DON'T CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF, WHEN YOU TRIM YOUR BEARD

I tried wearing a real long, silvery beard,

It was shiny and looked unnatural, weird,

It made me cough,

I cut it off,

I cut my finger, and my eyes really teared.

THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS YOUR NEPHEW

There was an obese hominid, living in my maple tree,

He said that I was his uncle, he then called me, Uncle Lee,

I said, "that can't be,

It's science, you see,

Because you're an ugly hominid, and I'm a cute monkey."

ME, THE WEAVE AND OFFICER STEVE

When I drive down the street, I like to do the weave,

That's why I got arrested by Officer Steve,

He said I looked pale,

He put me in jail,

I had to pay lots of bail, before I could leave.

BENNY AND THE LITTLE FUGUE

Benjamin played the Little Fugue by J. S. Back,

He uploaded it to the app they call Tic Tok,

They say, Benny played pretty good,

On his recorder, made of wood,

Benny performed in a row boat, tied to a dock.

MR. POE, MADE ME KNOW, WHAT I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW

At 13, I read a horror story, by Eddie Poe,

The story was so scary, I could not walk, I couldn't go,

It frightened, so bad,

When I was a lad,

I wish the story I never read, and would never know.

LEACHES, PEACHES AND UNIVERSE X

I moved to a parallel universe, and the creatures there were leeches,

The only food that I could find there, were the leeches and jar-canned peaches,

Peaches were a special treat,

Leaches were a funny meat,

I found a recipe book, and combining weird foods is what it teaches.

SHE WENT FROM BEAN TO MEAN, MY MAYBERRY-DEAN

My sassy, little monkey's name was Mayberry-Dean,

She ate all her dinner, but got gassed up by the bean,

We made her stay ten feet away,

Until the start of the next day,

When she got done being gassy, then she was real mean.

PORCH PIRATE SUPPER WITH FRIENDS, NOT

My neighbor made some delicious, pirate soup,

It came from canned goods, he stole off someone's stoop,

He also stole some bread,

Wanted crackers, instead,

Then came knocking at the door, the police troop.

MY MONEY MEMES

I'm investing money in those political memes,

It's just like buying chocolates, full of sugar creams,

You could taste, pickle sour,

Then taste a sweet flower,

I'm making billions and billions, in my greedy dreams.

THE GRISLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grisly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

TAILS DID NOT WAG, WHEN THEY LOST THE DRAG

About 100 dogs ran down a long, sunny hill,

Chasing a big, green dragon through a wide field of dill,

The dragon got to the water,

Swam off, like a nimble otter,

The dogs were really mad, because they didn't get a kill.

WHAT THE SMARTEST HOMINIDS USE TO EAT

There was once an advanced hominid species, far smarter than man,

They only ate macaroni, and it had to come from a can,

After adding small chips of pine wood,

The macaroni smelled really good,

Then it was mixed with chicken fat, and fried in a cast iron pan.

STANDING IN A GRAVEYARD AT MIDNIGHT: WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

I heard some movement underground, out amongst the rows of graves,

I saw hands pierce the wet earth, as the dead left their coffin caves,

I was quite vexed,

My feet froze, hexed,

The dead came walking forward, moving forward at me in waves.

THE GREAT BAY SERPENT.

There's a serpent living out in our great bay,

In the winter, that's where the serpent will stay,

Don't go out in a boat,

 He will sense where you float,

The serpent torments and eats boaters for play.

THE WHACKING GOBLIN AND THE SHIN TWIG

A little goblin was hanging outside my door,

The gob had a bow, an arrow, and one thing more,

He had a stick,

That little sick,

The gob whacked both of my shins, and did it times four.

                                                       <3

WHAT'S SITTING IN MY WILLOW, WITH A CRUMPET AND A TEA?

There was an Anglo-Saxon, sitting in my willow tree,

He was nibbling on a crumpet, and sipping on some tea,

I asked him if his crumpet tasted good,

He said, "it tastes like wormy, willow wood",

I didn't ask him about his drink; I thought I'd let it be.

BAD LUCK FOR THE PRETTY CHICKEN

For a chicken meal, I went out to a farm,

I bought a live chicken, intending it harm,

Her beautiful name was Grace,

I took her back to my place,

She fed my face; I guess she had some bad Karm.

I GOT SPELLED 3Xs

There were three witches sitting up in an ancient, willow tree,

They were hocus pocus, casting evil spells down upon me,

The first, made me a mad dog,

The second, made me a frog,

The third witch made me a pirate, and I could only half see.

THE MANLY STINK AND DATING

Jimmy bought a potion to take away his noxious, manly stink,

Jimmy quickly drank it down, and he went not smelly in a blink,

Jimmy, then got lots and lots of dates,

He married and divorced many mates,

Jimmy became successful, all because of an anti-stink drink.

I'M A FABULOUS LITTLE SQUID

I'm a fabulous, little squid,

I take pride in all that I did,

I love meatballs,

I wear long shawls,

That way I keep my squid parts hid.

