I GOT MY PHONE AND MY FREEDOM, NOW ALL I NEED IS LOVE

It was the first day of October month, and my true love says to me,

"Go out and get a job today, or I am smashing your color tv,"

I did not like the mean tone,

Since, the tv is my phone,

So, now I live roofless on the streets,  but from my boyfriend, I am free.

AT WORK I TAPER OFF

Everyday I go to my terrible job,
Where the boss treats me like I'm a dumb slob,
And although you might scoff,
At work I taper off,
With each day a few hours I rob.

MY KITTY CAT

My kitty cat is a nasty yellow cur,
At me he hisses, but with others he’ll purr,
He really hates the hand that feeds,
He scratches me for fulfilling his needs,
I hope he chokes on his ball of yellow fur.

PETE THE OGRE PROTECTED HIS STASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak round,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The thief would run off with a whiplash.

THE HARVEST MOON CHANGES PETER INTO A BIG RIGGER

The Harvest Moon rose, and was so very bright, and super big,

Pete was blinded and could not do homework, for his class in trig,

Well, Pete rested a slight spell,

On failing trig, Pete did dwell,

So, Pete chose to drop out of college, now he drives a big rig.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
They married and moved to Peru.

THE BIGFOOT IN THE TIMBERED AISLES

Deep within the timbered aisles,

Lies the Bigfoot with his wiles,

Look all you want,

He's unseen and will taunt,

Leaving his hair, prints and piles.
 

I WENT QUEENING

I went to Kalkaska, to visit the queen,

She was not there, but she left her trampoline,

I did a  jumpity jumped,

Until the ceiling I bumped,

I bumped so hard, my DNA lost a gene.

THE FALCON-CHICKEN STORY

There was a falcon big and true,
He watched Jimbo's chickens from a tree limb view,
Jimbo had a rooster, chick and hen,
In a topless chicken pen,
Now, the roster's gone and Jimbo's chickens number two.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

POOR TODD OF TOOTVILLE

Poor Todd of Tootville City,

His tooter plugged and he received no pity,

In the band Todd's horn didn't toot,

So, he received the boot,

Now, he's famous because of this ditty.

BIG MEAN SISTER SHOULD BE NICER

My meanest, biggest sister pushed toward the door,

Stumbling, I slipped and slapped my face on the floor,

It made such a mess,

Bloodied my new dress,

I won't make you sick, with the rest of the gore.

HEXED IN SPACE

Leon went and bought some blue birdie, hard sugar candy,

Using money he got from the hot lands where it's sandy,

Leon was afraid of a Halloween hex,

So he launched his spaceship toward red planet X,

But, Leon's hex played in his head, "Yankee Doodle Dandy".

THE LITTLE SQUIRT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO MARS

Leon came to see me, but I didn't say a single word,

I saw 4 people walk past him, and each gave him the bird,

I knew his feelings were badly hurt,

He lost his rocket, called little squirt,

His rocket was unpopular, and he thought that absurd.

THE PHAMPHLETEERS

They hand out Pamphlets all day and all night,

About finding bedbugs, and treating their bite,

The greatest bedbug fears,

Are those brave phamfleteers,

That's why bedbugs keep hiding, just out of sight.

DENNY PAINTED POTS

Denny the pot painter was famous in these parts,

His purple painted pots, won the pot critics hearts,

He was a great painter,

Of the pot container,

For extra money, he would clean grocery carts.

THE PAINTER OF DOORS

There was a girl named Goldie Brown,

Her hair was red, like Bozo The Clown,

She slept and ate meals,

In her Ford four wheels,

Painting doors, as she drove town to town.

 

THE CARROT FARMER GOES NUTS

After creepy Mitch harvested all of his carrots,

He found no room in the house, for two squawking parrots,

Mitch left the parrots outside,

The parrots both froze and died,

Mitch dined on parrot pie, with his two silent ferrets.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

WOODENPECKERS AND TERMITES

I found a pile of termite turds,

I was quite unnerved, a loss for words,

I used some termite spray,

Termites, went went away,

Now, I'm troubled by peckerwood birds.

HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE LIMERICK

At hunting camp we hunted for ducks,
But, the license costs really big bucks,
So, what could we loose?
If violating we choose,
Now, we’re in jail and that really sucks.

MY BLUE SEA-HORSEY FRIEND

My blue sea-horsey was not true,

He was more gray than he was blue,

But, I gave no spanking,

With a friendship down-ranking,

Still best friends no matter species or hue. 

TOILET PAPER VERSUS RINSING.

When the restaurant ran out of toilet paper, everyone rinsed in the sink,

When the sink was full and smelly, they used the fountain where we all use to drink,

I had one can of spray,

It did not last all day,

The health department wrote sixty citations, and used up ten pens of red ink.

I SUE OVER APPLE WARTS

I found a wart on my apple, while drinking homemade port,

So, I thought I'd take the apple maker, to small claims court,

The apple maker was a tree,

He apologized to me,

He said usually warts on apples, are found when we sort.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEDS

Goldilocks went to a hotel, and rented a bedroom, with a bed,

But, she couldn't sleep on it, because the pillow hurt her head,

She asked, and got another room,

Fine bed, but next door was a boxed boom,

Next room, nice bed, but she had to share with a hoodie, some called, Red. 

REGARDING TUNA FISH

Regarding tuna fish, I was it's biggest fan,
Until yesterday, when I opened up a can,
It was just fins and bones,
And scales of all tones,
Maybe, I shouldn't buy the cheaper store brand.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

ODE TO THE BOVINE

It was a nice and sunny day,

So I went outside to play,

Found some cows and gave them hay,

They said, "get lost...", and I obey,

At night, inside the house I stay,

THE ZOMBIE IN THE APPLE TREE II

There was a big zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Now, he is terrorising glass jars, in my pantry,

He's eating all the canned pears,

And, those canned diced, carrot squares,

I no longer need the stores, he ate my family.

A ZOMBIE IN MY APPLE TREE

There was a zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Chewing on the bones of my little collie,

I called him a brat,

Told him to scat,

He just kept chewing, and looked funny at me.

MICHIGAN ZOMBIE RUNS

In Michigan the zombies all carry guns,

They smell really bad, and don't understand puns,

Like all zombies, they bite,

With no teeth, they bite lite,

And, their cheap beer gives the zombies the runs.

PUT THE SQUEEZE ON TOOTH PASTE TUBE

I think that it is a tremendous waste,
Because I can't squeeze out all of my tooth paste,
The tube is so long,
And I am not strong,
Time is short, I'll open a new tube with haste.

THE URBAN DICTIONARY AND MY DRINKING

The urban dictionary, I dunno,

The words infest my brain, then start to grow,

I went to my old pub,

Now, labeled a hub,

They're still asking for the tab that I owe.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

WITCH SPELLING FUN, AND ZITS

Donny liked to eat a pan of bacon grease, fried grits,

But, every time he ate them, Donny broke out with big zits,

So, Donny got a witch to cast a spell,

It cleared his blemishes, very well,

But, Donny got a side affect, tuna fish smelling arm pits.

FISHING FOR GILDA

I had one worm in the bucket, but needed to catch two fish,

I broke the worm in half, and with each half made a different wish,

I caught a sunfish, I caught a big perch,

I had fish for my cats, Gilda and Lerch,

But, what I had wished for, was a raise, and a satellite dish.

STROBING MAKES EYEBALLS REALLY SOAR

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star,

A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car,

Some call it a strobe light,

A rave party delight,

Strobe driving hurts Ned's eyeballs, he can't drive far. 

ENDOMORPH

APPLES FOR DEAR MEAT

Benny went out to pick apples, this day,

So the winter famine, Benny could keep away,

But, the apples were gone,

Ate by a doe and her fawn,

So, Benny chews on venison all day.

BELL'S WISHING WELL TO HELL

I knew a pretty, young witch named, Wanda Bell,

She wished up demons from her deep wishing well,

One gave pa a pox,

Caused ma to detox,

I took one of Bell's demons to show and tell.

