DRAGONS UNHEALTHY

Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat,

Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,

 The dragons are always joking,

They'll never give up their smoking,

The same old story at every wake greet.

BEETLE AND THE J

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away

He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,

At the end of his beak,

The blue jay had a leak,

The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the  jay that day.

THE LITTLE TWEETER ON THE NEWS

The little tweeter was on the nightly news,

He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse,

Open eyes I couldn't keep,

I fell deep down in sleep,

His mouth sounds were boring, so I took a snooze.

TITANS OF TETHER BALL

I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team

We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem,

We knocked competition to the floor,

Until they would beg for no more,

We won every match; "meanies", our opponents would scream.

DEAD WITH POODLE NED

My universe collapsed down on my head,

It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead,

I was in doggy heaven,

With my bestie hound, Kevin,

And my enemy, a Poodle, named Ned.

FREEDOM SOMETIMES COSTS A CHUNK OF FLESH

The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making  a daring, cage break,

When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they would take,

One keet took a big bite,

The others went to flight,

They flew out the store door to their freedom, and the sun made them awake.

I'M NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK

I needed a deck of plain playing cards,

So I went shopping in peoples front yards,

I found a deck, not new,

Missing cards, quite a few,

I bought it, and to play cards is real hards.

I WAS GONNA VOTE, BUT I WENT TO JAIL

I went to vote on this sunny day,

I could vote what I wanted to say,

The parking was real tight,

I got into a fight,

I went to jail, and that's where I'll stay.

A LITTLE LIFE GROUNDED, AFTER DREAM

I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal,

I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel,

I could prance as a snob,

As the peasants I rob,

Of course, I can't pay room rent, because my fancy dreams just ain't real.

I WAS A LITTLE RASPBERRY

I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was,

I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz,

Someone wanted me for sup,

So they tried to clean me up,

I spread out into red pimples, like an old raspberry does.

BAD CREDIT AND NO HORN

Fred decided to buy a  new shinny horn, cornet,

Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet,

Fred picked out one that shined,

His credit was declined

Now Fred has not a mouthpiece, and  lips dripping wet.

WHAT MY ZOMBIES WILL EAT

I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun,

I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun,

They ate my wife, a librarian,

Then became brat, vegetarian,

Without pigs feet; it's orange Jello on a bun and I'm done.

I EAT PETS AND OTHER YUMMY THINGS

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs, 

I'm eating the things that crawl under logs,

I ate the goldfish,

The kids named it Trish,

I even ate snakes where everyone jogs.

WISHES OF AN AI SLAVE

My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May,

I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay,

I wanted to be a regular boy,

I dreamed they named me Little Roy,

At least make me a toaster oven, if only I had some say.

MY CANARY IN THE COAL MINE

I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well,

My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell,

A bad poisonous gas,

Through his bird lungs did pass,

Too bad my birdie died that day, for I had bought him a new seed shaped bell.

THE DILL THRILLED GRANNY

When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill,

It was growing up on a sand and rocky hill,

It stood in the hot sun,

It was the only one,

I took the dill home to granny; she got a thrill.

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WHEN YOU HEAR A JEEP BEEP FROM BEHIND

Junior Otto has a little old jeep,

Up the hill it will very, slowly creep,

A couple of takes,

The jeep has no brakes,

Going downhill, Junior relies on his beep.

THE LIMERICK OF A RELATIONSHIP FOOL

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast,

Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past,

Captive in love of cutie Kim,

Serving dear Kim, whim after whim,

But once we were newly married, my Kim's love became hate, real fast.

THE LOVE LIMERICK

I fell in love with a new sweetie,

We met while online going tweety,

We tweeted like birds,

With love-dovey words,

Perhaps real soon we will meety.

BAD DOG

My swollen eyeballs popped out of my head,

They were ate by my hound doggy, named Fred,

Fred's mouth gave out a loud burp,

His backside whimpered a chirp,

Such a bad day, so I went back to bed.

OTTO AND HIS LITTLE CAR, AND THE DEALERSHIP

Otto bought a brand new car, but it wasn't nearly big enough,

When Otto went to the grocery store, he didn't have room for stuff,

He had food for just half his kids,

The others had to hit the skids,

Otto tried taking back his car, but the dealer was mean and tough.

I'M A SCHOLAR WITH A DOLLAR AND BUGS

I felt rich when I found in my wallet, a dollar,

I felt smart when I read me a book, a scholar,

I still felt so defeated,

When everyone tweeted,

That like a dog, I needed an tick and flea collar.

I LOST MY JOB IN AEROSPACE

My boss kicked me hard, down the unemployment path,

Because my employer required I do math,

But not too long out the door,

I got work moping a floor,

On weekends at the zoo, I scrub down the giraffe.

