I'M NOT INVITING UNCLE PAUL, TO ANY MORE FAMILY FUNERALS

I did not notice his mass food intake,

At my deceased ma's memorial wake,

He ate it all,

My Uncle Paul,

The pie, the doughnuts and the coffee cake.

ME AND LARRY, AND OUR LITTLE CRIB

My pet goldfish Larry, only has one big fin,

He swims real funny, when he surfaces for din,

His bowl sits on the floor,

Right behind the front door,

My crib is tiny, so my fish display is min.

COLLEGE HAS A PERK

I had eighty pages left to read, in my chemistry book,

My dear, precious eyesight, I am afraid, that boring book took,

If my sight does not improve,

It will be my next move,

To call in sick for my chem class, and relax in the bar nook. 

GOODBYES, AND A FEEL GOOD TREAT

My family, all died on me, and left me completely alone,

They all got cremated, and I was left with just their ash and bone,

I took them down to the blue lake, 

Dumped them in, for the waves to take,

I stopped at the dairy place, and had a double dip, ice cream cone.

THE LION AND THE BEAR, GAVE THIS FISHERMAN A SCARE

I walked to the other side of the lake, and a lion was there,

He started eyeing me real good, as did his buddy, the big bear,

I took my walk, to catch a big fish,

I cast out my line, and hooked my wish,

I tossed my fish between the two beasts, and ran home, like a scarred hare.

THE BLACK HOLE CALLED LONELINESS

I have through my experience decided, I live in a deep, black hole,

No real dates, and my singularity, has crushed the life out of my soul,

In my apartment, all night,

I listen to couples, fight,

I snack on milk and cold cereal, picking single, raisins from my bowl.

62725

NO MORE COFFEES FOR FRANK

Because Big Frank's language was  horribly, despised,

Frank  got his number one channel, demonetized,

Frank should have been nice,

More sugar, less spice,

Then Frank got banned, when the platform he demonized.  

A SILL GARDEN WORKS BEST, SOMETIMES

Stark is my garden landscape, full of tumbleweed, that were dill,

I almost had a seizure, but I took ax extra strong, calm down, pill,

I rotertilled the lot,

To help the dry weeds rot,

I then planted a lettuce garden in my kitchen windowsill

THEY LOVE RAISIN TASTING TOES

I put some raisins in my shoes, to combat all the heat,

When my honey kisses my toes, my toes, they'll taste real sweet,

To continue a ship,

You must make nice the trip,

That includes that tastes and smells aren't repulsive, but a treat.

MY BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL, MAKES CUTS TO PILLS

Many people say, I'm a pretty bird, with a big, beautiful bill,

Someone stole a blue feather, because they had ink, but needed a quill,

With a big beautiful bill, I was born,

I use it grinding wheat, and chopping corn,

My mistress uses my sharp bill, to cut in thirds, her insulin pill.

FOOD AND FUNGUS

My small family of four, was running out of precious food to eat,

All we had left was a can of herring, and a jar of pigs feet,

We checked with our neighbors, to the left and right,

They said their pantries, were also very lite,

Then we all joined together picking mushrooms, although they're not a meat.

EMPLOYEE ZERO

Last night, I left my clothes on the bedroom floor, and they loaded up with bugs,

This morning, I spread the bugs to the family, when I gave each one hugs,

I wore my floor clothes to work,

Shook hands with the big boss, Kirk,

Soon, Boss Kirk, itched and scratched, and ripped off his toupee, for Kirk always wore rugs.

MY EV BATTERY WAS OLDER, THAN RARE EARTH ELEMENTS

I went out, and bought my very first EV, car,

I did not get to drive it, very gosh darn far,

I tried going fast,

The fast, did not last,

The battery was older, than Earth's nearest star.

HUSBAND, WHO CAME HOME LATE, WAS STEWED

There was a crazy, ragged, old lady, who lived with a red tennis shoe,

That is all the old lady had left, of her fourth husband, named Lou,

The old lady felt sad,

She loved Lou awfully, bad,

But with onions, peppers and taters, Lou tasted great in a stew.

A FABLE, OR JUST A SLIME TRAIL? YOU DECIDE

I followed a slimy, yellow trail, along a sandy, lake beach,

Could this, become a fable story, that generations could teach?

Just as I became winded,

The trail suddenly ended,

The trail stopped on top of a sidewalk, being slimed by the beach leach.