THE CARP EYE ON PAUL

There was a salmon named Paul,

He liked to jump the waterfall,

Salmon girlfriends, he had many,

But, caught the eye of the carp, Jenny,

And, Jenny was no salmon at all.

LIFE ROUNDED BY TOOTHPASTE

I have toothpaste after breakfast then, more toothpaste after lunch,

I have my last toothpaste, before I do the pillow punch,

I live life around toothpaste,

Some say that's a great waste,

But, I chew my steak much easier; just a hunch. 

SPEED KILLED THE SNOWMAN

I ran over a snowman going too fast on my snowmobile,

I was sentenced to 1,000 snow days with no possible appeal,

So, I stayed home 1,000 days,

Watching television plays,

I also wrote a letter saying how ashamed I feel.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

FLYING PIG LIMERICK

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?,"

I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,

They strap on firecrackers that night,

Then, they light them and fly out of sight, 

When the bombs burst bacon falls from the sky. 

  

I BOUGHT SOME STOCK LIMERICKS

I bought some stock and hoped for a pop,
But, I watched the stock price drop, drop, drop,
How could anyone know?
How low it would go,
At least at zero the price fall did stop.

I bought a stock and the price went violently down,
I ended up with a penny though I started with a crown,
The losses were so bleak.
When it is profit that I seek,
I lost my crib and will have to leave town.

I invested in stock and boy was I wrong,
Now I sit on a corner begging food for a song,
The market is bad,
It made me feel really sad,
I should have sold short but, instead I went long.

THE THREE SIBLINGS WERE UP TO NO GOOD

The three siblings told their ma, they were off to pick flowers,

It was just a lie, so the siblings could slip away for hours,

They went dolly shopping that day,

They each bought a Barbie, for play,

They could afford only one Ken doll, so he got bestowed super powers.

I'LL MAKE MY KIDS SO STUPID, THEY'LL TURNOUT JUST LIKE ME

My kids didn't respect me, because their learning went too far,

So, I banned them from the internet, and bought them a VCR,

All their books I had to burn,

Keeping them stupid, is my greatest concern,

Now they'll become just like me, and trade info at the bar.

FLIES IN THE PIE SAFE

My pie safe was filled up with pies,
And, the pies were covered with flies,
Although my deserts looked like doom,
Guests filled my dining room,
So, for desert I substituted French fries.

 

THERE WERE THREE LITTLE MICE ALL NAMED PERCY

There were three little mice all named Percy,
They attacked a nutty cheese ball without mercy,
When the cheese ball made them sick,
Then, they realized real quick,
That they'd need someone to drive them in a hearsey.

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

MY FAMILY MAKES ME SO SICK I WON'T EAT

Jerry the rabbit is always picking his big nose,

He picks and he picks, until the red blood freely flows,

He does it at the dinner table,

It makes my appetite, disable,

And, my pet monkey Trish, eats the jams between her toes.

CRANKY THE BIG BOSS, GOT CRANKED

Cranky liked bragging about all the vast riches he had,

He liked running his workers down, to make them feel real sad,

Hurting worker feelings was his sport,

Especially, since they didn't dare retort,

Then one day no one came to work, and Cranky got real mad.

I'LL GO BACK TO SCHOOL WEARING SATIN

I went shopping, but, I got ever, so boardy, board,

Dollar store tea cozies, is all I can affordy, afford,

I saw a nice satin jacket,

But, my finances won't hack it,

Unless, I get a mommy loan, working out an accord.

I WITCHY CURSED WITH MY SPELLS

I was learning to cast black witchy spells,

Along came these anti-speller do wells,

They tethered me to a tree,

To burn the witch out of me,

Through the flames, an awesome curse, I done yells.

