SPRING

Cold rainy weather makes us feel pain called, the cruds,

The arthritis pain, we fight with the suds,

We want mosquitos to bite,

To take our minds off our plight

While spring blooms bust out of their buds.

NO HORSE HONEY AT THE DERBY

I went to the Derby to get some horse honey,

But, I lost my big bet now I have no more money,

So, I'll go back to the shop,

Where I'll work there non-stop,

Tears falling as my nose runs it's honey.

MY QUEST FOR DIDGERIDOO KUNG FU

I always wanted a didgeridoo,

So, I went to Australia for one with Kung Fu,

But, a dingo gave a bite,

Now, my mind ain't quite right,

And, I hop like some fat kangaroo.

 

A DRAGON NAMED BILL

There was a dragon named Bill,
His roar would give all a chill,
But, when he would tire,
He’d loose all his fire,
Then, he’d stand there perfectly still.

WHERE I GO PERCHING

Murky is the water where I catch my perch,

It's just a drainage ditch out near the canyon's old stone church,

It isn't all that far,

Driving out there with my car,

But, there's no phone so trouble could leave me in a lurch. 

BENNY GOLFED PAR WITH THE BIG BALL

Benny bought cheap glasses, and could barely see,

He used a soccer ball, when he went golfing with me,

The ball didn't travel far,

But it bounced into par,

It was a tough start, balancing the ball on the tee. 

THE TRAP ON THE GREEN

My Venus Fly Trap kills the flies,

It even eats the little guys,

It is so sad,

I feel so bad,

I cannot look them in the eyes.

WAVEY DAVY JOINS THE NAVY

My name is Ben Davey,

I did party at every ravey,

I joined the U.S. Navy,

Because I liked the gravy,

When I leave port, I give the shore a wavey.

FINGERING CHIP DIPS AND BUBBA THE DOG

I don't like it when the dog kisses me on my lips,

My hound Bubba kisses me after I eat salty kips,

He don't kiss when I eat sardines, 

Or a platter of fresh greens,

But he will lick my fingers, when I  run them through

 chip dips.

I SHARED MY HOME IN THE VILLAGE

I went into the village to find me some heat,

I found a huge box, lying free in the street,

I just got moved in,

And along comes my kin,

I let them all stay; they brought raisins to eat.

FISHING WITH TOAD

I use to go fishing with Toad,

He had a boat, but on it, he owed,

Then real early one morn,

Before the deer left the corn,

The bank took the boat down the road.

IT STINKS, BECAUSE THE DUCKS SCREWED AROUND

Two ducks travel with me in my Ford Motor car,

On long trips they pee in an old mason jar,

But one was wise-craken,  

The other laugh-quacken,

The spill smells like the urinal at the bar.

PHIL HAD DOWNHILL FUN

Donny had a red wagon, but it fit only one,

Donny  couldn't ride in it, because he weighed a ton,

So Donny sold it to Phil,

Who took it up the hill,

And went riding so fast, Phil had lots of fun.

THE GLITTER QUITTER CRITTER

Got me some eye makeup and glitter,

To make a new selfie for Twitter,

Made many fans bitter,

They called me a dimwiter,

I canceled my account, because I'm also a quitter.

ME AND TOAD GOT SNOWED

On the first day of May it snowed,

On the second day it blowed,

I did not care,

I live in despair,

I stayed indoors with my toad.

TOAD BOWELS TO.FEAR

We were exploring a dusty back road,

I and my friend/partner, Toad,

We were attacked by dire deer,

They didn't like Toad's species, I fear,

Poor toad, lost his entire bowel load.

TODAY WE CELEBRATE MAY DAY

Today we celebrate May Day, and I wished I got paid,

Worked as a plumber, gardener, and part-time meter maid,

I mow lawns for a buck,

Haul trash in my truck,

Yet I haven't got funds for one Gatorade.

HANK GOES FISHING (MISSING)

Hank went fishing in his boat with a hook, line, sinker and bobbin,

Fish were biting, but off his hook the worms they were robbin,

Then along came this toothy fish,

A thousand pounds of good nutrish,

Never found Hank, and that left the townies, all sobbin.

MELVIN MARTIN: THE PIG THONG SONG

Every single First of May,
It's Melvin Martins Day,
Melvin Martin was a pig,
That pulled Santa in his sleigh.

Melvin Martin was a silly song,
It was sang on May 1st all day long,
Martin was a silly pig,
He ate too much and got too big,
So, he burst apart his tiny thong.

If you think of Melvin Martin in a thong,
Such thoughts will bother you just all day long,
He only wore such a thing to play ping pong,
Melvin Martin in a thong is really wrong.

BARKING OFF THE WRONG TREE

Poor Lucinda got real bad sick, and turned a white and chalky way,

She ate poison tree bark, and putrefied into the clay, 

Lucinda had no money,

To leave to her son Sonny,

So Sonny moved into a box, beneath a bridge down by the bay.

