THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

3312024

DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

33124

THE STAR FROM THE STICKS

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks,

Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks,

His backwoods simple ways,

Along with stupid gaze,

Made Benny a superstar; a star from the sticks.

I WAS A CESSPOOL DIVER; NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean,

It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline,

The cess got in my beautiful hair,

That's why my hair is no longer there,

I'll not enter a cesspool again, except in a submarine.

I EATS CANDY WHILE I CAN

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth,

That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith,

I really do not care,

Cavities I will dare,

I will eat my candy before the dirt, I am underneath.

THE WILL OF THE MOUSE

The mouse was stuck on the old glue trap,

He squeaked and squeaked and said, "Drat, Drat,"

But, his will kept him yanking,

And, his little feet cranking,

He freed himself, but was ate by the cat.

111321

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES III (NON ORGAN DONOR MARKET)

Daddy goes out on the street, very late at night,

Looking for used body parts, when supplies are tight,

When old organs fail,

Daddy finds some for sale,

Guaranteed to fit the wealthy client, just right.

A CANDY BASKET FIT FOR KINGS AND QUEENS

I got a basket full of chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps and jelly beans,

I've never seen so much candy, it was like a basket for kings and queens,

It came from a nice bunny,

I think his name was Sonny,

He was wearing big bib overhauls, because he was way too fat for jeans.

33024

WHEN I WAS A DRIVER'S TRAINEE

I was a driver's trainee,

When it was pour down rainy,

I hit the brake,

Slid, hit the lake,

After going through the fence called chainy.

71121

THE BUG SLURPER

Leonardo the squirrel, ate bugs, never nuts,

Leo didn't like the chewing, he'd rather slurp guts,

And the tastiest slurps,

Came from bugs that had chirps,

Leo avoided bugs that had bad smelling butts.

32924

RANDY HAD BRANDY

There once was a sweet rabbit named Randy,

He delivered baskets full of candy,

Randy hopped into a lion,

Randy took off home, just flyin',

That night he had a nightcap of Brandy.

MUDPUPPY AND THE BASS

There was a mudpuppy that got stuck in the mud,

She struggled real hard, but was stuck deep in the crud,

A hero did pass,

It was a rock bass,

The bass freed the pup and they ate worms and a sud.

32924

RON THE MASTODON

With my bestest friends, Bill and Dave,

We went exploring in a cave,

We found a Mastodon,

We named him Ron,

He was bones, it was his grave.

32924

IDES ARE BORING, I'M MOVING TO GRAWN

The Ides of March have come and gone,

Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn,

Maybe next year,

The earth won't be here,

Or, maybe I'll retire to Grawn.

THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR

The rabbit with the candy basket, was being chased by the bear,

The poor rabbit had candy falling from the basket, everywhere,

The bear was gaining fast,

The rabbit would not last,

The bear would get the candy, and the meat under the rabbit hair.

32824

FROM EASTER BUNNIES TO BEES

There were two little white bunnies, and they each ate too much tasty cheese,

They could not go to the bathroom, and felt a real general unease,

To make their bowels quicken,

They ate some tainted chicken,

Their bodies I used to feed my flowers, and the flowers feed the bees.

32824

THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

91017

PETER THE PASTA POET

Peter was a rare pasta poet,
He rhymed linguini and did not know it,
He once rhymed spaghetti,
With a monster called Yeti,
But, with an audience he would blow it.

Write poetry about pasta and have it rhyme,
Peter tried but he failed almost every time,
He rearranged his words,
Messed up his verbs,

Pasta poetry didn't make him a dime.  

32724

BIG FISH ON A SPINNER RIG

I caught a fish that was so big,

On a nightcrawler-spinner rig,

"It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter,

That's why I cleaned it using my boat motor,

So, the big fish I caught with a spinner,

Was so big I invited all to a dinner,

At the end of the meal there was left just the head,

And, those that were there were contented and fed,

Of course I would have gone out to catch more fish with my rig,

But, I had run out of nightcrawlers and was too tired to dig,

So, I had to wait for the crawlers to come up in the rain,

Alas, we were in a dry spell with no rain on the plain.   