A SPACE ALIEN POEM

A flying saucer landed in my yard,
It really caught me way off guard,
Especially when out popped two green men,
Both were tall and very thin,

Perhaps it was a grievous sin,
I didn’t fight because I could not win,
So, I decided to invite them in,
For a glass of beer and a late din din,

They ate some chicken and drank my beer,
All the while I shook in fear,
What I feared most was an alien probe,
I just wished they’d leave my simple adobe,

The aliens chewed and spit out my best cheese,
After that they seemed at ease,
I hoped my dinner did appease,
But, just in case I got down on my knees,

Finally, one of the aliens spoke,
He said my planet was just a big joke,
He said that my food and spirits were o.k.
So, my planet was spared for another day,

They said that every alien race,
Would likely visit my very place,
The food was edible and the beer was good,
The bathrooms were cleaned like a hotel should,

The aliens stole my towels and stole my soap,
Even the soap that hung on a rope,
They jumped in their saucer and sped fast away,
But, more came for dinner the very next day.

GEORGE BUILT A TEMPLE

George built a small temple, to worship a big tree,

It was built out of the wood, called mahogany,

George worshipped a white pine,

It had needles, real fine,

George boiled the needles to make vitamin tea.

DADDY, MOMMY, US KIDS, AND PEE

Mommy got two strips of bacon, but daddy got four,

Us kids, only got oatmeal, then shoved out the door,

Us kids are aware,

Society is unfair,

I have to sleep with brother Jim, and he pee and he snore.

THE UGLY BUG

Miller is a real big ugly bug,
Who wants to see his ugly mug?
It is no surprise,
Miller has bug eyes,
When a larvae, he slimmed like a slug.

IGNORANCE ISN'T JUST BLISS, IT'S THE LAW

At our schools, we got rid of all of the books,

We know all smart people are nothing, but crooks,

We replaced all the teachers, 

With porn stars with fit features,

We're teaching, the only thing that counts are good looks.

TO KEEP MY KIDS FROM LEARNING, I DID A BOOK BURNING

I burned the books in my house, and what did I get?

Three sons in the jail, and they each have a dimwit,

They turned out, not to be bright,

Can barely read, and can't write,

And, their mathematics skills, ain't worth a plum spit.

MY HARVEST SACRIFICE 2023

I went out under the full moon named Harvey,

There was a good crop of maze, so no one would starvey,

I took an old tire,

Made a fire pyre,

And, sacrificed my doll house, and my Barbie.

A RECKONING FOR THE PIGS

The pigs chased all the hens out of the chicken coup,

The pigs ate all the eggs, then made chicken nest soup,

The poor chickens were really sad,

Because the pigs behaved so bad,

So the farmer short chained the pigs, to his back stoop.

THREE PIGS IN A PICKLE

A giant pickle laid on the ground,
Worms hollowed it out but, the walls were still sound,
Then, three little pigs,
Made the pickle their digs,
With rent being two pence and one pound.  

VEGETARIANISM SCHISM.

Some plants grow very high, some plants grow very low,

Some plants have cute fruits, some have fat tubers below,

Some plants make you sick,

And, they'll ghost you real quick,

I'd rather eat burgers, and chop plants with my hoe.

BENNY AND THE SALMON RUN

Benny was waiting, with his bow, arrows and quiver,

As the mighty king salmon, went running up river,

Benny took an easy shot,

At a big salmon, half-rot,

Shooting dead fish, made meals easier to deliver.

I CAUGHT A SALMON

I caught a salmon, in the early fall

It was off a pier, near an old strip mall,

I will often shop there,

Buy color, for my hair,

And buy nails, to hang my fish on the wall.

THE THREE SIBLINGS RETURN

The three siblings were allowed back into the school,

They had been suspended, for breaking every rule,

Restricted to gym classes,

Forbidden, toilet passes,

They said mean things to teacher, and he cried like a fool.

THERE WAS A BULLDOG NAMED TODD

There was a bulldog named Todd,
He drove a bright green hot rod,
Todd drove it too fast,
Left the road when he passed,
Now Todd has a broken up bod.

Todd the bulldog liked his candy,
He would keep his candy handy,
He buried it deep,
Where it would keep,
But, it was gritty and sandy.

