EPITAPH IN RHYME

I was eating some beans flavored with dill,

Drank a soda to wash down the bad swill,

I didn't know my cola,

Was laced with Ebola,

Then they buried me way far up the hill.

I GOT CABLE AT MR. D'S LAIR

I went to see Santa, but Santa refused to see me,

Because I was no good, I wouldn't get my HD tv,

But at Beelzebub's lair,

The big horned devil was there,

I got my HD tv and all the cable was free.

THE GOOD DOGGIE GOT THE BAD MAN

There was a man named Johnson, his favorite number was 666.

Johnson was so very mean, he hugged his love with 2 sharp ice picks,

One day Johnson sounded a 3 alarm,

When a dog named Patches, bit Johnson's arm,

Johnson tried to torment and tease the dog, when they played fetch the sticks.

TRAILER PARK GUMBO

We had some chicken sausage gumbo soup, and it was very good,

It is the very favorite soup, in my mobile neighborhood,

We add chilies to make it hot,

Makes your nose run out of snot,

We cook it over an open fire, made of hickory wood.

BANANAS ARE GUARANTEED TO PLEASE

A watermelon has a life of great ease,

But if you're a banana, you get the squeeze,

Your outside gets peeled,

Mashed innards revealed,

But your special taste is a guaranteed please.

GRANDPA, HIS RUG, AND MAY GRANDMA RIP

My grandpa once shot a big butt bear,

Gramps made a rug out of the bear hair,

He made a throw for the bed,

Even a wig for his head,

That gave grandma a heart attack scare.

BERNIE PULLED HIS SHOESTRINGS TIGHT

Bernie pulled his shoestrings left and right,
To make his tennies fit real tight,
He moved his belt up a notch,
Did the same with his watch,
Bernie turned blue, passed out, what a sight.

WOLVES AREN'T BAD, BUT THEIR TEETH MAKE ME SAD

The big bad wolf chased me across the football field,

He wanted to catch, and eat me, but I wouldn't yield,

I knew he would soon start to eat,

When I felt his breath on my feet,

Then his teeth pierced my throat, and so my fate was sealed.

WOE UNTO THE BEARS

There were three bears, not use to woeing,

They traveled in a tin boat, by rowing,

They came to some falls,

They made, "Help, Help", calls,

Alas, over those falls they were going.

SPEEDY AND THE THREE BEARS

Three bears took over my chicken coup, and boy were they greedy,

They ate all my chickens, except one real old hen, named Speedy,

With Speedy as the three bears pet,

They settled in, they were all set,

The bears all loved their pet; they were emotionally needy.

BEARS DO THE SILLIEST THINGS

Three bears, they went a sailing, out across the sea,

They were headed to Camp Grabbing with a load of Turkish tea,

When their boat popped a leak,

The bears knew they were up a creek,

So, they retired and took up whaling, in the state of Tennessee.  

BENNY FED HIS GUEST A BIG MEAL

Benny did not see the bear that entered through the door,

Benny did not hear the bear, because Benny made loud snore,

Benny was quite a deal,

At 300 lbs, he made a meal,

After the bear was feeling full, he took a nap on Benny's floor.

TIMMY TESTED OUT OF DRIVERS ED

Timmy's mommy told Timmy that he had to do his best,

That's why Timmy used a cheating note, when he took a test,

But, when he tested for the road,

He did encounter one big toad,

His note had no answer, and Timmy chose a dirt nap rest.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH SOCKS AND SHOES

My favorite teacher was Mr. Shoes, my least was Mrs. Socks,

Socks would always yell out at me, for watching the time telling clocks,

Mr. Shoes gave out candy, 

To all the kids, but Randy,

Randy had once searched out Mr. Shoes' car, and pelted it with rocks.

HECTOR PLAYED THE HARPSICHORD

Hector played the harpsichord,
He did not play well and was ignored,
But, the piano-forte,
He found he could play,
He played so well he was Knighted a Lord.

DRINK PARSNIPS, NOT

I had to make a post haste decline,

When I was offered some parsnip wine,

I'm willing to taste,

Wines made from toothpaste,

But vegetable wines cross the line.

TATERS, CHICKEN AND GRAVY

I whipped up for my pet chicken, some gravy,

We both ate lots of it, in the navy,

I got no taters to mash,

Because I ran out of cash,

So we had stale tater chips that were wavy.

PET YOUR FOOD PARK

I use to raise dinosaurs, and sold them to stores as food,

Then along comes this fella, says he's a dinosaur dude,

He said dinos are nice and smart,

That kind of stabbed me in the heart,

I changed the farm; made a petting zoo, a different mood.

THE DINOSAUR SCARED THE MONKEYS

When giant dinosaurs roamed around,

You could feel their big feet pound the ground,

When they let out their roar,

Monkey poop hit the floor,

It was a scary, ear hurting sound.

SAND FLEAS IN MY SANDBOX

I love to play in my sandbox but, my sandbox has sand fleas,

I've been chewed up by those fleas from my toes to my knees,

And, the fix is so grand, 

I have to replace all of the sand,

It's too much so, I'll just play in the trees.

