LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt
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Thursday, November 21, 2024
HEMINGWAY WITH MEMES?
I'm not good at reading, and my writing is pretty sad,
I can type some on my cellphone, so that negates some bad,
I find rad, iconic memes,
Add them to my message schemes,
I could become the best writer, the earth has ever had.
SODA POP, OLD
My soda was not hot, and my soda pop was not cold,
My soda pop was flat, because my soda was so old,
Most times, its cold and fizzy,
Which makes me brains, freeze dizzy,
That was the worst soda pop, and mommy, I rightly told.
Wednesday, November 20, 2024
CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY
I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,
I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,
I knew I must look really stunning,
As patrons laughed, their tears were running,
I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.
MEDIEVAL EVIL MONSTER
There was a Griffin sitting up in an ash tree,
His laser sharp talons, sliced both arms off of me,
He bit off my head,
Thought then, I was dead,
I decomposed, until there was nothing to see.
Tuesday, November 19, 2024
THE U-SAP DATE
She gave me a three foot tall of maybes, when I asked her for a date,
Then gave me a two month bout with scabies, she's a zero, I did rate,
My online dating app,
It is called U-SAP,
It has high fees, and feeds off my desire, to find a perfect mate.
BAD MASTER OF THE CAT
I opened up a can of fish, and made some mackerel stew,
I pulled out quite a few bones that I fed to my kitten, Boo,
Boo ate the mackerel bones,
I dined on stew, and fresh scones,
After our dinner, Boo and I fell into our sleeping zones.
I SEE THE CAN AS HALF FULL
Our outdoor potty seems far, far away,
As the cold wind blows on this winter day,
There is the old coffee can,
Half filled by our cousin, Ann,
I will top it off, then inside I'll stay.
I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER
The cold winter wind blows, then repeats,
It's winter, and I have no blankets or sheets,
Deliveries are at a stop,
Even for my dear, soda pop,
And of course, I need a new furnace that heats.
THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...
There was a young pilgrim at my front door,
He delivered cranberries from the store,
I paid him a tip,
Away he did skip,
He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.
Monday, November 18, 2024
RICH AND POOR: THE DOUGH GLAZER STORY
I sold glazed donuts in my own glazed donut store,
I became filthy rich, and then went dirty poor,
A cave in of my dwelling,
Caused donuts to stop selling,
I had no insurance, so I could not restore.
MOON MONSTER PUTS ASTRONAUT ON HIATUS, FOREVER
I walked all the way to Tranquility Base,
There, a mean moon monster got into my face,
Feeling real tough that day,
I told him to run away,
It's ten years since I vanished, without a trace.
Sunday, November 17, 2024
I SING TO STEAL BLING FROM DWARFS AND A DRAGON
I snuck into the mountain, and the dwarfs did not hear a thing,
I grabbed and ran away, with their sparkling jewels, and gold bling,
Then I saw back and forth wagging,
A dragon tale that was dragging,
I sang him to sleep with a lullaby; just glad I could sing.
CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN
Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,
Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,
On this holiday,
Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,
Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.
LARRY STAYED HOME, AGAIN
It was early morning, and Larry's feet were covered with snow,
And, everywhere that Larry went, the snow would blow blow, blow,
Although he gave it a jerk,
The old snowblower wouldn't work,
Larry couldn't take a cab to his job, because he lacked the doe.
STUPID TIME TRAVELER IRONY
Because its hull is made of the cheapest tin,
My quantum time machine, broke down, once again,
A small puncture makes woe,
My machine just won't go,
I won't make the reservation, for my din.
HANNIBAL IN THE HAY
Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,
He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,
On one nice, sunny, fine day,
He fell asleep in the hay,
He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.
Saturday, November 16, 2024
MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS
Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,
Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,
Mostly, the bugs bite,
But, Sammy ain't bright,
Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.
THE WHIMSICAL LIFE CYCLE OF BELL FISH
Bell fish are swimming and mating, way out in the bay,
They go ding and they go dong, and they ding dong all day,
Baby bell fish are chimes,
They tinkle many times,
But, those poor baby bell fish, are food for the blue jay
THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK
It is so strange how decades pile in my past,
It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,
No dead flesh date,
To be worm bait,
Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.
MY PRIORITIES ARE BOWLING AND BEER
I sleep away my afternoons,
I sleep away my mornings,
I sick call everyday to work,
Despite my bosses' warnings,
If my financials weren't dire,
I would call my boss and retire,
I would put time into what feels so right,
That is league bowling, at the bar all night.
ONLINE MEME SCHEME, OOPS!
I'm an online influencer, and I went to jail,
I only wish mama would cough up some bail,
I had a fraud scheme,
Selling a counterfeit meme,
The bad thing about schemes is sometimes they fail.
Friday, November 15, 2024
UNCLE LEE IN THE HOOD
Uncle Lee worked on a garbage truck, and picked up garbage all day long,
While Uncle Lee picked all the garbage up, he would always sing a song,
The hood leaders did complain,
Lee's voice brought their ears great pain,
Uncle Lee stoped his singing, but thought the hood leaders, were mean and wrong.
