DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But, the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease, it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease, rancid or new.

51722

BEARS IN THE BACK WOODS DRIVE

Four Teddy bears in a Lamborghini, went out back roads, cruising,

The car ran off the road and crashed, because the driver was snoozing,

When the Lamborghini hit a tree,

The doors popped open; bears were free,

They were all found safe and sound, an glad the cops caught no one boozing.

51825

MY FLUGELHORN PAID FOR RENT AND FOOD

All I want for Christmas is a brand new flugelhorn,

A truck ran over my old one, and made my horn unborn,

I play my horn at the corner and get tossed one cent,

When I get enough pennies, I go and pay my rent,

If I have money left over, I can sup on canned cream corn.

122323

RED LIKES A COLD BED

There was a red planet, way, way up in the sky,

By the blue planet, sometimes it made a flyby,

It didn't stay there too long,

Because blue had it wrong,

Further out from the sun was the best place to lie.

THE WALKING CAREER DAY

I once worked in a factory, and oh, what a bore,

I once checked out groceries at a grocery store,

I worked in cable news,

Got hooked on the booze,

I now bounce people like me, out a taverns backdoor.

WHAT I'VE DONE SINCE COLLEGE

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics too,

I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like you,

Then the securities market tanked

My security licence was yanked,

Now I'm in a federal prison, but I got a window view.

THE GUESTS AT MY BED AND DINNER

It got so cold, I asked the rats to snuggle in,

In my creaky bed with the bedbugs, and my gin,

We were all warm and cozy,

While the outside got snowzy,

Next day, I ate the rats for my six o'clock din.

102124

WHEN THE BEAR POUND, I GO UNDERGROUND

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back,

It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack,

The old grizzly wanted me,

To digest in his belly,

I hid in the basement, because courage I did lack.

81624

THE OLD MAN IN THE SHOE WILL PAINT YOUR BOUEY

My full name is Little Uncle Huey,

I live in  a old beer stinker, shoey,

I have lived here for lots of years,

Raised a family; many tears,

I'll paint a Monet on your bouey.

FLYING PIG LIMERICK

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?,"

I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,

They strap on firecrackers that night,

Then, they light them and fly out of sight, 

When the bombs burst, bacon falls from the sky. 

92123

  

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

 4824

MY TRAVELS ABROAD, 1962

I went down to New Zealand to see what was new,

The waves were real splashy, and the water was blue,

There were giant mountains on Cook,

I took a panoramic look,

Back home, I took days to rest; I needed a few.

THE BULLIES AND MY CRINGE

They were so mean and so nasty, that I did a cringe,

Then I went on a big tater tot consumption binge,

They said I'm squishy like a toad,

Smell like something dead on the road,

Then I lit up a cigar, just to poke their coats a singe. 

The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

11822

THE FAMILY MORTGAGE PROBLEM

I lost my home because of mortgage debt, now the wife and kids are gone,

They're really super mad at me, because all their stuff I had to pawn,

They're ignorant snowflakes,

What daddy buys, sometimes he takes,

They should have stayed with me in our tent, and I'd make them pancakes at dawn.

STROBING MAKES EYEBALLS REALLY SOAR

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star,

A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car,

Some call it a strobe light,

A rave party delight,

Strobe driving hurts Ned's eyeballs, he can't drive far. 

92323

THREE PINES AND ONE BAT CAMPGROUND

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat,

I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at,

Then, ouch what the darn, heck?

 The bat vented my neck,

Out poured my blood, the dead pines turned green, I died where I sat.

41424

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

MONEY, BUSINESS AND MEALS

My meals consist mostly of just seeds and found bones,

When I chew the bones I make funny crunching tones,

I dream to eat stake,

But, no money, I make,

Except, by selling artwork I make from pinecones.

MY KIDS DON'T SEE ME

I used to be a real solid ten,

My kids look at me and ask me, "when?",

I said, " o.k. fine",

"Maybe now, a nine,"

They offered to pop me with a pin.  

MISSED THE VLOG MOMENT

I sat fast down on a fat frog on a log,

The messy remains were lapped up by my dog,

After my pooch ate frog slop,

Pooch went hop, hop, hop, hop, hop,

Wish I'd videoed the action for a vlog.

THE GANGSTER AND THE BLUE SEA HORSEY

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea,

And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me,

While  to the bottom I went,

I reflected on life, spent,

Finished swimming with a blue sea horsey.  