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MICHIGAN YETI HAIKU

Michigan Yeti,
Fowl smelling, ill tempered too,
Careful, you are food.

THE HOUSE OF BEARS LIMERICK

 It was dark as I eased down the stairs,

It was scary as I looked out for bears,

I went to the fridge for a snack,

Then, the bears made their attack,

Now,  the food in my fridge is all theirs.

LEONARD EATS MAGNESIUM

Leonard loves magnesium and that's just what he eats,

But, when Leonard eats magnesium he soils his good sheets,

Leonard goes to the laundromat to wash away his soils,

But, then everyone else after him are left with Lenny's spoils,

Now, what if Leonard someday chooses to get married?

Well, perhaps Leonard's diet may have to be more varied,

And, in case anyone thinks that my story is too cruel,

Just remember that dear Leonard might be swimming in your pool. 

OLD SKEGGY RETURNS

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake,

The souls of innocents he take,

He feeds on flesh and never cake,

Old Skeggy the monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He's a giant turtle; so spins the yarn,

A giant snapper bigger than a barn,

His tail is as long,

As a ride at the carn,

He slurps down rattle snakes like spaghetti,

And, fishermen too,

Though many have seen him,

Survivors are few,

So, come on up to Michigan,

To Skegemog Lake,

Just to see if Old Skeggy,

Is real or a fake,

But, do not believe,

Those who scoff in scoff tone,

Or, Old Skeggey might eat you,

From skin to the bone.

 

LONNIE THE VAMPIRE

There was a vampire named Lonnie,
She turned her girlfriend named Connie,
Together with great ease,
They fed as they would please,
On the blood of Donny and Ronnie.

Lonnie was a vampire,
Who lived out in the sticks,
No mortal ever found her,
She knew her vampire tricks.

Ode to Lonnie the vampire,
If you found her it was dire,
She never thought twice,
To bite your neck thrice,
Your blood lit her veins on fire.

Lonnie the vampire never aged,
If you crossed her she was enraged,
In hundreds of years she never forgave,
Anyone she deemed a knave,

Don't try to atone,
She'll break every bone,
Then, celebrate with a rave.

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

A MARTIAN STOLE MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK

A martian stole my grandfather clock,

He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock,

It is quite original,

Martian time isn't digital,

Still, may the thief crash his ship on a rock.

JULIE THE RATTLESNAKE LIMERICK

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs,
She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs,
She was once stuck in quicksand all the way,
But, the animals saved her on that day,
Then, Julie gave all the animals kisses and hugs.

WARTS AND PORK BACON

There was a wart, and it would not die,

It was growing on Lenny's left thigh,

The wart grew real big,

Then out hatched a pig,

Then Lenny had bacon to fry.

IT'S WARM UP IN JEB'S NOSE

There were some little creepy crawlers that lived between Jeb's toes,

When it got really cold out, some of the creepy crawlers froze,

They climbed clear up Jeb's legs, and back,

Then toward Jeb's face, they launched an attack,

And when the cold winds blew again, they warmed up in Jebies nose.

TROMBONE SUZIE

Trombone Suzie was in the college marching band,

Trombone Suzie marched across college football land,

When Trombone Suzie played,

Her school spirit was displayed,

On all social media, Suzie got fanned and fanned.

THE KILLER PUMPKIN AND THE MINNOWS

I saw a giant pumpkin, eating a fisherman, by the sea,

The fisherman had a minnow bucket, so I set the minnows free,

I decided to roast the pumpkin, thought it'd taste good with my tea,

But, all I had to flavor the pumpkin, was a half jar of suspect ghee,

I should of kept the minnows, because they might have been tasty. 

LAVA MONSTER HAIKU

LAVA MONSTER I
Lava monster roars,
Scares small children, big men,
Rock burns, cells make steam.

LAVA MONSTER II
Burnt feet, face, backside,
Hot, run, run from Earth’s orange blood,
Deadly, curious.

SQUIRREL PROOFED AND FREEZING

I squirrel proofed my bird feeder and made the squirrels mad,

They smashed up my solar panels, and smashed them up real bad,

Now I have no heat inside,

I'm freezing, but have my pride,

But, the birds shared the feed with the squirrels, that makes me sad.

THE ELF HUNTED MONSTER, BECAUSE HE ADMIRES THE HORNS

The minor monster made a slight moan as he mourns,

For an elf cut off the monster's favorite horns,

The elf had done bad,

But horns made him glad,

The main wall in his cottage, the horns will adorn.

OUTSMARTED BY THE SQUIRRELS, AGAIN AND AGAIN

I went out to check my berry tree, but all the berries had died,

The squirrels took all the good ones, and left the ones with worms inside,

I wanted berries that were blue,

I did not know what to do,

I went down to the fruit market, but the squirrels had been there too.

MAY THE DEAD CONCH REST IN PEACE

While looking for socks, I found me a conch shell under the bed,

Not sure how long it's been there, but I think the conch is long dead,

So I named its ghost, Freddy,

Hoped that death found it ready,

I promised to polish the shell up, and paint it barny red.

