure it will not sell.

THE DAM THAT BURST

When the lake dam burst, my log cabin took a rigorous swim,

Along with my sports card collection, and my pet spider, Jim,

The log cabin fell apart,

Nothing left for a restart,

No sports cards were recovered, and neither was my spider, Jim.

CRITTER STEW FOR TWO

I found some dry hickory, so I lit it to make a winter stew,

I threw in the stew a snow bunny, a dead frog and something that flew,

The stew bubbled, and the fire hissed,

Soon, the critter stew, my fat lips kissed,

After dinner I took a nap, while my dog Dexter dropped his poo.

Martian Drones Are Here Shopping For Christmas🎄🎁

There was a mystery drone that landed on my trailer house,

The drone crushed in the roof a bit, and caused an "eek!", from a mouse,

I snuck outside for a peek,

The drone was taking a leak,

The drone said it was shopping for a Christmas gift, a blouse.

BEN, EMPATHY AND SPACE INVADERS CAME

Ben climbed up to the top of a mountain, to look down on the city,

Ben was excited to watch off-world drones, attack without pity,

Where those drones attacked,

Skyscrapers got whacked,

A fireworks factory got hit, and that explosion was pretty.

ME AND FRED AND THE ALIEN DRONE

I had a drone fly into my bedroom, and hover over my head,

It was definitely from outer space, just like the internets said,

It had many feet with toes,

It was scented like a rose,

Then it pulled out a ray gun, and united me with my dead dog, Fred.

HOLIDAY ANXIETY, SENT ME TO THE NOOK.

I made out all my Christmas cards, but I could not find my address book,

I thought of where it could be, but it wasn't there when I took a look,

My anxiety got so severe,

I smashed a little, plastic reindeer,

Then I went down to the old pub, and sat all by myself in the nook.  

MY MUSIC GOES TO THE MOON

My lunar lander fell to the moon, and had a big, total crash,

I didn't pay attention, I was ear mellowing, to Johnny Cash,

On an alien world of woe,

My bones were broke and crushed, head to toe,

Of earth, I wondered, who would claim my Country Western music stash.

I GET EVEN WITH GUPPIES

I was raising expensive little corals in my guppy, fishy tank, 

I wanted to sell corals for money, and put the money in the bank,   

But, those crazy, guppy fish,

Ate my corals, for nutrish,  

I put in the guppy tank a piranha, and his name is Hungry Hank.

GUPPY JERKY

My fish tank was so full of guppies, they flopped onto the floor,

They'd dry and my kitty would eat them, then looked around for more,

The guppies dried; became jerky,

A chewy husk that was quirky,

I started selling jerked guppies, on all of my online stores.

NO PEAS, WATER AND BARLEY FOR FARLEY

My newest, best friend, Giggles Farley, 

Many claimed, he liked to make parlay,

But, he wouldn't speak,

Wouldn't open his beak,

He missed getting pea soup with barley.

DOLPH, THE SHINY TAILED REINDEER

Dolph, the sleigh bell, Santa reindeer, had a big, shiny tail,

You could see him flying through snowstorms, and rainstorms with hail,

On coco, Dolph, was wired,

So, Dolph, never got tired,

Dolph, led Santa's sleigh, after his red nosed father, expired.

WHAT DOES A TIGER EAT? ANYTHING HE WANTS

I bought a giant pet tiger, and I fed him noodles and cake,

Yet, somehow he just was not happy, and one day he did awake,

He ate my guppies, dogs and cats,

Ate my spouse, and kids, they were brats,

Then my pet tiger chewed on me, and caused all my bones to ache.

READY FOR SANTA

I decorated with lights, that make twinkles

I made sugar cookies, and added sprinkles,

I hung up my longest, clean stocking,

Put Teddy in the chair, that's rocking,

Made a path to the bath, for Santa's tinkles.

SNOW DOWN AND ADMIRE THE OUTDOORS

I admired my great tree all covered with snow,

Then, the darn wind began to blow,

And there was a great crashing sound,

As the tree hit the ground,

Now, I've got free firewood, and saved some doe.

THERE WERE THREE SHIPS COME SINKING

There were three ships come sinking; they were sinking on Christmas Day,

There were three ships come sinking, pulled down by monsters in the bay,

For the little girls and boys,

There went the promised Christmas toys,

Christmas ruined by tariff monsters, who stole the fun, away.😭😭😭😭😭

EXTREME COLD: MICHIGAN, THE FREEZER STATE

I ran into my Uncle Karl, who lives down in the del,

By the size of his stomach, I knew that Karl wintered well,

Taters and fried cakes,

Is just what it takes,

To survive winters in Michigan, if that is where you dwell.