WOODY THE WHALER, HAS PARENTS TOO

My parents were  broke, and decided to make a man out of me,

So, they sold off my belongings, and shipped me out to The Dread Sea,

I was out on a big whaler,

I was a big whaler sailor,

And, I got my own peg, when a whale broke my leg off at the knee.

ROBIN HAS A PLAN

I traveled far to reach Michigan, I am a robin red breast,

I desperately need to find a mate; I really need to nest,

I'll soon be full of robin eggs,

Once laid, I'll watch for beaks and legs,

Once I've kicked the last baby out, I'll finally have time to rest.

SWATER HOUSE DIVE

They enter unseen, into my small, dark dump, to die,

I am talking about the vicious, common house fly,

I let fly paper hang,

My fly zapper, goes bang,

I love to swat them flat, then leave the fly guts to dry.

THE ALPHA MALE HAS AIR CONDITIONING, THE BETA MAN DRINKS COOL TEA

It was the first day of a long, hot summer, and my true love said to me,

"I'm going to live with your cousin David, because his crib has AC",

I made up a story,

I said I was sorry,

I explained I was saving for an ice maker, to cool our lemon tea.

I NEED TO FIGURE A WAY TO MAKE MY BOSS PAY

I spent extra time at the office, but I did not get any extra pay,

I was told to spend extra time at the office, or I'd be fired, next day,

My boss is a real jerk,

I'm a low level clerk,

My job is shredding papers, to keep government investigators away.

MARS FLY BYE

I was halfway to Mars, when I ran out of space gas,

I don't have a way to slow down, so Mars, I will pass,

I'll fly to uncharted zones,

Until, my flesh turns to bones,

Maybe, next life, I'll come back as a snake, bug or bass.

ROPE AND THE SEAHORSE

My sad seahorse was doing an unhappy mope,

So, I untethered him from his constraining rope,

He quick, ran away,

He'll come back one day,

Once he learns in life, sometimes you must learn to cope.

NO PAIN, NO STRAWBERRY GAIN

There was a big, silly gopher, named Terry,

He could not pass any red, ripe strawberry,

Terry would take a bite,

Which gave Terry delight,

But, being shot at by rock salt, was scary.

THE SUBURBAN LEGEND OF THE TURD

I have a thriving business, that sucks out your stinky, septic tank,

The sewage is for me, an investment in my money market, bank,

One day, there rose from a tank, dead,

A cold turd monster, some call Fred,

I smacked Fred hard on the head with my shovel, and down, the big turd sank.

WHAT DID GRANDMA SEND ME NOW?

I got a big, thick letter, and it was hard stamped, as postage due,

Sent to me by senile grandma, who lives in Kalamazoo,

A twenty-five dollar charge,

I decided, was too large,

I called grandma to see what was sent; it was my hair, at age two.

TO SURVIVE THE AI APOCALYPSE, YOU MUST GO SQUIRREL.

When AI takes over the entire, vast, financial world,

I will be alright, because of all the money that I've squirreled,

I've got a lot of money in the big bank,

Some in a bottle, in the septic tank,

There's money in my bunker;  upon that money, I'll be curled.

SPACE DOCTOR DDS

A Venus man came down from his hovering space craft, in the sky,

He told me he had chewy candies, and a spaceship I could fly,

I went to his ship,

Boy, what a rip,

I got an oral probe, and dental implants, and his prices were high.

WHAT DO YOU GET, WHEN YOU CROSS A CATHETER AND A DESKTOP?

My mother was a desktop computer, from old Maine,

My dad was a hospital catheter, from Tulane,

They did not make a fuss,

They got together on a bus,

I was born, a long tube, with a cybertronic, big brain.   

THE SAILBOAT GOAT

My friend, had a big, pretty yellow, sailboat,

It was pretty new, because it still could float,

We sailed one day,

Up to Saginaw Bay,

That's where my friend bought a boat mascot, a goat.

SAND BEACH SUMMER PARK AND THE DRAGON

A dragon walked into the Sand Beach Summer Park,

He chewed on the visitors, until it got dark,

As the last person got chewed,

The dragon didn't see more food,

He meandered to the woods, to gnaw on some bark.

TUNA BREATH LIVES ALONE

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell,

His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell,

My buddy's breath makes eyes squint,

But, he won't intake a mint,

His roomies kicked him out, and at my place, he will not dwell.