12722

MONKEYS, CATTLE AND RATTLESNAKES LIMERICK

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle,
Then over the proceeds they started to battle,
One thought it was best,
That in cattle they reinvest,
The other wanted to raise snakes that would rattle. 

92023

ME AND FRED AND THE ALIEN DRONE

I had a drone fly into my bedroom, and hover over my head,

It was definitely from outer space, just like the internets said,

It had many feet with toes,

It was scented like a rose,

Then it pulled out a ray gun, and united me with my dead dog, Fred.

121624

THE FOUR TUBING TOADS, MINUS THREE

Four toads went tubing across the waves,

Three of them found deep water graves,

Splash splash, oh, hark,

Sounds like a shark,

The fourth toad hid in some coral caves.

8325

THE RIP TIDE PIG

The rip tide is pulling this pig, out to the deep sea,

Where all the great killer sharks will be waiting for me,

They'll see my pink belly,

All full of pig jelly,

The sharks will be swarming for tender pork that is free.

TWO SKUNKS MADE A NEST UNDER MY DECK LIMERICK

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck,
They had little babies and they were cute as all heck,
Though the smells did appall,
The skunks went away in the fall,
They were cute but my sinuses are a wreck.

12820  

CRUSHED DREAMS OF THE CELLIST

My cello was run over by a sports car,

It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star,

I thought it wouldn't get injured,

So it was never insured,

I went from concerts, to tending a dive bar.

9924

I WHACKED MY FISH, AND FRIED THEM UP LIKE MAMA DID

I use to fish with a cane pole, and whacked the fish in the head, real fast,

I scooped them up quick, into my net, because their concussion wouldn't last,

I whacked them again, in the head,

I made sure they were pretty dead,

The fillets, I fried in bacon grease; just like mama did in the past.

PIGS IN A PICKLE

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat,

So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat,

One day Farley ate some pork,

And new flavors he did uncork,

So Farley switched to raising pigs, and dined on their pickled feet.

3823

THE FLAW

My psychologist says I have a personality flaw,

It seems, I put weirdo people on the pedestal of awe,

If they spout weirdo gas,

I'm up their underpass,

And, I will believe everything I've seen, see and/or saw.

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said, I was canned.

52322

GRANNY FIXED UP DOGS AND CATS

At granny's house I got real squirmy

Because granny practiced taxidermy,

She did mostly pet cats and dogs,

Most pets turned out hard as logs,

When the dermy didn't take the critters went wormy.

41821

BROTHER BRAT

My trumpet notes are really flat,

Since my brother beat it with a bat,

He beat my oboe on the floor,

And slammed my trombone in ma's truck door,

My big brother is a bully brat.

P08302023

TRINKET TROLLEY WALLY, AND THE BIRD IN ROME, NAMED POLLY

I sold trinkets off a beautiful, festooned, trinket trolley,

I shared the business with my slow motion, Cousin Wally,

I became really, really miffed,

Because Wally wouldn't work his shift,

I quit the trinket trade, and moved to Rome with my bird, Polly.

UNHINGED TRUMPETER

Tory the 1st chair trumpeter, became quite unhinged,

Because on Johann S. Bach, all night she super binged,

Her lips were sore,

Her tongue was tore,

She started Toccata and Fugue, and her fingers cringed.

91224

FISHING WITH A DINGY

I rowed my dingy out onto the bay,
I hoped to catch fish from dusk until day,
But, just after dark,
Along came a shark,
Now in the shark’s belly I lay.

I took out my dingy to fish for crappies,
But, I ran into turtles that I call snappies,
They snapped my dingy in two,
I was on their menu,
My demise gave the snappies the happies.

52322

BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

AFTER DOOMSCROLLING, I GIVE UP

I went doomscrolling on all the internets, and boy, did I find doom,

I tried to find some good news, but on the internets, there was no room,

Killer rocks, toward our planet, fly,

Ice cream cone prices are too high,

A big explosion builds within planet earth, and soon we'll all go, Boom!

PARADISE FOR SALE?

My needy trailer is starting to rapidly decompose,

The plumbing is shot so, I hooked the pump to a garden hose,

The roof leaks streams in the rain,

My caved in floors provide a drain,

I'd like to sell, but I'd owe the bank all the money, at close.

63021

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,
It's a Holiday so I can't get to a store,
The world is looking fuzzy,
Without my coffee buzzy,
I think I will pass out and fall on the floor.

