THE WRINKLED CARROT IN A JAR

Today I found a wrinkled carrot, sealed tight in a glass mason jar,

It got really dry and spongy, sitting in the backseat of my car,

Where did that dried carrot grow?

In my garden, I think so,

I'll use it as a conversation piece, on display in my wet bar.

I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,

A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,

Black rain clouds became my ceiling,

Electric bolts, I was feeling,

I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent. 

THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN THING

Young Jim Flip Joy LaRoy,

Loved his new airplane toy,

He took it to school,

Kids broke it, so cruel,

Jim had tears to deploy.

THE WEREWOLF AND THE BACK BACON

I walked into the butcher shop, and found a dire werewolf, lurking the store,

He had eaten all the butchers and clerks, and the old guy who sweep/mops the floor,

I asked the creature if it was taken?

I meant the last three pounds of back bacon?

The werewolf just looked and growled at me, as I removed the bacon out the door.

MY SOCIAL COMMUNITY IS THE DOUGHNUT BAR: BELLY-UP

Because I leave my accounts, so unattended,

On most social media, I've been unfriended,

I deleted all the posts,

My fans hate the most,

For soc now, it's the doughnut bar, where I'm mended.

I LOVE MY SALTY AND FATTY MEATS

My pacemaker picked up the heart pace,

So I stayed part of the human race,

I could no longer eat,

Tasty, fatty, salt meat,

And that was a boot kick in the face.

INVASION OF THE NOSE COOTIES

Jimmy was invaded by cooties; they ran up his big nose,

Some cooties dripped out in ice-snot, when the temperatures froze,

Jimmy said a little later,

He was a nose cootie hater,

That was after the doc flushed the nose cooties, out with a hose.

VALUE OF LIFE

All the little humans they learn, learn, learn,

That makes their little brain cells churn, churn, churn,

Then they work for others who are stern, stern, stern,

When they die they get to burn, burn, burn,

Then they're all in ashes, and someone sticks them in an urn.

THE IN-LAWS AND MOBY DICK

My awful in-laws have eaten all the worms in my pail,

I needed the worms to go fishing, to catch me a whale,

It just is not funny,

Those worms cost me money,

And in under three minutes, the fishing boat will set sail.

NUT EXCITEMENT

I just picked a little tiny, brown nut,

From a tree growing over my shack-hut,

Oh, Glory bee,

The nut was free,

The excitement ended my daily rut.

NEIGHBORS CAME TO DINNER

My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor,

Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front door,

Sweep, Sweep, zoom, zoom,

I used the broom,

I could not stop the cockroaches, because they kept on coming, more, more, more.

JOINT COLLABORATIONS WITH CAESAR

I knew this guy named Caesar, and he YouTubed making pizza pie,

I joined him for a joint collab; my food was a greasy French fry,

The pizza turned out good,

My French fry chewed like wood,

We've started our next joint collab; cutting onions without a cry.

I PITIED MY MEAL.TO THE FREEZER

I felt great pity for the salmon I caught from the sea,

I cried when his sad eyes were begging to send him home, free,

I scraped off his scales, 

Pulled out his entrails,

I made fillets for the freezer, for my mama and me.

STONE STEW, MY BLUE

The stew I ate was full of stones and dirt,

The stew caused me a real awful, bad hurt,

I cracked a dear tooth,

I had since my youth,

And broke my jaw, which I had since my birth.

MEAN JIMMY AND THE HACKEY SACK

Darren had a hackey sack, that he kicked around all day,

Then along came Jimmy, who kicked the hackey sack away,

Because of Jimmy's bad,

Darren big eyes went sad,

Jimmy went and retrieved the sack, and bag toss they did play.

DRAGON DREAMS AND SCREAMS

The big, bad dragon really screamed, the big, bad dragon really roared,

After Sammy bled it dry, with a little, pretend sword,

Then Sammy got stung,

By hot dragon tongue, 

Sammy took a nap, because dragon play had made him bored.

MY COUSINS CAME TO.VISIT, FROM CANADA

My Canadian cousins came to visit, and I think they ate my cats,

They are two freckled, 8 year old, red haired girls, and also little brats,

They would have ate my dogs,

But they craved my pollywogs, 

When I visit them in Vancouver, maybe their gerbils will become hats.

