ANOTHER HEATWAVE, HOLIDAY DISASTER

It was so hot out, Jim's coffee couldn't keep ice,

It was so hot out, it killed all Jim's head lice,

His girl, Sweet Polly Sue,

A plastic doll, we all knew,

Had melted, until she didn't look very nice.

JUNGLE BY THE BOOK

Wheezy the cunning barn cat, met Perky the perfect perch,

Wheezy pounced on and ate perky, then resumed her pond search,

Then, Wheezy met cobra,

He was some Casanova,

He gave Wheezy a hickey, then she slept under the birch.

BOWLING WITHOUT DOLLARS, AND NASTY FEET

Jimmy went bowling, but he did not have much cash,

They would not rent him shoes, because of his foot rash,

While some guy used a bathroom stall, 

Jimmy borrowed his bowling ball,

When the guy came for his ball, Jimmy did a dash.

TOE TAG BENNY, CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD

Benny was stone cold and toe tagged, when he came back from the dead,

His resurrection was unnerving, that's what the nurses said,

It unnerved his spouse,

Who moved out of the house,

So, Benny moved in a demon roommate, and his name was Fred.

RAW PORK AND ANGELS

I was so very hungry, the noodles tasted real yummy,

They were not at all done, so they were sitting in my tummy,

Then my pig was so raw,

To eat it I done gnaw, gnaw, gnaw,

Now I'm in the hospital, prognosis: they called my mummy.

TERRY STINKY BUG

There once was a jumping stinky bug, named Terry,

He jumped and would poop on every blueberry,

Terry did it all really quick,

So, no matter which one you'd pick,

Each one was bitter sweet, but texture would vary.

SIR BASE NO FACE

I got knighted, then I had a famous title,

For singing base at the Kings great, grand recital,

The king liked my base,

But, couldn't look at my face,

To be knighted, a pretty face is not vital.

SOME CRITTERS SHOULD NOT WRITE LIMERICKS

I had a pretty peacock named Homer,

Around the old farm, he was a roamer,

On one far distant, roaming prance,

Homer met a vowel, named Lance,

Together, they wrote this gosh, awful poemer.

SOME BUGS ARE JUST NASTY

Three bugs were sitting on my front stoop,

They were all three, taking a big poop,

I chased them all away,

But, the very next day,

They done pooped on my kid's hula hoop.

MY DROOLING DOBERMAN AND I

My doberman is really cruel,
He stands over my pizza to drool,
He smiles with no care,
And, that I can't bare,
Just wait until his license renewal.

DEAD GUYS ARE OUT TO GET ME, SAYS MY PSYCHIC

I went to my Psychic, and her predictions were dire,

Some dead guy told her that he would blowout a tire,

One said he'd wait,

Then seal my fate,

By flying my kite into an electrical wire.

A POACHED PHEASANT TASTES GOOD WITH WINE

The Earl got his mail delivered, but it was not pleasant,

The Earl got a fine, for poaching a little pheasant,

The pheasants name was Daniel Bill,

Tasted great, when the wine got a chill,

The Earl paid his fine; sent his maid, so he was not present.

MY BODY PARTS 4 SALE 💰

My bill collectors suggested, I sell my kidney and my spleen,

They said they were trying to help me, and not trying to be mean,

So, I sold a kidney and two toes,

Paid some bills to ease my woes,

Then I got an infection, because the doctor was not so clean.

JEFFREY AND HIS CORNET

Jeff got out his Vaseline, to grease his cornet slide,

Jeff used the slide to stay in tune, so he could blow with pride,

Jeff was so proud to be 1st chair,

He fingered every note with care,

Jeff never have a girlfriend, for his cornet was his bride.

PIGS GOT MY PAP AND BOYS

All the morel mushrooms were being dug up by feral pigs,

So, we went out hunting them, by following their pig digs,

But, those clever pigs dug a trap,

Caught my two kids, and my pap,

I then bravely ran away, to hide at cousin Quigs.

BACON GREASE SHORTAGE TANKS MICHIGAN ECONOMY

I got a card from Michigan, and this is what it said,

That everyone in Michigan, no longer ate fried bread,

A bacon grease shortage was the blame,

Canola oil, don't taste the same,

Bait shops worry arteries won't plug, then our worms won't get fed.

THE SCRATCHING COW THAT WAITED

My cow always sat on the railroad tracks, waiting for a train,

I decided what my cow needed, was the transplant of a brain,

I chose the brain from my hound dog, Patches,

I didn't like him, on account he scratches,

My cow don't sit on the tracks, but when she scratches, what a pain.

I DID BRAIN SURGERY, ON MY DAYS OFF

I became a kid doctor, like Doogie Hauser, but I did not train,

I decided to start at the top, by operating on the brain,

For just a couple of buck,

I'd do a quick nip and tuck,

I now run my own brain center in Maine.

