I EYEBALL VOLLEYBALL

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea,

The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to me,

I hopped upon his sea saddle,

He swam, I didn't have to paddle,

He swam me to a team finals volleyball beach; seems they needed a referee.

BIG BUCK, SON OF THE DEER HUNTER

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer,

I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear,

A hunter shot me,

And, food I did be,

Now, I'm the Hunter's son, and deer season is near.

THE RESTRICTED PENNY

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street,

People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat,

I give them a big, giant grin,

Tell them, I'm spending it on sin,

Watching their persnickety reactions, is one joyful, great treat.

I REPURPOSED THE MICE IN MY HOUSE

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury,

I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always in a hurry,

So, I caught the mice with a quickie,

Rodent traps with a side that's sticky,

I cleaned out the bones and guts, then took the furs to a coat maker, named Murray.  .

ATTACK OF THE SNOUT FLIES

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out,

They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about,

I whacked them with the fly swatter,

When they pooped in my tea potter,

Several big flies attacked me, by flying up my snout.

LITTLE BOX HOME LIVING

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent,

So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent,

But, I found a nice box downtown,

Into that, I will settle down,

I'll build a fire inside, after I punch out a vent.

THE MACAROON MOON

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon,

I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon,

I found one that was pretty,

The moon was itty bitty,

My family all moved there, and baked two types of macaroon.

I STAND STRAIGHT UP, BUT DIZZY

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill,

Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill,

I go hoe, hoe, hoe, hoe,

Then my potatoes grow,

Sometimes I get dizzy, until I take my heart pill.

FACE VS THE MAPLE TREE

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree,

I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history,

In the hospital bed, I bled,

From the gaping holes in my head,

I hope that I heal fast, so back to biking I will be.

MY CHICKEN AND THE TWO LITTLE EGGS

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham,

The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam,

They had cereal with sugar,

The youngest one, picked a booger,

I ate the eggs and ham, with toast dripping with blackberry jam.

SOME CALL HIM A THIEF, I CALL HIM A WITCH

Bling, Bong, I do fear, the real wicked witch is named, Ned,

He got his powers from his big, bad daddy called, Fred,

Ned will steal frozen meats,

From markets that sell eats,

Ned squats in people's homes, sleeping in the softest bed..

IN NATURE, SIZE MATTERS

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told,

It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold,

Cold hurts the face, and ears, and icy little paws,

It favors those with talons, teeth and sharpened claws,

I'm a bear napping in my cave, and on that life I'm sold.

I'M AN EGGHEAD WHO SCOOPS POOP FOR A LIVING

When I was admired as a scholar,

I never made one single whole dollar,

My mind was prepared,

Yet, nobody cared,

I'm paid to walk dogs leashed to a collar.

I TENT AND HAVE NEVER CAVED

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave,

That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave,

But, no cave have I been,

I do tent, now and then,

Ben said I should use the brain cells, that nature had gave.

PEAR PREJUDICE

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week,

So, it was off to the store, to pear seek,

Well, seekers beware,

There were no pears there,

I heard one clerk say, "another pear freak".

SAFE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING WITH MA AND BERT

I build myself a small, livable yurt,

Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt,

My yurt blows far away,

It sinks out in the bay,

I move home with mom, and stepdad named, Bert.

SLEEPY ROGER AND THE RAT

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat,

That is the composition of my dumb cat,

His name is Old Sleepy Roger,

He's an activity dodger,

The last time he moved, he was bit by a rat.

His last move was when he was bit by a rat.

I USE TO VISIT SIDNEY, AT THE DOLLAR STORE IN MICHIGAN-MID

I use to go to a dollar store, when I was a little kid,

I had a much older brother who worked there, he was named, Sid,

Sid was married to Raydean,

They had kids, Bill and Maureen,

They all lived in a  tent in a park, and that is what they did.

I HAVE NO JOB, SO I'LL SQUAT

Because the airlines operate on a massive delay,

I missed a meeting and got a big reduction in pay,

In fact, I was  fired,

That wasn't desired,

With no paycheck for rent; I'll find a nice squat, where I'll stay.

MOTH MAN VAMPIRES BITE

I always felt the biggest danger from the moths,12

Was their desire to consume many of my cloths,12

It seems moths have blood desires,8

Months are ravenous vampires,8

We will now provide moths with foamy, red, blood broths.

THE ANNUAL HOLIDAY DINNER AND PUKE

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho!

Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel woe, woe, woe!

