I ONCE WAS DOPE

I rode on my new tricycle, and everyone said, I was dope,

I rode it straight up a steep hill, when all others gave up, and lost hope,

The next side, I went down by design,

It was a drop off, didn't end so fine,

Now, it will take a year to mend bones, and with the pain, it's hard to cope.

THERE USE TO BE THESE THINGS

There use to be these mythical, strange things, that the wisest, called  books,

You would turn over a cover, and give the pages some close looks,

I was not prepared,

The words made me scarred,

But, I had to keep looking, because the ideas were like hooks.

WHAT BOOMER'S LIKED TO EAT

People were nicknamed "Boomer", because they ate only beans and cabbage,

Then every night at midnight, their bowels spewed something, smelling savage,

You could hear erupting power,

Some blasts required a shower,

I felt sorry for porcelain johns, their bowls, Boomer's sought to ravage.

MY BIG BROTHER, DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT MY BRAIN

I have neuronal degeneration, my older brother said,

In a few hours I'd suffer doom, and he'd get my water bed,

At first I felt dismay,

But, I didn't die that day,

My older brother plays these games, after he bops me in my head.

A HORNY FACE AND POVERTY, DOES NOT A WINNER MAKE

Why do so many suffer with a life of discourage?

Because success is based on looks and peerage,

If you are poor born,

Looks, face should have 2 horn,

Then you can never climb up from the steerage.

BOOMER TOWN

I entered a town, where everyone must be a Boomer,

You had to be at least 60, to become a rent roomer,

They play lame video games, all day,

At night, before tv screens, they stay,

One drove around a Corvette, at least that guy was a zoomer.

MY PARTICIPLE GOT GONGED

My home schooling mommy, said I was doing my participle, all wrong,

Mommy did not say what the problem was, she just banged my tin, toy gong,

Then she sent me straight to bed,

Without my teddy bear, Fred,

I hope she does not make me lay here, until my toe nails grow two feet long.

SHARING WEEDS WITH MY MICHIGAN MOOSE

With a Michigan moose, I formed a real tight bond,

We both liked to chew on weeds, in a holding pond,

To make pond weeds to be tasty,

Do not chew on them, too hasty,

Or, they'll be bitter, and that's a taste, I'm not fond.

I SHOULD HAVE MY PhD, BUT MY AI WAS DRUNK

I fired my new AI, because he staggered to work, drunk,

Both of his green eyes were bloody red, and inwardly, had sunk,

He saw I was real mad,

But, he smirked, that was bad,

Then, when writing my doctoral thesis, he churned out junk.

LIVE VICARIOUSLY, BY BUILDING AN AI FAMILY LIFE

I am an AI Daddy; they sell me at The AI Family Store,

I'm sold at a reasonable price, but an AI Mommy, costs much more,

There is an AI Sister, and an AI Brother,

Change out a couple parts, can't tell one, from the other,

There's many choices for family homes, from penthouse rich, to two tent poor.

SICK SAM THE HAM

There once was a real mean, grouchy old pig, everyone called him, Sick Sam,

He was always blowing his big, snout nose, because he was one old, ill ham,

Sam got syrup, for being sick,

And, got all well, miracle quick,

Sam became a cough syrup spokesperson, and married his sweetheart, Pig Pam.

THE PUKE THAT PUT ME IN JAIL

I washed down a crusty, dry doughnut, with a soda pop,

I started to puke, and was observed, by a passing cop,

The cop took me to jail,

Where I puked in a pail,

My bro, Mike bailed me out, and I went to his crib, to flop.

THE CAT SLEEPING IN THE WINDOW

My cat is sleeping in the window, while we're visiting Southern France,

She is staring at some butterflies, as the afternoon hours advance,

She will soon be sunbeam napping,

As her dreaming legs, start flapping,

She will wakeup just before supper, and do her ballet, stretchy leg, dance.

BASEMENT BOY 2: MAMA BITES BUTT

Basement Boy had a big rat, nesting in Basement Boy's couch,

When Basement Boy's butt plopped down, the rat bit Basement Boy, "ouch",

The rat didn't have rabies,

But, it had ten babies,

Basement Boy talked trash, about the rat, said she was a grouch.  

THE EAGLE AND THE KITTIES, ONE, TWO, AND THREE?