HOW I WIDEN MY HIPS

Outside it was lightning and rainy,

And I didn't feel like being brainy,

So I got out some chips,

To widen my big hips,

Watched Housewives, while eyeballs got strainy.

DRINKING WITH MONSTERS WITH RUNT

There was a bloody, forest beast, who lived behind my chicken shack,

And, every one of my neighbors, swears he did them, an attack,

So, the beast I had to hunt,

Took my hunting dog, named Runt,

We tracked the beast to the pub, he bought a round, so we kicked back.

THE FRAMING OF THE SHREW

I painted a picture of a little tiny shrew,

I did not have a frame, so that day I had to rue,

So, I built a frame myself,

Used the wood from an old shelf,

I still couldn't hang the picture, because I had no screw.

LOOK AT WHAT THE OLD WITCH DID

There was an old witch who lived up on the hill,

Every fall, all the pretty flowers they'd kill,

Then when the plants were all bare,

Cold came in the air,

And, blankets of snow were laid down everywhere.

WHEN PETER DID PINE FOR WINE

Mr. Peter got angry, alcoholic piney,

When the bar cut him off from his red winey,

So, he went home to his loft,

Put on music, real soft

Then guzzled wine from his two-quart, beer steiny.

OH CRAP, ANOTHER TOURIST TRAP

I went on a paid safari to see lions, tigers and more,

All I saw were just house cats, barn cats, and a small bore,

I just saw kitties, and walking bacon,

For ten bucks, I felt very taken,

But instead of getting a refund, I was tossed out the front door.

IF CAUGHT OUT IN A STORM, INFORM YOUR RA NAMED NORM

Benny was not warm,

When it started to storm,

He was not home at dorm

And, Benny failed to inform,

His RA named Norm.

BUGS AND TEARS

I thought the bugs were lying there dead but they were only sleeping,

When in the morn the room started to warm, the bugs began a creeping,

They crept up my cloths,

And into my nose,

Then tears full of bugs I was weeping.

THE PIZZA DEAD FISH POEM

My pizza,was covered with dead, little fish,

The fish weren't a part of my topping wish,

I demanded an exchange,,

Which pizza guy did arrange,

But the new pizza was thin crust, and I ordered deep dish.

SOCCER, ROCKER, GOODBYE

Harry never left his bedroom, green rocker,

He did not feel well, had a bad tick toker,

Once a big jock at sports,

So the paper reports,

He passed watching an intense game of soccer.

I WENT TO MARS WITHOUT A SPACECRAFT OR LIPS

My spaceship disassembled, but I kept traveling into space,

A disaster it resembled, as I gnawed my lips from my face,

My trajectory took me toward the stars,

All that stopped me was planet mars,

Soon I was making friends, among the Martian race.

AI REPLACED ME

I went to answer the front door, and it was AI,

It claimed my job and my home, and told me "bye, bye",

It claimed my spouse and my kids,

On my dog, it took bids,

I now eat tadpoles from a ditch, while thinking peach pie.

NO.CABLE BILLS, LEAD TO TV THRILLS

Jeff was enjoying himself, while watching tv,

Jeff was so happy that his cable was free,

His apartment neighbor next door,

Ran cable under the floor,

And, that is how our happy Jeff, came to be.

THE DROPPED POP AND REFUND FLOP

I ordered some packages of pop,

The delivery service made a drop,

The packages were leaking,

A refund I was seeking,

Online AI put my request on stop.

NESSIE EATS FLIP UP

The Loch Ness monster has ate the seahorse, named Flip,

From the time we were little, Flip was tied to my hip,

Nessie did my Flip wrong,

So I'll write Flip a song,

And, I'll get a new seahorse buddy, named Zip.

PEANUT BUTTER, JAM AND JELLY

I love my jam and my jelly,

Either one can fill up my belly,

And, then there's the other,

Called peanut butter,

When I mix them, my belly goes swelly.

VAMPIRE TAKES ADVANTAGE, NOT

Jim's driveway was all washed away,

So Jim's trailer is where he had to stay,

A vampire was on the loose

He bled out Jim's goose,

Jim told him he could suck out his blood, if he'd pay.

I FOUND THE LOCH NESS MONSTER IN MICHIGAN

I found the Loch Ness monster, swimming in Saginaw Bay,

I don't know how she got there, but her wake near swamped the quay,

Nessie really teases,

She swims where she pleases,

It's hard to tell where she'll be spotted, on a given day.

MY FUTURE FORETOLD BY ALEXA

Alexa told me quite the informative story,

She said my limericks were frightfully gory,

Alexa told me to be very nice,

Write of candy canes and sweety spice,

She said if I did not change, she'd take an ax and make me sorry.

IS YOUR AI RIGHT IN THE HEAD?

I gave money to my favorite, charity cause,

It is for AI's who often freeze up, and brain pause,

When an AI suffers great stress,

It answers queries with a guess,

Then has a brain freeze, or breaks privacy laws.

