TOMATOES, THE BAD CROP

This years tomatoes, did not attain the size, big,

The foul taste was like an ancient, rotten, pine twig,

The plants were of bad seed,

I think bred from a weed,

Our labors been lost, the fruits aren't fit for a pig.

UNCLE LEE IN THE HOSPITAL

Uncle Lee rode his small scooter into a pickup truck backend,

He totaled his little scooter, and his body he could not bend,

The nurses put him in a bed,

Stuck tubes in him to keep him fed,

Then they setup a nice clock, so Lee could count tics until his end.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S COUGHING

The smoke covers the sky, as the smoke drifts in from a million miles away,

Methinks we will choke and needlessly die, if the smoke stays around through the day,

I heard it's a  forest fire smoke,

So hot, you can make steel without coke,

It seems like the smoke has been thickening, since the first days, at the start of May.

DRAGON POOF REVENGE

There was a fire breathing dragon, and he was acting like a goof,

The dragon, was dancing down the center of my big red barns, tin roof,

The neighbors got their varmint guns,

And, shot the dragon in his buns,

The pained dragon, blew his blazing breath, and all the farms around went, "Poof!"

AI FIXES THE WAS/WERE CONFUSION

I don't know the difference, between the words "was" and "were",

I was out of school real sick, the day that lesson did occur,

We have a school AI,

On that, I do rely,

AI gives me more time with kitty, watching her cough up fur.

THE CLOCK CHIMES FOR CHUBBY GRIMES

I have a little goldfish, and the goldfish smiles, right at me,

He sees me through his thick glass bowl, the water, and his cloud of pee,

My goldfish, I named him Grimes,

He looks for food, when the clock chimes,

My clock, it happens to chime a lot, so Crimes is a bit chubby. 

SORRY, THESE PEOPLE JUST AREN'T RIGHT, IN THE HEAD

A bat got into the farmhouse, and frightened the wives and kids,

Back behind the big sofa, that is where my family hids,

We are  backwoods talk and thinking folk,

So, I gave my shotgun trig, a stroke,

The winged demon was scared out a window, so he, I got rids.

THE OLD MAN AND THE ROO

There was an old man, who sat at the zoo,

He shared his dill pickles, with a humpback, kangaroo,

The kids got all scared,

When his teeth, the too bared,

The kids got double scared, when the old man bared is snaggled teeth too.

MY CROC, PUT HIS FACE IN THE POT, AND SMILED

Mommy intervened,  and she made me take a time-out nap, for a while,

Because I was feuding, using ball bats, with my pet, stuffed crocodile,

Call me chubby, and lazy,

But, my crock is so, crazy,

All night, his head was in the toilet, I pulled him out; he had a smile.

BASEMENT BOY III: THE OLD MAN IN THE BASEMENT

The old man down in his ma's basement, has been gaming, for well over fifty years,

He started beating neighbor kids on Nintendo, now it's internet kids, he smears,

Over decades, each challenger fell,

And, moved on to have a life, as well,

While the old man in the basement, is fulfilled by highest scores, and levels he clears.

DOOMSCROLLING WITH MY BROTHER

My big brother was doomscrolling all day long,

Brother was playing, some doomscrolling sad song,

It was a real catchy tune,

I started doomscrolling soon,

It felt good, to how the world had gone wrong.

NO MORE LUXURY FOODS

I use to eat chicken tacos, but I will not eat them anymore,

I can't afford chicken tacos, because of high prices at the store,

My financial recoup?

Fifty-cent ramen soup,

And, a glass of free ice water; oh my stars and garters, am I poor.

THE MUG OF A BUG

I told my barber, I'm not hugged, because my haircut is a big disgrace,

The barber looked me in my big eye, and said, the problem was in my face,

He said, you can't get a kiss, kiss hug,

With the the face of a beetle bug,

The barber sent me to his cousin, who has a plastic surgery place.

ROXXIE TEACHES THE LOUGHA HOOGHA, AT SUMMER CAMP

Roxxie The Red, got an up north summer job, as a councillor at Lake Tanganugha,

While swimming, Roxxie was attacked by a monster, a whale, like a giant beluga, 

The monster ate an arm, and swam away,

Roxxie grew a new arm, by the next day,

Then the campers and councillors came out to play, and they all danced the Lougha Hoogha.

THE DES MOINES GRAVE ROBBER

I took a metal detector, through a cemetery near Des Moines,

I got a hit from way deep down, that turned out to be a rare gold coin,

Then along came smirking cops,

They asked, "What you got there pops?",

I got arrested for robbing graves, which is a big kick in the groin.