81918

MY ROOMMATE IS A PIG POEM

My roommate lives on the dole,
He never sweeps the floor,
He never cleans the toilet bowl,
Or, flushes anymore,

My roommate lives just day to day,
He never has a job,
The rent he'll never help to pay,
He is just a big fat slob,

My roommate is just not all there,
He'll never get a gig,
What people think he does not care,
My roommate is a pig,

Don't find roommates on the Internet,
You'll be real sorry if you do,
Online roommates will make you upset,
The day they move in you will rue.

33017

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

11823

BILLY AND THE B

Billy was out swinging beneath an old tree,

He swung so high he got stung by a bad bee,

He gave a bee nest a tap,

The nest fell on Billy's lap,

He's in ICU; I can't get in to see.

32724

MY SCORPION IS IN A BETTER PLACE, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

My pet scorpion was killed, when someone crushed him with a big rock,

I spent all day complaining to all my followers on Tic Toc,

Someone sent a message that was sound,

The kind of message to bring me round,

Seems my scorpion is in heaven, being treated by a doc.

32724

I FED MY FAMILY INFLATION BUGS

The price of groceries had gotten so darn high,

Was with jitter bugs and weeds, I made my stir fry,

The food was so bad,

The family got mad,

They puked all night long, and said I was a bad dad.

32724

MARCO GOT BANNED

Marko is very bitter,

Since he's been banned from Twitter,

A down toilet seat omiter,

His hair is all green glitter,

He is a doggy sitter.

32724

BAD RABBIT

There was a crazy rabbit that painted chicken eggs,

He'd run around and leave them, between old ladies legs,

Someone set a rabbit trap,

That ended the rabbit app,

Now the bunny is caged, and for carrots, all day begs.

CHILDREN VS NOT LIMERICK

Whimper, whimper my little brats,
 I should have stayed single and just kept some cats,
 I could manage their poop,
 With just a big scoop,
Pooped diapers are more expensive than flats.

112718

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES, AND MOMMY WANTS HER CUT

Daddy sells appendages like human fingers and human toes,

Surprising what rich people pay, for a pretty human nose,

Organs are where the money's at,

My mommy tells my daddy that,

Mommy has gotten more involved, as daddy's business grows.

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL.SUPPLIES II

Daddy bought and sold things, like human lungs and human hearts,

There's a lot of old rich people needing many new parts,

There was an old man in Sydney,

He needed a fresh, new kidney,

Daddy won one from our neighbor, in a game of lawn jarts. 

MY DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES

"Whatever floats their boat",

Was daddy's favorite quote,

He went up the river,

Sold kidneys and liver,

Delivered in a dry ice filled tote.

THE WASHED AWAY CITY

A sudden massive, storm downpour washed my  city away,

I floated amongst parts of buildings in Saginaw Bay,

Then out of the dark,

Comes this big giant shark,

I kicked him square in the nose, and saved my bacon that day.

32624

WHERE ARE THE BLOOMING SPRING FLOWERS?

I went out looking for new blooming spring flowers,

All I came across were snow drifts and snow showers,

Although springtime is here,

The flowers I fear,

I will find them in weeks and not hours.

32221

NO.TRESSPASSING UNLESS THERE'S A BEAR

My neighbors and I signed some treaties, 

No one can trespass with their feeties,

Unless chased by a bear,

Then no one will care,

If chased, you'll wish you had your Wheaties.

32624

THE SERPENT UNDER THE ROCK

There was a poison filled serpent underneath a pretty granite rock,

I thought I'd find a stick and clobber him, and record it for Tik Tok,

Then the serpent slithered toward me,

Bit me just below my bad knee,

As I lay crying, dying, the nasty serpent danced around, to mock.

32624

FOUR FEET WENT BACK TO SCHOOL

On the first day of school I found I had four feet,

And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat,

Then, I got everyone's stare,

For my four feet were bare,

But, I knew I was dreaming when my lunch I didn't eat. 

COYOTE HUNGRY

Coyotes are after my little terror dog,

They may well get him, because he sleeps like a dead log,

I made my doggy wear bells,

And some skunk pee that smells,

Now my dear doggy is free to hike, sleep, dance or jog.

