MY SHORT HAIRED DOG GOT RABIES, SO I BOUGHT A HAIRY ONE

I once had a Boston terrier,

He was a big rabies carrier,

He foamed at the mouth,

Took off, going south,

I bought a collie, much hairier.  

MY CHICKEN LEG AND GEESE LIMERICK

I sat on a park bench, and did sup with the geese,

I chewed a leg of chicken, then threw them a piece,

The geese all honked and they  hooped

Then on the sidewalk, they pooped,

Oh, the wonders of nature, will they ever cease?

I'M NOT LAZY; I MAKE STEW

When I have a lot of work to do,

I do nothing, except make a stew,

I take a special pill,

So I can eat roadkill,

Or my skin turns green, and then turns blue.

THE LURKING COYOTE AND PAUL

There's a coyote lurking in my barn,

He ate a very skinny rat, oh darn,

The rat was called Paul,

He lived in a stall,

Paul made a nest for his babies, with yarn.

FOUR, MY VALENTINE

I now have a gorgeous Valentine, named four,

I had of course three past one's, I once did adore,

I save money, using my brains,

And repurpose old candy canes,

I box them up, like nice new candy from a store.

BE MY VALENTINE WARNING

Who wants to be my Valentine on this Monday morning,

I don't have all my marbles, so consider this your warning,

My chocolate little heart,

I will give to you sweet tart,

Then we'll shop for dishware over in the town of Corning.

21422

THE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED SHORT-LEGGED PIG

My pig has short legs by design,

A genetically engineered short-legged swine,

His legs can't support his great weight,

So, like a good mate,

He stays home sharing stories and wine.

62821

SPACESHIP

There was never a tempest during last night,

That created that intensive, flashing light,

There was not any moon,

There was a humming tune,

A parked alien spaceship, hung in plain sight.

21424

I LOVE NEWBURY CHOCOLATES

I drove on up to Newbury to purchase some chocolate treats,

They make chocolate the old fashioned way; they mix it with their feets,

Their chocolates smell so fine,

Matching vapors in port wine,

There are lots of free chocolate samples; I eats, and eats, and eats.

21424

THE SIMPLE CHEF

I have made a peanut butter post,

Taught people how to spread it on toast,

Next post, it's my fruit jelly,

It's both chewy and smelly,

PBJ on toast, bests a beef roast.

21324

CANNED CONTENTS CAN VARY

I bought canned fruit that had some cherries,

Mixed in with pears, grapes and berries,

Imagine, I had to report,

I found a toe with a wart,

So, contents of canned fruit sometimes varies.

10620

THE SNOW IS WOE LIMERICK

I don't like November snow,

It traps my car, so I can't go,

Will I get food, I do not know,

The cold hurts, I feel woe,

I hired someone for a driveway blow.

22123

LIGHTNING AND THE TIN POST

I put in the steps, so downhill I wouldn't slide,

I dug some post holes along my steps outside,

I used cheap posts and rails made of tin,

Each costing less than a fin,

But lightning made my rail greatly divide. 

61618

DOWN WITH PICKLEBALL

I use to play pickleball,

Then I had a trip and a fall,

After the hospital cost,

My nest egg was lost,

That's when I gave my lawyer a call.

21224

MY TAINTED TUNA

My tuna fish was kind of tainted,

With blue and green dots it was painted,

Although, it was my main course,

It smelled like sweat from my horse,

With the garbage the tuna was acquainted.  

8721

BARRY THE BLUE BOOMERANG TRAVELS OFF TO RED MARS

Barry the blue boomerang, was tornadoed into space,

Barry, the first space boomerang, had gained one famous face,

With the good luck of the stars,

Barry would soon be on mars,

Where he hoped to retire, and settle and find a place.

10423

WOODSTOVE MELTED PLASTIC FAN, AND MY SHACK BURNED.

My fan got hot and caught on fire,

It was atop my woodstove, which caused the dire,

My melted, plastic fan,

Made great flames and I ran,

My shack was nearly all paid off, now I can't retire.

81622

MY GERBIL NAMED BEN

My hamster drank water from the Flint River today,
He turned into a grasshopper and then hopped away,
And, my gerbil named Ben,
Drank the water and then,
Became a bear and I was his prey.

4822

RISE OF THE DREADED DEAD

As we summoned up the dead,

All the sky turned bloody red,

With our sacrifice, the demons were fed,

They drank the blood from the severed head,

Then from the graves the corpses were led,

To stalk the living and bring them dread,

While the living slumber in quiet bed,

Making pretty dreams, instead.

PP10102022

JIMBO'S CHICKEN COOP FIRE

When Jimbo's chicken coop caught fire,

The chickens escaped over the chicken wire,

But, they didn't get anywhere,

They were all ate by a bear,

Now, Jimbo's chicken farm's future is dire.