THE GREAT ANN ARBOR DRAGON

The great Ann Arbor Dragon turned himself into stone,

For he ate sixty tons of pure, crunchy human bone,

What's acceptable to eat,

Is only the human meat,

The skeleton we use to make a nice candle scone.

BLUE RIBBON TURNUP

The vegetable farm held a turnip contest, once per day,

The heaviest one got a ribbon, and put out on display,

The very heaviest ones,

Were full of worms; sons-of-guns,

The farmer never did care, "they had protein", he'd always say.

WHY I WEAR MY BLINGS

Some people push a theory that the universe is made of strings,

I completely disagree, the verse is made of just pretty things,

It's made of kitty cats,

And puppies that wear hats,

Of course, it's made of golden jewelry, that's why I wear my blings.

FEEDING PETS PETS

Someone ate my pet mosquito,

I think it was my frog named Tito,

My snake, Mr. Sam Nickels,

Ate my rat, Maurice Pickles,

I guess everyone is on a diet called Keto.

DRAGONS UNHEALTHY

Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat,

Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,

 The dragons are always joking,

They'll never give up their smoking,

The same old story at every wake greet.

BEETLE AND THE J

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away

He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,

At the end of his beak,

The blue jay had a leak,

The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the  jay that day.

YOUNG DRAGON GRIDDLES

There is a fairly young dragon, who lives down by the big lake,

He lives in a cave made of clam shells, from his picnic clam bake,

Since nice, warm summer weather did pass,

Young dragon hooked his stove up to gas,

And fired up his griddle to fry a dragon sized pancake.

THE LITTLE TWEETER ON THE NEWS

The little tweeter was on the nightly news,

He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse,

Open eyes I couldn't keep,

I fell deep down in sleep,

His mouth sounds were boring, so I took a snooze.

THE CORN MOON BANCHEE

The Corn Moon rises up into the September sky,

Forest monsters are dancing, and weird pumpkins, they fly,

The great pigs we baste and roast,

Feeding any passing ghost,

While just this side of the Moore's, there's a lone banshe cry.

TITANS OF TETHER BALL

I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team

We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem,

We knocked competition to the floor,

Until they would beg for no more,

We won every match; "meanies", our opponents would scream.

DEAD WITH POODLE NED

My universe collapsed down on my head,

It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead,

I was in doggy heaven,

With my bestie hound, Kevin,

And my enemy, a Poodle, named Ned.

FREEDOM SOMETIMES COSTS A CHUNK OF FLESH

The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making  a daring, cage break,

When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they would take,

One keet took a big bite,

The others went to flight,

They flew out the store door to their freedom, and the sun made them awake.

I'M NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK

I needed a deck of plain playing cards,

So I went shopping in peoples front yards,

I found a deck, not new,

Missing cards, quite a few,

I bought it, and to play cards is real hards.

I WAS GONNA VOTE, BUT I WENT TO JAIL

I went to vote on this sunny day,

I could vote what I wanted to say,

The parking was real tight,

I got into a fight,

I went to jail, and that's where I'll stay.

DROP PASTE SOUP

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil,

And you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal,

Grab a cup of toothpaste,

Mix in cough drops to taste,

Serve when on the stove, you've brought the soup to a boil.

WARNING:  DON'T EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY

WARNING:  FIRE HAZARD

A LITTLE LIFE GROUNDED, AFTER DREAM

I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal,

I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel,

I could prance as a snob,

As the peasants I rob,

Of course, I can't pay room rent, because my fancy dreams just ain't real.

I WAS A LITTLE RASPBERRY

I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was,

I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz,

Someone wanted me for sup,

So they tried to clean me up,

I spread out into red pimples, like an old raspberry does.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

BAD CREDIT AND NO HORN

Fred decided to buy a  new shinny horn, cornet,

Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet,

Fred picked out one that shined,

His credit was declined

Now Fred has not a mouthpiece, and  lips dripping wet.

The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

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WHAT MY ZOMBIES WILL EAT

I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun,

I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun,

They ate my wife, a librarian,

Then became brat, vegetarian,

Without pigs feet; it's orange Jello on a bun and I'm done.

I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs, 

I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,

I ate the goldfish,

The kids named it Trish,

I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.

THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hands,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the lands,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banneds.

THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores ice cream bars.

WISHES OF AN AI SLAVE

My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May,

I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay,

I wanted to be a regular boy,

I dreamed they named me Little Roy,

At least make me a toaster oven, if only I had some say.

MY CANARY IN THE COAL MINE

I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well,

My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell,

A bad poisonous gas,

Through his bird lungs did pass,

Too bad my birdie died that day, for I had bought him a new seed shaped bell.

CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

THE DILL THRILLED GRANNY

When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill,

It was growing up on a sand and rocky, hill,

It stood in the hot sun,

It was the only one,

I took the dill home to granny; she got a thrill.

WHEN YOU HEAR A JEEP BEEP FROM BEHIND

Junior Otto has a little old jeep,

Up the hill it will very, slowly creep,

A couple of takes,

The jeep has no brakes,

Going downhill, Junior relies on his beep.

THIS BOLD MAN...

This bold man, he had a son,

He had two, but away the other run,

With a big black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a home with a view,

He hated his neighbors, and they hated him too,

With a big black, Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, had a yacht on the sea,

With the rich and powerful, he liked to party,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, he could not fall asleep,

His son had called him a greedy, selfish creep,

With a big, black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome,

This bold man, from his mouth, he dripped a foam,

This bold man, at a new beginning, he did arrive,

He became kind and generous, and finally felt alive,

He sold his big, black Cadillac, his yacht, and fancy home,

He quit all his drooling, and built a homeless shelter dome.

THE LIMERICK OF A RELATIONSHIP FOOL

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast,

Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past,

Captive in love of cutie Kim,

Serving dear Kim, whim after whim,

But once we were newly married, my Kim's love became hate, real fast.

THE ENSEMBLE: STRINGS, SPOON AND BASSOON

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon,

The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon,

When spoon hits bassoon wood,

The sound is mostly good,

Supported by strings, we make a pretty tune.

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

THE LOVE LIMERICK

I fell in love with a new sweetie,

We met while online going tweety,

We tweeted like birds,

With love-dovey words,

Perhaps real soon we will meety.

BAD DOG

My swollen eyeballs popped out of my head,

They were ate by my hound doggy, named Fred,

Fred's mouth gave out a loud burp,

His backside whimpered a chirp,

Such a bad day, so I went back to bed.

OTTO AND HIS LITTLE CAR, AND THE DEALERSHIP

Otto bought a brand new car, but it wasn't nearly big enough,

When Otto went to the grocery store, he didn't have room for stuff,

He had food for just half his kids,

The others had to hit the skids,

Otto tried taking back his car, but the dealer was mean and tough.

I'M A SCHOLAR WITH A DOLLAR AND BUGS

I felt rich when I found in my wallet, a dollar,

I felt smart when I read me a book, a scholar,

I still felt so defeated,

When everyone tweeted,

That like a dog, I needed an tick and flea collar.

I LOST MY JOB IN AEROSPACE

My boss kicked me hard, down the unemployment path,

Because my employer required I do math,

But not too long out the door,

I got work moping a floor,

On weekends at the zoo, I scrub down the giraffe.

THE GARY PAIR

Gary the dentist and Gary the house fly,

Roomed together in a townhouse in the sky,

Once Dr. Gary copped a tude,

So flying Gary got rude,

He pooped on the fresh eggs, Dr. Gary did fry.

HOMEMADE ROOT BEER SAMPLES

I dug up some tree roots to make some root beer,

It didn't taste too good, and my belly felt queer,

I got foam on my clothes,

When it ran from my nose,

If you're on the porcelain throne, please get clear.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

My neighbors were setting off holiday crackers,

The crackers sounded like cannon blast attackers,

One hit my shingled, tar roof,

Caused a fire that went poof,

I'm short a house, and eat donated cheese snackers. 

SNOT LICKER DRAGON

There is a very young dragon, his name is Mickey,

Mickey will snot on his victims and that is icky,

He don't breath fire,

Friends are his desire,

After he snots on you, our sweet Mickey gets licky.

MABEL, HUBBY AND BEANS IN THE TEENS

Mabel the cook, makes baked, delicious, pork beans

She feeds them to her four kids, the in-be-tweens,

Hubby will eat pie,

The beans he won't try,

Hubby says beans bloat him up, into fat jeans.