There's Always Something Out To Get Me

I had a mosquito contact,

It gave me a a malaria contract,

Felt very sick,

Went to hospital, real quick,

Malaria is spreading, fun fact? Not!

HEATWAVE 2023

It got so very hot, even my little pansies died,

The last live flowers in my garden, and I cried, and cried, 

Now only plastic flowers, I grow,

My lawn is astro turf; pretend to mow,

The only real plants I'll see again are ones that someone dried.

WHEN BRINE SHRIMP ATTACK

My tank full of guppies was completely unease,

So I bought some brine shrimp, to try to please,

One brine shrimp grew bigger,

Ate my fish and cat, Trigger,

I now beg him for mercy, while down on my knees.

FLAT EARTH SCIENCE

My new science book, says the earth is actually flat,

And that if I walk off the edge, that's the end of me, ooh drat,

And rockets didn't go into space,

It was all filmed at some studio place,

It also turns out eating cheese balls, will never make me fat.

LOST IN AMERICA

Larry was so upset, because he could not find his home,

He pulled each hair from his head, creating a big, bald dome,

Larry finally found a map,

And from an old man, stole a cap,

Then Larry realized, he was in Alaska, outside of Nome. 

THE LITTLE BIRD NAMED CHURBA

Churba is a little bird, and he makes a churbing sound,

Whenever I hear churbing, I know that Churba, is around,

Churba likes to eat cheddar cheese,

I sit it out, for Churba, to please,

Along with some tasty prunes, so Churba won't get bound.🧀🐦

MAROON COULD BE A COLOR, BUT IT IS DEFINITELY NOT A FRIEND

My garden potatoes were colored maroon,

No one would eat them, except Mr. Raccoon,

He ate them on a dare,

Then messed his underwear,

He sat on the toilet from noon until noon.

CRAWDAD GOT TALENT

I bought a fish tank for my pet crawdad, Mr. Bay Jay,

Mr. Bay Jay was happy, and in his tank he would play,

He had a toy flute,

And he played it, so quite,

Sometimes he'd stare at me, but that was ok. 

TASTY AND CARNIVOROUS, MY MAGIC MUSHROOM FIND

I held a mushroom near my face, and he bit me on the cheek,

I decided that a mushroom with teeth, was a nature freak,

But as he chewed on my cheek skin,

I fried him with eggs for my din,

The toothy mushroom tasted so good, more I'm going to seek.

JIM'S JOB INTERVIEW IS GOING TO STINK

Jim's French perfume had gone all skunky,

It smelled worse than the pee of his pet monkey,

Jim was due for an appointment,

And had no underarm ointment,

It's a job interview, and Jim's chances are sunky.

I AM A SAVED SODA POONTOON

I was out in my aluminum boat,

I drank sodas that made my belly bloat,

Then up-chucked the sea,

Swamping my boat and me,

Soda gas kept my body afloat.

THE TERRIERDACTYL

My little bull terrier, thinks he's a flying dinosaur,

He climbs up on the furniture, and jumps four feet or more,

He knocked over Uncle Vern.

Vern sat so quiet, in his urn,

Methinks dinos will be flying, to the backyard, and out the door.

MY NEW HOME IN THE WOODS

I was given a key for the front and the back,

But there's no doors, or doorknobs, on my lean-to shack,

There's a hanging blanket front door,

Inside, in places there's floor,

Backdoor, is old tires in a stack.

RED SHED AND THE RAINBOW RISE

There was a rainbow over my shed,

My shed was painted barny red,

Before my nose,

The rainbow rose,

I went back inside to get breakfast fed.

THE MUFFIN GIVES ME STUFFIN', AND THE SACK WILL TREAT MY BACK

I tried a little exercise, and I hurt my back,

I had to lay flat on the floor of my shack,

Finally, I grabbed the doorknob on the door,

And crawled up from the floor,

I ate a corn muffin, and then, I hit the sack.

I FELT OK UNTIL THE CLOWN

I decided to ride my motor scooter into town,

But I went way too slow, and I quickly got run down,

The first car really hurt,

The second caused blood squirt,

Then I was run over by a semi, driven by some clown.

CROAK GOES THE WEASEL

I wish up in Canada, they'd stop the smoking,

So that people in Michigan, could stop choking,

It just ain't at all fair,

There's smoke clouds everywhere,

I saw a weasel gasp for air, I think he was croaking

TALK ABOUT A BAD SANTA

Santa's at the beach and he's having lots of summer fun,

He left Mrs. Santa at home; he's with a special hon,

But an age difference he fears,

About 20,000 years,

And Santa's new young lady, shows she's baking him a bun.

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

BULLIES, EYEBALLS AND GOLD

I put an earring in my left ear,

It was gold, and financially dear,

But along came this Frankie,

He gave my earring a yankey,

The pain made my right eyeball tear.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN

The cars on the highway started to beep,

So I had to go out and move my sheep,

Cars are evil and chilling,

They do sheep roadkill killing,

Then at the end of the day, I weep.

