REVENGE OF THE LAB MAN

I went to my freshman chemistry lab, and guess, what did I find?

My lab partners are idiots; they blew up the lab, now I'm blind,

So I could walk down a lane,

I was given a used cane,

I'll now, cane-tap after my partners, and cane-whack each one's behind.

FROM STRING CHEESE TO TREE BARK: MY FINANCIAL DECLINE

I went to buy some brand new string cheese,

The high price dropped me down on my knees,

Prices got high in the store,

I am now inflation poor,

I'll try eating some bark off the trees.

MY KID THE CHEF, NOT

I thought I was eating some really fine, stringy noodles,

Turns out, I was slurping the hairs of my little poodles,

I didn't have a hunch,

My kid made my lunch,

I should have opted for two blueberry, toaster strudels.

FROSTBITE, SCENT AND ROSES

Everyone in my town, has had severe frostbite of the nose,

They all had their snoggers cut off, before their high school picture pose,

Town folk aren't very nosey,

But, we still sniff the rosey,

We also, have problems standing, because the-cold bite takes our toes.

MY TREAT: THE BADGER DROPPED HIS MEAT

I found a small sliver of meat, when I went out my back porch door,

That badger must or left it, when he murdered that squirrel, at four,

It was a special treat,

I had something to eat,

But the only flavoring I had, was a bitter apple core.

THE TERMINATOR AI, MADE ALL MY KIDS CRY

I received an email today, and it bid me goodbye,

It said that I got termed by the corporations AI,

I called a family meeting,

Made sure all were firmly seating,

I announced the bad news, which made everyone, eye cry.

GOODBYE TO PORCH PIRATES; I GOT MINE

I went to the pirate's perch to see if I could get back my stuff,

It's an apartment over a bar, where porch pirates drink and puff,

Many lads were there,

But I did not care,

I took my goods while all stepped aside;  I work out and I am buff.

RANDY RED NECK AND THE PIRATE'S PERCH

Onto my left breast, I pinned a shiny tin star,

I'm tracking porch pirates, down the street with my car,

Many sidewalks, far away,

I found where pirates, do stay,

An apartment, above Randy Red Neck's Grill-Bar

GARGOYLE GONE

My gargoyle went out on the big lake,

My very best, darn row boat, he did take,

I called him, " come back home",

He was headed towards Rome,

Maybe, a few hundred years, he will take.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Panicked, I quickly called my scam, stockbroker on the phone,

I was mad, so confused, and felt entirely alone,

My tech investments were lost,

My life's labors, the cost,

All I got was the sound of silence, then a dial tone.

I'M CSP: COLD, SICK AND POOR

My stock portfolio, it went away,

My old polio, got much worse today,

I'm so cold and defeated,

Can't afford to get heated,

More cruel times will follow, until May.

I GIVE SNOWMEN THE BOOT SALUTE

When winter snows start their blowing,

My bad attitude starts showing,

I hate snowmen,

I kick them in,

Spring grass, I'd rather be mowing.

EGGS: BEAKS, LEGS AND EYES

I always drive over to Canada, to buy the best breakfast eggs,

Their nice, big eggs don't have little chickens inside, with beaks, eyes and legs,

While eating tater chips with ridges,

I must drive over two long bridges,

Of course, when I come back from Canada, I'll smuggle in a few beer kegs.

UP THE RIVER SMORES .

I canoed up the river, and I got very tired and soar, 

I did not make it to town, so I took a camp upon the shore,

Found an old, torn, rubber tire,

Toasted marshmallows over fire,

Along came a big bear, and he toasted and ate me like a smore.

MAMA SAID THERE WILL BE DAYS...

Benny had a chocolate bar, in the back pocket of his white pants,

Benny wanted to go birthday party, with mama, cousins, and aunts,

But the dark bar melted in the back,

Looked like a diarrhea attack,

Benny still wants to birthday party, but his mama says, he can'ts.