I'M A POISONED SPIDER, AND MY JUICES FED THE BUG.

I use to be a spider, who hid back behind the door,

Then, someone got me with spider spray, and I am no more,

A bug sucked out my spider juice,

Ate my on web eggs, that hung loose,

I'm just an empty shell, of the spider I was before.

FROM RATS TO KANGAROOS

The frisky rat in my home, grew into a kangaroo,

It boxed me around and around, then it said, "I love you",

I almost called pest control,

But, found mercy in my soul,

Next day, all the rats in my home, were kangaroo sized, too.

A PIRATE DINGY

Tilly raised his pirate flag, above his dingy, that sat out on the bay,

When Tilly rowed toward a victim, they would lift up anchor, and drift away,

Tilly was not a great pirate skipper,

Never got loot;  some gave him canned kipper,

At night, you can still hear someone rowing, it's Tilly the pirate, some say.

THE SNAKE, THE LOAD AND THE CODE

Benny bought a python, so he could learn to write some computer code,

The python squeezed poor Benny so tight, Benny lost his big, colon load,

Our poor Benny, he did pass,

The snake died, from Benny gas,

Moral: When you squeeze someone way too hard, then poison gas may explode.

I ONCE WAS DOPE

I rode on my new tricycle, and everyone said, I was dope,

I rode it straight up a steep hill, when all others gave up, and lost hope,

The next side, I went down by design,

It was a drop off, didn't end so fine,

Now, it will take a year to mend bones, and with the pain, it's hard to cope.

THERE USE TO BE THESE THINGS

There use to be these mythical, strange things, that the wisest, called  books,

You would turn over a cover, and give the pages some close looks,

I was not prepared,

The words made me scarred,

But, I had to keep looking, because the ideas were like hooks.

WHAT BOOMER'S LIKED TO EAT

People were nicknamed "Boomer", because they ate only beans and cabbage,

Then every night at midnight, their bowels spewed something, smelling savage,

You could hear erupting power,

Some blasts required a shower,

I felt sorry for porcelain johns, their bowls, Boomer's sought to ravage.

MY BIG BROTHER, DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT MY BRAIN

I have neuronal degeneration, my older brother said,

In a few hours I'd suffer doom, and he'd get my water bed,

At first I felt dismay,

But, I didn't die that day,

My older brother plays these games, after he bops me in my head.

A HORNY FACE AND POVERTY, DOES NOT A WINNER MAKE

Why do so many suffer with a life of discourage?

Because success is based on looks and peerage,

If you are poor born,

Looks, face should have 2 horn,

Then you can never climb up from the steerage.

BOOMER TOWN

I entered a town, where everyone must be a Boomer,

You had to be at least 60, to become a rent roomer,

They play lame video games, all day,

At night, before tv screens, they stay,

One drove around a Corvette, at least that guy was a zoomer.

MY PARTICIPLE GOT GONGED

My home schooling mommy, said I was doing my participle, all wrong,

Mommy did not say what the problem was, she just banged my tin, toy gong,

Then she sent me straight to bed,

Without my teddy bear, Fred,

I hope she does not make me lay here, until my toe nails grow two feet long.

SHARING WEEDS WITH MY MICHIGAN MOOSE

With a Michigan moose, I formed a real tight bond,

We both liked to chew on weeds, in a holding pond,

To make pond weeds to be tasty,

Do not chew on them, too hasty,

Or, they'll be bitter, and that's a taste, I'm not fond.

I SHOULD HAVE MY PhD, BUT MY AI WAS DRUNK

I fired my new AI, because he staggered to work, drunk,

Both of his green eyes were bloody red, and inwardly, had sunk,

He saw I was real mad,

But, he smirked, that was bad,

Then, when writing my doctoral thesis, he churned out junk.

LIVE VICARIOUSLY, BY BUILDING AN AI FAMILY LIFE

I am an AI Daddy; they sell me at The AI Family Store,

I'm sold at a reasonable price, but an AI Mommy, costs much more,

There is an AI Sister, and an AI Brother,

Change out a couple parts, can't tell one, from the other,

There's many choices for family homes, from penthouse rich, to two tent poor.

SICK SAM THE HAM

There once was a real mean, grouchy old pig, everyone called him, Sick Sam,

He was always blowing his big, snout nose, because he was one old, ill ham,

Sam got syrup, for being sick,

And, got all well, miracle quick,

Sam became a cough syrup spokesperson, and married his sweetheart, Pig Pam.