THE SIBLINGS GO BACK TO SCHOOL LIMERICK

Siblings Sloppy, Lazy and Careless, decided to go to school,

Sloppy, Lazy and Careless, didn't like those adults chosen to rule,

Yet, they became teacher's pets,

Learned mathematical sets,

But, were expelled when they all peed, in the just cleaned, school swimming pool.

FROGS FROM BOGS AND WILD DOGS

I came upon some smelly, white spotted frogs,

They smelled bad, because they lived in the low bogs,

I gave one a slight touch,

But, it was still, too much,

I was poisoned dead, then ate by feral dogs.

MOMMY DIDN'T LIKE THE GOAL OF THE TROLL

My sister was dating a troll,

Making more trolls, was his only goal,

Mommy chased him away,

With her special stare-ray,

That cut into his dark, ugly soul.

FAKE ANTIQUES AND THE MAIL

Late last night they took me to jail,

For selling fake antiques via the mail,

So, I sat there for hours,

Beneath the watch of guard towers,

Until, my step-brother posted my bail.

I WENT FISHING OUT ON A LAKE MICHIGAN REEF-LIMERICK

I went fishing out on a Lake Michigan Reef,
All I caught was a side of roast beef,
I then caught a fresh ham,
And, a large can of Spam,
The fish that day suffered no grief.

MY ONLINE SHOPPING EXPERIENCE

At night I like to eat pork,
With wine that comes with a cork,
Then I'll eat a plate of fried chicken,
As online buys I am clickin',
My mouse gets greasy, since I don't use a fork.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON III

The drunken dragon fell into the sea,

It put out his light, and the cold made him pee,

There was no fire in his breath,

He was drowning to death,

But, I saved him, because I'm his buddy.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON II

My bud Harvey, is a big drunk, fire breathing dragon,

He drinks way, way too much, and won't chill on the wagon,

Today he drank potater wine,

Burned off a forest, of red pine,

When Harvey sleeps, he sees more stars than Carl Sagon.

THE DRUNKEN DRAGON

My fire breathing drinking bud, drank way, way to much beer,

He was celebrating burning villages; the causation of his cheer,

Well, we took his wings away,

So, on the ground he'd have to stay,

Then he talked about his mommy, and his eyes began to tear.

BATS TO VAMPIRES

An atomic bomb fell on my bat shed,

The bomb went off then my bats were dead,

But under some melting rubber tires,

Some bats became vampires,

Now no one is safe outdoors, or in bed.

MONSTERS AND THEY'RE WAR ON SNORE

Goblins wait at my front door,

Outback, gargoyles sound an endless roar,

In the basement werewolves bang,

While in the attic vampires hang,

They're all upset because I snore.

THE LONG TEETH OF THE VAMPIRES

The vampires were all around and the sun would soon rise,

The long tooths were about to bring on my demise,

Then, the light came at us in waves,

The vamps all returned to their graves,

I got busy, I'm a dentist, surprise!  

MY LITTLE PIG WANTS EGGS

When my little pig makes snort, snort, snort, snorts,

Then, I feed him some slop in mason jar quarts,

Some days he wants eggs,

And he beg, beg, beg, begs,

But, he gets none, unless he tries out for sports.

THE SEVEN TERMITES FROM HELL

The seven termites from hell,
Ate away on my wood wishing well,
Then, when the weather got hotter,
The well wouldn't hold any water,
The well just withered to sawdust and fell,

The seven termites from hell,
Ate on my home, until there, we couldn't dwell,
The walls caved in on dad,
Which made my mom sad,
Unfortunately, it was too late to sell.

A WRECKER FOR MY POGO STICK

My pogo stick got stuck in the snow,
Then, over I went when the cold wind did blow,
 The snowbank was cold,
And, I'm getting real old,
So, I called for a wrecker and tow.

I LOST MY PHONE AND BLEW A GASKET, AND ENDED UP INSIDE A CASKET

When I lost my cell phone, I knew I was screw-doomed,

My brain arteries burst, and my heart boom, boom, boomed,

I knew I was bone, cold dead,

When I saw late uncle Fred,

And, late Aunt Nyla showed me, where I was entombed.