32624

HAPPY CAMPER KELLY

Kelly the happy camper, camps up north in the early springs,

Kelly roasts marshmallows, and does other happy camper things,

Sometimes he catches little fish,

Breaks their small bones, and makes a wish,

When Kelly is done breaking fish bones, he sits around and sings.

32524

THE BEN MADE BISMARKS LIMERICK

Ben made bismarks until he was fired,
He didn't use the filling that was required,
It was such a big  waste,
He filled bismarks with toothpaste,
It was not the filling the public desired.

Z1616

CLAUDIUS THE CLOWN IS SAD

Claudius the clown, was a very, very stupid man,

He could not learn to tie his shoes, nor open a Spam can,

It was said, Claudius the clown,

Couldn't tell a smile from a frown,

He got fired by the circus, and got a lifetime ban.

THERE WAS A PIG NAMED ROCKET

There was a pink pig named rocket,
One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket,
It kept popping out,
It would land on his snout,
He'd put it away in his pocket.

33114

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

81416

MY SOCCER CAREER ENDS WITH PAIN

I got a terrible concussion,
Playing soccer against the team of the Prussian,
I took a ball to the brain,
But, I felt little pain,
As off to the hospital I went rushin'.

1516

THE NEIGHBORHOOD GARGOYLES

I saw two gargoyles out in the yard,
They were snacking on someone; I think Mr. Bard,
Because it wasn't me,
I just let it be,
With gargoyles you must be on guard.

Two gargoyles were lurking in my neighborhood,
They seemed to think my neighbors tasted real good,
Only, I stayed inside,
And, the rest of them died,
Being safe was not well understood.

51321
 

GEORGE HAD A HOUND DOG NAMED MOLLY

George had a hound dog named Molly,
Mollie married Danny the collie,
Ten puppies they raised,
But, Danny was crazed,
The pups looked like a bull dog named Ollie.

Molly would eat ice cream all the day,
She didn't exercise or try to play,
She got so big and round,
She bounced on the ground,
Then bounced herself out on the bay.

Molly liked to sleep in the sun,
That was what Molly thought was fun,
When she got a sun burn,
Then over she would turn,
Now Molly weighs more than a ton.

9522

I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

MY SWEET AND CAESAR'S FEET

The Ides of March is oh so sweet,

And I celebrate with a candy treat,

Of course, it's sad for poor Caesar,

But, he was a hard pleaser,

And, I was the slave that had to keep clean Caesar's feet.

31520

MY FLOWER POPPED UP IN THE SPRING

My flower popped up in the spring,

Then a cold snap did it's thing,

My flower tilted,

Then it wilted,

And, an unhappy bee gave me a sting.

52122

THE BUG ZAPPER OF TEARS

I had a small pet bug named Larry, he just learned how to fly,

He flew into a bug zapper, and that's where he learned to die,

I keep losing all my bug pets,

The bug zapper has no regrets,

Larry is just a pile of dust; I ask the zapper, "why".

32424

SNAPPING TURTLES WENT FOR MY TOES

I went swimming with the turtles, and what did I find?

Turtles like to snap toes off, which left me in a bind,

I would have drowned that day,

But a whale came my way,

The whale swam me to my home, because that whale was kind.

MY GERBIL HAD NO PEDIGREE

My gerbil had no pedigree, no pedigree at all,

So, he did not get good job interviews; not even a single call,

His vast student loans filled him with fright,

This made my gerbil so uptight,

He growled at me and tried to bite,

And, drank the whiskey and wanted to fight,

I made my gerbil sleep outside last night,

Today, I found him froze to the sidewalk tight,

Thus, ended my little gerbils plight,

His big juicy eyes were a crow's delight.

1318

I TRAVELED TO THE PARTS UNKNON

I journeyed deep into the swamp to the parts unknown,

I found food for dinner, for there was plenty of bone,

But what walks upright there?

A prehistoric bear,

It grabbed me and licked me, like I was an ice cream cone.

32324

PINE NEEDLE CHEW FOR SPOONING

I put four acorns in my green, mint tea,

That makes a bitter flavor taste for me,

I chew needles of pine,

So my breath smells fresh, fine,

Now my honey will go spooning with me.