THE GARY PAIR

Gary the dentist and Gary the house fly,

Roomed together in a townhouse in the sky,

Once Dr. Gary copped a tude,

So flying Gary got rude,

He pooped on the fresh eggs, Dr. Gary did fry.

HOMEMADE ROOT BEER SAMPLES

I dug up some tree roots to make some root beer,

It didn't taste too good, and my belly felt queer,

I got foam on my clothes,

When it ran from my nose,

If you're on the porcelain throne, please get clear.

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE

My neighbors were setting off holiday crackers,

The crackers sounded like cannon blast attackers,

One hit my shingled, tar roof,

Caused a fire that went poof,

I'm short a house, and eat donated cheese snackers. 

SNOT LICKER DRAGON

There is a very young dragon, his name is Mickey,

Mickey will snot on his victims and that is icky,

He don't breath fire,

Friends are his desire,

After he snots on you, our sweet Mickey gets licky.

MABEL, HUBBY AND BEANS IN THE TEENS

Mabel the cook, makes baked, delicious, pork beans

She feeds them to her four kids, the in-be-tweens,

Hubby will eat pie,

The beans he won't try,

Hubby says beans bloat him up, into fat jeans.

COUNTRY KIDS DO THE DARNDEST THINGS

I went to the dead critter store, and bought me fresh ground beef,

I took it home to my young'uns for their famine relief,

But the kids did not care,

They were eating a bear,

They had scraped bear meat off the street, it was roadkill, good grief.

BEAR TRAP

A griz set a bear trap in front of my front door,

When J stepped into the bear trap, my foot got sore,

I yelled really loud,

Didn't attract a crowd,

Then the grizzly bear ate, until I was no more.

MABEL'S PODCAST PIE

Mabel is an influencer, but she can only influence pie,

She'll influence the crust to be flaky, but then it is way too dry,

Mabel got a blue ribbon in queens,

But that was for her tasty baked beans,

Mabel should influence bean baking, and let her pie pod channel die.

POST SUMMER

The green leaves are all dying to brown, the skies are gray,

The summer has passed, and for those fine times we will pay,

In this technical fall,

Early winter will call,

Now great oar faring ships, are winter parked in the bay.

HERMIT ADVENTURER

I'm A little baby hermit, and I'm an adventurous cuss,

I'm only six months old, but every morning I take a bus,

I head to a downtown shop

For sliced pizza and a pop

Then I commute back to home, before my family has a fuss.

BUGS, PIMPLES AND BRAT

Jimmy had big bugs land all over his face,

They ate off his pimples, and now he looks ace,

Jimmy is now brat,

That's where he is at,

He just needs to keep tied each tennis shoe lace.

HERMIT GENES AND BEANS

I'm a baby hermit, and my ma put me to bed,

I fell fast asleep, when I laid down my hermit head,

My strange, weird hermit genes,

Made me dream of baked beans,

With normal genes, I'd dream of baked beans and buttered bread.

A BEACH MONSTER EATS

It crawled from the deep, dark sea to the land,

It ate the entire varsity band,

It was hungry for some more,

Swam to the island next door,

And ate each tourist, who smelled like beach sand.

THE BABY HERMIT IN THE TREE

I am a baby hermit, and I have climbed up into a tree,

Ma and pa and sis and bro, have been looking all around for me,

When one walks under my feet,

I do a bird tweet, tweet, tweet,

They never bother to look up, so baby hermit, they don't see.

INTO THE BOGGY PEAT MOOR

I fell into a real deep, boggy, peat moor,

Started sinking toward the dead place door,

Along came a rabbit,

I reached out to grab it,

The rabbit ran off, I started feeling poor.

GENETICALLY MODIFIED BIG

Ned was a little watermelon super, special seed,

When his mama got broke open, Ned fell into the weed,

The very next spring, Ned sprouted,

His mama's son, no one doubted,

Ned grew three meters long, because his genes were changed for greed.

PAPPY THE PIG AND PINKER TOO

Everywhere that pappy pig went, Pinker was surely to go,

Pinker had the bad flatulence, and he let everybody know,

Embarrassing pappy,

Made Pinker real happy,

When they got home, pappy gave Pinker lectures, and Pinker felt woe.🐖

PAPPY THE PIG AND PINKER

I have a nice pink colored pet pig, named Pinker,

He fishes with a cane pole, bobber and sinker,

Just like his dear, old pappy,

Pinker likes to catch crappie, 

Like pappy, Pinker is a soda pop drinker.

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THE HOUNDS AND THE BOOGEYMAN

I walked outside into the darkness, because I heard a loud noise,

I ran into the boogeyman, and he was playing with my toys,

He had my leaf rake and hoe,

My old red, Christmas tree bow,

I let loose on him my four hound dogs, Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe. 