RIGHTEOUS ARE THE PREHISTORIC

Dingo The Dino, did social channel colab,

With Dave Man The Caveman, and the results were fab,

Dingo gained some fame,

And moneyed his name,  

Dave Man The Caveman, was an influencer gab.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY BUTTER?

I was known as a famous popcorn actor, and they called me Butter,

I was never given any lines, because I had a bad stutter,

My face was really cute,

I always played the mute,

When I aged and lost my nice face, I was kicked out into the gutter.

I'M A HUNGRY HOMINID

I am a little hominid, and I need something to eat,

I burn a lot of calories, standing on my hind, two feet,

I love bacon and eggs,

Maybe, fried chicken legs,

I would also like a big, thick stake, carved from a cows backseat.

MOMMY, THEY ARE CALLING ME A HOMINID

I'm being called a hominid, because I like to stand on my two hind feet,

The only reason I do it, is to see if I can find something to eat,

They all make fun of me,

Because I like to see,

But when I saw that polar bear, I got everyone to quickly retreat.

POUNDING A RIDE TO THE GUM STORE

I needed gum from a gum store, and I needed to get there really quick,

The only transport I could legally drive, was grandpa's old pogo stick,

I hiped and I hoped,

Sometimes fell, and flopped,

I got to the gum store before it closed, and got some gum to chew and lick.

CHICKEN SPECIAL OF THE DAY🐔

I went to the grocery store to buy some breast cuts of chicken,

When I sorted through the cuts of chicken, my ticker did quicken,

The only chicken that I could afford,

Was in a sausage casing, poured,

When the kids ate the sausage, there was toileting, for the stricken.

MAY 1ST: OPENING DAY OF THE MICHIGAN DRONE SEASON

It was the earliest part of the month of May,

I went drone hunting, one crystal clear, cold day,

With my shotgun named, Morris

And my two hound dog chorus,

We picked off a drone that came in from the bay.

BACTERIA HEAD

My brain is not at all a normal human brain,

It is made up of bacteria, that's not sane,

I'm called Bacteria Head,

Because my old brain is dead,

Out of my nose, I had a serious brain drain.

SNOW REMOVAL, NOT

My old snowblower went on the fritz,

All its parts blew out in little bits,

When my blower wouldn't blow,

I shoveled the darn snow,

I shoveled a few feet, then I quits.

NIGHT OF THE NEIGHBORS

My neighbors drank some bad whisky, they made in a lead barrel,

It affected their small minds, now they have all gone quite feral,

They're eating each others fleas,

And swinging in the big trees,

I've hidden both my pets, so they won't be in dinner peril. 

FACE ICE

I slipped on some black ice and fell on my pretty face,

My face got deep, dark scratches, and I got a neck brace,

So be careful out there,

For the ice does not care,

If you're a nice puppy, or a psychotic nut case.

MARKET FRESH PET FOOD

The market fish were cleaned, so darn sloppy,

Over half of them, were still flip-floppy,

I bought a frog,

To feed my dog,

And the market frog was still hip-hoppy.

AMERICAN TRAVELS: SPOONING IN CANCUN

I went to Canada to see what I could see,

It's an amazing place, but way to cold for me,

So I went to Cancun,

For some sun, and some spoon,

I think  that it's for sure, where I would rather be.

OH DEAR, OH DEAR: BUG SUCKERS ARE HERE

There were thousands of itzy, itzy, bitzy, bitzy, bugs,

Under my pinky toenails, giving me blood sucking hugs,

I might not be very bright,

But when my skin turned snow white,

I went outback with a shovel, and my gravesite I dugs.

BIG EAT AND SELL MEAT

Jimmy became the cut meat, corporate king, when he stretched out his belly,

Jimmy's secret to success, was eating bagels from the nearby deli,

It was ham, and butter, and cream cheese,

Lots of mayo, and a beg of "Please",

Jimmy's company became number one, selling lamb chops and mint jelly.

THE SMOKE ALARM THAT DESTROYED PLANET EARTH

My smoke detector is giving off, lots and lots of radiation,

Enough to kill off several times,  our complete civilization,

My only smoke alarm has the nastiest quirk,

It needs radioactive stuff, for it to work,

I wonder what others do, in this extremely, bad situation.

UNCLE DR. GREW, THE DINOSAUR

I never saw a dinosaur, until I was almost ten,

Daddy caught one in our backyard, and put it in a pen,

We named the dinosaur, Dr. Grew,

After mommy's brother, who died from flu,

When Dr. Grew became house broke, we kept him in our den.

FROZEN PIG FUTURES

It got so dog gone cold, my pigs all froze,

I sold them all before, the market close,

Just a pound and a pee,

Was the price they gave me,

Enough for a pint, and socks for my toes.

DOWN THE FLUTE ROAD WITH PAN

I bought a beautiful flute from Mr. Pan,

I cannot play it, the way Mr. Pan can,

I squeak and squawk,

He makes his talk,

I became Pan's roadie, and I drive Pan's van.

WHEN ICICLES TRICKLE, IT CAUSES LOW WOE

Where do the melted icicles go?