MY LITTLE POEM ABOUT GHEE

I ordered the health food, ghee,

I thought it was to be free,

It is costly as can be,

I added salt from the sea,

Dumped it on macaroni. 

JERRY AND THE CANDY CANE

There once was a story teller, named Jerry,

In his brain, many stories he would carry,

Jerry lost part of his brain,

From a falling candy cane,

That deep in  his skull, it did bury.  

I DO MY PAINT BY NUMBERS

While everybody slumbers,

I do my paint by numbers,

I'm just glad there are no fines,

For staying within the lines,

It's an art full of choices and wonders.

21522

LIP-SPIT MARCH

I heard the Turkish March, as the band played down the road,

I heard the brass lip-spit spraying, as they passed by my abode,

I'm sure Wolfgang was so proud, 

The band was really, really loud,

They got tickets with stiff fines, because they broke the nuisance code.

71422

I WENT TO CHUM'S CORNERS TO HAVE A NIGHT OUT

I went to Chum's Corners to have a night out,

I stopped into the gas station to see what it was about,

I bought a slice of pizza and a large soda pop,

Then left the gas station for a more happening stop,

I went to the hardware to check out the sales,

I bought a new hammer and ten pounds of nails,

I bought a bird feeder and ten pounds of bird feed,

Then I left the hardware for I felt a new need,

I went to the market to get some popcorn to pop,

It was after 8 p.m., time to go home and flop,

But I still needed excitement, at least just a bit more,

So I stopped at the Chum's Corners' local video store.  

7622

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING DOWN

John's elevator went down so very fast,
When it hit ground floor he lost his meal last,
All the potatoes and gravy,
Ended up on poor Davy,
And, Susie enjoyed a steak from John's past.

32122



 

GREEN THING FROM SPACE WITH TEETH

I came across a green thing that fell from outer space,

It had a small portuberance, but no visible face,

Then down at it's south

It opened a mouth,

It sucked me in, chewed me up at a whirlwind pace.

LEE'S LINCOLN LOGS

I found some big logs left by my neighbor, Lee Lincoln,

He piled them a week ago, now they are stinkin',

It is not a real surprise,

He who touches the logs, dies,

If you get close to the logs, your eyes will start blinkin'.

JIMMY TOOK CLASSES IN TRIG

Jimmy took classes in theoretical trig,
He wanted to build a space/time rig,
He wanted to go fast,
Deep into the past,
Where his knowledge would go over big.

32722

STANLEY WENT HOPPING MAD

Stanley was acting weird and real funny,

He hopped around like a crazy bunny,

When they sent Stan away,

For a mental health stay,

His eyes teared and his nose got real runny.

COCKROACH SUPERSIZED

I find a stinky cockroach in my clothes,

The more I spray him, the bigger he grows,

I go get a net,

He grows bigger, yet,

We're standing eye to eye, and toe to toes.

32124

AMY PAINTED THE FLOOR

Amy painted the wood floor,

To color it like the door,

She painted it blue,

Then it looked brand new,

Her mommy got really sore.

BANDALEITO

There was a little mosquito,

They all called him, Bandaleito,

He played a little harp,

In the key of C-sharp,

Bug spray would make him retreato.

32024

JIMMY BURN MOUTH AND CONTAMINATED THE COOLER

Jimmy's noodles were so hot,

They burnt his teeth that had the rot,

He sucked the water cooler,

With his drooler,

Water going down mixed with his snot.

CHIP LOVER

I love tasty potato chips,

When they're salty on my soft lips,

Vinegar sour,

Sour cream power,

Are the flavors that build my hips.

32024

THE BLEEDS: CURSE OF THE VAMPIRE

Wicked disease, ultimate decay,
They shun the light of every day,
No one listens when they pray,
Like angels that have fallen away.

On human blood the vampire feeds,
Fulfilling his abnormal needs,
Souls transformed like vampire seeds,
They prowl the night and spread the bleeds.