DRONES OVER THE TRAILER PARK

My trailer park is being overrun by flying drones,

The flying drones interfere with our functioning cell phones,

Our TVs have gone hush,

Our full toilets, won't flush,

And, drone ray guns burn the flesh off our bones.

RETURN OF THE DILL PICKLE DIET

I just took a look at my stacks of bills,

I kind of got the sad, Willy, weird, chills,

To feed my sweet, cute face,

I overspent, disgrace,

I'll return those big jars of pickled dills.

LEAVING TOWN

In my public hanging, I was gallows, displayed,

Fortuitous, I had a knife with a sharp blade,

With death, I could not coupe,

So, I cut my neck rope,

I rode out of town, leading a soldier's parade.

DIRTY DISHES, LOCKED IN

I had lots of dirty dishes to do, and I locked in,

There were so many dishes, it could have been a great win,

With all the dishes laid about,

I soon felt tired, and locked out,

And, my many dirty dishes, overflowed my trash bin.

THE LITTLE PIC WAS SENT HOME

The piccolo player only played with one hand,

He would make awful sounds, when he played in our band,

He had the tears of the sad,

When we all got really mad,

But, we all were happy, once pic player was canned.

BEAR CUT

I moved to Clare Michigan, to be a cutter of hair,

Things were going very well, until in walks a Clare bear,

I cut some hair off the top,

Then the big bear yelled, "Stop!",

I wanted to cut much more, but I didn't think I should dare.

SCHOOL LUNCHES: WHAT'S IN YOUR MEATLOAF?

What happened to the animals in the zoo?

When they closed the old zoo, some animals flew,

Other animals, it's said,

Became a stew, for dipped bread,

That news made many little children, boohoo.  😭😭😭😭😭

MY LIFE IN PLASTIC PIECES

I bought two little knick knacks, to display on my little dorm bookshelf,

One was a 3 inch plastic bear, the other a 2 inch plastic elf,

The bear had great big teeth,

The elf wore a Christmas wreath,

Next day, I found my knacks in pieces, broken by my mean roommate, Ralph.

THE DINOSAUR AND I

I went to see the dinosaur that was living down the street,

I never saw his bod before, just the tracks left by his feet,

I and the dino became chummy,

He liked me to scratch his fat tummy,

Sometimes the dino would pass gas, and nasty; what did he eat?

EGGS: NOT FOR DINNER

I bought a dozen large, chicken eggs,

Inside, I found beaks, eyes, guts and legs,

Near as I could tell,

These eggs were not well,

The store won't take them back, though I begs.

THE PRICE OF BEANS IN MANCELONA

I went to buy a small can of beans, in the Mancelona town,

I wanted a can of red beans, but all the beans were kind of brown,

I bought a can of brown beans,

High priced, but I had the means,

I went home and ate my pricy beans, then put on my bedtime gown.

UNCLE LEE: LOCKED IN FOR POOL

You always knew when Uncle Lee was locked in for pool,

Because he'd purse his pretty lips, and let slip some drool,

Then a victim you would be,

If you took on Uncle Lee,

He'd finish by sinking your balls, and take you to school.

MY NOODLES TASTED LIKE FOOT BOOGERS.

I got very hungry, and needed something for a noontime eat,

I went to a store, and tried buying a teeny piece of raw meat,

Although the meat came from groins,

The price was more than my coins,

I bought a pack of old noodles, that tasted like someone's gym feet.

UNCLE LEE IN PARLIAMENT

Uncle Lee ran for parliament, because he thought through parliament, he could rule,

There is no parliament in the U.S., he'd have known that if he'd gone to school,

Uncle Lee won big, his race,

But, he lost his civil case,

Uncle Lee tried to establish a parliament, but the judge was no one's fool.

UNCLE LEE ON SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee,

He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free,

There's  cards, darts, bingo and bowling,

Romance: there's vacant lot trolling,

Many find their true love, under the hazel nut tree.

JIMMY AND THE WINTER BURST

There was a twisting snownado that froze Jimmy's pipes,

The family couldn't flush the toilet, after their wipes,

It all made Jimmy mad,

His pipes froze, really bad,

Then all of his pipes burst, and his family had gripes.

FACE, ACE, FOUR, ORE: THE CHEETAH ATE MY...

