FRIDAY NIGHT: SHOES, CHAINSAWS AND BEER

Some shoes bend left, some shoes bend right,

Shoes hurt like a chainsaw, if too tight,

My toes come in twos,

To fit left-right shoes,

Shoes take me out for beer and a bite. 

MY UNIVERSE IS MADE UP OF STRINGS

My entire universe consists of strings,

I put strings on fiddles and banjos and things,

I run string for cloths lines,

I string tie-up grape vines,

I even string gold, and make jewelry that blings.

MY DECOMPOSING POEM

When I was laying deep down in the ground,

Many thousands of earthworms came around,

Then the maggots hatched out,

They squirmed all about,

Soon not a trace of me was left to be found.

VONNY FISH WITH BONNETS ON PUMPERNICKEL BREAD

I caught buckets full of Vonny fish, with bonnets on their heads, 

They taste great on a sandwich, made with pumpernickel breads,

Then with cheese and tartar sauce,

I teach the fish, who's boss,

And that's how I earned, my chef fish preparer creds.

WEIRD SCIENCE TODAY (TIN FOIL HAT LIMERICKS)

I drank contaminated tap water, and got sick as a dog,

Then I turned into a girly frog,

In a pond by some trees,

I laid my babies,

They're camouflaged as pond scum, under a log. 🐸

SKEETERS

I've never seen so many big skeeters,

Some of them are as long as eight meters,

Why they grow so darn big,

No scientist can fig,

We must stop them, for the human race teeters.

THE SCRAPER OF TERROR

I moved into a skyscraper that scraped across the sky,

It swayed, and it was scary, and I started to cry,

Then the lightening gave a peal,

And I thought it a comforting deal,

I went to bed humming Brahms' Lullaby.

COHABITATION? NOT FOR PIGS AND FISH

I decided to raise fish in the ponds on my farm,

I figured it couldn't do anyone any harm,

But a catfish got so big,

He swallowed my prize pig,

That's when raising fish lost its charm.

THE PIG GOT HIS RIGHTS, NOW MY DIGS CRUMBLE DOWN

I decided to fix up my crumbling digs,

By making money raising razor back pigs,

But one pig was no fool,

He sued to attend school,

Now he's a professor, lecturing between cigs.

DON'T FEED THE BEARS, ESPECIALLY YOUR HUMAN PARTS

When you see a bear, I know you'll have to stroke his nose,

But don't be afraid, when it seems his sharp teeth grows,

When you walk away from the bear, do not feel alarm,

Just because you may notice, you are missing half your arm,

Being friendly with a bear, will lead to tears,and woes.

IN THE FOREST OF THE BEARS

I wanted candy cigarettes but could find none, anywheres,

Then I heard tell those cigs were kept by two old woodsy bears,

At their cabin in the deep woods,

I found my candy cigarette goods,

They invited me for dinner and we ate piggies cooked real rares.

THE VAMPIRE WHO WANTED TO BE REGULAR

I once knew a vampire, who mixed his blood with prune juice,

He said that he did it, to keep his bowels loose,

He said in year 607,

He got tossed out of heaven,

And permanently injured his caboose. 

THE COUGAR LIKED HER S'MORES

Katy was a mountain lion, who really loved to eat,

She only snacked on campers, because campers are so sweet,

Katy would eat the campers down to their cores,

For campers taste like stacks of s'mores,

Katy left plenty for her baby lions, so they could get a treat.

THE BACKWOODS BEAR POEM

The bears are hungry and out eating again,

Best be good and not mess with the abominable sin,

Some bears live in cabins, some live in deep throated caves,

But all bears eat the campers and make them scat fill for graves,

Don't think for an hour that you can out clever a bear,

Because he's coming right for ya, when he smells underwear,

Bears always eat people, bears never human detox,

For human flesh is much sweeter, than that of cow or the ox,

So twist and turn and stay awake in your bed,

For if you doze away, a bear will eat you dead,

Now enjoy your camping in our bug infested backwoods,

And hold tight your old precious, when you pass through bear hoods.