THE PUKE THAT PUT ME IN JAIL

I washed down a crusty, dry doughnut, with a soda pop,

I started to puke, and was observed, by a passing cop,

The cop took me to jail,

Where I puked in a pail,

My bro, Mike bailed me out, and I went to his crib, to flop.

THE CAT SLEEPING IN THE WINDOW

My cat is sleeping in the window, while we're visiting Southern France,

She is staring at some butterflies, as the afternoon hours advance,

She will soon be sunbeam napping,

As her dreaming legs, start flapping,

She will wakeup just before supper, and do her ballet, stretchy leg, dance.

BASEMENT BOY 2: MAMA BITES BUTT

Basement Boy had a big rat, nesting in Basement Boy's couch,

When Basement Boy's butt plopped down, the rat bit Basement Boy, "ouch",

The rat didn't have rabies,

But, it had ten babies,

Basement Boy talked trash, about the rat, said she was a grouch.  

THE EAGLE AND THE KITTIES, ONE, TWO, AND THREE?

There is a great, big eagle, sitting up in my backyard tree,

He sits there staring down upon, my new cat that I named, Three,

Both my One and Two kitty,

Went missing, what a pity,

Now, I stay close with my shotgun, and the big bird lets Three be.

CAMPING WITH ADJUSTMENTS

I stuck up my tent cabin, in a forest, near a beaver damed,  lake,

I figured for my late night suppers, fish from the cold lake, I could take,

I could side dish, some beans and rice,

I'll add some pepper, for a spice,

Alas, no fish did I take, so I had a rice beans, and bacon bake.

INTERESTING CAKE MY PUPPY LOVES

I use to spruce up my baked cakes, with nuts and berries from the store,

Now I spruce up my homemade cakes, by adding sweeping from the floor,

My cakes aren't what they use to be,

They're only ate by my  puppy,

Hint:  the best chunky sweepings, I find on the mat by the backdoor.

ELECTRIC FAIRY LIGHTS, OR TIKI TORCH? MY KID LIKES ONE, LOTS MORE

I could not find my fairy lights, for my weekend cookout, on the porch,

I looked all through my garage, and settled for those tiki with the torch,

Of course things became dire,

My house burned down in the fire,

Every time my kid sees any fire, the earth she tries to scorch.

WARNING, KIDS:  DO NOT PLAY WITH FIRE

WHEN THE MICROBES AIN'T DEAD

Grandma does not cook the food she prepares, until all the microbes are dead,

That's what dinner guests ponder on the toilet; that's what's going through their head.

Why, to grandma's house go?

When her cooking brings woe?

For some, it's an emergency ride, and a month in a hospital bed.

CRAWDADS AND THE PUPPY

I like to eat fresh crawdads, and put fresh crawdads in my stew,

I add some peppers, and grind some spice, and share my stew with you,

My puppy gets real mad,

If he gets no crawdad,

So, I save him the stinky, rank ones, so he gets crawdads too.

REFLECTIONS OF THE SCHOOL BULLY

I stepped outside my mama's old trailer, and it was very cool,

It was almost June, but I felt like a forever, April fool,

I have absolutely, no friends,

That's how every season ends,

But, I am the biggest bully, and most talked kid about in school.

MEATBALLS AND MOLARS

My ma's fancy meatballs, came out dry, hard and flaky,

They should be like a  moist, soft, chewy piece of steaky,

I did, just all that I could, 

With a stove, heated with wood,

Chewing on my meat balls, has made my back molars achy.

I CREATED SUPER HUMANS, SO NOW WE'LL CONQUER SPACE

To give them the ability to travel through space,

I re-engineered the creatures, called the "human race",

They need little oxygen to survive,

At high radiation levels, they thrive,

Through skin they absorb moisture, any time, any place.

PICNIC 2025

I went and caught some grayling, and I fixed them with a some pinto beans,

I would have flavored them with steak sauce, but for the price, I have no means,

I then, ate some runny s'mores,

Then washed out my facial pores, 

After all that, I pulled off my shirt, and changed out of my skinny jeans.

SAD MISTRESS MAGGIE: HER BOYFRIEND GOT BAGED

My poor, old dog, her name is Mistress Maggie,  

Her crying eyes, her listless ears, are saggy,7

It is my belief,

She's consumed with grief,

Since her boyfriend died; his head, caught in a baggy.