Leon's DOCTOR SAID

Leon's doctor said, Leon's guts were tied up in knots,

He said food in Leon's belly, just lays there and rots,

He said Leon hadn't long to live,

Without a real strong laxative,

And, that Leon should invest in, some really deep pots.

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME

My algorithms are not good,

The doctor told me that I should,

Stop eating pot pies,

Try some exercise,

Pay him with cash, and not firewood.

THE EVIL SPACE TRAPEZOID IN OUTER SPACE

I once found a trapezoid floating in outer space, 

It was coming for us humans, to de-geometry our race,

I shot it with my laser ray,

It was destroyed; I saved the day,

I still remember that trapezoid, and the angle on it's face. 

THE LITTLE RAT IN THE BARN

I found a small rat out in the cow barn, and made it my best pet,

I fed it lots of fruit and corn, and got it shots down at the vet,

My little rat, he  grew and he grew,

He was off to college, before I knew,

My little rat became a surgeon, paid off the farm, now I'm set.

BARB'S BEE DEGREE

Barb got a post-doctoral degree,

By studying the insect called  a bee,

Of course, I thought it real funny,

But Barb got me lots of free honey,

Which sweetens my bun during tea.

DOWN RIVER TO THE STUD

My roommate left the water on, after he washed off his crud,

It turned into a little river, that turned into a flood,

Our little apartment fell away,

Into the room where the landlord lay,

He was with several girlfriends, because he was a stud.

THE STUPIDEST LIMERICK I HAVE EVER WROTE PART IV

I was a slop slob and spilled all over, my root beer float,

So, I had to turn inside out, my reversible coat,

The color is a bright, bright yellow,

I was a noticeable fellow,

I made a note in my journal, and it's all that I wrote.

THE MARS RAVE THAT NEVER WAS

I went to a rave party, way up on old planet mars,

They don't have combustion engines, so they don't drive earth cars,

The breakdown of our transport,

Meant our rave, we did abort,

And, we walked back to the space station, heads tucked into jars.

FANCY DRESS AND FIX YOUR HAIR, BUT DO NOT EAT THE PIGS

I am very afraid, and hiding out, down deep in my digs,

It's the end of summer, and people are all roasting us pigs,

We kindly pigs are forsaken,

So, I'm protecting my bacon,

Soon, busy people will fancy dress,  and saloon their nice wigs.

ME AND MICKEY DOWN BY THE SEASIDE

Me and Mickey were pals, and we always sat by the sea,

Watching the sunsets, dreaming of what the next day might be,

One day Mickey didn't show,

For mature, he did grow,

Now, Mickey spends all his sunsets, with his growing family.

HUNTING KILLER POTATOES

I don't know what happened, but my potatoes went feral,

They grew big mouths with big teeth, and ate my sister, Carol,

They ate my dad and my mum,

And, drank half of my rum,

The way that I'll stop them, is with lead from my gun barrel.

MOZART ON THE DIDGERIDOO

I heard Mozart played on a didgeridoo,

It was something different, something quite new,

I heard The Magic Flute,

On a doo, not a toot,

The doo played an encore, it was Love Is Blue.

#Love Is Blue, composed by by Paul Mauriat

FARE THEE WELL YOUNG JIMMY YONG

Young Jimmy got bit by a bad tick,

And, the tic bite made Jimmy so sick,

It was one hot summer day,

We laid in sand by the bay,

Just a bite, and my Jimmy went quick.

MY EX AND SOCIAL DEATH

A split was what my ex and I  each thought that we would need,

To turn around our lives and then, with the relationship proceed,

I embraced meditation but, my ex did a different deed,

My ex gave false witness against my soul on their social media feed,

Now, I'm not welcomed anywhere for a coffee or a meade.

CYRUS LIKES TO.LOOK NICE, MORE

Jimmy dreams of pumpkin and pie,

Dean dreams of peanuts, roasted dry,

Harry dreams of almond milk,

Cyrus dreams of shirts, all silk,

They all dream of food, except Cy.