THE WEATHER LIMERICK

In the mornings, it's been bone aching cold,

That makes me all grumpy, so I've been told,

But it does always warm,

Before a big lightning storm,

Then under the table, that's where I hold.

A BELLY FULL OF COW, AND STUFF

There was an alligator in my cow pond, and he ate every cow,

He ate my cats and rabbit, and he ate the dog that went "bow wow"

I set a trap,

But it was crap,

The gator ate my kids,and cousin, and my neighbor Rev. Dow.

NO EVIDENCE FOR GUINNESS RECORD BOOGER

Johnny picked a giant booger, and that booger was record big,

It was such a giant booger, Johnny really had to dig,

Johnny felt some awful pains,

The booger had grown into his brains,

When the booger finally popped out, it was ate by two Great Danes. 

NO FOOD FOR MY BELLY, SO I FEED MY BRAIN INSTEAD

I was fishing on the river and snagging all my hooks,

I was always breaking line, and my hooks the river tooks,

I got down on one knee,

And did a prayer for me,

I still lost my hooks, so for supper, I read books.

IGNORE THE CHEESE AND GET THE BIG ONE

When trunk slammers go north,  the locals assume their station,

They always smile and act real nice, or suffer a tip cessation, 

They're always pleasant, till out the door,

When a slammer cuts cheese, they just ignore,

Locals always offer lots of help, for slammers like to tip ration.

PIZZA FACE AND AUNT JEN GETS DEVORCED

Polly was a pizza, and had no time for life,

She had a pretty pizza face, until it touched the knife,

Cut into pie pieces,

Fed to nephews and nieces,

For aunt Jen celebrated divorce, from her cheating wife.

BUG BITE TOURS

I'm a Michigan tourist guide, taking people to find swampy bugs,

It's a fab, fab tour, but you must bring lunch and a couple of jugs,

One jug for bugs; they're dear,

The other for warm beer,

And never wear false hair, for little crits like to dine under rugs.

POSSUMS GET INSIDE

There was a big old opossum, swimming in my bath tub,

His presence didn't bother me, after he gave a back rub,

It was an eye opening find,

Realizing possums were kind,

Then he bit off my ear, because he was hungry for grub.

DUES TO SCREWS

I went to jail and it was full of mean, nasty screws,

They kept writing me up for making toilet bowel booze,

So I could not stay real nice,

I raised the toilet wine price,

To bribe the mean, nasty screws with screw dues.

I HELP PEOPLE BECOME PEOPLES

In order to inflate your hips,

Just eat bacon and potato chips,

A little ham,

Builds your belly, bam!

Then add more pounds with blue cheese dips.

I FOUND CAKE

I went to the barn and found some moist, chocolate cake,

It was laying in hay, still a big piece I did take,

It was a trifle bit runny,

And the cows looked at me funny,

I heard more than one of them say, that I was a flake.

DESPERATE DONNY DIDN'T DATE

Donny would sit in his cell,

He would scream, he would cry, he would yell,

He got stood up on a date,

With a prison block mate,

And ding dong, his mind was a bell.

MY BUCKET LACKS A HOLE

My chives have done poorly, because their bucket has no hole,

They just sit rotting in water, I'm afraid they have lost their soul,

Should've made sure the bucket had a drain,

Would've saved my chives from death and pain,

Now having chives for dinner is an unachievable goal.

A POX ON CRISTMAS IN JULY

I got a toy train for Christmas, but I just got it out of the box,

It's almost the 4th of July, and I'm stuck home with the chicken pox,

My train goes "choo, choo, choo",

With an engine hauling cars #1 and #2,

It's run over two small plastic humans, and almost hit the rubber fox.

