WHEN DESPERATE, YOU EAT THE SKIN

I dug taters out of the ground, so I could have some dinner,

Just one tater came from the hole, it was massive, a winner,

But, it was full of worms,

I had come to terms,

I fried the peels in bacon grease, I was a tater skinner.

PSYCHIC THIRTY-FIVE TOES, AND THE BRAIN DEAD FIVE

My favorite foot, is the one with thirty-five toes,

It goes where I want it, like the foot already knows,

The foot with toes, maxed at five,

Acts brain dead, it's not alive,

It really slows me down, giving me scheduling woes.

SNOWBOUND: SQUIRRELS, SOCKS AND NUTS

It's pretty near freezing, and my socks were stolen from me,

They were stolen by squirrels, to haul their nuts up their tree,

As winter cold hits the fan,

Each squirrel and each man,

Know they'd best stock up on food, before the coming white sea.

RANDY THE TUBALEER

Terry is a tubaleer, his tuba sound is Jim dandy,

When Terry plays his tuba, many sing and dance, like Randy,

Randy stomps his two fat feet,

Rocking to the tuba beat,

Terry the great tubaleer, makes music that is ear candy.

WICKED CHILI

Looking under his chair, Jim found himself, a piece of chili,

It was only a single bean, it was furry and frilly,

It tasted uncouth,

It poisoned a tooth,

It made Jimmy have a  sore belly; his colon felt silly.

PET PARK, BAD SHARK, DOGGY BARK

I got bit by a nasty old shark,

In the wading pool at the pet park,

But, there was a doggy,

He looked after, poor me,

The dog chased off the shark with one bark.

TUBA TERRY IN TUCKER TOWN

Terry played the tuba in parades in Tucker Town,

Every holiday, he'd parade uptown to down,

Back aches made Terry moan,

So, he switched to Sousaphone,

Now, Terry marches pain free, from Main Street down to Brown.

MY SWEETIE HAS A NEW FRIEND😞

My sweetie had a tantrum, oh yes, my sweetie had a big fit,

My sweetie kicked me out of the house, so I sleep by the fire pit,

It's so cold, holy cow,

I could use some hot chow,

My sweetie moved in a friend; by the fireplace they spoon and sit.

CUTIE PIE

There once was a cutie pie,

The dear love that made me cry,

I said "oh, good grief",

Cutie was a thief,

I bid my wallet, bye, bye.

HOLIDAY IN PORTUGAL

I went to Portugal to buy some stringy cheese,

While I was there, I bought honey made by some bees,

I ate some cooked, ground pork,

Drank wine; it had a cork,

Ordered a cherry pie, but it had to unfreeze. 

HEMINGWAY WITH MEMES?

I'm not good at reading, and my writing is pretty sad,

I can type some on my cellphone, so that negates some bad,

I find rad, iconic memes,

Add them to my message schemes,

I could become the best writer, the earth has ever had.

SODA POP, OLD

My soda was not hot, and my soda pop was not cold,

My soda pop was flat, because my soda was so old,

Most times, its cold and fizzy,

Which makes me brains, freeze dizzy,

That was the worst soda pop, and mommy, I rightly told.

CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY

I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,

I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,

I knew I must look really stunning,

As patrons laughed, their tears were running,

I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.

MEDIEVAL EVIL MONSTER

There was a Griffin sitting up in an ash tree,

His laser sharp talons, sliced both arms off of me,

He bit off my head,

Thought then, I was dead,

I decomposed, until there was nothing to see.

THE U-SAP DATE

She gave me a three foot tall of maybes, when I asked her for a date,

Then gave me a two month bout with scabies, she's a zero, I did rate,

My online dating app,

It is called U-SAP,

It has high fees, and feeds off my desire, to find a perfect mate.

BAD MASTER OF THE CAT

I opened up a can of fish, and made some mackerel stew,

I pulled out quite a few bones that I fed to my kitten, Boo,

Boo ate the mackerel bones,

I dined on stew, and fresh scones,

After our dinner, Boo and I fell into our sleeping zones.