VAMPIRES CELEBRATE THE FOURTH WITH PIE

At every fireworks display on the  4th Of July,

Vampires rain down on tourists, from out of the sky,

The tourists are alarmed,

But not seriously harmed,

The vampires just need blood, for gram cracker crust pie.

ZOMBIES ON THE FOURTH

The zombies attacked on the 4th Of July,

They ate my best friends, Herbie and Guy,

Then the rocket glared,

The zombies got scarred,

And I ate burgers, and finished with pie.

SPACECRAFT DISASSEMBLY, AND A BABOON IS LOST IN SPACE🚀

My spaceship disassembled as I journeyed toward the moon,

They launched it in bad weather, and probably way too soon,

It rattled really bad, 

While still on the launch pad,

Humans won't feel bad for me, I'm just a creature called, Baboon. 

 

DEEP FRIED SPLEEN KIDNEY PIE

Chef made the bestest ever, kidney pie,

It was so delicious, I asked chef,"why?"

Chef said he made kidneys appeal,

By wrapping with the spleen of eel,

Cooked in grease leftover, from a chicken fry.

HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS, AND THE BIG ALPHA MALE

Ron was proud to be a big alpha male,

At nightclubs, he would really set sail,

Ron hit on ladies all night,

Got into fight after fight,

And spent the next 90 days in a jail.

MY ROOSTER GOT TAIL IN THE END

The dog next door, Jim call him poop,

He tried to raid Jim's chicken coup,

But Jim's rooster had beak,

And Poop's tail he did seek,

Tonight Jim fine dines, on Poopy tail soup.

NEVER USE YOUR HANDS TO LAUNCH ROCKETS,: A PARABLE OF SORTS

I use to have fingers, until one 4th Of July,🖖

From my fists I'd launch rockets, then watched them blowup and die,🌋

I got celebration crazy,🍺💃

Then my fingers got lazy,🙌🚑

It's been over 80 years, still I cry.😭

WARNING: BE CAREFUL WHEN HANDLING FIRE AND EXPLOSIVES!!! BEST NOT TO DO IT AT ALL 👍

PUT SAFETY FIRST WHEN FOLLOWING COWS

I followed the cows at eventide,

The cows kicked up bacteria so, then I died,

Follow cows if you must,

Just cover your face from the dust,

Then, with the bovine species abide. 

THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TINY THINGS

I do not like bacteria, I do not like them one and all,

They make my belly really sick, and make my little sister ball,

Daddy brings them home from work,

He won't wash his hands, the drunken jerk,

He claims he's an alpha male, and bacteria is their card of call.

ICE CREAM ENVY

I wanted an ice cream cone, but they make me look fat,

So I had my little bro eat one, while I watched and sat,

With delicious surprise,

The first lick, twinkled his eyes,

So I took the ice cream cone, and made it into his hat.

DON'T EAT YOUR SWEETIES FEETIES

I once knew this scientist named Pete,

The only thing he studied was feet,

He said what lurked among us,

Was a terminal foot fungus,

And toe jam was not fit to eat

MY GOLDFISH PLOTS

Methinks my goldfish now plots my demise,

I can see his deceit in his black, blinkless eyes,

What gives me a real creep,

Is he sinks down into the deep,

And, I know someday from the deep he will rise. 

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

BUGS GIVE ME GAS

My friends tell me the food sources are declining,

My menu, they all said, needs refining,

They said if I would eat bugs,

They would give me love hugs,

But bugs tear into my intestional lining.

BETWEEN BACON AND SOCIAL MEDIA, I CHOSE BACON EVERYTIME

I went to Twitter and I couldn't twit a tweet,

I felt really low, I felt deep defeat,

I did not get bitter,

Because they signed me off Twitter,

I can spend the time frying bacon to eat.

TOO HOT TO BLOW NOSE

The sun got so volcano-like, darn hot 

Donny could not make any human, darn snot,

Without the nose cleaner,

His hay fever got meaner,

The only moisture was in Donny's pee pot.

JIMMY'S SONG

Jimmy's toe jams smelled,

He drank beer and his belly swelled,

He retired to teach,

At the beach,

Sea turtles, how to mind meld.

PORCH PIRATES COME CREEPING

My neighbors are porch pirates, who wait until I'm sleeping,

Then up to my door, they come a creeping,

And when I confront an offender,

They don't surrender,

They just tell me my package, they're keeping.

I HUNT THE HIGHWAYS

I stuck my dutch oven over the blazing campfire,

For I had found some fresh roadkill, still stuck to my tire,

No guess as to which varmint,

But my tire did harm it,

I just cannot waste meat, when food stores are so dire.

THE CURSE OF THE TOADSTOOL

My foot stepped upon a toadstool, now I feel like a toad,

I have this inclination, to sun myself out in the road,

First I'll eat a couple bugs,

I'll juice them out with tongue hugs,

I'm trying to walk upright, but my legs are just too bowed.