BEAR BACKWOODS

Two old Teddy bears lived way out in the backwoods,

They made rainbow candles, sold through shops in the hoods,

Then they diversified,

Making candles, that read "PRIDE",

Now they put "PRIDE" on all candles, as a symbol of their goods.

THE LITTLE TASAR THAT COULD

Frankie was known as a weird little tasar,

Frankie was famous as a tasar trailblazer,

He gave bad guys a scare,

By burning their hair,

Frankie was a Barbour, and didn't use a razor.

THE BEARS CAME OUT FOR THE BOW

Out in the woods lived two bears named Earl and Roy,

They sometimes ate acorns, but fed on mostly soy,

One day, from their cabin they came out,

And gave the world a shout,

For above them was a rainbow, that brought their bear bods joy.

DID TIMES, SUCK LIMES

Harry Hermit could do both divides and also times,

Harry Hermit got confused, when he tried doing primes,

His geometry proofs went slow,

Ability to learn trig, was a NO!

Harry Hermit gave up math, and now just sucks on limes.

I CAUGHT FISH LIMERICK

Today I come back from fishing with a load of Rainbow trout,🐟🌈

I usually do real lousy, so today I'm gonna tout,

I fried them in a pan,

Shared them with my partner, Dan,

He can't go fishing because he suffers from the gout.

THE WOODCHUCK GOT BRAINS

I had to give up my soul,

When I fell into that big woodchuck hole,

At the bottom were rocks,

Brains displayed like fresh lox,

The chuck feasted with his little friend, mole.

THE TEMPERATURE IS TOO DARN HIGH

It was so hot the earth felt like a grill,

I was cooking and needed a chill,

My AC would not work,

Because of a utility clerk,

I was cut off because I couldn't pay my bill.

I STILL GOT A ROOM, BUT NO DEVICES THAT BOOM

My landlord knocked hard on my door,

Her knuckles ran red and looked sore,

I said go away,

I have no money today,

She then kicked the door down to the floor,

The landlord came into my room, 

I knew what was coming, my doom,

She said my room was a mess,

The loud noise caused her stress,

Mommy took all my speakers that boom.

PING PONG WITH GAS

I went to the temple, Ding Dong,

To meet a big hairy dude named King Kong,

King Kong was rude,

He belched eating food,

And farted while playing ping pong.

BAD AIRS AND CANADIAN CABIN BEARS

I went to Canada to do cavorting in fresh air,

The air was really bad, and I got ate by some bear,

Canada was a no win, 

No going back there to sin,

The bear pooped me out in the morning, in case you should care.💩💩💩🍸

CANADIAN FIRES AND I''M MISSING THE FAIR

Horrible air, just about everywhere,

It comes from Canada, it's like breathing hair,

If the lungs get more filled, 

I'm afraid I am killed,

I doubt that I make it to the Fall Harvest Fair.

SOY IS SO RICH, YET IT MAKES ME SO POOR

I went down the road to the store, to get me some soy,

I found lots of products, making me one happy boy,

I found soy that was gooey,

And soy nuts that were chewy,

And the price that I paid, filled the owner with joy.

THE HOME INVADER IN MY BED

I laid my head down on the pillow on top of my bed,

But it was not a pillow, it was a possum instead,

It bit on my face,

Then ran from the place,

Leaving my white sheets, turning very wet and very red.

MY AI WAS NO PI IN THE SKY

I went to the store and bought AI for my brain,

I plugged it into my head and got a huge IQ gain,

I had reasoning power,

But it only lasted one hour,

The hangover was a head throbbing pain.

POTTY WATTY THE BEAR

Potty Watty was a bear,

Potty Watty liked to share,

He shared his teeth,

With the rancher's beef,

And gave the herd of cows a scare.

GRANDPA'S CAVE, AND SAFETY FIRST

I went to a cemetery to check out a stone,

Where grand pappy was buried,with his skin and his bone,

It took my eyes no guidance,

To observe much subsidence,

The grave did a cave, I left an orange safety cone.

