THE SILVER PENNY FED MY FACE

I found a silver penny, lying out on an old, blacktop street,

It was dated 1943, when a penny bought you meat,

Inflation has taken a big toll,

My purchase power is in the hole,

A collector bought my penny, for tatter chips that I did eat.

BEAK

I ate so much southern fried chicken, that I grew a giant beak,

I got many compliments, because a beak face is awesome, sheikh,  

I'm a teacher at a school,

The kids all think I am cool,

Unfortunately, the entire staff, still think that I'm a geek.

INVESTING WE WOE GO

My savings has become awfully low,

It seems to be a big negative grow,

In some crypto that rocks,

I bought iconic stocks,

They've been nothing, but a downward woe go.

THE POLAR VORTEX AND ME

I am just a frozen popsicle on a ski,

Resulting from the Polar Vortex meeting me,

My jacket, all warm and tight,

Could not handle Vortex might,

I now stand as a statue, you can view for free.

CLEAN PIERCINGS? DO, TOODALOO, TOO.

Time will clean your earring, so there is nothing for you to do,

Dead skin and germs will fall away, to them you say "toodaloo",

Do not clean piercings, I beseech,

Don't waste your money, buying bleach,

The same can be said of nose rings, for boogers fall away, too.

LORD OF THE GARBAGE TRUCKS

Seigneur De Mouches is my iconic known name,

Private garbage redistribution is my game,

If you don't pay your bill,

On your front yard we'll spill,

Then the great stink and the flies is how you'll find fame.

FOUR MOLE STEW

I dug up four, large ground moles, for my evening din, din,

I found a bottle of ketchup; overall a win, win,

I had to feed my cat, too,

To stretch, I made stew,

We ate our fine feast together; me and my pet cat, Flynn.  

MY ROBOT AI APP IS CRAP

My kind robot named Terry,

Has become very scary,

I thought I'd give it a try,

I installed an app, AI,

Now at me, he is all starey. 

THE FALL FROM THE COCONUT TREE

I fell down out of a coconut tree,

Picking a nut that was talking to me,

The nut said, "I am a picker.

Are you a coconut licker?"

I responded, "Sure, as long as you're free."

BRO GAS MOUNTING

Everywhere that the people can come and can go,

People start and end each sentence, with the one word, "bro",

It is very concerning,

Stems from limited learning,

Like mounting gas in the colon, one day it will blow.

WHEN THE MARKETS SINK DOWN, I AM SAD

I went online to check on my investments in the stocks,

Instead of investing, I should have just watched the Tic Toks, 

My whole portfolio sank down,

Going underwater, to drown,

I would have sold earlier today, if I watched the clocks.

WEIRD-WOLF OF DETROIT

I'm accused of not being sensitive, not sensitive at all,

I make people uncomfortable, just by strolling through a mall,

I never comb my hair, 

Stink like a forest bear,

There's times I'll just squat down howling, thus doing my werewolf call.

THE TREE TRIMMER AND THE BEAR

Before the snow and the frosty freeze,

I went out to trim my apple trees,

My face felt fast breezed,

I hiccuped and sneezed,

The bear came out to feel my unease.

Neighborhood Turkey Alert🚩👮😲🦃

The neighborhood wild turkey, grew and grew and grew,

When he would bite a neighbor, he left a nasty boo,

He grew near fifty feet tall,

Could step over any wall,

I had to put him down, when he ate my best friend, Stu. 

SAVING MONEY IS A PAIN IN THE NECK

My new pillow was as flat as a sheet,

For my neck, it was never any treat,

Flat pillows are the norm,

They don't fit my head form,

They are cheap, and I am saving to eat.

THE GOOD AND THE PLENTY (A short story by Leigh Collin Brandt)

Dedicated to Mom on her birthday. Missing you and all the rest. 

I'm so excited that Christmas Day is almost here.  That's the day I provide a feast at my apartment for all my family and friends.  I've be hosting Christmas dinner every year for the past fifteen years and I've never gotten tired of it.  Of course it is a lot of work but, all the work I do is worth it when I see all the joy it brings to so many.