GETTING SCREWED, AFTER TOOTH DECAY

Bobby's big, molar tooth, decayed away,

Lasts little bits spit out, one summer day,

He'll get one more,

At the dental store,

It'll be screwed in, a permanent stay.

TRINA STEALS OUR MUSHROOMS

I fried up some fresh picked mushrooms, with onions, in bacon grease,

All knew, if they ate a few rooms, their psyche would be at peace,

Then little Trina came along,

She did all of us, a big wrong,

Trina grabbed the pan of rooms, and ran; our anger will not cease.

MY BROTHER IS A COMPETITOR, PREDATOR, FOR FOOD.

I would be happy, eating many more good meals,

But, my older brother, he sees food, then he steals,

I store food in plastic bags,

Then slap on ownership tags,

My big brother, does not care, he does what he feels.

Predator.  

I INCUBATE THE EGGS, FOR THOSE THAT HAVE BUG LEGS

It was mid-July, and the horizon star drowned, and bugs came out to deep bite,

They started biting my toes, and ended in my hair; that is my entire height, 

I bathed in a bug killer spray,

The carnivores stayed, anyway, 

The bugs kept chewing, deep into my skin; they laid their eggs, and no, I'm not right.

THE BIRTHDAY THAT WAS NOT, FUN

Today, I lived through my 5th birthday, and no one brought me a cake,

No one brought me chicken, either to fry, or toast, or oven bake,

Can't I get an exciting toy,

The hula hoop, was so plain, soy,

I'll only get a few birthdays, before my aging bones all break.

I DON'T REPAIR DUMPS; I BUILD CASTLES

I gathered up my jumpy dog, and locked down my crumbling hovel,

We walked down to the sandy beach, with my toy plastic pail and shovel,

Built a tall castle on the beach,

Stacked sand as high as I could reach,

My dog knocked the castle down; for his dinner, he had to grovel.

I MISSED THE PARADE, BUT I WATCHED MY KITTY PEE

I was going to a parade, then it started to rain,

I did not want to experience a lightning strike, pain,

Through the window, I watched the river,

Gave some fresh beer to my old liver,

I' watched my cat all day, he used his litter box, to drain.

DRIED PRUNE PARFAIT FOR ALGER

My little tame rat, named Alger, was always chewing flowers,

The flowers,were non-lethal, but they made him poop for hours,

Then, 3 times every day,

I fed him dried prune, parfait,

The poopy rat, washes it off with me, while I take showers.

FAMILY VALUES, PEONIES AND MEAT

I taught my entire coup of chickens, to poop on the peonies,

Poop is a great fertilizer, and the resulting flowers, do please,

Peonies cover the families graves,

Ma, and Pa, and Great Grandpa Big Draves.

Nana ,Grandpa and Aunt Louise, are in the barn, in the meat, deep freeze.  

FROM THE ANCIENT CRYPT OF KINGS, I STOLE THEIR GOLDEN RINGS

Down In a dark tunnel, I found the crypt of the ancient kings,

I went into the dank, musky crypt, to steal their precious, things,

Clothes were stinky, loose and frayed,

Royal bodies, had decayed,

But, on their brittle finger bones, they showed off their golden rings.

THEY'RE COLORED GREEN; WILL I BE DE-FEETED?

All my pretty feet, are turning a real dark green,

Maybe there's a problem, with my flip, flopping spleen,

Is green a sign of foot woe?

Dead, green meat, and off they go?

And, I just bought new shoes, to celebrate Halloween.

THE HOLIDAY ELF FROM BEL

Friday The Thirteenth, is every time,  such a big hassle,

Everyone is fear filled, so they hold down in their castle,

But, the creature with crunching jaws,

Tightest buns, and long, sharp claws,

Will appear this night, wearing only, a pointy hat and tassel. 

MY LIFE WAS RUINED BY A WITCH

Back when I was just a simple, lounging, otter,

Life was great, eating fish, and swimming water,

Then along comes this witch,

And, her nose goes twitch, twitch,

Now I work long, hot, hard days, as a potter.

SOCIAL MEDIA BLOCKED

I cannot call it social media, because I get blocked all the time,

How can I be real social, when each thing I say, is an internet crime,

I guess I'll watch my vids,

Ones not fit for the kids,

Now, every moment I'm not sleeping, I'll watch videos, and write rhyme.