There is a great, big eagle, sitting up in my backyard tree,

He sits there staring down upon, my new cat that I named, Three,

Both my One and Two kitty,

Went missing, what a pity,

Now, I stay close with my shotgun, and the big bird lets Three be.

CAMPING WITH ADJUSTMENTS

I stuck up my tent cabin, in a forest, near a beaver damed,  lake,

I figured for my late night suppers, fish from the cold lake, I could take,

I could side dish, some beans and rice,

I'll add some pepper, for a spice,

Alas, no fish did I take, so I had a rice beans, and bacon bake.

INTERESTING CAKE MY PUPPY LOVES

I use to spruce up my baked cakes, with nuts and berries from the store,

Now I spruce up my homemade cakes, by adding sweeping from the floor,

My cakes aren't what they use to be,

They're only ate by my  puppy,

Hint:  the best chunky sweepings, I find on the mat by the backdoor.

ELECTRIC FAIRY LIGHTS, OR TIKI TORCH? MY KID LIKES ONE, LOTS MORE

I could not find my fairy lights, for my weekend cookout, on the porch,

I looked all through my garage, and settled for those tiki with the torch,

Of course things became dire,

My house burned down in the fire,

Every time my kid sees any fire, the earth she tries to scorch.

WARNING, KIDS:  DO NOT PLAY WITH FIRE

WHEN THE MICROBES AIN'T DEAD

Grandma does not cook the food she prepares, until all the microbes are dead,

That's what dinner guests ponder on the toilet; that's what's going through their head.

Why, to grandma's house go?

When her cooking brings woe?

For some, it's an emergency ride, and a month in a hospital bed.

CRAWDADS AND THE PUPPY

I like to eat fresh crawdads, and put fresh crawdads in my stew,

I add some peppers, and grind some spice, and share my stew with you,

My puppy gets real mad,

If he gets no crawdad,

So, I save him the stinky, rank ones, so he gets crawdads too.

REFLECTIONS OF THE SCHOOL BULLY

I stepped outside my mama's old trailer, and it was very cool,

It was almost June, but I felt like a forever, April fool,

I have absolutely, no friends,

That's how every season ends,

But, I am the biggest bully, and most talked kid about in school.

MEATBALLS AND MOLARS

My ma's fancy meatballs, came out dry, hard and flaky,

They should be like a  moist, soft, chewy piece of steaky,

I did, just all that I could, 

With a stove, heated with wood,

Chewing on my meat balls, has made my back molars achy.

I CREATED SUPER HUMANS, SO NOW WE'LL CONQUER SPACE

To give them the ability to travel through space,

I re-engineered the creatures, called the "human race",

They need little oxygen to survive,

At high radiation levels, they thrive,

Through skin they absorb moisture, any time, any place.

PICNIC 2025

I went and caught some grayling, and I fixed them with a some pinto beans,

I would have flavored them with steak sauce, but for the price, I have no means,

I then, ate some runny s'mores,

Then washed out my facial pores, 

After all that, I pulled off my shirt, and changed out of my skinny jeans.

SAD MISTRESS MAGGIE: HER BOYFRIEND GOT BAGED

My poor, old dog, her name is Mistress Maggie,  

Her crying eyes, her listless ears, are saggy,7

It is my belief,

She's consumed with grief,

Since her boyfriend died; his head, caught in a baggy.

MOM'S WATTLE HOUSE, AND BIRD FOOD

My mom has lived in a little, cozy, wattle house,

Ever since she lost my dear dad, her devoted  spouse,

She lives down by the old slurry,

That dumps into the Missouri,

Mom eats by hunting birds, like pigeons, peckers and grouse.

MAMA GETS HER MEAT

I take better, cheddar cheese, and add a cup of rice,

I mix it up real well, adding in some salty spice,

Sometimes for a big treat,

Mama demands some meat,

Meat is too pricy, unless it comes from household mice.

BEES GIVE US FRUIT, AND DADDY GIVES US MEAT

Soon, all the bees, will become quite dead,

That is what my homeroom teacher, said,

It is the hard working bees,

That stick the fruit to our trees,

My daddy gets our deer meat, with lead.