THE STINGING BEES

Stinging bees have such perfect bloodhound powers,

They can find you, even if you take showers,

For all the rest of the day,

I'll be in my tent with a spray,

It's a scent masking spray, that smells like flowers.

WOLVES IN THE WOODS LOVE HOTDOGS IN THE HOODS

It was the 4th Of July and the wolves in the woods,

Were eating all campers, wearing red ridding hoods,

They smelled like hotdogs some say,

Of the campers, tagged for prey,

Seems like red hoods, taste like hotdog roasted goods.

DON'T PLAY WITH FIREWORKS AND SPARKLERS

Authorities won't let me have fireworks, because last year I burned down a house,

This year I can only have sparklers, when supervised by the spouse,

But the sparklers burned my fingers,

The smell of burnt flesh, still lingers,

Playing with fires is so dangerous, I should have had a tanker of water for a douse.

THE COOKIE SQUIRREL AND THE NUMBERS GAL

My sister was always working her trig,

While I ate Newtons made out of fig,

I called her a bright girl,

She called me a squirrel,

She got a great job, while I only got big.

UNCLE DALE'S TOE NAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

THE HARD ROLL AND THE CHAW

I bit down on a rig in my roll,

Turned out it was anthracite coal,

It broke the teeth in my jaw,

Now I can't chew chaw,

That roll took a life changing toll.

I CHURNED THROUGH SPACE AND TIME; NOW I'M IN JAIL, AGAIN

I went churning through space and time,

To find me the best limerick rhyme,

Didn't know why they'd care,

But police were everywhere,

Seems space-time churning is considered a crime.

JIMMY SMILED SO SLY, ON THE 4TH OF JULY

Jimmy had cracker explosions for the 4th Of July,

He ate olive  bologna with sauerkraut on rye,

So with each sky boom, boom,

Jimmy let off a toxic perfume,

Then at the folks all around, he smiled, so sly.

I TOOK A PASS AT EATING SWEET GRASS

Someone gave me some green grass to eat,

Couldn't eat it, because it was too sweet,

So I cast it on the fire,

Then things became real dire,

Both of my hands became rabbit feet.

BATTERY EXPIRATION DATES, AND MY NEW ELECTRIC CAR

I decided to build my own electric car, brand new

To make it light, I used tin foil for the bod, light blue,

The batteries for my car,

Came from pop's portable VCR,

They didn't work, because they expired in '92.

SAD AWAKENING

I awoke with my nose holes all full of thick slag,

My tears turned my pillow into a soggy tea bag,

I had cried all through my sleep,

For I had just wrecked my new jeep,

And my insurance, I have sadly let lag.

YOU CAN TRAVEL ACROSS OUTER SPACE, AND STILL FIND SAND IN YOUR SHORTS

I blasted upward in my spaceship to visit off-planet land,

However, everywhere I went I found nothing, but deep sand,

Then far out among the stars,

Was a planet sim to ours,

With stone mountains and water valleys, called "grand".

LAKE WOEBE WAS GONE

I went to Lake Woebe and found the lake was gone,

There was not any water, or cabins with green lawn,

There were fish stuck in the mud,

So my trip was not a dud,

The fish were stuck really good; to remove them took brawn. 

TAP WATER TURNED ME INTO SNAKE FOOD

Last night I drank some tap water, now this morning I'm a frog,

I then went outside and hopped around, undercover of the fog,

I hopped down to the lake,

I was eaten by a snake,

Soon the snake was all chewed up, by the next door neighbor's dog.

MY COOKIES ARE SO CRUMMY

I made a batch of cookies, and they turned out way too small,

Someone told me they were cookie crumbs, and weren't cookies at all,

From my eyes I shed big tears,

I had no cookies for my dears,

So I went down and bought filled doughnuts at the all night mall.

AFTER PRIDE MY GOLDFISH LIED🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

I'm having an autopsy on my goldfish to see why he died,😭

Yesterday, I took him from his bowel with me to have fun at Pride,🌈

He seemed happy flip-flopping,💃🕺👯

To the music he was hopping,🎶🎵🎶 

When I looked this morning at his bowl, on the bottom, he lied.💔

HOW I BECAME A ONE MAN BAND

I went out back of the high school to march with the dress band,

I was the only one there, save for the bear eating a hand,

I forgot my bear mace,

So I froze in place,

When the bear turned away, I raned. 

TIN FOIL HAT PEOPLE NEED HELP

I ran out of tin foil, now the state owns my brain,

With no shinny tin hat, I'm completely insane,

To remember what's true,

On my tongue I must chew,

To keep my mind clear, I must suffer great pain.

Warning:  Don't try this at home. It hurts.

I COUNT ON MY FINGERS AND TOES

I do all math using my fingers and toes,

So twenty is the biggest number I knows,

But the landlord wants more,

Than just one single score,

On the street is where I find myself throws.