THE WINTER OF OUR REAL HIGH RENT

Our search for employment, did not go well,

We've run out of blood, and assets to sell,

Our landlord was unkind,

Said the rent we must find,

By the 1st stroke of the Sunday church bell.

BIRTH OF AI SALESMAN

I got a knock on my front door, and it was a pushy, AI,

It was selling life insurance, and said it was my time to buy,

It said AI knows all,

I had better not stall,

It was bad news, which upset my nana, and she started to cry.

MY PET GROUNDHOG

My pet ground hog does not feel well,

He slipped on the ice and down he fell,

So, I put him to bed,

After being well fed,

Then he had bad dreams and awoke with a yell.

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THE BAD SAUCE TOSS AND AFTERMATH.

I had some greasy fried chicken delivered to my door,

It was good, so I ordered greasy fried chicken, once more,

Raunchy, spoiled was that chicken sauce,

I gave the chicken the toilet toss,

Since then I have been hungry, but my puking guts are soar.

I WENT TO WORK AFTER MY DINNER GUESTS WERE GONE

There were 35 dead flies on my sesame seed bun,

I know, because I counted every wire-winged one,

The many flies and stale bun had to go,

They went into the compactor of woe,

I went driving into work, under a rising, red sun.

TOMMY, MOMMY, ORIGAMI

When starting out and leaving home, whether you're a Tina or a Tommy,

You must begin looking for a rich, sugar daddy or sugar mommy,

Then ask them for a nice sports car,

An apartment, close by, not far,

Then make them cheap gifts, showing them you care, like clay pots or origami. 

COFFEE PRICES ARE ROCKETING TO MARS🚀

I went to the grocery store to buy coffee to drink,

When I saw the new coffee pricing, my heart did a sink,

I sold my plasma and blood,

To afford my coffee, mud,

Before my next buy, I'll be selling my plumbing and sink.

THE COW THAT BITES FOR RIGHTS

Karen the mad cow, she always bites,

Anyone she observes wearing tights,

It's offensive to her,

If you are not wearing fur,

It's like trampling on her bovine rights.

95 URINALS AND A STREAM BY THE CAR

There were 95 urinals, all in a neat row,

But there were no toilet bowels, for the sitters to go,

But not very darn far,

Was a stream by my car,

Of course, could one make it that far, one just doesn't know.

PORCH PIRATES ALWAYS WIN

Porch pirates were active during the night,

I now have no morning breakfast to bite,

I am one hungry dude,

They stole all of my food,

Alas, there's too many of them to fight.

MACARONI TONY AND THE WISHBONE

Hi everyone, most people know me to be Tony,

On every Saturday, I make much macaroni,

It is a delicious dish,

I share with my girl,Trish,

On Sunday, we have turkey, then we split the wish-boney.

ART, I'M NOT LOCKED IN

I took some local art classes, and what did I find?

The other students were critics, and they were unkind,

I complained to the teacher,

She was a mean creature,

She said that my artwork, smelled like her dead cows behind.

WHALE, ALPHA, MALE AND YOU FAIL

When swimming amongst creatures known as, whale,

The alpha one has the much longer tail,

Watch where the tails splash,

They can squash you to hash,

If you try to out swim whales, you will fail.

IT WAS EAR POPPING COLD

After Benny played outside in the cold snow,

His nose got so stuffed up, Benny could not blow,

The blowback popped his ears,

Then he shed many tears,

As off to the hospital, he had to go.

WHEN GRANNY LOST HER SSI

I took grandma outside, and fed her to the wolverines,

Grandma had lost her government check, so she had no means,

The hungry wolverines done fed,

On grandma's torso and her head,

Grandma couldn't stay with me; she'd want a share of my canned beans.

COLD

It got so extremely cold, my collie dog could not make a bark,

It got so cold, my electric car battery, died in the dark,

My plastic, bottled tea,

Froze, and the tea burst free,

I laid down on my warm bed, and on my heating pad, I did park.

A MEME COIN ROMANCE

If I had some meme coins, I'd spend them on beautiful you,

On your big round red nose, and your eyes, so watery-blue.