 

MAY DAY

I went to the tavern called Sea & Sun, and there was a drinking fairy,

It was on May the 1st, so I thought a drunk fairy, scary,

But ho-hum, he weren't no bum,

Bought a round of drinks for those that come,

That eased chicken fears of the dark hatch, when the dead would self un-bury. 

WEE LITTLE BENNY DONE TEA

Benny wanted a much better tea,

One that gave him great joy and much glee,

Benny found a great taster,

Now he's not a tea waster,

But he spends all his time going wee.

CORN FUTURES POP AND DROP

I wanted to grow only cash crops,

I planted that corn seed that pops,

But the sun got so hot,

The seed popped on the spot,

Crows are eating the popped corn as it drops.

I CHOSE THE FREE RIDE OFFER

I ran into a zebra, and he kissed me on the face,

He had a big sloppy tongue, smelled like pork in a meat case,

I tried not to hurt feelings,

But I had other dealings,

With a kissing camel, who'd give me a free ride, anyplace.🐪

TERMINATOR MAIL

My email said I was terminated,

Said my last check would be prorated,

It would reflect my slow pace,

1/3 of my pay base,

I felt cheated, and quite underrated.  

MUNCHIES FOR MAGGOTS

I eat maggots because they taste so good,

I eat maggots because I feel I should,

I eat maggots with a dash of clay,

Cannot crawl out my belly that way,

I'd rather eat maggots, than a Red Ridding Hood.

Kindergarten Blues

If I have to drink tea again, I'm going to resign,

Some days I want coffee, some days I pine wine,

In kindergarten, all day,

I am stuck there with no pay,

Staying home with mommy, watching soaps, suits me fine.

WHEN NEW LIFE FINDS A WAY, I FIND A FLY SWATTER

The first flies of spring were busy buzzing at my door,

Then, I tapped them with a fly swatter and, they went straight down to the floor,

It seems like every spring, 

I am killing everything,

Spring is when new life unfolds then, on new life I wage a war.

CHICKPEA CHICKEN OF THE SEA SALTS

I got me an old hen, but I ain't got no corn,

So my Cornish hen, I cannot fully adorn,

I got some chickpeas,

And some salt from the seas,

For my chickpea hen, I'll start the oven mid-morn.

I NEED AI CAUSE MY BRAIN CELLS DONE DIE

Artificial intelligence is what I really need,

If I had the AI, maybe I could learn to read,

Went to church school every summer,

Killed my brain cells, what a bummer,

NowI need brain implants, so I life I might succeed.

AI

I got artificial intelligence, so I went to ask my doctor "why?"

He told me it was an inherited disease that I'll have until I die,

He said my brain was out to lunch,

Caused by many a head punch,

So I got a punchy brain; AI insane, and I'm trending to lie, lie.

While Fungal Harvesting, Watch Out For Your Shoes

Whilst I cleaned fungus, from between my toes, at Lou's,

An alien from mars, stole my brand new blue/pink shoes,

That Martian, done a real bad,

I squeezed him hard, he got sad,

Now he's just a puddle of runny Martian ooze. 

DUMPED BY PHIL, GREW WEED OF DILL

I got depressed when I got left by my Phil,

So I got me some dill seeds and grew me some dill,

My licenced dill farm,

Done no one no harm,

 Till I powdered the dill weed and made a thrill pill.

MY TOAD CHEWED EARS

My toad likes to nibble my ears,

I said, "stop, or I'll cut off your beers",

He did not stop,

So he's drinking just pop,

But he spikes it, that's what I fears.

MY SPACESHIP WENT BOOM II

My big spaceship; it went boom,

Some said it was my financial doom,

But I got all the money,

From my government honey,

Politicians, I know how to groom.

BOOM WENT THE SPACESHIP

I launched a big, big spacecraft, and it blew up in the sky,

I lost a billion dollars, the people below the ship, only die,

Lucky I got a subsidy,

Others lost money, not me,

I got given even more money, next time my ship might fly.

,

MY SQUIRREL AND THE EAGLE FLEW OFF TOWARD THE LEIGH

My pet squirrel ran up a tree,
For I had trained him to pick the nuts for me,
Then, along came an eagle,
And, he did something illegal,
Grabbing my squirrel and flying off toward the leigh.

MY ROOMMATE IS A DIRTY DOG

My roommate is a dirty dog,
He ate my groceries, he is such a big hog,
The toilet he won’t flush,
Or give it a brush,
To ask him to sweep is like asking a log.

MY KITH AND KIN FINALLY GOT SOME BRAINS BETWEEN 'EM

I was attacked by zombies, and they were my kith and kin,

They opened my head, ate my brains like sardines in a tin,

Fed kids who were poor,

The old ones who snore,

All were satisfied by me, as I fed them their din, din.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW, SICK TOAD

Some guy got lost way out in my woods,

We robbed him, we were dressed with yellow hoods,

I told him, "follow my bro, The Toad",

"He knows the way to the main road,

Toad is always sick, because he don't bath like he shoulds."