MY BAD, DOUBLE TROUBLE

I went into the city, to stir up some bad, trouble,

That is when I ran into my exact, copy, double, 

We were right away, mates,

All aligned were our fates,

The bar fight we started, left half the city in rubble.

GOING SLOW, HELPS LONGEVITY GROW, FOR TRAINS

There was an ancient, slow train that did not like to go fast,

It had a steam engine built in some century, long past,

The coal fuel caused massive pollution,

But, the train was an institution,

It seems the slower pace, helped the antique trains parts, to last.

INFESTATION 2025

There were spider mites on his roses, and ants in his peonies,

There were squirming worms in his cabbage, and his cat and dog had fleas,

And, cockroaches in the house,

Tiny, red beetles, on his spouse,

There was even a touch of mange, on daughter Trina's big, pet bees..

MY SIX YEAR OLD SISTER, HAS AN EATING DISORDER

It's disgusting, I live with an eater of crayons, and paste,

I told ma, but she cared more about her stair stepper, and waist,

I know I should not whine,

I'm big brother, I'm nine,

But, I can't do my art stuff, when my kid sister has bad taste.

MY GUPPY DIED FROM DEHYDRATION

I kept my small, green pet guppy, in a wide mouth mason jar,

Not much room to swim sideways, but he could swim up really far,

One day, my guppy jumped out,

He must have flipped, flopped about,

I found my guppy, a dried up husk, on my toy, Tonka car.

GAMER HEART STOPPER

When I was young, I played video games, until I was sixty-seven,

My heart stopped, and I departed off to play, video games in heaven,

I was surprised, well, well, well,

I woke up where demons dwell,

But, I got to play with my dead gamer fans, Nancy, Clancy and Kevin.

MY BUDDY FELL OVER, HIS FIRST HOUSE

My buddy rented a little house, that had a small loft, for sleeping,

He said the bed was soft, and the little house, needed no up keeping,

But, the landlord didn't honestly inform, 

The house blew over in every storm,

The house blew over in a storm one night, and alarms started beeping.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW SMELLS

My weird brother-in-law, does not feel real, darn rosy,

So, he piles into his pants pockets, some posey,

He hasn't bathed in six weeks,

His big, hairy body, wreaks,

He needs a hard spray down, with water from the hosey.

STINKY TEETH AND NICOTINE GUM

I thought I had lots of mint toothpaste left, but my tube is flat, and stone dry,

If I go to school without clean smelling teeth, the teasing will make me cry,

I stole ma's nicotine gum,

I chewed it all, yum, yum, yum!

Now, I have this strange feeling, that maybe, I can stretch out my wings, and fly.

TOMATOES, THE BAD CROP

This years tomatoes, did not attain the size, big,

The foul taste was like an ancient, rotten, pine twig,

The plants were of bad seed,

I think bred from a weed,

Our labors been lost, the fruits aren't fit for a pig.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S COUGHING

The smoke covers the sky, as the smoke drifts in from a million miles away,

Methinks we will choke and needlessly die, if the smoke stays around through the day,

I heard it's a  forest fire smoke,

So hot, you can make steel without coke,

It seems like the smoke has been thickening, since the first days, at the start of May.

DRAGON POOF REVENGE

There was a fire breathing dragon, and he was acting like a goof,

The dragon, was dancing down the center of my big red barns, tin roof,

The neighbors got their varmint guns,

And, shot the dragon in his buns,

The pained dragon, blew his blazing breath, and all the farms around went, "Poof!"

AI FIXES THE WAS/WERE CONFUSION

I don't know the difference, between the words "was" and "were",

I was out of school real sick, the day that lesson did occur,

We have a school AI,

On that, I do rely,

AI gives me more time with kitty, watching her cough up fur.

THE CLOCK CHIMES FOR CHUBBY GRIMES

I have a little goldfish, and the goldfish smiles, right at me,

He sees me through his thick glass bowl, the water, and his cloud of pee,

My goldfish, I named him Grimes,

He looks for food, when the clock chimes,

My clock, it happens to chime a lot, so Crimes is a bit chubby. 

SORRY, THESE PEOPLE JUST AREN'T RIGHT, IN THE HEAD

A bat got into the farmhouse, and frightened the wives and kids,

Back behind the big sofa, that is where my family hids,

We are  backwoods talk and thinking folk,

So, I gave my shotgun trig, a stroke,

The winged demon was scared out a window, so he, I got rids.