I'd buy you a pancake,

With syrup and ham bake,

I'd buy you a hot coco, that had marshmallows for two.

MY MARKET ANALYSIS OF MY MEME COIN COINS

The meme coins I bought are not doing so well,

I thought when I bought them, my small wealth would swell,

As my meme coins go under,

I just have to wonder,

If my meme coin coins, will be saved by the bell.

I WISH UPON THE SERPENT

There is a big, mighty, green sea serpent, and his name is Moe,🐉

He swims alongside everywhere, my little boat will go,🚣

Sometimes I get rowboat tired,

I then wish the beast, whom I've admired,

Would push or pull my boat along, so I would not have to row..

BAD PIG DIDN'T FLY, DIDN'T TRY

I had my pig and thought I'd experiment, try,

To get my pig to become airborne, and to fly,

I hauled my pig up a tall tree,

Before I shoved him, he shoved me,

When I hit down on the ground, I began to cry.

TIME PIECES, DEFECTIVE

My broken bedroom clock is not right twice a day, because it has no hands,

My old hour glass, it tells no time, because it leaked out all of its sands,

My beautiful sundial,

Is right once in a while,

Only in winter when there is sun, because under an oak tree it stands.

TWO PEG LARRY, AND THE BIG BULL SHARK

I got attacked by a big bull shark, and he chewed off both of my legs,

My best buddy Rusty, found some hickory, and whittled me two pegs,

They call me Two Peg Larry,

Little kids think I look scary,

I can't get any job, so outside the bar, I sits, I whines, I begs.

SOCIAL MEDIA, BEEF, KIDS AND MAGGOTS

I opened my refrigerator, and maggots were eating my beef roast,

J wondered how the maggots tasted, so I ate some on my buttered toast,

They were more crunchy than I thought,

They had flavors, I often sought,

I fried some maggots to feed the kids, their reactions I will upload, post.

THE SUN DOES NOT HAVE TO RISE, HEMMINGWAY

I went out to see the amazing new sunrise, but it did not rise too high,

It only rose a little bit, and the sun started to fireball cry,

The sun said he was running away,

Not to look for him on the nest day,

Seems Beetle juice, the lover, served the sun a restraining order, oh my!

HE'S IN MY TRAILER AND IN THE WRONG STATE, TOO

There is one big, crazy, Northern Michigan polar bear,

He sneaks into my old trailer, and gives my kids a scare,

I warned the bear to stop,

Or, I'd give him a bop,

He ate me, so I guess he does not, and never will care.

IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE, OUCH!🚀

It came from outer space, and it stuck me with it's sharp pickers,

It stabbed my pretty face, so I was quick to become sickers,

Within the hour,

I felt the power,

I went Martian, and started to stick people with my stickers.

DON'T POP PIMPLES WHILE RIDING ROCKETS

My little spaceship got real crushy, when I hit an asteroid,

I remember mommy telling me, asteroids I should avoid,

But when relaxing out in space,

Popping them pimples, on your face,

Sometimes you don't see those rocks, until their resting beneath your roid.

THE CREEPY LITTLE HOMINID, THINKS I'M HIS UNCLE LEE

There is a little hominid, and he thinks I'm his Uncle Lee,

I am clearly a spider monkey, a spider monkey, I be,

I do not walk on two hind legs,

I swing through trees, and eat bird eggs.

We're not at all the same species, we differ genetically.

GOATS ON THE WATER ATTACK

My trailer was surrounded by mean, billy goats,

They came ashore at the lakefront, in motor boats,

I knew I couldn't win,

As they chewed the tin,

They ate the trailer, and stuff I stored in my totes.

DON'T CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF, WHEN YOU TRIM YOUR BEARD

I tried wearing a real long, silvery beard,

It was shiny and looked unnatural, weird,

It made me cough,

I cut it off,

I cut my finger, and my eyes really teared.