The Thanksgiving belly ache,

When we vomit pie and cake,

Ma's turkey is always so darn raw, but she says, we should chew real slow, slow, slow!

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF BEING BRAINLESS

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain,

Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane,

My brain cells died one by one,

Because I stared at the sun,

But, without many brain cells, I feel no guilt, no hate, no pain.

CAREER DEATH OF A FOOD BLOGGER

There was a constant blogger, who blogged about preparing his every meal,

He thought if he blogged his meal details, he'd receive lots of click-bait appeal,

That blogger wasn't bright,

But he was very right,

His Meal Blog made him popular, until the day he cooked that baby seal.

THE JAZZ BAND

I rocked out with tones on my electric guitar,

In a jazz band that played at a hillbilly bar,

We had a great base,

His solos were ace,

Our drummer was so poor, he lived under my car.

WITH TONE AND CONE, I WON FIRST BONE

I auditioned for the local orchestra, to play 1st chair trombone,

I played a song called "Om Papa", with my bone muted by a mute cone,

It took a little while, 

For my " Om Papa" style,

To captivate the judges, with my interpretation, style and tone.

AFTER LOSING MY ELECTION, I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE

I lost the house election, now I must leave my home to go sleep,

I was accused of teasing the new dog; I got labeled, a creep,

The 5 kids named me, Daniel

I am a Cocker Spaniel,

All of the kids voted me out to the doghouse, where I will weep.

TEETH BITE, BUT A WREATH SUCKS

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth,

The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith,

Gramps had a date dinner,

With a rich widow winner,

But, instead of flowers, he gave her a vine, heart shaped wreath.

NO JOB = NO HOME = GROCERY CART LIFE

This sad morning, my old rusty, purple pickup would not start,

My vehicle turned over once, then the engine blew apart,

I was so late for my job,

Was fired by my boss, Bob,

Real soon, I'll be pushing a reliable grocery cart.

I AM BOSS CHEF

I made me some spaghetti and dumped in a can of sauce,

Into this mixture, my special meatballs, I gave a toss,

It tasted so good,

The best in my hood,

My brilliant cooking, shows that in the kitchen, I am boss.

PLYWOOD IN SPACE

I built a giant spaceship in outer space, all out of plywood,

It traveled between planets just ace, but the reentry was no good,

So, my investment of sweat and cash,

All turned into a flame and then ash,

I have understood, my nauts and I fell on my old neighborhood.

GRANDMA'S GOOD GRUB

Trina had a hunger urge, so she went to Lucky Street,

Trina wanted to buy some sweet candy, and dead, red meat,

The candy was old and stale,

The only meat, a pig tail,

So, Trina went on to Grandma's, who had good grub to eat.

CHAOS AND THE JUDGE

I tried to create some chaos, because that's the popular thing to do,

I went to a pharmacy lab, and released the rats, and the monkeys too,

I did not make it too far,

Ended up in a cop car,

My mean judge, had a chaos grudge; I got 20 years, now my crimes, I rue.

THE TATTOO

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue,

I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo,

Its in the middle of my forehead,

And, I gave it a human name, Fred,

I showed the kids, and they started laughing, I cried, boohoo.

I CRUNCH PASTA

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch,

I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch,

I use to have a few more teeth,

Until that fight with cousin Keith,

All I have left are a few back teeth, because Keith knows how to punch.

THE AFTER AFFECTS OF PLUMS ON PLUMBING

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums,

Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums,

The pipes took in literally, a ton,

Before a severe backup, overrun,

Then, guests ran out the backdoor, to self-relieve in the mums.

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FAILED GARDENER, FAMILY REJECT

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead,

Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head,

Where did the spring and summer go?

Did something change in my time flow?

I fear my family will leave me; I've no food to keep them fed.

NO JOB, NO FOOD, BUT I CAN NAP

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued,

I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food,

There was no food today,

I walked down to the bay,

I took a long nap to get me into a more positive mood.

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

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I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

THE GHOST QUEEN OF HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts,
She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast,
She was a ghost, who grew wider,
Drinking hot apple cider,
She finished off with a marshmallow roast.

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MY HOLIDAY ECONOMIC COLLASPE

I cannot afford Halloween candy,

I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy,

Thanksgiving?  I won't eat,

Can't afford bread or meat,

My economy, it's sure a dandy.

MY TOOTHBRUSH JUST BECAME SELF-AWARE

I guess my toothbrush has just become self-aware,

An electric shock gave me a cardiac scare,

I reached for the plug,

Gave the chord a tug,

When I use my shaver, I'm going to beware.