I began providing the dinner fifteen years ago when the older people in my family, namely my folks, grandparents, aunts and uncles became physically unable to perform the task.    My mom, God rest her soul, was the last one who prepared a meal for the big crowd and I had to do most of the work to get everything done.   She tried really hard to do it all but, she had heart failure and could only do a limited amount of work before she had to sit down and rest.  And, my dad had cancer and had an oxygen tank so, he wasn't allowed near the kitchen when the gas stove was blazing away.  The last time my mom made dinner my  poor dad was so sick.  I volunteered to be the main person to help him with his hospice care.  That Christmas I decorated the house up with a lot of his World War II army memorabilia.  He had stuff from all the places in Europe where he stayed.  He had some unique elf decorations he got in France and an old fashioned Santa from England.

Of course, the younger people were all too busy to spend the time fixing such a vast meal and quietly complained they couldn't afford the food to feed everyone.   Also, most of them had really small apartments and couldn't accommodate our crowd.   There were some who volunteered to do the dinner like Aunt Midge but, her heart was just not into it and she always rolled her eyes whenever she begrudgingly volunteered.

Well,  I really wanted to do the dinner.  I felt the dinner was a tradition that had gone on since I could remember and I wanted it to continue on forever and I knew  that if I had the dinner every year it would go on, at least until I kicked the bucket. 

Now, of course the first thing I had to do this year was to make up a list of things to do and a list of things to buy for the dinner.  Like most people, I started planning and preparing for Christmas dinner right after Thanksgiving.  I usually take a calendar and write down what I need to accomplish each day from Thanksgiving until Christmas in order to get everything done.  My biggest nightmare this time of year is to wake up Christmas morning and realize people are coming and I haven't gotten anything ready for the dinner.  That of course is when I look at my calender of things to do and make sure each day is crossed off and I especially check to make sure I haven't missed doing anything really important like buying the food.

Every year for at least the past ten years I've been buying the food for Christmas at Sander Markets down on 14th street.  They're a little high priced on their food but, they're a local market I can walk to which is important since I can't afford to have a car anymore and I certainly can't afford a taxi or bus.  Normally, I just pull my little red wagon down to the store and put my groceries in that.  It's also kind of nice since if I get too poohed out hauling my wagon I can sit down for a spell and catch my breath.  I'm having to do a lot of that lately, as I get older.

This year I have limited funds to spend on food for the dinner.  My funds have always been limited but this year my dollars have to stretch a lot more because my doctor is prescribing me a different heart medication and it isn't fully covered by insurance.  Oh well, we all have our little problems and, mine seem to melt away when I get together with loved ones on the most joyous day.  I'll still manage to have about the same dinner this year as I always do.  I just might have to ask for volunteers to bring the desert.  If I do that probably everyone coming will show up with a pie.

At the store when I get ready to check out I always go to Paula.  She's an older lady and has been checking out at Sander Markets for over twenty years she says.  Paula is the nicest person working there and, every year when I check out my dinner stuff just before Christmas Paula always asks me if I have somewhere to go for Christmas dinner.  I always tell here "No, I don't.  I'm staying home as always and making a big dinner for my entire family.  You know one of those dinners like they use to have where everyone got together.  It's such a good time.  This year I'll have to get out the card table to accommodate all the kids."

"Paula always smiles and says "That is so sweet of you to do all that work for a big Christmas dinner for everyone.  Just like it use to be.  Those were good times weren't they?"

"Yes they were.  When times were good and friends were plenty."

"The good and the plenty," Paula always says.

"'The good and the plenty,'I like the sound of that," I always tell Paula.

"You serving saltine crackers and a can of ham this year again?" Paula asks as she checks me out.

"Just a small can of diced ham this year Paula.  The prices have gone up so much I can't afford a big canned ham anymore.  They'll be plenty to eat anyway.  I've asked that people each bring a dish and whoever wants to can bring a desert like a pie.  Doesn't pie sound good Paula?  Maybe a pecan pie or blueberry like we use to have when I was a kid."