I SEE THE CAN AS HALF FULL

Our outdoor potty seems far, far away,

As the cold wind blows on this winter day,

There is the old coffee can,

Half filled by our cousin, Ann,

I will top it off, then inside I'll stay.

I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER

The cold winter wind blows, then repeats,

It's winter, and I have no blankets or sheets,

Deliveries are at a stop,

Even for my dear, soda pop,

And of course, I need a new furnace that heats.

THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...

There was a young pilgrim at my front door, 

He delivered cranberries from the store,

I paid him a tip, 

Away he did skip,

He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.

RICH AND POOR: THE DOUGH GLAZER STORY

I sold glazed donuts in my own glazed donut store,

I became filthy rich, and then went dirty poor,

A cave in of my dwelling,

Caused donuts to stop selling,

I had no insurance, so I could not restore.

MOON MONSTER PUTS ASTRONAUT ON HIATUS, FOREVER

I walked all the way to Tranquility Base,

There, a mean moon monster got into my face,

Feeling real tough that day,

I told him to run away,

It's ten years since I vanished, without a trace.

I SING TO STEAL BLING FROM DWARFS AND A DRAGON

I snuck into the mountain, and the dwarfs did not hear a thing,

I grabbed and ran away, with their sparkling jewels, and gold bling,

Then I saw back and forth wagging,

A dragon tale that was dragging,

I sang him to sleep with a lullaby; just glad I could sing.

CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN

Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,

Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,

On this holiday,

Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,

Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.

LARRY STAYED HOME, AGAIN

It was early morning, and Larry's feet were covered with snow,

And, everywhere that Larry went, the snow would blow blow, blow,

Although he gave it a jerk,

The old snowblower wouldn't work,

Larry couldn't take a cab to his job, because he lacked the doe.

STUPID TIME TRAVELER IRONY

Because its hull is made of the cheapest tin,

My quantum time machine, broke down, once again,

A small puncture makes woe,

My machine just won't go,

I won't make the reservation, for my din.

HANNIBAL IN THE HAY

Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,

He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,

On one nice, sunny, fine day,

He fell asleep in the hay,

He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.

MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS

Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,

Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,

Mostly, the bugs bite,

But, Sammy ain't bright,

Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.

THE WHIMSICAL LIFE CYCLE OF BELL FISH

Bell fish are swimming and mating, way out in the bay,

They go ding and they go dong, and they ding dong all day,

Baby bell fish are chimes,

They tinkle many times,

But, those poor baby bell fish, are food for the blue jay

THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK

It is so strange how decades pile in my past,

It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,

No dead flesh date,

To be worm bait,

Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.

MY PRIORITIES ARE BOWLING AND BEER

I sleep away my afternoons,

I sleep away my mornings,

I sick call everyday to work,

Despite my bosses' warnings,

If my financials weren't dire,

I would call my boss and retire,

I would put time into what feels so right,

That is league bowling, at the bar all night.

ONLINE MEME SCHEME, OOPS!

I'm an online influencer, and I went to jail,

I only wish mama would cough up some bail,

I had a fraud scheme,

Selling a counterfeit meme,

The bad thing about schemes is sometimes they fail.

UNCLE LEE IN THE HOOD

Uncle Lee worked on a garbage truck, and picked up garbage all day long,

While Uncle Lee picked all the garbage up, he would always sing a song,

The hood leaders did complain,

Lee's voice brought their ears great pain,

Uncle Lee stoped his singing, but thought the hood leaders, were mean and wrong.

BAD DADDY AND THE PSYCHIC

I went to the local psychic, and what did she say?

She said to move my family, far across the bay,

I did just what she said,

My family has fled,

Then I moved in with the psychic, and that's where I stay.

INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

DENNY AND THE CHAMBER POT SAGA

Denny had a chamber pot, made of porcelain as white as snow,

Every place  that porcelain pot sat,  Denny was sure to go,

When the bedroom chambers smelled of rot

A maid would empty the porcelain pot,

Then Denny would fill it up again, when Denny felt the flow.

I WENT TO SUGAR HIGH, ON HALLOWEEN

It lasted only a day and a night, late, last October,

It was all Halloween, and I dressed like my dog named, Rover,

On my tv screen,

Jason chased a teen,

Today I came off my super, sugar high, and

 I'm sober.

