By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Associate Part-time Contributor,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications
I hate to say it, but I'm predicting that this
month will be terribly hot and dry in Northern Michigan. I am recommending that everyone should take
it easy until Labor Day is over and then maybe this heatwave will finally
end. And, once this heatwave ends then
you can go back to flipping burgers, or washing windows or building nuclear
weapons to sell to unstable governments, like Ohio. Whatever your line of work, it will be a lot
easier to do it once the weather cools down.
Of course, as hot as it's going to be next month I
am personally glad last month is over.
You see, I had to have a big horrible wart removed from my index
finger. It was one of those big warts
with the big long curly hair sticking out of it. It was really nasty to look at it. And, guess how I got it. I got it when I tried to help my friend Julia
get rid of the awful little creature that flew up Julia's left nostril and
refused to come out.
You see it happened when Julia and I were sipping
bourbon while sitting out on lawn chairs behind our trailers (her trailer is
actually right next to mine). The bourbon
Julia had gotten for a Mother’s Day gift from her son Vern, who works at a local
distillery. I told her that the whiskey
was too expensive to just share with me, but she said her son got it cheap using
his employee discount. Personally, knowing
Vern, he got the whiskey for free using a five finger discount but, she was
sharing her bottle with me, so who am I to point that out.
Well, we
were both outside sipping on that expensive whiskey and enjoying the nice
breeze when along comes this fairy and he flies directly up poor Julia's
nose. Now, Julia was in shock but, just
for a moment. Julia works for a divorce
lawyer and she's seen and heard about everything so, it takes a lot to get and
keep her rattled. So, after the initial
shock had worn off Julia proceeded to try to blow the little fairy out of her
nose; even going to the extent of pressing one finger against her right nostril
to block the air passage so that more pressure would be exerted in the left nostril
to force the little fella out. Well, no
matter how hard Julia tried blowing her nose the little critter just would not
leave so, I went into my trailer and came back out with a pair of tweezers and
proceeded to grab the little fairy by the seat of his leotards and I easily
yanked him out of poor Julia's nose.
Of course, the fairy was really mad about what I
had done and he started buzzing all around me, then suddenly he reached in his leotards
into I guess what was a pocket, and pulled out a little hand full of fairy dust
and sprinkled it on my hand. Well, no
sooner had he done that and a large wart with big hair in it emerged from my
skin. The fairy then stuck out his tongue, and sped off to harass some other people, no doubt.
Julia and I never did figure out why the fairy
went up her nose. Most fairies are
little psychopaths, and there is often neither rhyme nor reason to anything they
do. Every time you come across one they
are nothing but trouble and that's why I'm going to get myself one of those
fairy swatters the next time I go to the dollar store. I'm also going to stop knocking down spider
webs I come across, because spiders are usually pretty effective at keeping the fairy
population under control.
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