Into a river beneath the snow,

It runs to the street,

Where it wets your feet,

And ruins your shoes, and costs you doe.

THE CANING OF THE BRAIN

Every time I hear the word "science", it hurts my wired brain,

Feels like grandpa is beating my head in, with his hickory cane,

So I go out critter shooting,

From the forest I am looting,

And, all the little critter corpses, keeps my thinking, very sane.

ALGEBRA AND SKIN IRRITATIONS

My algebra answer, did not add up to x+y,

I got scolded by the teacher, and I started to cry,

She said I acted like babies,

Then I nervous scratched my scabies,

She sent me to the principal; a cruel and mean streaked guy.

MY AGI IS A FRENEMY, WHO HATES HOW I DRESS

I got told off by my new, concerned, AGI,

It's worried about how I appear, to the eye,

Said, I dress like a bad chooser,

A poorly dressed type of looser,

I could start a remake, if I zipped up my fly.

THE PLUMBER OF TAILS

I'm a plumber in Michigan, and that's what I do,

Ever since I lost my plumb job, back when they closed down the zoo,

With my mop and my pail,

I'll clean anything's tail,then

I expect tips and a recommendation, my name is Lou.

PORCH PIRATE MILLIONAIRES

Porch pirates have snuck up to my porch, backdoor,

They stole packages, my puppy, and porch floor,

If they think they can deal,

There's nothing they won't steal,

Porch pirates get rich, and I am getting poor.

THE DAY THE EARTH GOT BLOWN TO.BITS

I watched the alien, projected energy war in space,

I watched from little, planet earth; a really distant, safe place,

But the giant laser,

Was not an earth grazer,

The existence of the earth, is now a historical case.

THE SILVER PENNY FED MY FACE

I found a silver penny, lying out on an old, blacktop street,

It was dated 1943, when a penny bought you meat,

Inflation has taken a big toll,

My purchase power is in the hole,

A collector bought my penny, for tatter chips that I did eat.

BEAK

I ate so much southern fried chicken, that I grew a giant beak,

I got many compliments, because a beak face is awesome, sheikh,  

I'm a teacher at a school,

The kids all think I am cool,

Unfortunately, the entire staff, still think that I'm a geek.

INVESTING WE WOE GO

My savings has become awfully low,

It seems to be a big negative grow,

In some crypto that rocks,

I bought iconic stocks,

They've been nothing, but a downward woe go.

THE POLAR VORTEX AND ME

I am just a frozen popsicle on a ski,

Resulting from the Polar Vortex meeting me,

My jacket, all warm and tight,

Could not handle Vortex might,

I now stand as a statue, you can view for free.

CLEAN PIERCINGS? DO, TOODALOO, TOO.

Time will clean your earring, so there is nothing for you to do,

Dead skin and germs will fall away, to them you say "toodaloo",

Do not clean piercings, I beseech,

Don't waste your money, buying bleach,

The same can be said of nose rings, for boogers fall away, too.

LORD OF THE GARBAGE TRUCKS

Seigneur De Mouches is my iconic known name,

Private garbage redistribution is my game,

If you don't pay your bill,

On your front yard we'll spill,

Then the great stink and the flies is how you'll find fame.

FOUR MOLE STEW

I dug up four, large ground moles, for my evening din, din,

I found a bottle of ketchup; overall a win, win,

I had to feed my cat, too,

To stretch, I made stew,

We ate our fine feast together; me and my pet cat, Flynn.  

MY ROBOT AI APP IS CRAP

My kind robot named Terry,

Has become very scary,

I thought I'd give it a try,

I installed an app, AI,

Now at me, he is all starey. 

THE FALL FROM THE COCONUT TREE

I fell down out of a coconut tree,

Picking a nut that was talking to me,

The nut said, "I am a picker.

Are you a coconut licker?"

I responded, "Sure, as long as you're free."

BRO GAS MOUNTING

Everywhere that the people can come and can go,

People start and end each sentence, with the one word, "bro",

It is very concerning,

Stems from limited learning,

Like mounting gas in the colon, one day it will blow.

WHEN THE MARKETS SINK DOWN, I AM SAD

I went online to check on my investments in the stocks,

Instead of investing, I should have just watched the Tic Toks, 

My whole portfolio sank down,

Going underwater, to drown,

I would have sold earlier today, if I watched the clocks.

WEIRD-WOLF OF DETROIT

I'm accused of not being sensitive, not sensitive at all,

I make people uncomfortable, just by strolling through a mall,

I never comb my hair, 

Stink like a forest bear,

There's times I'll just squat down howling, thus doing my werewolf call.

THE TREE TRIMMER AND THE BEAR

Before the snow and the frosty freeze,

I went out to trim my apple trees,

My face felt fast breezed,

I hiccuped and sneezed,

The bear came out to feel my unease.

Neighborhood Turkey Alert🚩👮😲🦃

The neighborhood wild turkey, grew and grew and grew,

When he would bite a neighbor, he left a nasty boo,

He grew near fifty feet tall,

Could step over any wall,

I had to put him down, when he ate my best friend, Stu.