SOME DAYS, FINANCIAL FRAUD IS HARD

My banker informed me, I'm quickly going broke, it would seem,

Nobody is investing, in my coins that are known as meme

The coins display my pretty face,

They're attractive, in any case,

I spiffed them up with a polish, to bring out their golden gleam .

FAST, TIME TRAVEL SHOES, AND AN OPEN DOOR

In order to time travel into the past, I bought a new pair of shoes,

Walking backward real fast, causes travel into the past; it's in the news,

I tried a launch, once before,

But, I ran into a door,

This time, I'll open the door in advance, and avoid, pre-launch party, booze.

THE SURVIVALIST

I've got canned hams on order, to survive all the troubles that come,16

I have my still set up, to make many bottles of "thunder rum",16

Yet, I pontificate rhymes,

In these perhaps, final times,

I squirreled away bottles of anti-acids, for my tum, tum.

PHYSICS OR PHYS ED: THE LIFE OF BENNY

Benny grabbed a sharp pencil, to work out the, "Theory Of Everything ",

But, all he worked out with his pencil, was constipation; ouch! did that sting,

Since Benny was a boy,

The maths were his toy,

But, Benny is a school gym teacher, still dreaming of girls, fame and bling.

A NONSENSE POEM ABOUT EINSTEIN AND MY KITTY

I traveled back in time, and met Einstein sipping his tea,

He was also combing out his hair, to look respectful and pretty,

He said, I could avoid being impaired,

If I thought about things being squared,

Of course, the only thing I wanted was a box for my kitty.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

TRICK OR TREATING IN NEWBURY

We went Trick Or Treating, in Newbury, to see what that was about,

It was Memorial Day weekend, so no candy was handed out,

So, what trick did we play,

I really, should not say,

But, we used lots of toilet paper, which made the big policeman, shout.

TOLERATING CHILDREN IN 2025

Deep in the basement, is where all my kids, should forever be,

Playing video games, or watching reality tv,

I'd feed them crackers and cheese,

And, apple juice and canned peas,

If they want an education, they could have ChatGPT.

CHEMICAL PLANT + ALLIGATOR + TOURIST = HORROR STORY

There is a local alligator, I believe his name is Sammy,

He ate a roasted tater, along with that missing tourist, Tammy,

Sammy lives in a deep, dark ditch,

The water's warm, but there's a glitch,

It runs off from a chemical plant, and the water makes you whammy.

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

QUALITY CHIPS FOR DIPS

They were all real sad, when they got back from shopping for chips in town,

They could not find a single bag of chips, that was not busted down,

We have many delicious chip dips,

That will not work with broken chips,

All we have is celery, so it's beddy bye, in my nightgown.  

I'M DOWN TO TWO BARBIES AND SCOTT

I'm down to two Barbies, and that's all I got,

I got one GI Joe, and his name is Scott,

They still party hard,

And, let down their guard,

I'd get a third Barbie, but they cost a lot.

THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST FAIRIES, WANTS TO EAT FACE

Everybody says, I deserve the face eating, that I got,

Because, I did really stupid stuff, furthering an evil plot,

Didn't know those purloined cherries,

Were owned by forest fairies,

Their pet leopard ate my pretty face, leaving my dead body, to rot.

DEXTER, THE UNCONVENTIONAL R

Dexter is no ordinary, house rat,

He wears pantaloons,a and a pirate's straw hat,

Dexter's in a band, plays base,

Has a deep thinker face,

When cats creep up behind him, Dexter farts and yells, "SCAT!".

TRINA, AND HER YELLOW SCOOTER, ADVENTURE

Trina got a yellow scooter, and she scooted, to town around,

Trina looked for scooter parking, but no parking was ever found,

Tina's eyes got all teared,

She was Twilight Zoned, she feared,

Forced forever to keep lot searching, with a weirdo, music sound.

OH, GIVE ME A SQUAT, WITH A SAUNA THAT'S HOT

I went camping in somebody's very private, backyard,

They  had gone overseas, and had no neighbors for a guard,

They had a sauna and pool,

That kept nights warm, and days cool,

After arrested, I find my jail bed is cold and hard.

HIGH GROCERY PRICES: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

I drove over to the big box grocery store, and what's up?

I can't afford a meager breakfast, lite lunch, or simple sup,

I'll layoff most of the kids,

Sell my home, I will take bids,

I'll set our dog free, so starving cubs, can't gas grill the pup.