TRICK FOR TREATS LIMERICK

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,

            I'll fill my bag all up with sweets,

When I've finished my roam,

I'll head for home,

And, settle down with all my eats. 

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I CHANGED NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER HALLOWEEN

I went out trick-or-treating, to the big homes of the rich in my hood,

I figured that because they were rich, they would give me something real good,

But, their doors all stayed closed,

The police came, I was hosed,

I was called a thief, got 6-7 years; my intent was misunderstood.

HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

GERTY GOT DIRTY, ONE SUMMER DAY

I went white water rafting, one sunny day,

The river was yucky with swirling red clay,

My little dog, named Gerty,

Got her face all dirty,

I washed her face off, once we got to the bay.

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THE HISTORY OF TRICK OR TREATING

On Halloween this family of ghosts,

Marched in parade from coast to coast,

They munched on candy,

When it was handy,

That's how trick-or-treating started, say most.

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MY TREK ACROSS THE UNIVERSE

I had a little spaceship,

But, It did not travel far,

It launched sideways thirty feet,

And, was run over by a car,

My space travels were never great,

I never made it to distant stars,

My trek across this universe,

Has been in trains, boats, planes and cars. 

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THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores, ice cream bars.

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RED ROOSTER RIDING WITH SPIKE

There was a nice, young lady, who rode a red bike,

She had a pretty red rooster; she called him Spike,

Spike rode the bike handlebars, 

While crowing at reddish cars,

Spike never saw a red car that he didn't dislike.

LICK THE CHALKBOARD NICE AND CLEAN

People have no meat and people have no gruel,

Kids lick chalk off the blackboard, for lunch at school,

This is a real poor town,

Unless, you wear the crown,

You live in a mansion with an indoor pool.

I DRANK CHAMOMILE TEA AND GOT A BELLY ACHE

I was fluttering around like a dizzy, busy bee,

Then I fell into a glass cup of hot chamomile tea,

I started to cook and drown,

But, as I was sinking down,

Two fingers pinched and pulled me out, then squished the guts from me.

THE FATHER OF ALL PUMPKINS

The Father of All Pumpkins

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

The father of all pumpkins came into my store,

And said my pumpkin selection was awfully poor,

He said he didn't want to be mean,

But it was Halloween,

And the little witches and goblins want more.

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SPACE MONSTERS CAN HURT

There's a monster outside my spaceship, and he is from cold, deep space,

I think he wants to eat me, or maybe mess up real bad, my face,

He has long, sharp teeth, to bite,

Long claws to scratch out my sight,

I am wishing right now, I was way back home, by my fireplace.

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INFESTATION: SHARP TEETH IN BED

The bedbugs teeth are sharp, and real long,

And, Denny rolled upon the bugs, wrong,

The mad teeth bit in,

Broke wide, Denny's skin,

The Denny Dirge is our local song.

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THE TURTLE AND MY ORAL HYGIENE

I have a pet snapping turtle, named Miss Jeanie Cross,

If I don't feed her enough potatoes, Jean goes boss,

She bosses me out the door,

Jean bosses me in the store,

Jean goes ballistic on me, when I brush and don't floss.

A POINTLESS DAY RIVER FISHING

Donny went river fishing in his fibreglass canoe,

It had a couple of small leaks, because it was not new,

Donny didn't get bites that day,

He paddled down to the bay,

He did find a shinny stone, with a sparkle that was blue.

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MELVIN MARTIN: THE PIG THONG SONG

Every single First of May,
It's Melvin Martins Day,
Melvin Martin was a pig,
That pulled Santa in his sleigh.

Melvin Martin was a silly song,
It was sang on May 1st all day long,
Martin was a silly pig,
He ate too much and got too big,
So, he burst apart his tiny thong.

If you think of Melvin Martin in a thong,
Such thoughts will bother you just all day long,
He only wore such a thing to play ping pong,
Melvin Martin in a thong is really wrong.

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WHERE DOES SANTA GET HIS TOYS?

Where does Santa get his toys?
They are made by elves for good girls and boys,
And, for boys and girls who are really bad,
They get lumps of coal, then they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?
From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,
And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,
Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,
And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,
 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,
In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,
Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,
Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,
Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

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BAD ALPHA MONKEY

I have a pet alpha monkey, and he ate all my bread,

He ate all my food proteins too, so soon I will be dead,

Alpha monkey can almost fly, 

Chasing tree squirrels, in the sky,

I hope alpha boa swallows old, alpha monkey's head.