LITTLE THREE BEANS EATS, THEN PLAYS HULA HOOPS

Little Three Beans loved his salty, sippy soups,

He use to love salads, but they gave him poops,

Three Beans never eats meats,

Because they smell like feets,

Three Beans eats carbs, before he plays hula hoops. 

THE WEIRD LITTLE VAMPIRE BITES WOOD

There was a little vampire, who bit me on my leg,

I implored him not to, because my leg was a wood peg,

He then felt lots of grief,

When he broke off his teeth,

Now he goes to blood banks, for his nourishment he must beg.

DUH OR DO RHYMES WITH KANGAROO?

Why do they call it Florida, instead of Florido?

Would you rather call it duh, or rhyme it with kangaroo? 

Names should be real sweetie cute,

Gives recognition a toot, toot,

Guess I'll say no more about duh, or I'll get kicked hard by the boot.

He'll Never Eat Zombie Again

The zombies came for a meal of my brains,

I killed them with my saw that spins chains,

Zombie parts flew everywhere,

Smell attracted a big bear,

Zombie meat gave the big bear belly pains.

FOLLOW THE DESIGNATED TRAIL

My snow machine didn't stay on the designated trail,

When a tree stoped the machine, my bod went for a sail,

The tree trunk was quite hard,

It stoped me, I was jarred,

I didn't know my body was so incredibly frail.

CELEBRATE SPRING'S BIRTH DAY, NOT BIRTHDAY

I love the birth day of the spring,

It lures me to both jig and sing,

But the snow,

It did not go,

It's kinda a loose string.

MY FAJITA FELL ON THE FLOOR

My fajita fell onto the kitchen floor,
I was sad because I couldn't make anymore,
I had no meats, veggies, cheeses,

To make a fajita that pleases,

I was feeling extremely fajita poor.

TIM IN LOVE

Every time Tim fell in love,💘💘💘 his love was unrequited,💔💔💔 

Though Tim's hurt gave him great misery😿😿😿💦💦💦,Tim's love was quite delighted,😁😁😁🐷🐷🐷

The loved💩💩💩, not love, is so cruel,😈😈😈

Heart breaker, then ridicule,😂😂😂👹👹👹👻👻👻🖕🖕🖕

Tim lives forever with misery, other's choices cannot be righted.😭😭😭🍺🍺🍺🍹🍹🍹🍸🍸🍸

THE BUG AWAY POWER OF CREAMS

My brother, from the time he was six,

Was crawling with head lice and ticks,

He had bug away power,

By taking a shower,

And anti-itch cream was the fix.

MY COMPANY MOVED OVER SEAS

My company moved over seas,
Now, I'm broke and down on my knees,
My boss is well fed,
I'm starving and half dead,
I'd eat snot; would someone please sneeze.

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He's moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep but, he's also my peer,

My team last season didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs in the fall.

THEY LISTENED TO A MOOSE

There once was a wise moose named Fred,

Everyone would do just as Fred said,

Fred said to swim like an otter,

Drink your weight in water,

Then everyone all peed to bed.

SILENCE OF THE CAR PHONE

I thought I would make a car phone,
So, I got a long cord on a loan,
But, the cord didn't reach car,
Now, I'm still in my car,
And, don't even have a dial tone. 

THE DESPERATELY HUNGRY FISHERMAN LIMERICK

Carl went fishing and stepped on a hook,
It hurt really bad and he didn't want to look,
He had caught his big toe,
And, Carl didn't know,
If he had a toe recipe in his cook book.
 

GRANDMA BABYSITTER

While ma worked as a seamstress for grocery pay,

Grandma watched Dorothy each and every day,

Dorothy was real small,

Grandma, big and tall,

When Dorothy's feet hit the ground, Dorothy ran fast away.

OTTO PASSED MASS

Otto's tummy cramped real bad,

That made Otto very sad,

Then Otto did a pass,

Of a hard, hard mass,

It was the largest mass Otto ever had.

CUDDLE BUNNIES

I went out strolling with some little Easter Bunnies,

They ate Easter markdown chocolates, and got the Easter runnies,

The sick bunnies made me sad,

Their recovery made me glad,

They all cuddled up next to me, and became my bunny honeys. 

I'M DRIFTING TOWARD A MEGA STAR

I'm drifting toward a mega star,💀

In my new blue spaceship car,😞🚙

You just don't get a gravity pass,😒

When your car runs out of gas,⛽😱

I do have a backseat wet bar. 🍹🤗

 

THE WAY THAT JOHNNY ATE CHICKEN

Whenever Johnny ate chicken,
You could hear his teeth go a clickin',
He sucked the meat off the bones,
With the most vulgar tones,
And oh yes, he'd be finger lickin'.

THE EASTER PIG

🐖🐖🐖My little pet pig ran off to be free,🐷🐷🐷
But, hunters got him as he hid in a tree,😱😭🐗
Not knowing his name was Sam,🐽🐽🐽
The hunters saw him as another ham,🍖🍖🍖
He was served on Easter Sunday at three.🕒🕒🕒