MR. TIM THE WOODCHUCK LIMERICK

Mr. Tim the woodchuck ate fruit and salad,
Then, he'd belly-up to the piano and write a ballad,
His musical abilities were self-taught,
All his tunes were quickly bought,
Showing his talents were not a hoax but were valid.

GINGERBREAD COOKIES

I love my cookies of sweet gingerbread,

The gingerbread flavor goes right to my head,

Cookies of molasses,

Bloats bellies with gasses,

Yet, gingerbread cookies makes one feel well fed.

MY GARGOYL SCAT ON THE FLOOR💩

My gargoyle ripped up my homework, then chowed down poor auntie Bess,

My gargoyle was a real jerk, and on the floor, left a big scat mess,

He has a litter box,

Shared with my kitty, Rox,

My teacher won't believe me about my homework, so I'll lie, I guess.

JENNY BOUGHT A USED SNOWMOBILE LIMERICK

Jenny bought a used snowmobile from Dix,
But, he did not tell all the things to fix,
It had spent last winter underwater,
As a second home for Mr. Otter,
Of course, lake bottoms and snowmobiles don’t mix.

GO GET 'EM DARYL

Daryl rubbed alcohol into a raw cut, and boy, did Daryl scream,

The only way to calm him down, was a dish of chocolate ice cream,

Daryl was a simple lad,

Didn't understand, good or bad,

But, coach said Daryl was a great asset, to the JV football team.

PROGRESS THROUGH CHEMISTRY

I would patron the diner way up on the hill,

It had the pretentious name, The Toxic Chemical Spill,

It was a chemical dump,

Now, I'm growing a bump,

And, the treatments are making me ill.

MY TOASTER DID NOT TOAST TOO WELL

My toaster did not toast too well,
It toasted mom's toast too toasty to jell,
So, I spread peanut butter,
Then, served it to mutter,
Who, disappointed, gave me a good yell.

PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS, WARTS AND FARIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Part-time Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I hate to say it, but I'm predicting that this month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan.  I am recommending that everyone should take it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally end.  And, once this heatwave ends then you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear weapons to sell to unstable governments, like Ohio.  Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot easier to do it once the weather cools down.

Of course, as hot as it's going to be next month I am personally glad last month is over.  You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index finger.  It was one of those big warts with the big long curly hair sticking out of it.  It was really nasty to look at it.  And, guess how I got it.  I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and refused to come out. 

You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is actually right next to mine).  The bourbon Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern, who works at a local distillery.  I told her that the whiskey was too expensive to just share with me, but she said her son got it cheap using his employee discount.  Personally, knowing Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was sharing her bottle with me, so who am I to point that out. 

 Well, we were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's nose.   Now, Julia was in shock but, just for a moment.  Julia works for a divorce lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and keep her rattled.  So, after the initial shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril to force the little fella out.  Well, no matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily yanked him out of poor Julia's nose. 

Of course, the fairy was really mad about what I had done and he started buzzing all around me, then suddenly he reached in his leotards into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust and sprinkled it on my hand.  Well, no sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my skin.  The fairy then stuck out his tongue, and sped off to harass some other people, no doubt. 

Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy went up her nose.  Most fairies are little psychopaths, and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they do.  Every time you come across one they are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store.  I'm also going to stop knocking down spider webs I come across, because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy population under control. 

SPACE ALIENS ARE WELCOMED IF THEY DON'T CROP-CIRCLE

I beat my swords into ploughshares  but, kept a few spears,

For fear space aliens might crop-circle my ears,

I figure my pointy sticks,

Shows the aliens were not hicks,

So, they'll leave my crops alone and buy some pizzas and beers.

THE DARDEVLE CAUGHT THE MONSTER

I used the mighty Dardevle to catch me a big fish,

It was an enormous pike, and was a bucket list wish,

It darn near snapped, my wire line,

But, an intervention divine,

A lightning strike on the pike, fried the fish for my dish.