THE CHAIR AND TABLE LIMERICK

By my dining table, I have a chair for my seat,

On top of the dining table, I nothing to eat,

Where I bought my table and chair,

I spent all of my money there,

I do have a soda pop, so at least I'll have a treat

American Cuisine, On The Road

I went out to scrape pavement, because I was hungry for sup,

Didn't know if the critter was a weasel, or someone's stray pup,

Too small for a bear,

Really, did not care,

Figured it would taste good mixed with noodles, and served in a cup.

THE CHOIR WITH THE BIG BANG

Benny sang soloist in a choir gang,

Benny ate too many beans, before he sang,

As Benny's britches rang and rang,

The choir master said, "Oh, dang",

Benny's solo ended, with a great big "Bang!".

VOODOO REVENGE

I made a voodoo doll for the man on Sucker St.

He sold me a can of tainted, pickled piggy feet,

My family was up all night,

Getting toilet time was very tight,

I stuck six pins into my foe, in the bad guy's feet.

THAT WICKED WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME

My meanie wife was a little witch, and a little witch she was,

She cast spells on everyone, and her reason was just because,

She turned my kinfolk into toads,

They all got run over, on the roads,

Just because I crashed the car last last night, she siced on me the fuzz.

EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

THE HAUNTING IN MY CHAMBERS

I went into my bedroom chambers to nab me some sleep,

I would have done that, except for the visiting ghost creep,

He just once, shouted "Peek A Boo!"

One fly swatter swat, he be through,

The rest of the night, a sulky silence the ghost would keep

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

The Sunfish And My Eye

There was this little sunfish, I tried to deep fat fry,

Then a grease spatter popped, taking out my one good eye,

In my bad eye I see fizzy,

Many bubbles that are busy,

The ambulance picked me up, and I went bye, bye, bye.

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

PUTREFIED PUMPKIN

After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,

I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,

So I fed him to the yard birds,

And, other backyard critter herds,

I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.

Putrify

I SKIPPED

I fell toward the wood floor when I slipped,

My shirt caught on a nail and it ripped,

My landing was hard,

It caught me off guard,

So, the rest of my day I just skipped

FRESH FISH STEW FROM THE LAKE OF BLUE

The little creature floating in my stew,

I caught in the lake that was colored blue,

I bopped his head, so he would not come to,

If he did, this day he would come to rue,

He smelled like a fish, and tasted like poo.

THE BALLAD OF UNHAPPY TOM

It got so extremely cold,

Tom's toenails stopped growing mold,

Tom's nose went runny,

Girls found that funny,

Tom stayed alone and grew old.

LITTLE PLANE IN THE ZOO TREE

I took a trip to old Kalamazoo,

I got on a little plane, so I flew,

We got stuck in a tree,

The small plane, crew and me,

I jumped to the ground; got all black and blue.

WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE

I rolled up my very long sleeves,

When I went out to rake some leaves,

Raked up under a pine,

A down electric line,

At my funeral, the wife grieves.  

Today is known as November One,

It's real cold, and there ain't much for sun,

In the pie pumpkin patch,

Pumpkins ready to hatch,

I'll freeze their guts, then the patch is done.

THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

103123

STEVE AND THE FIRE DEMON

There once was a big dragon, named Steve,

He ate witches on All Hallows Eve,

He ate a demon called Zeaming

Now Steve's ears are both steaming,

And his breath burns each town, do th he leave.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

103123

WITCHES MAKE ME ITCHY

I went into the woods and ran into three witches,

I said I couldn't stop and chat because my back really itches,

Then, they told me "what's worse?

Is your new itchy curse,"

So, I scratched so bad I got stitches. 

92223

HALLOWEEN HAIKU

Tricks, treats, nature change,

Candy, costumes, leaf bare trees,

Party, summer's wake.

102824

HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

102823

steeped their sweet juices for tea.

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Well, today we've gained an extra hour,

That gives us time for all to shower,

So, relaxed starts the day,

Cause, Daylight Savings Time's gone away,

And, the extra sleep gives us each super power.

11616