9423

 

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE KIND, EVERYONE STILL HATES ME

In the kingdom of the kind, everyone at my work, still hates me,

People dine with friends after work, I dine alone on popcorn and ghee,

In the kingdom, people exchange a smile,

Except me, they treat me like a cow pile,

I believe I should find work somewhere else, where normals exchange cruelty.

TURNING THAT ODD JOB INTO A CAREER

I went to pond frog school to learn how to hop, hop, hop hop,

I went to fish out of water school to learn to flip flop,

I could hop, hop all day,

Flip flop the night away,

I went to big, ugly bug school to bite people, nonstop. 

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

9524

AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

32625

A DIFFERENT DUMBER

It's a summer Saturday morn, and most of town is going rafting,

Except, I am going downtown to pick up supplies, for some crafting,

l have made my hobby picks,

Little bags of hobby sticks,

I'm gonna build a suspension bridge, which will take some time for drafting.

6725

JIMBO'S CHICKEN COOP FIRE

When Jimbo's chicken coop caught fire,

The chickens escaped over the chicken wire,

But, they didn't get anywhere,

They were all ate by a bear,

Now, Jimbo's chicken farm's future is dire.

4222

COOP

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

61921

LOTIONS,AND POTIONS AND WORMS IN THE EARS

Jimmy had worms burrowing deep into his ears,

He had worm eggs sliding down his face in his tears,

He bought topical lotions,

And consumable potions,

He got better, and told his saga over beers.

12923

BEN'S TOOTH FAIRY FLY

Ben's belly got nausea, when Ben ate too much raspberry pie,

Also, seeds got stuck in Ben's cavities, and that made Ben, tear cry,

Ben's teeth were too rotten to fill,

They needed pliers, not a drill,

Ben got gassed when his teeth were pulled, and he flew like a bird, up high.

6225

THE BONE THAT I FOUND

A dinosaur bone I dug up under my swing,

I did so by doing that swish footie thing,

And, because of the bone that I found,

I'm an official rock hound,

Although, the bone was really from a fried chicken wing.

8823

YARN AND GARDEN

I tried to play  croquet, today,

Or, was it actually called macrame,

I was told I had had poor form,

I need a workout to be norm,

Seems I was actually doing crochet.

CONFUSING A SPOON WITH A FORK: MISTAKES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

I threw a spoon into the air, and a fork came down upon my head,

It stuck deep into my skull, and I started to become really dead,

The biggest hurt came at first,

That pain was the very worst,

I just hope they bury me deep enough, so the coyote won't get fed.

MONSTERS WITH CLAWS

I use to have four giant, sharp claws,

They gave other clawed monsters, a big pause,

Opponents got rip shredded,

Disarmed, and then beheaded,

That kind of bleeding won't stop with just gauze.  

MY HOUSE PLANTS, THE POTTED DEAD

I water and water all my house plants, but they all seem to die,

With all the tap water I give them, they're sop and wet, never dry,

My cousin, who is my wiser,

Said, to give them fertilizer,

The plants went super perky, then they died as they came off their high.

THE SPACE LASAR GOT ME GOOD

There is this glowing space laser, some call it the sun,

It aims straight down on me, like some Martian ray gun,

It's not at all funny,

Getting zapped by the sunny

I feel cooked like a turkey, dry and crispy done.

6323

,

CRITTER STEW FOR TWO

I found some dry hickory, so I lit it to heat a winter stew,

I threw in the stew a snow bunny, a dead frog and something that flew,

The stew bubbled, and the fire hissed,

Soon, the critter stew, my fat lips kissed,

After dinner I took a nap, while my dog Dexter dropped his poo.

121724

MY BABY TURNED MEAN

On my head I have a big bobo,

Caused by my kid, who is only two,

He's violent toward me,

He will not let me be,

He mean hits me with his hard shoe.

GETTING REAL AND THE FLAGPOLE

My old burn barrel got way out of control,

Burning the woods down was never my real goal,

And Bigfoot got real mad,

And he made me real sad,

When he tied me to the top of the flagpole. 

MY BIG, BEAUTIFUL VOICE INSIDE

I looked hard to find my inner voice, speaking inside,

But, in that vast, open space, no thoughts at all reside,

Between my two, beautiful ears,

I know only laughter and tears,

Every thought I have, I wear on my outer hide.