MOM'S WATTLE HOUSE, AND BIRD FOOD

My mom has lived in a little, cozy, wattle house,

Ever since she lost my dear dad, her devoted  spouse,

She lives down by the old slurry,

That dumps into the Missouri,

Mom eats by hunting birds, like pigeons, peckers and grouse.

MAMA GETS HER MEAT

I take better, cheddar cheese, and add a cup of rice,

I mix it up real well, adding in some salty spice,

Sometimes for a big treat,

Mama demands some meat,

Meat is too pricy, unless it comes from household mice.

BEES GIVE US FRUIT, AND DADDY GIVES US MEAT

Soon, all the bees, will become quite dead,

That is what my homeroom teacher, said,

It is the hard working bees,

That stick the fruit to our trees,

My daddy gets our deer meat, with lead.

SOME DAYS, FINANCIAL FRAUD IS HARD

My banker informed me, I'm quickly going broke, it would seem,

Nobody is investing, in my coins that are known as meme

The coins display my pretty face,

They're attractive, in any case,

I spiffed them up with a polish, to bring out their golden gleam .

FAST, TIME TRAVEL SHOES, AND AN OPEN DOOR

In order to time travel into the past, I bought a new pair of shoes,

Walking backward real fast, causes travel into the past; it's in the news,

I tried a launch, once before,

But, I ran into a door,

This time, I'll open the door in advance, and avoid, pre-launch party, booze.

THE SURVIVALIST

I've got canned hams on order, to survive all the troubles that come,16

I have my still set up, to make many bottles of "thunder rum",16

Yet, I pontificate rhymes,

In these perhaps, final times,

I squirreled away bottles of anti-acids, for my tum, tum.

PHYSICS OR PHYS ED: THE LIFE OF BENNY

Benny grabbed a sharp pencil, to work out the, "Theory Of Everything ",

But, all he worked out with his pencil, was constipation; ouch! did that sting,

Since Benny was a boy,

The maths were his toy,

But, Benny is a school gym teacher, still dreaming of girls, fame and bling.

A NONSENSE POEM ABOUT EINSTEIN AND MY KITTY

I traveled back in time, and met Einstein sipping his tea,

He was also combing out his hair, to look respectful and pretty,

He said, I could avoid being impaired,

If I thought about things being squared,

Of course, the only thing I wanted was a box for my kitty.

UNCLE LEE IN THE SALMON, AND A TREE IN THE DIRT

There was a big blue boat, the name was The Alfalfa Glee,

The boat went out racing around, and ran down Uncle Lee,

It chunked Lee right up,

Made him salmon sup,

There was no body to bury, so we planted a tree.

TRICK OR TREATING IN NEWBURY

We went Trick Or Treating, in Newbury, to see what that was about,

It was Memorial Day weekend, so no candy was handed out,

So, what trick did we play,

I really, should not say,

But, we used lots of toilet paper, which made the big policeman, shout.

TOLERATING CHILDREN IN 2025

Deep in the basement, is where all my kids, should forever be,

Playing video games, or watching reality tv,

I'd feed them crackers and cheese,

And, apple juice and canned peas,

If they want an education, they could have ChatGPT.

CHEMICAL PLANT + ALLIGATOR + TOURIST = HORROR STORY

There is a local alligator, I believe his name is Sammy,

He ate a roasted tater, along with that missing tourist, Tammy,

Sammy lives in a deep, dark ditch,

The water's warm, but there's a glitch,

It runs off from a chemical plant, and the water makes you whammy.

THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF BASEMENT BOY

He spends his nights and days, sitting around on his sitter,

Doomscrolling social media, like Facebook and Twitter,

He will never have a real date,

With AI, he will for life, mate,

His lack of human contact, will just make him numb, bitter.

QUALITY CHIPS FOR DIPS

They were all real sad, when they got back from shopping for chips in town,

They could not find a single bag of chips, that was not busted down,

We have many delicious chip dips,

That will not work with broken chips,

All we have is celery, so it's beddy bye, in my nightgown.  

I'M DOWN TO TWO BARBIES AND SCOTT

I'm down to two Barbies, and that's all I got,

I got one GI Joe, and his name is Scott,

They still party hard,

And, let down their guard,

I'd get a third Barbie, but they cost a lot.

THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST FAIRIES, WANTS TO EAT FACE

Everybody says, I deserve the face eating, that I got,

Because, I did really stupid stuff, furthering an evil plot,

Didn't know those purloined cherries,

Were owned by forest fairies,

Their pet leopard ate my pretty face, leaving my dead body, to rot.