BAD DADDY AND THE PSYCHIC
I went to the local psychic, and what did she say?
She said to move my family, far across the bay,
I did just what she said,
My family has fled,
Then I moved in with the psychic, and that's where I stay.
Thursday, November 14, 2024
INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED
The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,
And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,
The mad teeth bit in,
Broke wide, Denny's skin,
The Denny Dirge is our local song.
DENNY AND THE CHAMBER POT SAGA
Denny had a chamber pot, made of porcelain as white as snow,
Every place that porcelain pot sat, Denny was sure to go,
When the bedroom chambers smelled of rot
A maid would empty the porcelain pot,
Then Denny would fill it up again, when Denny felt the flow.
Wednesday, November 13, 2024
I WENT TO SUGAR HIGH, ON HALLOWEEN
It lasted only a day and a night, late, last October,
It was all Halloween, and I dressed like my dog named, Rover,
On my tv screen,
Jason chased a teen,
Today I came off my super, sugar high, and
I'm sober.
THE CHAIR AND TABLE LIMERICK
By my dining table, I have a chair for my seat,
On top of the dining table, I nothing to eat,
Where I bought my table and chair,
I spent all of my money there,
I do have a soda pop, so at least I'll have a treat
Tuesday, November 12, 2024
American Cuisine, On The Road
I went out to scrape pavement, because I was hungry for sup,
Didn't know if the critter was a weasel, or someone's stray pup,
Too small for a bear,
Really, did not care,
Figured it would taste good mixed with noodles, and served in a cup.
THE CHOIR WITH THE BIG BANG
Benny sang soloist in a choir gang,
Benny ate too many beans, before he sang,
As Benny's britches rang and rang,
The choir master said, "Oh, dang",
Benny's solo ended, with a great big "Bang!".
VOODOO REVENGE
I made a voodoo doll for the man on Sucker St.
He sold me a can of tainted, pickled piggy feet,
My family was up all night,
Getting toilet time was very tight,
I stuck six pins into my foe, in the bad guy's feet.
Monday, November 11, 2024
THAT WICKED WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME
My meanie wife was a little witch, and a little witch she was,
She cast spells on everyone, and her reason was just because,
She turned my kinfolk into toads,
They all got run over, on the roads,
Just because I crashed the car last last night, she siced on me the fuzz.
Sunday, November 10, 2024
EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE
I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,
It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,
I know the formulas for down and up,
I'll be done with the test, before I sup,
Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.
THE HAUNTING IN MY CHAMBERS
I went into my bedroom chambers to nab me some sleep,
I would have done that, except for the visiting ghost creep,
He just once, shouted "Peek A Boo!"
One fly swatter swat, he be through,
The rest of the night, a sulky silence the ghost would keep
Saturday, November 9, 2024
SPARKY THE DOG
Sparky is my sweetie dog,
In my shoes he leaves his log,
I told Sparky he was bad,
His eyes got really big, sad,
That's the end of this dog blog.
The Sunfish And My Eye
There was this little sunfish, I tried to deep fat fry,
Then a grease spatter popped, taking out my one good eye,
In my bad eye I see fizzy,
Many bubbles that are busy,
The ambulance picked me up, and I went bye, bye, bye.
Friday, November 8, 2024
ICONIC WHISKERS
I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,
Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,
Mixing with pieces of cheese,
It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,
I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.
Thursday, November 7, 2024
PUTREFIED PUMPKIN
After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,
I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,
So I fed him to the yard birds,
And, other backyard critter herds,
I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.
Putrify
Wednesday, November 6, 2024
I SKIPPED
I fell toward the wood floor when I slipped,
My shirt caught on a nail and it ripped,
My landing was hard,
It caught me off guard,
So, the rest of my day I just skipped
Tuesday, November 5, 2024
FRESH FISH STEW FROM THE LAKE OF BLUE
The little creature floating in my stew,
I caught in the lake that was colored blue,
I bopped his head, so he would not come to,
If he did, this day he would come to rue,
He smelled like a fish, and tasted like poo.
Monday, November 4, 2024
THE BALLAD OF UNHAPPY TOM
It got so extremely cold,
Tom's toenails stopped growing mold,
Tom's nose went runny,
Girls found that funny,
Tom stayed alone and grew old.
Sunday, November 3, 2024
LITTLE PLANE IN THE ZOO TREE
I took a trip to old Kalamazoo,
I got on a little plane, so I flew,
We got stuck in a tree,
The small plane, crew and me,
I jumped to the ground; got all black and blue.
Saturday, November 2, 2024
WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE
I rolled up my very long sleeves,
When I went out to rake some leaves,
Raked up under a pine,
A down electric line,
At my funeral, the wife grieves.
Friday, November 1, 2024
Today is known as November One,
It's real cold, and there ain't much for sun,
In the pie pumpkin patch,
Pumpkins ready to hatch,
I'll freeze their guts, then the patch is done.
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