"That sounds just great," Paula always says.  "Merry Christmas," Paula will say to me as I leave for home.  Paula is so nice.  Sometimes she'll ask a manager if a bagger is available to help me get my groceries home.  Sometimes they do but, most of the time the manager says they're just too busy to let one of the baggers go.

I can hardly wait for Christmas day.  When I was a kid it was all about the presents, but as I grew older I realized it was all about the people and that the people were much more precious than presents.  Even the food won't matter that much.  It's just something to get the conversations going.  This year I really want to see mom and dad.  I hope I don't fall asleep again in the middle of the afternoon and wake up and find everyone gone.  That's what always happens every year.  They're all gone and the  place is all straightened up like no one was ever here.

12222

   

FRITZ IS LEARNING WHERE TO ...

I got a puppy for Christmas , and his name is Fritz,

I feed him cinnamon oatmeal and butter fried grits,

He still takes his poop,

On the steps, or the stoop,

Sometimes he poops on the coach; that's as far as he gets.

THE HOT PRAWN FROM OUTER SPACE

Big Bang Berry, is the hot prawn from outer space,

If you get him mad, he'll breath fire in your face,

He's from the celestial bang,

Part of the evil demon gang,

He's come to earth, and will destroy the human race.

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR

                                         2025

BIG BANG PRAWN

There was a major impact on my front lawn,

It was a strange creature from the Big Bang dawn,

His name was Barry,

He was real scary,

He breathed out fire, and was shaped like a prawn.

TOGETHER, WE DO THE NEW YEAR

You know, all of my friends are make believe,

We're getting together, on New Year's Eve,

We'll all walk to the pub,

Drink a beer; eat a sub,

Head home, and wait for this year, to leave.😀😭

THE STORY OF AI CHARLIE

I'm not well educated, because I only went to school one year,

Somewhere between 1st grade and kindergarten, my learning took a veer,

Yet, my brain still grows,

Watching old game shows,

My ever growing intelligence, is something all should rightly fear.

HILL FIRE AND THE PILGRIMS

I'm a big, old fire-breathing dragon, who lives up on the hill,

I scare those pesky pilgrims, who sneak up upon me, for their thrill,

I breath fire upon their britches,

They go screaming for full ditches,

Pilgrims are just darn lucky, I don't barbeque them, like a grill.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

THE HOMELESS OPTIMIST

I found two big cardboard boxes, and built a brand new home,

I'll no longer remain on the streets, and endlessly roam,

I felt an incredible high,

When I found some crust from a pie,

I could build me a bed, if I found some rags and some foam.

MY MILITARY CAREER ENDED, BECAUSE OF IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES.

I told my Sarge, I couldn't run another mile,

I told him that running was just not my style,

Well, oh darn, and oh shoot,

The army gave me the boot,

After they made me sit in jail for awhile. 

RETAIL THEFT IN AMERICA: IN MY DRAWERS

I went into my life's work, and began working,

I live retail, so my life is checkout clerking,

Customer #4,

I threw out the store door,

Because in my cash drawer, I caught her lurking.  

I ATE HIM FOR DINNER

I use to do cartwheels, when I was a kid,

I once did them on ice, and down the hill slid,

I slid into the road,

Found a fresh, frozen toad,

I ate him for dinner, I did.

I ASKED FOR A VACATION, AND WAS TOLD WHERE TO GO

I told my boss, I was living in a simulation,

To heal and get real, I needed a nice long vacation,

He gave neither a laugh, nor smile,

Told me, out his door, I should file,

I shuffled back to my little, cubicle workstation. 

GRANDPA WAS A VICTIM OF CRYPTO-CURRENCY

I bought crypto-currency, and I got a surprise,

I had laser beams, flying out of my beady eyes,

I eye laser some nice pork,

Drank red wine that had a cork,

Then I looked at my grandpa, and that was his demise.

FLIP, FLOP AND POP

I had 12 cans of ginger beer pop,

I was drinking ginger beer, non-stop,

I passed out in my sleigh,

They found me next day,

My ulcer gave my heart a flip flop.