SAD ANDY'S CHICKEN DINNER, AND CALL

So, Andy gives me this call,

I guess he was lonely, that's all,

He said he was sitting all alone,

Eating chicken off the bone,

Then he whimpered, and started to ball.

BREAKFAST IS SO HARD

I wanted a breakfast sandwich, but did not have any ham,

I had no eggs or bacon; all I had was goat cheese and jam,

I called my sweetie, dearest mother,

To see if she had peanut butter,

But all she said she had to eat, was some rancid juice of clam.

A GOAT STORY

I know an old gruffy goat, named Herb,

He chews gravel out next to the curb,

Other roughage he avoids,

Because of hemorrhoids,

Which gravel doesn't seem to disturb.

MOST TIMES, IT'S IN OUR STARS

Ricky drove a pallet jack, unloading dish soap off a truck,

Seven long years of college, and Ricky's life did truly suck,

Owed 90 thou in college debt,

Left his wife, he did regret,

The only chance that Ricky has, is blackjack and lady luck.

DINNER WINE FOR CRAWDADS

Larry had a rhubarb farm, and made cherry-rhubarb wine,

His wine tasted really good, if on crawdads you did dine,

It never tasted good with a stake,

And made some vomit, with meatloaf bake,

But, if you stuck to eating crawdads, everything was fine.

THE WEALTHY CASHIER

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store,

Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door,

They said Betty was not too bright,

Her drawer short hundreds, each night,

But, Betty bought a Mercedes Benz, so she wasn't poor.

THE DRESS CODE BLUES

Couldn't afford dress pants, for the work dance,

At the office, in sweat pants I'd prance, 

My boss called me a slob,

Removed me from my job,

I now inspect cheese wheels in France.

NANA PSYCHOLOGY

My landline,  nanna left off the hook,

My cellphone, my mean nanna had took,

I sat all alone,

With no friends on the phone,

And, decided to read my school book. 

FINGER LICKING GOOD, FROM THE HEN HOUSE

I went to Newberry Town to buy some canned chicken,

They didn't have any there, for the price I was pickin',

I went out to my hen house,

All I found was a dead mouse,

Still, fried up in bacon grease, made that mouse finger lickin'.

CYRUS

Cyrus was the master of training productive pigs,

Cyrus trained pigs to replace people, driving big rigs,

Cyrus made enough money,

To marry his honey,

Cyrus now lives a life without good porn, booze or cigs.

82523

NEWTS, PETS OR FOOD?

I decided to get me some newts,

They taste really good with mixed fruits,

And, they make a nice pet,

Although, I ain't found one yet,

That doesn't poop in my suits.

I EAT OUT, IN MY CAR

I was sitting in my car,

Eating quail eggs from a jar,

Usually, I'd be eating chips,

But my blue jeans, won't hold my hips,

I'm now on a protein diet, and gained 12 lbs, so far.

AI GOT ME FIRED

Thanks to the tool called "AI",

I'm now an unemployed guy,

I lost my home and my car,

My hubby and guitar,

And my wine bottles, are empty and dry.

MY JAIL TALE

J lost my little star earing, when they put me in jail,

I spent two weeks picking cans up, and I still couldn't make bail,

So there I sat,

Where someone had spat,

Eating beans and rice, instead of tofu and kale.

MY MEALS ARE UNMEMORABLE

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters,

Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters,

My food is such a bore,

It's from the liquor store,

It's always the same, gin and bitters.

THE GOOD EARTH IS FLAT?

If our planet is flat like a board,

One could reap a substantial reward,

For a vacation that's cheap,

One just digs extra deep,

It beats driving all day in mom's Ford.

I GOT CARRIED AWAY THIS FALL

My summer came to a fast crashing end,

I was caught in a tornado, and its rapid spin wind,

I was picked up in the air,

Pigs flew everywhere,

I woke in a distillery, my brain was so ginned .

BERNARD: I SMELL A LOVE STORY

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited,

But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited,

His love called him a sleaze,

Said he smelled like fart cheese,

Bernard took a shower, so one fault could be righted.   

THE BUGGY OLD ELF CAN FINALLY GO HOME

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard,

Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared,

Down in Florida, Santa wastes away,

At least, that's what some folks say,

Some say Santa went to a barber, and had his bug beard sheared.

I GOT MY LICENCE, SO I'M NOT ON THE BOTTOM

My driver's licence has been renewed,

Without it, I would have been subdued,

I'd be held tight to the bottom,

When the road cops yelled, "we've got 'em",

In jail I'd be a boohoo sad, dude.

PSYCHOPATH RUINED MY LIFE

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class,

Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass,

Dad says college is done,

Because I had too much fun,

I'll grow old at his market, selling groceries and gas.

SNAKES MIGHT SQUIRM, BUT THEY AIN'T NO WORM

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard,

I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard,

It was for me, awful bad breaks,

The worms were small rattlesnakes,

At the hospital, I got a toe tag I.D. card.