THE HOARD OF HALLOWEEN

I do not give out the trick or treats,

Just go away you kids, move your feets,

Winter grows near,

Candy grows dear,

With long winter months, I got to eats.

WAGNER AIN'T NO BRAHMS

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms,

When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms,

But, as the Valkyries roared,

My blood pressure soared,

Both armrests got all wet, from my tight gripping palms.

WILLIE THE WEASAL WARRIOR LIMERICK

Willie was a weasel warrior,
He read Huck Finn, but not Tom Sawyer,
He liked to play hearts,
And, occasionally darts,
At night he'd sing on his foyer.

I SELL MEALS IN KALKASKA

I opened a store to sell people a quick lunch,

I sold cake, sandwiches and ice cold lemon punch,

It was downtown Kalkaska,

Not the one in Nebraska,

I'll Soon be selling coffee and Bismarcks for brunch.

THE CHIPMUNK AND THE NOSE RING

I lost my gold nose ring when it fell on the floor,

Stolen by a chipmunk, because I left open the door,

Chipmunks are such thieves,

They hide booty in my eaves,

I should steal their black walnuts, to even the score.

MY HONEY MAKES HONEY FOR MY TOAST

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me,

Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree,

Their hair got thin and fuzzy,

They started sounding buzzy,

Then low and behold, they turned into a bee.

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME LIMERICK

My psychic told me not to fly,
If I did she said I would surely die,
So, I did not roam,
I stayed at home,
I was hit by a meteor from the sky.

MY HOME AND MY BOAT: ONE DON'T STAND, ONE DON'T FLOAT

The big rain storm hit so hard that my boat went sinkin',

My house collapsed down the hill, like the logs of Lincoln,

It rained over 10 inches today,

And, with the tidal wave off the bay,

I hope my insurer has a check, that it's inkin'.

SMELLY SOCKS TURTLE, AND CLOCKS

There was an old turtle and he fixed antique clocks,

He charged a big price for fixing real old tick tocks.

With mine, I paid on time,

Each week, paid him a dime,

And promised to darn his old nasty, smelly socks.

TONY GROWS WHISKERS

Tony started growing whiskers at the age of forty-four,

Tony didn't know what to do, he hadn't had whiskers before,

Pulling whiskers gave Tony pain,

It was driving him quite insane,

Luckily, his ma came home with a razor from the store.

SAMMY PAINTS HIS BODY

Sammy painted all his toe nails, and he painted them all pink,

Then on his face he tattooed a birdie, and used a light blue ink,

And Sammy tattooed a kangaroo on the back of each bun cheek,

Then Sammy cut out two holes in his jeans so, friends could have a peek.

MISSY WENT UP, UP AND AWAY

Missy the sunfish, swam with her babies in the bay,

They ate little purple snails, they dug out of the clay,

Then a fisherman's hook,

Mama Missy, it took,

The babies cried, as Missy was pulled up and away.

A SMOKER FIXES GAS LEAKS: WHAT COULD GO WRONG

My banana nut bread has been abruptly paused,

My cooking stove went out, and it was gas leak caused,

The gas leak fixer fella,

Smoked cigs, his nails were yella,

He lit a cigarette, now he's bandaged and gaused.

GRANDMA VS. DINOSAUR

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far,

When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car,

Grandma used her big straw broom,

It was the dinosaurs doom,

Now his bones decorate grandma's coffee bar.

MY LICENSE TO KILL (VAMPIRES)

I just got my license to hunt the vampires,
This had always been one of my great desires,
So, I went to the fair,
Found just werewolves there,
At the circus is where vamps ride the high wires.

 

THE ITCH

The doctor put a patch on top of my eye,

Because I would itch it until I would cry,

Then I itched the top of my head,

Until my hair turned bright red,

The doctor told me to stop, or I'd die.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOTHING

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree,

All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me,

I don't even understand, the signal that gets boxed in my tv,

Can't comprehend why in algebra, they use the letters x, y and z,

And the biggest mystery of all; why do English Folk drink tea.

MY LITTLE RED GOAT

My favorite pet was a little red goat,

The only thing that she would eat was red coat,

She would eat mink, wool or leather,

But she would never taste pleather,

Pleather gave her bubble gas, and she would bloat,

WHAT LURKS BETWEEN THE TOES

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose,

While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes,

The surgeon removed a tick,

And a big green pogo stick,

And a fifty foot, green garden hose.

TOENAILS-HAIKU

TOENAILS

Toenails, hard, long, gray,
Clippers, dull, tear, pull, pinch, shriek,
Toenails, short, jagged.

CY THE LITTLE FISH MEETS GYM

Gym caught a little fish, the fish called himself Cy,

Cy flipped and flopped, he begged, said he didn't want to die,

Gym said, "oh that is nice",

Then added some tart spice, 

And, dropped Cy into the fry pan to fry.

WHAT MARTIANS WANT

I bought a large stretch of real estate on planet Mars,

I opened a dealership to sell electric cars,

The Martians would not buy,

Claimed the prices were high,

So I closed down, then opened some disco tech bars.  

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.