TEETH YANKERS: A FAMILY BUSINESS SUCCESS STORY

I bought me some pliers and set up a fair booth,

I was charging $20 to yank out a tooth,

If you pay $60 for three,

The fourth pulled is free,

If your kid needs one pulled, see my 12 year old, Ruth.

AFTER DOING THE DISHES I SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES BECAUSE, I GOT DRUNK, FELL OFF MY BOAT AND I DROWNED

In life I accomplished my two biggest wishes,

One, to quit my job at the golf club doing dishes,

Two, I lived on a boat in the bay,

Where I'd party all night and all day,

Alas:  I fell overboard now, I sleeps with the fishes.

MY NEIGHBOR, SNEAKY

My neighbor is up to no good,

He's sneaking around my neighborhood,

A temporary renter,

Who likes to break and enter,

He sneaks up on me, more than he should.

WED WHITENING-WOOD

Whitening and Wood were wed,
Then, they stayed in Wood's parent's back shed,
Although the rent was real cheap,
In the cold air would creep,
So, the wood stove was constantly feed.

MY BROTHER'S FROM A DOGGY WORLD

My brother comes from the planet Rin Tin Tin,

That's why he smells like a dog and not men,

He also has fleas,

Mouth-catches bees,

And, pees on ma's trees:  that's a sin.

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE, A BABOON

I went to the zoo, and they tossed me into a cage,

They signed me as a "Baboon", and that filled me with rage,

Then they brought me a nice mate,

And I figured it my fate,

So, a baboon I will play on life's stage.

GOING TO THE FAIR

I went to ride rides at the fair,

I road the big ferris wheel, that was there,

When I heard rattles and clickin'

I started feeling real chicken,

More so, as I plunged through the air.

MY TRAILER IS LIKE A SPACESHIP, RIGHT?

I built a massive space rocket, and it exploded, right in my face,

Now, amongst all the of rocketeers, I am laughed at; a big disgrace,

So, now I just create fireworks,

I won't  be joining the Captain Kirks,

Instead of running NASA, I have a travel trailer for my base.

SILVERY SUE, MY ANGEL IN THE LAKE

Silvery Sue was my all time, favorite pet snake,

Wherever I went, my Silvery Sue I would take,

One day, she challenged a wide tire,

She had no experience, prior,

I scraped up Silvery Sue, and tossed her in the lake.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

 

COMPETING WITH ZOMBIES IN TGE WORKPLACE

I guess zombies are good at coding, at least that's what everybody says,

I didn't think zombies did much, but eat brains and snack on Pez,

Stick an AI in a zombie head,

And, they will code until their eyes aren't red,

Zombie coders find good jobs, because they have an awesome res.

WHAT THE FAMILY WANTS FROM THE GROCERY STORE

I went to the grocery store to buy burger and grits,

Then, I remembered my daughter wanted pimple cream for her zits,

My son wanted eggs and bacon,

Because his muscle development hasn't taken,

And, my wife wants some new oven mitts.

NIGHTMARE FAIR

Vic rode on the merry go round at the big county fair,

Vic rode on a huge chicken, a horse, a duck and a bear,

The critters Vic did not fear,

Even when riding high gear,

But, the operator's stare, gave Vic a bed-wetting scare.

SIMON DOESN'T SAY

I went with Simon to walk through the trees, for hugs,

We saw bears, and birches, and biblical bugs,

Things ugly and pretty,

Lie outside our city,

Life begins and it ends, and at both our heart tugs.

ANOTHER HEATWAVE, HOLIDAY DISASTER

It was so hot out, Jim's coffee couldn't keep ice,

It was so hot out, it killed all Jim's head lice,

His girl, Sweet Polly Sue,

A plastic doll, we all knew,

Had melted, until she didn't look very nice.

JUNGLE BY THE BOOK

Wheezy the cunning barn cat, met Perky the perfect perch,

Wheezy pounced on and ate perky, then resumed her pond search,

Then, Wheezy met cobra,

He was some Casanova,

He gave Wheezy a hickey, then she slept under the birch.