4222

COOP

MICHIGAN STEW AND THE BELLY AND BLUE

I went to Bohemia Michigan for some of their famous stew,

It tasted quite a bit off, because it was very old, and not new,

I had quite an ill belly,

Gassing up, getting swelly,

I got a ride to the hospital, after I passed out and turned blue.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH, BUT I VLOG

I can't tell if my pet is a cat or a dog,

It could be a goldfish, or a tree climbing frog,

I should go to school,

But that is not cool,

I would rather spend time making my video vlog.

AI AND THE ZOMBIES

AI put some chips in my head,

That raised me back from the real dead,

I started snarling for food,

AI said "ok, dead dude",

AI gave me some brains, now I'm fed.

THE BIRDS

There were three birds on my clothesline, and they were pooping on my clothes,

I told them not to do it, but they each turned up their bird beak nose,

I got out my squirt gun,

Squirted them, had some fun,

As they flew off, they pooped on my head, and it ran down to my toes.

21024

ATTACK OF THE VOLES 2

The cruel voles are sneaking into neighborhoods,

Towards the little village of Chewy Woods,

Once they are there,

No shrub they will spare,

Nurseries will be bare of live garden goods.

MY BAD DAY IN COURT

Because my behavior was on report,

I was ordered to appear in the court,

But there was a grudge,

Came from the mean judge,

He said my breath smelled like a brandy snort.

A WELCOME HOME FOR MY VALENTINE

While I am happily preparing for the love holiday,

Until Valentine's, my love has tripped and traveled far away,

Then I'll make a nice meal,

Wear my clean shirt, it's teal,

I will lite and smoke incense to make my house smell ok. 

THE POGO STICK NATION

The pogo stick competition has grown in reputation,

For the pogo stick sport is a hopping sensation,

Pogo stick competition is everywhere you go,

Some compete for duration others, win, place or, show,

The popularity of pogo has triple-digit inflation.

It's clear we have become a pogo stick nation.

022723

BAD DAY AND BOWS

I tripped over my toes,

That started off my woes,

I hit my head,

I went to bed,

For breakfast, I had macaroni bows.

THE TRAPEZOID.

I was watching a big meteor flying at us from the sky,

It was quite apparent that soon it would hit us, and we would die,

Then a bright spaceship appeared,

It was trapezoid, so weird,

The spaceship laser-beamed the meteor, it blew apart, oh my!

I GOT SOME SPLEENING TO DO

I live in rural America, where the bestest food is fried spleen,

We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and all meals in between,

I like for a munchy,

Fried spleen that is crunchy,

If you eat spleen far to often, you will find your gills turning green.

2924

THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON

It's the Year Of The Dragon, and I have nowhere for him to sleep,

 If he stays within these, my walls, it will be in the castle keep,

What does he like to eat?

What's his favorite meat?

I have lot's of peasant villagers, that are calling me a creep.

FEEDING A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE

A wolverine barged through my door, looking for something to eat,

I fixed him a stack of pancakes, but he wanted only meat,

I took him to the grocery store,

I bought him  chicken, and beef and more,

I bought him some thick, smoked bacon for an after dinner treat.

2924

THE LAND OF FAIRIES AND LONG TONGUED FROGS

When I was young, I lived in the land of fairies,

We ate pumpkin seeds, and golden raspberries,

We avoided cats and dogs,

And all the longer tongued frogs,

I lived years in that world, where nothing varies.

WHAT ATE MY PRETTY BEAR

I was delirious, and had a real bad scare,

A wolverine attacked and ate my pretty bear,

My bear I called  Honey,

He was nice, and funny,

That bad wolverine caused me sadness and despair.

THE VOLE AND THE TIKI TORCH

There was a little vole sitting on my porch,

He said he had been chewing on my neighbors tiki torch,

Vole said if he wanted real grub,

He'd chew the bark off my shrub,

He said that tiki flames gave his fur a scorch.

THE VOLES ARE COMING

My home has been overrun by cruel voles,

The cruel voles have nefarious goals,

They have a bear army,

Most vicious, not charmy,

Seizing my hen house, while harvesting souls.

MOUSE BE NIMBLE, MOUSE BE QUICK, OR IN THE GLUE TRAP YOU WILL STICK

Little Ginger was a furry,

She was a mouse not in a hurry,

She moved slowly, tap tap,

Got stuck in a glue trap,

Then the furry started to worry.

10522

THE TRINKET POEM II

I went buying trinkets with my little sister Sue,

We could have bought a car with all the money we blew,

We stopped for burgers and fries,

It took a couple of tries,

They gave me a ketchup packet, with an extra two.

THE TRINKET POEM

I went to the dollar store, and bought some trinkets, on sale.

Ten little tin milk maidens, each carrying a tin pail,

I took my trinkets home,

Wrote this trinket poem,

I'll next eat a little salad made lettuce and kale.

THE LITTLE DOG WITH STINKY BREATH LIMERICKS

A little dog’s breath was really bad,
No one would pet him, rub his belly: so sad,
So, the little dog brushed his teeth well,
Used a mouthwash with a strong smell,
Now his owners treat him like they’re his mom and his dad.