BAKING FOR OPEN WIDE BOWELS

I baked some strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Instead of wheat flour, I subed rye,

Rye is more healthy, you know,

Rye helps bowels open, and flow,

Once relieved, most release a great sigh.

A LOCAL ROLLERBLADER, STOLE ALL OF MAMA'S MARMALADE

Someone raided my big, kitchen pantry, and stole all of my fancy, marmalade,

They probably took it to Sunshine Town, where it's worth its weight in gold, in a trade,

They might trade it for whisky, made of corn,

Or, those magazines, descent people scorn,

Most likely, they traded to get into that park, where kids skateboard, and rollerblade.

EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY, GOT CANNED

The next door, family of cannibals, put me, and my family in jars,

We were all set in front of a window, so at night, we can all watch the stars,

We're together, that's not, so bad,

But, as they eat each jar, that's sad,

There's always a chance, the cannibals will be found out, and soon be behind bars.

DATING RITUALS, AND UNREQUITED LOVE

Poor old, teenager, Sad Zack, laid crying on his back,

Crying over attractiveness, Zackery, did lack,

When he talked to girls,

He often had the hurls,

Sometimes Zack would pick his nose, and offer up a snack.

DON QUIXOTE'S KITE

My new kite got stuck in a windmill, and round and round the kite went,

The kite has been stuck there sixteen years, and still, I give a mad vent,

The wood frame looks degraded,

The plastic  cover is faded,

I asked the windmill owner to retrieve my plane, he said "no"; he's no gent.

THE TEMPLE OF THE BLOGGER GOD

Willis is the blogging god, Willis rules media, and is alone,

For in his head is his cordless keyboard, and a 5G cellphone,

To media, he's a non-conforming, guy,

In one minute, Willis disposed of AI,

Willis keeps publishing thoughts from his brain; big media picks a bone.

TAINTED ALMONDS OF LOVE

I bought some delicious, almond nuts, and they were all tainted,

With some nasty bacteria, the almonds had been painted,

I took them back to the drug store,

Where I bought them, the day before,

I met someone at the store; on a date, we got acquainted.

TEACHER WAS RIGHT, WHO KNEW?

Today, I went to a doctor, and he insisted I was brain dead,

He was a specialist, so I had to agree, with all that he said, 

My brain is dead and cold,

Covered with slimy mold,

This was such an unsettling, strange, day, ; I went home and went to bed.

I NEED A BABE WHO GETS MOSTLY D'S

School just got out, and I mostly got C's,

My pretty baby, got almost all B's,

Because I'm not as smart,

We' growing far, far apart,

I'm looking for a new babe, who does D's.

THE LAST WATTLE HOUSE STANDING

My uncle built his beautiful home, out of forest, wattle wood,

It took my uncle nearly 10 years, because he wattled it good,

In a summer storm, it did win,

Lasted through the tornado spin,

It was the last standing wattle house, in the wattle neighborhood.

I LOST A TEAR

I lost a tear, when I stubbed my tiny toe,

I lost a tear, when I lost my brother, Beau,

It does not take my eyes long,

Before they look red, that's wrong,

So, I carry eye drops, to cover-up woe.

BLACK HOLE FRIDAY

I fell into a big black hole, and that ruined my entire day,

I was there in silenced eternity, with no light to guide my way, 

So my frazzled nerves could unwind,

I watched a movie in my mind,

I took to watching brain stored movies, until my young, lost bod, they find.

COLD DADDY AND THE BEAR

A bear wandered up my driveway, and ate a couple of my kids,

My wife, she got extremely hysterical, I just thought, "good rids",

They were both over 35,

Took my money, to stay alive,

I suppose, I will have to sell their stuff; I'll ask around for bids.

LIMERICK ON LIMERICKS

Some say, the inspiration for limericks, starts up in the nose,

Others believe limericks start growing, between foot jammy toes,

Wherever limericks start,

Limericks are a fine art,

Limericks can laud happy times, or reinforce woe within woes.

I INVENTED A CHAIR THAT REQUIRES NO UNDERWARE

I took a great idea, and  brought it to power,

I set a chair inside, my big bathroom shower,

It's like a washing machine,

You get a full body clean,

While, napping upright, for a day, or an hour.