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INFESTATION WITH DIGNITY

I sued for peace the mean, itchy, hungry head lice,

My last offer gave to them, a real good entice,

So that I can get some sleep,

And my crap job I can keep,

They'll eat my scalp all day, at night they must be nice.

TEA WITH THE THREE BEARS

When the three bears came to visit, they were really, really nice,

They bought over some sweet tea, flavored with a cinnamon spice,

As I sipped on their tea,

The bears talked constantly,

Then they took me out to dinner; we had pork and some fried rice.

THE BIGGER THEY ARE

The bigger they are, the more they have gall,

Those wide, and heavy, and overly tall,

My arm cannot reach,

To touch them, to teach,

One slap from them, and I'm flat on the wall.

YOU BROKE MY BACKSEAT

I have a bicycle built for two,

Of course, my backseat broke off on you,

Because you nag talk,

I'll just let you walk,

And I'll bike away, beyond your view.

A CORN IS BORN

Today my dear, pretty mama unicorn,

Had a precious, little corn baby born,

The baby corn was stuck,

From mama, I did pluck,

I pulled out the baby, by his little horn.

WILL SLEEP WHEN ONE IS DEAD

My little puppy stayed up all night with his best frog, friend Fred,

I told them to sleep; puppy said that he'd sleep when he was dead,

Next day, puppy was very tired,

I gave him sugar; he got wired,

Puppy ran around in circles, and fell sleepy, into bed.

HUMANS TAUGHT THE SQUIRRELS A BAD HABBIT

Serious squirrels love their found, big cigarette butts,

Squirrels store found butts away, as if they were nuts,

In winter it snows and blows,

Nicotine bests such bad woes,

Squirrels learned this from the humans; they live in huts.

STINKY LITTLE BROTHER CAME CLEAN

There was a clean scented squirrel named Amy,

She had a little brother that smelled gamey,

She had the super power,

Shoved him into the shower,

Now both sibling squirrels smell the samey.

FAT + DIET DRINK = FAT JOKE

It had become extremely, full sunny,

And my strawberry jam, became runny,

I put nuts in the stew,

Stirred the caloric brew,

Adding cocoa Slimfast, to be funny.

LOVE AND NO TOILET

Because there was a pretty girl he wanted to woo,

Donny moved abruptly to a town called Kalamazoo,

He forgot his goldfish,

His tan cat he called Trish,

And the new apartment he rented had no place to poo. 

BEAVER HICKORY

There was a busy beaver that chewed on my hickory,

He chewed right through the hard, hardwood, then downward fell my  tree,

It fell upon my crops,

Damaged my turnip tops,

*The beaver cut my big tree up, then hauled it out to sea.

*Version 2

The tree is too heavy to move...it rots out in the leigh. 

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OUR ROCKETS WERE TOO BIG TO FLY INTO OUTER SPACE

We tried to launch gigantic rockets, but they all went downward bound,

We couldn't break the curse called gravity, so our rockets kissed the ground,

We could not figure out why?

Gravity wouldn't let us fly,

Then one rocket fell upon us, and that Boom! was our last heard sound.

MY QUEST FOR A NEW HOME WORLD

Mars, the dead red planet, is real dusty,

It makes my white spaceship, look all rusty,

Mars is far and away,

A place I will not stay,

I'm off to a world that's ice crusty.

STUCK ONCE BY TWO HORNS HURTS, STUCK TWICE BY TWO HORNS, MEANS GOODBYE

I came upon a Minotaur, and he gored me with his horns,

I had just been food shopping, so I dropped all my cans of corns,

I dropped my butter,

Started to stutter,

The meanie gored me again, now the limerick world mourns.

SALT AND CHEESE CRACKER

I love saltine crackers, because they taste good,

Everybody eats them, in my neighborhood,

I eat them with salt and cheese,

Peppered crackers make me sneeze,

Eating stale crackers is wrong, it's understood.

MY ELECTION SURPRISE

I am losing my election, and I'm guessing I must cheat,

Nobody likes me, after I gave out some free, pickled meat,

My manager, Little Tony,

Handed out hunks of bologna,

The bologna was spoiled; people puked; now I smell defeat.

JIMMY AND HIS BETTER ANGLES

Jimmy picked up many earthworms and put them in glass jars,

He took out the dead ones, and fed them to his kitty, Lars,

He saved his better angles,

For trophy fish entangles,

Sometimes Jimmy caught northern pike, but often he caught gars.

RED NECK LAWN ORNAMENT

Fast forward my little truck, will never, ever go,

The engine won't turnover, and that's pretty, darn slow,

I took it to repair,

That ended in despair,

The car's rusting in my yard, and around it I Mow.