3821

I WENT TO QUEEN DAY IN SAGINAW

I love monarchs, so I went to Saginaw to visit the queen,

I bought her a pizza, and gave her my candy from Halloween,

I got a queen autograph,

Signed by her big chief of staff,

I then traveled back home, and ate some ham soup with garbanzo bean.

GETTING FIRED ONCE AGAIN HAIKU

Funeral worker,
Corpse, mix-up, mad people, boss,
Undertaker, not.

Car wash, day dreamer,
Much soap, windows down, wax too,
Unemployed again.

41212

BALLAD OF THE LITTLE TRUMPETIER

The little trumpetier,
Played best after drinking his beer,
And, for half a shot and a fin,
He'd back-play violin,
It's too bad he had a tin ear.

7221

WASHING MACHINE BLUES

My washing machine flooded the floor,

A soap river flowed out my backdoor,

The wet wood started to a cave,

Made the crawlspace its grave,

My landlord saw the mess, and did roar.

THE POOR HILLBILLY BILLY BLUES

I'm a hillbilly, and I really needs some more,

They call me Poor Billy, because I'm so dirt poor,

Never had no new shoes,

Or socks that came in two's,

I grew up eating dirt, because dirt was our floor.

JUST EAT, DON'T THINK

Don was so poorly educated, he could not tie his shoes,

He did not know colors, confusing yellows, reds and blues 

But Don knew how to eat,

Lots of starch and fatty meat,

When Don finished licking his plate, more helpings he would choose.

POINTY FINGERS THE TATTLETALE

Pointy Fingers was a tattletale,
He made small crimes sound like a whale,
He would sing like a bird,
But no one ever heard,
They ignored his constant regale.

Pointy Fingers was a nasty tattletale,
He snitched on his friends and made them all bail,
He was not confidence bound,
So, he was not welcomed around,
If he was seen coming in the other directions they'd sail.

PP122921

GASSY SNOWMAN PART ONE

I put beans in my snowman, to see if he would get gassy and grow,

Low and behold he farted, and the fart had a big yellowish glow,

I didn't know whatever to do,

Snowman farting is something new,

I decided to ignore, and gave the snowman a tie with a bow.

I GOT TO WORK WHEN IT SNOWS

I went out to use my snow thrower,
But, something was wrong with the blower,
Then, my snow shovel broke,
And, my old car wouldn’t choke,
To work I’ll hire someone to tow her.

I got to work when it snows,
Or, my future will get a hose,
I'll be fired late today,
When the boss calls in his say,
From Hawaii where, he warms his toes.

111722

TURDS, NO WORDS, HOT TEA AND BIRDS

I got out my teacup, and in it were ten black mousey turds,

I needed drink for sup, and the little turds overtook all words,

I bleached out my soiled cup,

Had it lick cleaned by my pup,

Then I made real hot tea, and ate a can of roast chicken birds.

THE VAMPIRES AWAIT

They stay out in the dark river valleys,
They do not live but, haunt our dreams,
Of their kills they keep no tallies,
Terror and bloodlust are their themes,

What sharpened hooks that bleed our necks,
That takes in life and exhale death,
No mortal signs can craft a hex,
To save our blood and human breath,

The vampires have a certain need,
Though they have immortal powers,
To quench their thirst they make us bleed,
Until eternal sleep is ours.

21621

SEVEN MINUTES TO READY

I get up and get me ready for work,

I'm just a humble, grocery store clerk,

I take seven minutes to ready,

Then have a coffee with dear, Teddy,

And I'm off to be called all day, a jerk.

NEIGHBORS WENT FERRELL AND ATE MY SHEEP

I had lots of sheep, a massive white flock,

I watched them like a hawk, around the clock,

Neighbors needed to eat,

Neighbors saw all my meat,

They took my sheep and clocked me with a rock.

BILLY'S BEETLE DUNG

Billy's cute little beetle ran away,

Billy has dung, but the beetle wouldn't stay,

Billy's dung,

Is far flung,

How far can a beetle run in a day?

HOLIDAY TRAFFIC LIMERICK

The holiday traffic got kind of speedy,
For those going to resorts were all chill pill needy,
But, they brought with them lots of cash,
To fix their rides after a crash,
And, have money left to stay at someplace not too seedy.