A little dog had breath that just stunk,
The little dog was avoided like a skunk,
The little dog was no dope,
He washed his mouth out with soap,
Then, his mouth just smelled like soapy gunk.

52321

THE PERPETRATOR HAD WINGS II

My parrot would fly, and knock over ma's high priced lamps,

Parrot scratched cousin Paul, and bit the ear off poor gramps,

What a criminal mind,

Common with his winged kind,

I chased Parrot out the door, he can go live with tramps.

THE PERPETRATOR HAD WINGS

I have a sneaky canary named Chirp,

He steals things, so he is a perp,

He stole my popcorn,

For his cage, to adorn,

I locked his cage; he hated it, the twerp

Living For Free In A Tiny Dump

Moss growing on my doors,

Mushrooms growing from my floors,

Methinks my shack has had enough,

The leaky roof has ruined my stuff,

Still, my squat is free and beer sells next door.

MY NEIGHBORHOOD

Some of my neighbors live in tree houses; not safe from the big bad cat,

Some neighbors live in tunnels, with family members packed in like the rat,

Some of my neighbors live in a lean-to, just loose boards leaned against a tree,

I live out in the open, easy prey, but at least I feel free,

Rich neighbors live in abandoned cars, but the bears smell where they're at.

2624

THE CHIRPY, CHIRPY LITTLE BIRDS

Chirpy, chirpy little birds,

You wake me early with your chirpy words,

I don't know what you say,

Because you speak in that way,

Like the kids in my math class, called nerds.

4820

LOVE BUNNY SITS ON MY TOILET

My love bunny is so crybaby sad,

My love bunny ate scallops that were bad,

The soft toilet seat,

Is love bunny's retreat,

When I can use the toilet, I'll be glad.

A PONEY NAMED PENELOPE PIE

There was a pony named Penelope Pie,
Down every race track she would fly,
She was owned by Pap Herbie,
He entered her in the Derby,
When she lost she had a really good cry.

91421

THEY DIPPED SOME CHIPS IN MY BRAINS

The judge said I was criminally, completely insane,

He ordered AI chips to be stapled into my brain,

I did not feel anything,

Til my ears started to ring,

Then my eyeballs popped out, causing pain.

TWO FERAL PIGS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two feral pigs walked into a country bar,

They saw pickled pig's feet sitting in a glass jar,

One pig said, "they advertised pickled eggs,"

The other said, "I see feet, but where are the legs?"

The pigs stormed out and drove off in a car.  

3219

GEORGE TOOK A BOAT OUT ON A LAKE

George took a boat out on a lake, 
To see what big fish he could take, 
The boat started to leak, 
It was a wooden antique, 
George knew he had made a mistake.

31021

I DO VALENTINE'S DAY ALONE (Again)😞

I bought many Valentine's gifts, yet have no Valentine,

Mostly I bought candy, I love candy, so I'll be fine,

I booked a restaurant date,

But I have no loving mate,

I shall watch loving couples, and for such love I will pine.

2524

BETTER HYGIENE FOR ALL

Free Soap, Free Soap, for better hygiene,

To live long and prosper, you must keep yourself clean,

It's not a small token,

To disinfect while you're soakin'

And, wash the undies if you ate too much bean.

ELASTIC PARK

Human eaters roamed the plastic park,

They ate all humans and doggies that bark,

Giant monsters all made of plastic, 

Held together with bands of elastic,

They melted in sunlight so, they came out at dark.

82521

THE HORN TOOTER AND DING-DONG BELL

My little scooter had a horn tooter, and a ding-dong bell,

I'd ride my scooter behind someone, and my noise made them yell,

My parents got complaints,

No kids are ever saints,

Daddy took a  hammer, and for the scooter, it didn't end well.

2424

SCRATCHING, AND JIMMY BLEEDS OUT

Jimmy thought the night was going real nice,

Then he got to itching on his head lice,

He scratched and bled,

By morn he was dead,

He was consumed by the cat, rats and mice.

RIP Jimmy RIP😢

2424

BIG JAKE THE SNAKE AND JITTERS

There once was a shy, young tiger named Jitters,

Jitters liked eating little furry critters,

Along comes a rattlesnake,

He said his name was Big Jake,

Jitters ran to the pub and downed much bitters.

WOLVES OF THE DRUID

There are these big, vicious wolves called alpha-males,

When I feed them people, the wolves wag their tails,

I'm a druid in the woods,

I feed wolves Red Ridding Hoods,

After dinner they sing in their howls and wails. 

THE WICKED WITCH PART ONE

I suffered just terrible, from an unending itch,

I went to the deep forest to see a wicked witch,

All that she did have,

Was a small jar of salve,

That smelled like a nasty something had died in a ditch.

I LIVE IN RURAL AMERICA PART I

The next door neighbors are out scrapping up roadkill  for dinner,

Looks like they got a  possum, and possum meat is a winner,

It seems they will finely dine,

With homemade whiskey and toilet wine,

I won't be invited to partake, because they think I'm a sinner.