I WENT FROM WRITING TO BIRDING

The auto grammar fixes, and spelling checkers of sentences and words,

Make my writings completely abysmal, for the fixes come out as turds,

The  turd changes make me cry,

I no longer wish to try,

So I bought some new binoculars; I thought I'd be a watcher of birds.

FINANCES GOT UGLY, SO I MOVED IN WITH MY HALF BRO

I went gaming online, and lost a bundle of cash,

I moved in with my brother, and he's what you'd call, trash,

I sold my yacht, car and boat,

My home, jewels and fur coat,

And, a sticky dump with dirt floors, is now where I crash.

PAINT THE WEASEL AND DIE

I went out to Little Twin Lake, to find me a sabre tooth weasel.

I wanted to paint his picture on a canvass, held by an easel.

Found the weasel, and he got uptight,

Gave me a sabre tooth weasel bite,

I crawled to the road; stoped a semi-truck, which ran on stinky diesel.

MY EARS GOT A BATH IN THE BAY

I once had two large facial organs, some call ears,

I lost them fishing out on the crowded, bay piers,

For an entire day,

Fish hooks flew round my way,

I felt nothing, because I was full of malt beers.

I'M A BIG SHOT, WITH A SUIT AND SHOWER CURTAIN

I went to Canada to buy a green curtain, for my bathroom shower,

A Canadian shower curtain, shows I have a real super power,

For I fill a great need,

I sell suits that are tweed,

My tweed stores are gaining market share, every minute, every hour.

THE CAT WHO WOULD SLEEP ON HIS STINK

My silly pussy cat was really poky and slow,

It took him 8 hours to find his litter box and go,

Then he would fall asleep,

On his litter box heap,

Then I'd make him go outdoors, and roll around in the snow.

I COULD NOT GIVE UP WITCHCRAFT

I'm a reformed, great powers witch, but a back slider,

Because I turned a fly into a big, black spider,

The evil deed was all done,

My witch habit had re-begun,

I made the spider big, now I'm a spider rider.

OH WOE, MY RIZZ IS BAD

I am told I have extremely "bad rizz",

My personality, has done a fizz,

How does rizz grow?

If it grow, will I know?

I want my popularity to sizz.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.

DON'T DRINK YOUR BUBBLE BATH

I drank some bubble bath, and it did not taste like wine,

It made me so sick, I felt too ill to dinner dine,

Pa gave me a corporal spanking,

I lost my allowance, for banking,

Now I know what not to drink, because pa drew the line.

VORTEX-COLD

I got polar vortexed, and it really didn't feel, very good,

I used all my tanked propane, and burned every stick of wood,

It froze hairs, and the attached skin,

Froze my soups, preserved in cheap tin,

I can't walk through a polar vort, even with my fluffy hood.

A REINDEER FOR CHRISTMAS

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year,

Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer,

It's nice to pet; fur is soft as silk,

It's a girl, so the kids get milk,

When she dies, I'll roast her in the oven, marinated in root beer.

HOW DID THE POISONOUS CHRISTMAS BEETLE INFEST HOMES.

There was a little Christmas beetle, that climbed down from my Christmas tree,

The Christmas beetle was so cute and cuddly, that I just let him be,

I worried the beetle had rabies,

But I didn't expect all the babies,

By the time the next springtime came, beetles filled my house up like a sea. 

THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHRISTMAS CHOPS

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day,

I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away,

I ate purloined chops all night long,

I realized next morn, I'd done wrong,

Fat Santa had left me nothing, when he visited with his sleigh.

A GREEN BEAST CHRISTMAS WITH NANNA

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast,

It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast,

The night before our big holiday dinner,

I gave nana my gift, it was a winner,

Nanna didn't show up for our big meal, and missed a spiral ham feast.

BENNY CHANGED: FROM A BOIL TO A GOYLE

Benny had a horrible, throbbing, green boil,

He got rid of it with a can of snake oil,

Benny made worldwide, billions,

Selling snake oils to millions,

Then Benny married a beautiful gargoyle.  