52922

CONDUCTOR'S LAMENT: "IF ONLY EVERYONE WERE LIKE THE TRUMPETS"

July second is finally at hand,
Time to rehearse the July forth marching band,
While the drums bang away,
Tubas ompah all day,
The trumpets fanfare on command.

7223

GUPPIES FOR THE FAIR OR FOOD

I raised me some beautiful guppies to sell at the farm fair,

People looked into my guppy jug, and saw no guppies there,

It seems someone's sea toad,

Was in guppy lunch mode,

In the next booth sat that toad, with a big smile and dumb stare.

31624

SLEEP TIGHT TERMITE, SLEEP TIGHT

Sleep tight termite, sleep tight

For you the world is all right,

Your family is all kisses and hugs,

For they don't have issues with bugs,
Like my walls caving in overnight.

5520

AR AND THE ATTACK OF THE HEMORRHOIDS

I have a Doberman dog, I named, Atomic Richie,

AR is laughed at because his hemorrhoids are itchy,

Across the carpet he scoots,

Amongst the laughter and hoots,

Poor old AR is howling in a vibrating pitchy. 

SWATTER HOUSE FLIES

I found my old fly swatter, and swatted a million flies,

Their guts flew into all my food, and that was a surprise,

There were guts in the refried rice,

Guts on every pizza slice,

I didn't tell the kids, so they would enjoy their pizza pies.

THE COMING FREEZE

The cold was ever creeping, real near,

Frosty toes made me quiver with fear,

Woodstove was almost out,

No wood lying about,

That winter, firewood had become dear.

31524

GOLDILOCKS AND THE FOX

There once was an old, old fox,

He bit on a young Goldilocks,

She kicked him in the face,

He gnawed her shoelace,

Ruining her only pair of red socks.

I WENT SALMON FISHING ONE MORNING LIMERICK

I went salmon fishing one morning,
A big fish bit without warning,
He struck with such wrath,
I fell in for a bath,
Now salmon fishing, I'm scorning.

5121

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, STAR GO DIE

There was a little star that twinkled, in the North, March sky,

It twinkled in, it twinkled out, I watched the star, go die,

I thought, those poor, fast freezing, creatures,

Needing that star to heat their features,

All those countless, needless deaths, drew a tear from my blue eye.

31424

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

BLOOD SUCKED AND THEN TEA

There was this vampire, he hung down from an oak tree,

Everyone who passed got a little neck bitey,

Blood flowed like a river,

Which made givers quiver,

They would pass out, but would make it to the next day's tea.

31324

THEFT OF THE SNOW CABIN

I went to the woods, bought a quaint cabin, made out of snow,

So in the summer, I would have a fancy place to go,

On one hot summer day,

I got off, and away,

My quaint cabin was stolen, and I had lost all my doe.

I LOVED AND I GOT GONGED

There are dirty diapers in the morning, and all day long,

Dirty diapers, dirty diapers, I did something wrong,

I use to be in my fish boat,

All day long, I'd relax and float,

Then I spied a beauty on the beach, and life gave me a gong.

31325

CAPTAIN MANGO TOO

There was a starship captain, named Captain Mango Too,

Everywhere the Captain went, he brought along his crew,

One night drinking on planet Mars,

They all got in fights at the bars,

They woke next day in a jail cell, all drenched in puke and poo.

31224

BARRY OWNS A BEASTIE

Barry owns a beastie and Barry named him Little Lee,

Barry found Little Lee in the swamps, eating tic and flea,

Do not know where to begin,

Barry now has clean, nice skin,

The beastie keeps Barry clean;  clings to Barry like a tree.

I GET PAID IN FREE COUPONS

My employer pays in percent off pizza coupons, he gets for free,

I wish I had some real money, so a pizza I could one day see,

Now the toilet has a clog,

Coupons, make a solid slog,

I work for coupon toilet paper, the kids can't flush out to sea.

AI AND THE LAMER GAMER

An AI invaded my Android and ruined every game,

I spent time and money uploading, now every game is lame,

I got stressed out so much,

With reality, I lost all touch,

I just sit before a candle, staring at the flickering flame.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART TWO

Invaders from space cut and laid massive stone blocks,

They stacked them real high, like a toddler stacks toy blocks,

Traveled billions of miles in space,

They were so stupid in this case,

I showed them rebar and concrete on some Tic Toks.