SOLAR BEAMS

I got burnt by some hot solar beams,

Now I'm covered with ointments and creams,

It has gotten so hot,

My brains cooked quite a lot,

Now out my nostrils and eye sockets, it steams

IT GOT SO HOT...

It became so very hot, my little house overheated,,

My air conditioner blew up, it was completely defeated,

I retreated to the tub,

In the water, I played sub,

Then the house exploded with fire, soon my walls were deleted.

AVOIDED LEACHES, BUGS, WORMS AND CRABS, BUT NOT FLIES

My towel was my little piece of paradise on the beach,

It held down beneath me the worm, bug, crab and blood sucking leach,

But then came the flies,

They molested my eyes,

Be extremely cautious at the beach, is the sermon I preach.

PEACE, GREASE AND BANANAS

The only way my brain finds peace,

Is eating bananas fried in bacon grease,

They taste so good,

The main food in my hood,

We use them for stuffing, in our Christmas geese.

SMELL OF THE BURN CREAMS

I went out in the sun and got photon abused,

I got peeling, burnt skin, and the sun I've accused,

Then after puppy was fed,

I went real early to bed,

The smell of the burn creams, made my brain so confused.

PHANTOM OF THE SPICED BANANA

A phantom ate all my ripe, yellow bananas, and then said something really nice,

He said my bananas were the perfect yellow, and tasted good with cinnamon spice,

He said he tried them with ginger,

But that was a cringer,

Unless, you fry them in oil and salt them up thrice.

I MADE A NEW FRIEND IN MY NEW HOUSE

I had some wattle and clay, and built a brand new house,

It stunk so very bad, I lost four cats and my spouse,

But without delay,

I made a friend that day,

Who moved in, after he had a deep crevice de-louse.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

My kite is flying high in the sky,

How it's there?  I don't know why,

It ain't no joke,

My kite cord broke,

Near a year ago, this Fourth of July.

CREMATION: IT'S NOT JUST FOR POOR GRANDPAS ANYMORE

When my birdie died there was a health concern,

So his remains, I was ordered to "quick, burn",

He went into the fire of no return,

Except for ashes in an urn,

Now he sits upon my mantle, next door to grandpa Vern.

BIRD FLU

I eat mostly the legs off chicken,

I eat down to the bones, where I find slim pickin,

I drink applesauce,

Till I'm sick and toss,

Bird and fruit cause my belly to sicken.

WARNING! U-235 IS NOT FOR WOODSTOVES

I knew my old woodstove would need fuel, if I were to survive,

So I stole fuel from the nuke plant where I work, some uranium--235,

As I was getting very sick,

I threw it in my woodstove, quick

When my eyeballs both leaked out, I knew I was likely not alive.

FELT BAD, FELT BETTER, FELT WORSE

My rent had fallen into arrears,

My landlord chastised me into tears,

I drank a cold pop,

And played some hip-hop,

Then got evicted, and thrown out on my ears.

I'm Staying At The "Jailhouse Hotel" On Memorial Day Weekend

I drove up north really fast,

So my time at my vacay would last,

I rolled the car while speeding,

My bod starting bleeding,

Now, I'm sitting in jail with a cast.

A MARRIAGE, A BUSINESS AND HEAVES

There is a house painter named Steves,

He only paints right under the eaves,

He leaves the rest of the house,

For his unlucky spouse,

Steve then drinks at the bar till he heaves. 

HOE, HOE, HOE AND MAKE MY TUBERS GROW

My little potato plant would not grow,

I asked it why? It did not know,

When under it, I dug,

I found the tubers, snug,

I un-snugged the tubers with my garden hoe.

I GOT A LICKEN, WHEN TEXAS BANNED CHICKEN

A law was just passed saying you could no longer eat chicken,

If you were caught eating bird you'd get a public licken,

A punishment of pain,

Affects one's brain,

Then the smell of cooked bird makes you sicken.