THEY'RE NOT ALWAYS YOUR NEPHEW

There was an obese hominid, living in my maple tree,

He said that I was his uncle, he then called me, Uncle Lee,

I said, "that can't be,

It's science, you see,

Because you're an ugly hominid, and I'm a cute monkey."

ME, THE WEAVE AND OFFICER STEVE

When I drive down the street, I like to do the weave,

That's why I got arrested by Officer Steve,

He said I looked pale,

He put me in jail,

I had to pay lots of bail, before I could leave.

BENNY AND THE LITTLE FUGUE

Benjamin played the Little Fugue by J. S. Back,

He uploaded it to the app they call Tic Tok,

They say, Benny played pretty good,

On his recorder, made of wood,

Benny performed in a row boat, tied to a dock.

MR. POE, MADE ME KNOW, WHAT I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW

At 13, I read a horror story, by Eddie Poe,

The story was so scary, I could not walk, I couldn't go,

It frightened, so bad,

When I was a lad,

I wish the story I never read, and would never know.

LEACHES, PEACHES AND UNIVERSE X

I moved to a parallel universe, and the creatures there were leeches,

The only food that I could find there, were the leeches and jar-canned peaches,

Peaches were a special treat,

Leaches were a funny meat,

I found a recipe book, and combining weird foods is what it teaches.

SHE WENT FROM BEAN TO MEAN, MY MAYBERRY-DEAN

My sassy, little monkey's name was Mayberry-Dean,

She ate all her dinner, but got gassed up by the bean,

We made her stay ten feet away,

Until the start of the next day,

When she got done being gassy, then she was real mean.

PORCH PIRATE SUPPER WITH FRIENDS, NOT

My neighbor made some delicious, pirate soup,

It came from canned goods, he stole off someone's stoop,

He also stole some bread,

Wanted crackers, instead,

Then came knocking at the door, the police troop.

MY MONEY MEMES

I'm investing money in those political memes,

It's just like buying chocolates, full of sugar creams,

You could taste, pickle sour,

Then taste a sweet flower,

I'm making billions and billions, in my greedy dreams.

THE GRISLY BEAR CUISINE

There were two old grisly bears, and they lived out in the woods,

They grew their own potatoes, and hunted Red Ridding Hoods,

They also liked their red beans,

And occasional sardines,

The bears often shopped the farm market, for fresh garden goods.

TAILS DID NOT WAG, WHEN THEY LOST THE DRAG

About 100 dogs ran down a long, sunny hill,

Chasing a big, green dragon through a wide field of dill,

The dragon got to the water,

Swam off, like a nimble otter,

The dogs were really mad, because they didn't get a kill.

WHAT THE SMARTEST HOMINIDS USE TO EAT

There was once an advanced hominid species, far smarter than man,

They only ate macaroni, and it had to come from a can,

After adding small chips of pine wood,

The macaroni smelled really good,

Then it was mixed with chicken fat, and fried in a cast iron pan.

STANDING IN A GRAVEYARD AT MIDNIGHT: WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

I heard some movement underground, out amongst the rows of graves,

I saw hands pierce the wet earth, as the dead left their coffin caves,

I was quite vexed,

My feet froze, hexed,

The dead came walking forward, moving forward at me in waves.

THE GREAT BAY SERPENT.

There's a serpent living out in our great bay,

In the winter, that's where the serpent will stay,

Don't go out in a boat,

 He will sense where you float,

The serpent torments and eats boaters for play.

THE WHACKING GOBLIN AND THE SHIN TWIG

A little goblin was hanging outside my door,

The gob had a bow, an arrow, and one thing more,

He had a stick,

That little sick,

The gob whacked both of my shins, and did it times four.

                                                       <3

WHAT'S SITTING IN MY WILLOW, WITH A CRUMPET AND A TEA?

There was an Anglo-Saxon, sitting in my willow tree,

He was nibbling on a crumpet, and sipping on some tea,

I asked him if his crumpet tasted good,

He said, "it tastes like wormy, willow wood",

I didn't ask him about his drink; I thought I'd let it be.