STUPID INVADERS FROM SPACE PART I

Invaders from space built a massive pyramid in my yard,

It was a marker for spacecraft, so landings were soft, not hard,

Then I thought "what a big, awful mess",

I taught the invaders, GPS,

The invaders were so happy, they sent a nice thank you card.

THE SNAKE IN THE POOL LIMERICK

A snake fell into my swimming pool,

I guess he wanted to feel real cool,

He chased us all away,

On a hot summer day,

Now "no snakes in the pool" is the rule.

HEMORRHOIDS ARE DESTROYERS OF THE WORLD

Some wanted the world destroyed,

Some put such feelings, on avoid,

Then we all got nuked, 

Radiation we puked,

Just because a dictator had a hemorrhoid.

FARE-THEE-WELL,TURTLE

Fare-the-well, little turtle, as you cross the busy road,

You're being watched by others, including a fox and toad,

Because you do not move real fast,

The toad is seeing, if you'll last,

The fox just loves to see thee, turtle; he's in dinner mode.

31124

THE TOMATO JUICE PHILOSOPHER

I went and bought tomato juice, and drank it from the jar,

I got pulled over by the police, for drink-driving my car,

I could not make bail,

Spent twenty years in jail,

Wife left me for a donut maker; my, ain't life bizarre

I KISSED A BLUE DRAGON

I kissed a blue dragon, and it stung me on the lips,

I swear that the poison went straight to my hips,

It hurt my hips bad,

My eyes teared up sad,

Now I drink with a straw: the only way I get sips.

THERE ONCE WAS A TALENTED OTTER LIMERICK

There once was a talented otter,
He worked as a spinning wheel clay potter,
His kiln blew up one day,
And his house burned away,
He had tried making his kiln burn much hotter.

102723

VAMPIRE POEM

In the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heaven or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengeance is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

9921

PETER VOWS, BREAKS AND CRACKS

It was Pete's destiny to fall out of his bed,

Break three major ribs, and put a crack in his head,

It was the first day in May,

Pete's announced, big wedding day,

Pete made it to church, where wedding vows were well said.

WHAT KIND OF DANCING DID DOH DAH DO?

Doh Dah was a dancer up in Canada, Sault Ste. Marie,

Every time Doh Dah danced, the police came to arrest, he,

Doh Dah had a club,

He leased as a sub,

It violated zoning laws, so Doh Dah was seldom free.

MUTINY IN THE STEW

I went fishing for a dogfish,

But, all I caught was another log-fish,

So, I fed my crew,

Some log-fish stew,

They mutinied after a sword swish.

MARTY THE SMARTY WANTS YOU FOR DINNER

Marty the great physicist, was a mathematics big deal,

But none of his equations, could predict what was real and unreal,

It racked Marty in his big brain,

He became completely insane,

His conviction for cannibalism, is in court on appeal.

YOU CAN WADDLE FOR FREE

My bicycle got ran over by a big truck,

A good fix would cost me many a saw buck,

My bike's in the trash,

I saved lots of cash,

Now I just walk, more like waddle, like a duck.

I DON'T FEED THE LIONS, MAYBE?

When I see a nasty old mountain lion, I run fast away,

When I get back to my crumbling shack, in my shack I all day stay,

Mountain lions love to bite,

Then haul your caucus off site,

Lions feed you to their kitties, so they grow up to hunt one day.

3824

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

51722

DON'T VISIT OFF WORLDERS, UNLESS YOU'RE INVITED

My big brother was vaporized, out in space,

He went calling there, upon an alien race,

There was a picture pattern,

Way out on planet Saturn,

But the aliens didn't like my brother's face.

PET DRAGONS EAT PEASANTS AND NOBLES

My big pet dragon, he just eats and he eats,

Dragon eats one peasant, and then he repeats,

I'm running out of my peasants,

He won't eat cows, pigs or pheasants,

I fear he'll eye me, and my family, as meats.

3724

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.