I fed my cheetah Cheetos, then he turned around and ate my face,

He seemed to enjoy the Cheetos, but my face tasted, pretty ace,

My cat is the age, ten and four,

Lives in a cave of iron ore,

I feel like a stupid loser, losing my face is my disgrace.

I'm An Unappreciated Baker, So Screw Them

I made a pie full of strawberries, but the berries were not ripe,

The pie was extremely tangy, and everyone had to gripe,

That's the last pie,

Until I die,

Instead of feeding the family, I'll relax, and smoke my pipe.

I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH BELLY TREATS

Every single Christmas, I get fired,

It is never quite the Christmas, desired,

But, I got a nice big stash,

A coffee can full of cash,

I'll buy some pop and cookies, and get wired.

JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA, I KILL WITH GREASE

I spent a lifetime making sandwiches, dripping with grease,

I will never find in my demise, an eternal peace,

I invented the heart flopper,

Eventually, heart stopper,

Now, the nightmare of my great guilt, will not cease, will not cease.

I'M A DICKENS CHRISTMAS CAROL, EVERY SINGLE YEAR

If I want a Christmas Dinner, I'll have to scrape it off the road,

Last year, all I scraped up for Christmas, was the thigh of one squished toad,

I cannot ever, quite understand,

Why every Christmas, I get canned,

Then I can't have heat, food or lights, and get kicked out of my abode.

AI AP FOR METER MILES

My conversion brain, usually beguiles,

But, I cannot convert meters to miles,

Meters to feet,

Quick done, complete,

Seems, my brain's missing some conversion AP files.

THE LIVING AND THE GIN DEAD

Spirits from the undead, nether world, spoke to me, once again,

Through my dreams they warned me, about the spirit cast in my gin,

My newly made gin, perverts mortal sight,

Contaminated with full demon blight,

Too late for me, I'm drinking samples, from my cup of silver-tin.

PETER, TURNIPS AND HIS MA

Peter picked his big, sweet turnips, from the ground they swelled within,

Peter picked them in the morning, and placed them in his turnip bin,

Peter fried the turnips in grease and butter,

Then he fed them to his grinning, old mutter,

She would say "that a boy", as hot grease and drool dripped down her chin.

FAILURE IS AN ART

I went to Ann Arbor Town, to take an art history class,

But, no matter how hard I tried, the art class I could not pass,

The teacher played too many games,

Making me learn too many names,

The only art I ever owned, was a talking, plastic bass.

SPAM JAM BENNY

Benny went to a foot doctor, to have all his toes dejammed,

This was soon on social media, now Benny's getting spamed,

Spam was one of Benny's big fears,

Toe jams has brought Benny to tears,

Now, everywhere that Benny goes, his jams will get him slammed.  

THE BLINGING OF THE KING

I went to Utah to visit our dear King,

He was so unhappy, because of the thing,

He had been extremely jolly,

After he married Queen Polly,

But, then she divorced him and took all his bling.

REINDEER CHUNK CHEESE TARIFFS

I had to pay for a big tariff on my small piece of Cheese,

It was made from reindeer milk, and fresh, big chunks of reindeer sneeze,

It was Canadian dairy,

The big price of it was scary,

If I disguise as Santa, I could smuggle it in with ease.

DECEMBER: COLD, DEATH AND PAIN

December days are too many, black, cold and very long,

The spirit who designed December, was in the head, wrong, 

It's painfully chilly,

Fast froze my dog, Willy,

Each December remembered, with a dark dirge for its song.

Depression, Starvation, No Heat: It Must Be Christmas Again

I got sacked before Christmas, and will receive no more pay,

I won't get my Christmas bonus, it's not coming my way,

My kids will get no new toys,

No food for girls and boys,

And, off goes the heat and the lights, now it's a dismal day.

COB-CORN AND THE HAPPY DUDE

Uncle Lee scraped up all the gum, that people had chewed,

People left gum all over, and in places, so rude,

But, it gave Lee a paying job,

Then he could buy corn on the cob,

When Lee ate buttered cob-corn, he was one happy dude.

WINTER DEAD

We all hope that enough winter nuts, we have now, squirreled,

As the dark, bleak drapes of winter, cover our new world,

And, ode to the snow, white,

Covering the dead fall, blight,

While we hold close our others, under blankets, half furled.

BENNY GOT RETUBED

Benny used green leaves for toilet paper, and got a bad infection,

When he showed his old doctor, the doctor, quickly made a connection,

Some common green leaves, we all know,

Are poison, and cause drainage woe,

Benny stayed in the hospital, while they retubed his lower section.