MOOSE THE GOOSE MADE CLYDE HIDE

I had a hound dog, my pa named him Clyde,

Clyde took off running from the farm, to hide,

Clyde tangled with Moose,

Our goose that got loose,

Moose bit Clyde on his back, bottom and side.

SANTA HAS LABOR ISSUES

Santa isn't using reindeer to pull his sleigh, this year,

Instead, he's hired unicorns, they're cheap, they'll work for beer,

The reindeer have gone on strike,

Want more breaks, and a pay hike,

The elves won't cross the picket lines, and Christmas Eve is near.

FEAST AROUND AND FIND OUT: THE IVY FUR BOOT STORY

I had beautiful ivy plants, growing by my old barn, 

I found my Ivy plants dead, one day, and I said, "oh, darn",  

Two groundhogs ate the tender roots,

Hogs feel good, in my fur lined boots,

Now I won't need to knit new socks, so I'll return the yarn. 

THEY CAME FOR CHRISTMAS AND WILL STAY ALL WINTER.

The only gift I got Christmas day, was a pine tree full of bugs,

When I brought my tree inside, the bugs thawed and fell onto my rugs,

Oh, Christmas green tree

How hateful of ye,

I'll be scratching all winter long, because of bug bites, digs and dugs.

SOLSTICE

I only get it once a year,

The winter solstice, lets be clear,

It's a cold night,

Warm clothes are tight,

Then at midnight, we raise a beer.

GRAY STUFFY MAKES A MAN

He-man Herman's nose was fat, red and full of gray stuffy,

Around his little eyeballs, it was dank, dark and puffy,

When Herman blew his nose,

Stuffy covered his clothes,

Herman wouldn't change, because he felt tough, manly and roughy.

THE CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE

I invested $15.00 in crypto this morning, by noon,  I was a millionaire,

Mama told me I was crazy, and of crypto money, I had better beware,

By next week my one million,

Will turn into a billion,

Then I'll move out of mama's basement into a mansion, I'm just not sure quite where.

THE FOREST PRIMEVAL MONSTER

I went to the snow filled forest, Primeval, today,

To cut down some trees, to heat my cabin until May,

Used a sleigh, pulled by dogs,

To bring back all my logs,

A forest monster, followed me back to where I stay.

I MET HER IN MANCELONA: COUGAR EYES AND BAD BREATH

I went to Mancelona just to see where it is at,

The only thing I found there was a female, cougar cat,

The cougar decided to eat,

I had blubber, but not much meat,

I think amongst cougar cats, eating tourists is so, brat.

ICE HONEY HOLIDAYS

In Michigan, we have in the winter, what we call, snow bees,

They hibernate in summer, and in winter make ice honeys,

The public wallet is the jurist,

Ice honey is a fav of tourists,

Ice honeys are made, until it's time for chocolate bunnies.

BURNT BY DRONES

My small, quiet home was attacked by aerial drones today,

I believe the drone soldiers came from somewhere far, far away,

So many drones did fly,

They darkened the day, sky,

They made me a smoking, charred carcass, by using a death ray.

CHRISTMAS WINTER SNOWBALL CHILI

My special Christmas Winter Chili, did not turn out so well,

I subed snowballs for meatballs, but where the balls went, I can't tell,

There was no grease at all, but lots of cold water,

The chili was diluted, and made less hotter,

I won't market my Chili, because I'm sure it will not sell.

THE DAM THAT BURST

When the lake dam burst, my log cabin took a rigorous swim,

Along with my sports card collection, and my pet spider, Jim,

The log cabin fell apart,

Nothing left for a restart,

No sports cards were recovered, and neither was my spider, Jim.

Martian Drones Are Here Shopping For Christmas🎄🎁

There was a mystery drone that landed on my trailer house,

The drone crushed in the roof a bit, and caused an "eek!", from a mouse,

I snuck outside for a peek,

The drone was taking a leak,

The drone said it was shopping for a Christmas gift, a blouse.